**WARNING: This post is potentially triggering due to the sexually explicit descriptions of abuse as well as psychological violence. Please read with great CARE**
I believe I’ve mentioned this before, but there are search terms I can see on my blog that lead those using Google search to my blog. I don’t know who is doing the search, I can’t see any identifying information, but I read them anyway, to get a feel for what information survivors are looking for after their relationships fall apart, or when they are trying to figure out ‘who’ it is they’re living with.
Many of those search terms are related to the new victim, but just as many are related to sex with the psychopath or narcissist. What is interesting about this after thinking about why sex related to the psychopath, narcissist or sociopath comes up so much, is that in a healthy relationship, while sex is on the priority list, it is not the number one priority. The subject of sex when it involves the psychopath, is an all-consuming one. . .
The difference between a healthy relationship and one with a disordered one and sex, is the emphasis on the importance of sex right from the beginning of the relationship.
Psychopaths, narcissists and sociopaths are highly skilled at the art of exploitation. This is the number one characteristic in discerning a disordered one. The problem with this is that many don’t really understand what exploitation means, let alone what it looks like in action. It’s not a word we use everyday, and it is not a word we use in healthy relationships. When it’s an unhealthy relationship, we don’t know how to describe or apply it.
In the World English Dictionary, the word exploit has a few meanings, but one of them is apt in the description of what psychopaths do:
Exploit: v.to take advantage of (a person, situation, etc), especially unethically or unjustly for one’s own ends. While seemingly simple in descriptive terms, in action, it is deeply deceptive.
Part of ‘taking advantage of’ (to say the least) an ‘exploit’ (victim), is through exploitation of our natural and human desire for sex. At 50 years old now, I can say that for me, sex has an entirely different perspective, then I had about it 14 years ago when the relationship started. My perceptions at that time, were due to my experiences with psychopaths from childhood, as well as having experienced multiple child sexual abuse violations.
I was sexualized at a very young age and learned to ‘understand’ how to manipulate men sexually and when combined with the psychopath’s ability to exploit, a sexually explosive situation begins. For me,sex was love, love was sex. If there is any sort of sexual abuse trauma in your background, no matter how ‘minor’ the provocation toward you may have seemed at the time, sexualization of a child plays a significant role in your sexual development into adulthood. Most survivors are not aware of this deeply subconscious issue, initiated and rooted by even one sexual abuse encounter.
Psychopaths are the maximum sexual abusers. What we are perceiving as coyly manipulative and ‘lovingly playful’ (such as when the psychopath assumes intimacy at the beginning of the relationship through flirtatiousness,etc), is in reality, abuse, because the psychopath knows he feels nothing about his target when he is luring. He can engage in this behavior simultaneously with different women during ‘dating’ (as well as during cohabitation/marriage) and all the only changes for him, are the VICTIMS and TACTICS designed for each of them. The one the psychopath chooses, is the one that offers the least resistance, is the most profitable, asks the fewest questions and is willing to give of herself entirely to the psychopath, while also being displayed as an image prop. We are simply mannequins to be manipulated.
‘Chemistry’ develops quickly, allowing the psychopath to exploit spontaneously and readily. The love bombing the psychopath does, implies a desire for sex from the start. But the psychopath is not successful without a willing exploit. And for many survivors, including myself, this is the most painful part of discovery about the relationship after awareness develops.
At the beginning of my relationship with the last psychopath, I had no boundaries. Zero. There was no ‘waiting’ period before I was willing to be sexual, and in fact, wanted to be with him. His demeanor of calm, his mask of emotional and spiritual maturity was absolutely irresistable to me.
So mysterious was he, with his subtle aloofness, he was beyond magnetizing. He represented in a man what I had never seen before. None of my ex psychopaths appeared to me in this way. Later, I would see how distorted my perceptions really were, because in retrospect, his mask of calm combined with spiritual and emotional maturity, was actually a red flag for a lack of empathy and conscience. His mysteriousness, was an indication of the seriousness of his narcissism, a grandiose quiet arrogance. . .
