“Why Did He Choose Her and not ME?”- The Psychopath’s Discard and the New Victim

     There is an extremely painful reality with most survivors of psychopathic or narcissistic abuse that seems to be a huge sticking point in early recovery:  The psychopath’s ability to move on as if she never existed and take up with someone new. This is universal. And because it is, it has been written about countless times by others, but in addressing a survivor’s angst about it, it is often met with, “Don’t focus on what he’s doing” or “It’s time to move on.” These pat answers do not validate a survivor’s ‘why’ questions, nor help to alleviate even a little bit of pain from relationship with an individual that represents what extremes really are when it comes to abuse.

Most of the blog posts, articles and books I’ve read about this in trying to find answers and solace for myself when I dealt with my ex psychopath luring and capturing his new victim awhile back (and all the victims in between), address the issue of the reality of his moving on so fast and why. The reasons for this are outlined with regards to his propensity for boredom, thrill seeking behavior and novelty, his tendency to idealize, while his targeting is very specific to what he wants out of the potential victim, be it money, sex, an image prop, or simply to exploit in an effort to achieve ‘power over’.

Outlining the characteristics of these men (and women too)  is helpful in understanding why he did this, yet it does little to ease a survivor’s pain. Many survivors seek validation about their judgment in having ended the relationship, whether or not they did the right thing, or if they were right about him.

If they were dumped, they want to know what they did that was so wrong that he could have left and taken up with someone else so fast, when chances are he was doing this before he left and just found a new victim that will give him what he wants. Remember, psychopaths needs and wants change all the time.

There is not a victim on the planet capable of fulfilling the psychopath’s insatiable needs and addiction to power and control. As fast as he appears to attach to the new victim, is as fast as he can detach from her, or anything else he wanted or needed at one time or another, from his previous victims.

What you, the survivor, really want to hear is that he’s an asshole and that the relationship he has now won’t work. You want to hear that you weren’t  ‘wrong’ about him and that’s he’s not changed in another relationship, although he will give every indication possible that this is what he’s done.

The articles and blogs I’ve read, encourage a survivor to hurriedly move on from obsessing about their pain and why he is now with someone else. My approach to that is a little different. It’s very difficult to move on from the relationship when you need understanding about the psychopath/narcissist and validation with that understanding. So I will attempt to piece meal this a little bit in hope that it helps you to understand that the chances of his relationship working out with the next victim are ZERO.

Now I’ll explain why.

Psychopaths have no empathy. Yes, I know, you wanted to believe he loved you. You wanted to believe what he said was true. You wanted to believe that no one on earth could possibly be so deceptive and such a lying piece of shit! I know! But guess what? He is. And he can lie, deceive and manipulate without blinking an eye. The psychopath can do this because they think, they do not feel.

It’s very disconcerting and frightening to watch a psychopath target another victim. I had opportunity to see this with my ex, when he was doing his online dating near the end of the relationship with me. The mask slipping, he did not hide his predatory behavior from me once I knew, but he didn’t know how closely I was observing, while suspecting and researching his potential disorder.

He assessed each target according to his needs. Women are often so upset when they see the new victim. The survivor obsesses on the new victim’s ‘appearance’ and who she is and his appearances and images of bliss from his social networks. In a culture that is somewhat narcissistic and superficial, image is everything, right?  Wrong. What images were projected when he was with you? Looking in back at the WHOLE of the relationship, was that image accurate? Or did it serve the psychopath’s exploitative and manipulative purposes at the time?

What astounded me in my observance of my ex’s predatory dating habits was that it didn’t really matter what the potential new victim looked like. The new target’s appearance was merely secondary to fulfilling his needs. He had moved through an earlier time in his life where he needed a woman as a beautiful, thin, wife and mother prop, such as the first and second wives were for him, and instead was moving closer to the ‘retirement’ phase of his life, requiring an entirely new set of ‘needs’ to be met by his potential targets. He was attempting to date lonely women with money. His bank account and the desire to live comfortably in retirement, needing someone to help pay off his massive debts from borrowed money and child support/half his 401k to his wife, said it was time for a change!

I noticed that the majority of the women  he was targeting, exploiting and manipulating, were vulnerable. All were successful in some way, but much older, overweight, divorced, single a long time, widowed. None were “attractive” in the sense of what he had chosen before. This, in his mind, would guarantee a new victim’s emotional dependence upon him because her very vulnerabilities were linked to her low self worth, her appearance, or her mounting loneliness, no matter how ‘successful’ she was monetarily. Many a survivor believes that her monetary success should somehow prevent such targeting from a predator. Some survivors believe that they were ‘happily single’ and ‘just a little lonely’ when the psychopath showed up. But these vulnerabilities are NOT superficial and grow over time to be enormously subconscious. A dull ‘ache’ in the psyche is bait for the psychopathic predator.

As my ex-psychopath sifted through potential victims, he studied each one intently, assessing her for her use value. He studied her vulnerabilities, the things she liked and disliked. He researched her on the internet through Google searches to find out more about her. He found out through facebook what she liked to eat, drink, and who her friends and family were.

It did not take him long to shift into low gear and strategize in luring two potential victims. One of them was an old high school friend that was now somewhat wealthy and owned her own business. She was the ultimate catch in his mind, but she was far too healthy and caught on to his games. She wouldn’t have anything to do with him. Six weeks prior to asking the current victim (now wife) to marry him, he made one last attempt to ‘date’ the target with the most financial value. She rejected him. So he went in for the kill with victim three. My ex never considered taking a breather to ‘work on himself’ between his divorce, his continued relationship with me and its ending, and his fast paced luring of victim three into marriage after eleven months of dating. But you see, this is what psychopaths do…

Healthy men and women do not want to get married at the speed of light! Psychopaths and Narcissists are consistent ‘boundary pushers’. The love bombing is the height of abuse in the relationship and requires an excessive amount of energy on the part of the psychopath to exploit and manipulate, to cultivate a victim’s future emotional dependence and addiction to him.

So think about this for a minute:  This is how your ex probably targeted you. It was once surprising to me, while hearing many survivor stories, how the survivor so easily forgets the love bombing, manipulation and exploitation of her and does not recognize this behavior with the new victim.

Part of this inability to recognize what I term as ‘new victim’ envy, is that the survivor, this time, is observing the psychopath’s love bombing and it harkens the survivor back to a time when he was so seemingly engaged and ‘into’ her, when the psychopath, in reality, never really was ‘into her’ in the truest and meaningful sense.

The psychopath would never have a victim if abuse were introduced from the beginning in a way that pushes the potential victim away, even though exploitation and manipulation IS abuse. The psychopath is investing all of his energies into the new victim, not only to get his needs met, and to win the victim’s addiction to him, but once the victim is dependent, the psychopath begins the cycle of deprivation all throughout the relationship to come. It is the survivor’s ultimate deprivation through the loss of the psychopath, the withdrawal of addiction to the psychopath, that the survivor is experiencing as she observes the psychopath with the new victim.

The new ‘relationship’ the survivor observes with the new victim appears to be vastly different, as if the psychopath has changed. In a way, this is true, as some things that occurred with the survivor will not be the same in the new ‘relationship’, because the new victim is a different person with different unhealthy boundaries and vulnerabilities.

The psychopath’s projected images of happiness that you see, or rather ‘their’ happiness, are just that! But in reality, the luring and honeymoon phase of the relationship are manifestations of the disordered one’s psychopathy and narcissism.

It’s critical to remember that psychopaths will ‘morph’ into and mirror their new victims. Her interests and passions in life will not be like yours, therefore it makes sense that he will appear to be ‘different” and in a way he is, because he is now pretending to be her perfect partner. What you are seeing, quite literally, is that he has become an extension of her. He is now a reflection of her interests and who she is because he cannot do this for himself. Psychopaths are chameleons, empty to the core. They are different personalities for each individual they come into contact with.

A personal example of this with my last psychopath and one of his targets (while being involved with and just before marrying the new victim), who liked eating at exotic restaurants, so he studied up on it a bit and was prepared to dine on exotic foods to which he would never eat again when she rejected him. His need to present a persona with her was over. Never once, in ten years, did I see this man eat kangaroo! My ex abandoned this spontaneous ‘obsession’ with the exotic likes of his potential target when he knew she was not taking the bait. He did, however utilized some tactics he used with her and applied it vigorously to the new victim. Much like a snake shedding its skin, the psychopath leaves most of his former, yet newly created persona behind, without ever looking back, if the new target is not interested.

My ex is also a worship leader in his new church, so image is very important to him, appearing to be a ‘good’ Christian man. His circles have dwindled a bit since the last church that he attended with his ex-wife, but nevertheless, he was calculating in that the new victim was clueless about his past behavior and was not from his immediate area. This made it easier for him to create a new persona and to distance from those in his community who knew of his deviant behavior and take up with those that support his charade. He was able to compartmentalize and isolate the new victim from those who knew of his past. But there are those around him, his children included, that know of his behavior and past, yet work with him to hide it under the guise of the ‘redeemed’. The psychopath counts on these supportive individuals to keep his facade and image going and the new victim blinded to his former life.

His targeting is really quite predictable as are the consequences. The reality is that a psychopath will never be short on victims. There are many, many vulnerable victims in the world, a lot of unhealthy people. If this doesn’t work out for my ex, he will simply move onto the next victim.

Now, what about the new victim that stays? Well, how long did you stay? Why did you stay? We can’t assume she is staying for the same reasons and it doesn’t mean that he’s not abusive anymore. It means that she’s willing to buy into all of his bullshit, while he pushes the boundaries very slowly in an effort to gain more control in her life under the guise of a protective and powerful love. Just like he did with you. 

It’s the depth of emotional dependence and of vulnerabilities that were exploited in the victim, that determines how long she stays, as well as the psychopaths ability to prolong the honeymoon period, further cultivating that dependency. Some victims are much more emotionally dependent than others. The very deeply imbedded vulnerabilities the victim has, without empathy, the psychopath reaches in and pulls out, even while she may believe she has none at all.

During luring, psychopaths easily assess the potential ‘longevity’ of their targets willingness to stay, based upon their histories and vulnerabilities, her belief systems and his ability to push her boundaries. The healthier she is, the least likely she will stay long and will catch on to the psychopaths oddities, behaviors, lies, intentions and deceptiveness, covered up right now in all that Mr. Wonderful.

A man of good character, someone of healthy mind, has no need to exploit and manipulate women. The men I have in my life now, who are friends of mine, find my ex-psychopath to be and what he did to me, unfathomable and repulsive to them.
Healthy minded men, will also recognize that they need to take time from a long marriage or relationship to grieve, with self reflection and time out for themselves to be alone for awhile. Regardless of what myths befall men in our society, there are men who do this. There are men who ask themselves, “What happened?” and “What changes do I need to make and what do I need to learn from this?” How do I know this? Because many of them are survivors too.

People who are healthy do not run from relationship to relationship, hiding from themselves, or chasing a utopia that does not exist, yet are fantasies that lie in what our culture and society defines as romantic and erotic love. The manifestation of true love and happiness. As most survivors learn to understand, once the relationship ends, is that this ‘fantasy’ is not remotely real.

Healthy men do not degrade, humiliate, use, lie, rewrite history, omit parts of their histories with new partners, hide behind their mask of narcissistic religiosity and/or monetary success. They have remorse, they have guilt, they do not talk about their ex’s in degrading, humiliating ways. Not even in subtly. Healthy men do not need to control, rush the relationship, love bomb, suffocate, manipulate their children or other minion (supporters), to keep their secrets.

They do not need to mirror the likes and dislikes of their victims because they will have their own likes and dislikes that differ in degree from their partner. Healthy men will not triangulate others with the new victim, whether he uses the ex-wife, her children, his children or the family dog, Healthy men do not do this.

Healthy men are not habitually unfaithful and live double lives, but all psychopaths do. If a healthy man does ‘cheat’, they make amends immediately and work on themselves and their relationships to change it. A psychopath never will. A healthy man does not sabotage, create drama, have child like temper tantrums, rage out of control, laugh at your pain. They do not provoke arguments, do not twist words, do not blame shift or project blame onto you or others. They do not spend time talking about how awful so and so is and what was done to them. They do not purposely and sadistically provoke reactions out of you,  just to watch you writhe.

A healthy relationship does not cause confusion and chaos. It does not create cognitive dissonance, it does not repeat painful behaviors meant to harm.

Healthy minded men do not tell you that  you are their ‘soul mate’. They do not assume intimacy and love within the first few weeks or even several months. They do not move in with, or marry you within months in order to access your bank account to help pay off their debt. Have I listed enough?

The only thing that a psychopath or narcissist changes is his persona and his victims. Nothing more.

At the beginning of the relationship, during the honeymoon phase, the psychopath is very suffocating in his apparent ‘neediness’ of his target. He makes her to believe that he is protective and ‘jealous’ of anyone who dares to get near her. This appearance of ‘need’ and spending so much ‘smothering’ time with the new victim is about control. It is about power. This is a very critical piece that survivors need to remember when they think  he’s ‘happier’ with her. The only time a psychopath is ‘happy’ is when he’s got what he wants and only for awhile because eventually, without empathy or conscience, his boredom once again becomes an issue and it’s not long before he’s on the prowl, even while he is with the new victim.

I’ve yet to meet one survivor whose ex did not cheat, whether she knew about it during the relationship or after. Some psychopaths are cheating from the very beginning, setting up their triangulations before hooking the main target permanently, like my ex-psychopath was. This assures his ability to remain completely uncommitted in the marriage or in a co-habitation situation. Psychopaths also love triangulations and pitting women against one another, while they adore and worship him, is one of their favorite games.

Many a survivor has shared with me that while their ex’s are hooking up, or are hooked up with the new victim, that he attempts to ‘come back’ to her, or that he’s sleeping with someone else she knows and the new victim is not aware of this, yet the survivor sharing this oft repeated story, can’t understand why he seems so happy with ‘her’? Do you see the obvious contradiction in this? How ‘happy’ is he, when he’s trying to bait you, and/or sleeping with someone else? Flirting with someone else? Our deprivation, brainwashing and exploitation by the psychopath, makes the reasons he has ‘chosen her and not you’, look as ridiculous as it truly is.

The psychopath’s entire life is all about controlling and exploiting others. They are time freaks and they compartmentalize everything  and everyone in their lives. They usually have many cellphones with easily removable sim cards, as well as multiple email addresses, online dating sites under pseudonyms that they hide brilliantly from their main target. Do you really want to be her again?

The fantasy that the psychopath builds for the victim from the beginning is very powerful and involves her deepest vulnerabilities. If she is already at an emotional deficit and is vulnerable, the psychopath will have better success in keeping her in the relationship, no matter how abusive it will become. This is where it’s important to be mindful about your escape and how fortunate you are to have gotten out. The new victim will surely suffer an immeasurable amount of pain in the future. I have seen victims who have relinquished their power completely, unable to live without their psychopaths to the point of complete enmeshment and addiction that will be life long, no matter what the psychopath does to her. 

I know how painful it can be to see the psychopath and his new victim in ‘real time’ on his social network. Whether in images or in person, but we have to look past what we see as exclusive and bring into reality the whole picture. This picture includes what he did to you and every other victim in his life. Psychopaths have an insatiable addiction to power and the subsequent pain of the abuse they create and cause for others.

As survivors, we literally have to learn how not to want the psychopath anymore. Deprogramming and excising our addiction to him comes through no contact. When we see who he really is, the jealousy, anger and hurt about the new victim will ease over time. Who wants to marry, live with and/or date a psychopathic abuser? If you still want or love him, it’s because you are looking upon him with eyes of empathy. You’re projecting your feelings onto someone who is incapable of having them. It’s also a reflection of the wounds you must heal, a reflection of your low self worth, forfeited for his opinions of you. It’s a reflection of his power over you and the emotional dependence you have upon him.

Survivors begin to move forward when they understand and finally accept that their ex partner was disordered. It’s at this point that they are they able to switch gears and begin to look at their involvement in the relationship and what made them vulnerable to a psychopath or narcissist in the first place.

Changing your perspective hurts. You will have to take every positive thought about him and change it into one that is realistic. His ‘love’ for you was manipulation, the rest was deprivation and abuse. He lives to take you to the highest emotional mountaintop in the beginning and watch your reactions as he slowly or quickly pushes you off, watching as you fall, and ‘rejoicing’ in sadistic glee as you hit bottom.

Is this really the life you would want to continue? The life you just escaped and that the new victim now has to contend with?

As you cultivate your own independence and change the story of the relationship to an accurate one with regards to the psychopaths love bombing and subsequent abuses, it will help you to embrace yourself and your new life more, bringing relief to you and your new freedom. For you truly are free.

When you struggle with his ‘choice of her over you’, keep in mind your own beginning with him, what he did to you, what happened during the relationship, and that true and real change does not occur with a simple change of victims and persona, but through self reflection, therapy, and most of all time. NO ONE can ‘change’ someone else to ‘instant happiness’. Don’t allow the fantasy he fed you and that you briefly lived in his exploitation of you, to be the guiding principle in gauging his ‘change’ with her or his ‘new life’ with her. She will have her own lessons to learn,  just as you are learning them now.

I wish you peace.

**Note: Psychopath is my term of preference, however narcissist and sociopath are also interchangeable here. While I use ‘he’ in referencing the psychopath, this article also applies to men who have been the victims of psychopathic women.

 

 

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207 Responses to “Why Did He Choose Her and not ME?”- The Psychopath’s Discard and the New Victim

  1. Carla says:

    I left a long message here a couple of hours ago and now it is gone, weird!!!

  2. Angie says:

    I have read numerous articles on this topic, but this is by far the best. Just fresh out of a “relationship” with a N. Fortunately for me, this was my 2nd go-round with this person (15 years in between) and so I had already gone through the excruciating pain of the discarding, character assassination and replacement. Back then, I knew nothing of Narcissism so I believed the lies and carried blame for many years, thinking somehow I must have been at fault. Even up until the recent reconciliation I did not know this person was a N. He apologized for what he had done in the past, blaming others for his behavior. I actually believed him, well…sort of. I guess I always knew, gut instinct/intuition, that something just wasn’t quite right. After the “honeymoon” phase of this “reconciliation” began to wear off, the insidious emotional abuse began. I finally realized as I felt my spirit slowly being killed by this vampire that my only salvation was to get out once and for all. I now know that all those years ago I was never to blame. I was with a N the whole time and never knew it. This was a blessing in disguise. For those of you reeling from the pain of being discarded and replaced like yesterday’s trash, please read this article over again, a million times if you have to. Regain your self-worth and spirit, get support from those that know and love you. These men are only out for warm bodies to feed off of and are incapable of empathy, and they do not need closure. It is not YOU, it is THEM that caused this pain you are feeling, you were abused. Most important thing to remember from this article: the new “love” is only a replacement, she too eventually will be replaced, and this is why the chances of any normal loving relationship does not exist, ZERO chance. It may last longer than yours did, but all that means is that she is unhealthy and got sucked into his toxic web. Be glad you are now FREE to find real healthy love. Don’t look back.

    • Angie,

      Thanks for sharing your story. The article is one of the most read here.

      Believe it or not, as you move through recovery, not any of that will matter. It’s a process….I”m glad you found solace in reading. :)

  3. Lilly Beller says:

    Thanks for sharing this. I think we may be the same person. WOW! I really wish I would have paid attention to the Red Flags. He was good, really good. He told me he had Bipolar, but really, he is a psychopath. He tried to be good, but he was so controlling, angry, yet charming around his family and in public. He has moved on. To who? A widow who is lonely. She has a home close to a lake (he loves to fish) and a cabin in the mountains close to his mother. She is perfect for him. She has exactly what he wants. She lives off of her Husbands military retirements and Social security, plus she works. I want to warn her, but I know that it is none of my business. I am broken, my heart hurts, but my brain tells me the truth. He had so many great qualities. He did so many very nice things for me, like remodeled my home, built me a dog pen, cut down trees, etc. Work Work work. I thought it was his mania. The I would say one thing. He would completely take it out of context. I would not hear from him for a week or two, sometime longer. Then he would call, tell me everything I was doing wrong. Convince me it was me and then come back… How stupid can I be. Thank you again for writing this. I am feeling a little better about myself now. God Bless You.

