Psychopath/Narcissist: The Smear Campaign

     When the relationship with a psychopath/narcissist is over, a smear campaign by him, is sometimes, if not most times, waged against the survivor. One of the reasons he does this, is his FEAR of being exposed. The smear campaigns he wages are efforts to keep you in silence about his behavior and what he did to you. When you are in the throes of the aftermath, this can be a very painful experience and the pain can be so great, that you are unable to fight back. This is what the psychopath/narcissist wants. It may be what is best for you too, at first. . .

Oftentimes, the predator has already spoken about you in derogatory terms, behind your back before the relationship is over. His attempts to control you, are not limited to triangulations that you may not even be aware of during the relationship in his back stabbing. The isolation that occurs as a result of his efforts, makes it much more difficult when the relationship is over to speak up for yourself or to cultivate support for yourself, when he has told everyone  you both know, how “crazy”, “unstable” and “mental” you are. We can’t see that this is strategic, and just as it was in the relationship, to be a step ahead of you, to protect his mask, to keep control.

What is so painful about these smear campaigns, is that whatever it was that you told him about yourself, no matter how personal it will be shared with many others. Because you shared these intimate details, believing you were sharing in trust and love, some of what the predator says, can be just enough truth to make you feel that you have no defense, no way to protect yourself. What the psychopath/narcissist is doing to you, is the very thing he fears for himself. EXPOSURE. The most cruel aspects to his smear campaign is that he uses your reactions in anger, frustration, and fear, due to his sadistic provocations during the relationship, against you to create a portrait of a mentally unstable woman in some way. These hurtful attempts to smear you, can create the same reactions for you that you had during the relationship further validating his accusations and gossip. This is another reason why it’s so important not to react right now, at least not in front of him and not to others who would deliver your venting to add to his arsenal. It’s very important to seek out support during this time so that you can share your anger and outrage about what is being done to you in safety. Another reason to ‘lay low’ during this time is that your reactions will be twisted in that it is you who is stalking him. Due to their high levels of narcissism, the psychopath/narcissist, loves the idea that you can do nothing more with your life than think about him, his life, his new victims, etc. Survivors have been accused of doing this long after the relationship is over and she is past reacting or thinking about him. He will often tell the new victim that you never got over him and are likely to stalk them both! It’s ridiculous to think about, but this is seriously how narcissists think!

“They are sicker than we are smart”~ Sandra Brown, M.A.~author of “Women Who Love Psychopaths”.

I love this quote because it gives you an idea as to his total lack of empathy, which allows his “sickness” (psychopathy) to always be a step ahead of you. Without conscience, these men can strategize in a way that means you don’t have a chance to “beat” him or to “win”. 

If you have children with the predator, and are trying to divorce him, he will go to great lengths to get what he wants in sabotaging the process with endless court date changes, agreement changes, non compliance, etc. If your ex predator has access to a lot of money,  he will use this to hire a very expensive attorney and attempt to get custody of your children, or to prevent paying child support and/or alimony or the division of assets and property. Psychopaths will often choose an attorney who is also disordered, multiplying the likelihood of more losses for you and more “wins” for him. ALL of this is about control.

Some predators will let go entirely once they secure a new victim. The children you share won’t matter to him, as he’ll have a “new family”. If he has money, you may continue to get support, or he may decide that his money is more useful in combination with the new victim’s (cash cow), assets, property or bank account. In my case, once my ex husband secured a new victim, he completely abandoned us. There was no child support. No visitation. Nothing. While this was very painful to me at first (as well as his smear campaign), as I did not wish for  my children to be hurt by the abandonment, it turned out to be a significant blessing. Many survivors would rather the psychopath leave them alone.

In the case of my last ex, his now ex-wife hated him and wanted a divorce as soon as possible. I do not believe she understood that he has a personality disorder, believing him to be a lousy husband, but a good father. This, of course, gave him a lot of power in the divorce. She was bought out of their house and got child support and half his retirement in return for joint custody. I wonder if she regrets this decision, given what he has done to his children. The idea that a predator himself claims that he’s a lousy husband, but a good father, is contradictory and a reflection of his disorder. The children are weapons and objects, extensions of him. The manipulation he has done with his daughter, as well as I suspect triangulations, and using her to lure the new victim, is repulsive.

