The Tragic Consequences of ‘Victim Blame’

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The recovery process for me, has been a very difficult and challenging one. Filled with points of peace, after my one year milestone passed since the demise of my relationship, then brief glimmers of light after that when I became ill.

Unless one has been through it, the process in waiting for social security is a brutal one. Morning until night is filled with intense worry, stress and pain. The longer the wait is, the more of an albatross I feel around the neck of others. My independence that I was cultivating is gone. Trying to find ways to survive is exhausting. Trying to do it when you’re so tired and your health is poor is another. But trying to do this with C-PTSD and depression feels nearly impossible.

Last week, I tried to convey how this process was affecting me. Although most people are ‘polite’ there are others that engage in victim blaming. It is this way with those I once thought close to me. At no other time have I seen empathy extend as far as to the end of one’s nose and then stop. Unless it’s happening to them, it isn’t happening. And if it’s not happening to them, then victim blaming appears to be the best ‘choice’ in distancing from the situation. What adds to my pain is that many people believe that PTSD and depression are choices, and with this thought process, it’s easy to see why victim blaming becomes the ‘choice’ of those who perceive it as such.

If one can’t be present for a good friend, during an extended time of crisis, can one truly be considered a genuine friend? I do think that there are people who care, but whose discomfort with my desperation and loss of hope is something they feel they cannot fix. It’s true, they can’t, but walking away is ten times more painful. I have  very few that have not walked away and their endless well of support and strength has helped me weather storm after storm. There is nothing like a crisis in a person’s life, that will show them what’s behind the mask of those around them.

Ironically, those who have caused more pain to me, are those who proclaim that I need to ‘turn to God’ and who view my feelings of hopelessness, depression and PTSD as some sort of ‘failure’ on my part in my inability to conform to religious dogma and beliefs that have never suited me. It isn’t Christianity I so abhor, per se, it’s the narcissism involved in the projected propaganda and rhetoric along with the assumption that I do not adhere to God in faith through my circumstances. “If you’re still ‘suffering’ there is something YOU are not doing.” And this. . . is victim blaming. “Just turn to God…you NEED God, HE will provide for your every NEED”. I prefer a more realistic approach: God does not plant money trees in our yards. God does not provide the monies to pay a bill to avoid shut off. God does not provide ‘instant mechanic’ when your car breaks down on the freeway. It’s my opinion that the biggest gap in the reasons that the sick, the mentally disabled, the poor, the elderly and other such vulnerable groups suffer, is not so much self inflicted, as it is governmental DEPRIVATION policies, stigma and stereotyping of those who have mental health issues. What it means to be Christian today, has turned into something that I find repulsive and lacking empathy and compassion.

Some people who say these things aren’t necessarily victim blaming, but they are terribly ignorant. God never said that we won’t endure LIFE, trials or outright suffering, as well as moments of joy and peace. I’ve seen these sorts of statements directed at others in my life too and when I have, I can see the face of the person that this is directed at, fall in sadness. It’s a form of not only victim blaming, but also invalidation of their pain. These sorts of things are said to avoid compassion, to avoid ‘doing something’ about it. It’s to justify an absence of true support, even when the ‘support’  asked for is not asked monetary, but merely making an effort to walk in the shoes of another. . .

Unfortunately, I’ve had many a survivor at my door, due to abuse and exploitation of guilt and shame by those in positions of ‘power’ within their church. The spiritual and emotional pain from this, has caused several survivors to go the atheist route. I do not judge them and I do not shame them, for their unwillingness to conform and the dangerous outcomes to them emotionally, when they don’t. My own ex psychopath was a licensed Pastor and worship leader at his church. There are many wolves in sheep’s clothing that do a great deal of damage when they victim blame through shame.

Evangelicals tend to take a position of being persecuted or victimized when others do not agree with the dogma or their particular beliefs. I do not abide by cherry picked ‘sin’, nor will I tolerate a narcissism, subtle, but yet alive within the evangelical community, that harms or hurts people. The God I serve, does not and would not, exploit hatred, shame, guilt or judgment upon others consequently hurting them, while taking a position of self righteous pontification based on scriptural anecdotes that give them permission to cause harm. Not all Christian affiliations are like this, only those that are extreme and align with a certain political affiliation, whose motive is not about love and compassion. The law of attraction applies here, as it does in many other areas of society where hatred and intolerance are disguised as for the betterment of all, when in reality, it is only for the betterment of a few, while the rest are left to ‘burn in hell’ in some way.

I have many survivors here of differing faiths. I do not disrespect their right to believe as they wish, and ironically, NONE of them have victim blamed. From Muslim, to Jew, to Methodist, to ATHEIST, they have EMPATHY in spades. None of them have projected dogma nor implications to conform. I greatly appreciate this.

In my effort to move away from dogma and shaming regarding a person’s faith, any comments on my blog, suggesting that I need to conform in some said way, will be immediately removed. Any comments directed at others survivor’s with the same purpose, shall also be removed.

My faith is a deeply personal one. There have been times where evangelicals will show up at my front door, with the assumption of course, that I am not one of ‘them’. “Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?” I have the same response every time: “Why, yes I do! And just as I do not discuss my ‘personal’ relationships with the exception of those closest to me, I prefer to keep my personal relationship with Jesus, just that. PERSONAL.”

Because I do not follow evangelical assumptions, nor wish to conform to evangelical personal beliefs, does not make me a ‘victim’, nor is it appropriate to follow up my unwillingness to conform with shame or victim blame by believers of this ‘faith’. I wish to make clear that if your personal religious beliefs are helpful to you, you are more than welcome to share them here, as long as they are in reference to yourself and how your faith sustains YOU. I’ve learned a lot about other ‘religions’ in my pursuit of spiritual growth, some of which have taught me more then what was once my tightly embraced, yet close minded evangelical position, as well as they have helped me tremendously in helping survivors whose faith is not like mine.

While my circumstances are very painful and frightening, they’ve also ‘attracted’ victim blame in other ways and from other people in my life. This has become so bad, that it led to several mental health crisis, including despair leading to suicidal thought. I’m most fortunate to have an excellent trauma therapist, familiar with the disorders, who has literally been my rock throughout this whole ordeal.

In utter exasperation, exhaustion and with a feeling of intense hopelessness and despair, I made my blog private for a few days and instead chose to focus on this with my therapist in an effort to stabilize myself. She is very good at putting into words, what do not come for me as my ability to verbalize my thoughts are paralyzed by incoming victimization. I was overwhelmed, my PTSD and depression symptoms out of control. It’s very frightening to me to be in a place of spontaneous emotional freeze, but it happens most when exposed to fear, chronic anger, pathologicals, hate, intolerance and within the last year, deprivation. If you are the child of a pathological parent (or two), I’m not sharing something that is foreign to you, for all the aforementioned is a daily staple in life with a pathological family.

I shared with my therapist all that I was feeling and experiencing lately. I shared with her the issues surrounding victim blaming. Much of it in the form of the following; “You just haven’t hit rock bottom yet” (WTF?), “You brought this on yourself”, “You need to ‘change your perspective’, “There are others that are worse off than YOU”, “You’re not thinking positively enough”, “You’re not turning to and trusting GOD”, “You’re in this place because of your CHOICES, and you need to take responsibility for them, THIS will heal you!” , “You’re so busy being the ‘victim’ you can’t see ‘solutions’, and my personal favorite, “You’re TOO sensitive! You need to grow a thicker skin!” and “You’re not GRATEFUL enough”. . .

My therapist had a slight look of bemusement on her face. Perhaps it was my way of expressing it in physical and emotional exaggeration, thick with sarcasm. When in reality, I was deeply hurt.

Then I began to sob. Which is just what was needed. The pain of secondary wounding,  growing and festering in me for over a year, had finally taken its toll. This process, all by itself, is a traumatic one.

My therapist beautifully connected my current circumstances to my past trauma. I’ve often felt that I was reliving my pathological growing up environment all over again. Flashbacks, nightmares, dissociation, numbing, depression and suppression were all outcomes of reliving my original pathological family dynamics, day after day. . .and I wasn’t even aware of it. I was feeling it, but logically blaming myself for my inability to pull myself up by my bootstraps, not realizing that I didn’t have any.

My therapist ‘compared’ my current dire circumstances, as related to my pathological family dynamics while growing up in this way:” We would not take a soldier who fought in the Iraq war, who saw killing of comrades or Iraqi’s, and who is now home and suffering  PTSD and put him back in Iraq. What do you think might happen if we did so? How would we expect this veteran to react, behave, or to think?” Her perspective allowed me to let go of the shame, the guilt and the victim blaming. Everything that has happened to me and is happening, made sense to me. It makes sense why I internalize all of it.

Another ‘issue’ couched in victim blaming is the idea of ‘choice’. I did not choose to be born into a loveless, highly and extremely pathologically sick family. I did not ‘choose’ to be born with the intense level of sensitivity that I have. I did not ‘choose’ to be ruthlessly abused. I did not ‘choose’  the familiarity of pathology that guided all of my choices in adulthood (and yes I take personal responsibility for those choices). I did not choose to be hated instead of loved, targeted instead of nurtured. I did not choose to be catapulted into the adult world, woefully and painfully unprepared in basic life skills, let alone coping skills. I did not choose poverty. I did not choose my PTSD, my depression, my Lupus, my Hashimoto’s disease, my spinal stenosis with cord impingement, at the cervical (that now needs surgery but will not be done due to financial, medical and ‘home’ related instability) and lumbar level that leaves me in excrutiating pain, ETC. I did not ‘choose’ to be stigmatized, demonized, belittled, ‘assumed upon’, and that my poverty is again ‘assumed’ to be some sort of ‘character flaw’. I did not choose my disability, limitations that make it impossible to be steadily, consistently employed.

I did not ‘choose’ this process to take far, far longer than what was originally forecast when it all began. No matter what ‘choice’ I make in my life, my PTSD and depression in particular, is NOT. A. CHOICE. When I had stability, however briefly after the relationship with my psychopath ended, I had moments of true peace, but it also led me into a direction in my life and on this blog, which I now deeply regret. While the blog was down the last few days, I took some time to read prior posts. This process is amazing. It is not a spontaneous one and for many of us, a process we will have to work on the rest of our lives. This pertains especially to those who have come from highly pathological homes, where even the most minute crisis, turns into ‘reliving’ trauma.  But a pattern started to develop as I read my articles in that I had begun to ‘victim blame’ too.

There is a point in recovery, once all the abusers have been discarded from a survivor’s life, that a faux ego boost appears. There is a period of ‘relief’ and ‘victory’ in having kicked the toxic to the curb. As with anything in recovery the first few years, it is one extreme to another, as we attempt to stabilize ourselves once the psychopath is gone and we are seriously working recovery without distraction. Not only did I see this within myself, but countless times over the years in others too. These are folks I once agreed with and stood ‘on high’ with. They’re the ‘positive thinking tyranny’. . .