  4. Mari Moran says:

    Dear Kelli
    Thank you for such great article. I just came out of a relationship with a narcissist. After a week of the break up he had a new girl. His all over Facebook portraying his extremely happy with her and is planning a wedding already. How is that possible is only been 3 months. Anyways, he was very abusive, manipulative, liar, offensive, physically and mentally abusive etc. I could not talk to anyone (specially males), I could not go out anywhere, he had to attend or i had to ask permission. He tells everyone it was my fault. His denying to the new girl he has children because he believes he lives now in a college town (Austin, TX) so he doesn’t want her to know his past. I have been doing some research looking for answers because at one point i thought it was my fault. I kept questioning as to why or how can he be so happy if he had just told me how much he was in love with me. I have taken it as a blessing that he cheated and found a new victim. I finally feel free with every intention to recover slowly from everything he put me through. Everything you say is true, as his doing with her everything he did with me just in a different way. Even asking her to marry him he did with me as well on the second month. The recovery from such a horrible unhealthy relationship has been very hard, but as time passes, i feel so much better alone and happier.

    great article made me feel so much better!!!
    Mari

    • Mari,

      I’m sorry for your experience. It takes a long, long time to get over this kind of betrayal, so try to be very patient with yourself. Next time you will choose wisely if you figure out how he got into your life in the first place. He does what he does with a new victim in a different way because a. she is not the same as you, her likes, needs, wants are different and he needs to ‘morph’ to who and what she is. But that’s all that changes with these individuals. He will repeat the cycles with the new victim, so much so it’s predictable. I know it’s painful, very much so, but you can and will recover with time. I’m glad the article helped!

      • Katie says:

        Hello, I need advise…please, after reading all this stuff on Narc abuse makes me think that I was with one. I have been on and off with a guy for 5 years, when I met him I thought he was really cute and everything he was fun to be around and all, It didn’t take long to see is horrible rage side and being jealous, in the first 2 years we were together we had been though a lot, he has cheated on me and I have taken him back and we have gotten in huge fights etc. One of the times we broke up he got with someone else about a week after us and he began dating her, he was still calling me and hanging out with me telling me that he wasn’t over me at all and just playing mind games, this other girl ended up moving him in within a month which hurt badly…..ofcourse he took her up on the offer and moved in with her, he was still contacting me here and there, Then he just disappeared and I assumed because he was with her, after months go by I had bought my first home (which is what he wanted me to to when I was with him but I kept telling him I couldn’t do it until my car was paid off) obviously that wasn’t good enough for him as he lived with his parents the whole time we were together until he moved in with her. Well I was pretty excited about my new house it was a huge step for me, well ofcourse he found out and started calling and texting me and telling me that he was fighting with her, and I always answered his calls or texts. (Stupid me) then one day on July 4th he had called me saying that he was back living at his parents house because they broke up I have heard their relationship was pretty toxic but so was mine with him. So he talked about coming over to see my new house and he also told me that when he heard that he was heart broken because that is what he wanted with me, but hey he couldn’t wait. So he came by that day to see my house and ofcourse we slept together. Once I took him home that night I had a feeling he was going to get back together with her eventually and sure enough I was right he did…….after that I didn’t hear from him for 7 months and then one morning in the beginning of February of 2013 I received a text from him, he was telling me that they finally broke up and he was once again living back at his parents house….we started talking again and hanging out and we got back together It didn’t take long for him to start being a jerk to me. Now, keep in mind that he never really was able to keep a job or really friends of his own. After maybe 6 months he cheated on me one night and told me the next day, he cheated on me with some random bartender and told me that he liked her and wanted to pursue her and wanted to be friends with me…..I was crushed!!!!! I told him “NO” that I couldn’t stand by and watch him date someone else, so we didn’t talk for 4 months and I have heard that it never worked out with that girl. So beginning of this year on New Years Eve I facebooked him and said “Happy New Years” the next day we started messaging each other and then that lead to seeing each other, we hung out for a month here and there, he was hanging out with this guy a lot…they were always connected, I realized that this guys family had money….so I was pretty sure that was the reason. He had told me in that month that he was getting this good job and doing all this stuff to make me think that he has changed, He finally said something to me about us being back together and once again I made it easy for him to come right back in. He was great the first week. I know his mom was happy because his family LOVED me and I loved them and still do! Well it didn’t take long for him to treat me like crap again and go on this emotional up and down roller coaster. Then in April of this year he broke up with me again giving me the whole friend card….I was hurt!! Come to find out from him he told me a few days later that he was going on a double date with his friend that he was always with, I was balling my eyes out! After that I decided SCREW him I am not going to contact him anymore. I found out that it was a 20 year old girl and he is 30, I was sick to my stomach I should of known because the guy he was always with liked young girls. I found out by checking his FB page, which was wrong. So after 3 weeks go by he started texting me random stuff like pictures of his new car and calling every once in awhile. One of things he told me when he broke up with me in April is that he is moving in with that guys (his friends) family RENT FREE…which I thought was werid,,,,but that is how he is always wants something for free. On Memorial Day weekend he texted me telling me that he wasn’t moving in over there and his friends mom wanted rent money….he was actually upset about that. That same weekend after we talked the next day I saw that he put on FB that he started drinking again…he had quit a month after we broke up when he cheated on me with that bartender. It was nice when we were back together earlier in the year because of his no drinking because he was a jerk when he drank and pretty much a cheater. When I saw that I texted him and he came over that night and we slept together and he went home we started talking more after that, I was there when he needed me when his truck got stuck in the mud a week after memorial day weekend, I helped him out by letting him come over and get money to pay the tow truck driver (which is mom paid me back for that night) and early June he spent the night again…we started getting closer like we were back together and before I knew it we were. His mom was even telling me before his birthday on the 2nd of July to leave him and that he doesn’t deserve to be with me because he is a user, she said she loves her son but she knows that he doesn’t treat people right and she believes that her son doesn’t want to settle down into an enjoyable life because he thrives on chaos and constant conflict. Well I still stayed with him, his mom has been there for me a lot during these last 5 years with him. On fourth of July he took me to a cook out at his bosses house and on the way there treated me like crap telling me I looked like sh#$ and that I couldn’t bring my purse in his bosses house because it was TOO big…..REALLY!!!! Once we got to his bosses house his demeanor changed. The rest of the night went good,,,,ofcourse the next day we were fighting again. By the week after fourth of July he dumped me for someone else and put on FB that he is in a relationship with her on the day we broke up. His mom told me just to be strong and move on because he is NOT worth it, His parents really wanted him to be with me. he has put me through SO much and we have been through so much together. I was the only thing besides his family that was stable in his life, I saw jobs come and go and friendships come and go and even cousins of his come and go. I have been by his side through thick and thin, the week before he dumped me he was telling me that he wanted to move in with me and trying to get me pregnant, How did he go from that to this. It has been a little over a month with no contact from him, oh yeah when he dumped me he offered me the friend card again…REALLY!!! He has not called since that day…I know I will hear from him, he always comes back, I am the only girlfriend of his that has had my stuff together like own my own home and a good job etc and I was good to him, I took the abuse basically which was wrong and I was blind. This hurts him being with someone else……and the hard part is that I feel like everything is going GREAT with them. Please HELP….do you think he has Narc traits????? and do you think it is going to last with this new girl? and do you think he will contact me again? I know I need to be strong and reading all this stuff helps….after this last break up I started researching and it lead me here, he is a lier and a manipulator and a cheater. His mom just contacted me telling me that she misses me and just wanted to say hello.

        Please help

      • Katie,

        All of this is so very familiar. I don’t know how many times I’ve said it, but these individuals are utterly predictable, as are the outcomes: Pain.

        “What you allow, is what will continue”. I see this all throughout your comment. I know it’s painful, Katie, but there is not ONE thing in your comment that doesn’t scream pathological, that this man is using you and every time he wants in, all he has to do is say a few flowery words, have sex with you and he’s unpacking his bags, ready for the next round of using. With all you’ve shared here, I can see how EACH of these incidents is trying to teach you….over and over, he’s proven to you that he can’t change. Over and over he’s proven to you that he has NO respect for you. Over and over, he’s proven that he has you like a puppet on a string, ready to do his bidding when he’s up to it. But that’s what they do.

        And what I see with you, is the same process of addiction that happens with every survivor who has been in one of these relationships. But he’s not going to break that addiction for you, YOU have to do it. What this means, is when you’re ready, you’ll close the door PERMANENTLY to his being allowed entrance into your life. No more texting, allowing him to sleep with you. No more finding out through friends, family, etc, what he’s doing and where he is and whom he’s with. This keeps the addictive cycle going. Every single pathological individual, whether sociopath, psychopath or narcissist, is about deprivation. They deprive you of the very thing you want, ON PURPOSE, to keep you dependent upon them emotionally. I caught a slight comparison of yourself with other women, something these individuals love, that you own a home, etc. That doesn’t matter to psychopaths, unless they can get something for themselves out of it. IN HIS MIND, you are no different than all the OTHER women he’s had. With all the sleeping around he’s done, STD’s would be of MAJOR concern as well. As with everyone else in their lives, women are nothing more than objects. They ‘settle’ with whatever woman, for the moment, meets their ‘needs’. Not true needs for love or kindness, compassion or sharing, as it might be in a healthy relationship, but for money, a place to be without pay, or where the woman offers herself COMPLETELY to him.

        Katie, he is ruinous, dangerous, reckless, without empathy. He cannot and will never be able too, put himself in your shoes. He cannot see the world the way you see it, or love the way you see it. A child with someone like this would devastate your life and the life of the child. If he goes on to find a woman he can adequately use while doing nothing, all the better for him. And if she winds up with a child (and this is very plausible given his inability to be faithful), she will live a life of hell with him, add to that an innocent child. These individuals are incapable and ruinous as parents too.

        As to your questions: they are asked from the perspective of deprivation. His purposeful holding back from what you see in fantasy of what he might or could be, if he would just *fill in the blank*, has you seeing the possibility that he could be different with someone else. All that you need to remember, is how it was WITH YOU….that’s all. Because it will be that way with EVERY woman he is with, no matter how long she stays or doesn’t. It’s not ABOUT her at all either, it’s about HIM….the only thing psychopaths are capable of doing, is changing their ‘appearance’ and ‘behaviors’ to acclimate to whomever they’re with. What you see of him with someone else, is as fake as he was with you.

        I understand your love for his mother. But take her advice, as she knows her son well. She’s telling you what the ‘possibilities’ are with this man, which is ZERO. I think that a parent that can admit that their child is not right, is pretty wise and she’s lovingly trying to save you MORE pain. She has NO control over what he does. Romantic relationships with psychopaths can have us hanging onto dear life with any of their family members that are perceived as loving us. But that will never change what the psychopath is doing. No matter how involved you are with his mother, eventually there will come a time when she will continue to ‘support’ her son in that if he does become involved with someone else to the point of what is perceived as a ‘true relationship’, you will be but a mere pleasant and past thought…

        In other words, Katie, you can’t and will never be able to change his behavior. What he did with you and against you, IS WHO HE IS. He isn’t a guy whose going to change when the ‘right’ woman comes along. that is FANTASY. REAL change, takes a long, long time. The cycle cannot and will not stop, until YOU put a stop to it. And if you don’t, you’ll face more hurt, more pain, more break ups, more disrespect. Because he knows he can. His deprivation has caused you to become emotionally dependent on CRUMBS he tosses your way. You’re allowing him to disrespect you. It isn’t about whether or not this man can love you, because he can’t. These guys don’t magically change with anyone they’re with NO MATTER what you ‘see’…it’s an illusion and psychopaths are good at it. Very good. With every ‘new’ woman he’s with, it has you in fantasy, believing he is giving something to the new girl that he refused or refuses to give to you. That is a LIE. He cannot give to anyone. But this IS the deprivation piece he wants YOU told hold onto so that next time…..and as long as you play his game, there will ALWAYS be a next time. ALWAYS. And it will hurt more the next time, then the last time.

        I have no doubt he will come back. Because you’ve allowed it. He knows, again, all he has to do is pretend change for a week, sleep with you and then he can immediately return to his lousy treatment of you. He doesn’t come back because he misses you, or that in some twisted way, he loves you, he comes back because he knows you will allow him to disrespect you.

        Don’t you think, with all you have going for you, that you’re worth MORE? That’s something I’d ask you to give consideration too. Psychopaths are good at putting our self esteem in the dust. Try to ask yourself what vulnerability you had that he was able to get in in the first place. In doing so, in really looking at the answers, which have more to do with you, then with him, you’ll find a WEALTH of information…

        Peace and love, Katie..

    • Freedom says:

      He had a “new girl” before he broke up with you. This is how they operate. Poor unsuspecting victim she is.

    • LIZ says:

      Okay, i was with my daughters narcissistic father for about 4 years, iv helped him with everything… i helped him find a job.. i helped him get a car so he would be able to get around like i can.. i always tried to encourage him to stay in school… the last year and a half was nothing but hell.. he had infidelity issues, was a compulsive liar, anger issues, gave me stds.. was very disrespectful to me and my family, was very controlling and manipulating… Im a college student just trying to finish, he is in an alternative school for his behavior disorder and cannot even get out of high school. He had no goals for himself, he expected me to do everything for him while he sits back and does nothing but sit on his pathetic ass. I wasn’t going for that one bit, and i wanted OUT of the relationship. unfortunately, I ended up getting pregnant and i tried to stay for the sake of our baby girl, hoping things would work out and maybe get better..im pretty sure a lot of other mothers can relate to that.. things never got better..they didn’t.. things just got worse.. worst of the worst.. i told him one night that i was tired of this.. i deserve better and that there someone out for me, iv never cheated or did any of the things he did to me…. he told me fine and that the relationship is dead and to kill it.. so we broke up.. he tried coming back a few days later with a hicky on his neck ..but i told him no.. to stay away from me.. i tried to co parent with him and he wasn’t going through with what we agreed to.. he would try to get her when i was most busy with her.. and i wasn’t having that.. so we got into a argument one day on my porch and he said such mean things to me it hurts to even thinking about… he tried to put a order of protection against me and make me look like a horrible mother.. i hired a lawyer, my daughters father never showed up to court the OOP got dropped.. i am now fighting him for full custody of my baby girl so that when it comes down to makeing any major decisions with her i can make them… not to mention as soon as we broke up he jumped into a relationship with a stripper.. they’ve been together maybe 2-3 months but she brags on facebook about how they have been really messing with each other for about 2 years, to reduce stress im not their friends on fb but its a small world and info gets around.. they publicize their relationship on facebook all the time, naked pictures and all together.. they even talk about the sex life.. she claims shes pregnant and their married.. she makes statuses about me being a bad mom.. trying to keep him from our daughter which she knows nothing about.. she talks about me receiving public help and how shes a great wife because she cooks,cleans and sexes him good. i never respond back… It all is hurtful and im not sure how to deal with all of this.. Im just trying to move on.. finish college and provide the best life for me and daughter…. im not sure how to deal with all of this, its very painful as much as i try to hide it … will they really workout? im single and feel alone… while they look so happy… any advice?

  5. Chrissy Phillips says:

    Kelli, and the rest of the ladies that have posted;
    Thank you so much for sharing my same story. I’m getting out of a one year marriage with a Narcissist and it’s the same thing you all have stated. He morphed in to me on so many levels and had zero boundaries. He was like being with a child emotionally. He pouted, through tantrums, ran to mommy and daddy… He treated his fifteen year old daughter like she was his wife while ignoring and making fun of his 17 year old daughter behind her back. We got married and I moved in, it was AWFUL immediately. We were married six weeks and I was terrified of the choice I’d made. Then he told me (and still says) I had no integrity because I didn’t “try to understand his situation”, then he attacks me emotionally because I had a traumatic childhood (and narcissistic mother) then he finishes it with, “But you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known and I’m deeply, deeply, in love with you.” (yes, he used two deeply’s)

    He HAPPILY took all of my paycheck which I later discovered helped him pay off many of his debts, then he hid 30,000+ in another account without my name on it. Then he “didn’t mean too and is sorry it looked that way”.. but never put a penny back in my name,. He’s a lawyer, you can imagine how excited I am (not) to try to take him to court for this divorce. I’m just walking away and learning a good lesson. Everyone on the outside likes him, they completely buy and believe the same personification that he projects that I also bought. He’s such a liar, he’s malicious and has no sympathy for anything. He pouts and everyone has felt sorry for him, his story has been, “I’m a single dad and I have two teenage daughters and she just couldn’t live with that..” It’s a total lie.

    Unfortunately, all of the signs were there before I married him. He kept trying to get back with his ex wife, telling me he was just “torn over the loss of his family but he loved me more than anything in the world”. I’m embarrassed to even begin to say what all he did….

    Thank you again for your posts – I know I’m not alone in the world and waking up in the middle of the night thinking, “How stupid am I and how did I get myself in to this…”

    Prayers for all of us,
    Christina

    • lauren turner says:

      I am still trying to recover from all of the pain my ex psychopath caused me. In the beginning, everything was perfect. He whined and dined me, brought me nice things, and was so attentive and appeared to be in to me. During this time I did notice some red flags (rage, impulsiveness, being inappropriate at times) however I chose to ignore because I had already fallen head over heels. The psychopath eventually ended up asking me to into his home with my children. Worst mistake I could have ever made. I gave away everything that I owned because I believed my fairytale was coming true. My psychopath ex was extremely charming, had a nice big home, along with nice cars. I was living in a fantasy. Well as you can imagine, things began to change not long after I moved in. He suddenly felt that things weren’t working between me and him and thats when my nightmare began. My children and I constantly walked around on egg shells, and he became emotionally detached from me. During that time, I tried everything in my power to make things right and nothing I did was good enough. My ex psychopath put me and my children out of his home after only 9 months of living there. As you can imagine I was devastated. Not only because of the pain that he had caused me, but because of what I had put my children through making the decision to move in with this sick individual.

  6. E says:

    Dear Kelli,
    Thank you so much for writing this post. I was recently involved with a sociopath/narcissist. He was pursuing me while he still had a girlfriend. I fell for all his lies and tricks. Once his girlfriend broke up with him he really started the love bombing phase. Asking me to marry him and that he loved me and wanted to be with me even though we were oceans away and we couldn’t date. I played along but it didn’t take too long for him to claim that the situation was to difficult and if we were to date we had to keep it open but that if he got a girlfriend close by he would just stop talking to me. He also tried to pressure me into having sex and doing other things I didn’t want to do. When I refused he became completely horrible to me. So I stopped talking to him and I found out he immediately had a new girlfriend who he got married to after only dating her for 2 months. He is 25 and this girl is 32. She quit her job and moved countries to be his housewife. When I found out I was very upset because I still liked him and wanted to be with him. The questions kept coming up of why her? Why not me? I’m so glad I found your blog. It helps me get through my day and answers all the questions that keep popping into my head. It’s still hard not to like him and want to be with him but I know I’m better off. I do have a question for you though. Do these types of people have friends? And if they do, do their friends know how horrible they are? Also are these people ever happy with their lives?

    • Hi E,

      I’m glad you found the blog, but I’m sorry for the reasons why.

      Your questions are very good ones and I’m happy to help answer if I can.

      Do they have ‘friends’? Of course. Many psychopaths, particularly those who are ‘successful’ in some way in life, professional or personally, are those with higher levels of narcissism and to which the public mask is so believable that people do not give consideration to what this person may be at home. Abuser are not likely to make their tactics known to those closest to him (or her) and the victim, as blatant abuse is not ‘socially acceptable’ (although I question this now, given the society in which we live).

