“Why Did He Choose Her and not ME?”- The Psychopath’s Discard and the New Victim

     There is an extremely painful reality with most survivors of psychopathic or narcissistic abuse that seems to be a huge sticking point in early recovery:  The psychopath’s ability to move on as if she never existed and take up with someone new. This is universal. And because it is, it has been written about countless times by others, but in addressing a survivor’s angst about it, it is often met with, “Don’t focus on what he’s doing” or “It’s time to move on.” These pat answers do not validate a survivor’s ‘why’ questions, nor help to alleviate even a little bit of pain from relationship with an individual that represents what extremes really are when it comes to abuse.

Most of the blog posts, articles and books I’ve read about this in trying to find answers and solace for myself when I dealt with my ex psychopath luring and capturing his new victim awhile back (and all the victims in between), address the issue of the reality of his moving on so fast and why. The reasons for this are outlined with regards to his propensity for boredom, thrill seeking behavior and novelty, his tendency to idealize, while his targeting is very specific to what he wants out of the potential victim, be it money, sex, an image prop, or simply to exploit in an effort to achieve ‘power over’.

Outlining the characteristics of these men (and women too)  is helpful in understanding why he did this, yet it does little to ease a survivor’s pain. Many survivors seek validation about their judgment in having ended the relationship, whether or not they did the right thing, or if they were right about him.

If they were dumped, they want to know what they did that was so wrong that he could have left and taken up with someone else so fast, when chances are he was doing this before he left and just found a new victim that will give him what he wants. Remember, psychopaths needs and wants change all the time.

There is not a victim on the planet capable of fulfilling the psychopath’s insatiable needs and addiction to power and control. As fast as he appears to attach to the new victim, is as fast as he can detach from her, or anything else he wanted or needed at one time or another, from his previous victims.

What you, the survivor, really want to hear is that he’s an asshole and that the relationship he has now won’t work. You want to hear that you weren’t  ‘wrong’ about him and that’s he’s not changed in another relationship, although he will give every indication possible that this is what he’s done.

The articles and blogs I’ve read, encourage a survivor to hurriedly move on from obsessing about their pain and why he is now with someone else. My approach to that is a little different. It’s very difficult to move on from the relationship when you need understanding about the psychopath/narcissist and validation with that understanding. So I will attempt to piece meal this a little bit in hope that it helps you to understand that the chances of his relationship working out with the next victim are ZERO.

Now I’ll explain why.

Psychopaths have no empathy. Yes, I know, you wanted to believe he loved you. You wanted to believe what he said was true. You wanted to believe that no one on earth could possibly be so deceptive and such a lying piece of shit! I know! But guess what? He is. And he can lie, deceive and manipulate without blinking an eye. The psychopath can do this because they think, they do not feel.

It’s very disconcerting and frightening to watch a psychopath target another victim. I had opportunity to see this with my ex, when he was doing his online dating near the end of the relationship with me. The mask slipping, he did not hide his predatory behavior from me once I knew, but he didn’t know how closely I was observing, while suspecting and researching his potential disorder.

He assessed each target according to his needs. Women are often so upset when they see the new victim. The survivor obsesses on the new victim’s ‘appearance’ and who she is and his appearances and images of bliss from his social networks. In a culture that is somewhat narcissistic and superficial, image is everything, right?  Wrong. What images were projected when he was with you? Looking in back at the WHOLE of the relationship, was that image accurate? Or did it serve the psychopath’s exploitative and manipulative purposes at the time?

What astounded me in my observance of my ex’s predatory dating habits was that it didn’t really matter what the potential new victim looked like. The new target’s appearance was merely secondary to fulfilling his needs. He had moved through an earlier time in his life where he needed a woman as a beautiful, thin, wife and mother prop, such as the first and second wives were for him, and instead was moving closer to the ‘retirement’ phase of his life, requiring an entirely new set of ‘needs’ to be met by his potential targets. He was attempting to date lonely women with money. His bank account and the desire to live comfortably in retirement, needing someone to help pay off his massive debts from borrowed money and child support/half his 401k to his wife, said it was time for a change!

I noticed that the majority of the women  he was targeting, exploiting and manipulating, were vulnerable. All were successful in some way, but much older, overweight, divorced, single a long time, widowed. None were “attractive” in the sense of what he had chosen before. This, in his mind, would guarantee a new victim’s emotional dependence upon him because her very vulnerabilities were linked to her low self worth, her appearance, or her mounting loneliness, no matter how ‘successful’ she was monetarily. Many a survivor believes that her monetary success should somehow prevent such targeting from a predator. Some survivors believe that they were ‘happily single’ and ‘just a little lonely’ when the psychopath showed up. But these vulnerabilities are NOT superficial and grow over time to be enormously subconscious. A dull ‘ache’ in the psyche is bait for the psychopathic predator.

As my ex-psychopath sifted through potential victims, he studied each one intently, assessing her for her use value. He studied her vulnerabilities, the things she liked and disliked. He researched her on the internet through Google searches to find out more about her. He found out through facebook what she liked to eat, drink, and who her friends and family were.

It did not take him long to shift into low gear and strategize in luring two potential victims. One of them was an old high school friend that was now somewhat wealthy and owned her own business. She was the ultimate catch in his mind, but she was far too healthy and caught on to his games. She wouldn’t have anything to do with him. Six weeks prior to asking the current victim (now wife) to marry him, he made one last attempt to ‘date’ the target with the most financial value. She rejected him. So he went in for the kill with victim three. My ex never considered taking a breather to ‘work on himself’ between his divorce, his continued relationship with me and its ending, and his fast paced luring of victim three into marriage after eleven months of dating. But you see, this is what psychopaths do…

Healthy men and women do not want to get married at the speed of light! Psychopaths and Narcissists are consistent ‘boundary pushers’. The love bombing is the height of abuse in the relationship and requires an excessive amount of energy on the part of the psychopath to exploit and manipulate, to cultivate a victim’s future emotional dependence and addiction to him.

