The other shoe

theabilitytolove:

I love this blog. When I’m writing and want to take a little break, this blog is what I read most. It’s run by a dude named OM, and his blog Harsh Reality, is filled with wit, sarcasm, love for family and well….some HARSH REALITY. Anyway, check it out sometime soon!

Originally posted on HarsH ReaLiTy:

And then the other shoe drops. Honestly if there is some giant boot of doom stomp on me now.

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Recovery Will Take Awhile. . .

One day this pain will make sense to you

    It may take awhile. You may hurt for a very long time, but as you look within and process, focusing more on yourself, the pain of HIM/HER will lessen in time. All the lessons that we need to learn, come from pain.

And that’s hard to say, while in pain too.

I’m hopeful. . .

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The Aftermath- KEEP GOING!

I wish for you..

I’m experiencing crisis in my life and am not in a place to write something substantial.

But while I still have the intrawebs, I saw this and thought of all of you, either suffering in the throws of discard, still in the relationship, trying to figure out how to get out and survive at the same time, or well on your way into recovery, struggling or thriving. . .

KEEP. GOING.

XXOO

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My Beautiful Family…

 

My Granddaughter Kaili    My beautiful daughter and IMe and my girl        Kira Anne  Nicole and Katiline Josiah and Kendra My son JOsiah playing guitar for Kendra                     Christian modeling pictuesMy boysAdam on the drums  Family pic         IMG_5150Our silly cat CrackersMy girl with her squeaky heart.

My grandson Landen and my granddaughter Kira

My beautiful family above…all six of my children, my three daughters are the eldest. Two are now Mommy’s. The pic of Mom with the sunglasses on with the kids and theirs are my second child, Kaitlin, and my grandson Landen, and my granddaughter, Kira.

And our silly pets, Crackers the cat, Ms. Marley and her kittens (but are re-homed) and my doxie Sassy.
The family pic is of my son Christian on the right, me next to him, my daughter Kate and her hubby Brandon with my grandchildren and my son Josiah, is in the front.

The pictures above those are of my three sons, eldest in the middle, second son on the left and my youngest on the right. My son playing a song for his sister. My second son, Christian during a photo shoot.
The pics above that are two eldest daughter, Nick and Kate. Next to that my eldest son and youngest daughter, Kendra.

The pics above that are my granddaughter Kira watering the flowers in my garden with me, and the other kisses for my new girl the day I got her.

The top pics is my granddaughter Kaili on the right and my daughter Kate and I

I love my family and just wanted to share them with you. It makes this writer, maybe just a little more real…..

Onward and Upward

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Removing The Claws Of The Predator From Your Soul, Is The Greatest Act Of Love For Others

I think this may be my last post for awhile. I’ve written I think all I can about the romantic relationship with a psychopath. That part of it has become frustrating to me now. There is only so much you can say about the psychopath before you can’t say anymore, unless we want to talk about recovery or other important areas of psychopathy that matter to us all, not just in the romantic relationship.

I may also take the blog down for awhile and have not decided upon when. But I will be sure to let you know. This would be for the purposes of my book that I’m working on and would only be brief.

I feel a shift is needed in my life, focusing more on recovery, then ruminating. I find myself in an interesting place with all of this because psychopathy has played a significant role in my life, and while I’d like to try to run from it, I can’t,  yet I can approach it in a way that is healthier for me.

I’m also feeling somewhat resentful about it because it is a lot of work, both writing and supporting and I’m not paid to do this, and while I love it and am very passionate about it, it would be nice to be compensated for what I do. Donations come on occasion and they’re helpful when they do come, but it really doesn’t do a lot for me financially and right now, I’m drowning in my poverty with bills coming due and pets to feed and I’m very frustrated with my limitations too, while waiting for a hearing, which is now set for December. I”m almost there, but not close enough. I don’t want to be in a place where I resent my work, but where I still love it as much as I do now and always have. I do wish I had the credentials and training to offer survivors a true professional to help them recover, but I still have 18 months left of school and that is not going to happen, at least not now anyway. With only 2 months left till my hearing, I’m hoping I do not lose everything before then. It is an extremely stressful time for me.

So, having shared that, right now in my recovery, I’m dealing with the damage I’ve caused to my children while in my relationships. While there have been many, many efforts at amends and healing my relationships with all of them, the consequences of what they lived, have now shown up in their own lives. This causes me great pain and overwhelming guilt. This is another ‘fun’ part of recovery you will experience, if you have children and have made the brave decision to work on yourself, this will be undoubtedly, the hardest part if you love them.

And there will be nothing more ‘in your face’. during recovery, then to watch your children suffer because of your poor choices. I want to rescue mine, all of them, hold them tight and wait till the storm passes. I want to be catapulted back in time, with the awareness I have now and start over again. I’m one of those parents people often whisper about behind my back, “Well, if you couldn’t afford them, you shouldn’t have had them!” I think I’ve heard it all now. It’s hard not to internalize it because of the guilt and sadness I feel about it.

Money was not the problem when I was married to my ex husband, but psychopathy was. Alcohol was, drugs were, physical, sexual and emotional abuse were. Money does not change psychopathy. So ‘mother’s like me’ who opt out of being abused, are often opting out on financial stability and a system and society that can’t help but BLAME the victim when it comes to the true responsibility and courage she is showing, even with all she doesn’t know, in that she loves them and that poverty might be a bit better than sodomy committed upon one of her children. Even if I didn’t know about that at the time. I did know the abuse. I wanted more for them, for me, but instead, I went with fantasy, and brought on ten more years of hell for them and for me.

Isn’t it interesting in thinking about the deviancy of the psychopath vs. ruminating about Prince Charming? A guy whose deviancy is so beyond our knowledge that his abuse of our children suffered at the hands of PC, is the ‘gift’ that keeps on giving, generation to generation in the form of trauma and subsequent choices made in life? I prayed beyond praying that my children, knowing how damaging and destructive (putting it lightly) psychopaths are, that they’d have internalized this knowledge in a way that would prevent the likelihood that they would choose what mother had. Apparently, this may not always be the case.

I have a 31 year old daughter and she is my eldest child. Born at 1 lb 13 oz, with afterbirth weight loss that took her down to a pound and a half a week later, 24 weeks gestation. I hadn’t even had the chance to get stretch marks. She was born prematurely due to a huge long medical term/condition that I would not come to understand until many years later. I felt it was my fault so I didn’t ask, as seeing her this way was brutally painful and traumatizing to me.  My husband and I were just 19 year old kids at her birth. We married two months later. She was a preemie because I had a body wide infection that was ‘attacking’ my uterus. The doctors tried to stop my labor and I had an amnioscentesis with fluid that looked like a cross between advocado to neon green. Anyway, after 4 1/2 months in the hospital, I brought my 4lb, 12 oz daughter home. Heart monitors, infant CPR, diapers so small, they had to be ordered from a special diaper maker, feeding out of 2 oz bottles every two hours..but so grateful she was alive and the bonus was that she was healthy.

She was a happy, extremely ADHD child, with the volume turned up at around the age of three. I did manage to get into a parent class that helped me huge in dealing with the problems a preemie child might face. She was an active, sweet, very funny and brilliant child. She was very creative and use to love to draw and I’ve saved many of her first drawings. One was entirely in charcoal pencil and that piece was done in high school and was chosen to appear at two local art shows. I was very proud of her, but I saw the pride in herself and the overwhelm and humility at being so recognized for her talents. She was academically ‘gifted’ and she was an excellent student all through high school and graduating with honors from University.

Of all of my children, this child has me the most guilt ridden and sad. I was very sick in the pathological dynamic with my ex predator, on top of being ill from fibromyalgia, we thought (as it turned out it was autoimmune), and I made my daughter a ‘mother’ in running her ragged to take care of her younger siblings. This went on for a few years before she went to college. I wanted all of my children to go. They could choose where, but I really wanted them to graduate and go to college. My daughter was terrified to leave home, but at the same time excited about her new phase in life. I cried for two weeks. She cried for fifteen minutes, because once with her friends, she was having a ball. But to be truthful, part of my sadness was that she was leaving not just because it was college or her friends, but to get out from under the stress I caused her, as well as the pathological dynamic going on with my predator. She knew who he was from the start and hated him. “Mom, he’s a Narcissist!” I had NO IDEA what she meant, although when she said it, I did research a bit more.

My daughter loved college and graduated with honors. Just prior to her graduation, she met a man that didn’t register well with me. She met him on CraigsList. My daughter was still a ‘virgin’ at the time and I taught my children well about sexuality and being safe when they became sexually active. I told them that they never needed to be afraid when it came to talking to me about sex or birth control and that I would provide it, if necessary. They were well informed. Education in my household was critically important to me. No matter what it was, whether reading, writing, math or  life.