My ex predator is an excellent manipulator and he uses his money to do it. What teenager doesn’t want lots of “stuff” from the mall? Psychopaths/narcissists are extremely materialistic and this is projected upon his children in manipulating them with money, as well as encouraging them to become as materialistic, image focused and shallow as he is. Part of their smear campaign is never limited to just friends of the couple, but also the children. The psychopath takes the separation and divorce as an opportunity to separate and triangulate the children with their mother. I thank God everyday that I did not have to deal with what many of these women have.

My ex’s smear campaign of his wife was not as successful as other predators who have attempted this. His ex wife was so angry, she told everyone she knew what he had done (GOOD FOR HER!), including all their friends and those in their church. He didn’t leave her or the church without losing many of their friends. His wife was very well liked and a kind, faithful woman with a huge supportive family. She got angry. She felt her power in that anger. She had done nothing wrong except marry this man and stay too long, like many of us. For many survivors, this is not the case and often  her own family can be turned against her with the psychopath’s attempts to isolate and undermine her from any support.

The one thing that I swore to myself that I would never, ever do, is to remain silent about my experience. My silence would mean my abusers still had control in my life, even after they have been long gone. I will not allow them to have power in my life anymore. The abusers greatest weapon, is silence.

I encourage survivors to speak out about their experiences, providing it is safe to do so. If you are dealing with a stalker or some other very serious issues that would put you in danger, it’s best not to react in any way until you are in a safer place and some time has passed, but when you reach a place where you can begin to speak out about your experiences and share them with others, it will be an incredibly empowering milestone and in doing so, you eliminate his power in your mind and in your life. The more you talk about it, the more ridiculous the predator will look and seem to you.

Another gift in your refusal to be silent, is validation.

There is just something about sharing your experience about him and the reactions of others that validates your knowing just how sick this man really was/is. It has been very interesting to see a healthy minded person react and/or respond to what I share. It is simply unfathomable that someone could be so evil. Our experiences are best described as, “This stuff can’t be made up, it is so unbelievable, it has to be true”.

We live in a largely shallow world. We often live with some residual distortions when our relationships are over and one of them is that everyone exposed to the smear campaign thinks about what the predator said to them, day and night. The reality is that they don’t. People have their own lives to worry about, their own problems. Perhaps for the moment the lies being told to others, would seem believable to those listening, but we have to question people who are invested in the psychopaths drama. Do they really have any credibility when they believe without your side of the story? In the end, it doesn’t matter, even though at the time, it is very hurtful.

One of the most painful things a survivor deals with during the smear campaign is that she loses people that she wholeheartedly believed cared for her. This can happen literally overnight. It’s very difficult to put things into a balanced and healthy perspective when you are under a heavy burden of the distortions created by the psychopath and those who find him remotely credible. If people believe the predators narrative of you, you are better off without them. Healthy people will look with suspicion upon the predator’s stories of pity. Believe it or not, there are those out there who dislike this  man and his drama, but for those who are believing what is essentially no more than a five year old child’s verbal temper tantrum and “tattling”, you’ve got to question their levels of maturity. The predator is so self involved he believes that others want to hear his stories of woe. He believes that people think about him day in and day out, another reason he keeps talking, long after people have stopped listening, long after he is remotely believable. The psychopath/narcissists lack of empathy, always trips them up eventually. Give him rope by walking in dignity and grace without reacting.

The hardest thing you will ever do during a smear campaign is the refusal to fight back. Yes, you will get the opportunity to share your story, but in maintaining your silence until the dust settles and doing exactly the opposite of what the predator expects out of you in response (reacting, trying to prove you’re not what he says you are, etc), means you are walking in grace and maturity. Because psychopaths/narcissists are without empathy, if you walk in grace with a refusal to respond or react to his malicious gossip, it will be you who is ultimately more believable. If others attempt to speak with you about it, simply tell them that you will not, and that you do not wish to discuss him at all and do not wish to hear about his life. It is your right to do this. As he continues to talk, and you refuse to engage, he begins to look like the true asshat that he is. Time is the key here. This too shall pass. It is our reactions to what he is saying and doing, that encourages his belief that he has control in your life and can still hurt you.