So think about this for a minute:  This is how your ex probably targeted you. It was once surprising to me, while hearing many survivor stories, how the survivor so easily forgets the love bombing, manipulation and exploitation of her and does not recognize this behavior with the new victim.

Part of this inability to recognize what I term as ‘new victim’ envy, is that the survivor, this time, is observing the psychopath’s love bombing and it harkens the survivor back to a time when he was so seemingly engaged and ‘into’ her, when the psychopath, in reality, never really was ‘into her’ in the truest and meaningful sense.

The psychopath would never have a victim if abuse were introduced from the beginning in a way that pushes the potential victim away, even though exploitation and manipulation IS abuse. The psychopath is investing all of his energies into the new victim, not only to get his needs met, and to win the victim’s addiction to him, but once the victim is dependent, the psychopath begins the cycle of deprivation all throughout the relationship to come. It is the survivor’s ultimate deprivation through the loss of the psychopath, the withdrawal of addiction to the psychopath, that the survivor is experiencing as she observes the psychopath with the new victim.

The new ‘relationship’ the survivor observes with the new victim appears to be vastly different, as if the psychopath has changed. In a way, this is true, as some things that occurred with the survivor will not be the same in the new ‘relationship’, because the new victim is a different person with different unhealthy boundaries and vulnerabilities.

The psychopath’s projected images of happiness that you see, or rather ‘their’ happiness, are just that! But in reality, the luring and honeymoon phase of the relationship are manifestations of the disordered one’s psychopathy and narcissism.

It’s critical to remember that psychopaths will ‘morph’ into and mirror their new victims. Her interests and passions in life will not be like yours, therefore it makes sense that he will appear to be ‘different” and in a way he is, because he is now pretending to be her perfect partner. What you are seeing, quite literally, is that he has become an extension of her. He is now a reflection of her interests and who she is because he cannot do this for himself. Psychopaths are chameleons, empty to the core. They are different personalities for each individual they come into contact with.

A personal example of this with my last psychopath and one of his targets (while being involved with and just before marrying the new victim), who liked eating at exotic restaurants, so he studied up on it a bit and was prepared to dine on exotic foods to which he would never eat again when she rejected him. His need to present a persona with her was over. Never once, in ten years, did I see this man eat kangaroo! My ex abandoned this spontaneous ‘obsession’ with the exotic likes of his potential target when he knew she was not taking the bait. He did, however utilized some tactics he used with her and applied it vigorously to the new victim. Much like a snake shedding its skin, the psychopath leaves most of his former, yet newly created persona behind, without ever looking back, if the new target is not interested.

My ex is also a worship leader in his new church, so image is very important to him, appearing to be a ‘good’ Christian man. His circles have dwindled a bit since the last church that he attended with his ex-wife, but nevertheless, he was calculating in that the new victim was clueless about his past behavior and was not from his immediate area. This made it easier for him to create a new persona and to distance from those in his community who knew of his deviant behavior and take up with those that support his charade. He was able to compartmentalize and isolate the new victim from those who knew of his past. But there are those around him, his children included, that know of his behavior and past, yet work with him to hide it under the guise of the ‘redeemed’. The psychopath counts on these supportive individuals to keep his facade and image going and the new victim blinded to his former life.

His targeting is really quite predictable as are the consequences. The reality is that a psychopath will never be short on victims. There are many, many vulnerable victims in the world, a lot of unhealthy people. If this doesn’t work out for my ex, he will simply move onto the next victim.

Now, what about the new victim that stays? Well, how long did you stay? Why did you stay? We can’t assume she is staying for the same reasons and it doesn’t mean that he’s not abusive anymore. It means that she’s willing to buy into all of his bullshit, while he pushes the boundaries very slowly in an effort to gain more control in her life under the guise of a protective and powerful love. Just like he did with you. 

It’s the depth of emotional dependence and of vulnerabilities that were exploited in the victim, that determines how long she stays, as well as the psychopaths ability to prolong the honeymoon period, further cultivating that dependency. Some victims are much more emotionally dependent than others. The very deeply imbedded vulnerabilities the victim has, without empathy, the psychopath reaches in and pulls out, even while she may believe she has none at all.

During luring, psychopaths easily assess the potential ‘longevity’ of their targets willingness to stay, based upon their histories and vulnerabilities, her belief systems and his ability to push her boundaries. The healthier she is, the least likely she will stay long and will catch on to the psychopaths oddities, behaviors, lies, intentions and deceptiveness, covered up right now in all that Mr. Wonderful.

A man of good character, someone of healthy mind, has no need to exploit and manipulate women. The men I have in my life now, who are friends of mine, find my ex-psychopath to be and what he did to me, unfathomable and repulsive to them.
Healthy minded men, will also recognize that they need to take time from a long marriage or relationship to grieve, with self reflection and time out for themselves to be alone for awhile. Regardless of what myths befall men in our society, there are men who do this. There are men who ask themselves, “What happened?” and “What changes do I need to make and what do I need to learn from this?” How do I know this? Because many of them are survivors too.

People who are healthy do not run from relationship to relationship, hiding from themselves, or chasing a utopia that does not exist, yet are fantasies that lie in what our culture and society defines as romantic and erotic love. The manifestation of true love and happiness. As most survivors learn to understand, once the relationship ends, is that this ‘fantasy’ is not remotely real.

Healthy men do not degrade, humiliate, use, lie, rewrite history, omit parts of their histories with new partners, hide behind their mask of narcissistic religiosity and/or monetary success. They have remorse, they have guilt, they do not talk about their ex’s in degrading, humiliating ways. Not even in subtly. Healthy men do not need to control, rush the relationship, love bomb, suffocate, manipulate their children or other minion (supporters), to keep their secrets.