      Anyway, abusers are brilliant at compartmentalizing their lives as they have been doing it all their lives, so their friends do not know what they are really doing in private and behind closed doors to their victims. There is no such thing as a ‘true’ and evolving friendship with a psychopath or narcissist, as the have no empathy and would only accept a ‘friendship’ on THEIR terms, oftentimes unbeknownst to those they are friends with. Their relationships are shallow because they are incapable of empathy and consequently, utterly meaningless to them unless that ‘friend’ serves a purpose in holding up the image that the psychopath wants. If a friend of a psychopath has friends with conscience and who perceive the psychopath as a ‘close’ friend and are more interactive with them, it can still take YEARS to see under the mask, while others will ditch the psychopath when realizing they are unable to give, if the psychopath doesn’t discard them first.

      Happy? That’s a bit of a loaded question, E. Is anyone really ever genuinely ‘happy’?

      To the extent that they are happy in the same sense that those of us who are capable of empathy and conscience, the answer is no. But a psychopath or narcissist, without empathy, would perceive ‘happiness’ in the value that each relationship or circumstance has for him/her, what can be given to him ONLY. They are ‘happiest’ when duping and harming other people. They are ‘happiest’ when in completely control of their environment or in control of others. But as you might guess, that is not happiness in the truest sense. Psychopaths lives are vacuous at best. The walking dead, the soulless. They cannot be alone because their very self is held up by others, in particular, intimate family relationships. They are energy vampires, lost without the ability to feed off the emotions and personalities of other people.

      Psychopaths are very good at the APPEARANCES of being happy, especially when it comes to presenting that image to their ex victims in an effort to hurt that ex victim more, all part of a psychopath’s life, engineered for game playing, from the time they open their eyes to closing them at night.

      I hope that helps answer your questions.

      • E says:

        Thank you for your answer. It helps a lot to know these things. Right now it is really hard for me because my psychopath is acting like he changed since he got married. For example, now his facebook is very private and he hasn’t gone on the dating site he once used to go on. I wonder if he is actually treating his new wife with respect. I know you said that the chances of his next relationship working out are zero but it still bothers me.

        I actually had to break no contact when I found out he got married because I was so upset. I called him and he told me that I should move to his city to become his mistress. Then he started flirting with me. He also told me how the sex with his new wife was getting boring. He said that HE wouldn’t have sex with girls but the GIRLS would have sex with him so he wouldn’t be cheating on his wife. This was only three days into his marriage. I guess these are signs that he hasn’t changed but maybe he’s still wearing his mask in front of his wife. Also from what he’s told me his wife is very submissive and lets him do whatever he wants. Which was completely unlike me. Also he told me earlier how he had been cheating on his wife when they were first dating but that he felt bad about it. Does that mean he actually has feelings and empathy?

        I just can’t see how someone can get married so fast and out of the blue. I keep thinking when are they going to divorce? What if they have a baby? I feel like I really need his marriage to fail in order for me to feel validated. But I feel like he’s one of those guys that wouldn’t get a divorce just to keep his image in check. But I guess none of that matters anymore. I’m just trying to move on and find a nicer guy so I can forget about him.

      • “I called him and he told me that I should move to his city to become his mistress. Then he started flirting with me. He also told me how the sex with his new wife was getting boring. He said that HE wouldn’t have sex with girls but the GIRLS would have sex with him so he wouldn’t be cheating on his wife (WTF?). This was only three days into his marriage.”

        This is a perfect example of why those of us who have been there are so ‘hard core’ about no contact, E. It creates confusion, cognitive dissonance within you, even though his sickness is more than obvious. A good man would not say, nor do these things let alone a healthy one. Especially not to an ex. He exploited your willingness to hear his tall narcissistic tails of how great he is, how wanted he is. This is very, VERY sick behavior. “Also he told me earlier how he had been cheating on his wife when they were first dating but that he felt bad about it.” Someone that ‘feels bad’ about cheating, doesn’t turn around and do it again. When Psychopaths/narcissists ‘say’ things like that, they are doing it to manipulate you. They pathologically lie about everything. He is no exception to this rule. His wife’s submissiveness is not your problem, that is hers now. Psychopaths are exceptional at conjuring up images with their new victims as blissful and somehow that he’s changed. Another reason why we do NOT engage because this is precisely what he wants you to think and to believe. We never ‘have’ to break no contact, E, we choose too. It wasn’t necessary to break no contact because you were so upset about his marriage, it was a choice that you made and one that is obvious in how it has hurt you, which is ALWAYS the psychopath’s intent.

        There is a problem within us when we cannot discern healthy behavior from obvious unhealthy behavior and we have to question ourselves about it. Focusing on them, takes the focus off ourselves and in trying to figure out how we let someone like this into our lives in the first place.

        It takes a long time to heal from these relationships. It is a slow and painful process, but we take several steps back in our recovery when we have contact with them. There is part of us that wants to believe there is a ‘human’ and empathic side to these individuals, but there isn’t. We are shown that every single time we engage.

        Trust me when I share with you that this man is very, very, very, VERY sick and it’s a good thing that you are free of him completely. As far as the new victim goes…she will have her time too. I feel so much pity for her in all that you’ve shared here, as she knows nothing…she will have to learn the hard way, like we all have, E. It’s not up to you to worry about their marriage or what he is or isn’t doing to her. Again, that’s a distraction from you….it also keeps you from a true grieving process and a genuine letting go of this man. They beat us down so much, that we are left with little of ourselves and are wildly emotionally dependent upon these men. In the end, some of us will do just about anything, to a very twisted degree, to have contact with them, after they have spent our entire relationship with them, exploiting our need for them, through deprivation and abuse.

        Finding a nice guy to forget about him, will have you in the same psychopathic boat as you are very vulnerable right now. I think it would be very wise to be alone for awhile, if you can, find a therapeutic outlet for yourself. Get to know yourself better and time to heal from this relationship. When you are looking for someone else to take away the pain a psychopath has caused, it’s a sure bet that you’ve not learned to love YOU yet. It’s a lot of work, and it takes a lot of time, but I can tell you that, for many survivors, the time and the work make a HUGE difference in their choices later on when they realize they don’t NEED a man, but that they are willing to wait for the ‘right’ man, IF he comes along at all. Some survivors learn to enjoy being alone so much, they don’t WANT to get involved in another relationship and instead find things to do that make themselves happier and more at peace.

        Once you’re away from the drama for awhile, E, you will reach the point where you’ll build a huge repulsion to it. When that happens, you know you’ve made a lot of progress in your recovery.

        No contact, E. The more contact you have, the more you will doubt yourself and give him validation.

      • Christine says:

        Hi All,

        I can relate to E’s story so much.

        After being in no contact for 2 years, the narcassist finally broke contact and sent me a text. A simple hello. I didn’t respond however two days later I found out he was engaged to be married! Like E, I text back. My curiosity got the best of me. I was obsessed with finding out everything about him and his future bride. As we were texting back and forth for a while, I strongly started to believe that maybe I was going to get the closure I so desperately needed two years ago and sometimes still need. But he refuses to talk about the past. No questions about it whatsoever. But then something strange happened. He refuses to talk about our past but he was quite comfortable talking about our intimate times. He went on to tell me that our intimacy was the best he ever had, he went into details about it, and then started to become very explicit about our intimate times. I told him I didn’t want to discuss tis topic at all and constantly changed the subject. However, he always brought to back to that.

        This man is getting married in 7 months and he is talking to me like this and raving about his fiancé at the same time. His actions justified to me that everything I believed about him being a narcassist is in fact true! Yet I felt stuck. I couldn’t bring myself to end the texting. Why? I got my answers loud and clear, he will never change, he is a very sick man.and yet like E, I feel the need to know if his new relationship is as great as he says it is. He seemed happy. He kept telling me he was happy. But if you are truly happy, do you contact and ex and starting talking to her about your past sex life? It doesn’t make sense to me.

        He wants to meet with him. He says he wants to meet as special friends because my friendship means a lot to him and his kids. The funny part is that he wants to meet somewhere private. Why? If you want to meet as friends why can’t it be a coffee shop? Why somewhere private? So I know that all the signs are there. He is a sick man. But, why can’t I get it through my thick skull that he isn’t happy even though he says he is. Actions speak louder than words. His actions are telling me that he isn’t happy. But I still doubt it all. He is marrying someone 14 years his junior, 8 years younger than me. She has no kids, never been married. She will live with him and his Two kids in the house that we designed together that is currently being built. He is getting married the same month that we were going to get married, the same year as well. He is going on the honeymoon that I had chosen for the 2 of us. I feel like he is robbing me of my dreams. Those were the dreams I shared with him only now he is doing this with her. Ppl have also told me that she looks a little like me as well. Is he doing all of this to hurt me and make me jealous? I hate this man, I really do, but I can’t get myself unstuck. I constantly think about what he did to me, how he treated me at the end of our relationship and yet, I can’t tell him to F off when he texts me. Since contact has been initiated again, we have exchanged a total of three days of texting. He says he always wants me in his life, he always wants to be able to have contact with me and have a relationship with me. Is this triangulation, him wanting to keep me on side so he can have his cake and eat it too.? Or, use his friendship with me to make his fiancé jealous?

        Trust me, I know what the right thing to do is here. But, I feel like I’m still so focused and obsessed about the fact that my whole relationship with him was an illusion. I can’t get passed that. I guess it’s maybe because I would never treat anyone like that and therefore I find it so hard to comprehend how someone can and feel no remorse.

        So, will he get married 7 months from now to his trophy fiancé? Yes, I believe he will. I also know that he will cheat on her, he will abuse her, he will keep her from her friends etc. someone that isn’t enough for me. It’s like I need him to get married and have his new wife leave him. I feel like that has to happen to prove to me that yes, he will do this with everyone. I don’t want him to live happily ever after. He has caused his ex wife so much pain, keeping the kids from her, brainwashing the kids, and even banning her from their oldest son’s wedding. That’s a sick man! He gets away with his because he is constantly playing the victim card after his ex wife left him after 22 years of marriage. He hooked up with me 2 months after his ex left him! Stupid me, if that isn’t a red flag I don’t know what is! We were together for just over three years but I know now that during the three years there was a lot of cheating. He met the fiancé several months after we broke up and proposed to her just months later! I feel sorry for her because I know what’s coming. The pain is brutal and if I could spare others from that pain I would. But, I know that is not my job. My job is to heal myself. Therapy is working but it’s a long road to recovery. Two years out and some days I still feel like I am a mess. How many more times does this man have to show me his true colours before I get it into my thick skull that I dodged a bullet here!

        Out of the fog for 2 years, now back in?

      • Christine,

        You’re back in because you’re confusing what are mere FANTASIES and not dreams to be the focus here. Psychopaths ALWAYS exploit. They exploit your vulnerabilities, including but not limited too, the perceived ‘good things’….and in your mind that’s the dream home, the dream man, the white picket fence and three little babies by this dream man who is gonna take care of you.

        You see…if you’ve not read it here already, or elsewhere, being lured by a psychopath, is like getting the first hit of a drug that gives you the most INTENSE high…it lasts until you are HOOKED into the relationship. Then there is the honeymoon cycle, the the slow and subtle (or not so subtle) devaluation begins and Prince Charming is now Prince Satan….

        The exploitation and manipulation from the beginning IS abuse. It’s the height of abuse and the most dangerous time in the relationship. Psychopaths create an addiction in you by giving you everything you think you want in the beginning and his being your ‘dream man’ and ‘soul mate’….they take you to the highest mountain, then slowly or quickly, push you off. The higher you are, the harder you will fall and this is GLEE for the psychopath. GLEE.

        Their brains are hard wired to destruction: the pain of other people. When my ex, prior to his now THIRD marriage, was luring the victim into marriage (she married him), he was busy setting up a potential triangulation (mistress) BEFORE he was married, and this one out of state, because the last one (ME) was too close and too much potential trouble. The victim he was luring, did NOT buy into it and sent him on his way. He lied to her and lied to her about the new victim, even though she already KNEW…because she emailed me and I told her. So much for secrets. Anyway, he’s setting you up as a potential mistress. Psychopaths are all about DEPRIVATION…they give you all you want, then they slowly deprive….making you beg for love, beg for anything that means you go back to the beginning and what he represented himself to be, which was all a LIE…he is doing the same thing to her and he’s using YOU to do it. What a cruel son of a bitch, Christine. Think about it, again you’re in the fog because you’re allowing him in. Not only is he hoping you’ll be his little ‘side dish’, but he knows, AGAIN what you really want…..everything that you THINK he is going to give to her, but that’s not possible with a psychopath and you’ve outlined that really nicely about his behavior. He’s exploiting you again, harkening you back to that first hit of the drug. It’s an addiction Christine and all of us have fallen off the wagon a time or two. The only back on the wagon is to GET BACK ON and go no contact again.

        You know what this man is, no doubt. There is RARELY closure from a psychopath. They like keeping their options open just in case YOU don’t bite, he has others in the pipeline for quick access. her life will be MISERY. A man who is in love with his potential bride is not trying to ‘hook up’ with an ex. But that’s exactly what psychopaths do. THAT IS YOUR CLOSURE.

        I’ve been where you are right now. unfortunately, before I was able to let go of the FANTASY, I gave in and saw him. BIG MISTAKE. He intentionally hurt me, REPEATEDLY, because I allowed him too. I wanted that fantasy sooooooo bad. But that’s all it was. Every time you hook up with this man, it’s opportunity to watch YOU WRITHE..He would LOVE to have you in the sack with him again….and then rattle ON AND ON about his new love….what a nice way to torture you, eh?

        Only you can decide when enough is enough. Maybe you need to be hurt more by him to realize that what he’s trying to do has nothing to do with love, care, concern or anything else. OUr hearts have to connect with our minds. sometimes the power of the addiction to the promised fantasy is too overwhelming, but I can tell you that each time you have contact with him, no matter WHAT your mind tells you, as long as you believe or want too, that he’s somehow ‘capable’ of the fantasy he first represented, you’ll be caught up in his game of POWER and TRIANGULATION….sounds like a fun life, Huh? It’s not, Christine. It’s hell on wheels. Just the way they like it.

        I would ask yourself….”why am I ALLOWING him in?’ what are MY VULNERABILITIES right now? There’s just a couple of questions to take to your therapist…

        I hope you can muster the strength for no contact soon.

  7. Julie Rohlfs says:

    Thank you for your information. I too was with one of those. I still suffer daily from the pain, trauma and abuse I suffered from this guy. My depression has been so severe I have felt like my life is over. I still don’t know how to pick up pieces. I lost everything because of him including my job. While I am raising two of our kids and trying to figure how to re build my life he is off with his new victims.
    I pray there is a hell and they suffer all eternity.

    • Julie,

      I’m sorry for your pain, but understand it well…

      Your desire that justice is done in some way, hell included, isn’t limited. Many survivors feel as you do and it’s completely understandable.

      Healing takes a long time. It is never fast for survivors who are dealing with the consequences of having been with a psychopath.

      • Julie says:

        Hello everyone it’s me Julie,
        I just wanted to share a little again and hope my story relates with someone and I won’t feel so alone.
        Today is the anavirsary date of meeting my predictor 7 years ago. God how I wish I never met him. It’s been two almost three years since I finally left him. I left him hundreds of times before, but always went back after he would beg and plead, attempt suicide, saduce me mentally and physically into believing how much he loved and needed me. He chronically cheated on me with his ex wife and women he was meeting on line and our coworkers. Yes, I met him at my job. Biggest mistake I ever made. He was sooooo good looking, charming, wrote me the most beautiful things any woman would love to hear. And sexually!! Best I ever had. On the flip side called me the most disturbing and discusting things, forced me to do sexual things, slapped me, shoved be to the ground, pulled my hair out, told me I was old and no one would ever want me, told me I was terrible in bed, tried to force me to have abortion with our twins, humiliated me at our job with whores he was sleeping with. I could go on and on I still have not recovered. Police where involved so many times. He new how to con that too. After finally leaving are job and a mental break down and severe depression he was still sending his new women to my door. The restraining order is up this December 2014 I pray to god he will not start showing up again. I hate my life now. I am now middle age, no job, and raising our twins. Scared to death what I will become now. I hate the fact I was so lonely and so nieve I fell for this piss of work.
        Never in my life have I ever been so humiliated. The abuse, all the lies were one thing, but finding out he was on face book the whole five years I was on and off with him he was seeing all these other women. I feel dirty down to my very core. I will never trust again. The only thing that I can say as to why I put up with this from him is that I had an alcoholic dad that abused and abandoned me too. To this day no relationship with him. Well
        That’s all for now. I pray that some how some way all of us survivors will some how find peace.

      • Julie…

        If you’d like to discuss this more privately, PLEASE feel free to email me anytime…

        I’m so sorry for your pain and your current situation. I can really related to this right now, so I really don’t have much to offer you in the way of comfort about your future (part of this is trying to exist in a pathological society where mysogyny runs rampant via psychopaths in power), but what stood out to me in your post, was the following: “The only thing that I can say as to why I put up with this from him is that i had an alcoholic dad that abused and abandoned me too.” YES….

        There was a time, a long, long time during early adulthood that I believed that my past played no role in my choices or my future. Divorced from the reality of the severity of the abuse I grew up with, had absolutely NO safety from out of any adult, I believed that it was ‘all in the past’. It was quite the wake up call when three years ago I came to awareness when my last relationship ended and I could clearly see my participation in the choices I made….it has been excrutiating dealing with that reality. I vacillate between blaming myself, engaging in self flogging, to a pathological degree. Shame and guilt were the dark forces that followed me my entire adult life and unless you have been there, it would be very difficult to understand and to deem these as simply ‘poor choices’. It’s easier to do that to someone who has endured extreme abuse, than it is to provide the intervention and resources needed to help heal them. You are re-victimized with the very act of leaving by a society who does not support people in pain….

        I will not sit here and tell you not to feel the pain and terror you must be feeling. That invalidates you and I won’t engage in it as I suspect you’ve had enough of that…

        I can only share that with your beautiful babies, to just hang in there…my children are grown and gone and I can’t change so many things that I wish i could in having given my adult life to two psychopaths, one of them my children’s father. Your children have a chance, with your awareness to have a better life, for a cycle and pattern to e broken with all that you’re discovering.

        Please know that i hear you. I HEAR YOU…..

  8. mememcgee says:

    This was one of the most helpful pieces on the subject I have ever read. & I have scoured psychopathyawareness.com, psychopathfree.com & the top 1/2 dozen books on what I call average psychopathy (non-Charles Manson Ted Bundy level psychopathy).

    The hardest thing left is trying to understand why. & as an empath, I know I will never understand. But that is the last sliver that keeps infiltrating my brain.

    Again, thank-you.

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  10. puttingitback2gether says:

    This was exactly what I have been searching for. I cannot thank you enough.

  11. I had read this post couple of months ago when I was freshly out of the relationship with my psychopath, and all this was really hard to believe. after reading this again, I can so much relate to this, and I absolutely love everything you’ve wriiten.

    I have also been reading/ studying about ted bundy and Jeffrey dahmer, I know they’re notorious killers, but it has actually given me some kind of closure.

  12. Kim says:

    I can’t find you on facebook.. I put in ..the ability to love… I can’t find it

  13. Kim says:

    I just want you to know that I have been reading articles since last June on abusers. I didn’t even know narcissist’s even existed.. I can’t beleive I feel for this kind of man. It was pure physical attraction and then sexual.. But I get it now, unfortunately I have a child with him, but this man is just all out” a piece of shit” like you said.. I would love to message you personally..your article is by far the BEST article I have read yet, and let me tell you I have read a lot , but you sooooo nailed everything together for me.. He even called me BABY and PRINCESS, total manipulating me into his derranged mind..Anyways I really want to find you on facebook..