Your dignity has already been severely compromised in the relationship. You can begin to get it back by not reacting to him and his attempts to humiliate and degrade you. People will think what they wish to think, but what will be very important to you is to hold on to what you know is the truth, about yourself and about him.

Psychopaths/narcissist live for a reaction out of others.

Don’t give him one. Wait for the opportunity to come in the future, at which time you’ll be able to remove his power with your strong, healing voice.


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125 Responses to Psychopath/Narcissist: The Smear Campaign

  1. lifebegins45 says:

    This was my life after (and during) the relationship. I could have written this one! Sooo important to survivors still questioning the monster that they got away from. The smear campaigns continue, though mine enlisted the tendency of others to gossip, to spread his lies. That way, he doesn’t claim blame, nor would anyone look at him as the culprit. It took one minute of talking to just the right person, and ‘voila”!

    • Lifers,

      We give them (psychopaths) more validation then they deserve. Our perceptions of him, as well as what he has done to us, are distortions from a long time of pedestal worship of this man.

      Believe it or not, there are people out there who know who they are, even if they can’t label it anything but toxic, immature or just plain stupid.

      Those that pay attention to him, are the drama Kings and Queens who distract with falling all over any tidbit of gossip they can get their hands on.

      The smear campaign, from my perspective, really shows what a person’s values are. The psychopath doesn’t have any, but those that listen or surround him, become extremely questionable.

      They aren’t worth being around either. Giving him any validation at all, is to give him power and blow more smoke up his ass and put him on a pedestal he doesn’t deserve to be on.

      His minion are as shallow and as much a waste of oxygen as he is.

      • Thank you for writing this. I feel so validated. I had no idea but this was happening to me all throughout my dating and brief marriage. And still. I am now being alienated from my only daughter by the abuser – a police officer – who is using the family court to re-victimize me. The daughter I raised alone for 12 years. These people are truly evil in my opinion.

      • FCV,

        I’m following your blog now and will check it out soon. Thank you so much for leaving your comment and sharing your experience. I’m most happy to hear that you feel validated…that’s what this is all about…please feel free to post in the future if you need too and I have an email on the right side of the blog if you need to discuss privately.

  2. lifebegins45 says:

    Very true! In my case, I discovered the culprit. Others that have a good view of me, came to me to talk to me about it. The facts and details of what was said to them, told me where it stemmed from. Also, who the pawn was. I see her in the same light as my X. A waste of space and air. I give her no time or attention other than what is needed to perform my job. She’s a Narcissist, through and through. Seriously. Those that know me, will call “B.S” to the lies. Others are just as seedy as my X. I won’t associate or deal with them at all.

    • Lifers,

      Excellent! Great discernment! I hope that your ability to see this has empowered you in your healing process! I’m so proud of you!

      • lifebegins45 says:

        Though it WAS shaky at first, it most definitely HAS! Also, as a survival tool while in the relationship, I learned how he thinks. That has also been empowering. I’ve kept management up on everything. The abuse is known, even if it isn’t fully understood, by them. Exposure is truly the best option :D

  3. recovered says:

    “They are sicker than we are smart”~ Sandra Brown, M.A.~author of “Women Who Love Psychopaths”.

    and HOW!!!!! i never had the unfortunate experience of a smear campaign from the x spath – but I got a taste of it while involved with him towards the end – i was unstable, insecure, – I could care less what he may say behind my back – probably nothing because I never came back or caused any problems in his life – my name would have really no reason to pop up in his life – he most likely wants to keep me hidden in the past with the rest of his past victims –

    since they are sicker than we are smart this is one sick puppy I NEVER want to have contact with or run into – their smear campaign is about as true as their persona – another lie to cover up another lie -

    • lifebegins45 says:

      Where’s that “like” button? Recovered: “their smear campaign is about as true as their persona – another lie to cover up another lie -”, oh such a nice way to put it. It just reaffirms their true nature, which is also nothing but LIES! Awesome!