I was victim blaming. I read a post of mine that made me cringe. I remember exactly where I was in process and how full of EGO I was. I shamelessly ripped survivors a ‘new one’ that did not conform to what amounted to my own personal ideology of how recovery works and how the process is done. I found articles that I posted that were further ‘proof’ of how survivors merely perceive themselves as ‘victims’ but can clearly ‘choose’ another course and alter it for the better. What this is, is BULLSHIT. Ramblings of my muse, sitting drinking mai tai’s, pontificating from a sunny beach in Cabo. . .

I hurt survivors doing this. If you were someone reading here at the time and felt ‘victimized’ by me, you have every right to feel that way and I owe you a huge apology and hope you’ll forgive me for invalidating your pain. On the flip side of that, I regret my temporary ego boost, in feeling I’d completely overcome my pathological past, and at having kicked my ‘spaths’ to the curb, because in reality, healing and recovery is not spontaneous and several elements must be in place for one to enjoy each victory, big or small. For every faux ego boost I’ve engaged in during my recovery process, I’ve lived to experience ‘karma’ as a result. I often feel that ‘God’, if nothing else, wishes to keep me somewhat humble in that everyone’s process is different and that there is not a timeline in which recovery is achieved and then it’s ‘over’. Life has complications on its own and we can never, ever predict what will come next. That ‘one’ complication can throw even the ‘most healed’ survivor into emotional or mental health crisis with PTSD and depression and this is especially so for survivors of pathological families.

Survivors often believe (as I once did too) that when they’re over it,  that it’s really over for them. They’ll never get involved with another disordered one again. Yet two years later, they are asking for help because they’re involved with a narcissist. They’ll never experience PTSD again, yet when their parent passes away, the flashbacks and pain reduce them to needing therapy for PTSD symptoms. They’ll never allow another toxic individual into their space, yet their boss at work is a pathological bully and their physical and emotional strength begins to deteriorate, as they fight to hang on to their employment. They’ll have a new life, after living most of it in hell, only to discover that years of stress have taken a toll on their bodies and that they have terminal cancer, a disabling and chronic autoimmune disorder, or heart disease, bringing back to the forefront, chronic and disabling symptoms of hopelessness, despair and deprivation (in these cases, LIFE itself),  feelings so familiar to those who have had pathological ‘nurturing’.

We live in a society now that is overwhelmingly narcissistic. Filled with hatred and intolerance. Filled with exploitation by those in power, filled with scapegoating and ‘victim blaming’ vulnerable segments of society, and very few see this as the problem. Compassion and empathy seem fleeting, lack of empathy and conscience, overwhelming.

While I can ‘know’, logically, what I ‘should’ do when it comes to my depression and PTSD, I’m not as yet successful in tying it into my emotions. I make concerted and valiant efforts to reach out, to share, to attend my therapy regularly and see my doctors with equal consistency. . .

And as I write this, I discovered through my face book news feed, that Robin Williams committed suicide this morning and had been dealing with severe depression. This devastated me. As I read through several posts by varying individuals in the film and music industry, as well as close friends of his, there were also some posts that were filled with as much victim blaming in death, as they were in life. “YOU CHOOSE YOUR PATH! YOU DON’T HAVE TO COMMIT SUICIDE!” Ironically, this came from an evangelical who subsequently stated that if Mr. Williams had “God” he would not have ‘chosen’ to take his own life.

You can ‘know’ what’s wrong. You can be active in trying to alleviate symptoms, but victim blaming and misunderstanding about mental illness, tends to make those of us suffering remain silent. Day after day, we reach out in some way, while in our hearts and minds, we feel such an intense and gripping emotional pain, and it is not choice. NO ONE wants to feel this way.  This is why I’ve not written on my blog. Who wants to hear all of that ‘negative’ stuff? And that’s exactly what happened.

As a writer, I’m not that great. I do not believe the sun shines outta my ass. But if even one of my posts brings understanding about psychopaths and the severe damage they do, what these individuals do to their children (particularly if you’re ex is a psychopath and you share custody, I’m living adult proof of the consequences to a CHILD), to their family, friends and society at large, then I’ve done what I feel I’m suppose to do.

If my writing touches one soul suffering in silence and enduring victim blaming, persecution, heartache and pain as a result of PTSD, depression, anxiety or chronic health problems, then I’ve done what I feel I’m suppose to do.

It’s been suggested by some survivors that my blog isn’t as good as it use to be. Last week, I received an email that challenged a QUOTE for God’s sake. It wasn’t about me and what I wrote at all, but about a feeling of invalidation for this individual’s progress. It was an inflaming comment left and my refusal to allow it, that created this email exchange.

I know there will be people who disagree with me, even become angry at me, but I have boundaries here that I intend to stick too and not *just* because of my PTSD and its many triggers, but because I’m MINDFUL of other survivors who also have triggers. I’ve received plenty of emails by survivors who were very upset by another comment on this blog and I’m very sensitive to survivor’s pain, particularly those just out of their relationship, or those just discovering the extent of familial pathology. This does not mean that every comment is deleted and in fact, I rarely have to do this at all, but when comments appear to me as passive aggressive, baiting, predatory, or potentially hurtful to others, they WILL be deleted immediately. If a comment or a post is upsetting and you feel you must comment or write to me, please give it some serious thought prior to doing so. I will not engage in triangulations, nor will I engage in those who wish to ‘bait’ me into discussion that would be disruptive, not only to me but other readers.

As you can see, this blog deals with very a very sensitive and upsetting subject. Many survivors on this blog suffer immensely with PTSD and depression too. Where other blogs believe that all comments should be allowed, I do not share the same about mine, due to the nature of the subject involved here. There are thousands and thousands of blogs online and I strongly encourage those who read here and find themselves more upset than not, to find support elsewhere that meets their needs. Sometimes, this is necessary and I do understand it.

Last, but not least, this is my blog. I’ve spent far too much time concerning myself with how others perceive me in how I write and what I write about. My writing efforts in the future, will be from my heart and not *just* a third person like diatribe about psychopaths. I’ve learned that while discussion about them is important, even critical for survivors to heal and for the public to understand who and what they are, I find it even more so with so much societal, cultural and governmental upheaval. No, this will not turn into a political page, but keeping up with politics is something I do, both to educate about psychopaths and in taking a ‘temperature’ of society in general. Political blogs and pages are great places to visit for me personally, when I’m well enough to tolerate the overwhelming hatred, intolerance and pathological religious zealousness that I see. It’s like taking a sociology class in some ways. :)

But most important of all, is that if even one survivor finds information and healing support here, that’s what this is truly all about. I’m very proud of this blog and my work in it. Although I’ve not been able to be as active as I wish I could be due to my circumstances, each survivor that comes here means something to me.

Your pain, heartache PTSD, depression truly matter to me. I care a great deal for all people, but admittedly my ‘weak’ spot is hatred, intolerance and victim blaming. It comes in so many disguises, but I see it when it comes.

In conclusion, I dedicate this post to Mr. Robin Williams extraordinaire, whose love, compassion and empathy shined brightly within his talents and his many, many kindnesses to others, who thought him a true inspiration. An empathic man who used his gifts to help others, to create, to share, but whose empathy and sensitivity was a curse, manifest in depression that he could not endure. As an empath, it’s so much easier to deeply love and care for others, than it is to love yourself.

I see your spirit soar, Robin, you are free. . .

 

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Psychopaths In Power and in Society: The Deficit of Empathy

darkness and light

     I was born sensitive. Born with empathy. My pathological parents saw a moving target. My characteristics were not something to be celebrated, they were a liability for them. I can’t recall how many times in my life, said by various individuals, that I was ‘too sensitive’. My empathy was viewed as weakness, an irritant. When you’re a sensitive, highly empathic child, born into a pathological home, things are going to get ugly for you very quickly.

Love and evil cannot coexist. Not in society and not in a home where love and nurture is to take place.

I learned from a very young age to make assessments of my pathological family members to ward off abuse, or to at least make it ‘bearable’. Those who come from these homes would understand what ‘bearable’ means when it comes to abuse, because you never escape it when you’re the target.

I learned to assess body language, facial expression. I learned to look into the eyes of my parents and could ‘read’ chronic anger and rage before it erupted. I learned ‘code words’ that were an indication of what was to come. Because I was such a sensitive kid, I spent the majority of my childhood, in a constant state of hyper vigilance and emotional pain. I was often segregated from the family, living in my room, to either get away from them and experience a few minutes of safety, or because I was being punished for one thing or another. Often as a child, I was ill and there would be no forthcoming medical care for me. I developed a fear of illness.

But just as I was sensitive and empathic, allowing me to ‘read’ my parents and their various cues, they were also able to ‘read’ mine. I was a constant source of irritation to them, a threat. It was never spoken, but ‘they knew that I knew’. What was so strange about having a ‘vague’ idea about how evil these people were, is that I was not able to express it, I was not able to ‘label’ it,nor within a subsequent context that would describe their behaviors and attitudes.I just knew I was dealing with people who were not playing with a full deck. I learned to adapt to them. I learned to normalize abuse even though I knew innately that it felt deeply wrong, that it was filled with deceit, hate and contempt. Often I would be punished for ‘looking at them the wrong way’. In retrospect, I often wonder if what they were responding to in my facial and eye expression wasn’t motivated by the reality that I knew they were pathological. I was slapped into silence. Quite literally, slapping ‘that look’ off my face, as my mother often said. This would so confused me. What was my ‘look’? I tried very hard to figure out what that ‘look’ was that would get a hand across my face out of nowhere. These were the times that I could not predict an outcome.

So I worked hard at ‘the blank stare’. Even now, I can see the spontaneous rage on her face as her arm would lift into the air, and as her hand would move toward my cheek. Those moments fill me with pain. Moments that I buried deep inside myself. Until I walked into this situation with waiting for disability. I’ve relived so much abuse, so much trauma. This time, not from my pathological parents, but from a narcissistic, hateful society. I fall into many ‘hate’ categories right now. I know the system is against me. That system and the society of hate, have now become my abusers. But what causes me the most pain of all, is to see the same on the faces or in type of so many more. . .

Because I lived with so much chronic hate, rage and contempt, I see it readily around me. The same abilities I had as a child, haunt me today as I read various headlines, and read thousands of comments on various pages and blogs. I FEEL the pain of other people. While this is a tremendous gift I believe given to me, providing me with vast amounts of insight and empathy, it is also the biggest curse when it comes to seeing and feeling hatred and the consequences to those who must live within its parameters in society.