I was vulnerable from the get go. I had no idea that there was another way to behave with men who showed interest in me and where it was mutual. Because I was so sexualized, his game of aloofness read as ‘rejection’ of me sexually, and translated into unworthy and unlovable. When he decided that the game of ‘playing hard to get’ was over, sex was validation in how much he loved me.
Comparatively, because I was his mistress, the luring and sex, love bombing and exploitation of his other victims of choice (those he married), looked dramatically different than his tactics with me. I would learn that I was not the only ‘exploit’ this man had during his second marriage of 17 years and the others were approached in the same way. As in another post I wrote some time ago, to the psychopath, we are ALL the ‘other woman’.
While I was aware that the psychopath was married and we had been ‘friends’ for a couple of years before we became intimate, my conscience was in suspended animation. The psychopath used those two years of friendship to draw a very clear, very convincing picture of the abuse he was ‘enduring’ at home, going as far as to ‘show’ me what that looked like.
For example, one time he showed up at my door one day, very upset and needed to talk. As he shared his ‘pain’, he pulled out a what appeared to be a new dress shirt in scissored tatters. He told me that his wife had given him this shirt for father’s day and that when he expressed concern that the shirt was not the right size around the neck, his wife took a pair of scissors and cut the shirt to pieces. He was ‘obviously’ depressed. And he knew that this tactic would work with me, because I had a long abuse history that I shared openly with him during our time in friendship, and that my husband had been very abusive to me.
I never questioned the validity of his proclamations of abuse, nor did I question much how this happened in detail. I reacted angrily to this and he knew I would be angry. This is how the psychopath exploits every victim: by playing the role of victim of his current spouse or partner, thus effectively setting up a triangulation with a potential partner outside of his main relationship.This assures the psychopath a place in every woman’s life, as they blame one another for the deprivation the psychopath creates in all of his victims.
Ironically, while luring another victim when our relationship was ending, he used his ex-wife as the abuser in the stories he told to her. He never mentioned his relationship with me. I hope this provides you with some understanding why the ‘other woman’ in the situation is as much victimized as you have been and vice-versa, just differently. What human being with empathy, who had experienced abuse extensively, would not be outraged at seeing the abuse of someone they loved? It is a guarantee that your psychopath is telling the new ‘exploit’ some very ominous lies about you and your relationship. If you were the other woman in his triangulation game, and he ‘moves on’, you won’t be a footnote. His relationship history, that includes many ‘girlfriends’ aside from his main ‘exploit’, is not going to be terribly attractive to you if you’re his target, is it?
My background of extensive childhood sexual abuse, as well as the sexual abuse in my marriage, made me vulnerable and easy prey for sexual exploitation. Not only did the psychopath emphasize sex as a priority in our relationship, but I did too. My lack of personal boundaries, high levels of empathy, with psychopaths in particular (feeling sorry for them), being highly sexualized, associating sex as love, meant that the beginning of our sexual relationship was ‘fire works’.
The sex itself, from my view, was ‘great’. It wasn’t great because he knew all my erogenous zones, it was ‘great’ because I was extremely focused on being ‘the best’ for him, so that he wouldn’t want anyone else, including his wife. I told him and myself repeatedly that as long as he was satisfied, my satisfaction was secondary physically, because the emotional energy and high from his ‘want’ of me, and his having explosive orgasms (all of it an ACT) in response to my energetic sexual output, was satisfying enough to me.
I was giving the psychopath precisely what he wanted. So much so, did I worship him sexually that I’d forgotten my own needs. It took years to recognize (although an uncomfortable feeling of being objectified always loomed for me) that I had any needs at all and that I was experiencing very deep deprivation.
When I began to realize what was happening, not only in bed, but mainly outside of it and in our relationship, it was the beginning of the end for me. I failed to see the exploitation because sex was always the band-aid that kept me believing I was loved somehow. He took advantage of my deeply subconscious belief that sex was love. He reached into my soul wounds, and gouged them open with his claws of ruthlessness.