      • recovered says:

        ha, they dont have a true nature – in fact i think even the real them is more or less a persona – lol now that is pretty bad – he is a different bastard to everyone he predates most likely – he will abuse all his victims differently according to what he knows will destroy them – hey lifebegins45 I have got this disorder down to almost a science – after two years of work to recover, in the end you finally GET the evil you were dealing with – walking, breathing, lying, manipulating, projecting, gaslighting machines with an on and off switch – not once trace of humanity within them – nothing turns them on or connects them to the human race – they are predators and we are simply their subjects – i felt like I was abducted by an alien space ship for 5 years and i was lucky he returned me back to earth after he had his fun with me – I like earth so much better

      • LOL!! That was GREAT recovered! Apt and well defined description of your ex and your experience, with relief at the end! It’s more than just gas. ugh!

  4. “As he continues to talk, and you refuse to engage, he begins to look like the true asshat that he is.” my favorite sentence–sent myinto hysterical laughter. Great post, so glad to have found you–this blog is definitely a part of my healing process.
    thank you


    • recovered says:

      This is by far one of the best recovery forum sites – it is backed up by someone with great knowledge, wisdom and 10 years experience with the involvement of a sociopath. The knowledge that is offered here came at a high price; but perhaps a price that is acquired to help other victims; that others may learn, believe and understand the recovery process. I am glad to be aboard “Theabilitytolove” and hope I can contribute in some small way from time to time what I learned in my personal journey -

      • Linda,

        You’re given me the spins! LOL! I just got your fb message, but haven’t had time to address it properly with the time it deserves. I’m leaving for a bit, but I will be back later to address.

      • Maggie May says:

        I just found this blog and I have to agree with you…this is one of the best most informative sights regarding these monsters. Kelli is a Godsend.

  5. His minion are as shallow and as much a waste of oxygen as he is. that sentence is important because I have been questioning how is it possible to have 5000 people fooled on facebook into thinking he is such a good person?

    I will have to re-read this post a few times to let it all sink in.


  6. Wow! It was like reading my own story … He still (ten years later after the divorce) bad mouths me and blames me that he has no relationship with his child. It’s easier to continue with the smear campaign especially when the ex has a following as an entertainer ( who believe his publicity … that he is a highly evolved spiritual being and a stand up parent! Not … five months in arrears for firstborn … and screwing on second wife with small toddlers … yup … classic textbook example of NPD! Thanks for the post! It helps with the healing process

  7. Harper, you can always ask. The thing is that both he and I have had mutual friends and aquaintences both in magic and acting for the past 30 years. And who do you think winds up looking like the crazy one’s? Myself and Mayr. This story goes back 30 years. If you are interested I can email you the links to the posts of my blog. But he is coming out here to perform at the Magic Castle on Jan 21 plus. I feel like I have to get the whole story out before then. Yes, I would be interested to know if your person at the Castle knows him. Feel free to ask them. Your friend would not happen to be Erica Larson by any chance?
    let me know Ivonne

  8. Yes, I live in Long beach and the fact that he is going to be out here makes me nervous because I don’t know what to expect. My email is if you email me I can send you the links to the story. I just recently found out about another women he was seeing the same time as me 30 years ago. It’s one thing to know he cheated with one woman but when others start to crop up you have to wonder just how deep the poop is so to speak.


    • Ivonne,

      I actually think you’re lucky to know. How much more validation do you need in that this guy is a total and complete asshat!