The man she met was her first sexual experience, that resulted in an STD for her. She was curious about sex as she had not ever engaged in it prior to meeting this man. She was 25 at the time. She felt she didn’t want any commitments because her career was more important to her. I did everything but beg her NOT to go the CraigsList route and to wait, if she could because sex is overrated anyway and I felt her worth much more than that. I felt CraigsList was dangerous. This was scaring the hell out of me. My daughter is academically brilliant. She is also highly empathic. Very kind and loving to everyone, a liberal at heart and this was so out of character for her. She felt (like many women do), that she could have a sexual experience without emotional involvement. I shared with her how silly I felt that was because she was highly empathic and sex without emotional involvement is a story you tell yourself, but is one that does not turn into any form of reality. I went into sex as bonding and that men use this against you, if you chose the wrong guy, a predator. She truly struggled with this decision and had college friends who added a little pressure to her in that she needed to have this experience at least once.

The inevitable happened and sure enough, there was emotional involvement… for her. And when she got sick because of her STD the first time, she found out he knew, but didn’t tell her, then BLAMED her for having gotten it. She was a virgin and we all knew that it wasn’t so that this man was blatantly lying to her. From then on out, he became her ‘partner’ and during the time, prior to her moving in with him, he played games with her emotionally. I knew this man was a psychopath, yet I could not say it. I was shattered inside for her. This experience would alter the course of her life. The isolation from family, the changes in behavior. I hated this man, but I hated myself too because the damage I created, was subconscious for my children. Naturally, they’d be vulnerable to psychopaths, no matter what they knew, because children learn what they LIVE and they had lived with two psychopaths in their lives.

The child I once knew, is a stranger to me now. The psychopath ripped apart her values and morals she once lived by. This man is a religious zealot, this is the mask he wears, and her isolation so severe, that the brainwashing began to cause her harm, as well as our family. He is a religious extremist and uses it to judge and hurt others. He began to weave a web of hatred that found its way into my daughter’s heart. She began to change significantly. Such as it is when you’re in relationship with a psychopath..

One day, my eldest son (who is gay), wrote to me in distress. “Mom??? Did you see what *my sister* wrote on her face book??? MOM!!! Why???? This isn’t my sister! It’s hurting me!” I do not have her on my facebook because of the vile that she posts. And this time, it was about ‘homosexuals’ and gay marriage in our state. She looked as a fool. The many friends she had, even those in college, who knew her to be loving and kind and tolerant, tried to be kind in sharing that they did not agree. She was now his megaphone. But the hurt caused to my son and her continued justification for the post was astounding to me. I wrote to her and told her how upset I was about her causing pain to her brother. “What’s happened to you? I’m at a loss. . . I didn’t raise you to hate….”

“No, Mom, you didn’t, but I’ve grown up.” “What? What about hating others and posting vile like this, is about LOVE?”

I had a discussion later that day with my son. “You can’t change how she perceives things right now, Son, so you have every right to take her off your face book if her posts hurt you.”

The vile continues. She continued to tell me during my conversation with her how homosexuality is wrong, tossing text and verse my way. Admittedly, I became very angry. “This isn’t about your brother, this is about YOU, my dear and the reality that your pathological boyfriend has you so brainwashed, the values of love and compassion that were taught to you are GONE. I can’t be snowed, I know where this is coming from and why. I’ve BEEN there, so when you’re pathological boyfriend dumps you, I’ll be there for you and love you with all of my heart, but will not tolerate this kind of vile and nor should your brother.”

We still speak, but rarely. She can’t do it without a sentence uttered that cuts down a minority group, the poor, and LGBT. It hurts my heart in a way I can’t describe. I end these conversations politely. I do not respond to the vile. I see the things her pathological boyfriend does that says he has complete control and that he ENJOYS the separation of our family. There was one time I saw this man alone, when I was in my daughter’s town for a visit. She was not home. I knocked on the door, and saw the psychopath’s face through the window, as he was hiding beside the window, but didn’t see that I could see him. So I continued to knock. With no answer. I knew he was inside and as I was getting ready to leave, after tiring of knocking and he thought I was gone, he stepped outside to have a cigarette. When he saw me, I saw the look that I’ve seen so many times in my life before: the dark eyes, the rage, the CONTEMPT. “She’s NOT here”…

I just got into my car and left. He did not tell her I was there. I did not tell her I stopped by. Seeing me alone, he had no reason to be polite. The facade was gone. And I felt completely frightened for my child. A deep sadness had set in.

This psychopath is a dangerous one. Sadistic, cruel. He told my daughter that he would never marry her, but was open to dating other women. They ‘broke up’, yet live together ‘as friends’. I asked her if she was still sexually active with him. And she said that she was. Isn’t that fornication? My daughter’s life is going to waste. She is extremely overweight and has no self confidence. He has beaten her down. She has had some health problems, similar to mine. She posts on her FB that she is exhausted, emotionally and physically, working her ass off at a corporate store, making little. She once told me that another man would not want her because of her STD. She is a reflection of his brainwashing and her lack of confidence. A partner of a psychopath. . .

While I can do nothing to ‘rescue’ her now, I look at her situation and see my damage in her life. A thousand times I wish I could go back with all of my children in time, and right all the wrongs. It’s hard not to cry, when I think about it, when I see them hurting. The guilt is unbearable at times. Letting go of her choices, of who she believes she is, when she is not, has been heart wrenching for me. She has a careless attitude about the family. She avoids me, not because she doesn’t love me, but because she knows she cannot justify her relationship with a psychopath and everything vile that comes with this. She cannot justify her hateful attitude.

I love my daughter deeply. And it’s clear that psychopaths ruin lives. Each time I talk to her, I tell her I love her, although I wish I could say so much more, in trying to reach her. My child is a beautiful human being inside. The seeming lack of empathy in merging with his dynamics, is temporary. I pray everyday that the relationship will be broken. But I fear, because she lives only for him.

I guess I wanted to believe that my children would be free. I wanted this more than anything. Throughout my recovery, and in sharing about it with them, I’d hoped that they would make choices in their lives that were not my own. They know about psychopaths and the irony in that my daughter hated my last predator, calling him a “narcissist’ is missing in assessment of the man she is with now. For everything that he is, is eerily similar to my ex predator, right down to exploitation of faith and pathological religious zealousness, full of hatred and contradiction.

Taking responsibility for the damage that I caused, knowing I cannot reverse it, is so painful to me. I remember their childhoods. Missing the fact that my son was sodomized by this own father, is reflective of my fraudulent fantasy. “He would do lots of things but NEVER that!” Why wouldn’t he? He’s a psychopath. My last predator had ‘eyes’ for my second daughter. She said she felt ‘creeped out’ every time he looked at her. There were several times during the relationship as his own daughter was ‘developing’ physically that he made comments about her that were highly inappropriate out of a father for his child. It sickened me, but I blew this off too. To psychopaths, young girls AND boys are just as much prey as adults. The psychopath’s deviancy is not limited to his adult partners, but often their own children or that of others.

The harm and damage I caused my children is real. It lives on in their choices. And I have to live with that the rest of my life, and struggle to find peace in the midst of watching hell play out for them in some way.

Sharing this has been extremely difficult. It’s an area of my life that still needs healing. And despite all of my extremely poor choices that harmed my children, I love them deeply. They deserved so much better than they had with me.

There is a part of me that becomes defensive when I hear stereotypes, stigmas and other painful assumptions about my experiences, my poverty, my being a single mother and trying to do the best I could, when now I know it was far from good enough. In part, those stigmas apply to me. The defensiveness is the hurt in knowing that some of it is true. To put a glowing picture to my damage and the subsequent damage to my children is wrong.

I share this because I discovered that ruminating is a trigger for me. While I know it’s an inevitable part of the process when the relationship is over, I also know that the Prince Charming that is ruminated about, is stunningly evil. When I was ruminating about him, I was not thinking about the damage to my children, let alone anyone else in my life that I’d hurt while in the relationship. We can be deeply empathic, but the pathological dynamics are those that are very sick in nature. The countless times I’ve heard from survivors, “I NEVER would have done the things I did if I were not in that relationship!” are undoubtedly true.

Our alignment with the psychopath is a reflection of the pathological dynamic as almost a contagion of sorts. If we had no real ‘self’ no sense of boundaries, no self esteem, no solid concrete views on morals and values, it is easy to see how we can ‘merge’ in a way with the psychopath, his views, his faux morals and values, buried deep in deviancy, not in truth of principles. But those of us with empathy, have a better chance at seeing this vastly faux presentation of ‘principled’ individual of ‘good character’, as a fake, as an illusion. Where at first, we were mirrored through manipulation (love bombing), as the psychopath professed to believing everything we believe, through brainwashing and psychological mass mind fucking, we slowly lose whatever foundation is there, whatever was truly us and exchange it for the psychopath’s deviancy. This happens without even recognizing it and as my daughter did,  just as I did, we justify its merger as ‘change’ within ourselves.