Once I was ‘established’ as his, I experienced the bait and switch. He emotionally punished, yet kept the sex alive at his will, which was often. He did things to me emotionally that hurt me extremely deeply, but in the next breath would ask, “I’m sorry, baby, wanna get laid?” Over time, he would decrease or increase sex as forms of punishment as well. I learned to understand this behavior, so enmeshed was I, that few words were ever spoken about it. I complied completely, having lost what little was left of myself in the beginning, fresh out of a 20 year abusive marriage. He showed me I was of little ‘value and worth’ to him, other than what I could provide sexually. He would often stop by on his way home from work, after our daily lunch hour rendezvous, just to ‘get laid’ before he went home.
In reality, I was engaging in unpaid prostitution. I was ‘fighting’ with myself and with him psychologically for power, so very aware that mine was evaporating with his sexual whims. I was addicted to sex with him, long after I stopped believing he loved me. The last two years of the relationship, I was to the point of desperation with him. If he stopped having sex with me, stopped wanting me it meant he didn’t love me any longer. I could not bear this. I could not face the pain of abandonment.
And he knew it. The psychopath’s sexual exploitation and abuse takes on a whole different flavor once he sees that his victim is so enmeshed as to be dependent on him for oxygen. I felt I could not breathe without him. My vulnerabilities in the beginning, had turned into a neediness I had never experienced before, a fear of abandonment so great I thought I would literally die without him in my life.
Once his exploitation of my deepest hurts (shame, guilt, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, zero self-worth, zero boundaries, my deepening alcoholism that started with his coercion early in the relationship with wine,etc) had turned to utter weakness and despair in me, he became repulsed by me, yet still drawn because I gave him everything he wanted and asked for.
I endured the most abusive, disrespectful and contempt filled behavior from this man. I had reached the point of sexual and psychological immersion and saturation. I had become his psychological and sexual hostage.
I was deeply ill inside.
All of the things that were told to me repeatedly in the beginning and more often than ‘normal’ by a man, in how wonderful and ‘different’ I was from all the women he ever knew, and how strong and sexy I was after all I had been through and that my ‘tude was very ‘hot’, I was now emotional carcass. The more dependent I grew, the more he hated me. All the things he said he loved about me, were nothing more than the lies that were necessary to tell to me to complete his exploitation and in ‘winning’ the game in complete obliteration of my soul.
The last year, it was clear he was out to finish the job of destruction upon me psychologically and sexually. It was two nights out at his house, after his divorce, that awakened me from a ten-year long sleep. I caught him in the luring of other women and contacted one of them. She knew nothing about me.
Saying nothing to him at first, I observed closely how he executed his tactics on dating sites. I was sickened by it. I was in and out of awareness about him, as all of this was unbelievable to me. During this time, I also discovered he had slept with one of his ‘exploits’, at the same time he had been with me. She had one night, I had the next and all the while, he was still in luring with the rest until he decided on the one that would best ‘suit’ his financial needs and his image.
It was extremely disturbing in how he was able to acclimate and insinuate himself with each one, dramatically different each time. A human predator on the hunt. I began to see glimpses of reality, painful pricks from the needle of awareness.
On one of the last nights I was with him, he wanted to video tape our sexual encounters. And so he did. We watched it together after he rewound the tape and played it back. I was not ready for the psychological force that was about to hit me when I noticed a subtle, yet extremely profound red banner on that tape: with my back to him during sex, he showed absolutely NO facial expression at orgasm. Every single time. Only when he thought I was watching, did he show expression on his face. It all began to make sense to me then. This is why I had a constant, uneasy feeling the entire ten years during sex that he was ‘over acting’ his part.
Flooding of memories came rushing back to me while watching this. I was immediately afraid because I knew what I was lying next too was pure evil. There was nothing there. No one in there. From that point on, I recognized my responses and reactions to him as habitual. I recognized that every move he made, every word he said, was as shallow and rehearsed as he had actually been.