    • [''''''''''''I am worried that if he does make contact I wont know how I will respond to him. The last time I saw him was in June at a mutual friends B-day party and I was hoping for a reconciliation---but that was before I had met Mayr, the first wife and before knowing all that I know. I am afraid that he will still have a power over me. Granted he blocked me on skype and fb and has had no contact with me and has even told me not to contact him-----but I just fear my own self more than anything else. I am glad he lives in Australia with his second wife but with sociopaths you just dont know how they are going to react to anything. Thus far I don't think he knows that I am writing about him. He does know that I am friends with the first wife, that's when he blocked me and cut me off--untill then he was still stringing me along...
      And he has been known to break into homes and destroy property--you know the ususual NPD shit.....

      So, yes this is all still so fresh and I am working through it all.


    • I absolutely love the comraderie. This is wonderful. This is what I wish for. :) Such intelligent, beautiful people here! I’m very blessed!

  9. recovered says:

    too bad he doesnt learn to make himself vanish from the face of the earth

  10. Ivonne is just beginning to get a scope of the wide web of illusion this “dellusionist” has weaved. In the meantime by sharing our story it is helping with the healing process. The one thing Ivonne doesn’t have to deal with is ongoing abuse in the form of neglect, abandonment not to mention he is five months in arrears on child support while he posts on facebook what a great spiritual master he is, asking for people to buy his products to donate to children’s charities!! Here is the PSA I put together to help shine the light on truth. Please feel free to circulate. We are doing our best to expose this guy and hopefully step up an do the right thing. Not sure if that is possible in this lifetime … thanks for giving us a safe place to process in our healing.

    • Good question Harper, actually I believe that as long as what you are saying is the truth you can do it. It can only be considered slander if what you are saying is a lie and the burden of proof is on the person claiming it is a lie. So I believe you can call out these men on what they do such as the cheating, back child support. But if anyone out there has any legal knowledge would love the input.


      • I have a lot of proof and knowledge about my ex, however, I choose not to engage in providing a name, not because I give a rats ass about his welfare, but I do care about the welfare of those around him.

      • I did care and I kept quiet until I found out that he was telling lies about me to people that I had pursued him, etc. At that point I was like–ok you want fame I am going to give it to you. The only one who would be hurt is the current wife and I have come to the conclusion that she needs to know, especially since he is loooking for her replacement. I just didn’t work out well enought to replace her. So yes, using his name has come with a lot of fore thought. But he counts on no one telling and that is why he continues to cause havoc in people’s lives. Everything I put out there is the truth and will holdup in a court of law. I don’t want to hurt his wife but I want her to know the truth and it’s an ugly truth but hiding it doesn’t help anyone. So, yes both Mayr and I have given this a lot of thought and this is the direction we have been guided to take. The only way I can counter act his lies is by putting the real truth-not his version of it into cyberspace. I defintiley appreciate the support I have found here and hope I have not broken any rules.


      • Ivonne,

        You’ve not broken any rules. While I think I’m split about how I feel with regards to what you are doing, it isn’t me that will have to live with the outcome.

        I also think that when women tell or warn the new victim, they are most likely not going to be believed, but some, as in your situation, are able to find tremendous validation and healing in knowing that you two, separately, were not the only women this man has hurt.

        They fear exposure for sure, but after they are, they usually lay low, move, and/or create another persona to which they will go out and capture more victims. It’s a never ending cycle, and as long as we have so many, many willing victims in the world, a psychopath will always be able to pick up another at any time.
        Another issue I would need to resolve within about exposure would be intent. What is my intent? Is it vindictive? What about the many people involved, who would be hurt? Is it worth it? Those sorts of questions.

        My intent here is to educate survivors who are trying to find answers, understanding and support after their experiences. I don’t need to name names to do that, but I have no problem sharing my experience and I don’t need to use his name to convey it and help others.

        Just some thoughts and don’t worry, this is your decision and I’m certainly not going to condemn you for what you feel is best to do in your situation.