They do not need to mirror the likes and dislikes of their victims because they will have their own likes and dislikes that differ in degree from their partner. Healthy men will not triangulate others with the new victim, whether he uses the ex-wife, her children, his children or the family dog, Healthy men do not do this.

Healthy men are not habitually unfaithful and live double lives, but all psychopaths do. If a healthy man does ‘cheat’, they make amends immediately and work on themselves and their relationships to change it. A psychopath never will. A healthy man does not sabotage, create drama, have child like temper tantrums, rage out of control, laugh at your pain. They do not provoke arguments, do not twist words, do not blame shift or project blame onto you or others. They do not spend time talking about how awful so and so is and what was done to them. They do not purposely and sadistically provoke reactions out of you,  just to watch you writhe.

A healthy relationship does not cause confusion and chaos. It does not create cognitive dissonance, it does not repeat painful behaviors meant to harm.

Healthy minded men do not tell you that  you are their ‘soul mate’. They do not assume intimacy and love within the first few weeks or even several months. They do not move in with, or marry you within months in order to access your bank account to help pay off their debt. Have I listed enough?

The only thing that a psychopath or narcissist changes is his persona and his victims. Nothing more.

At the beginning of the relationship, during the honeymoon phase, the psychopath is very suffocating in his apparent ‘neediness’ of his target. He makes her to believe that he is protective and ‘jealous’ of anyone who dares to get near her. This appearance of ‘need’ and spending so much ‘smothering’ time with the new victim is about control. It is about power. This is a very critical piece that survivors need to remember when they think  he’s ‘happier’ with her. The only time a psychopath is ‘happy’ is when he’s got what he wants and only for awhile because eventually, without empathy or conscience, his boredom once again becomes an issue and it’s not long before he’s on the prowl, even while he is with the new victim.

I’ve yet to meet one survivor whose ex did not cheat, whether she knew about it during the relationship or after. Some psychopaths are cheating from the very beginning, setting up their triangulations before hooking the main target permanently, like my ex-psychopath was. This assures his ability to remain completely uncommitted in the marriage or in a co-habitation situation. Psychopaths also love triangulations and pitting women against one another, while they adore and worship him, is one of their favorite games.

Many a survivor has shared with me that while their ex’s are hooking up, or are hooked up with the new victim, that he attempts to ‘come back’ to her, or that he’s sleeping with someone else she knows and the new victim is not aware of this, yet the survivor sharing this oft repeated story, can’t understand why he seems so happy with ‘her’? Do you see the obvious contradiction in this? How ‘happy’ is he, when he’s trying to bait you, and/or sleeping with someone else? Flirting with someone else? Our deprivation, brainwashing and exploitation by the psychopath, makes the reasons he has ‘chosen her and not you’, look as ridiculous as it truly is.

The psychopath’s entire life is all about controlling and exploiting others. They are time freaks and they compartmentalize everything  and everyone in their lives. They usually have many cellphones with easily removable sim cards, as well as multiple email addresses, online dating sites under pseudonyms that they hide brilliantly from their main target. Do you really want to be her again?

The fantasy that the psychopath builds for the victim from the beginning is very powerful and involves her deepest vulnerabilities. If she is already at an emotional deficit and is vulnerable, the psychopath will have better success in keeping her in the relationship, no matter how abusive it will become. This is where it’s important to be mindful about your escape and how fortunate you are to have gotten out. The new victim will surely suffer an immeasurable amount of pain in the future. I have seen victims who have relinquished their power completely, unable to live without their psychopaths to the point of complete enmeshment and addiction that will be life long, no matter what the psychopath does to her. 

I know how painful it can be to see the psychopath and his new victim in ‘real time’ on his social network. Whether in images or in person, but we have to look past what we see as exclusive and bring into reality the whole picture. This picture includes what he did to you and every other victim in his life. Psychopaths have an insatiable addiction to power and the subsequent pain of the abuse they create and cause for others.

As survivors, we literally have to learn how not to want the psychopath anymore. Deprogramming and excising our addiction to him comes through no contact. When we see who he really is, the jealousy, anger and hurt about the new victim will ease over time. Who wants to marry, live with and/or date a psychopathic abuser? If you still want or love him, it’s because you are looking upon him with eyes of empathy. You’re projecting your feelings onto someone who is incapable of having them. It’s also a reflection of the wounds you must heal, a reflection of your low self worth, forfeited for his opinions of you. It’s a reflection of his power over you and the emotional dependence you have upon him.

Survivors begin to move forward when they understand and finally accept that their ex partner was disordered. It’s at this point that they are they able to switch gears and begin to look at their involvement in the relationship and what made them vulnerable to a psychopath or narcissist in the first place.

Changing your perspective hurts. You will have to take every positive thought about him and change it into one that is realistic. His ‘love’ for you was manipulation, the rest was deprivation and abuse. He lives to take you to the highest emotional mountaintop in the beginning and watch your reactions as he slowly or quickly pushes you off, watching as you fall, and ‘rejoicing’ in sadistic glee as you hit bottom.

Is this really the life you would want to continue? The life you just escaped and that the new victim now has to contend with?

As you cultivate your own independence and change the story of the relationship to an accurate one with regards to the psychopaths love bombing and subsequent abuses, it will help you to embrace yourself and your new life more, bringing relief to you and your new freedom. For you truly are free.