Watching my facial expressions as we watched the video, he had a look of insanity on his face. It was terrifying to me. He knew that I knew. I tried to pretend that I hadn’t noticed his lack of expression. The emptiness and who he really, really was. I was ten miles from home, and I did not have my car that night. It was out in the sticks, his house set on property, along with others in the neighborhood, but set far apart from one another. . .
We had sex one more time, I was working the situation in a way that I innately knew my life was in danger. I pretended as much that night as he had done the entire ten years we were together. I pretended that what I had noticed was nothing to me, that it had no meaning, that I was still a compliant glutton for his endless punishments.
While in the bathroom ‘cleaning’ himself up after sex and removing his empty condom (he often would not ejaculate, but pretend too. . .faked orgasms, and he knew it made me angry), I quietly leaned over the bed and sneaked into his upper drawer in the nightstand and found a picture of his ex-wife with her friends on a hike.
She looked beautiful and happy, her misery with him over after the divorce. My heart sunk. Not because he had this picture in his nightstand, but because I knew who he was now. She was a real human being. A loving wife and mother whom I had wounded with my involvement with him. I began to really FEEL the pain I had caused. I was so overwhelmed, I began to cry.
He came back to bed and propped up on his elbow, I had a moment of tenderness about their marriage. I told him, “I’m so sorry I ruined your marriage”. . .
He had a look of triumph on his face at my pain. He did not comfort me. Instead he stared at me for a few more minutes and a look of evil came across his face. Lying there nude, in his bed and emotionally vulnerable and in pain, he quickly got up and pulled open the bottom drawer of the nightstand and pulled out a gun. It was loaded with several rounds inside. He pointed it at me as I lay on the bed.
I jumped out of bed and ran to the door and turned around and stood there, trying to cover myself. I asked him, “Please, J, put the gun away, you’re frightening me”…
He jumped out of bed and with a smile on his face, said to me, “No, baby,. . . you don’t have to be afraid, I just wanted to show you that I have it. . that I can keep my family safe. . .”
He was pushing the gun around on the bed, then picked it up and began to wildly swing it around and play with it.
I asked him again, in the kindest tone I could muster, despite my terror and fear, “J, please put the gun away. . .you’re frightening me”. . .
He looked at me with a smile and said, “Okay, baby. ..” as he slowly opened the drawer, put it back and closed the drawer the same way he had opened it. He then told me to ‘come back to bed’. I did as I was told, but I wanted to run. He acted like nothing happened. He ‘spooned’ me, holding me so tight, I thought I would vomit. “It” wasn’t holding me like a man who loved, it was rage at a woman he hated. He had turned out the light and the room was literally black.
He had a beautiful and sexy baritone voice, but this last night, was a pitch from the depths of hell as he said to me, “you know…it’s really too bad you’re such a bitch. What a shame, we could have had something. . .”
As he drifted to sleep, still holding me too tight, I was swallowing my vomit. I dared not move. I have never experienced that level of terror. My ex husband was very violent throughout our marriage. When the hand rose, the voice higher in volume, I knew what to expect. This man had never done more to me physically, then to block my way to get out of a room during an argument and one time grabbing my face very hard during another.
This psychopath was extremely intelligent, but extremely emotionally immature and abusive. The exploitation done to me, was highly strategic in nature, cunning and unpredictable. That night, I knew he was capable of anything. The mask had completely dropped.
I have shared some of this on my blog in the past. My memories of these events disorganized with time and with trauma. Recently, I discovered some journals I had kept of the relationship. While some of them were lost on a computer I had several years ago and had to replace, others were hand written, the end of the relationship included.
It was heartbreaking to read this woman’s story. The timeline of events in focus, I could see clearly now what I could not then. Much of my relationship with my last psychopath was so very traumatic, that I walked through most of it numb, I think. It was ten years of reaction to his abuse and pain inflicted. So much of it so shocking, that awareness at the time was not possible. And in reading, I realized that the psychopath’s sexual and emotional exploitation was not only intense, but purposeful. It was intentional to keep me in a constant state of shock. A constant state of fear of loss and deprivation.