Being realistic about this, in such a deep and profound way, shows me more of who the psychopath really is, as well as the claws of evil clutched within a survivor’s soul.

My childhood, my soul, was stolen by evil. It could not have been (only my opinion) anything other than GOD that showed me I owned my own soul and to survive evil meant I often had to shelve my empathy and compassion in submission too deviant behavior, while riding the winds of relentless, yet fraudulent fantasy. Sitting in the ashes of the wreckage of years of psychopathy, I’ve barely made a dent in my own mess. There is progress, but there is so much more left to clear.

Oftentimes, I find myself sharing with survivors, ‘If you can’t get out for yourself, get out for your children.” They are our next generation. Whatever patterns are set early on, is what will be released into society later. My psychopathic parents set me up to be woefully and poorly prepared for life, causing extensive damage, not only to me, but to my children,  and my life in so many other ways. It cost tax payers, hundreds of thousands. But the cost to my children, was the most expensive, emotionally and financially. I have poverty, I have pain, I have children who are hurt.

I often feel that the pain caused to my children, results in the karma I now live. I have no right to expect anything and they had the right to expect everything from a healthy mother. I pray that my continued efforts to heal, despite the wreckage upon which I still need to clear, can still set an example to my children who are all grown now. I do not believe that change isn’t possible, but it is so much harder the older a child becomes.

I hope that in sharing this part of my story, will help survivors still ruminating. That if it helps even one awaken from the psychopath’s fraudulent illusion, and saves one child, even ONE child from further damage and pain, then it’s worth it. The regret and the hurt never go away when exposure to the psychopath steals another soul, if that soul is your own child. Children learn what they live. Look at the beautiful faces in front of you that are truly your heart, because the predator wants to destroy them too.

I’ve often wondered if I have the justification for writing, when it’s clear that my issues are present, my recovery still unfolding. I often feel I need to be fully healed in order to make my experiences somehow justifiable, that as with any fantasy, this is what happened to me, this is what I did as a result and now I’m so happy and my life is filled with promise, that there IS an end that you CAN fully heal…when in reality, I’m still sitting among the ashes of what has been a turbulent, painful life. In reality, my sharing is only small, not a grandiose expectation of infamy or the fantasy of a book gone best seller, and a bank account overflowing. I’m not a professional in trauma, and therefore my support is very limited. It seems I’ve been so much better at connecting with survivors, not because I’m trained in a field that I wish I was, but simply because there are few places where psychopathy has not touched my life in some profound way.

The parts of my recovery unfolding are those of a woman who is facing the damage caused to others, especially her beloved children. A woman who has had to take a very realistic and painful inventory of her life. It’s so hard not to want to revert back to fantasy, to pretend that my life is somehow filled with peace, while enduring the most stressful and painful of circumstances. Pushing through the damage I’ve caused at the same time, still enduring the ugliness I created with my choices, and praying for a miracle, to a God I’m not certain even exists anymore. Through it all, I keep telling myself to move forward, just to keep trying.

I would rather be real with you about the damage, about the process, then sugar coat it in another fantasy. And in doing so, I hope it opens another heart, provides another epiphany, moves a survivor to leave, helps a survivor realize that he/she is ruminating over evil. Over deviancy.

I think of the time I spent in fantasy over the last predator and in getting out of the relationship, believing that I was missing the greatest opportunity of my life, all the while, six faces staring at me, afraid because of the pain I was in and could not hide.

I had a relationship with a predator that started a relationship with alcohol. One day, while outside on my back deck, ruminating, crying and drinking another glass of wine, I looked inside to see what my children were doing. And what came back to me finally registered. The ruminating and the fantasy were over, replaced with reality. All but one of my children was present that day. I looked at their faces, again looking in my direction out of the corner of their eyes, but pretending to watch tv, as my tears continued to flow between sobs and when I picked up that bottle of wine, and poured yet another glass, they all turned their heads toward me, watched as I poured and the SADNESS…….the God awful SADNESS…..sent a surge of reality through me. I immediately stopped crying, my tears turning to anger. I stood up and threw that bottle of wine off the deck. And I never touched another glass of it.

In that moment, years and years of pain that I caused, was seen through THEIR EYES.

I decided that it was time to get serious about my recovery. I’d done so many things to avoid it, even thinking those things were good, but they were all about ME and not about providing safety, comfort and LOVE for THEM. In reality, there are not enough I love you’s, not enough I’m so sorry’s, not enough of anything that can undo what has been done. My recovery is important, not just because ME ME ME, but for those whom I’ve hurt.

If you cannot do it for yourself, do it for them. See your predator for who he/she really is. Understand that what you see, is not the half of what you will ever know about them. Your engagement with a psychopath is a free pass for them to cause harm, not only to you, but to those who mean the very most to you.

Onward and upward

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The Aftermath: Why Is It So Hard To Take Personal Responsibility For Our Part In The Relationship?

CHANGE
**This article also applies to men who have been exploited by female psychopaths**

The hardest thing you will ever do when you come out of a relationship with a pathological individual, is to take responsibility for your part in the relationship, as well as your recovery afterward.

When I was first out of the relationship, I was so very angry, so very hurt, so very confused, that any thought that this was partly my own doing, and not totally his, would have had anyone suggesting to me otherwise, a big middle finger, followed by a not so carefully crafted expletive. After dealing with so much evil, betrayal and intentional harm, I found the early groups and forums soothing to my ego, soothing in that I could ruminate and call him a useless bastard for as much and as long as I wanted too.

After several months, I moved from anger into a deep depression. My “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar” Stage did not last long, my motivation to ‘get to the gym’ and ‘make it to school on time’ and all of my plans to get out with friends and do the things I did not do in the relationship, began to severely wane. I was also becoming severely ill. What the hell was going on here?

I had tired of the groups, had tired of talking about this asshat 24/7,  yet couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d done to me. Everywhere I went, anything I did, he was ‘there’ in my head. The fantasy loomed large. He had many new ‘victims’ he was dating off his dating sites. He worked in my city close by, lived fifteen minutes from me. I’d catch sightings of him all the time, with new victims on two occasions and he didn’t bother to even look my way. How can you have sex with someone and have them OUT of your life the next day? Never mind what he did to me between all of that, because the mask was OFF, my fantasy of what they (she) was getting, and that I never had, played over and over in my mind.

Seeing him around town had me unglued. I’d have to stop and cry and scream in my car, ANGRY at God, WHY? WHY DO YOU PUT HIM WITHIN MY VICINITY?? Well, it wasn’t GOD doing it, it was my predator doing it on purpose, but I wouldn’t know that for awhile…

I had started therapy with my new therapist at this point. For the first eight months, I didn’t speak of anything other than what he did to me. I didn’t want to talk about me and my part at all, because this was NOT my fault! I didn’t ask for a predator in my life!

Or. . . did I?

My therapist is outstanding. Perceptive, insightful and empathic. She just let me run the show for eight months. Then one day in session I said, again, “I didn’t ask for a predator in my life!” . . .she just looked at me and said nothing. Now, if I weren’t sensitive to the nuances of others cues, I would likely have missed it. The silence, the pause. . .was so uncomfortable, it felt like she was engaging in some sort of telepathy, “Come on now, Kelli. . .just SAY it”. . .“Or did I ask for a predator in my life?” I asked sheepishly. She took in a big long breath then let it out and said, “I don’t know, DID YOU? I’ve been waiting eight months now for you to say something about yourself here!” She said this jokingly to me and we laughed and I understood what she was getting at.

The truth is, no, of course I didn’t ‘ask’ for a predator in my life. But it took me several more months to admit that this man did not hold a gun to my head to get into the relationship with him. In fact, I was rather eager to do so. I had no idea he was exploiting, but I saw the big red flags of ‘don’t do it, stupid!” all over the place, but I did not heed those warnings. I was more invested in my fantasy and the obvious ego boosting in how wonderful I was, and that I was the best he ever had. To a girl with no boundaries, low self esteem (bottomed out actually), no idea about values and morals and what they really MEANT, a snake oil salesman who just happened to be really good looking and successful, looked just like. . . PRINCE CHARMING! A big plus is that he looked nothing like my last ex husband psychopath! He was calm and level headed. Oops, I never thought that this didn’t mean that he was exhibiting a lack of empathy and predatory intent, that underneath all of that “spirituality”, was a sadistic psychopath. GOOD JOB, KEL!

Through the careful work of my therapist, because I was so fragile and would become angry with any implication that I was responsible for what happened, I had to come to this realization myself. She would give me homework in which I had questions framed in a way where the only answer was to take responsibility for me. Where was I at that time in my life? What was going on inside of me? Feelings…fears, excitement, fantasy, ‘insta-love’, etc., What about him made an exploiter attractive to me? What were my vulnerabilities at the time? Loneliness? Fear? Grief? Too overweight? A pathological past?