As a consequence to so much pathological abuse from childhood, I have chronic PTSD and health issues. I’ve read much about how chemicals and wiring in the brain are changed in a child who is experiencing extremes in abuse. A constant state of hyper vigilance, gives way to cortisol pumping through the body, adrenalin in the ‘on’ position, never turned off. I’m not only extremely sensitive emotionally, but also physically. The slightest loud noise can send me through the ceiling. My central nervous system is damaged. Things that ‘normal’ people can tolerate, I cannot now.

Many medical professionals disassociate chronic health problems from the brain, the mind, when in reality, the two are very much in sync with one another. Chronic health problems are chalked up to emotional/mental distress. Many diagnosis that were missed in the past year or two, due to this ‘stigma’ that some medical professionals have in that ‘it’s all in your head’. I’ve become very ill to the point where medical testing was necessary to ‘prove’ that my autoimmune and deteriorating spine, were in fact, real.

Being on medicaid has not helped this, as stigmas and hatred abound for the poor and the sick. I don’t want to imply that all medical professionals hold these views, but many of them do, allowing the poor to suffer far more than is necessary. But it’s more than just ‘medical professionals’ who fall into this category and the reasons for stigma’s existence. There is a subtle, yet obvious change going on within our own country that says psychopathy is at the wheel in positions of power. The ‘trickle down’ is not about some pseudo fiscal responsibility, but about hatred, intolerance and abuse of those who don’t measure up to a system that has become incredibly narcissistic, targeting many groups in society that are vulnerable. For me, this is easy to see, as the dynamics are strikingly similar to the psychopathology I was exposed to so much in my childhood.

I wish I could say I’ve never seen so much hatred and intolerance in my life, but that wouldn’t be true. I’ve reached the point in my life now, where there is no reason not to share how I perceive this, as it is a crisis of epic proportion and many, many people are being abused and wounded, people whose positions in life as ‘simpletons’ to the elite, are viewed as weak, voiceless and are now open targets for exploitation and abuse. We are a country that has normalized psychopathic behavior in power. We are a country where abuse is normalized in society. Those who are being abused are not only voiceless, but feeling more and more apathetic and hopeless, as if psychopaths in power cannot be removed from their positions. This is what psychopaths want us to think. Just as they want our silence in personal relationships when it’s over, they want our silence in society.

For those of us who have endured a lifetime of psychopathy, it’s our responsibility to speak up and not shut down. We cannot allow hopelessness or apathy to overcome us. It will not resolve what ails us so.

Recently, my therapist told me I had a ‘gift’. “You’re an empath”. I cringed. I’m not comfortable with this label. To me it implies ‘special’ in some way, it segregates me from others. It’s hoped that all of us have a level of empathy. My therapist vehemently disagrees with this position. She also shared with me that my ability for insight is astounding and that this is one of the reasons she enjoys working with me. I don’t have pretentiousness anymore. In some ways, I suppose she’s right, but it’s really not about this ‘gift’ I have, or the label that implies it, but more so what will I do with it to help make the world a better place.

Psychopaths and those without empathy do not like me. While I understand that not everyone will, this is different. I’m talking about the same level of hatred delivered at me, as it was as a child, because of this ‘knowing’ who psychopaths are, those who lack empathy. They are incredibly easy for me to see. They move among us as if real, compassionate and caring individuals, but only to those they manipulate and exploit. They are evil beyond evil and the vile that comes from their mouths, from their type is vicious, contemptuous and filled with hatred and chronic anger. There are also those who are passive aggressive, who appear to have some sort of definable intelligence and reason, but when exposed to their subject of hate, turn like rabid animals.

Creating and writing this blog has never been ‘safe’ for me in the real sense. It’s been an effort to not only support those victimized by evil, but also a vehicle of education through shared experience. There are times when this has been very scary to do and where targeting by psychopaths has occurred more than once here.

Not only do I see them. They see me too. They want to shut me down. They want me to close my eyes, to assume a position of vulnerability and of fear. Fear mongering by well meaning peers, were in part, the reasons I could not write. I make myself more vulnerable, more of a target for psychopaths, simply in writing about them. No one can be trusted. I understand how they feel, but if I take this position, it’s one more survivor who does not get the support they need. It’s one more abuser, in my mind, trying to shut me down, like all of my pathologicals did. It’s one more effort to silence a voice that God has given to me. I am not the greatest writer in the world and I come from a position of humility. I’m not interested in ‘sitting on high’, nor to elevate myself above others. I’m interested in being a small voice among many in helping to educate and hopefully and eventually eradicate, psychopaths in their positions of power. I’m interested in helping to encourage other survivors to speak up and out. I’m interested in sharing that all of this, while seemingly complicated in a world of divisiveness and polarization, is about the need for love and empathy in a world full of hate, contempt and intolerance.

My ability to love is not a source of shame. It is not something that is to be ridiculed, as if it’s something that is unattainable. Love and empathy are at the source of all that is good, all that will initiate change. All that will bring us together.

I visit political pages and blogs as much as I can or when I feel well enough to engage. I use this platform to engage others in seeing psychopaths at work. I’ve ‘met’ the most interesting people. In a few, I’ve been able to help them SEE through the superficial bullshit that psychopaths in power want us to see. Distraction and triangulation are all part of the psychopathic effort to keep us from seeing them and their tactics. Just like a psychopath or narcissist in relationships, similar dynamics are involved.

In our relationships with the pathological, we experience the manipulation/exploitation phase in the beginning. This is where the psychopath is most ‘energetic’. Whatever likes, loves or dislikes, HATE you have inside of you, the psychopath exploits this. Many survivors think it’s just all the ‘good’ inside that the psychopath is after, and none of the ‘bad’ stuff we carry within. That is not so. Just as we all have a ‘good’ side to us, we also have a ‘dark’ side and a psychopath is the first to exploit it. When this is happening during luring, it’s part of a game called ‘triangulation’. How many survivors have felt a ‘kinship’ with the psychopath in the beginning, while he demonizes that ‘evil bitch’ from his past? It’s a faux ego boost for the victim, its intent to harm another, a joining in alliance against perceived enemies of the psychopath. We witness the reaction of previous victims in his life, hysterical and riddled with rage or pain, subsequently validating the psychopath’s script about a previous partner. The truth is that we do not even know him/her. We assume the psychopath is telling the truth, through his myriad of pathological lies about his invented history, tailored to suit the new victim’s vulnerabilities. No, not all that he/she exploits is our good side, but one that produces a lack of empathy for others. We begin to MERGE with the disordered one, seated with him on high, as we unwittingly participate in his targeting of others.

When we think of vulnerabilities, we attribute them to something ‘soft’ and somewhat benign. Loneliness, grieving, loss, shame, pain. We don’t consider hate, intolerance or pathological religious zealousness as vulnerabilities. BUT THEY ARE. And psychopaths exploit this easily in others. Psychopaths target those with empathy as ‘character flawed’ as ‘weak’ and not strong, They exploit justifiable anger about hate and intolerance as ‘intolerant’. Such cognitive dissonance, eh? Everything they accuse those with empathy of saying and doing, they are saying and doing. Psychopaths and Narcissists are not just master manipulators, they are masters of projection. They will say or do anything to keep the masses in disarray, hate and confusion in order to fulfill their agenda, to get what they want.

When President Obama was elected, it opened a pandoras box. Those that I never suspected as harboring any form of hatred, are now transparent supporters of a psychopathic agenda. It has been shocking and painful to see this. Bigots that were in the closet before, are now openly targeting minorities. Psychopaths in power have ruthlessly used Obama to exploit closeted hatred in society. When I read comments on political pages, the hatred leaps off the page with a noise that is repetitive and overwhelming. There is an underlying sense of chronic anger. Recently, I saw two articles, exclaiming that a Republican Congressman believes that whites are being discriminated against. This is LUDICROUS, but a good example of projection.

I certainly feel hatred toward me from society, but not because I am white. I have never ‘suffered’ to the degree that my African American, Hispanic and Asian friends have suffered. I’ve never had white eyes upon me when I walk into a store, assessing me for potential robbery. I’ve never been put into a choke hold by cops hellbent on KILLING me. I’ve never experienced the contempt and unadulterated HATE out of WHITE person’s eyes, as I pass them in the streets. I’ve never been stopped by a cop because my skin color means I must be ‘shady’ in some way. I’ve never experienced targeting by others because of my SKIN color. We all BLEED the same RED, people!

I have been the target of ruthlessness because I live in poverty. I’ve been the target of stigma because I receive medical services via medicaid. I’ve been targeted by eyes that watch me as I pull out my SNAP card at the grocery store. I’ve been targeted and stigmatized because my disabilities are invisible. Trickle down is no longer the lie that can be upheld. Trickle down is now about hatred, and intolerance. Inequality, corporate psychopaths as PEOPLE, have left many of us hopeless in the hands of psychopathic POWER.

The recent Hobby Lobby decision by pathological members of SCOTUS was an interesting one. While many are screaming in divisive voice about the removal of women’s rights, and while this is very real, as psychopaths tend to be mysogynists, it is more than this. It requires us to look deeper into the issue and how we can easily discern a lack of empathy and compassion, a lack of conscience that is at the root of all that is wrong right now in government, politics and in society.

Hatred all by itself and in its many forms IS pathological. A lack of empathy means there is a lack of emotional intelligence. Psychopaths emotional intelligence rating is that of a 12 year old and that is a reach. With every pathological relationship, the psychopath eventually cannot maintain the energy required to keep a facade of empathy and emotional ‘intuitiveness’ because it doesn’t exist. This will be the ultimate ‘outing’ for a psychopath. Addicted to power and control, driven by dark and deviant forces, they feed off the energies of other people and there is no energy more powerful than hatred.

The ONLY power equivalent to this is LOVE. LOVE AND HATE CANNOT COEXIST. This is why our relationships inevitably fail, because most survivors are filled with empathy and love, while a psychopath is driven by POWER and CONTROL. Hatred is a vehicle used to get what the psychopath wants. All of his actions feel as if hatred to a survivor. It’s when a survivor begins to see the psychopath’s inability to carry on the faux empathy, when she/he recognizes his/her manipulation/exploitation to deprivation, to dependence, rinse and repeat, is when the psychopath is plotting his/her exit. And if the survivor fails to recognize it, or fails to allow awareness to supercede her denial, but her empathy is a constant presence in begging the psychopath to give to her EMOTIONALLY what he cannot, the survivor becomes an object of rage, hatred. . .and intolerance, hence the survivor is discarded.