  14. Stacy W says:

    It’s been almost 2 years since I left my Narc/BPD relationship. One of the most painful parts was having to physically leave the place that I loved, my home because I knew after many years that if I stayed physically in the same place as him I would always be manipulated back into the same bullshit. I’m reading and writing because though I am in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, kind person now I still feel haunted and often have dreams that make me relive the pain over and over again. I have been perplexed because it’s been so long. I should be over it, right? Well, I’m not and I feel guilty and weak that I’m not over it. Right after I left Brett Gyllenskog swooped up one of my good friends, she was moved in with him within a month of me leaving. I thought that she was one of my best friends. I just have to remind myself that I also fell victim to his manipulation so many times. I thought it was my fault that I wasn’t good enough and that perhaps she is but I know now, from lots of therapy, that there is NO good match for a narcissist!! She is now in the same pain I was and although my hurt and anger are still here ultimately I feel pity on her.
    I just wanted to thank all of you that have commented and to those who wrote the article. Especially all the parts about, sleep, reactive depression, nightmares, etc.. I thought I was crazy and totally lame that I still carry the pain around and dream of him and her so often still.
    All of this has helped me feel okay about where I’m at and helped me to see how damaging these people and relationships can really be. I don’t have to feel so crazy and weak anymore about still reeling from this experience.

    Research characteristics of “REAL” Narcissistic/Borderline/Anti-social… Personality Disorder!!! It’s not just someone who think’s they’re pretty awesome and likes to look at themselves in the mirror. It’s so much more.

    Our society’s casual idea of what Narcissism is NOT the reality! They will manipulate you every time you try to leave. You feel like you can’t go on without them because they have groomed you to feel that way. That’s not real! – even though you feel physically ill and overly fearful at the thought of leaving. I promise that It will never end! It is impossible for them to change because of the type disorder they have does not allow them to look at themselves the way that we can and they NEVER will be able to.

    So ultimately please hear my advice…(I do realize that kids and marriage make this even more complex and difficult)…

    BUY YOURSELF A PLANE TICKET TO SOMEWHERE SAFE AND AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT….BECAUSE IT DOES!!!….even if it means leaving everything you love and where you want to be.

    ….and STOP BELIEVING THAT YOU’RE NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH, STRONG ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH, SKINNY ENOUGH, ETC…

    IT’S A LIE!

    THEY NEED YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY SO THEY CAN KEEP YOU THERE TO KEEP SUPPLYING THEM WITH WHAT THEIR DISORDER NEEDS TO SURVIVE.

    REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT WELL – THEY ARE MENTALLY ILL….you can expect “normal” behavior from them. So STOP TRYING!

    Love yourself and don’t look back.

    Lots of love and kind regards to all of you xoxo

    • Thank you for your comment, Stacy and the advice.

      If a survivor can move, and has the means to do so, I think this is a great idea. It’s a huge decision to make when leaving, sometimes, all you know.

      I’m considering a move too when my son starts school in the summer. At that point, we will be able too.

      Insofar as not being over it, it can take YEARS to process so much abuse. The longer you are involved, the longer the process. You’re very fortunate to have a good man in your life, however my advice to survivors (and that’s all it is), is to stay single until they feel they have healed enough to engage in a new relationship without the distractions that you’re talking about.

      Are you in therapy, by chance? That might be a helpful solution for you. Does your partner know and understand what’s happened to you? Maybe he would be willing to go with you to therapy if he is struggling with seeing you in pain? Some men do struggle with it.

      Anyway, please just know that it’s not unusual that you’re experiencing this. The idea is to find out what your triggers are and when you become aware of them, it will help you to recognize what’s happening and find solutions to work with it.

      Peace…

  15. hanahan says:

    sorry to hear all these comments

  16. hanahan says:

    One thing about relationships with a narcissist: the theme is universal. I dated one for 3.5 years and in the beginning very charming, attentive even told me he loved me after 4 months of dating and gave me the key to his apartment. The Dr. Jeckyl Mr. Hyde change came on very sublte. There were signs about a year and a half in the relationship that showed me he was selfish and if I did not do what he asked of me there were definitely consequences. Well he ended up asking me a $1000 to help him start another business..I had never asked him for any money.. and I had just rememebered the month prior he had done something vindictive(yes the boyfriend behave vindictively-red flag) so I decided not to give it to him…about a year later…he broke up me via text message stating he had met someone else (i.e..he was cheating on me)… the next victim was older and had more money…He told me what broke the camel back was when I didnt give him the $1000. Anyway, the other woman was 500 miles away in another state and was flying to see him about every other weekend. He was still trying to see me when she was not hear. Eventually, I stopped answering his phone calls and now the other woman( the victim) has moved in with him. What’s unbelievable (but believable to the narcissist) is he brings the other woman to common places where he and I did things together (I was told narcissist dont change their routine they just change their victims). There is so much more I can tell you about this abnormality I was in-just know these relationships are toxic and difficult to eliminate out of your system. I strongly recommend as you have read in many articles apply the NO CONTACT RULE. It can be hard, but eventually clouds will turn into sunshine again. After two years, I am now in a normal healthy relationship with an awesome man,

  17. Nancy says:

    Hi, I enjoy reading your blog, it has provided a lot of insight to me, and I would love to follow you on Facebook but I can’t find your page titled The Ability To Love ? I have searched for it several times tonight…

    • Hi Nancy,

      I no longer have a face book page and haven’t had it up for awhile. Thanks for the reminder as I do need to take down links and/or referrals to it.

      • Trish says:

        I was married for 23 years together for 28 . I was very young when we met 16. I was thrown away like rubbish on valentines day after begging and pleading to chose me he choose the other woman he met on a website a wealthy widow. I was left contemplating taking my own life as he happily skipped of for dinner and a sleep over at his new loves . Told me if I was going to make a scene to leave . I was like a wounded animal . Now through counciling I’ve finally worked out he is narcissistic . It all fell into place the behaviour . I was always put down about my job as I worked so he could earn 2 degrees.,I was emotionally and physically abused I use to sit in the wardrobe and cry . He’d say cry me a river . I was left places on holidays if anything good happened for me he’d destroy it . I was told I was hated and so where the children . He slowly worked on one child to leave home then when he did then started on the other . To the outside world he is a caring health professional couldn’t do enough for anyone . To his family we suffered being ignored always in a bad mood , always we did something to make him annoyed . No one ever knew . Didn’t matter if it was our bday or Xmas if he wanted to be mean he would . Now the new woman gets concert tickets and flowers and thinks she has met her soul mate . I pray she sees through him to save herself and her children the heartache we have endured . I never even knew what gas lighting meant . I was a target from the very first day till the very last . I had a soft heart and a loving nature now I longer trust and am no longer who I was . I don’t even remember me

  18. Julie says:

    I so deeply feel for you and your pain. Your story sounds similar to mine. Except we were together only 4 years. I wish I could take away your pain. I struggle each day just to get out if bed. The depression from being in this type of relationship it touch for anyone to bear. I know it’s only a little comfort but you are not alone there are many people like us in this world. May God some how lift your pain.

    • Julie,

      I understand your pain….

      I wish I could show you a crystal ball with your future that will definitely not feel as painful as it does to you right now.

      Early on, it’s like withdrawal from a drug and indeed, because of our emotional dependence on the psychopath, it is very much like that. They cultivate deprivation and a constant state of want/need. It becomes habitual. It is the greatest of all betrayals.

      I wish I had profound words of wisdom for you, but I don’t. What it takes is time and when you’re in pain like this every hour feels like an eternity but it WILL pass….

      • Trish says:

        It’s been 8 weeks of no contact . I know it’s the best thing I could of done to really see things for what they are . He has rang my best friend and abused her about his own children (it’s everyone else’s fault ). She was taken back at his behaviour and will no longer have contact with him . He has called her numerous times to try and redeem himself . I see him for what he is now . But then why do I everyday go through a thousand thoughts I hate you for what you have done to your own family , I love you and miss you please leave her and come for us this goes on every single minute of the day relentless . If he has moved on why call my best friend ,why get angry I ve changed my number . How can he not miss me I spent 28years with you . I wonder will he show up on my doorstep as there is no other way to contact me now . How can he say the nasty things about his own children .How can I still miss this evil person ??

      • Trish,

        This seems to be such a universal question I need to write a post on it.

        It’s not ‘missing’ in the genuine sense, it’s dependence and addiction. They cultivate this during the relationship. It is amazing how easy and well this works for them.
        You’ve not been out very long, so I promise you this too shall pass but it takes time. A long time. Be very kind to yourself and allow the thoughts to come and go without giving meaning to them, but ratherin observance that they’re there..and let them go through you….

        Anyway, the reasons they do it, is to see if they can get a reaction out of you. They want to make sure you’re doing nothing but thinking of THEM 24/7, while they don’t give a rip. They live in a forever present moment. No past, no future. No remorse, regret, guilt or empathy. Life is a game and they’re in it to win.

        You win when you stay no contact and do not react. About the best friend: This is a lot of drama. Is it feasible for her to ask your ex NOT to contact HER either anymore? He knows she feeds you this information and it does keep the drama rama going. Out of respect for you, is it possible to tell her that you no longer CARE to hear what’s going on with him (even though you do), so that this does not make your ruminating worse?

        As long as he has some ‘in door’ to create more drama, chaos and to get you to reacting, he will. It isn’t about missing you. Psychopaths are not capable of that in the sense you’d like them to be. What they miss is the POWER OVER they had in the relationship and it’s where all the nasty behavior comes from when the relationship is over. They ultimate for them is to have several women on the hook at one time, getting them all triangulated or reacting in some way. It’s a temp gauge for him of POWER.

        Hang in there, Trish. What you’re experiencing is common for what you’ve been through.

  19. Rachel says:

    For me, it was 8.5 years of hell with my nar/socio-unfortunately, we work in the same profession. It was the typical love bombing, move in on me quickly and than the systematic destruction of everything. Lots of other women, lots of lies, weekend disappearances, lots of “I need your help”-but always underneath it all was the little, subtle ways he let me know I wasn’t “good enough”-such as I am too old for his “usual” standards-(I am eight years younger than he is)-walking into my house and just pointing at things and saying “I want that”- and if I refuse the offer, this wide eyed look and “did you just say no to me?”-his cheats are always close to me-previously my direct boss and the current one is someone I work with -she doesn’t know about me(he has told her we are just friends, she used to call me his girlfriend)- but I know all about her-and I feel very bad for her because she is very sweet(truly) and has been burned by a bad marriage and a cheating boyfriend and now she thinks she is madly in love with my ex-he tried to convince me they were no longer together, then he got back with her but he would be with me on Monday, her on Wednesday, spend the night at the beach with me,then go back to her and unfortunately for him-I know his moves and habits very well, so its no longer hard to catch him in his lies and bs-I have tossed him out in the last 3 months about every two weeks-and he keeps coming back-with apologies, and needs a “favor”, then tries to get me things he knows I like etc. The big clue?- He considers he is not cheating if he doesn’t have sex with me, but spends lots of time at my house and calls six times a day but runs to her house and has sex-my take on the whole thing- “she is getting the sex, she can be your secretary”- he doesn’t get this and keeps showing up and trying to find an “angle” to keep me-he actually said to me- Thursday when I told him I knew he spent the night at her house, “my dating should have no bearing on our friendship”-I never agreed to those terms and what planet is he from to think this was acceptable?- he is paranoid, lies constantly, has this grandiose view of himself, never compliments me on anything, is jealous of my accomplishments and tries his best to sabotage me- fortunately, I am a fairly strong person, it took me awhile to wonder what in the world I was going through but after doing a lot of reading, I have found several stories and blogs and its just like my story-the hard part will be the no contact-because I was at work yesterday and I know he was at my house-not inside, just there-he is trying to figure out something “nice” to do for me so he can “keep me”- I do not flatter myself this means he is giving up her-my friends at work tell me she has no idea whats going on and I am not going to say anything-I have told him I am leaving in a few weeks after I finish some business and will disappear- I expect the “love bombing” to resume to some degree-say a prayer for me and I will do the same for all of you-when you realize you are just as miserable with them and around them as you are without them, choose without them-that at least lessens in time. Being around them and miserable is the worst feeling in the world.

  20. Maggie says:

    So real. I walked out of a 12 year marriage. It was hard. Have had zero support system from ‘my folks’ since I was adopted into the family in a culture that sucks. It was hard and long, but it is over. And it will never be the same again. And I will enjoy my celibacy in long time before moving on. I will not have him in my passing away ceremony and neither will I be in his. We will not share Paradise. I will have someone else with me there- he’ll be a good person. I did 5 years of therapy. He did 4 sessions. That’s how much he cared. And in the end, while I was thinking. ‘The story is finished’, he on the other hand expressed it in a way that spoke literally about who he was (Has no feelings whatsoever). He said ‘This is the End.’ Oh, we women are so vulnerable. HE screwed up my financial situation, succeeded to get me into debt. Now, I have a lot of work ahead of me. I am Muslim by birth and I believe that what comes around goes around: He will pay for the long suffering he inflicted on me. I’ve been 7 months away from him- In 7 months, lost weight (10 kgs). My hair looks better. I am nicer to people. Allegria in me. I feel terrible why did I stay so long? Why? Until he brought me to ‘Ground Zero.’ And the worse, he stole my dream. I took him with me to America; I left the US to stay away from him; he on the other hand stayed there. I feel sorry for the next one. She will be super-duped, because he is so good @ that. But for me, he’s nothing. I don’t even feel anger now. This is just a testimony to add. Keep believing in Love.

    • Maggie says:

      They will make us suffer but we will love them

      • If you’re still around to read the next post, I hope you feel validated in this comment. Beautiful. You ARE love, Maggie. There is no reason for YOU to change it.

        Love covers a multitude of sins, if we allow it.

    • Maggie,

      Beautiful comment “Keep believing in love”. This goes beautifully in line with my next post.

      I wish you the best and respect your faith. Our faith, no matter what it is, can help us get through the most harrowing of times.

      Thank you for sharing…

  21. Adrena Berri says:

    I really enjoyed this article. It was clairvoyant and very helpful. I too was involved with a sociopath. Fortunately the relationship only lasted 2 mths, so I did not get too “hooked”. I noticed all of the signs and immediately started to call him out on his lies, disappearances and constant attachment to the cell phone with his many “friends”. I also questioned his relationship with a married woman who was his “bestfriend”, (yeah right.) , who hated me and used to send me hateful messages because I was taking away her “man”. I must admit that I noticed all the signs from day one and stuck around to find out how really ridiculous he was going to try to be. He hides behind the mask of being a christian. ( we are of the same religion) but my goodness, his fraudulence was so transparent it was unbelievable. I feel sorry for him and the married victim, whom I strongly suspect to be a sociopath and or a victim herself. Of course he is not working and she pays his bills, his mortage, buys groceries, takes him everywhere and most certainly fulfills his sexual needs. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life!! How could women be so silly!!.Well, I got out of that relationship before humpty dumpty could even sit on the wall, further more fall from it. Strange enough I did not know at first that this is what he was until after I left him and saw this meme “if there is chaos and confusion everywhere chances are there is a sociopath at the helm”. So I decided to do some research on the word sociopath. Wow!! he fit it to a tee. One of the reasons why I did not get too deep was because I started accusing him from the first lie. Then when he would ask me for money I would literally always be “broke”. Mind you I was saving for a house, but I never let him into my finances. I caught him red handed in a few compromising situations and boy would he lie!! But I would be screaming my head off at him or send him some really frank messages about what I thought about his lies and disappearances. Then one day, this was still even without knowing about the sociopathic disorder some men have, I just ended it. Walked away and instituted the no contact rule (naturally) because I believe that if you are over, you should not talk for a while. It drove him nuts. He called, he texted. I blocked him. He called me at work. I hung up on him. Then finally after a month , I decided to have a face to face. He blamed me for the break up and told me I totally embarassed him and punked him. He also told me some lie about someone who saw me dating, and then accused me of cheating while I was with him. Ridiculous!! I never denied dating anyone, so to this day he probably still thinks I am. For that I am glad. He also told me about all the grandiose plans he had for the future. My attitude was one of nonchalance and or total disinterest. When I left and he asked for a hug I said no. He sent me whatsapp messages for about two days after that and I just refused to respond. By that time I was bored with his revived interest and just needed him to go away, so I left AGAIN. This time for good. Thankfully I never fell in love or had sex with him, but sometimes I find my self saying out loud. ‘ what a totally ridiculous, lying person”. I would admit I feel to slap him silly. But the best thing that works is to love yourself and even though you may feel the need to find out whether he really loved you, don’t give in to the urge to call or hear him because you want those questions answered. Move on and find a new love as quickly as possible. You are more important than him.He is just a notorious, lying, manipulative, hurt person, who wants to hurt others.

  22. 3DS says:

    Thank you. This really helped me and I’m going to keep rereading it. I suspected my former ex was a psychopath (and I use the term clinically, not to “trash” him.). He was my closest friend who “loved me for years” before we dated, and as soon as we got together, he swiftly changed and began to devalue me. I didn’t even know what was going on as I was medically/cognitively compromised. He eventually left me, citing my newly-acquired disability. He led me to believe he left me for a horrific, life-altering disability that was sudden and that could not be changed, and I was left blaming myself (and with the unchangeable disability.)

    I now am in the phase of “seeing him with the replacement.”. He picked a “replacement” who was an incredibly close variant of myself, looks and interest-wise, who also has medical issues (the reasons he cited for abandoning me.). This disturbed and angered me. Your article has really helped me see that he dropped me quicker because I set up boundaries and was not as vulnerable as others. I will remember this article if I run into him with his new whirlwind paramour.

    One day at a time…

    • 3DS,

      Thank you for sharing. “Your article has really helped me see that he dropped me quicker because I set up boundaries and was not as vulnerable as others.”..

      While this is true to an extent, that psychopaths are less likely to mess with you if you display boundaries, it’s untrue that it always works. Many psychopaths find boundaries a challenge and work to break them down. We don’t usually have just one vulnerability and the psychopath that dumped you for someone else, with the same condition, did so because he found her worth more than your own. In other words, she is willing to give him what you are not.

      Just my perspective and opinion in dealing with psychopaths the majority of my life and survivors for quite awhile now, is that there is just a tinge of ego in there with putting ourselves in a place where “I’m not as vulnerable as others’….aaaahhhh but alas, still vulnerable enough to be taken in by a psychopath…

      Psychopaths create a lot of shame, guilt and humiliation within us when we discover how much we were duped. ALL of us, as survivors then must deal with our own egos when the relationship is over. Recognizing your vulnerabilities is good, but it doesn’t make you less vulnerable than others, it just means you’re aware because where one psychopath was not able to cross enough to KEEP you sucked in, there are plenty of other vulnerabilities that we have that run far deeper…many that we are unaware of. The psychopath brings out the ugly in our egos. Striving to be humble, aware and at peace is where we find healing….and a degree of being humble allows us to keep ourselves safe from the most egotistical individuals on the planet…

  23. Megan says:

    I found this article truly inspiring. When I see some of these comments, I realize that I am not alone. My situation to me doesn’t compare to some of the hardships that these other women have faced, but I will still share mine.