We are not responsible for the predator, nor his actions. It is not our fault. In discussing this, I’m not in any way, implying or suggesting that this is about ‘victim blaming’. Some survivors disagree with this and compare it to rape: “Well, he literally emotionally raped me!” While this is true, a real rape is an action of violence with the intent of power over. A woman doesn’t have a choice when she’s being held down at gun point. When a predator is blowing smoke up your bum (ego), he is not doing so violently, even though the intent is to sadistically hurt. How many predators would actually have success with their exploitation if they weren’t appealing to the victim’s ego? If they weren’t pouring on the manipulation. If he took out a knife and attempted to stab you or stole your wallet, it’s highly unlikely that you’d see this man again, let alone would he have many dates.

Believe it or not, there are women out there who love themselves enough, to see the love bombing as ‘a bit much’. For them, the manipulation phase IS the red flag. They are realistic about life and about themselves. They do not give in to fantasy and are grounded in who they are, are strong with their personal boundaries, morals and values, but most importantly, they are highly aware of their vulnerabilities. The predator is the ultimate boundary violator. And if there is a way in, he will try it if he perceives that you have something to offer that he wants, and it isn’t YOU, it’s something he wants FROM you.

How do I know this? Well, I’ve met these women and one of them was very valuable to me in teaching me many lessons about my ex predator, as well as her perspective of him as ‘weird’, ‘over the top’, ‘pushy to the point of stalking’, ‘trying to rush me into bed’, etc. All  of these women I found myself jealous of at the time, because their self confidence and awareness was far beyond my own, further sealing my feelings of foolishness and shame for not having seen what they clearly saw. Now that I’ve been out awhile and just like my sharing about ‘gas station boy’ the other day in another post, the healthier you are, it’s much much easier to see how utterly fake the predator is in his attempt to suck you in.

I can say with confidence today that I allowed this man into my life and that there were solid red flags that I ignored. That he got into my life, is no longer an issue. That he manipulated me and that I lived through ten years of hell, is no longer an issue but the questions are and it takes a long, long time alone in answering them.  One of the things that has helped me tremendously in my own process is that each time a fantasy related memory comes up, I remember the red flags I missed. I remember all of the things he did to me, that I never want to have happen in my life again, by anyone. But I would not have reached this place, without taking myself apart, piece by piece and asking the questions about myself and not him, that were meaningful and where I could LEARN. The psychopath is opportunity to grow personally, to heal old wounds and fresh one’s from the relationship. It’s opportunity to truly meet you and who you are. It’s opportunity to ask yourself all the questions that are already waiting for an answer so as to HEAL you.

The amazing thing about this is that the answers to the questions are already things you KNOW. They simply lie dormant inside of you, just waiting for you to ask, so YOU can answer! Pretty cool, huh?

What stops survivors asking the questions is fear. “After all that he did, why should I have to do all the work afterwards while he skates!” “This is BULLSHIT, he leaves ME like THIS while he’s ‘changed’ with HER and after all the shit he did to me!!!”

There are survivors who will never heal. Who will sit in forums, groups and with anyone who will still listen, ruminating on what he did, how he did it, why they think he did it. They will be encouraged to keep ruminating in those places too and that’s SAD. But it’s also FEAR. Just admitting to any idea that it was allowed, no matter the reasons, is filled with shame.

And THIS is what the psychopath really wants!

It’s why he hoovers after months or years of not calling, texting or seeing you. I believe that psychopaths have a sixth sense in knowing that survivors are thinking of them. The psychopath will go out of his way to figure out if she’s available and even if she isn’t, GREAT! It’s an even bigger challenge to see if he can win her back! And there are survivors that will wait out those months to years, hoping…waiting…ruminating…He wants to know you’re in misery because of him. His calling card left on YOUR life is that you CAN’T get over him, that he hurt you so bad that you simply cannot move on. A survivors inability to move on, is the psychopath’s slime left upon her life and then he/she wins!

YOU are worthwhile! YOU are worthy of healing that heart of yours and YOU deserve to have a good life! You deserve to experience happiness, joy and if not that, at LEAST peace!

But I’m not promising a rose garden either. Because to achieve this means asking the questions and allowing the answers to come up. Some of these answers will be very, very painful to you. Some of these answers may mean another layer of abuse or pain to clear, because you have things in your past that need healing. Some of the answers may even be a little shocking when you realize what your vulnerabilities were at the time he targeted you. You may realize that you had little to no personal boundaries at all. For me, it was not only these realities, but also the reality that I had no self respect, as I went to bed with this man as soon as he wanted. Sex was ‘love’ to me. Today, I’m a far different woman then I was even four years ago. I’m very traditional in my views now about dating and sex and it sure would not happen the first six months, and for me, an entire year. I love myself enough now to wait, for me! My morals were so twisted in my pathological relationship that in being the Other Woman I didn’t give much of a thought to her, with the exception of moments of clarity in which I suspected that she wasn’t HIS abuser..but possibly he was HERS. And sure enough, he was. Today, I don’t even know the woman I was and yet still struggle with the disastrous and hurtful choices I made, and those choices HURT other human beings.

Today, in having asked the questions and allowing the answers to come up, while I struggle and always will with my pathological upbringing, as there is damage, I don’t question the hard work I’ve done, nor that I feel so grateful and blessed that I can embrace morals and values that are right for me. I can keep working on the things that were so missing, like self respect, self love and integrity. All of those things are so important to me, that I strive to live by them everyday of my life. I’m not perfect at it, by far, but it feels good that in many ways I CAN trust myself, that I CAN embrace me and my damage, that I CAN say “no” when something or someone isn’t good for me. . .

The second you allow yourself to have the courage to ask your questions, along with the bravery it takes to let the answers come, you have taken a monumental step in showing LOVE FOR YOURSELF. The process is so painful, but it’s so worth it. True growth and change do not come without pain. But you’re stronger than you think and believe. You CAN handle it.

The very moment you ask questions and let the answers come, and with the bravery and courage to let it move you forward, guess what?

THE PREDATOR LOSES!

Onward and Upward!

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Do I Need A Predator To Complete Me?

*This post also applies to men who have endured relationships with female Psychopaths*

I’ve been single for four years now. Prior to the last predator, I was not single at all for 30 years. I ask myself a specific question quite a lot that has me ultimately kicking myself: “What the hell was I so afraid of?” to “What was I THINKING?”

I’ve had many survivors share that they just ‘want to have a healthy man’ in their lives. And while there is nothing ‘innately wrong’ with that, the reality that this is one of the first answers to the question about what they want in their futures or is blurted out in a state of anxiety after just having lost their relationship, makes me cringe, or makes me want to pull my hair out when this takes on a tone of obsessiveness. . .

But I remember what it was like to be there and the idea about having a quick fantasy replacement was very real for me. It was obsessive and it got me into all kinds of trouble, most particularly after the last psychopath, who was the WORST out of the bunch. After the last one, I just realized I was so weary, another relationship would undoubtedly have another predator in my life and I just couldn’t run from myself anymore.

Men are awesome creatures! I have several men friends that I love dearly. Oftentimes, they compliment my insanity with sanity and logic when faced with a trigger, are the best listeners and incredibly patient with me. These men are emotionally and mentally solid, with a ton of empathy. They are not exploiters, have no need to manipulate are extremely straightforward and on many issues we can agree to disagree. But I wouldn’t be married to one of them, exception ‘if only’ man, my friend I lost to cancer recently.

Men were a distraction from me. I knew I needed to learn how to live alone, learn to love myself, build boundaries, try to figure out what my values were. I needed to stay as far away from potential pathological dynamics as possible. It took a little while to realize they were happening in groups and that I wasn’t  feeling any better but worse, as well as other assorted pathologicals in my life that had to go. 1656284_10152279806563352_731645456_n

While I have a long way to go in my recovery yet, it’s the alone piece that has helped me the most. I learned that men were not the answer, I was. I learned that if I put as much effort into learning to love myself, as I did into loving men who could not love, I was doing a lot better. It allowed me the time and space to figure out what my boundaries were. Moving out of fantasy into reality, gave me a new and more realistic perspective of men and so the boundaries were easier to set the further away from the relationship I got.

Jumping from one relationship to another to distract from pain or yourself, is what has survivors swimming in the pathological dating pool again. It’s impossible to know what your boundaries are when you don’t take a breather from the relationship. And a long one too, from all forms of dating.

I know, I use to scoff too. Some of the biggest mistakes we can make is if we do not do some serious self examination. Doing it alone, away from pathological men and people has done more for my recovery than if I were still stuck in the dynamic somewhere.

I’m really proud of myself too for having done what was the hardest thing I’d ever do in my life. But I know that unless you’re really willing to do the work on yourself, the thought of doing without feels an impossible accomplishment, but if you’re willing to ride out the pain of being alone, a subtle shift begins over time..