We are seeing this in society. The dynamics of psychopath’s in power are precisely the same as they are in our relationships with them. There are abusers running our government, our politics and corporations. The rest of us in society are victims, whether we recognize this or not. We are victims of constant exploitation, whether of our hate, or of our kindness. But hate for a psychopath works better in this situation. Corporate media, run by corporate psychopaths, feed us daily with the various antics of psychopaths in power. While ALL media is guilty of exploiting emotions in their targeted audiences, there are one or two entities that are being utilized as weapons of exploitation upon vulnerable victims in society in their various forms of hatred.

Many people on my political pages say that ‘both sides do it’.

Without taking a ‘side’ to this and preferring to see the bigger picture, I can also say that NO both sides DON’T do it. To miss this is a mistake and an error that those who are frustrated with the current system or who are harboring some ill will toward a targeted ‘exploitee’ in society, want people to believe.

With all that you know about psychopaths right now, can you honestly say you’re on ‘their side’?

The law of attraction applies here. People will be drawn to entities and people that believe like they do. No one knows this more than a psychopath in a position of power. Just as the psychopath does with a new victim in his personal relationships in demonizing those that he hates, forming an alliance with the victim in that hate, so are the same tactics used by psychopath’s in power. The psychopath targets  the victim in the first place because the victim has something the psychopath wants. Whether it’s control for fun, duping delight, money, a caregiver, whatever the reason, it is deceitful, malicious and hateful. But the ultimate goal is power. If we keep in mind that psychopath’s are addicted to this, it is relatively easy to see the ways and lengths they will go to achieve that power.

This is what I’ve seen out of one side. Keep in mind that I harbor no hatred in my heart for a specific group of people. I’m not blinded by hatred because of color of skin, class status, religion, sexual orientation. Hate and intolerance are repulsive to me as I’ve lived a lifetime of it out of psychopaths. I admit readily to hatred for intolerance, exploitation, harm onto others. I hate injustice. I pity those who harbor such forms of hatred. If there is hatred in my heart at all, it is for those without conscience, without empathy, who deliver their strategies upon innocents for the sole purpose of power over. Many lives have been taken or destroyed at their hands and while they will always be in our midst, it is RIGHT to remove them from positions of power where their deviant and hateful targeting of a large population of innocents is stopped or at least, greatly alleviated. I realize this is somewhat a utopian type cause, but one that I believe can be achieved if people learn to recognize that at the core of all of this hatred and intolerance, is a psychopath with a harmful agenda of POWER OVER.

One side is predominantly narcissistic and psychopathic. One side utilizes others to exploit and manipulate people in society who harbor hatred. One side has engaged heavily in using tax payer dollars, to deprive the American people of subsistence, of opportunity,  of affordable education, of their personal rights, of food, of housing, of unemployment. Of JOBS. One side has obstructed progress and turned it into advocacy for regression of all forms and types. One side has used other entities to exploit a hate filled public with propaganda and consistent pathological lies in order to keep their power over. Fear, ignorance, stigma, stereotyping, profiling, wealth, are all forms to which one side has utilized to keep an uniformed public in hysterics, rage, chronic anger.

A veil slips over the eyes of those that hate, when their exploiters use code words meant to keep them mired in this highly charged and destructive emotion. This side advocates heavily for harm with deprivation policies that guarantee power is maintained. And since power for a psychopath is insatiable, their unwitting supporters are an addition to moving psychopaths into a position of power over all in creating a fascist state. This is not impossible to fathom, as with their addiction to power, their goal in achieving the ultimate, is not yet reached. As with every psychopath, whether in relationship or positions of power, they ultimately discard their supporters, maintaining only a select view that are so blinded as to support the psychopath’s agenda no matter what they do to harm others. We see this in victims of psychopaths, who are so dependent and so merged with him psychologically, that they cannot free themselves from the psychopath’s grip. This is the victim that is nothing more than an object to be further abused at the psychopaths whim and in which the victim is forever lost to her/himself, and whose very intake of oxygen is reliant upon the psychopath.

The other side is predominantly empathic, compassionate and progressive. This side advocates heavily for the rights of all. This side wants job growth. This side wants to see all American’s have the opportunity to engage in the process. They want ALL American’s to have the opportunity to realize their personal and professional BEST. They want us all to have education, to live in freedom, to help the poor, disabled and the elderly. They want to put a stop to racial hatred, hatred of the poor, hatred of the disabled. They care about those who are LEAST in society. This is the platform that is the very ESSENCE of what it means to be ‘liberal’. Is it at all a wonder why psychopath’s HATE liberals? The same reasons psychopath’s HATE their prior victims. When power over was no longer possible, when the victim wanted MORE than what the psychopath could give, which is LOVE and COMPASSION, the psychopath DISCARDS.

I’ve watched, observed and researched. I’m not allergic to facts, Hatred is so blinding that facts are not possible. Psychopaths hate facts. Part of ‘fact’ is in discovering who they are and what is their intent. I do not believe that all who are caught up in hatred, are without empathy or emotional intelligence. I’ve had the great pleasure to discuss with a few, their feelings of hatred and from where it comes. I’ve had the great pleasure of discussing psychopathy and what it does and how that vulnerability of hatred is being exploited for an agenda that will inevitably cause harm to all of us. I’ve spoken with people in other countries who have asked if our representatives in Congress are mentally ill. Even when there are times where hatred blinds, love can still be there. Empathy, even as a small seed within an individual, can grow. 

Empathy and emotional intelligence go hand in hand. Empathy is not just about ‘loving others’, it’s also about loving ourselves. It’s about the ability to recognize the darker parts of self and to extrapolate and DEAL with it. It takes remarkable courage to admit that we have a blind spot, even if that blind spot is one of hate, of intolerance.

Not too long ago, I was at the grocery store with my son. These trips are exhausting for me. I pick up on facial expression, chatter, nuance. It is overwhelming for me. My son is aware of my disabilities and is empathic and kind, for which I am so grateful. One day, however I caught myself in a thought that had me feeling ashamed of myself. A woman ahead of me in line, overweight and with obvious inappropriate hygiene, began to put her groceries upon the conveyor to the check stand. I watched her face as she slowly unpacked her items, her head hung low and away from public scrutiny. As the conveyor moved past me making its way to the checker, I noticed that it was filled with candy, soda and other assorted junk food items. Then…she pulled out her SNAP card. Not paying attention to my thoughts, the stereotypes and stigma began to float through my mind, just as those on the political pages in their assertions of hatred for the poor and their assumptions that they are all parasitic and ‘abusing the system’. . .

When I realized what was happening in my thought process, I was horrified. I looked at this woman again and quickly changed my perspective to one of compassion. Briefly, she looked at me and smiled with a sad smile, illuminating my shameful thoughts. I felt that my thoughts could be read by all around me. I beat the shit out of myself all the way home. How could I have thought this way of her? It was then I began to realize, the subtle societal brainwashing of psychopaths in power and their propaganda machines. Stereotypes are filled with repetition, infiltrating the mind without awareness. I couldn’t believe, that for even a second, these were my own thoughts. The images of the ‘welfare Queen’ so vividly described over and over and over. . .are the images now part of our culture. I learned how spontaneous this thought is and how damaging to those who are its victims.

My situation, while dire and painful, has deepened my empathy. It has given me gifts that are so important in catching my own behavior, my own thoughts. It has given me the gift to see this beautiful soul in the checkout line, her face and appearance darkened by depression. An all encompassing feeling of hopelessness. I have thought a thousand times that I wish to run into her again and hug her. I know what it’s like to stand there in that line, for it takes courage to do so when you know that many more behind you are silently judging you. Whether it’s because they truly harbor hatred for you and what is perceived and assumed, or simply because subtle nuances in brainwashing and societal contempt can also make you a victim of exploitation of your own thoughts. Emotional intelligence and empathy,, allows us to cut through the hatred, to see psychopaths and their tactics and how easily we can fall prey..

Healthy people do not advocate for harm to come to others. Healthy people do not deprive or practice deprivation in policy or in heart, that create dependence and hopelessness for the sake of power and control. Healthy minded individuals do not harbor hatred in their hearts for others who are considered to be different, weak or sick. Healthy minded people advocate for empathy, love, compassion and peace. All of which is completely contrary to the capabilities and agendas of psychopaths. Healthy minded people also acknowledge and work to take care of their dark side. Whether it’s hatred, chronic anger, assumptions about others, passive aggressive rage, they will want this to be alleviated. EMPATHY allows such courage. It allows us to maintain our humanity.

Many wonderful people, human beings as they are, in the past have worked hard to underscore freedom, personal rights, compassion and LOVE. The quote included in the meme of this post is by a man I admire and greatly respect and whose message of love and compassion was something he died for. . .at the hands of a psychopath.

I do not agree with all of Barack Obama’s policies. Not in the slightest, but he has my utmost respect because he has endured far more than previous sitting President’s who were, IN FACT, guilty of crimes against humanity. Obama’s ‘crime’ is that he is black and a convenient weapon of exploitation. It is unimaginable to me, how this President has endured daily hatred out of those in society that others in power have worked so hard to exploit. It is a lie that they hate this President. They’re psychopaths. Obama is just a convenient ‘object’ as all individuals are, in exploiting others to get what they want. To fulfill an agenda that has nothing to do with ‘hatred’ in the sense that others believe in that it’s somehow about hating a black man. It’s far more devious than this. The agenda of all power and control, is one that has harmed all of us and one that will complete its destruction if allowed to pursue it’s course of power addiction. Those that support hatred for this black man in office are in reality, supporters of psychopaths in power who also bode their exploited supporters ill.

I’ve never, in my lifetime, seen a sitting President, treated in this manner. It is appalling and shameful. But the reality that he’s being used to exploit, is far more alarming. The wealthy have done well under Obama and most in Congress are wealthy. People often believe that ‘greed’ is the problem with these psychopaths. That is incorrect. Psychopath’s hoard money, for it is a symbol of POWER. These psychopaths have their names associated with their worth in lights, everyday. How power inducing do you think this might be to a psychopath?

Psychopaths in power are far more dangerous. They aren’t about utilizing their monies for the greater good, they are about utilizing it to obtain power in America. Over all Ameican’s. For a psychopath, this thought, this fantasy, must be incredibly intoxicating and the deviousness to which they will go to obtain that power is endless. Obama, their supporters, are merely objects to be used in meeting that ultimate agenda. They mean NOTHING to the psychopath.

One of the things that makes pathological individuals so dangerous, is that even when given the opportunity to use their power for good, they will not do it. There is no reward for them, for the wiring in their brains, where reward is creating harm and pain to other people. They love creating drama, triangulation, divisiveness. They writhe with glee in seeing people deprived of what they need or want the very most. A psychopath is powerless with an individual or community that is self sufficient, independent and allowed to grow. If we had an America right now, where we had jobs, where the poor, elderly and disabled were adequately cared for. Where after sending our vets off to war that was fought under false pretenses and LIES, that made psychopaths in power VERY wealthy, that we automatically assume for their care. Caring for other human beings, utilizing empathy and compassion, giving people opportunity to realize their personal and professional best, is not encouraging dependence. Another projection as psychopaths create this dependence through deprivation.