    I’m only 20, but I have already dealt with situations that I never thought I would experience. My relationship only lasted a year, but my ex sped up the process so much that it felt like a lot longer in length. He kept saying his biological clock was ticking to get married. We broke up due to religious reasons even though he claimed I was the best girlfriend ever. He had a lot of issues that didn’t appear until the middle of the relationship. He is 26, but still is latched on by his controlling parents. They saw me as a threat even though we are both Christians. They tried to convert me and when I said no, they gave me the boot. I helped my ex go though difficult times and he takes pills for anxiety. They make him go numb so it was an emotional rollercoaster for me. I felt so hurt because when he brokeup with me over the phone, he had the nerve to say that he truly loved me for the first time. That really messed with my head. A month later he dates a girl, even younger than me and she treats him like dirt. I was trying to be his best friend at the time, and he would talk dirt on his gf. I tried to help him and eventually they breakup three weeks later, but he goes back to her as we are hanging out with hope they will get back together. I felt so used. He then continues to flirt and touch me during our friendship because he claimed I needed emotional support. He hides two other girls that he talked to and would lie to me about hanging out with them. He also kept me a secret to his parents about our friendship. I saw past that because I wanted to do anything to just be there for him. He has been dating a new girl for a month now. She is the same age as me. He is so happy because she is his religion and the parents love her. He says she reminds me of you.. The last time we hung out, his gf calls and demands to know where he is. I hear her on speaker and she knows she is on speaker. He lies and says he is with friends, but he was just with me. She sounded very insecure and rude. I never sound like that. He is calling her the nicknames he called me to calm her down but is rubbing my thigh the whole time maybe in a way to comfort me? I was dead silent the whole time and felt sick to my stomach. I was watching him get caught up in his lies and did nothing about it. When I leave he gives me a very emotional hug like we were still dating. The next week he goes about ignoring me and I finally text him wondering what happened. He says she never wants him talking or seeing me ever again, and that he feels she is worth it. Don’t forget they were dating only a month. I let this ordeal between me and him last for a year and a half because I truly cared about him, and he blows me off yet again. He did this about six times since we broke up and I always came crawling back. He lied to me and used me for my kindness. I gave him everything I had because I am not a selfish person. I texted him and asked him what he was going to do about what his gf demanded and he said I’m not sure. I ended the friendship that day because I couldn’t take it anymore. I have been an emotional mess for a while now and it is my fault because I let it prolong more than it should have. I think about him still confused about if he ever loved me because he was acting so bipolar. I don’t know what was real or fake. This article did help explain things better. I just hope this won’t scar me for the rest of my life. I am afraid to trust any guy now.

  24. Mini says:

    After reading your article I have felt a great deal of relief and stopped putting myself down but I don’t think he’ll let his new victim go. I was seeing someone for 9 months and it was constant mind games. One day I had enough so I ended it via text ( something he does a lot) and the next day he came over to speak to me to see if I was ok. From what I could see it had hurt him pretty badly as he wasn’t happy and chirpy.
    A few days later I found out his dating a girl. We still remained as friends until I could no longer take his sexual innuendo’s and trying to touch me. So I told him to stop. His reaction was I’ll stop talking to you. I’ve not spoken to him for 7 months and yet his past messages on to friends, tried to get my attention or a reaction, walked into my space and I’ve walked away from him. Asks my friends how I am. I’ve deleted & blocked him on my phone and Facebook. Now I hear his girlfriend of 7 months is pregnant and apparently he wants it. Yet his still trying to get my attention and reaction. I have no contact with him nor do I look at him when his near me. He already has 2 kids with someone else who he said tried to trap him by getting pregnant. I thought they get bored? He seems smitten thou to me he looks miserable. Can anyone make sense of this? Is this normal?

    • miniemmii says:

      My question is after reading my story I don’t if you can give me some input?
      Is he seriously happy with this situation? The girlfriend of 7 months is pregnant. Apparently it’s what he wanted and his happy. Yet he wanted to know what I thought?
      Why does he feel the need to know what I think when we don’t speak and I have no time for him. He talk he didn’t wanna talk to me. I didn’t run after him. I was find with it. He regreted saying what he did that he started passing messages on to my friends but go no reaction or reply.
      He’s trying to get my attention and reaction all the time. Of he’s happy and moved on why does keep trying to get my attention. What’s his game? Is he happy with her? Is it only a matter of time before he does it again. Can these kind of men change? Please help. Trying to get on with things but I have these questions buzzing around my head.

      • Anon says:

        I was in a similar situation to you 6 months ago. Broke up with my ex 18 mnths ago after a ‘whirlwind’ romance because I discovered he was not faithful – he moved on very fast to someone new a few months later – she became pregnant within a couple of months. He emailed me when she was 3 months pregnant – saying he “so wished we could have been friends, he missed me, his cheating had really not been that bad…” etc etc – I steered well clear of him, not knowing at that point that his girlfriend was pregnant but just because I didn’t trust him, and it pissed me off that he was trying to make light of what he’d done. Nevertheless I turned myself inside out thinking about the new woman – was she getting all the good stuff without the bad stuff – would he be faithful to her – was it just my faults that drove him away?? Is she just much more fun, or outgoing, than me – does she have more friends, is she more confident…?? From superficial appearances she seemed like a perfect match for him – intelligent, beautiful, similar interests… Deep down I knew that there was something really wrong with him and the way he did things though, and I knew I could never have stayed in that relationship after what he did. Now they’re engaged and their baby is six months old. And just a few days ago I finally decide to try online dating again, so I log on and fix up my profile – and guess who pops up as someone who I’m matched with. He has an active profile, there’s a baby carrier on the floor in the corner of his profile photo. The moral of this story is…. they really really don’t change… they need more attention than one woman can give them. My ex seemed so so loving early on but he doesn’t really love in a meaningful way. Addiction and infatuation aren’t love. I feel lucky that I can walk away from this man. She isn’t so lucky. Please give yourself the love you want from him. Pour all that energy into the world and doing things you love, rather than into a man who lacks integrity. In many ways it’s more work to do that, to tap into your own energy and live through yourself, not a man and his problems, but hopefully it’s more rewarding.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Hi, Great article. Same old story for me but I exposed my narcissist. I was in a relationship with a guy that was “just” out of a 17 year relationship with a woman. He pursued me and was always accessible and kept saying how it was part of his nature that he had to give himself fully to a relationship and do everything for the person. I acknowledged a few times to him that he was very needy and needed to not rush into things (HIs father had abandoned the family). I kept ending the relationship which, in retrospect, induced alot of narcissistic injury. Anyway one day he didn’t answer my call which was uncharacteristic and told me that he was out with Peter and that they were getting to know each other. I didn’t like his approach so told him that if he wanted to get to know this guy then it was better for us to part and to move on with his life. He tried to call me and I didn’t answer. He was not happy but switched me off instantly. I could detect an immediate freeze. We met mutual friends at a meal a week later and he was frosty and distant and kept texting his new flame during the meal. He was gone. I dodged a bullet before the devaluation stage. Immediately he has taken up with his new partner who is a very dark personality and suddenly my ex starts to ignore other people that he knew and became very morose. I was struck by how you mentioned they morph into their new persona. He updated his facebook page immediately with pictures they had taken together, updated his favourite tv shows to reflect what his new partner watched. It was risible in a way. He is a total child. He then started to tell me that he preferred me and wanted us to recommence our relationship, that I was so intelligent and easy to talk to. I was willing to go back. He was due to attend a wedding abroad in 2 weeks time and for the preceding 2 weeks he ignored my messages, devalued me to the new partner (who, oddly, he wasn’t ending the relationship with) and would send me a ‘I’m thinking of you xxx’ message every few days. the night before his holiday he dined me and told me he loved me and wasgoing to end it with the new guy. He called me from the airport, messaged me also from the plane telling me how much he loved me. Then for the next 2 weeks he ignored all messages from me despite knowing that I was feeling very insecure. To make a long story short he went on holidays with the new partner, I turned up at the airport and exposed him. He ran off and contacted me 5 days later to meet up. I instigated no contact immediately and when he called I answered, he requested a face to face meeting and I said goodbye and hung up. This guy was a pathological liar and I am so glad I dodged a bullet but the extermination phase seems so protracted. He is in my head all the time and I wonder if he is missing me etc.. I know that his preoccupation is with retaining the new partner but I still mitigate his misdeeds. It does get easier but they are insidious creatures who infiltrate our minds. He parades around with his new partner and it is hurtful but as you said – I need to be mindful of the complete picture and this new partner is destined for devastation. There were red flags, flashes of inconsistencies and overwrought sentiments that I pulled him up on for their overly sentimental nature “they are such dear friends” (even though he trashed them earlier). This man is defective and he will end up alone after going through a series of relationships. I was so dumbfounded that he turned so cold and detached from other people but I believe he has firmly adopted his new partner’s persona and everyone finds him dour and morose. These narcissists are so weird. I still cannot get my head around their lunacy.
    I have read so many articles on N disorder to equip myself with knowledge but yours was the best. I was especially reassured by your confidence that the new relationship will not work. I don’t know if it is because he seriously downgraded or because our time together was one big lie but the disloyalty and devaluing has hurt me the most. Now I choose to see the stark reality and I am the healthy person and he is toxic to the core. I do eventually want to have a “talk” with him and calmly humiliate him with my insights but I believe that in time I will not even care enough to trouble myself to discuss his pathology with him. Thanks for your article. You help people a lot.

    • miniemmii says:

      Sometimes you have all these things you wanna say. When the time comes you look at the person and think he/she is not worthy of your time or words. Your far better off not saying anything as they would have the satisfaction of knowing they hurt you. I’m right at a point were I’m walking away and it’s hard. What he did was so wrong that now I look at him I feel sorry for him as he is a disturbed person and unhappy. I would never want to be him. He’s girlfriend of 7 months is pregnant and I do wonder will it last? Is he happy? Is this what he wants? Yet his still trying to get my attention. Now we know what these evil people are like we can be wiser the next time.

      • Minie,

        The question you ask, is one of repetition via your comments, so I’ll just address them in one comment in response:

        1. His GF is pregnant and you wonder will it last. A universal question of most survivors when they still do not understand the psychopath/narcissist. If it does ‘last’ it has no meaning. These individuals have no capacity for empathy, so even if he remains with her, there will be many others on the side. I’ve not met ONE survivor whose partner was faithful. NOT. ONE. This is because of that lack of empathy. Without conscience or an ability to care, people in their lives are merely chess pieces to be moved about their game board in life. Everything to them is about a GAME, you see..but when you have empathy and conscience, we tend to project that onto the pathological person as if they are capable of what we are emotionally when they are not. So again, even if he ‘stays’ with her, he is not really ‘with’ her. count your blessings.

        He’s trying to get your attention not because he gives two shits about you (they never do) but because it’s a GAME…he’s baiting, not caring, not wondering about you in an emotional longing way…he’s a predator Minie, and this is what human predators do. If you were to give a reaction, he would likely consider it mission accomplished, or ‘play’ with your emotions, sadistically, in an effort to harm you further. Psychopaths/narcissists LOVE to watch you WRITHE in pain, self doubt and desperate NEED….it gives them power.

        This is a great time, to work on you What did he exploit in you that allowed him into your life? Were you lonely? Were you actively looking for a relationship? Giving some thought, time in reflection can really help guide you in the future with other relationships. Wisdom comes with awareness…working on yourself, being alone for awhile, will help you understand YOU more…and will also help alleviate any questions about HIM in your mind because inevitably, he will be a lesson to learn from….if you let it.

      • miniemmii says:

        Thank for your reply back. I’m sorry I went on. Lol I felt I need to release my anger and I did it thru this. So apologises again.
        You make so much sense and yes I do feel like I’ve had a lucky escape. I’ve never come across men like this before and so it’s quite hard to understand the nature of his behaviour and also an alcoholic too. I admit I’m very guarded and can be quite cold but that’s due to not wanting to get hurt. Nor will I share my thoughts or weakness with him.
        Does karma exist? Do they never get hurt? I did exactly what he does to the women his been with. Dump them via text and then ignore them. Until he feels he wants to talk to them. I found this out when I was seeing him. In the end what happens to these types of people? This game he is playing well his playing with himself. He’s made my stomach turn finding out this GF fell pregnant while they were only together for 4 months. He’d like to see him hurt. Maybe it’s horrible to say it but I hoped that somehow I’ve really got to him and that he can’t do nothing about it as his not in control no longer. Cuz I won’t take none of his crap and have walked away. I hope there is karma.

      • Minie

        How did you meet your psychopath? Under what circumstances? I think it’s really, really important to address where YOUR vulnerabilities are…

        It’s hard to imagine someone like this if you’ve never run across them. Our egos are bruised and we want revenge.

        The truth is, because psychopaths lack empathy, conscience, insight, guilt, shame, they do not have ‘regret’ about relationships or choices in their lives. It’s all a game to them. No one ‘gets’ to them, even if they’re dumped, eventually they move on to the next victim. I feel sorry for this girl he has impregnated. What does it tell you about his commitment to her if he’s so ‘curious’ about what you’re doing? It’s very tempting to ‘play the game’ with them, but in a word, DON’T. Many survivors are so angry they want to ‘outdo’ the pathological one. The reality is that you CAN’T. They will outdo you every single time you engage because, to put it simply, you don’t THINK the way they do. You feel, they THINK. They are constantly strategizing their next move. The karma, for them, is that they will never know what it is to love, to have peace, ever. They’ll spend their entire lives chasing their power addiction. They will ruin many more along the way.

        While you averted disaster, obsessing on what happens to him or his karma prevents you from looking at why you hooked up with this man in the first place, you know? Asking yourself these questions is really, really important NOW, so that you can try your best to avoid it in the future. He already KNOWS what your vulnerabilities are. If he did not, he would not have been in relationship with you in the first place. He was able to get into your life and beyond your pretenses in not wanting to get hurt, because inevitably, he did just that. Psychopaths are excellent in honing in on our vulnerabilities. They exploit them mercilessly. Most of the time, in the beginning, we’re offering them all the information about ourselves that they NEED to manipulate you further into the relationship. I question how well you’re able to self protect if a psychopath can make it into your life. Just some things that are important in understanding how and why this happened…

      • miniemmii says:

        You ask how I met him and under what circumstances.
        He works at the gym and we just be came friends. I never told him too much about myself apart from when my dad had a heart attack. He saw the state I was in and just wouldn’t leave me alone. We started talked about life,general thing & relationship and I told him that because I’ve been out of the dating game for so long I didn’t wanna rush into anything with anyone.
        He told my friend he found me attractive and would like to spend some time with me outside the gym. I thought why not. Nothing to lose.
        We started seeing each other. It got to a point were I felt suffocated so I started distancing myself from him as he kept wanting to see me all the time and questioned me when I went out. He’d ask if I’d slept with anyone else? If I thought he had a nice body? if he still did it for me? If I didn’t answer a text he’d keep going on about it. He even asked if I’d told my friends about him as he’d told everyone about us. I said no as I didn’t feel it was right to say anything as it was too soon. He start playing mind games by looking at other girls to see if I’d react and I would say go on ask her out. He’d be really cold and ignore me one day and the next all over me. If he saw me talking to a guy he’d be straight on the phone texting me. One day he text me a message in Spanish saying I love you. When I questioned him on it he’d ask if I found it funny and laughed it off. He never answered the question just turned red and kept cuddling me. This was constant. To point were I just had enough and ended it via text and his reply back to my text was, I was going to suggest it as your too much of a nice girl to be messed about with. Week later his with this new gf. Even after that he still would reminisce about the times I’d come over and spend time with him. What we did and if I remembered it. I’d say I don’t remember pointless things.
        Now he’ll just make comments to see if I react or come and stand near me and I just turn my back and walk away. I’ve not looked at him for so long that I can’t remember what he looks like. Even the pregnancy thing he wanted to know what I feel. It doesn’t matter what I think but to him it did. My reaction was I’m not surprised and I said that to his friend. Since then which is about a week ago his stayed away.
        Your right about the love thing cuz I told him that just before I ended it. I said you rush things and that’s why you don’t know what love is and you never will. When you do meet someone really nice she’s gonna see right thru you and tell you I don’t wanna know. He said that would never happen. Hmmmm?!!!
        Do you feel by the comment I made he will finally end this stupid game? It’s silly and pointless as his not getting anywhere with it but making me stronger. I don’t feel the need to talk to him at all.

      • Minie

        “I never told him too much about myself apart from when my dad had a heart attack. He saw the state I was in and just wouldn’t leave me alone”

        Unless you are without empathy too, your father’s heart attack would leave a HUGE vulnerability…..he saw the ‘state’ you were in, PRECISELY. And that’s when he made his move to get in and he did. If we don’t pay attention to our vulnerabilities or think we aren’t sending out radar that shows what our vulnerabilities are, we are not being honest with ourselves. you are subject to pain and to psychopath’s like anyone else is, but the key to avoiding them is to understand yourself thoroughly, including your vulnerabilities. It can be anything from loneliness, to the death of a pet. ANYTHING can allow the psychopath entrance into our lives. Sometimes, we give the information in passing without recognizing that we just gave away an intimate part of ourselves. Your father’s heart attack was one of those moments.

        If you don’t feel the need to talk to him at all, then don’t. At all. Turn and walk away like you did, don’t answer his texts, phone calls or discuss him with anyone he knows. Soon enough he’ll get bored and move on to target someone else.

      • miniemmii says:

        Yes my dad’s heart attack was a way in but that door is closed now. His ok and healthy. To be honest I would have thought he’d have got the msg that I’m not interested in him and his personal business. I don’t ask about him and nor do I look at him.
        This has been going on for more than 8 months. I would have thought he would be happy with his new found toy who’s pregnant. Thou it’s his third child and her second child. The father of her first child walked out on her as she pulled the same trick by getting pregnant within a few months of dating.
        Does he not realise there’s no GAMES with me? Why does he feel the need to keep trying now. I’ve been quite direct and said I have no interest in him as he doesn’t concern me and nor do I want to know anything about him and would not touch him or want him as a friend as that boat sailed a long time ago.
        Yet his asking my friends if I’m ok? If I’m with someone? What I’m doing with myself? The reply he gets back is I’m good. Nothing more.
        When do you think the penny will finally drop and will stop this nonsense? Whats point is he trying to prove as his not got anything to prove anymore as I’m no longer on the picture. Shouldn’t his time be spent on his gf who’s 14 weeks gone? His clearly not happy and yet he tries to prove he is.
        He’s seems like he has too much time to be trying to get a reaction.

      • Minie,

        I have one question for you that I hope you’ll consider.

        If this man is so unimportant to you and you’re not concerned with him, why the questions about him, the obsession about why he’s doing this and the new gf and her life, etc? Do you see what I’m getting at here?

        I sense a little bit of denial on your part as to your lack of interest or investment in him, given the continued discussion of him.

        Can you give some thought to that and perhaps ponder what it is that keeps you so interested in why he is or isn’t doing this or that because if it really didn’t matter, honey, you wouldn’t BE here asking and discussing…

      • miniemmii says:

        It goes back to karma. I’m finding it hard to find love again and yet he has it fallen on to his lap.
        It angers me that there’s no justice!!!
        I remember a male friend of mine saying good guys never get a chance!!
        The nice girls always get hurt and never can see it coming.
        I’m not obsessed with him, it more a case of seeing that smirk wiped off his face.
        To inflict hurt to someone for no reason. He deserves it back. Knowing he’ll never know what love is isn’t enough. His going around destroying women. It’s also about closure for me too. I’ll never speak to him so I can’t understand things and writing my thoughts and feelings help me get a better understanding. That’s why I’m asking. I did have an obsession with him before but now it’s just understanding these type of men. I’ve been very lucky not to come across men like him till now. Sorry for questions but I feel with your knowledge you could help me put those questions to bed and so I can move on and stop pestering you too. Lol

      • Minie

        You’re not pestering. Not all your understanding can come from me. It has to be resolved within you. So the following are things that you can do to help you understand it more, but it will take effort on your part because believe it not, not all of this his HIM, it’s YOU too.

        Let me explain….

        1. He will not change and you may never see justice. I’ve only had a few survivors who have seen ‘justice’ at all and they were in their relationships for many years, not months. Psychopaths are incapable of reflection, of insight, of feeling guilt, remorse or regret. One of the most painful things we have to face about ourselves after these relationships are over, is that we got DUPED. At this point you can’t change that and any ‘revenge’ you think you could get, will GREATLY disappoint and anger you further because a psychopath does NOT suffer in the way you wish he could or would, it’s not possible because they lack the empathy that requires this. It won’t happen, so it’s about ACCEPTING that he got you.