As self discovery moves forward you’ll notice a subtle shift in the questions you ask yourself that goes from, “Will I ever find a healthy man again?” To “What was I THINKING?”

The last question asked and answered, means you’re doing and continue to do, the amazing work of discovering YOU!

Onward and Upward

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Psychopathology In Government, Politics and Business

As as survivor of pathological parents, partners, children, grandparent and former bosses and Professors in college, I’ve been exposed to a lot of psychopathology that lives not only in our personal lives, but in our government, politics and business.

“House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) seemed to echo Mitt Romney’s infamous claim that 47 percent of Americans are “takers” who suck up government benefits during a speech at a conservative Washington D.C. think tank on Thursday. Addressing the American Enterprise Institute, Boehner suggested that President Barack Obama’s economy has lulled many unemployed people into a sense of dependence on government.

 “This idea that has been born, maybe out of the economy over the last couple years, that you know, I really don’t have to work. I don’t really want to do this. I think I’d rather just sit around. This is a very sick idea for our country,” he said.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/john-boehner-unemployed_n_5846084.html

Robert Reich: “I keep hearing Republicans call the Obama Administration and congressional Democrats “anti-business.” Baloney. Corporate profits as a share of national income are higher now than in any year on record going back to 1929. In fact, measured in terms of profits and stock market gains, no administration in recent history has presided over such a boom for business and Wall Street as has Obama’s. The real scandal is that wages as a share of national income are the lowest they’ve been in over 60 years. But don’t expect Republicans to criticize Obama and the Democrats for this.

http://www.fhmovie.com/ Excellent documentary about Corporate Psychopaths, ‘successful’ Psychopaths with riveting interviews with Dr. Bob Hare and Dr. Paul Babiak (Authors of “Without Conscience”, “Snakes in Suits” respectively)

Robert Reich; “As I’ve traveled around the country over the last two months — to Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina, California’s parched central valley, and elsewhere – I’ve been struck by how little people want to talk about politics, and how scared they are about their and their families’ future. Many I’ve met tell me they’re not making it. They’re working several part-time jobs, but not earning enough to buy the groceries or pay the rent or the mortgage, maintain the car they need to get to the jobs and pick up the kids, pay their student loans. Why don’t they make the connection between their economic troubles and the people they’ve elected? Because they feel as if no one is listening to them, that the economy is separate from politics, and their troubles are entirely their own fault. They don’t see they’re among the majority of Americans for whom the system is failing as all the economic gains go to the top. Instead, they feel ashamed and alone.

We need a political revival in America that enables the silent majority to see what’s happening to them and why, and empowers them to take action.”~ Sound familiar? And how often has the pathological GOP let them know that it is their fault? See Boehner comment above.

Below, the latest in tactics by “corporations as People” WalMart as they further screw the low wage worker.

And the next new tactic by WalMart upon its employees:

http://news.yahoo.com/wal-mart-stop-healthcare-benefits-part-time-workers-145535493–finance.html?soc_src=mediacontentstory

Jim Kouri, described political and governmental psychopathology as the following:

“Jim Kouri, citing FBI studies, writes that “some of the character traits exhibited by serial killers or criminals may be observed in many within the political arena.;” they share the traits of psychopaths who are not sensitive to altruistic appeals, such as sympathy for their victims or remorse or guilt over their crimes. They possess the personality traits of lying, narcissism, selfishness, and vanity. These are the people to whom we have entrusted our fate. Is it any wonder that America is failing at home and world-wide?”

“Some may say that this is an extreme, audacious claim. I, too, was surprised when I read Kouri’s piece. But anecdotal evidence to support it is easily cited. John McCain said “bomb, bomb, bomb” during the last presidential campaign in response to a question about Iran. No one in government has expressed the slightest qualms about the killing of tens of thousands of people in both Iraq and Afghanistan who had absolutely nothing to do with what happened on nine/eleven or the deliberate targeting of women and children by unmanned drones in Pakistan. What if anything distinguishes serial killers from these governmental officials? Only that they don’t do the killing themselves but have others do it for them. But that’s exactly what most of the godfathers of the cosa nostra did.”

“So, there are questions that need to be posed: Has the government of the United States of America become a criminal enterprise? Is the nation ruled by psychopaths? Well, how can the impoverishment of the people, the promotion of the military-industrial complex and endless wars and their genocidal killing, the degradation of the environment, the neglect of the collapsing infrastructure, and the support of corrupt and authoritarian governments (often called democracies) abroad be explained? Worse, why are corporations allowed to profiteer during wars while the people are called upon to sacrifice? Why hasn’t the government ever tried to prohibit such profiteering? It’s not that it can’t be done.”

In the vernacular, harming people is considered a crime. It is just as much a crime when done by governments, legal systems, or corporations. The government uses the law to harm people or shield the establishment from the consequences of harming people all the time. Watch as no one from the Massey Energy Co. is ever prosecuted for the disaster at the Upper Big Branch coal mine. When corporations are accused of wrongdoing, they often reply that what they did was legal, but legal is not a synonym for right. When criminals gain control, they legalize criminality.

“Unless the government of the United States changes its behavior, this nation is doomed. No one in government seems to realize that dissimulation breeds distrust, distrust breeds suspicion, and suspicion eventually arouses censure. Isn’t that failure of recognition by the establishment a sign of criminal psychopathology?”

Why is psychopathology denied by American’s?

I received an email late this afternoon from a survivor who was merely offering sympathy for my situation, that she was close to this herself. A woman in her late fifties, given a severance and having to sign a document stating that she would never discuss what went on within the company. Why would a company need to silence a worker? Why would a self serving author need to threaten and silence those who write poor reviews of his book? Why would a company pay a pittance to a low wage worker, yet force them to work many over time hours without pay? Why would a company hire only part times positions? Why would a wealthy company like WalMart cut it’s costs by raising premiums on some workers, while cutting off medical insurance of 30.000 others that are part time? Why would a corporation not hire the middle aged or older, worker? Many of our unemployed are middle age workers who were laid off, or given severance packages, along with documents to keep their mouth shut, from 2008 to present.

Our government (most especially CONGRESS), advocate for this kind of harm, that  has become more and more pathological and remorseless to the point where their masks are totally off and where behavior is ‘brazen’ at best. Exploitation is alive in well in America and ripping us all apart. Manipulation of the masses, no matter what side you’re on, but there is definitely ONE side that advocates heavily for self serving, pathological behavior while sitting perched upon their own grandiosity and haughty behavior. Exploitation that is not hidden any longer but encouraged in a hate filled, bigoted society.

Obama is not ‘hated’ by the right, per se, because as to any band of psychopaths, people are merely used as utility, objects that serve the psychopaths purpose. Racism has always been a problem, a problem that upon Obama’s election, brought the bigots out of the woodwork and this pathological Congress, saw an opportunity to use Obama as weapon to inflame and exploit bigots in society. Hate him? Why? Under Obama, the rich have flourished and members of Congress are RICH. They took advantage of the opportunity to exploit, hatred and intolerance for all vulnerable groups in society, in order to fast track a fascist agenda. These people do not give two shits about their constituents, for as long as the long arm of their media megaphone, which is Fraud Zoo (Fox News), continues to lie, exploit and manipulate, as long as people give in more to their hatred, their own selfish agendas within the realm of pathological religious zealousness, intolerance of any kind and learn to see that they’re being USED, they will continue to re-elect these psychopaths into power, time after time.

They have not just exploited bigotry, but they have exploited intolerance to epic proportions. Gay marriage is one of them, but psychopaths are also mysogynists. and women’s rights have been brutally assaulted through efforts to remove birth control from insurance policies, while religious companies cry foul with the excuse of religious exemption, not because they truly hold these values, but to profit from them. We live in a rape culture where brutal abuse of women, and subsequently blaming them, has again become the norm after what appeared to be genuine progress in our society and minimally within government.

The outrageous moral and ‘criminal’ white collar crimes, done to American’s that have not been an event, but a process over years, has been one where psychopaths have gained more power, starting with Prince Ronnie (Ronald Reagan, ACTOR) trickle down, busting up of unions and the now infamous “welfare queen’.  Then came the disaster that was pathological G.W. Bush (Bush-side kick Dickie) who took us to war on a lie, on a ‘daddy’ issue and killed thousands of our men and women, as well a many more Iraqis, making a monumental mess in the middle east unpaid for (or perhaps stolen out of the SS cookie jar), while making side kick Dickie’s Halliburton very wealthy. . into the billions. Then the next disaster with the  inception of the tea party, CLEARLY a psychopathic entity financed by the Koch Brothers. Psychopaths butt slap other psychopaths. Why is it not impossible to believe that where there are psychopaths in power whose ‘values’ are harm related, that it would not attract MORE psychopaths? The more psychopaths there are, the more deviousness will be and occur. The outsourcing of jobs, started by the brilliant Clinton with Nafta and where The Trans-Pacific-Partnership guarantees more outsourcing of jobs.