I want to leave this post with thoughts expressed by our President, a few years ago in a speech he gave.
“There’s a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit. But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit – the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes; to see the world through those who are different from us – the child who’s hungry, the laid-off steelworker, the immigrant woman cleaning your dorm room.

As you go on in life, cultivating this quality of empathy will become harder, not easier. There’s no community service requirement in the real world; no one forcing you to care. You’ll be free to live in neighborhoods with people who are exactly like yourself, and send your kids to the same schools, and narrow your concerns to what’s going in your own little circle.

Not only that – we live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that too often tells us our principle goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe, and entertained. A culture where those in power too often encourage these selfish impulses.

They will tell you that the Americans who sleep in the streets and beg for food got there because they’re all lazy or weak of spirit. That the inner-city children who are trapped in dilapidated schools can’t learn and won’t learn and so we should just give up on them entirely. That the innocent people being slaughtered and expelled from their homes half a world away are somebody else’s problem to take care of.”

An empathy deficit. We need to increase it.

Onward and upward.

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The Pathological Relationship: Self Sabotage When The Relationship Ends

Giving them a bullet

     It’s been awhile since I’ve written a long post. I’ve been enduring a lot of hardship, exacerbation of my own PTSD symptoms and chronic health issues. I developed writer’s block and have recently discovered why. While there are many reasons for this, the power of a friend’s words, that were meant well but very fear provoking for me, cemented my block.

This post is a bit of a warm up in working to overcome that block. I’ll share in another post what has been going on in my life that has made a great contribution to my inability to write, as well as what I’m learning and still trying to process. I ask for patience as I play catch up here.

I have a separate email that is attached to my blog, set up especially for survivor’s to write to me and share their stories privately. It’s been awhile since I’ve checked it, so when I opened it and discovered 186 emails, I about fell over. It’s been too long of a sabbatical. Anyway, I read a few and answered a few. A day later, I read even more. I see a pattern evolving in many of them, that instead of trying to answer each one separately, I could work to answer in a post instead. While I do intend to get to every email, it will take me some time. I ask for patience with this too. 

While reading these emails, I realized how uncanny most of them are, following a predictable pattern in outcome in the aftermath of the pathological relationship.

I’ve addressed similar issues before in other posts. “Why Did He Choose Her And Not ME!” is the most often read. This doesn’t address the continued unhappiness of survivor’s when it comes to the psychopath’s portrayal, through social media and in ‘real time’, of his ‘happiness’ with another victim. Oftentimes, the new victim aware or not, is actively involved in this game of triangulation, for the psychopath knows that the previous victim will be ‘stalking’ him in viewing his Facebook, reading his Twitter and other social media outlets. If there is one thing that advanced technology has done, is make it far easier for psychopaths to stalk, as well as a ‘fabulous’ addition to his predatory abilities and habits. At the same time, it’s made it easier for survivor’s to torture themselves in ‘peeking’ behavior that many times turns quickly into an obsession, especially when a new victim is involved. This is self sabotage. Unless this behavior is stopped there cannot be recovery. This is why no contact includes resisting the urge and addictive compulsion to take a walk through his social media park!

Now, to address the notion of his instant pseudo change and ‘happiness’ projected: What he’s doing with her, is not much different than what he did with you. Psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths (my ‘label’ of preference is psychopath), are predatory parasites. A LOT goes into luring and capturing victims. These individuals are far from ‘original’. They are chameleon’s but they are brilliant at assuming your own personality traits, likes and dislikes. The only difference in what you’re seeing in your psychopath with a new victim, is that the new victim is a different person, with different likes and dislikes, a different personality than you.

The psychopath will have to ‘adjust’ to her personality and what she ‘expects’ in a partner. He will be that partner for her, just as he was with you. Sometimes these outward and superficial changes are so extreme that the survivor is convinced that he’s ‘changed’ with the new victim. Of course, all of this is projected on to a superficial society who instantly believe what they see, not what is real or true. We are trained to believe these images projected as real, when they are not. They are merely a snapshot in time and not an accurate reflection of daily existence, nor what the new victim is enduring.

The issue of the psychopath’s ‘change’ when he moves on is ludicrous in reality. How long do you think it takes for real change? As in behavior? Think of it as quitting a habit or an addiction, whether it’s smoking or overeating, alcohol or relationships, how long does it take to change this behavior? There are behaviors attached to addiction that are compulsive and obsessive. This is the psychopath in his insatiable addiction to power.

The power the psychopath believes himself to have, rests in the idea that he has control over others, that he can maneuver others emotions, play games with their lives. He lives to do this. It fuels his addiction and there is nothing more intoxicating to a psychopath then to have many victims in pain over him all at the same TIME, as well as his euphoric success at having duped yet another. The new victim will experience exactly what you are experiencing right now. And if she stays she will see the same patterns unfold that you saw unfold but denied were there.

Just as the psychopath is addicted to the power he has in every relationship, so is the victim addicted to him. She becomes emotionally, sexually and often financially dependent through the psychopath’s calculated deprivation tactics when the honeymoon ends. Once the psychopath has a firm grip on the survivor’s life, things begin to change for the victim. Sometimes this is very subtle, occurring over years. At other times, it is so fast that the victim is left in shock, with subsequent self doubt. And so begins the addictive cycle of abuse for the victim.

The addiction to the psychopath is created by depriving the victim of what she truly wants and inevitably what she truly needs from him to survive in the relationship. During the manipulation phase of abuse in the relationship (luring, love bombing), the psychopath is giving the victim exactly what she wants. The psychopath will go out of his way, exerting incredible amounts of energy in providing her with romance, lots and lots of unbelievable, mind blowing sex, vacations, flowers, wine, and other gifts. He will be the ultimate stepparent or father to their future children. He will be idealized by one and all and admired for his magnificent appearance of love, empathy and compassion for his new target.  Often, if the victim reveals deprivation in prior relationships, the psychopath will give this to her liberally during manipulation. He exploits every available vulnerability in his victim. This catapults him to more than pedestal status in her mind. The deal is sealed and she is hooked. Literally.

When the honeymoon is over, her commitment to him will be rewarded with deprivation. He will begin to say unkind things. He will begin to verbalize his unhappiness with what she wears one day, or how she looks, when before he loved her style. He’ll complain that she’s not sexual enough, or is prudish. He’ll triangulate her with family members, and with her (or their) own children. He’ll deprive of her of his time, his money, intimacy. If he feels she is pulling away, is suspicious of who he is, or is planning to leave, he’ll begin the manipulation phase all over again. In whatever way he creates deprivation and dependence, it is surely tailored to what are her personal wants, needs and personality. The relationship becomes an addiction, the psychopath her drug.

It is quite rare to hear a survivor tell me that sex with a psychopath was less than fantastic. Given that psychopaths are incapable of monogamy and get lots and lots of practice, this does not surprise me. It also doesn’t surprise me that the most powerful weapon in the psychopath’s arsenal IS the sexual relationship. He creates dependence in many of his victims through his deprivation tactics. It’s my personal view that we place far too much emphasis on sex to fix or heal relationships and its often the last to go in a relationship with a psychopath. So while the psychopath deprives in every area of the relationship, the victim feels that sex is the only time where there is any affection from him. Sex becomes love and the victim becomes an object in her effort to perform to his standards. Sex becomes loveless and she engages in deviant sexual behavior, believing this will keep him in the relationship. And he does his damndest to make sure she keeps believing this. ALL psychopaths are sexually abusive. Abuse IS an integral part of psychopathy. Fantastic and mind blowing sex that the survivor perceives, is not what the psychopath perceives. She is just one of many on his sexual pipeline.

This particular mode of deprivation to dependency and as the psychopath’s perceived sexual object, the victim begins to feel like the object she has become to him.Only when the relationship is over, does she recognize that the psychopath was incapable of intimacy at all. Ironically, when the survivor discovers a new victim in the psychopath’s life, it fuels her compulsive need for him. No where is this more prevalent then when the survivor obsesses about the psychopath and the new sexual relationship with another victim. Images flood her mind with visuals of the  psychopath’s sexual relationship with his new prey. Instantly, she ‘forgets’ about his deprivation, and instead the focus is on her beginning with the psychopath. The ultimate deprivation is permanent discard. The discard sets into motion removal of the drug from the survivor’s life. She is literally experiencing withdrawal from the relationship.

It’s during withdrawal that the survivor will feel the most intense pain, the most intense need for the psychopath. The perceptions of change within him, are not reality. As with all addictive process, we have to take time away from the drug of choice, before we can even begin to see the psychopath for what he clearly was and is.

Now, here’s where things get a little more difficult if you’re just out of your relationship.

You must be 100% committed to staying away from ALL of his social networks if and where possible. Even if you share children, finding a more distant way to communicate (through email/phone), is far better an option, then staring at his images of some pseudo happiness that he WANTS you to see, because there is POWER in knowing you are DEPRIVED by HIM. There is NO reason to ‘visit’ the profile of the new victim either. When I say no contact, that is exactly what I mean. There are survivors that write to me and share their pain and in the very next sentence are telling me that they’re seeing him ‘all over facebook with that bitch!”, of course this exacerbates pain and keeps the addiction to him in place. It also fuels his power over you!

Some psychopaths enjoy stalking previous victims, even when they have a new victim. This too is power inducing to him because he’s looking for a reaction. Psychopaths are often bored and there is nothing more fun for them than to create crisis for you. If the new relationship begins to go south before expected, the psychopath will go back to the previous victim for more power/ego boosts. Countless victims have found themselves taking the psychopath back, time and again, because they’ve not had the chance to ‘deprogram’ or to reach the point of passing the feeling of being deprived after he’s gone. For those of you who are new to this: THIS IS A MAJOR MISTAKE. I’ve yet to meet ONE victim who was not hurt ten times MORE the second time around. Again, psychopaths are addicted to power. That power PLAYS with lives. And he will play with yours. This time, now, you KNOW what will happen. You are not filling your feeling of deprivation if you take this individual back, you’re fueling it MORE. CHOOSE YOU! When you choose you and you learn to embrace you, you will NOT be deprived emotionally anymore.

You do have a choice as to whether or not you’re looking at facebook. If you want to heal, if you really WANT to heal, you MUST be willing to do whatever it takes to keep him/them out of your eye and earshot. This includes booting people from your friends list, where you KNOW someone will ‘tag’ him or that you’ll see a post of his or his new victim, show up on another friend’s post THIS IS YOUR CHOICE.