        2. Examine WHY you allowed this man into your life. And no I’m not talking about on a superficial level, I’m talking about DEPTH. What this means is that we all have EGOS and they get very bruised in relationships with these men. Part of what you’re sharing, I think is coming from wounded ego. If you’re resistant to NOT looking at the your vulnerabilities and can’t drop the ‘I’m closed for business and no one can get through because I wont’ allow it’ facade (because HE DID), you’re chances of understanding WHY this happened are reduced to zero.

        When we pontificate about how strong we are, how tough we are, repeatedly, this IS showing your vulnerability. You’re saying, “I won’t get hurt, I won’t allow anyone to hurt me!” but in doing that and behaving that way, you’re easy to read for a psychopath. They’re going to know, that you are INDEED vulnerable to hurt because you express it, and you give the impression that you behave this way too, but that is NOT what is coming across to me.

        Your father’s heart attack, even if he’s okay, was still a vulnerability. Your reactions to the FEAR of getting hurt and this tough girl stuff, is a vulnerability whether you’re aware of it or not, this comes across too.

        3. You must be honest with yourself. NONE of this, in the end, is really ABOUT him because you can do nothing about him now. He is gone with someone else and that is that. I see the ruminating still there, because if you understood what psychopaths are and do, you’re recognize that he CAN”T be ‘happy’ in his new relationship, not in the sense that you’re seeing and believing it to be. Those are IMAGES, they are not REAL. This is about you and why this man was allowed to get past the wall you think you have going up, but really, it’s plain as day to see.

        If he’s going around destroying women, it’s not your job, nor your business now, to stop it. They will always have victims, just like you were. We often forget when we’re in the throws of the aftermath when the relationship is over, that WE were victims TOO and that WE were vulnerable and that WE allowed this into our lives. You can’t fix HIM, you can only fix YOU.

        Take him completely out of the picture now.

        What does it look like if you say not one more word about HIM, but talk more about YOU and how he got past the wall, because THERE is where you will find your answers Minie and THERE is where you’ll be able to build TRUE resistance to another psychopath when you understand and have CLEAR awareness as to your vulnerabilities. You’re a human being. You cannot get through life without having vulnerabilities,we ALL have them, but we have to figure out how to reclaim ourselves and our humanity and EMBRACE the good AND the bad. The more you understand about yourself, Minie the better off you will be now and into the future. :)

      • miniemmii says:

        Thank you for taking time to help me understand this situation.
        Yes you are totally right, it’s hard to admit but I was duped! I thought as a strong tough cookie no one could get in. He got in without me realising it. I thought being guarded showed that I was strong and wasn’t vulnerable but I was wrong and it did the opposite.
        After having a good think I let him as it’s been over 5 years since I’ve met anyone I really wanted in my life and I felt comfortable with him. I could see how popular he was with the ladies and to me it was an ego boost to see if I could get him with all these girls chasing him. After reading your comment a few times I can honestly say I let him in as I’ve always been the one who looks after my family. Even thou I’m the youngest of five I look after everyone in the house. They all turn to me. There’s not been anyone for me since my dad had the heart attack. No one to ask me if I was ok? Give me cuddle, just be there to talk to me. He took complete advantage of it as he knew that. He’d see how I was all the time. When I went to see him I forgot about things at home and enjoyed laughing and talking to him about silly things.
        I don’t want revenge as it’s not going to help me. Reading your comment it’s true it’s pointless and damaging to me. I’m not a nasty person. I was doing really well until I heard about the pregnancy and that just brought back my anger towards him otherwise when I saw him I had nothing against him and carried on with life and acted like I didn’t know he even when he tried his silly games it didn’t bother me.
        I see the good which I’ve learnt that there are some very sick and vile people that like playing games. How to look out for them.
        On the bad I had to get hurt to see these kind of people.
        His taken my happiness for months and I’m not going to allow him to do no longer. I’m going away soon. Hopefully I’ll come back with a clear mind.
        As usual I do have questions out of curiosity ..
        How do you know when or if they are suffering?
        Why has he stayed so long with his gf and not found his new target?
        From what I’ve heard this was when he started dating her that she’s controlling and manipulative too. She’s changed his fb status and pic.
        I have no access to his fb or anything else as I’ve blocked him.
        Do they not realise that people can see thru the images he’s creating?
        When he’s said to someone, he said he wanted it? I’m talking about the baby. Is that really what they mean!
        When his friend said his apparently happy? What does that really mean?!
        This is for future reference. As when these psychopaths say these things to friends what are they really trying to say?
        Thank you again for helping me thru this hard time. I will start to think about me and me only. I know I’ve asked you a few questions. Once you’ve answered them I can put this to bed.
        Horrible people and I hope you also never have to come across these kind of people again!
        Thanks my guidance :0)

  26. miniemmii says:

    My question is after reading my story I don’t if you or anyone can give me some input?
    Is he seriously happy with this situation? The girlfriend of 7 months is pregnant. Apparently it’s what he wanted and his happy. Yet he wanted to know what I thought?
    Why does he feel the need to know what I think when we don’t speak and I have no time for him. I dumped him. He talk he didn’t wanna talk to me. I didn’t run after him. I was fine with it. He regreted saying what he did that he started passing messages on to my friends but got no reaction or reply.
    He’s trying to get my attention and reaction all the time. If he’s happy and moved on why does keep trying to get my attention. What’s his game? Is he happy with her? Is it only a matter of time before he does it again. Can these kind of men change? Please help. Trying to get on with things but I have these questions buzzing around my head.

  27. elisealencar says:

    Is there any possibility that a person who had a previous relationship with a psychopath start to act like one in future relationships?
    I broke up with a girl who was very manipulative, narcisistic and lacked empathy for anyone. One of the main reasons, despite the lies, cheating, distance etc, I ended it was her ex girlfriend. She sunddely showed up, started to send her messages, even wrote down a letter for her pleading for forgiveness…I felt so angry and sad because my now (ex) girlfriend seemed to actually CARE because she answered her. She said to me it was over but I couldn’t believe…I feel used. I don’t know if she made up all that or she used it to make me go insane and give up the relationship. Im devastaded.

    P.s.: sorry about the bad english

    • elisealencar,

      I think it’s very difficult for someone who isn’t a true psychopath, to act like one. In other words, the way these people think and their lack of empathy, makes it impossible to make this shit up as you go. You either have empathy or you don’t. I realize that’s black and white, but to provide a bit of gray area, there are people that suffer from a ‘suspension of conscience’. These are folks who have empathy, but are presently unaware that their acting out behavior is causing problems to themselves or others. For example, prior to awareness for me, I was involved with someone who was married, my last psychopath. I was so hooked into the relationship, I didn’t care who I hurt at the time, although I felt mega amounts of guilt for what I was doing. My ‘addiction’ to HIM prevented any ounce of empathy to appear for anyone who was hurt by our relationship. I JUSTIFIED my own behavior so I could continue. NOW that is quite different, how I feel and that I have the insight to see my involvement and the pain I carry that I caused or allowed so much damage and pain to others. Psychopaths, narcissist, sociopaths, however you wish to term them, do NOT have that capability at all. Ever. They can ‘pretend’ to care, but that’s as far as it goes. If this girl was narcissistic, lacking in empathy and very manipulative, it’s highly likely that what you were seeing is exactly what she is and that it does NOT change, only the victims do. It’s obvious to me from what you’ve written that her ex has NO idea what or who she is, all the better for the disordered one to further exploit.

  28. Nina says:

    Hi Christine,

    Your post moved me. I recognised a lot. After a what seemed like a beautiful time together, my spath dumped me without any explanation as well. First he just went off the radar for weeks (and was later angry that I so called ‘stalked’ him) and then all I after that was one phone call of 5 mins (only because I persevered in getting an explanation) in which he was unbelievably harsh and cold and accused me of lots of things.

    I was shocked at the time, but after reading so much about it on this site and others, this is textbook psychopath behaviour. Isn’t it astonishing how we all have dated the same person??

    The reason they refuse you an explanation is because they have done bad things (cheating) and don’t want to own up to that. They cannot say: I did something wrong. They miss introspection anyway, and everything is about his ego. And they don’t care about you. They don’t care that you are left wondering what happened, go ‘crazy’ for not knowing. They have no empathy. And they themselves would not feel that desperation or pain either, they would just move on, to the next target, source of supply. They are just another specimen, another kind of creature.

    There is no winning here. I did not win, the girls he dumped me for did not win, the girl he is with now for 2,5 years but on whom he cheats on numerously did not win either. It might look like he wins now. But at the end of his life, when he will look back on a graveyard of relationships, and never has connected with anyone, he certainly won’t have won!! After all, I strongly believe in what one of the characters says in the beautiful movie ‘A single man': the only thing really worthwhile in this life is truly connecting with another soul.
    Would you not agree that this is what gives you energy? For me it’s the most important source of energy. But psychopaths don’t have that. They are merely capable of using other ppl, feeling like a winner when they succeed in it, feel content or feel discontent. That’s about it. How sad is that? These ppl have a brain with a disease, they are not healthy people. Staying away from them is always best! They are different species, more like reptiles, very very dangerous and they play by a whole different set of ‘rules’…

    Not sure which nationality you are, but I was intrigued by the latest news about Charles Saatchi and Trinny Woodall. He is obviously a spath, and now the same things that happened with Nigella are happening to Trinny… Another thing is: they never ever ever change!

    • Nina,

      Welcome and thank you for your comment.

      What I find even more fascinating is how we, as empathic people, project our own perceptions and feelings on to those with NO ability whatsoever to do the same.

      I saw something in your comment that had me seeing this projection, even in the smallest of ways. I believe this comes from us because we so desperately need to believe that there is some sort of karma for what was done to us…..

      They aren’t capable of a second of introspection. This spath of yours will NOT look back at the end of his life and think, “Wow, what a DUMBASS I was and look at all the emotional carcasses I left behind! WOAH IS ME!” Nope. They don’t do that either. No remorse, no regret. No empathy. NO capability for introspection, retrospection, insight, nada, never, EVER going to happen.

      My psychopathic father is now in his mid 70’s. He is just as emotionally and psychologically ruthless as he’s always been. It’s still a GAME for them. ALWAYS. Unless there is something in it for THEM, you are nothing more than a game piece. Even into old age, they do not care. They do not reflect.

      This is very, very difficult for survivors to wrap their minds around after what was initially a whirlwind. This is very difficult, even for me, as a child of a pathological, to believe that an individual is not capable of love for their own child, but only HATE.

      We will never see justice in the way that we sometimes wish. Even if we do see what we might PERCEIVE as justice, psychopaths see it as merely another game to play. Another challenge.

      That’s why it’s so critical for us to be aware of our vulnerabilities, good AND bad, as well as having personal boundaries. That’s very difficult for an especially empathic or sensitive person, but learn we must….because it’s soooo easy to be taken in again.

      I wish you peace.

    • Christine says:

      Nina,

      Thank you for commenting on my post. Although I have been out of the relationship for two years now, I can honestly say that I still have good days and bad days. Sometimes my bad days can last weeks and I know it is because sometimes I still have a hard time with the fact that I was duped he got me, etc. You see, I have this problem because I had been friends with him for so many years prior to, I had always been good to his kids, helping them with school etc. He could have chosen anyone else to be his victim. What I don’t understand is why me? That’s the part that I find so cruel. Don’t mess with someone that has been so good to you and your family. But then after I read these posts, it makes sense. Of course I was going to be his victim. I was such an easy target for him! It is really bothersome when you consider yourself intelligent and then someone is able to manipulate you so easily! There were red flags all over the place, I simply chose to ignore them. Now I see clearly, everything that was said and done were all very well calculated. That’s the part that I still need to work on and get passed. With therapy, I am slowly coming along, but it is taking a very long time and I know it is because there are some days when I still doubt that he is a narcassist even though all the evidence slaps me in the face on a daily basis!

      When I read posts about a narcassist not truly being happy within and when they say or show you that they are very happy, it is all an act or image they want to portray, it can still be difficult for me to comprehend. I can’t seem to wrap my head around that sometimes. Maybe it’s because I don’t think like a narcassist so I don’t really get it, at least not yet. I know I will get through this. I know there will come a day when I look back on this mess and say to myself, wow, look at how strong I am, look at everything I was able to get through, and look at where I am today. I know that day will come. I am a little impatient and want the day to be today but I guess I still have work to do on myself.

      As for wanting karma to hit these ppl hard and for me to have the pleasure of witnessing it, I will not lie. I do want to be there to witness it. I do want my ex narcassist to have a string of failed relationships but only so that I continue to have validation that this man is in fact a very sick man! Ppl on some of the posts I read talk about revenge. I am not going to stoop to his level. I want nothing to do with him. Sooner or later he will encounter someone that will seek revenge on him. And, I know it would do nothing to him. They don’t feel like we do.

      Right now my ex narcassist knows that I know the man behind the mask. He is worried that I will expose him to his fiancé. I won’t, but let him think that who cares. I feel sorry for his fiancé because I know what is coming. All of my knowledge about the topic has made it so easy to determine every move that sick man is going to make before he makes it and that actually helps me look at him as less of a man. He is pathetic to me and that’s a good thing. I am proud of myself when I realize that I have no urge to talk to him, see him, contact him or even hear from him. That’s great progress for me! I still have a lot of work, but I know I’m heading in the right direction. Just like every other hardship, with time, this too shall pass!

      But hey, I will not lie, having more and more ppl figure out who he truly is would be the icing on the cake for me lol.

  29. Nina says:

    Hey Kelli,
    Thanks for your reply! I think you misunderstood me, bc like you I don’t think they regret anything. When I say ‘graveyard of relationships’ I mean that from my point of view. I’m sure my ex would see it very different. He would smirk I think for what a playboy he is/was, how popular he was/is with women… Or at the very best he would acknowledge that relationships are hard, but he always tried to be faithful, and how can it be his fault if after a few years the passion dies… No more can be expected. I agree completely with you. No remorse, no empathy, no regrets, no introspection, nothing, nada, niente…

    And yes, this is very hard to comprehend. Us empaths have empathy, introspection, remorse etc in abundance. It’s beyond anything that they have zero of it. Yet it is the truth. That’s why I say they are a different kind of creature, another animal on this earth.

    I posted here lots about a year ago… But the 3 years anniversary of meeting my spath led me to some reminiscing and also thinking about spaths again… :)

    Great to see you still run this site!

  30. miniemmii says:

    With the way these pyschopaths behave how do you know when they are suffering? As they are so good at playing games.
    Why has he stayed so long with his gf and not found his new target? I thought these pyschopaths tend to have a short attention span.
    You said you your reply that his creating images about this perfect relationship.
    Do he not realise that people can see thru the images he’s creating?
    When he’s said to someone, he said he wanted it? I’m talking about the baby. Is that really what they mean!
    When his friend said his apparently happy? What does that really mean?!
    This is for future reference out of curiosity. As when these psychopaths say these things to friends what are they really trying to say?
    Thank you again for helping me thru this hard time. I will start to think about me and me only. I know I’ve asked you a few questions. Once you’ve answered them I can put this to bed.

    • Minie,

      I can’t answer the same questions I’ve already answered. There is so much information here and on other sites too and perhaps reading more or repetitively will help you clarify it for yourself.

      But in reality, until you understand what it MEANS in that these people are simply not capable of any normality, other than what it takes to manipulate others, I’m just repeating myself. Until you’re ready to work on you and to deal with WHY this individual was let into your life and let go of the fact that you were duped, there isn’t much more I can do for you. This is a process and it takes a long time. We each travel at different speeds.

      Keep reading.

  31. Summer says:

    I’m going through the same exact thing. We are both in the Army National Guard and we both shipped off from AIT together, and we went to RSP together for two years. We didn’t start really talking until the night of when we were shipping off and didn’t start really talking until a week or two after I came back from AIT. I got out of a relationship with my previous ex while I was in training so I could say I was vulnerable. He asked me out to a fair that Friday and I agreed to it because it didn’t seem like there was any harm just go out on a small date. After I accepted the invitation we started texting back and forth all night until he had to go to work at 6 in the morning. It was kind of flattering that he stayed up with me that late and he kept saying he didn’t want to sleep, blah blah. He would call me on his breaks and I thought it was really adorable and funny. Our first date was Wednesday because he said he wanted to meet me sooner then that so he picked me up for a movie. Well, the first thing he did was had me meet everyone is his family. Brother, sisters, mom, dad and etc. I thought it was a little too fast because I was kind of trying to just meet him. But, afterwards we went to the movies and spent time together at his sister’s house afterwards. Then after that, I went to go meet his friend and since it was cold, I agreed to just cuddle in a chair with him and his friend kept repeating that we should totally date and that my Ex-Narc was a good guy and everything. Then, he took me to a lake and he asked me if I wanted a relationship then. I said no and that was that. He took me home and I forgot to give him back his sweaters so I saw him the Friday of the fair when he came to pick me up. Well, we went to the fair and that night while we were trying to find his car, he grabbed me and kissed me! Well, yeah. I thought it was awkward, but I didn’t rebel. Yeah, I know. I fell fast. That night we did the nasty and he asked me if I we were in a relationship, blah blah. I said yes and it was on FB like two seconds afterwards! This guy must be really into me, showing me that cared. Texting me these long paragraphs about how he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. How he is looking for a long-term relationship as well and how much he loves me, I never felt like this before! Blah, blah blah. I fell for it. I did. He would show me off to everyone, his friends, co-workers. He kept taking me out on dates to the most nicest places and he would drive an hour back and forth to come pick me up. So, I thought he was the one. When he told me he was trying to find a gift for me for Christmas, I told him no jewelry. Guess what he bought me? A necklace. Valentines Day, a half of a heart that had his name on it and the date we got together and he had the other piece that had my name on it. I thought it was really meant to be. When I would get mad at him or tell him I needed space. He would cry and cry and then he would find other ways to talk to me. Like FB, if I wouldn’t respond to texting. But, it started going down like this. I started wanting to break up with him because there was something not right about him. He would be distant with me, not talk to me and make some random excuse as of why. I kept trying to get myself out of that situation but like a few hours later or even a day later. I see myself going back because he would say that I wasn’t fighting for the relationship when he wasn’t the one doing it. Making all the guilty trip towards me! It was so annoying. He was becoming slowly, slowly.. but surely withdrawn. We would play a computer game online together that he was obsessed with and that I was obsessed with. But, when it started to get nicer out, he started to distant more. I couldn’t be there 24/7, I lived an hour away. He would also never hold my head in public anymore or do anything to show his affection outside of the bedroom or when no one was looking. It made me cry.. I was so distraught. Finally, after my last week with him. We gave each other’s dog tag back because he asked for it, I found a dating app on his phone..he said the app must have download with another one. I cried and he just fell asleep on me. Then finally after I left. Things just started to get more distant.. I had the courage to say that if he didn’t change that I am cutting off the relationship. He told me not to worry. But, then it was a week later. He went to a party and was still texting me that he loved me and was thinking about me. Next day, he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now maybe later. Didn’t text me at all. Was FBing and on his mobile at the time! I messaged him and he kept saying. “See, this is what I am talking about. My family is falling apart and I’m focusing on my job and family. HOW DARE YOU!” It made me feel bad.. Then I searched for answers and one of my friends told me that yes, there was someone else and it was a girl he was seeing at the party and possibly before. I met her once when I went to the lake with him and his friends and she got my ex-Narc’s friend to cheat on his girlfriend with her. He told tell me that she was a whore and blah blah. Then, I figured out they were hanging out before the party, making out at the party… laughing together. My whole world fell apart. I confronted him and he just pulled the friends card. ”I have no feelings, let’s be friends.” I begged, complimented him about his characteristics and begged. But, he said no. He wouldn’t let me come see him, or phone him. Every time I called, he just let it ring. After I told him I was walking away and I tried to beg one more time.. I went into NC and that day later. He went into a relationship with this girl and flaunts it on FB on how he’s so happy, it’s his life. Blah, blah. She does the same. A lot of people know he messed up though. Even his friends, his friends are my friends still. So, he didn’t get to degrade me to his friends like he wanted to. At the first of the relationship, he degraded his ex pretty bad on the first date as well. Everything was bad, how she stalked him, didn’t let him do anything. I believed it. He has a big ego and his communication sucks. I missed the warning signs because I thought it was just a phase because of troubles in his lives. I was devalued and discarded. I didn’t see it in the beginning. Now, I do. But, the pain is inevitable even if I know that it was all an illusion..