When you struggle with his ‘choice of her over you’, keep in mind your own beginning with him, what he did to you, what happened during the relationship, and that true and real change does not occur with a simple change of victims and persona, but through self reflection, therapy, and most of all time. NO ONE can ‘change’ someone else to ‘instant happiness’. Don’t allow the fantasy he fed you and that you briefly lived in his exploitation of you, to be the guiding principle in gauging his ‘change’ with her or his ‘new life’ with her. She will have her own lessons to learn,  just as you are learning them now.

I wish you peace.

*If the blog has been helpful, please consider a donation. Thank you.*

**Note: Psychopath is my term of preference, however narcissist and sociopath are also interchangeable here. While I use ‘he’ in referencing the psychopath, this article also applies to men who have been the victims of psychopathic women.

 

 

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240 Responses to “Why Did He Choose Her and not ME?”- The Psychopath’s Discard and the New Victim

  1. Karen says:

    As a follow up to this, I have now become obsessed with stalking him and his wife on Facebook. I keep trying to find out things about them and spend so much time looking them up. This is bothering me so much. I know I need to put this energy into finding a healthy relationship with a man who is available. I am thinking about going no contact soon. I told him recently I didn’t feel comfortable doing this and he just said we’ll just text then. His texting was him constantly flirting with me until I gave in- again. I am really glad to have read this article and know there are other people out there going through the same thing.

    • Julie says:

      Oh how I understand you and feel your pain. Let me however prevent you from more pain.
      You see my story is similar. I met him at work. He was so good looking, said all the right things and made me feel desirable again. I had already been divorced and raising three kids alone. After 14 lonely years here he was feeding me with lots of attention I hadn’t had in a very long time. Sexually he made me feel like I was the best thing on earth. His obsessive calls and texts made me feel he needed and desired me. This was a Huge red flag though!!! A wedding ring. But of course he made her out to be this crazy, lazy, fat, bitch that controlled everything he did. He said the only reason he was there was because of his precious daughter. Well, I finally got what I thought I wanted. He lived with her a couple of weeks then me a couple of weeks and this went on for two years. He played us both and litterly dragged are emotions and self esteem through the mud. He played the many several suicide attempts and begging and stalking to the both of us making us think he needed us.
      To make matters worse I became pregnant with twins. The physical and emotional abuse really then took my life upside down. He choked me, hit me, shoved me down, forced sex constantly on me, tried to force me to mis carry, tried to force an abortion on me, through things at me, humiliated me at are job with other women he was sleeping with, called me whore, bitch, slut you name it, pulled chunks of my hair out, picked his nose and put his snot on me. I could go on and on. Well after a nervous and mental break down oh and severe depression I went into labor and had the babies and they survived. I struggled to get my life back but I had to return to work and there he was. He all of a sudden adored me again and wanted a family.
      After all that I wanted to desperately believe him. I made the worst mistake of my life and went back to him. My life really took a turn for the worst. Two more years of him continuing to cheat on me with his ex wife and strings of woman on line. His violence escalated and the verbal abuse hit a new high. He humiliated me at my job daily. He had many convinced I was crazy and he was this macho cool guy. He manipulated and threatened me in ways that I can not even discuss here. When I tried to leave him after the 100th time litterly he called the cops and told them I hit him and had me arrested. And later told me if I tried to leave again there would be hell to pay and he would do it again.
      Yes, I went back again. I became so sick. I wanted to die. I gained 80lbs, severe depression, anxiety, PTSD and the worst self worth imaginable. I even lost my job. He was finally forced to resign after I filed a complaint but it hurt me too cause no child support.
      I gave this bastard everything. My time, my heart, my love, I never cheated, I gave him my money, I forgave and forgave like he said if I was a real christian I had to forgive him. I believed all his lies. Kept going back hoping and praying this time he would love me and our twins. Every time he manipulated me into going back was just one more length of time for me to suffer and bang my head against the wall.
      What I am trying to say is the first time a person shows you who they are BELEIVE them!!! As Mayo Angelou once said. I wish I had known better. Each day is a struggle. I still don’t have a job. I suffer everyday still from all the abuse and my self esteem is still in the dumps. I do have my life and my beautiful twins. I thank God I got out and pray for all victims of psycho paths. May we all get out before they suck the life out of us. LITERLY!!

      • Julie,

        Thanks for sharing.

        The reasons survivors go back time and time and time again, I’m CONVINCED is that they do not believe with all of their hearts that this man is as evil, depraved and conscienceless as he REALLY IS. We often project our own empathy onto others…and I believe this is so subconscious that the assumptions made about someone as if they have the capability to understand us, keep us twisted up in trying to understand THEM…

        They are no joke. They are lethal and dangerous. Julie, I am glad you’re out and I’m GLAD you’re alive, because believe it or not, there are many women who do not and the biggest mistake they make, is that they do not genuinely ‘get’ that this person is LETHAL…and completely, TOTALLY depraved. They remember the beginning, when the beginning was a LIE. IT IS A LIE…thank you for sharing

      • Julie says:

        Thank you and GOD bless you and your blog.

    • Hi Karen,

      So you’re the OW…welcome to my blog. I was the OW too, so I can share a little bit, with you about this. I’d like to first go over this with you. Above you said, “I know I need to put this energy into finding a healthy relationship with a man who is available.” ~ My question to you would be WHY? What about putting energy into YOU. Learning to love yourself? I’ll explain according to what you’ve written here. By the way, I think you are VERY, VERY brave and courageous for sharing as the OW. This is a BIG trigger for a lot of survivors here who were married to unfaithful ‘spaths’. But I know, having played both parts, wife to a spath for 20 years and OW to another for 10, that neither side of the coin is a ‘winner’ when it comes to a psychopath, Karen. What does she have that you don’t? Well, a pathological, lying, sadistic, conscienceless, exploiter. Is that really something you want? Are you really SURE about that? You see, this is where even the best of us get caught up in pathological dynamics that are unhealthy at best, or at worst, ‘lining up’ with the psychopath, taking on his behaviors. I swear to GOD these individuals are ‘contagious’ in our relationships with them.