      • If there had been some truth about this man a year ago I may have made different choices. If any truth had been out there in the past 30 years my life might have been different. The only way I know to help some other woman not be a victim of this man is by putting a name to the truth. He has already hurt a number of women, incuding his teen age daughter. And yes there will always be victims for a sociopath to pick from. But if we name the sociopath then maybe there might be less victims in the future. If we get physically raped we can name our perpretater and take him to court. But we do not have the same recourse when we get emotionally or soul raped. So no it’s not about being vindictive it’s about warning other women. It’s about putting the truth out there so the next one might have more options than I did which was to believe the spin on the false persona. It is a choice that has not come easily……


    • Thank you make a lot of valid points but he did tell me a lot of lies like they had talked about divorce, don’t sleep in the same bed—I am sure we have heard it all before and I really had no idea about his unscrupolous (sp?) past. It is what it is. And I am aware there may be ramifications but I will deal with those as they come along. I used to say the magician, now I just use his name. He has put in a position where I lied and covered up for him both in business and personal life and I just can’t do that anymore. It might be pointless other than it does help to keep me sane at this point. But I do understand what you are saying.


    • What you have said is just what I want to do. I want 2013 to be about me. I want to put the story behind me and move on with the goals I had put aside one year ago.

      thank you


  11. Harper,

    I think the pathological does a good job on his own of undoing himself eventually without our help in calling him out by name. Granted, there are some situations where that would be warranted in the event of a criminal case, but otherwise, it’s rather pointless.

  12. recovered says:

    ATTN: Kelli – can we change the channel of our private conversations ? My daughter has the password to my facebook – can you send me your direct e-mail please via facebook or if you have mine you can send it that way – but NOT thru FB – I deleted our conversations – can a person change their FB password if so how do you do that? Thanks

    • Linda,

      I’ll give you my email through FB. You can change the password if you go to your account settings on FB, which should be in the upper right hand corner of your home page. There is a symbol that looks like a wheel. If you click on that, a drop down menu should appear that gives you a list of your settings.

      I’m not a big FB fan and much prefer to be here writing or providing support through email and phone, although I do through face book too, just don’t like it as much.

      So if you prefer to chat through email or by phone, I am open to that too.

      Hang in there!

  13. Keep up the good work. Very good post, highly appreciated. Hope to see some more of your stuffs.

  14. Madeitout says:

    Had to move across the country to get away from him and his smear campaign against me. He demonised me and scandalised me, to his co workers and his friends, long before I filed for a divorce and left him. I still cannot believe how easily people who had no personal relationship with me could get themselves so worked up and make it their business to treat me like dirt whenever I run into them. Moving away and making sure his family and mine knew what a nightmare he had been to live with was my final act. Never go quietly when it comes to your nearest and dearest because the N will have no problem smearing you and turning everyone against you. He has tried to divide me from our adult children but they have not forgotten, what a hateful mess he is up close, they want nothing to do with him.

  15. Yoyo212 says:

    The cheating, lieing, verbal abuse, manipulation, decit-ect. I could take and work through. But the smear campaign was the worst. I felt so helpless because I couldn’t do anything about it. I had no idea it was going on. Reading this stuff really helps because the pattern is always the same.

    Cleaning up the mess they make seems infinite.

    It’s funny because, those who he really used to smear me saw through the whole sham and I have become even closer with them. Thus, I was not isolated and alienated. I remember he told me that I was alienating the people in “our lives,” therefore, my it was my fault. . When, in reality it was he who was keeping them away from me by talking behind my back by going on a smear rampage.

    I can tolerate a lot of nonsense from people-but the “smear” is where I draw the line.

    He won’t even return his former smear friends calls or anything-further reinforcing the fact that he is a psycho. (Why, that’s a question we all have, is it jealousy or because the gig is up?)

    Now he is into blind copying me on emails thy he is sending to my family.

    Also, to do the opposite of what they expect is the best advice. It’s really hard not to show any emotions when they attack. I keep rational by telling myself that this is all for his love or dramatics and it is not real.

    The one frightening thing is the he expected a huge blow up on my part by the end. Thankfully I grew suspicious and started to do the opposite. I think in the end, it prevented the total destruction of my life and I emerged unscathed.