When you refuse to let go of his power OVER you, you’re engaging in self sabotage, not healing. Another very important thing to keep in mind, is that we have a tendency to project empathy onto those who do not have this ability. We projected our empathy on to our psychopath, much to our DEMISE. It is very difficult to realize that there are people in the world who really think this way, behave this way and are INNATELY character flawed and with a dangerous disorder to boot!

I’m not suggesting that this is in any way simple. Addiction is complicated. But you are able to do something that the psychopath can’t: EMPATHY. When he is gone and you’re engaging in ‘peeking’ you’re also picking up where the psychopath left off in your life: you’re initiating the deprivation cycle when you ‘peek’ at his social media. The psychopath’s relationship with the new victim, is a constant reminder in what you believe you’re being deprived of. . . something that never existed in the first place because there was no one there. THINK ‘porch light on = nobody home!

I understand that for many of you reading this blog for comfort right now, freshly out of the relationship, it feels as if you’re being deprived and you’re in terrible pain. But in reality, the deprivation is gone now and it’s deprivation that you want to STAY gone. All the cycles are now OVER. You are set free to heal. To give to yourself what the psychopath could not and will never be able to give.

Please stop peeking. Make this a commitment to you. It’s part of no contact. Stop depriving yourself of a life free from disorder and constant, unrelenting pain. It’s hard I know, but I believe in you.

Onward and upward

Posted in Uncategorized | 22 Comments

You Are Where You’re Suppose To Be

Love is the ability

Today I saw something on social media that bothered me, typed by someone who is on a healing journey.

And while I’ve been suffering from writer’s block now for quite some time, I was so overwhelmed by what was shared, I felt compelled to come here and write about it.

The ‘something’ I saw on social media was the following: “I am not stronger than you, just farther along the healing journey. Need some strength? Borrow mine”.

This felt narcissistic to me. I cannot say what the motive of the individual who shared this was, but comments like this are disturbing to me and I see it often in recovery circles. It feels to me, a reflection of ego, rather than an acceptance as to where survivors are in recovery. It implies that I am to ‘follow’ and not to ‘walk with’ this person on “Road Recovery”.

While there are some obvious milestones in recovery, particularly when a survivor first finds herself/himself on a path filled with obstacles and a mountain seemingly too difficult to climb.when the relationship first ends, there is an inevitable ‘leveling out’ of initial recovery symptoms and a progression to a path that looks a lot less rocky.

A path that leads to ourselves.

There are a lot of emotionally wounded souls on this path. Some wounds are more severe than others, but we all walk this path together, not above or below one another. I say this because I’ve learned a lot about attitudes I’ve had that have tested my own ego in my perceptions of my healing process and that of other survivors who are on this path too, particularly those that I once felt were ‘not as far along’ as I was in the process.

My current circumstances, while dire and excrutiatingly painful (hence, my writer’s block), have taught me much about my own faulty perspectives. It’s whittled away at my own ego, allowing insight that reminds me never to forget where I’ve been and where I am now and that each survivor is a valuable human being on the path with me.

I’m not ahead of you, nor am I behind. Instead I walk with you. . . wherever you are in recovery. I learn from every survivor’s process.

Each of us is exactly where are suppose to be right now in our own process.

How wonderful is that?

Onward and upward.

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Blog Update and Friendly Reminder

     I’m gearing up to remove myself from my self-imposed sabbatical after the death of my boy (dog) and to begin writing again.

I wanted to share my profound gratefulness and thanks to those who donated to help my boy in the last year, right up to his death and the added blessing of retaining his ashes. If you’re a pet lover, and your pet is considered a family member, then I don’t have to get into long diatribes about how the grieving process often evolves in the same way that it does for our human loved ones.

I’ve learned much from his presence, his passing and even so so since then, about unconditional love, myself and took my sabbatical time to introspect. Unexpected events (including a text message conversation with my psychopathic sperm donor), have occurred that I’ll be sharing here with you soon.

Insofar as the ‘friendly reminder': I’ve received several emails from survivors who post comments and then ask me to remove them for fear that their ex’s are tracking them. One of the things about psychopaths/narcissists and a relationships end, is that it tends to make us feel very paranoid, but this is even more so when stalking is a real concern. I’ve had a few stalkers appear on my blog, after their ex’s have posted but only when the survivor uses his/her real name. So please, when you comment, create a pseudonym and make certain that commenting is something you are completely comfortable with. While I honor every request to remove a comment, it does become somewhat irritating when there are many to remove.

If you do wish to comment, and you do choose to use a pseudonym, and yet are still uncertain but really do want to comment, keep in mind that unless you use real names to identify individuals, it is highly unlikely that your ex is going to be able to track you here, unless he/she has access to your computer. What I’ve noticed in many of the comments, is that the stories are strikingly similar, While you have a heightened vigilance and awareness after you’re out of the relationship, the rest of us here do not know who you are and our story is similar to others here who are experiencing the ending of their relationships. There are thousands of blogs and online groups dealing with psychopathy and narcissism, so the likelihood that your ex shows up here, is pretty remote.

This is not to say it can’t happen, but if you take steps to create a pseudonym and do not post personal identifying features or real names, you are likely to be safe here. The only thing that anyone sees here when you post is your name and no other identifying features. Many survivors have been able to post here safely when keeping in mind the above steps.

Now, time to move forward!

Onward and upward

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Love Is Not Pain, Pain Is Not Love

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I would like to ask for patience while writing during this time. I’m extremely grief stricken, yet coming to the blog and checking survivor email, ie: working, helps me a little bit. If my posts seems fragmented, I apologize. Please feel free to ask me to clarify if what I share feels confusing. I’d also like to ask for patience with grammar and spelling for the same reasons.

Having said that, I’m seeing a common theme about love and the Psychopath-Narcissist. As I have shared before, I do not align myself with any organized religion or any particular dogma. Any religious affiliation or none at all, is accepted here. I consider myself to be a very spiritual woman and I do believe in God as I perceive God to be. The following scripture is a beautiful description of what love is and means:

1 Corinthians 4-8:Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails.

A psychopath-Narcissist is incapable of any of those things. Lately, survivors have shared that they ‘still love’ their psychopaths. Even several years out, they persist with a definition of love for the predator, even while the predator continues to hurt them.

I would like to share some comforting, but firm words with you about what it means when we speak about love for the psychopath in this way: It ‘feels’ to us, like love. But there is not one thing. . . not one, that is love with the psychopath-narcissist.

Love encompasses everything in the above verse but so much more. It is not based on confusion, mind games, bait and switch, triangulation, cognitive dissonance, emotional, sexual or physical abuse. It does not cause us to continuously question and doubt ourselves. It does not bring overwhelming windfalls of grief and pain from an intentional and/or sadistic word or act that is meant to hurt. It is not a consistent, deliberate call to defend our humanity. It is not based upon what can only be given, but never received.

All of the above, is about the nature of the psychological landscape of the disordered one. This is not about love, this is about dependence and addiction.

So why does all of this, ‘feel’ like love to us? There are many reasons, but it goes back to the beginning of relationship with the psychopath-narcissist. Remember that these individuals are human predators. Because they lack empathy and they have no boundaries, they think, they do not feel. It is highly unlikely that you will understand this because you can feel and you can love. All you can really do is imagine what it’s like not to have empathy. And if you can ‘tweek’ your imagination of what it’s like to walk in pathological shoes, you will have a better and more realistic perspective about what love is and that this is exactly what the disordered one cannot do. It is an emotional handicap.

When you’re being targeted and because the predator cannot feel, he/she is able to reach down into your soul, and exploit all your secrets, all of what is meaningful and valuable to you, but most especially your vulnerabilities. Many survivors believe that they were strong, independent, ‘not needing a man’, own a house, a car, etc. Truthfully, all of those things, are extremely superficial and part of that is our ego talking. We live in a society that rewards ruthlessness and lack of empathy disguised as ‘individualism’. Our ‘worth’ is assessed according to our monetary projections, from how much is in our bank accounts, to what we do for a living, to what we ‘have’ that symbolizes our hard work, our overall ‘health’, to what we wear, our appearance, etc.

While those things are ‘nice’ and some even necessary, the psychopath narcissist can also have all of these things. In fact, this is what the psychopath focuses on the most and it’s this pride and ego in survivors about those very same things, that allow them to confuse the psychopath’s targeting and love bombing as genuine interest and love.

The psychopath easily exploits superficial and ego boosting values the survivor carries, making it far easier to make the victim feel ‘safe’ in revealing deeper things about themselves. Oftentimes, if there are trauma issues, emotional dependency issues and/or shame issues in the victims past, the victim with these issues, is more likely to reveal intimate details of themselves and their lives without the psychopath exerting too much energy in calculating which vulnerability to exploit first. The victim becomes an open book and projects what their perceptions of what love is, as well as empathy, on to the psychopath.

We all wear a public mask. None of the superficial masks we wear, mean a thing when it comes to the intimate nature of our relationships. The dynamics in the relationship are what is paramount, and the mask worn by both victim and psychopath in the beginning, fade more into a picture of reality as the relationship moves with time. It can take awhile to see. Even longer if the victim is emotionally and sexually dependent upon the psychopath.

For a long time, I was adamant that what I felt for the psychopath was love. To a degree, this was very true, because what I knew love to be, was abuse, emotional dependence and sex as love, therefore, my feelings of ‘love’ for my psychopath were not based in any reality as to what love really means and is but because I knew nothing else, I was insistent upon these feelings as true of love for him.

What happens when survivors proclaim to still love their psychopaths, even when they’re logically clear about what the psychopaths is and does, is that it creates a lot of confusion for them when the disordered one comes up in thought or in trigger and flashbacks. “Why do I still ‘love’ someone who was brutal to me?” Well, on the face of it, it would be confusing unless we are clear about our own issues. Because years out, it’s not about the psychopath anymore, nor is it about any ‘love’ that we believe might still be there. It’s about us and a reflection of our issues still at work.

It is the remnants of emotional and sexual dependence in us that the psychopath exploits during the relationship. It is a ‘craving’ for our ‘addiction’ to the disordered one that he leaves us with when the relationship is over. When we understand the conscious and subconscious desire to cling in emotional dependence, or the addictive pull of the cycles of abuse, love suddenly doesn’t look like the psychopath anymore. It looks as dysfunctional and sick as it really was and is. 

With the loss of my boy, love has clarity for me. I’ve had flashbacks and very debilitating triggers since my boy’s passing yesterday, of the psychopath. It ‘feels’ like love because he was there when I got my boy as a puppy. I began to realize that my boy was also symbolic to me, of the last ‘psychic cord’ left connecting me to the psychopath. My boy’s death is the loss of stability and unconditional love for me. Our connection was born of trauma. I believe he was sent to me, as a gift of comfort and all along, a companion for my soul, and a true representation of love. The psychopath was none of those things.