      So he is texting flirtatous texts with you….and your jealous of what you believe she has? Oh you mean Prince Charming? Or a dangerous lethal psychopath who doesn’t mind hurting you OR her. And if she doesn’t know, don’t think that if she did, she would be okay with his behavior? Although while she’s not okay with the behavior, it will be YOU that is targeted. In other words, men who are faithful don’t cheat, emotionally or physically, not even on text. But he ‘can’t help it’ because he has a disorder that is dangerous and lethal….and this is just what he does. If it weren’t to you, it’d be someone else. I don’t know if you’ve read much of the blog, but to any disordered individual, women are merely objects. Pawns in his/her game. We are there to serve the psychopaths purposes, be it sex (they are extremely hypersexual), or as marital partners so they can disguise their double lives and MANY times, just for fun for the psychopath. He gets bored REALLY easily, so having many women all at once, is fun for him. When he get can them triangulated, hating each other, envious of each other, it’s even MORE fun for him. Psychopaths are mysogynists, Karen. They have a great disdain for all women because he views them as weak and when we’re fighting over him, we prove ourselves to be as catty and even more weak, as the psychopath believes we are.

      Now, sharing from the experience of being an OW. When you’re the OW of the spath, you are love bombed no less than the wife of a spath. You think you’ve just met the most amazing man. And what he’s really doing is blowing smoke up our asses. HE’s appealing to our EGO…and we feel ‘connected’, “bonded’, “soul mate’ to this person and he even tells us this, right? Then we go to bed with him rather early in the relationship because he insists upon this, because psychopaths are the ultimate boundary violators and if you have no personal boundaries of your own, you’re toast when it comes to a psychopath. I had zero boundaries, zero self esteem, zero self respect, zero self love. What self respecting healthy woman gets involved with a man when he’s MARRIED? Or when he has a ‘serious’ girlfriend? What self respecting woman goes to bed with the most lethal individual on the planet a week after meeting? The psychopath wants sex with you and FAST because he knows this is how empathic people BOND and there is no deeper bond then when we are sexually intimate. He needs this to happen so you won’t ask questions. The more ‘in love’ you think you are with this predator, the more hooked you become, the harder it is to get out. I use to wish the same thing, Karen…that my ex would leave his wife….well, turns out she divorced him and guess what? GAME.OVER…he wanted FRESH Prey that he could utilize to build back an image of loving husband, father, worship leader, blah blah blah…and of course, money. He did manage this, but a few months ago, I saw him with another woman….who was not his wife…who was out of the country at the time. It never ends, Karen. I don’t think she’s at all lucky, I feel very sorry for her because she will endure the SAME THING that the rest of his ‘women’ have. IT wasn’t until I was out of the relationshit that I discovered that I wasn’t the only OW either! Oh there are many, many more…..it is never what you think it is, because he is NOT what you have him built up in your mind to be. The depravity and deceit, exploitation runs DEEP with this guy, on a level that you can never imagine. The reality is that he’s exploiting you AND he’s exploiting her AND he’s exploiting other women too. I thank GOD I did not ‘get’ what I thought I would when the relationship ended. SO grateful for that. I dodged a MAJOR bullet, because when a psychopath is DONE with you the mask is off, Karen and it is VERY unpleasant indeed.

      Psychopaths have an uncanny ability to make us want them in a desperate sort of way. This happens because they DEPRIVE you…there is always DEPRIVATION in the relationship and in this case, he refuses to give you want you think you want, which is to marry YOU. They do this to keep you addicted…dependent on them. I wonder if this ‘deprivation’ piece was what threw the GF over the edge enough that it resulted in marriage, and even if she doesn’t know it, YET he is depriving her AGAIN…and you really don’t know in what ways that he is. He will never marry you. He will never be with you, Karen. You’re another one of his many OW’s and it’s why he targeted you again after you didn’t speak for a year. He could care less that you called the GF. He baited you and due to that deprivation, you took it. That’s part of what keeps OW’s going back. They want the full meal deal and they see what they wife is getting so they think that he’s giving her something he’s not to the OW. This addiction is so strong, that we forget about the ‘sistahood’. We don’t care that he’s married and we don’t care about her either. This is what I talk about when I discuss suspension of empathy. This is where the psychopath’s projections of lack of morality come in. We lose that too, because we’re so focused on the addiction (psychopath) and what he’s depriving us of what we think we could have with him (WE. CANT),that the spouse doesn’t even matter anymore. This is kind of the ‘sickness’ that we take on in the pathological dynamic in the relationship we do things we would normally NEVER do when we move away from the psychopath and the constant deprivation he creates. When the wife figures out that he’s been depriving her too, of a FULL commitment, the fireworks get rolling and the psychopath fans the flames of jealousy and hatred. And guess what? She’s involved in the pathological dynamic too, Karen. I’m sure his wife puts up with crap out of him that you don’t even know about. But the reality that he’s unfaithful to her, that he will always be unfaithful to her will be of no consequence when she finds out about you. He will demonize and smear you from here to next week. SHE will listen to his shit and demonize YOU too. He is more likely to dump you, then he is she, because for whatever reason, she serves a utility to him, whether it be image, money, whatever the reason, she gives him something that you don’t that is more important to him. The thing about that is that the OW tends to think that what he’s giving HER is LOVE, when that is NOT at all the case because they are INCAPABLE of this. Many psychopaths get married because they can live parasitically off a woman (even if he makes his OWN money), or he can use her as an image prop and build a reputation that would only happen in association with her. My ex psychopath targeted and married his wife to create an image of himself as faithful, loving Christian husband and father when he was NONE of that. He was rounding up OW’s from the beginning of his marriage, and when his wife divorced him, and he was just about to marry victim three, he was already SCOUTING OW’s SIX WEEKS before they got married!! And if it weren’t for one of his victims letting me know this, I wouldn’t have known at all. When he told her about his life he said his wife was abusive and didn’t even MENTION me. Because you know, a ten year AFFAIR that got you FIRED from your job, doesn’t look so good on your dating resume, does it? I feel SORRY for her, Karen. God KNOWS how many women he’s bedding now…it never gets better, ever.