Psychopaths are the ultimate fear mongers. They cannot exist unless people are afraid. We have a country full of ignorant, uniformed, hate filled or intolerant, fearful individuals that, if you listen enough to Fraud Zoo, ISIS is now crossing the Mexican border (it ISN’T), Ebola is in every town and if you wipe your eyes after touching someone with Ebola that you don’t know has it, ‘YOU’RE DEAD”. These are the same individuals who want ‘boots on the ground’, putting our men and women again in the middle east, again for another profitable war and election time is the perfect time to rally the country together under the screech of patriotism, not realizing that those of us who are war weary, do not feel like screeching this time, against ISIS.

These are the same individuals who have people believing that the poor have so much power, are incredibly lazy and live every month for their government bennies so they can take a trip to the Bahamas. The visions of “Welfare Queens’ dance in the minds of these people. But as with Boehner’s comment at the beginning of this article, ALL of it is classic PROJECTION. This Congress has actually worked 113 days a year. Seems that every time I turn around, while demonizing the poor, are readying themselves for another vacation. They have done absolutely nothing to help the American people. There has not been a jobs program and if they offer one, it’s FILLED with more tax reductions for the rich, they have not offered any infrastructure improvement, they have butchered social service programs, both through sequestration and through the Farm bill. These cuts were so severe that several state Governors used their own state funding to reinstate the second cut so that their constituents would not STARVE because the unemployment rates are high. There has been not ONE thing done to improve the lives of American’s but MUCH effort in continuing to exploit the poor especially now so close to election time because poverty does NOT discriminate.

People forget that while the President does have ‘power’ in the sense that he runs the country, he does not have the power that Congress does. The following written by D.Mack regarding legislative power:

“Little things can mean a lot. An article about the U.S. Constitution mentions a “system of checks and balances and separation of powers among the three equal branches of government.” Not true. Someone once opined that all men are created equal, but some more equal than others. A careful reading of the Constitution will reveal that Congress is more powerful than the other two branches — and rightfully so. Only Congress can make laws, and can do so with or without the president’s consent. Congress can remove a president or a Supreme Court justice, but only Congress can expel a member. Congress can not only impeach Supreme Court judges, but can also regulate and make exceptions as to the jurisdiction of the court. The disturbing thing about the article is that it was written by the president of the Constitutional Walking Tour of Philadelphia — a good article, except for that one “little thing.”

  If Congress didn’t have this power, we’d have a jobs bill, our infrastructure would be remedied, Citizens United, heavily backed by Congress, Koch and the ultra repulsive, Grover Norquist, with his “taxpayer protection pledge’ signed by higher and lower members of Congress, backed by the fascist five on SCOTUS, never would have happened. This was a DISASTER for American’s, as it gave pathologicals in business the keys to the car, driving hard working American’s over a cliff financially and giving the green light to abuse them mercilessly. Those who blame Obama for everything are the bigots in our country and for all of them that I see on political pages where I work very hard to educate about psychopathy in pointing out behaviors, nothing changes that blame of Obama, because rage and hate drive it. HATE. IS. PATHOLOGICAL.  But there is no mercy upon over half of American’s who are now living in poverty or are teetering on the edge of it.

Just tell a middle class voter that spending is too high, the debt it too high, ‘government is too big’ and that the poor are parasitic and sucking off the system and that THIS is the reason for their ‘hardship and it’s bought hook, line and sinker, I mean DAMN we poor sure do have a lot of power!!!

Exploitation, manipulation, fear mongering, and the last tactic that works is one I’ve personally experienced out of a psychopath: exploitation of faith. Several years ago, the word Christian did not create the divisiveness that it does now. The Christian extremists, psychopaths as wolves in sheeps clothing, ruthlessly use organized religion in the form of “Evangelical Christianity’ as a vehicle to further move hatred and intolerance of the masses, the removal of their personal rights and attacking those that do not agree with their professed beliefs, cherry picked sins out of the bible at best. Christians can be some of the most abusive individuals, and many of them are extremely pathological in their ‘beliefs’. They have done more to drive away those who are more inclined to follow the teachings of Jesus, rather than a Narcissistic God who feels more something to FEAR, than something to LOVE.

When I think of ‘fear of God’ I do not think fear as these Christians do, of hellfire and eternal damnation, but fear as is respect, as God is an awesome God, full of love, compassion, grace and mercy, NOT a self entitled, grandiose judgmental individual whose psychology suggests that they are somehow in tune to God and therefore can make choices about who God approves of or not. To illustrate this sickness, I recently hd a discussion with a woman, regarding the ‘sin’ of my gay son. She was so obsessed with the idea of ‘gay sex’ that she suggested I sit down with my son and watch ‘gay porn’ and that this would set off in me, the ‘normal’ repulsion I should have about gay people, my son in particular. Now, I wouldn’t watch HETEROSEXUAL porn, why the hell would I watch GAY porn? But she would not let up and so I politely exited the conversation.

Psychopaths in power, psychopaths in business, corporations, and in psychopathology too. Money, power and image are very important to some people. So much so that anyone who tries to get in the way, can expect some serious backlash. Their self serving agendas are not difficult to see, in any of these entities, yet those who see them and subsequently question them, discover very quickly that their are fired, abused and well, banned. They are given veiled threats, direct threats and indirect threats. They are smeared by the psychopaths minion, from the survivor who emailed me today who had to sign ‘the document of silence’ and in which her coworkers avoided her, as if, she said, she had ‘ebola’. They are smeared by the minion who are devoted to the psychopath that pays them. Fear of losing image, money or fame, can motivate devious and harmful behavior, smearing and targeting included.

These entities do not care about anyone but themselves and those that serve their purposes for as long as those services are needed by the psychopath to uplift his ego, image or profit. To be in business these days, with the exception of a rare few, one must be ruthless. It is more than just determination and focus, it’s pathological in nature. Not all of us are born ruthless and nor are we willing to subject ourselves to the required empathy deficit so prevalent in business today. Chances are, that the pathological business person, while having a very charismatic personality, ultimately shows us that they are not what was the original presentation given to us. They have no originality  all at and as any other pathological, they borrow or steal from others good fortune to add to their own. Through their sense of entitlement and arrogance, they believe they have cornered the market in whatever business they are in, whatever political position.

And if you don’t think this way, it would be difficult to understand how a pathological individual could sleep at night, knowing they’re harming many, many others. But they do and the next day it’s all about them. To work with, to work for, to read about, these people is extremely energy depleting. Whether you’re having to fake your way through work in pleasing your pathological boss (or avoiding his ire), or having to constantly fan the flames of a forum owner, page owner or group owner, and that the rules are not meant for you but to glorify them, that everything within that vicinity is all about them, it is extremely draining.

There really is an empathy deficit in America, but I also believe, as Betty LaLuna (Narc Raiders), that American’s are trauma bonded. Suffering from a severe deprivation and loss of rights, and they have no idea where it’s coming from. There is no connecting of the dots because there is no knowledge about psychopaths. People are just frightened, raging or depressed.

The reasons we are deprived is because we have psychopaths in power. We are deprived by the most ignorant, hateful and intolerant individuals who do not realize they’re being ruthlessly used to indirectly cause harm to an entire nation to fast track a psychopathic, fascist agenda.

The following is a link that gives an accurate assessment of federal mandatory spending that included welfare and SNAP. If you’ve been buying into the exploitation that it’s all the fault of the poor, this may be very shocking to you.

http://www.motherjones.com/kevin-drum/2012/02/how-much-do-we-spend-nonworking-poor

I have a feeling it will take longer for American’s to wake up to the reality of psychopaths in power, let alone in their relationships, but those in power are more and more obvious as to their intent to harm.

What was most sad to me is that there are so many American’s suffering, busting their asses off and not understanding why it’s so hard for them to survive. If only there were grassroots efforts to teach them about pathologicals in business and in power. I’m very passionate about this issue and see its importance to all of us, but until the rest ‘get’ it, only a few of us are screaming in the wind.

I’ve been blessed to have had the opportunity to change perspectives and/or give those individuals pause when pointing out the behaviors of the side they are aligned too. If open to it, if there is a tiny window of empathy that opens, they can see what I’m describing is true.

We need businesses like Costco, where employees are happy and productive. Where empathic, fair and wonderfully compassionate CEO’s can create  enjoyable environments for employees and customers. These few companies are proof that it can be done. It only makes sense that if you treat your employees well, they’ll be happy to come to work. They’ll be much more productive and customers will get excellent care and service. Unfortunately, profit, image, ego and psychopathy will never allow this environment.

One side really is worse. Fascism comes draped in the flag, touting some religious belief, while carrying a bible, a flag and in this country screeching about patriotism and the Constitution.