When I realized that what felt like love for the psychopath to me, was really my emotional dependence, trauma and shame issues at play, it was easier to put ‘but I still love him’ into the appropriate context. No, I don’t ‘still love him’ and in the real sense of what love is, real, genuine and authentic love was never possible.

Part of the reason that psychopaths can continue to get reactions out of the survivor is because of this false perception about what love really is and the survivor’s addiction/dependence upon the psychopath for validation. If the survivor is still emotionally dependent upon the psychopath, he/she makes it their job to create more pain.

Which leads me to my next point. LOVE IS NOT PAIN.

In a world full of romanticism and glorification of soap opera type qualities of books and movies, as a culture and society, we’ve learned to associate pain with love. Even sexual abuse, coercion disguised as romantic luring, arguments between two lovers portrayed in movies, oftentimes brutal in their depiction is ‘fixed’ at the end with sex. These underlying messages are very powerful, but they are far from reality.

If you love someone who is hurting you and you continue to engage or react, or to feel some sort of ‘love’ for this person, you can be almost 100% positive that what is going on, is not love.

Recognizing the proclamations of  “but I still love him and I don’t know why because he hurts me!” is critically important to discerning the difference between what is love and what is dependence. People who love you or who can love and empathize do not intentionally hurt you. This is completely contradictory to what love is. We can be addicted and dependent upon the psychopath, but this is not love, not in any way shape or form.

When we believe, without doubt that we ‘love’ this person causing us pain, there are other things going on that we need to look at aside from the generality in terms regarding ‘dependence’ and what that means too. If we have a trauma and abuse filled past, the pain the psychopath causes and where we still feel ‘love’ is not love at all, but familiarity. Pain can be addictive too and there is nothing that causes more pain than a psychopath-Narcissist.

The most important question that will unlock your personal pandora’s box in recovery is ‘Why do I love someone who wants and needs to hurt me?’

We can love people who hurt us, our parents and children, not just romantic partners, who are also pathological. But as we begin to get healthy, and we are examining our own issues and working to purge them, we’ll begin to develop boundaries. We’ll begin to employ measures of distancing to keep us emotionally safe. We can learn to love from a distance because we know love is not pain, it is not hate, it is not the sadistic acts of the pathological, no matter what role they play in our lives.

When we learn to love ourselves, when we begin to learn what love means and we have clarity with this, the love you think you have for the psychopath will have an entirely different perspective.

If we’re healthy, we do not want to be around people who want to hurt us. Hurt no longer feels familiar or even good to us, it feels repulsive and toxic to us.

If you question where you are in your own recovery, examine love a little bit. What does it look like for you? Does it really look like the actions, behaviors and toxicity of a psychopath or narcissist?

I’m believing that you know the answer to that.

Onward and Upward!

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Pets As A “Treatment” Option For Trauma Survivors

     I feel I can barely breathe. My heart is aching so much. It’s only been a few, but what feels like very long hours, and I can’t bear to think of going to bed tonight and not feeling the warmth of my very best friend.

I shared on my private Face book page about the loss of my boy and the pain that comes with it. A friend of mine, also a survivor of a psychopath, who became my friend during the early days of the loss of the relationship, shared privately with me, the meaning of her now deceased loved one, whom she believed was sent to help her weather the storm of the aftermath of her pathological relationship..

That hit me especially hard. My boy was given to my daughter, while I was still in the midst with the psychopath. I too, sense her meaning about my boy sent to me to help me weather the storms of trauma. This is why this loss feels especially traumatic and difficult. My boy and I had a special connection through trauma. He was there when everyone else was gone. I remember many nights of crying and even though it made my boy anxious, he knew to stay right there with me. A calming force through trauma.

He taught me what unconditional love really means and was a glaring symbolism to me in how empathy is lost in the human world. Part of me is in so much unbearable pain, wishing my daughter never brought him home, wishing I had never fallen in love with such a helpless, little puppy when he came to us and would soon be sick and later paralyzed, nursing him back to health. I understand that during times of potential loss of him, I would have begged for money on a street corner if it would have kept him alive with all the vet bills we have had over the years that in total are in the many thousands. It’s easy to do as vets are far from inexpensive.

This last year has been nearly unbearable to me for many reasons, not just my situation alone. I did everything within my power to keep him healthy, to give more and more love. It was a selfish bid to keep him with me just a bit longer. Terrified of losing him. He carried all my trauma. I can’t tell those who have helped me this last year, thank you enough, for allowing me just one more year, one more month, week and day with him. And today, one more hour.

Right now, in a selfish fit of grief, I want to say that I never, ever want to love anyone that much again, but it was my love for him and his love for me that saved me from suicide, from believing that there was no care or empathy left in the world.

I feel the physical separation of his loss, but am trusting that it was time for God to take him home. I visualize him without pain, the boy I knew and loved, chasing his tennis ball and sucking his stuffed toy pacifiers, sunbathing in a forever sunshine.

Admittedly, I use to think it somewhat morbid to want to keep a pet’s ashes. Now I get why. And if that can’t happen for me, we are forever tied in spirit on a very real soul level that will never be broken. We are merely separated in the physical form, but it’s only temporary, for I know that I will see him again someday and I can’t wait for him to meet me when I get to the Rainbow bridge and call his name to come and play, to feel his warmth and big, sloppy kisses.

I understand exactly what my friend was sharing with me. And now that he is gone, his meaning in my life is filled with clarity, which makes his passing so much more unbearable. He was the ultimate in therapy for me. No anti depressant, no cognitive behavioral therapy could give me what he has.

It is so hard. . . so hard when they are gone. But I would highly recommend a pet, if it is feasible, as another treatment option for those with Post Traumatic Stress and Depression.

Onward and Upward

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Psychopaths and Narcissist-Trivialities Amidst Loss

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After I wrote my post this morning, my boy woke up and, as usual, it was time for his potty first, before breakfast.

He was moving slow and was in pain. I let him outside, and while he was able to poop a little bit, he was clearly unable to complete the mission.

He was very anxious and crying in pain intermittently. I had an appointment for him this afternoon to have an exam to figure out what was wrong. I called to see if I could take him in earlier, because I could not bear to see his suffering.

If it were not for the few donations I have received on his behalf,  I do not know what I would have done. After further and extensive exam, he was found to have lymphoma. The vet said that this time, there was nothing that could be done for him. I knew in my heart, that this was to come. I signed the euthanasia form and found it difficult to see through my tears.

They took him into the back room, and put a catheter in his vein. I could hear his cries from the room they had put me in. I cannot describe how devastating it was to hear. They brought him to me and I hugged and kissed him. I told him  how much I loved him. And then I gave him back to the tech, as I could not bear to prolong his suffering.

I brought home his blanket. It smells like him. I sit here in the chair, and he is not here. I don’t know how I will navigate my life without him in it. His loss leaves a gaping hole in my heart, beyond what I can bear.

I did not have enough to complete the euthanizing, but they had mercy on me and my boy. I have one day to make up the rest. To complete the procedure I am $30.00 short. This does not include his cremation and ashes, for which I would like to have, totaling $143.00. If you can help with this, please see the paypal donation page. For reasons of survivor privacy, I will not use GoFundMe any longer.

Having to share that makes me sick inside. It’s the last thing I want to share or to talk about. My heart is bleeding, I don’t know how to go on without him. For some, all of this seems so trivial, but for me and my boy, it is separation for a time. I hope he’s in heaven, playing with other boys and girls across the Rainbow bridge.

Every fiber of my being is in pain. I’m holding his blanket and toys, and I deeply miss his warmth.

Somehow psychopaths and narcissists seem so trivial to me. While I know it’s not, the one link to normality and stability, for me is gone.

I wish I could convey to you, how much this hurts.

I’m going to be taking a few days away, to find a way to settle my debt, try to get his ashes and to grieve.

The world feels so suddenly cold and lonely without him.

I love you so much, Hercules. You brought me immense joy and comfort. Rest well, my dear boy. I hope most dearly, that you are at peace.

I ask for your prayers while I grieve my boy’s loss.

Thank you so very much for caring about him.
**Donations to my pay pal account are for the following email address that is mine. Kelli.hernandez46@gmail.com. You can go to the paypal website and it will prompt you in how to send to my account. Some survivors were confused as to whether the donation site address was the one on the blog or not. No, this is my primary address and is the one used for any transactions using Pay Pal. Thank you for considering a donation to pay off his euthanasia bill and to go toward cremation and retaining his ashes thereafter.

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Why Does The Narcissist Engage In A Smear Campaign?

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     Great meme when referring to the disordered.

As I’ve shared before, I can see Google search terms, but no identifying information as to whom was searching, their ISP or anything like that. I just see questions like the above, without even a question mark on the search terms that lead others to the Blog.

I have been advised not to share anything more about my own current situation and so while that is being taken care of, I will term these experiences on a general level, combining what I do know about this.

As a matter of caution to survivors in the future, in case you ever run into another disordered one in your life, here’s what I would advise: RUN YOUR ASS OFF IN THE OTHER DIRECTION, IMMEDIATELY. The smear campaign is why. Psychopaths and Narcissists present a ‘mask’ to you in the beginning, no matter what the relationship is. They will hone in on your vulnerabilities and play on them. What we fail to recognize and that gets us into a WHOLE lot of trouble LATER is that everything we say or have done, will be used by the psychopath-Narcissist to smear you. One more minute spent with them, one more minute in reaction to them, gives them more ‘ammo’ to use against you, to say you are crazy and accuse you of all kinds of things that you’re not doing or to distort and make a mountain out of a molehill, anything you might have done.

The smear campaign frightens people because the psychopath narcissist does NOT care about how your deepest secrets are megaphoned to the world. There are some psychopaths narcissists who will exploit a survivor’s sexuality to others. This and a few other selected subjects will be the bone toss they need to suck the minion into their stories.

Unless this has happened to you, you have no idea how painful it truly is. If you have learned anything here, especially from someone who should have known better, it’s that you never, ever reveal too much, too soon. The disordered one wants to get you into the relationship and dependent as soon as possible, no matter what tool the psychopath narcissist uses to make that happen. But believe it or not, your own best weapon is to walk away and ignore it, or to use other means to make it stop. Pathological people do not know what ‘stop’ means, so your efforts to get them to stop harassing, gossiping and lying about you, may require legal action against them and this can be done.