I believe that partial dissociation was at work many times throughout the relationship. The sexual abuse and exploitation was not limited to me simply as an object, a mannequin with no human feelings or soul, and as sex slave, but the sexual abuse was physical and rough in nature many, many times.
He would often rub his hand very hard on me, from the abdomen up to my neck and SQUEEZE. At one point, my neck squeezed so hard, I could not breathe. I managed to wiggle out of it, by turning positions during sex. But while this was happening, many times, I numbed out, was ‘not present’, yet managed to recall it in my journal and on my blog, as if miles of distance between the time it happened to when I wrote about it. The sequence of events is more clear now, but while reading the most traumatic parts of my story, I could feel dissociation coming on.
I have not even touched on the sexual abuse in therapy yet, nor his exploitation of me doing it.
The psychopaths exploitation in love bombing, moving the relationship at warp speed, the ‘okayness’ of having sex very early in relationship (as this is so common to today’s ‘dating’, many survivors miss this as a red flag), the release of the hormone oxytocin during orgasm, or cuddling (also released at breast-feeding, helping to bond mother to child), your vulnerabilities revealed early at the psychopaths manipulation, your childhood wounds, make it possible for him to have success in drawing you in under the guise of ‘love at first sight/sex’.
Sex is the single most important weapon in the psychopath’s arsenal. It is utilized profoundly and abusively from the first act of intercourse with him. In reference to his future ‘exploits’, they are just as sexually abused as you have been by the psychopath. The depth of the psychopath’s deviancy is founded in his ability to ‘sexualize’ you, making sex the reason you stay, the reason you are addicted, the key to his ability to abuse you further.
He purposely puts the emphasis on the single most sacred and valuable aspect of closeness in human nature, the greatest act of love, self-sacrifice and sharing of souls, while he deprives you in every other area of your emotional life, making sex the only way in which you feel loved by the psychopath. For many survivors, it might be the ONLY time the psychopaths shows a modicum of affection and attention.
Sex becomes highly symbolic in a victim’s increasing and dramatic desire in wanting to share souls, but at the same time an effort to win it back from the psychopath for all he had stolen from her. Trying to ‘win’ power over psychopath, using sex to do it, is a psychological lie we tell ourselves, a battle for the mind, the heart and the soul against the psychopath, we manage to convince ourselves that the power lies within us when it comes to sex.
In reality, we win nothing. each sexual encounter for the one without conscience does not mean the same to one who is empathic by nature. His purpose with sex is to keep the door open to your complete destruction. Each encounter is another traumatic event. Multiple wounding over time.
In reality, sex with the psychopath, weakens you. You can NEVER have power over someone without conscience, if you have one. In order to cut the cord of a very sick soul connection that is really only a connection with evil, means to STOP having sex with the psychopath, releasing his power over you to gain your footing again.
This emphasis on the sexual relationship remains when the relationship is over. Emotional deprivation through his abandonment is markedly increased, making your sexual desire and addiction to him stronger than ever. Only TIME will help this to pass so you can see clearly what he is and was doing. This is why I see ‘sex with a psychopath’ in various wording on search terms to the blog. It is partly why we become obsessed with the new victim. It is why we feel more pain the first several months, than we did during the relationship with him. We are in withdrawal. In the past it is fixed with sex, when the relationship is over, we feel like we are starving, and not ‘merely deprived’.
We are no longer feeding the addiction. The new victim is doing that now. The brokenness of your heart and soul will heal with time. He still IS what he IS. You will probably never know the true depths of his deviancy. The psychopathic exploitation of your sexuality and vulnerability, is by far, the most abusive and psychologically dangerous thing the psychopath does.
The only power you have, is when you disconnect.
**The contents of this post also apply to men who are survivors of female psychopaths**