      So now, back to you. What is appealing about a man who cheats? What is appealing about a man who is a psychopath? What is appealing about a marriage that he’s willing to cheat on WITH YOU?
      And I’d like to suggest asking yourself the following questions, Karen, for yourself. What are my personal boundaries? Do I have any? What are my personal values, morals? Do I have an abusive past that I might want to look into to see if it plays into my desire for a psychopath? Do I really feel good about being the other woman to another woman’s husband and does that align with my morals? Aren’t I worth MORE than this? Is my radar adequate/healthy enough to spot another psychopath? Or should i take some serious down time to look at me? Where is my addiction to this man? What do I really want that keeps me clinging to him? Is he the right person to provide this? What does a healthy relationship look like to me? Do I love myself? Why am I allowing a psychopath to abuse me? Hurt me? Does what he’s doing to me in the way of hurting me, feel familiar to me? If it does, how, why? Why do I think I need a man and a relationship to feel whole? What’s missing in my life that I need/want/ How do I feel? Lonely, bored, isolated, busy, depressed, anxious? Karen, you didn’t mention whether or not you have any children. IF not and you’re single looking for a relationship, I can personally tell you that these questions are very seriously good to ask yourself and to try to answer. If this psychopath’s wife has a child with him, this WILL NOT BE A HAPPY OCCASION. Just read the many comments on my blog from survivors who have children with evil and you’ll see that it is anything but fun. If you have the opportunity STILL to work on yourself first regarding the issues that allowed this man into your life, it will be a blessing to any future children that you do have. I’m the adult child survivor of a psychopath, a survivor of partners who were psychopaths, grandparents that were psychopaths and one of my son’s is a psychopath too. If she has a child with this man, heartache, pain, abuse and trauma to herself and her children is what she has to look forward too NOT prince Charming. Psychopaths are deadly lethal. Even if they’ve never been violent before, they CAN be when the mask is off. They are psychological terrorists and the harm visited upon their children, lives in ME. It lives in my children, it lives in my LINEAGE.

      I think that you’d want better for yourself. And better is definitely possible BEFORE you flirt with disaster. You have an opportunity that many of us never had or will never have again. I hope that you’ll give this some thought. Trust me when I say that you’re dodging a bullet too if you go NC and STOP long enough to be alone for awhile. Because when we’re allowing the most lethal and toxic individual in the universe into our lives, we have some issues we need to deal with….

      Peace to you, Karen…

      • Julie says:

        Beautifully said!!!

      • Darla says:

        OMG! TATL! We could be the exact same person. Unfortunately, I too have been a victim of several NPs in my life. I am finally getting help through therapy now. It has been a really lonely place to be involved with people with these disorders as it feels as if no one believes you or they have never experienced this so they think it’s not really possible that people like this truly exist in this world. They will certainly take everything you have if you let them, and if you don’t fight for your life. It does not make me feel better that someone else has experienced the horrors of having someone in your life of this level of evil. It is a validation though that someone out there understands what victims of these disorders have experienced and survived.

      • Darla,

        It’s the validation that helps start the process in understanding what you were dealing with, but only the beginning…the rest of recovery is about us…

        Darla, did you come from a pathological home? I’m curious because you mentioned several NPD’s…thanks for your comment!

  2. Karen says:

    For me, I was not a victim of abuse when I was younger. When I met my psychopath I had come out of a relationship six months prior and went through a lot of saddness and loss with the ending of that relationship. I thought I had found the perfect man for me when I met my psychopath. He was so sweet, sweeter than any man I had ever met. He knew all the right things to say, all the right things to do. I was smitten with him early on. In hindsight there were red flags, and I wish I had ended the relationship early on. The longer I stayed with him, the more attached to him I became. I think I was lonely, and wanted to be with someone so I put blinders on. I really thought that he was “the one” but I now realize that I was in love with the fantasy that I had created about him.

    • Karen,

      “I really thought that he was ‘the one’ but I now realize that I was in love with the fantasy that I had created about him.
      Bingo.

      Loneliness doesn’t seem like a gaping vulnerability, but it is. It runs deeper then I think we believe it does when we’re feeling, thinking and expressing it. There have been survivors who wanted the fantasy so bad, (me included) that they bought their own rings, their own wedding dresses, made all the wedding arrangements, while he was along for the ride. All he had to do was nod’ yea baby’ and give a lot of sex and she was convinced…

      Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we took that fantasy and created it around loving OURSELVES first? Chances are if we put as much energy into healing ourselves and our wounds, we’d not a. ‘need’ a man to ‘complete’ us and b. if we wanted a relationship we could take it or leave it, but if someone were to approach we’d be far more aware and our radars would not be quite so broken.

      ANother reason survivors get hooked more than once, is because they’ve not healed their wounds and two, ‘but this one was so much DIFFERENT than the last….he may have a different demeanor, but the exploitation, manipulation, lying and the little red flags that are there, say he’s exactly the same…I made that mistake with spath 3….