Empathy does not. It doesn’t need too because love, care and compassion speaks for itself.

Onward and upward

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When You Go ‘Silent’, The Predator’s ‘Win’

I’m still feeling a bit of irritation about the emails I received. It was too weird to have them sent around the same time, saying virtually the same thing.

It felt more like target practice and I have a feeling I know from which entity. They definitely got the response they wanted, but I have a feeling they wanted much more than just my reaction.

There are so few I trust in the world of psychopathology and support. Looking back on the groups and forums I was part of for awhile, I experienced all the tactics that survivors writing to me as of late, have experienced too. They have a special place in my heart, because they are already hurting from their pathological relationship, are incredibly vulnerable and still stuck in the pathological relationship dynamic, then find themselves wounded again by misinformation or tactics that have them banned or in some other way abused and labeled (narcissist, psychopath) because those providing the services are NOT healed themselves. Some of these people delivering these services have never stepped foot into a therapist’s office and instead opt to turn this into a lucrative business.

Unfortunately, it IS a lucrative business and I see more and more pages and blogs/forums sprouting up. The most dangerous information is that in which normal human behavior is pathologized, creating more hyper vigilance for survivors in that there is a ‘spath behind every bush’. It’s my opinion that in a group or forum setting, a mental health professional with trauma training would be of substantial help. With all  of the pathological dynamics we experience during the relationship, we are not instantly healed from it when we are out, in fact, it can elevated for a time, as it’s an addiction and the addiction to the psychopath and the pathological dynamic take time to break.

I’ve asked myself a million times what to do about this because the ripping off of survivors is so prevalent by inexperienced survivors who put themselves into positions of authority on the subject. Experience is a HUGE factor in finding out in the most painful way, that you were hurt and betrayed. But again, it should never, EVER be in place of one who is experienced in trauma. Over and over, rinse and repeat, trauma is incredibly serious and there are several stages of recovery we must move through in better understanding who this person was, and who we are too. Each survivor comes bundled with their own sets of issues, completely separate from the psychopath and his tactics. All too often, it is the survivors issues that had a hand in allowing a predator into her life. This is not to say that survivors are at fault, AT ALL for predators actions because prior to being exploited, there is just no way to know. It’s only after the fact, that we begin to pull things together and that process, if done correctly, is a very painful one.

I’m choosing to ignore the emails I received and understand that there may be some targeting my way. For whatever are the reasons, especially when it comes to truth about support forums, people in this business understand that there are those who are dangerous, whose ultimate goal is money and ego and that it’s best to keep quiet while survivors keep getting hurt.

And that is THEIR problem, because when I have survivors enduring the fallout of these groups, and I see the rawness of their wounding, it makes me VERY angry and while I do not have control over what others do in this business, I’m not going to keep ‘silent’ so that this continues in a way that survivors are hurt by it.

It really pisses me off when targeting from these groups happens, and shows me that they are not concerned about other survivors, but about their own bottom line (dollar) and ego/image. We will not be liked by everyone and the information offered may not be right for us, but when it comes to groups  or forums, it is a hornets nest of pathological dynamics, unhealed, straight from the psychopath, right into the group or forum. When survivors are first out of the relationship, anger, even rage can be present, along with pain, and extreme hyper vigilance. Some of these groups are dangerous when ruminating is promoted. So I’ll be working on a list of the groups and/or individuals I do support, although they are few. If you’re going to throw money at people, it might as well be in the right place, where you will not have more pain, but walk away with a little bit of MORE hope.

Please know that I deeply care and that where you get your information or support, is critical in getting yourself on the road to healing. I’m absolutely fine if it is not even my blog you choose for that support, all the more reason for me to share where I feel it’s safe to do so and that the people I will put on my list, have the survivor’s healing first and foremost. They will be honest and on their blog or forum, will let you know that they are NOT a qualified mental health professional in trauma. But still are honest folks, filled with integrity in work and in life. I would like you all to have a choice that is positive for yourselves. I really wish I had the credentials necessary to treat trauma. But I don’t and so some of the process may need to e handled by a professional and I encourage this.

Abusers want for our silence. To shut up and not speak the truth is wrong. I don’t care WHO it is. If you’ve been wounded by one of these groups, please feel free to email me and share your experience. It will be kept to myself and perhaps I can hook you up with folks in this field who truly care for you.

This IS my passion. And I WON’T SHUT UP. In doing so, they win. I won’t  let them take me down.

Moving on…..

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Why You Can’t Stop Ruminating About “Prince Charming”

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There are some realities when it comes to the exploiter/predator that we need to become aware of about the romantic, pathological relationship. And not just about him, but about ourselves too.

When I was a year and a half out of my relationship with my predator, it was summer time and I would often walk my boy (dog) a block or two before my back would give out and we’d have to go home. There is a gas station that sits a block away from where I live. A guy that worked there at the time, who was relatively good looking, with ocean blue eyes and a killer smile and slightly athletic in a medium build, would smile and wave every time I walked my boy past the station.

I thought nothing of this, except that he was cute, but that was the extent of my ‘attraction’, as I was still hurting over my predator.

We have two gas stations near where I live and the one this guy worked at, while closer, had gas prices that were outrageous. I refused to go there for gas, until one day I noticed that the other station, two blocks south of the one I walked by with my boy, had put up prices that far surpassed the station closest to me. So I went there instead. Mr. Ocean Blue eyes was very attentive the minute I set foot at ‘his’ station. He would literally run from a pump he was at, when getting out of my car, so he could open the front door of the store for me, where I paid for my gas. At first I found this mildly uncomfortable, yet amusing in some weird way. What guy does that? Ohhh boy…

I asked one of the store clerks if he was single. His attentiveness began to make me feel uncomfortable. I just prayed he wasn’t married. He was single AND interested in me. I said I thought he was good looking and the store clerk shared that he was a ‘really good guy’. So I talked with him more when I went in. One warm evening, I decided that my boy and I needed to get out for a walk because it was HOT that night and we had no air conditioning. He was outside having a cigarette and the station wasn’t busy, so I stopped by with my boy, to talk to him. There were red flags all over this guy. Mindful of my attraction to the disordered for reasons of familiarity, I listened very carefully and observed, rather then talk. I’m known to have verbal diarrhea, an outcome of my childhood pathological dynamic, but this time, I didn’t NEED to say a word to this man.

He said he was looking for a relationship but that I was not. I’m not sure he ‘heard’ this out of me, but more engaged in selective hearing, he was looking for holes in anything I shared that he could EXPLOIT. He rambled incessantly about his ex live in girlfriend of many years, having ‘dyslexia’ and that this is why the relationship ended. He claimed to have been abused. There was a whole lot more, but I did not ask to elaborate, keeping my mouth shut and only sharing benign details about my life. I did share with him that I had just been out of an abusive ten year relationship a year and a half before, but no details, even when he asked. I was getting bored with the conversation and tired of feeling as if I was prey, rather than a potential friend. He asked if we could start out as friends, and go from there. I told him “sure, as long as you understand I’m not interested in a romantic relationship and that I’m not ready to ‘date’ just yet.” He was clear that he would respect that boundary.

Making a long story short, the next day I came in for gas. He was at my window immediately, “SO! How are you???” Jumping up and down like a little kid at Christmas, he said, “What are you doing this weekend? Let’s see a movie, but I need YOU to give me your phone number!” I was clear about wanting to keep things friends lite. I was clear in that I was not prepared to ‘date’, so my boundaries were already crossed, but when “I need YOU to give me your phone number!” came out, I was immediately angry. I saw this as a demand. I saw it as incredibly impolite. Perhaps things have changed since I was in the ‘dating’ pool, but “MAY I have your phone number would have shown me respect. I was triggered and drove out of there angry. I did not go to the station when he was there again.

When I had a chance to think about it after calming down, I began to see the situation with predator boy, as a learning experience. I was very disappointed for awhile and began to wonder if I’d ever be able to have a man in my life again. I did not wish to develop a hatred toward all men in general, it’s just that I seemed to attract the predator boys and not real men. But I was really proud of myself for having listened to myself and in paying attention to all the red flags, which were many. I listened to reality and not fantasy. I paid attention to how I was feeling, feelings that could definitely get me into trouble: Loneliness and grief. I had the devil on one shoulder, an angel on the other. Fantasy was very present and I noticed this to be a big problem for me. “Kelli,this is NOT a romance novel and he is NOT Fabio!”, I thought. Fantasy and 50 shades of gray got me into my last relationship before that stupid book was ever written!

The truth is, I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Despite being lonely and still grieving my relationship loss, I was comfortable alone now. I felt I deserved to be treated well and I learned that I really COULD trust myself. So just as fleeting as the potential fantasy was, he was too and I didn’t give him much thought after that. I noticed that the feelings I would have before, of excitement in that a man was attracted to me, or wanted a relationship, were no longer overwhelming for me. I didn’t feel that initial ‘high’. His excessive flattery looked ridiculous to me.