Also, never think that what you know about them, can’t also be used against them, should they not stop once you have asked that it stop. Psychopaths and narcissists do not stop to think about how their own skeletons may come back to haunt. They are so focused on their own rage, lack of control over your life or the circumstances, that they tend to ‘forget’ that there are things that can be ‘shared’ about them if the behavior is not stopped. This is especially so when you have facts to back it up and many of us DO but are so sideswiped we don’t think about it and here is another difference. Psychopaths and narcissists don’t FEEL, they THINK. While it seems to be a ‘plus’ for them, it can also be to their own detriment. Not every psychopath narcissist ‘gets away’ with every single injustice. Their lack of empathy causes them to stumble around their own shit.

The problem with survivors is that we are so busy being hurt, we tend to be tardy in reacting or we react to the abuser. Smear campaigns are abuse and are a definite reflection of an abuser’s tactics. Either gender is capable of this, however women do seem to be worse in some ways than men.

Okay, so here are the following reasons why psychopaths and narcissists engage in smear campaigns

1. Envy- Pathological people experience a level of envy toward their targets that is lethal. Whatever the psychopath narcissist  sees in you that he/she knows they cannot be, want to be, or with something that he/she views that you have ‘won’ in some way, envy can appear as rage in the smear campaign. Sometimes this envy is obvious and sometimes it is not obvious. But when it is, the pathological in your life will leave you no doubt as to what that envy might be.

3. Exposure- You called them out, figured out what was wrong. You either discovered them cheating, telling a huge lie (or as usual, MANY lies) gossiping, watching porn, saw their facebook phone or other mode of communication that could reveal more of who they really are. The moment  a psychopath narcissist is exposed, is the most dangerous time in the relationship or just after. Sometimes leaving is what starts it, but it is often before the relationship ends and often before you even know about it. When a psychopath or narcissist senses that you’re catching on to a lie, cheating, stealing, etc, they will pretend to know nothing, while they plant the seeds of the smear campaign before you’re aware of them already on the trail! 

Survivors can often feel when the smear campaign has begun through the actions of others around the psychopath narcissist. They begin to ignore you, facial expressions are telling, body language. They avoid you. They may even whisper behind your back or engage in the behavior with the psychopath-narcissist. This is particularly true with the psychopaths-narcissist family members. Often the disordered one is manipulating them and giving the family member whatever they want. No matter what it is. |

This is very important to understand.

The psychopath narcissist often manipulates and exploits family members in a way that makes those around them ‘loyal’ to them. Those ‘loyal’ to them may even know what the psychopath narcissist is doing, but you cannot count on their support because while they are involved with the disordered one, you can be sure that the psychopath narcissists are enabling and manipulating those around them. In my case with family, it was money. It may be something else in the family systems of others. I know it is very hard to accept when you’re the target of this behavior, and while his/her family members might once have really liked or loved you, they are stuck in a symbiosis with the disordered one that produces their loyalty. It really does NOT have anything to do with you.

Another important thing to remember about the disordered one who has been exposed, but is exploiting and manipulating those closest to them: These people are, quite literally, unable to be alone. Often the dysfunction they create in symbiosis with family members serves two purposes: the keep the family members close to help support their smear campaign after exposure, but more importantly, to prevent abandonment. Narcissists fear abandonment and rejection more than psychopaths do. Their reactions to perceived abandonment are out of proportion to whatever reality is present. Because their behaviors are nearly intolerable and it’s all about them, the family member needs to be offered something overwhelmingly enticing by the disordered one, to stick around. Believe it or not, this is not difficult to do. But whatever the case may be, just know with all of your heart, that it has nothing whatsoever, to do with you.

3. Discard- The psychopath narcissist no longer considers you to be of ‘utility’ to them and so like an old, worn out mattress, you are discarded from the disordered one’s life. The disordered one does NOT like to be called out for having hurt someone else. What is involved here and of paramount importance is IMAGE. This is true for BOTH the psychopath and the narcissist. Psychopaths who have less tendency to care, are those who are a bit lower on the narcissism scale. But if you have had a narcissist psychopath in your life who is obsessed with themselves and their image, you are likely to endure an insidious and very hurtful smear campaign. What is so confusing for survivors in this situation is that the psychopath narcissist, dumped them, so why is he/she doing this? Image, that’s why

Narcissists and psychopaths also will not and do not take responsibility for the pain they have caused. You will never see an apology You will never see one shred of remorse, guilt or regret. For everything that the disordered one does, when obsessed with image, it is always, ALWAYS ABOUT THEM. Blaming you, after the discard, is guaranteed to make you feel crazy inside. It is guaranteed to have you reacting. These survivors are most caught off guard. Not only are they wondering why the narcissist psychopath is gone, but they are left with a total disbelief and lack of understanding about what the narcissist/psychopath is blaming them about. The smear campaign in these situations, involve a level of cruelty the survivor is not prepared to deal with. The disordered one has already sideswiped the survivor so much, he/she has no idea what to do or how to defend himself/herself. The psychopath/narcissist in these cases are relentless, as well as ruthless. Once it starts, and because of the emotional pain and devastation of the survivor , it is very difficult to get back their footing.

When these situations involve children, they are the most disturbing, because they psychopath narcissist will utilize their children as weapons and pawns in the game. As it is with adult family members loyal to the narcissist, so it is with the children. They are highly exploitable and malleable. They can offer the child so enticing, like the adult child, that seeing reality about the pathological parent is readily missed. It may take years, if not ever, for the child to see through the parent. There is always hope if the parent discarded is not pathological too because he/she can set an example what it is to love, to care and have compassion for others. Psychopaths and narcissists are very sick people and children are the most susceptible to their parent’s manipulation, enabling and distortions. It’s hard to know what to say to a survivor who is experiencing such cruelty. Therapy is highly encouraged in situations like this.

4. Blame- I think I just mentioned this but psychopaths narcissists do not take blame for anything. Ever. It will simply never happen and if they ever do, it’s because they want to manipulate you or suck you back in for a devious reason only known to them. DON’T TAKE THE BAIT. Remember that whatever ‘bait’ the disordered one uses is a key to your empathic heart, to exploit more from you. Psychopaths and narcissists, I believe, enjoy the pain and reaction of other people and to do so, to engage is to add fuel to their fire. Another valuable lesson I continue to learn in my own life.

These are the main reasons psychopaths narcissists engage in the smear campaign. Have you experienced this? Does any of this ring familiar and true for you?

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The Greatest Love Of All

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     What a nice balance in this meme. . .

I’m just writing for the sake of writing today and also with a heavy heart. It’s a day where I’m overwhelmed with sadness.

At the same time, I’m sick to death of pathological people and the drama that comes with them. It seems so distorted with the rest of my life right now. But nothing in the world hurts more than what is becoming clear when it comes to my boy (dog).

He’s a dachshund, nearly ten now. He is my world. I’ve always wanted to be his. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. Not one thing. My heart is aching so much, it’s hard to function without tears and I try not to think about it, but just giving him all the love I can right now.

I went to my granddaughter’s birthday party this afternoon, as she has just turned 2. My son is out of town until the end of this week, so no one is home with my boy when I’ve stepped out for brief periods of time. He hates kennels and with my back problems, he is also very heavy now (a bit overweight since his surgery last year), so I don’t take him with me everywhere like I use too. I don’t feel comfortable leaving him at all, but worse when I’m gone longer than 15 minutes.

The pizza parlor where my granddaughter’s birthday party was held today, is right next door to the vet clinic I’ve taken him to for the last seven years. I stopped in there today to make an appointment for him as he continues to spiral and is becoming more confused.
I spoke with one of the vet techs that has been there as long as I’ve been taking him there. Her son’s went to school with mine and we chatted for a bit before I shared what was going on.

While I was convinced it was his hearing, and while sharing with the vet tech what his symptoms were, her facial expressions changed as I described his symptoms from a look of familiarity in what was going on with his hearing, to a look of concern. She said, “Honey, that doesn’t sound like hearing issues, that sounds like dementia issues and he’s close to ten now, so….”

And I knew immediately that this felt right. He has been displaying a lot of anxiety and confusion. He’s blind, but he forgets where he is in the house now. When I’m upset, he will go hide under my son’s bed. But he’s doing it a lot now when I’m not.  I’ve caught him with his butt hanging out from under the bed, just lying there. I coax him to come out and he won’t come to me. I look under the bed and he is looking so lost. .

Last night, I went to take him out for his potty before bed. He got very confused and headed to the wall, to the right of the door, using his nose to nudge as he would as if he were really at the door waiting. His confusion is such now that I have to watch him outside so he doesn’t hurt himself, as he tends to run into the fence, the old Christmas tree we have on the side of the fence, or bonks his body or head on my cast iron bench. He often sniffs outside in circles. When he panics, I have to comfort him and reassure him that I’m there and that everything is okay.

He’s tried to eat things off the floor, that normally he would never touch. Like he thinks it’s dog food.  I caught him the other day, with a fallen button off a sweater of mine, in his mouth. My home is clean, but now I keep it vacuumed everyday, even if there is nothing there, I’m terrified that if I drop something or my son does, he will put it in his mouth. He has turned into a curious toddler, much like when he was a pup.

I know he is old now. I know he is a “Senior’ doggie. And I know his time is getting closer.. I feel this and sense it with my entire being. I try not to think of this, because my world feels as if its falling apart and he is the piece that prevents the whole thing from fraying completely. My life, my home, all of it feels empty just thinking about his absence. It’s as if when he passes, all of my most intimate secrets go with him. A trusted and best friend, who never exploited, never told a soul, loved my children, endured trauma, moves and happy times with us. He was there when the psychopath was still in my life, through every rip in my heart the psychopath clawed within, through every tear, or PTSD reaction, my boy was right there, always.

When he was paralyzed, when he was sick, we were all there for him. It’s a two way street for us. A mutual and never ending unconditional love.

I do not know what I will do without him. He is so human to me. I’m quickly trying to find meaning, a replacement in my mind to endure the trauma of his loss. Logically I know, emotionally, I don’t and can’t.

It’s a rainy day today. And as we have so many days before, sitting on the heating pad together, both with osteoarthritis and degenerative disc, a little sore on the days that are wet and cold, we go through it together. I do not want this chair when he is gone. It’s not the same without him next to me in it. I feel he is an advocate for my writing, a silent encouragement, a staunch supporter.. .

I do not know how to endure this pain. Everything is in flux. He makes life so much easier to bear.

He is the epitome of balance in do no harm, but take no shit. He would defend us with any potential intruder, but then go home with them in 30 minutes. In truth, the meme represents what I feel about the pathological bullshit I’ve put up with lately.

I’d just ask for prayers now, for my boy. Whatever may be,or is to be, I want peace most for him. I love him more than words could ever say and my heart aches for him in his confusion and deterioration. I do not want him to suffer in any way.

Onward and Upward..

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