  3. Karen says:

    I am so glad I found this article and see that other people have gone through the same thing. Great article it has been very helpful to me…

  4. Sharon says:

    He recently dumped me. I was manipulated for a year, we worked together and he had delusions of grandeur and wanted to overthrow the m.d so he could take over. I didn’t know his plan. He asked he details about who was having meetings etc and I told him. He got fired and didn’t tell me why. He kept my money and claimed it was his to everyone. He made out I was crazy. He made me pay for hotel rooms etc and then kept me waiting on them for hours. He spoke to me with contempt. He ignored my messages asking “why”, he then started love bombing someone else whilst with me. He dumped me by saying that I had lied about something which I hadnt. This is just a summary. I’m feeling really anxious about it all.

  5. Urjita Nanda says:

    I’ve been through a similar life whilst at college… I’ve dealt and I’m still dealing with a extremely low esteemed mother who wanted me to be like her and just educated me on becoming a doormat as that ensures family bond remaining intact. She made me a low esteemed person as well and all the while I believed her education to be true. I got admitted to the best college in my country for post graduation and was more than elated as it was a result of my efforts. However I was low in my esteem and hence could not win in college general elections. I took failure to heart and was disappointing as people would ignore me. I became sadder and sadder and stayed in my shell. I later on got chance to appear on TV which again improved my reputation in college but only for a short while. I was extremely vulnerable and a perfect victim for a psychopath.

    Enter a guy who took advantage of it all- while he was engaged to some other female. He became a gray rock trying to ensure that i break up with him. Gave me endless nights of emotional pain, torture and tears. I tolerated it all the while only to stay away from my mother who has narcissistic tendencies as well. He finally broke off and married the other girl. However he carried the reputation of being a charmer in college so people befriended him but nobody considered him to a good, trustworthy person. Owing to the fact that I dated him, my entire college boycotted me and spoke terribly ill behind my back. I’d to take a year and half long psychiatric treatment to get over suicidal tendencies post breakup. Now I’ve graduated from my college and I still feel bad at times about the fact that nobody ever understood me or my plight. I’ve moved back with my mother who is as narcissist as before, and sometimes I miss the psychopath’s kind words of comfort. Most of the college people have removed me from being their facebook friend as well and nobody seems to care about me except 4-5 people. Any advice about dealing with this situation?? Should I really feel bad that I’ve no friends from college at all?

    PS-I’ve a good job and I’m happy with my professional life.

    • Urjita,

      I’m not sure that this is as much of a problem with you for them, but rather a progression of life. My daughter was friend with and graduated with several. Five years later, only a few remain, busy with their lives….
      And if you’ve got a good job and your happy in your professional life, maybe making new friends is a good thing to do. College has come and gone and I think it’s rare if we stayed friends with people that are with us on our travels in life, usually for a season.

      Living with your narcissistic mother does keep pathological dynamics going in your life, and that might have much to do with missing the psychopath. Those of us raised in pathological homes, tend to what is familiar to us…

      I think if you were to find a place of your own, in the near future, it would help alleviate the missing of the ex psychopath too….we’re trauma bonded to them, insane loyalties….it ‘feels’ like a true bond, but is not.

  6. megan pox says:

    This blog really helped me alot! I must say this is the best of all the articles i have read.
    Its an eye opener.. and reading this made me realize how disgusting my ex is.. I wish him well.. Because he is sick

  7. Piper says:

    Brene Brown, PhD Therapist/Author, Shame-Researcher, reminds us to not see “vulnerability” through the shame lens. Recognizing our vulnerabilities allows us to get creative and to change.
    There is no shame at all in wanting comfort from someone when we are, for instance, grieving the loss of beloved family members, or when we are lonely and hoping for real love. Even therapists who write the books about sociopaths get fooled by them and sucked in unawares because psychopaths are GOOD at pretending. I hope no one who reads these posts feels shamed because they were vulnerable or because they were fooled.

    One of the very best books I’ve read about the broad-range that is Narcissism, is Dr. Alexander Lowen’s “Narcissism–Denial of the True Self.” He had a very different slant on this Narcissistic Culture we live in. Because of reading his book, I now believe getting hooked by a narcissist may not always be because the victim had low self-worth or “should” have kept her vulnerability from allowing it. I believe now that many of us, from infancy to adulthood, are somewhat numb, and that if you’re somewhat numb, you just don’t tune into what your GUT INSTINCTS are trying to warn you about. Many of us, from the get-go, were SHAMED whenever we felt any normal negative feelings. The Narcissist, of course, has this problem and completely numbed out negative feelings (which give us conscience), as well as empathy and real joy. But the fact is, most of us have some degree of narcissism going on within ourselves, how could we not, given we are living in a culture in which narcissism and shame are epidemic? Even Dr. Lowen admits to having a degree of NPD. I believe we all do, that it has been pervasive since at least WWII, and that there are reasons our culture switched from Victorian to Narcissistic.

    The world has witnessed war and the horrors of war, big-time, since WWI. It has made whole generations NUMB OUT. To witness horror, brings up feelings of TERROR. It makes whole generations of people depressed. Whole generations NUMB out when that happens, and it has happened around the world, not just in the US. Look at what happened in Germany! Do you think ANY of us can view that without going numb?

    Consider that T.S. Eliot has been praised as the most important poet of the last century, and that in his last work, Four Quartets, he said: “Humankind cannot bear very much reality.” I believe that is true and NOTHING to be ashamed about. We all numb out, at least somewhat, and cannot view the horrors that we’ve all been subjected to for centuries.

    Dr. Alexander Lowen says our True Self is our bodies and the feelings that register in the body. The body is the ONLY part of us that is in Present Time.
    When we go into our head, trying hard to figure out why we did this, and why “he” did that, we aren’t in touch with our body or in touch with the feelings, other than anger and rage at being victimized. There are healthy ways to work with anger, guilt, hurt, etc., and it’s important to find the healthy ways to work with negative emotions. Therapists teach us how to stay with an emotion when it rises, and how to work with it till it dissipates again. Negative emotions rise, peak and fall. For instance, if you feel anger, find a tennis racket and beat a pillow till you are exhausted.