I learned that I had control over myself, and that I could only be exploited if I allowed it. And I was very proud of myself in not allowing it. All the years I blamed my romantic partners for exploiting and manipulating me into the relationship, I had some ‘blame’ myself. This guy was love bombing and blowing smoke up my ass, doing some heavy ego boosting. It was this that made me feel so uncomfortable the night before, during our (his) conversation. I kept thinking “No one is THAT great!” And in most cases it’s a lie when a man tells me, “you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen”, or “you’re the greatest lay I’ve ever had”, or “The night I had with you was better than with anyone else’. *gag*

It’s the ego stroke that we are stuck on, if we’re to be truthful and it’s hard to be honest about our humanity, our vulnerabilities, especially when those things about us have been betrayed on such a serious level. We get stuck there because we believed this ego stroking. When a predator idealizes us, in terms as ‘you’re the best I’ve ever had!” and you don’t feel good about you, this will work. The predator is projecting his grandiosity, haughtiness, and his own inflated ego onto us. It’s why we feel as ‘one’ with the predator and ‘connected’ with them. We have been exploited, so as to be ascended on high…just like the predator is. He mirrors us perfectly, the very best of ourselves on steroids. Who wouldn’t want to be around someone who made us feel better than what we really are, which is HUMAN?

Another reason we are stuck is that we tend to project our empathy on to the psychopath. I do not see this as intentional of course, but just in being who we are, we assume others think, feel or believe the same way. And if you’re empathic, leave it to a psychopath to take full advantage of such a malleable opportunity. Our empathy is very much part of who we are. When, at any other time in our lives, did we need to discuss our empathy? Whether it was there or not? For many survivors, there is no idea that these individuals without empathy really exist, so when we meet the predator, we’re inclined to assume that this person has feelings. Without this knowledge and what it really means, we have no idea why things are so very twisted and why the abuse is so intense. I learned that it’s not safe to assume (or to assume anything else, which is VERY hard to do) that others have empathy and have learned to be cautious. But once we know that someone is without conscience and empathy, it’s time to embrace that knowledge and get rid of the predator from our lives. His lack of empathy will not change, just like having empathy won’t change in you. His lack of empathy is part of his character, just like having empathy is part of yours.

Another element that gets us sucked in from the beginning, and keeps us staying with the psychopath during ‘sweet cycles’ in the relationship is the element of fantasy. One of my daughter’s has a great love for 50 Shades of Gray. I cringe when I hear about the book and now that there is a move in the works, I’m mortified. The romantic fantasy is weaved heavily throughout our culture, in books, in movies, in articles in women’s magazines, on the intrawebs, everywhere. We, as women, have grown up surrounded by the encouragement of fantasy in romantic relationship. The “Knight in Shining Armor” is not far from what the fantasy entails. We hear romantic stories of love at first sight and are drawn like magnets to them. We see couples married for eons, in which their courtship was ‘whirlwind’ to say the least, giving us justification for our psychopath’s love bombing. Given the divorce rate, it’s safe to say that those relationships are extreme and rare. There are differences in how the genders are raised, women and men. During the time I was growing up, the women’s movement had yet to gain steam. Mothers stayed at home, cooked, cleaned and made sure her man and family were happy. Although many of those roles, especially for women have changed, the element of fantasy and men has not. The idea that men ‘complete’ women, is a lie. But there are a lot of survivors who feel they cannot be alone, and where the fantasy relationship is still possible. But you see, it IS possible if you put that energy into loving yourself as much as you do the predator who has nothing to offer you!

When discussing the element of fantasy, I can relate to this very well. I created the fantasy with the last predator. He was just along for the ride. I did everything else. I was creating a love relationship for me, for us, but he was never really present. Red flags were ignored for this fantasy and so the hurt from the abuse was even more painful to me. I believed that the only way to be happy and ‘complete’ in my life, was through a man. I also learned that I had “Mommy’ issues and did not want to die alone and in poverty like she did. Well, I got the poverty part down and the alone thing down, but I’m not dead yet. I feared being just like her, so in my mind, having a relationship fantasy was my way of ‘showing’ I could do something that she could not: remain with a man. And that was just part of the issues that kept me in fantasy. Reality was too painful for me, but as it turned out fantasy was more so, for it wasted years of my time, my heart, my money, and my psychology. I’ve learned that reality isn’t always fun, but I’d rather live in that world, then in the world of fantasy.

Ironically, once I forced myself to remain alone for awhile and it took a good year and a half of being alone, to start working through my trauma. I spent the first year absolutely terrified of being alone. But at the same time, I knew I couldn’t run from myself. If I didn’t do the work on me, I’d get another “Prince Charming’  predator. Thee is a monumental difference between loving yourself, having personal boundaries, values and morals, and not having them, and this is where the predator gets us.

I remember a post I wrote last year sometime, suggesting that taking at least ONE year to have sex in a dating relationship, gives you a good idea as to whether or not you’re dealing with a predator. Some predators can hold out a year, but most cannot. Sex is the goodie bag for the psychopath in sucking in a potential partner and getting her/him bonded to him/her as soon as possible. Sex is like rubber cement for the relationship. It will be far more difficult to cut loose, once sex has been had and predators are always labeled as ‘best sex I ever had”. Well OF COURSE!

The predator is WELL practiced and it’s the biggest weapon of exploitation in his arsenal! Because so much emphasis is placed on sex in our society, is highly overrated, survivors in pathological relationships become addicted to it. Sex is sometimes the only time she feels ‘loved’ by the psychopath. Sex is a game that the psychopath uses to control and to deprive. It is often the last thing to go in a relationship. Some survivors become so addicted to sex, with their focus on how ‘fantastic in bed’ he is, they overlook that they’re sleeping with a dangerous predator, who has NO ability to be faithful. I got an STD from mine,  believing he was ‘faithful’. This was laughable because I was the OW in the relationship, and this is how sick the pathological dynamics can become, where morals, values, reason and personal boundaries no longer exist.

I also discovered that I was not the only other woman in my psychopath’s life. There were many, many more. Their ability to bed down anything that walks is remarkable for sure.

When I made this suggestion,I got an email from a self professed ‘sociopath’ who chastised me for the suggestion: “You’re a fucking PRUDE! What bitch does not want sex within the first couple of weeks? And you’re suggesting they wait a year! GO back into your hole, lady!” Quite revealing really because this is what predators THINK of women. They are mysogynists and while you’re floating on cloud nine, while he’s telling you, you’re the best sex he’s ever had, he feeds that SAME LINE to every woman he is with. It’s a lie all by itself. The truth is, anyone can have sex and even be ‘fantastic’ at it, but it doesn’t mean there is love involved. Since my relationship ended, I forced myself to take the time to assess how important sex really was to me. The truth is that it wasn’t. I was anything but a prude and engaged in sexually deviant behavior with my psychopath, knowing I was being objectified. The dynamic had become that sick. I was that sick. It wasn’t sex for me and it hadn’t been the entire relationship. It was power for him, dominance over me, a ‘Sally blow up doll’ test. He tried whatever he wanted with me, found out what ‘worked’ and then tried it out on the new victims. Sex is way, way overrated, and in an pathological relationship, an addiction, like everything else in the relationship.

I’ve been ‘sex free’ for five years now. Sure of myself, sure of my boundaries, my values, my morals. They look so much different than having none at all, and if a man cannot wait until I”M ready, then that’s fine with me. I’ll wait, because I know I’m worth waiting FOR. At this point in my life, a relationship seems like a whole lot of work. And I’ve learned, even though my circumstances are very difficult right now, that alone is best for the moment. Having at least that control in my life, FEELS better.

If you’re alone right now and just out of the relationship, it’s the perfect time to take inventory and to ask yourself what your personal boundaries ARE. What your morals and values are, but there is no way to accomplish this unless you force yourself to fight through the pain, loneliness and grief. I really CAN assure you it WILL get better and no matter what horrific things are going on in your life, you still have your new boundaries, morals and values intact.

And ya know what? Predators just HATE that!

I can’t force you to want to embrace this lesson. And I won’t lie to you, it’s very hard to do, very hard work and it will move you toward facing yourself in a very real way, but when you start to feel stronger and better about yourself, it will have been SO worth it. Being in a place to take or leave a man, is fabulous! Being in control of yourself and your life, is fabulous!

Prince Charming is not what you believed in the beginning. That person never existed. And a man who really cared and had his own boundaries, would automatically wish to respect yours. The manipulation phase IS the biggest red flag. And it comes early in the relationship.

Many survivors will not take on this task out of fear and it is scary to be alone. But just know that I’ve seen too many survivors make the same mistake in choosing another psychopath because they did not stop long enough to heal themselves.

You’re WORTH the time it takes. Be encouraged if this is you today.

Onward and Upward.

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