  32. Cw says:

    My ex surprise left me and our 5year old son in 2005. I was devastated. It’s been 9 years and I still suffer from anxiety, depression and fear. I don’t know if I’ll ever cope. He married his new woman 6 weeks after our divorce was final. Treated me horribly, which was so difficult, because he had never done that before. He was a very quiet and gentle man, but never communicated and got bored very easily. We neither one had a large family, so it was usually just us. I noticed on the weekends, he nearly climbed the walls from boredom. He always had to be either buying something or wanted to go on a trip. He could never find anything to do at home. Me , I loved being home and could find all kinds of things I enjoyed. One morning he woke up, told me he didn’t love me anymore and stated all the lame reasons and walked out the door, with me pleading, crying and begging. I was blindsided. I still relive it like it was yesterday. I try not to, but it just happens. I feel sometimes as though I have PTSD. The woman he married, he is still married to. She has a huge family and extended family that all get together and have a blast. They all took him in as their own and call him “son”, cousin, grandpa , etc. I feel so crushed and inadequate that I did not have a large family that loved him like his new wife’s family does. I could never compete. I feel so lost and sad. He never looked back and rarely sees our son. I see on FB that he always has his arm around her kids, grandkids, and he just bought his mother in law a new car. When he left us, he would not even make any payments on our car to help me get on my feet. My self esteem is so low that I can barely motivate through the day. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him. I wish I could. I need help so badly.

    • miniemmii says:

      I hope you remember my story? Fingers cross you do.
      After taking time out and getting on with my life I’m doing pretty good, however the evil one keeps coming into my shape and tries to get my attention. So far I’ve kept a dignified silence but now I feel like his really starting to push me into making a comment to a mutual friend of ours.
      Each time my friend friend is there he stares and laughs and keeps trying to look over to see if I’ll notice. Today I was talking to a friend and again he did the same thing but this time he was coming towards me to say something but stopped.
      I just don’t get why after 9 months he still can’t leave me alone???? He’s got a baby on the way and plenty of other women to toy with.
      I don’t acknowledge him nor do I react I just get on with things. As I remember you said he’d get bored and leave me alone. I just want him to go away and play happy families with his girlfriend. Help me please. I don’t want to say anything as I know it would give him the upper hand.

  33. Brianna says:

    This was a great article

  34. life long victim says:

    After 40 years of marriage/bliss/abuse I am only now realising my husband has all along been this psychopath! The declarations of love and attention were only means to keep the appearance of good husband and me believing we were a couple. The dance of being a good devoted wife, prolonged the abuse, believing it a only a hard time in his life that I needed to help him through.
    When I am of no use or need him I am of no use, which i finally experienced. And after his last relationship and his dicard of her, and I add I was healing and making a healthy productive life, he realizes he really loves me and made a mistake? Yup I fell for it! Not believing he could use my whole life and as a senior dicard me. But it’s all starting again, and only now now in my total confusion, people don’t act like this, discover what he truly is. Behind loving eyes, I thought, there was only a plan, no feelings no empathy. Thank you for this article I felt you talking to me..I only now at age 60 know what he is and realize there is no bliss ahead with him. I really appreciate your use of the image og appliances, you are totally accurate. Thank you, tears, thank you

    • Melody,

      Bless your heart…

      You’re heart is a beautiful one. I don’t want to assume that this is occurring with you, but I got hung up a bit on the ‘age’ thing for awhile after the psychopath and I split..I was mired for awhile in that so many years were lost to psychopaths. It’s been four years now, since the last and while my circumstances have been excrutiating for me, with disability and a lot of emotional pain, there is a lot of wisdom earned too. I see that in you. I think we become MORE beautiful after we are out of the relationship. brimming with insight, wisdom and empathy deepened. I realized that while age has definitely caught up with me physically, I do feel more beautiful on the inside…and appreciate it so much more now too. Peace to you..

  35. Grace says:

    Thanks for this article as I find it so enlightening.
    The father of my son whom I was with for almost 2 years exhibits some signs of being a narcissist as what was mentioned here.
    He got me pregnant early on in the relationship because he wants to have a family eventhough I was upfront that I’m not ready for that responsibility yet since I’m just 24 years old and still wants to do so much more in life. Realizing now, I think he’s just tired of living on his own and just needs me to be there to fill the wifey role and someone to take care of him all the time as that’s what expected of me. I love my kid so much so I decided to stick with him and I thought he loved me as well and accepted me even if I dont know much about being a mom or a wife early on in the relationship. He constantly needs attention but doesn’t like to be questioned about the things he does because he’s also a know it all. He doesnt like to be criticized and thinks he’s superior in the relationship because we grew up differently, i grew on a happy home and got the things I wanted while he suffered hardships and was abused by his mom and neglected by his dad. He has humiliated me twice in public and can’t control his rage. He also couldn’t take it when our baby was crying loudly while he was sleeping. He just couldnt control himself. He cheated on me 3x and constantlt flirts with other girls online. He denied it of course and I was stupid enough to take him back. One time he even blamed me saying Im not the sweet type that’s why he was chatting up those girls who were just friends according to him but I’ve read what he said and it was outright flirting. He also has a 2nd facebook account that he doesn’t know that i know about which is private and only has girls for friends and none of the people we know personally.

    I suffered low self esteem because I cant give him what he wants. I feel bad that Im not the wifey material but of course I do my best to please him and take care of the baby. There are days that he was nice but there were also times that he does nice things for compliments.

    Now I know that he already has a new girlfriend after 3 months of us breaking up. We still communicate because of our son and wants to get back together because he misses me and also he needs help in paying his rent. He said he met someone special but would rather fix our relationship because he also wants to be with our kid. I asked if he has a girlfriend but he said he doesn’t have one. I’m confused.

    Do you think he is a narcissist based on what he showed? I feel kind of sad and depressed that he found someone else already eventhough I dont want to be with him anymore.

    • All normal reactions to an abnormal person. I’m not there and I’ve not met him, but his behavior, narcissist or not, is outrageous and unhealthy for sure.

      Most of us know inside when something is wrong. Healthy minded people do not want others they love to suffer and don’t engage in the behaviors that he has. Does this help?

      Hang in there, Grace. I have a feeling you know that he’s not healthy for you. Go with that feeling…XXOO

  36. veronica says:

    This was an amazing eye opener for me..it described my 3 yr relationship to a tee and it also hit my feelings right on. I have read this four times today, it has changed my whole way of thinking. He and the new woman were both married, in a way they both deserve each other and I’m so looking forward to the wreck they are both heading towards. I ve been told as painful as this has been it was blessing. It was like he flipped a switch and I was never anything to him. It was suffering at its finest and he has not even looked back …we never fought, I never saw it coming, their affair had been going on for 7 weeks when I busted him…at that point he became brutal and said things I will never forget. 4 months after it all came out Iam doing for the most part very well. My health has made a turnaround, my career has sky rocketed but yet I cry still for the horrible thing he did but u are so right…no empathy, he was looking for a bigger better deal. Its his loss because Itru y loved him, he found himself a woman with money…good for him…he can be bought, it shows me who he really was. I had sought out counseling but i.couldn’t afford it, this.literature has been a huge eye opener…thank u so much, you have eased so much of my pain. To all u women out there enduring this…love yourself, after this I have grown so much, what he did made me angry…because. of that I am now becoming the woman I was destined to become..in all actuality I owe that creep a thank you ;)!

    • Laura says:

      Veronica, I have been in the same situation. It’s been two and a half years since I caught him with the other woman. She didn’t know about me, I didn’t know about her, except that he “friended” her on fb and one night we were out and a friend of his asked me how was the Cape (she’s from Cape Cod) I confronted him about this woman and he told me she is a psycho, you’re my girl, I love you, blah, blah, blah. Well, I fell for it until a year later I saw them in a store together when he told me that he was sick all weekend and couldn’t see me. I noticed she dumped him off fb (yes I was cyberstalking) but, I mad a huge error for myself emotionally. Recently, I was curious about how she was doing and I saw some pics on fb and not only is she back with him but she is now engaged to him, Maybe they are already married. I haven’t allowed myself to look at her profile again and I certainly don’t go to his. I blocked him . She is a wealthy lawyer and I now know that he was using me all along until he had a solid connection with her so that he could gain prestige/money. I know his business is soaring and it seems as though everything for him is going wonderfully. I remember he said to me in our relationship, “I’m having the time of my life” , and “if an opportunity presents itself…” I guess I didn’t put two and two together because he was just sooo romantic and faithful and loving to me. I am so emotionally damaged from this person that I fear I will never be the same person. I am not even sure I know who I am anymore. Funny, but the first time I dated him, I had a dream. A very frightening figure was driving a vehicle in which I was the passenger. He wore a very, frightening, metal, decaying, large, mask on his head. I remember peering underneath the mask and it was even more horrific, demonic looking. I recall waking up from the dream and wondering/realizing that he was the person driving the vehicle. I chalked it up to my vivid imagination, but later came to realize my subconscious was trying to tell me something. I wish I would’ve heeded the warning and run far away from this monster.

      I get so depressed at times, I just ache so deeply. I feel lonely, rejected, unlovable. A friend told me, that he just didn’t find me to be marriage material. I guess he was looking for money and he found someone to take care of him. This will be his third marriage. Hers, not sure but I know she had recently got a divorce and oh, yes, she is a divorce lawyer. How sick is that?

      • veronica says:

        Laura my heart goes out to you, your response gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes. Just today I woke up from a nap panicking , what he was doing, does he miss me…its crazy, I wish I could say I saw it coming but it wasn’t until it was over the whole disgusting plot surfaced…he had actually posted ads looking for women already established. I don’t know if I will ever heal from this, the pain is immense, I am successful and I continue to better myself everyday but its still there…the need to know why I wasn’t enough, he knows I worshipped him, a man who never spoke cross to me with a blink of an eye was cruel, heartless, cold and brutal…he just wanted me gone and he wanted it now! He will be able to live his lies under a very good cover he lives in another state and chances of her finding out who he is and what he actually did to me are very minimal. She knew about me as he does her husband…he sent her flowers after he dumped me over the phone in front of her, what a way to treat ur wife huh?! She must be a really classy piece…I never did anything wrong to him, he had nothing when I met him, I was a stepping stone for bigger things in his eyes. It hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, fairly fresh at 4 months sometimes it doesn’t feel real…I keep thinking he will call…but the more time passes I’m forced to realize I really wasn’t anything to him. I’m getting stronger but am so afraid to trust as his constant reassurance he would never do anything to jeopardize what we had…he is a coward, the very worst, so much transpired, as this is just the tip of the iceburg…I can only imagine what they are doing, I try not to think about it..did she leave her husband for him? I wanna hope not, I’m hoping he was just a toy in her wealthy little world..but scumbags always seem to prevail. U are in my thought and prayers my friend….as we journey thru this bitter lesson in life. Peace and hugs

  37. Laura says:

    Thank you, Veronica, and yes we journey together, making us stronger. The problem I have experienced with all of this, even after all of this time, is that others don’t understand why we just can’t get over it. Even my counselor, whom I don’t see anymore, because she seemed to think I should be way beyond this by now and wondered if I was bi-polar. I am not and I am the most even-keeled and responsible person – have to be because I am guardian to my adult, disabled daughter. I hide this pain because friends and family would just brush my feelings away and tell me that he was just another jerk. It was more than that! It’s as though I look in the mirror and I don’t even really see myself. I feel as though I am just drifting through time, go to my job, come home, do a few household things, off to bed , start over the next day. I feel gutted and empty. I am also at an age (54) where the dating pool is dried up. I can’t even get to that point anyway, anymore and wonder if I can every trust anyone again. Plus, I am just feeling old and not attractive, even though people tell me otherwise. For a time I didn’t even trust people in general and wondered if I , too, were becoming a sociopath, void of feelings, just going through the motions, not committing nor investing in too much because of this part of me that was ripped away. I also can’t get out of my head how his life can go on in such a successful way in which he benefits from all of her and her family’s wealth. His business is booming, traveling all around, enjoying the good life, etcc. and yes, I guess I am sounding jealous because he came out ahead after destroying me, like you said, “in a blink of an eye”. this man adored me, was always a perfect gentleman, so romantic, even telling me the same day I caught him, how much he loved me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him!.. I just don’t get it and I recognize I never will. Veronica, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well. I am certain you are a lovely person and didn’t deserve this evil, nor did I!

    • Laura,

      You didn’t say specifically how long you’ve been out of your relationship, but the idea by others that you can’t seem to get over it, is not one that is about you at all. It’s about others discomfort with your pain. I’ve been in therapy now for three years. I’ve barely scratched the surface of my trauma. Everyone has their own timeline and to compare to someone else or to be told that you need to be ‘over it’, implying a timeline, or that you’re somehow enjoying your place as victim, is a might unfair.

      Because you feel ‘devoid’ of feelings does not indicate sociopathic behavior. In someone with a serious case of PTSD, it’s called “NUMB”. Going through the motions, with no emotional attachment to it. The injustice can feel maddening. My question to you is how do you know about him or what he’s doing? This is one sticking point in recovery that is so very difficult for survivors in learning about him in some way, whether through social media or friends and family, what he’s doing. I don’t want to assume how you know these things, but often its because a survivor peeks or listens to people discuss the psychopath. You DO have control over that part of it. Knowing what he’s doing or how he’s doing is very painful. When we’ve been beaten to shreds emotionally, perceiving his life as perfect after such a cold hearted discard, as well as his having a new victim, only validates our own low self worth. It’s like taking over where he left off. It’s all about DEPRIVATION. You’re seeing something that reminds you of the things you feel he’s able to give someone else, when you’re being deprived or were deprived in some way. While you WERE, it’s exacerbated by seeing or hearing about him. “This man adored me, was always a perfect gentleman, so romantic, even telling me the same day I caught him, how much he loved me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him!” This was a LIE. And psychopath’s tell a lot of them to justify their behavior or because they just simply feel like doing so for kicks. To see you react. They love that they have the power to play with your emotions, your life. My question to you, aside from this lie and fantasy that he set up for you, what did he do in between this that harmed you? What little things were missed in what he did to you that hurt you? What signs were there that you may have overlooked in how he treated you or didn’t treat you, because that behavior is NOT about a man who can love and people who can do not do that to those they proclaim to love. If he can do this to you, guaranteed he can do it to someone else and will. Secondly about the wealth he’s now enjoying. For a psychopath money = power. There is nothing more intoxicating to a psychopath than power. He is addicted to it. Each and every victim is a ‘step up’ the ladder from the last. It’s not the new victim’s that matter but merely what she provides for him. In this case, it’s money. That isn’t about love at all. It’s about his having a good time on another victim’s DOLLAR. Many psychopaths, especially as they get older, target women for money. It doesn’t matter if he has his OWN money, hers is a lot better to spend to take care of him, while he invests his in little white collar crimes here and there and nice little vacations, while she’s paying the bills. It also wouldn’t be the first time that a psychopath is with a victim for money, and uses HER money to ‘invest’ in another victim on the side. They are NEVER, EVER faithful. This isn’t possible due to their lack of empathy.

      You’re not washed up, Laura, nor is your life over honey. you’re just STUCK. And this happens to a lot of survivors. When we invest so much in these asshats, we forget about ourselves, forget how to love ourselves. Psychopaths are REALLY GOOD at targeting our most intimate vulnerabilities, all the ‘good’ ones in the beginning and when he has his victim hooked, he exploits all of her weaknesses and bad habits and goes in for the kill. They are predators and like predators do, the idea is to destroy their prey, until they find NEW prey that is more intoxicating within the scope of their POWER addiction.

      You have a lot on your plate, Laura. Taking care of a disabled person is a lot of work and really challenges you emotionally, physically and spiritually. If you’re having to do a lot of physical work too, it tends to wear on people as they age. I know, I’m disabled and I’m a constant challenge to those who love me with my chronic health and PTSD/depression. What you’re doing is exceptionally loving and time consuming. What I see is that Laura needs to find Laura again The psychopath stole who you once were, but that’s okay because afterwards you can be SO MUCH BETTER. I know that sounds ludicrous when you’re in pain, but it’s true. But that too, takes a lot of work. It takes time and change and commitment. Please don’t give up on yourself and do the best you can to take your eggs out of that psychopath’s basket. You’re worth so much more than the deprivation and pain he’s accustomed you too.

      • Laura says:

        Thank you for your quick response, kind and true words of wisdom that I will need to read and reread and digest. It all feels like being trapped in the Grand Canyon, but able to look up and see that there is a beautiful, blue sky. It’s just having the strength, and will to be able to start that climb upward.

        Thank you so much for your blog! It has soothed me and has given me comfort many nights when I first started reading things here. It’s been 2 and a half years that I saw him with another woman. He told me he was sick, couldn’t be with me on the weekend, when we saw each other every weekend. Well, I took my daughter shopping, (she is cognitively disabled with mental illness) and she started to have a panic attack in the store so I thought it’s best we leave. Well, lo and behold, as we were walking out the door, walking right past me was you know who, dressed in his best leather jacket. I stopped and looked at him, said something like “I thought you were sick?” turned to see a petite woman whom I recognized from his fb friends and the one he told me was a psycho, I said to her, “I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are, but I’m X’s girlfriend” He stopped me and said, “friend” . Well, she motioned that we needed to talk, he and I and she started to walk away. I looked at him and called him an ass and said I need to find her. I started looking around the store and followed her as he was making a bee-line right after me saying , “Laura, don’t” I found her in an aisle and said, ” I’ve been x’s girlfriend for the past two years” X stood right by her side and said, “on and off” I said no, not on and off. She said she was feeling uncomfortable, so I said, “and you’re stupid, just like I’ve been stupid” and I walked off feeling like everything was draining out of me, my legs feeling like molten steel, heavy and barely able to move. Later that day he left a message, stated he was sorry, that he’ll regret leaving me the rest of his life, that he and I were just drifting apart (news to me since we were seeing each other frequently and he just telling me how much he loved me)

        It’s as tho it just happened and the tape keeps playing when something triggers it. It’s like you said about having those feelings of deprivation.

        She was off his fb page the next day. I caused myself harm by looking at her fb page (sounds so juvenile) recently and saw that they were back together for quite awhile, he had another fling in between, and now they were engaged in Mexico. I have done myself a favor and I don’t look at fb anymore because it always sets me back and I really wish I wouldn’t have checked. I’ve learned my lesson. Thank you for letting me pour my story and feelings here. Only place that has helped! Bless you! facebook can be a great detective, but it can also do so much harm.

      • Facebook, in my opinion, is an absolute NIGHTMARE for survivors. If I could, I’d flip a switch that stopped each one when they went to peek. The PAIN that happens as a result lasts and lasts.

        It’s interesting when more information is given to fill in the gaps, Laura. The reality that he had a ‘fling’ does not surprise me. It validates every time how incapable of monogamy they really are. The new victim is caught in the same cycles, while you are FREE of it. While discard is very painful, it’s also a blessing in many ways, but it’s hard to find that blessing the first few years for most. On average it takes approximately 18 months to recover from a spath. My ass! Excuse me, but after doing this awhile, I’ve noticed it takes a lot longer than that.