    But the most important emotion of all to embrace so you can heal, is GRIEF. Therapy calls grief “the healing feeling.” Alexander Lowen, PhD, MD, body-mind therapist, says the SOLUTION to narcissism, whether because we’ve been victimized (and most of us have, it’s epidemic), or to cure it in ourselves, is to allow yourself to feel the terror, or the deep loneliness, or the severe hurt and betrayal, and CRY. Not just hot tears of rage, but cry and cry and cry, sob and sob and sob FROM THE BELLY. Lowen says it is the CURE. And it can’t be cured in just one sob session.

    Just think how so many people have been taught that crying is a sign that we’re on a “pity pot.” So many people shut down and stay locked in swirling negative emotions because they can’t or won’t cry. So many “spiritual” people deny and think it’s wrong to feel “negative feelings.” We live in a grief-resistant, if not grief-retarded! culture. What we need is to sob over and over from our bellies — so we can all feel again and not be numbed out.

    I think it’s easy to fall prey to a Narcissist-sociopathy/psychopath — not because we have low self-esteem or low self-worth, but because we are numb and the red-flags that should warn us and should stir up our bellies and the instincts there, don’t — because so many of our bellies are NUMB.

    There is nothing shameful about being vulnerable. All of us are HUMAN, and humans need security because we can break easily. There is nothing wrong with allowing others to see our vulnerabilities. The issue is that we become addicted to someone who SEEMS to be offering some security because we are NUMB and can’t FEEL at the time how abusive it really is, and also fear being alone in such a messed-up world. I empathize with all of us in trying to find our ways, especially with such horrific woundings during this dark dark time of Narcissistic and Shame epidemics world-wide. I sob and sob from my belly now, and it is helping to heal my own wounds, as it clears my head and the tape-loops of PTSD that wouldn’t seem to go away.

    And after researching to help myself after a terrible wounding with a psychopath, I found the bigger picture: That we live in a Narcissistic Culture and it’s world-wide these days, and that Dr. Lowen says when that happens, we need to be very aware of government officials who are acting out of the sociopathic and psychopathic degrees of narcissism. I won’t go into the horrific politics of this here — but if interested, please read Lowen’s book. When I read his book, it helped take my awareness of Narcissism as a cultural disorder from focusing on a personal level, to seeing a much bigger picture, with empathy and compassion for all of us — and a desire to share this information because it has helped me recover. Seeing a bigger picture, while at the same time doing the very hard work that GRIEF demands — is working for me. Most of us want to avoid the kind of deep-belly sobbing that Lowen speaks to as the CURE. Once I gave myself to that part of the process, it was a lot easier to let the “head stuff” go. I believe Dr. Lowen because what he offered as “cure” is working for me.

    And Dr. Brene Brown’s works are the best for helping us love ourselves and have compassion for ourselves even in our vulnerabilities and our brokenness.
    We are human, we are vulnerable. We do not need to claim “We are powerful beyond measure,” or “I am fearless,” as many spiritual and motivational teachers suggest, those statements feed narcissism. We are fragile as humans living in an unsafe world, of COURSE we would hope for security, especially in times when we are more vulnerable than usual! No SHAME.
    We don’t have to act AS IF we “should” have been different. Please STAY HUMAN, and give yourself and everyone else permission to grieve deeply the LOSS OF HUMANITY in our narcissistic, shaming culture.

    • Piper says:

      PS: It’s so important to remember that the hurt we experience when so betrayed is really a LOSS OF LOVE. We loved sincerely. We went into the relationship with a narcissist with good intentions and a natural organic desire to share love and security. When someone else cannot love or empathize and wounds us, we experience a LOSS OF LOVE. It is the loss of love we need to grieve. The grieving process will see us experiencing hurt, anger, deep sadness, disappointment — there are many stages to the grieving process. We recover from Loss of Love by Grieving Deeply. (Not by trying to think it through over and over and over.) That’s why Therapy calls Grief, “the healing feeling.” From my own direct experience I can say, the pain and the rumination and the insomnia and swirling negative emotions, including hate and rage etc., go away when grief is embraced as the CURE.

      • Piper,

        I think, and speaking only for my own experience and some of other survivors who have done a bit of work, we BELIEVED we were loving someone….but in reality, a psychopath is not a reflection of self love or self esteem.

        I think that if there is a history of trauma, those of us affected who had these individuals as PARENTS, NEVER knew love, so when we walked into these relationships what was love to us, was abuse. We were ‘numbed out’ from it all. It was familiar to us.

        I wholly believe in embracing grief and I too agree that this is the key to recovery. ALL of it must be felt, moment by moment during the process which is a long one. I’m a HUGE believer in this and my blog reflects that too. Running from pain, can also get us into another relationship with a disordered one. This has happened to me and to other survivors too.

        I really, really appreciate your comments and for the most part, I agree with them. Thank you for sharing.

    • Piper,

      Just curious, was this the only post you’ve read on my blog? I agree with much of what you’re saying here and my blog reflects much of it in a variety of posts.

      I’m glad Dr. Lowen helped you, but I refrain from ‘idealizing’ one individual to have helped me in my search for self and in dealing with my traumas, although my therapist, I think, who is bested suited to me and my traumas, is right up there, but I’ve read many, MANY books on the disorders, as well as those by survivors.

      I also agree about the prevalence of psychopathy (My term of preference), and that it’s very prevalent in society and in positions of government.

      “Numbed’ out is, in my opinion, going a bit too far, as it implies that awareness cannot change this. We have to become aware of the problem before we can change it and that won'[t happen in a ‘numbed out’ state, something that I DO think reflects much of society that is not aware of the disorders.

      I really appreciate your sharing here. Very thought provoking comment.

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