        So please try to be patient with yourself. I say that, but it’s even hard for me to do. It’s work and a lot of time, but in the end, it’ll be worth it. :)

  38. Laura says:

    It’s so odd/funny how, after reading most of these comment and stories, that it all sounds like the same man! I met mine about 4 months after I was told to leave a 6 year relationship with a man I now clearly understand as a narcissist. He is a very wealthy, retired at 46, businessman, who swept me off my feet. My daughter and I lived with him for 5 years and it was a dream come true for me. I was able to get horses (his daughter wanted them too, but I was the one who ended up doing all of the work and chores, of course) chickens, a big garden, lovely home, acreage, I loved it but after awhile, felt more like the maid and that I was just earning my keep. He was very odd, distant at times and hardly ever acknowledged me or anything I did. It’s like he kept raising the bar for me too and I had to jump higher and higher to keep him happy. In his eyes, his children were perfect, could do no wrong, beautiful, as was his ex-wife. He did a lot of the triangulation with her, turned me so against her that I felt very uncomfortable everytime she would drop the kids off. He did everthing for her and his kids but I always felt like my daughter and I were in the backseat. One day, after I caught him with another woman, he told me the “spark” was gone and my daughter and I would have to move. This was after he convinced me to sell my house, quit my job, move away from family and friends, boy was I dumb. I told a friend that I felt kicked to the curb and she told me no, God had pulled me out of that situation and I do feel that way today.

    Then I met , unknowingly, the Sociopath. For sure he saw a weakness in me and I remember that I shared everything with him – big mistake – because now, I can see how he became everything that the narc wasn’t, He complimented me, always brought me flowers, opened doors, for me, just treated me well, very romantic, and yes, absolutely amazing in the bedroom. The Narc failed at that but I didn’t mind and was very patient because I loved him and felt there is more to a relationship than just sex.

    So, sly and cunning, which puzzles me because why do they waste so much effort if none of it is real. So cruel to purposely hurt someone and know that you are doing it. I believe the Narc was that way too. When I first met him I was puzzled as to why he was interested in me because of his status and wealth, and I said to him ” I’m just a lowly artist living in squalor (not really – I like to talk comically at times – but I am an artist and live by simple means)

    After the second one, the Socio. a couple I met through him apologized to me because they said they knew his pattern and that it never ends well with his relationships which usually end after two years. They said they have nothing to do with him anymore, have way too much respect for me and did not want to stick around to see the next victim. This validation helped, a lot, but I still have this gnawing pain of the other woman he’s with now, I think, it’s been more than 2 years so her time is up, but she is the very wealthy one so I’m thinking he is going to try his best act to keep this one going. I find myself thinking of all the wonderful fun things they are doing together (he was a lot of fun – best relationship I ever had) and maybe just maybe it is working out and they have both found a loving relationship with each other. He just had to find the right one and I wasn’t it. This is the “crap” that my head plays to me.

    Sorry for the length. I do soo appreciate you insight on this and your comments. I sill be thinking and praying for your continued healing as well. As far as your disability and caregivers, don’t think that you are a burden. I never feel that my daughter is a burden, a challenge at times, yes, but I believe that our souls chose each other to love and take care of in this life so I feel honored.
    Blessings – Laura

    • Laura,

      That’s the great thing about the blog, the reading of others stories. Sometimes, I don’t comment as I see others commenting to one another, which gives a spirit of community. There are times where it’s best for me to keep my type shut and just let healing happen. Thank you for sharing your story….and for your encouraging words.

  39. bella fatina says:

    ive been a victim..n now he is showing off his new victim to me. i want to help warn her about him..but i dont think she will believe me :(

    • Bella.

      You’re probably right…did you hear things about him in the beginning and disbelieve? Unfortunately, it’s her turn now to learn a life lesson..as unpleasant as it is…

      • bella fatina says:

        he said he was broken hearted from a previous relationship and he doesnt believe in love ..thing is he constantly say ‘i love you’ to me – which was actually a sign that hes playing a part to get my sympathy at first. im so angry at myself because i was duped this way. i left him after all the abuse ive endured…i didnt know why i stayed as long as i did…maybe i thought i could change him make him believe in love again. i mean i thought im intelligent enuf. and he was so caring n sweet….its hard for me to forget him.

      • Bella,

        One of the traps survivors fall into is that they think they can convince their psychopath to change. They often find themselves ‘explaining’ how to behave appropriately or words that they should say, or could say to improve the relationship. The thing is, that with a healthy person who can love and has empathy you don’t HAVE to explain how to do these things because it’s already THERE. Healthy minded people will not want to hurt you by repeating the same behaviors over and over again that cause pain.

        When you’re doing too much ‘convincing’, something is very wrong. Also when someone says they love you, it’s followed up with action. While this might occur in the manipulation phase of the relationship, when the psychopath is trying to bait and lure, when the deprivation phase begins, his words and actions begin to contradict.

  40. Kate says:

    This has been very helpful to me. Although I know I haven’t dealt with things correctly myself and still feel blame

    I ended a relationship in December 13 after 2 years because I was doing everything for him and being emotionally and financially drained. He even took his phone into the bathroom and we had some incidents with other woman he was in contact with which I never met. I therefore drew a line under it and there has been no contact.

    In April I was still recovering and had a few to drink and went to the local pub alone. I don’t have a huge network of friends and feel isolated at times.

    I met someone there. It was his birthday and he stayed with me rather than his friends. I poured my heart out to him that evening and now know what a silly position I put myself in. He also told me he had depression and that is why he lost his job and family.

    He was texting me as soon as I left the pub and subsequently we started to date.

    This man continually told me I was amazing, how could anyone let you go, I love you daily, I have never had sex like it etc etc. he felt insecure when he didn’t know he was going to see me and I gave him reassurance.

    What I started to notice is that I had to slot in to all of his plans and he would not respect my boundaries if I wanted space. He would stay hanging around at my house and keep me up late until I had to persist I needed to be up early. He also continually wanted sex and wanted to make me happy but I was getting a bit exhausted. I will say though that I had never had a man pay attention to like that.

    We cooked for each other and I wanted to be as best a girlfriend I could for him as he was so nice to me. I supported him and loved him but did start to notice that he lacked empathy and cut me short if I had a problem.

    He then started leaving items at my house without asking me to make himself feel secure and bombarding me with love and attention. I had never had anything like it. He took all my pain away and made me so happy. I fell completely in love.

    He was going away and said he couldn’t be without me so I took time off and went with him. We had a great time and everything seemed perfect. He kept saying how lucky he was.

    I then started to notice that he would control the days he was seeing me and these were getting less and less but I was expected to be there ready for when he wanted to see me. He would plan all that he wanted to do first then slot me in around it. I felt all of a sudden I have been here before and started to have a bad feeling.

    He is from a very religious family and attends church himself. He is a leader and works with 19-23 year olds and 39 himself. But he thinks of these kids as friends and hangs out with them and wanted me to also but I just did not feel comfortable. I am 40. He is an ex policeman and all of these kids think he is mr cool because he drinks and smokes with them and parties regularly.

    He has 2 children and has been separated for 2 years. I also started to notice that he would not change any of his plans for them and he let them down on occasion. He kept a poorly paid job to pay less and it all started to feel wrong. He lives with his parents and spends his money and time how he wants to and concentrates just on what makes him happy. I have my own house and can’t afford to be out all of the time as I have bills to pay.

    However I was addicted to the love he gave me and he began to be all I could think about.

    As he started to see me less and less with lame excuses I started to feel upset and insecure. I was not sure about the relationship in the first place as it was so soon but he pushed it and wanted it more than me but then I started to feel he was messing me around. I was confused.

    He was then going on 2 holidays in a row but did not seem bothered about leaving me. I thought to myself that it was already booked and to just let him enjoy himself and have a good time.

    The day he left I sent him a nice message and he called me twice before he boarded and told me he loved me. I slept with him also the evening before he left.

    I spoke with him on the Sunday then noticed his phone was on. On the Tuesday but he did not answer. It was silly but I sent a message saying I felt alone and I thought he may have contacted me more. He called on the Wednesday and sounded weird and I did say sorry for the message but I was missing him but still wanted him to have a good time.

    He was then supposed to call me on the Sunday but didn’t and left me worrying all night. He is also diabetic. I was mad and worried and I finally got hold of him. He said I can’t talk to you when you are like this and you don’t know what has happened but refused to tell me.

    He was due home on the Monday but did not call or visit. So I sent a message to say I think it best he is free to do as he likes, I didn’t want any bad feeling but this is not a relationship to me. I blocked his number and just wanted space to think and heal. I knew I would not be happy going forwards. I felt like i didn’t know if I was coming or going. I also gave him support but he was not giving back. I felt there was no emotional connection and everything was just words and sex.

    He then turned up at my house on the Tuesday and said he wanted to explain

    He sat me down like it was an interview and told me he had slept with someone else she is perfect for him and that they had a lot in common and that she will be visiting. He then said we need to decide how we are going to go about this in public and we should keep things polite. He did not even say sorry.

    I told him to leave and then sat there and just thought how could he be in love with me one week and someone else the next. How could he do this. Was it because of the insecure text I sent?? Is she better than me because I don’t like the same things as he does. it was torchure I felt I could not breath.

    I went I to self destruct. I spoke with him and told him I was devastated but he just said calmly to me that I needed to accept it.

    So confused. So hurt. I am afraid of seeing him as it will hurt so much.

    Kate

  41. Sophia Jenninga says:

    This article really was what I needed!!! I’m still healing and going thru therapy. I wish everyone well and success with being a better you while I focus on being a better me.

  42. Mena Boucher says:

    I have read sooo many articles and books and truthfully, this really sums up the entire experience with one of these people in a no if and or buts ……. This is what your in for kind of way. No exceptions. And I have gone through and am still experiencing the ugliest part which is the tAil end of it. And I mean the relationship ended but I was always sucked back in due to my addiction to him physically. of course he had to be gorgeous and a great lover Thank god I have a source I didn’t have before who has kept me updated to his behaviors dealing with finding another victim. Holy Hell do they move fast and seeing mine was a drug addict. It’s shocking to see that even tho I was accused of being a whore for speaking to guys or for god forbid being w guys in my past. What types of women is he heavily trying to lure into his web. Street whores who have sex for drugs. When you said they morphed into whatever it takes to become appealing to next victim. I just found out he’s switched from crack to heroin to get some 26 year old street whore. Nice Hugh. Yet after hearing this and how he recently a week after coming to see me professing he’s mine and hadn’t been with anyone despite me having copy of a police report saying he’s been arrested while driving this in known to me women’s car, he denied and said he didn’t know her. He knew her boyfriend. Ugh Hugh. So I avoided contact only to hear he was dating a prostitute and had moved her into his moms house and after two weeks she took off because he wouldn’t let her leave. So nice to hear. So nice for the heart and soul. They are so careless with others hearts. It truly makes sense that they don’t have feelings because they might be just a little more careful towards hurting so many. Anyway I’m in process of staying no contact. I was doing great. Got restraining g order this past jam. He calls from other numbers and tricks me into conversations that if ourse I’m eager to go along with to blast him with all his wrong doings but it’s truly a waste if my time because it just fuels his addiction to the reaction. I pray for the day I feel indifferent to him. I know I should change my number but for a bunch of reasons I haven’t. One honestly is fear I’ll go insane not hearing from him. Even thigh I can’t ever go back to him

    • Mena,

      A couple of things struck me here but I want to be very careful because I know your heart is broken….

      ALL women, whether they are prostitutes or not, are VIEWED THE SAME WAY by the psychopath. In his mind, you are as much of a ‘prostitute’ as the ‘prostitutes’ he is with. I’m not in any way suggesting that this is you, but only that HE views it this way. ALL women are objects, one is not more than another to a psychopath. From children (male or female) to adults (male or female) psychopaths do not discriminate sexually. They may have ‘preferences’ but I’ve known too many who were bisexual or who preferred children, to heterosexual adults. Oftentimes, psychopaths ‘enjoy’ teenage girls. They are as much eye candy to them, as an adult female. It’s very very very sick and often the psychopath can hide this very well.

      Secondly, at the end of a relationship, psychopaths ‘like’ to hang on because they know you’re addicted. Your addiction to him, whether it’s emotional, sexual or both, is what he counts on to come back and hurt you further. That’s ALL it is.

      As far as sex goes, they know that most women BOND during sex. they also konw that many women are extremely competitive, so they TRIANGULATE. I cannot count the survivors who profess profound hatred for the new victim or any of his other victims and chances are, she has not a CLUE as to how many there are. TRUST me when I say that there are MANY.

      I had a survivor once who was royally pissed at me because I refused to side with her in insistence that her psychopathic husband, who had just lured her back into their marriage, using the very old, well used, worn out and tired triangulation game in blaming the OW for his straying, (you know they just ‘can’t say no’ and ‘just couldn’t help it”). He exploited the OW by telling his wife every single PERSONAL thing she shared with him. Most of it BAD stuff, stuff that would wound anyone if painful issues like that were told to someone, and he used this as the excuse to ‘comfort’ her because she was just sooooo, oh you know, CRAZY…this woman was completely obsessed by the OW and he kept stoking the fires.

      At the same time, he was contacting the OW and telling her how much he LOVED her but that he thought he should ‘work his marriage’ (BULLSHIT), but that he wanted to know if they could still ‘talk’ and ‘meet up’. Then he’d IGNORE her..ignore her phone calls, her attempt to get CLOSURE…and this too was done on purpose….so that she’d call the house and piss off his wife, fueling more the idea that this woman was crazy and that it was HE who was the innocent party. See how that works?

      I refused to engage her in this SHAM he had going on. She was not yet ready to see who he was. And this happens A LOT. And it’s how psychopaths so often get away with breaking heart after heart…while they sit and enjoy the game….while they watch both WRITHE OVER HIM.

      I caution survivors to be very careful as to applying labels to the women the psychopaths exploits, no matter who they are. And I do so because he sees, for example, YOU the same way he sees THEM. Does this make sense?

      I know it’s incredibly difficult not to answer the phone and we have a million excuses why we can’t change the number, cut people off our FB lists, etc, etc, etc….it’s because that addiction is so powerful. It’s because they have deprived us for so long and so much that they have us believing that we not only deserved it, but that somehow the new victim is going to get a ‘side’ to him that we didn’t get HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s what I can say about that because in reality, she will SURELY get a side to him and it will be the same side YOU got once he’s done with her…

      We are somewhat ‘sick’ too when we come out of these relationships, Mena. It’s difficult not to be around a psychopath, especially if we live with them or are their sex or marital partners, not to be SLIMED by them in some way. We take on characteristics that are temporary and not our own in the crazy attempt to have this man meet our needs when he never intended to do so in the first place.

      The article you’re reading, has been read over 80, 000 times on this blog and counting. Trying to make sense of what happened to us, is paramounnt because we are INSANE with pain and fear…and deprivation.

      Please know that when you’re really ready to let go of him (CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER) and stop torturing ourselves by looking up his FB or whatever else he has, we can THEN start to heal and break the addiction cycle. I will not sit here and tell you that this is easy, because it ISN’T.

      Once you know more and more about the psychopath, you’ll learn that there is nothing else left to learn They are what they are, that’s when the work starts on you and figuring out how this monster got into your life in the first place.

      You can do this. I know you can.

  43. Yet another excellent article and something that is affectin me greatly . Iv only been out of the relationship for about 6weeks now so everything is still raw. My narcissistic partner first cheated on me and left me last year id still get the odd text / email but just ignored it and got on with things, then February this year my sister took her own life he was the first person on my door step within hrs of hearing about the death of my sister he got me into bed. Durin the next 3 months ge didnt leave my side and couldnt do enough for me however as the fog started to clear I questioned what he was doin back in my life he cheated! The only response I ever got from him was ” whats done is done ! ” ……. things started to change there on in …..I now knw he was workin on a new supply ….I was pullin away and he knew it ….. he disappeared for a weekend and told me ” u got the break you wanted” though there was no talk of a break ……but then I could see the patterns formin just like before ….. its was history repeating its self ….so I pulled the plug ….. I told him that I loved him but cant forgive the past 2 yrs and dont trust him im out ….everythin made so much sense and I became more alert though the fog was still there it was the same pattern … he came to collect his things even took back everythin he had bought me down to my clothes ( which he told people he sold ) … and then started the lies the insults the humiliation how I used him for his money after all the ” treats” he had bought me …. he went to my friends tellin them my personal and private business even went as far to tell my brother I was havin a lesbian affair … which we thought was extra cruel as my sister was gay and I grew up within the gay community ….though I dint think that remark was aimed at my sister more that his new supply is bi sexual and he didnt knw until I told him ……. our last conversation was me sayin here we go again talk about history repeatin its self grass is always greener hey …..and he said dont worry I wont want u bk this time I was only keepin u sweet for the sake of the holiday ….now leave me alone walk away child …..sorry but I couldn’t help but laugh who the hell do u think ur talkin to shut the door on ur way out ……that was 6 wks ago and now im healin some days r better than others …. iv seen he is usin very different tactics on his new supply from what I knw she is a recoverin alcoholic who is incredibly insecure needy and clingy I cant help but feel sorry for ……and as for him well I pity his lost soul bcoz he will save her then destroy her …… I wish I could just close this book and start a new one and as srlfish as this sounds I hate the thought of him bein happy how dare he be happy when im lost and feelin like this …..

  44. Angie says:

    Yeah totally… Everything you said is pretty much spot on. I just got a call from my psychopath narcissistic ex then, like five minutes ago, that’s how I stumbled upon this article… Forgive me if I’m a tad upset. I just have to remind myself that no matter what he says it’s complete bullshit – he just wants something from me, I suspect it’s to trick me for a third time and get that feeling of power back again. It must feel so good to them to feel so much power over someone.

    The sad thing is that he questioned me, like he always did, “What did I do that was selfish/narcissistic/wrong?” And I felt that all familiar sense of hopelessness in the pit of my stomach, threatening to overwhelm me, that feeling that there’s really no point in even trying to tell him what he did wrong because, 1. he will NEVER admit to it – “You remembered it wrong” or “That never really happened” or “My abusive behaviour towards you is perfectly rational” – just forms of gaslighting that, if you’ve been with one of these people, you will find all too familiar; and 2. even if he secretly does admit to himself (he’ll never admit it to you) that he has done something wrong, he has no empathy for you, feels no remorse; because he’s utterly incapable of it. He probably thinks you deserve it, even – for some perceived ill you once caused him that threatened his fragile narcissistic ego so much that he’s just been waiting for a chance to get vengeance.

    So yeah the best thing to do is to read blogs like this and keep reminding yourself that despite the fact that it was so wonderful in the beginning, and he immediately thought you were his soulmate, and vice versa, and he called you / texted/ emailed every day and wanted to spend every second with you, and you had so much in common, and only ever wanted to please you, well – it was all just an act, and he’s just waiting for the moment when he can start depriving you of that wonderful drug (oxytocin) that only he can give you. And once he knows how to control the supply well lady you’re stuffed. You’re gone. You’re just a junkie and he’s just an emotionally abusive pimp. Just get out. Get out while you still can.

    • The beginning of the relationship, IS a red flag by itself, Angie. It’s called manipulation. And it’s abuse too, but we don’t see that, while he’s blowing smoke up our asses, inflating our egos or appealing to some fantasy that doesn’t exist.

      I experienced this some time ago again, long after my relationshit was over. It was repulsive to me. It’s amazing how things change when you get out from under their grip and get some space and then another predator approaches It definitely will not feel the same. You’ll see it for what it is.

      Healthy men don’t need to ‘love bomb’ you :)

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