  16. abdullah says:

    I am currently recovering from an abusive relationship and living through a smear campaign and this article is so far the best advice I’ve got. Thanks a lot

  17. butch says:

    I am reaching out with hopes to connect with others whom may be experiencing as similar situation such as mine. I left my Narcissist, faced the rage/projection B.S. and have cut all ties. In the interim a smear campaign has been lodged against me using abandonment as the key tactic. At this point I could really care less as I had reached my end with the narcissist. One of the things she did was to cut me off from everyone we know together, and understandably so since she doesn’t wish for me to share in my experience. The thing I found odd, in relation to everything I am reading about the devaluation stage, discarding and the smear campaign is that about a month into NC she showed up at my work (I work in a grocery store). Now, she acted “surprised” to see me, which is strange since she knows my schedule. She was cool, friendly and had said, “I was wondering when I was going to see your face”. I had this guessing that she came to see if I was suffering from her smear campaign and falling apart, which I am not. I found the whole thing chilling and creepy. I stayed cordial and kept my distance. She wanted a hug which I refused. Can anyone share a similar experience of their narc appearing out of the blue after initiating a smear campaign to check on them? And what was it like for you?

    • Welcome to the blog. I’m sorry you’ve had this experience.

      I would like to suggest another forum to you that I think you’d find VERY helpful to you. I’ve worked with male survivors before, but many men are not aware of this site and are glad when they find out it exists. It’s called “A Shrink4Men”. It is excellent and insightful, there you will find more than an answer to this question but tons of info from other men who have experienced what you have. I appreciate your arrival here, as it reminds me to post a link for men to my blogroll to the site.

      In answer to your question, yes. The narcissist or psychopath likes to stalk. This is what happened to you. They do enjoy your pain, particularly if they know they have or can, cause it. I think you handled it very well and no reaction is the appropriate response to your ex narc. Another thing they completely enjoy.

      This is very common behavior for narcissists and psychopaths. It’s all about power and control, and this is just one of the ways in which they continue to assess whether or not they have that control remaining over their victims. Many survivors don’t know that their ex’s are finding out that a survivor is absolutely miserable, this is why NO CONTACT Is very important in the recovery process, as it removes power from the psychopath or narcissist and gives it back to you, through self empowerment.

      So far so good, for you! I wish you well in your recovery. :)

  18. Maggie May says:

    My ex-fiance (psychopath) is a cardiologist in a city with a population of less than 200,000. Everyone knows everything about everybody. Because he is a physician, he has immediate credibility. His ex-wife is an alcoholic and when he decided to divorce her, he did everything he could to publicly annihilate her by playing the victim. His words, “she was an alcoholic during the last fifteen years of our marriage and she fooled me into believing she had a mental illness (dissociative disorder). She abused and neglected my children. I felt sooo betrayed.” People are caught so off guard when he tells his tale of woe, especially when he tears up. He was married to her for 26 years. She’s a black-out alcoholic. Pretty hard to believe he didn’t know.

    He married her because her parents had money. His father actually encouraged him to marry her for that exact reason. He stayed with her because he couldn’t stand the thought of losing custody of the kids to her. He can’t stand to lose at anything. She told him she would accuse him of molesting their daughters. Her parents had enough money to back up her accusations. So he stayed until the youngest child was old enough to decided which parent he wanted to live with. Of course, his son chose him.

    That was a quick background into him.

    He smears by consistently playing the victim. For example, he would tell his family (and anyone else who would listen–he has a big mouth and is a terrible gossip) that I would leave him for no reason. What he failed to tell them is that he had so much self-inflicted drama in his life that he sucked the very life out of me with his complaints. His constant need of praise and attention was exhausting! He also didn’t bother to tell them that whenever I did something he didn’t like or approve of, he would punish me with the silent treatment or lectures of how selfish I was acting. How I hated it when he would preface his lectures with, “can we talk?” He did his children that way too. Should I also mention how many times he would tell me to pack my things and get out of his house when I didn’t mind him? I don’t have the energy to write about his his sex addiction or his constant need for thrills and excitement. He tells everyone we had a toxic relationship. That’s the only type of relationship he can have!

    I’ve had no contact with him for seven months. I rarely talk about him, but I recently opened up to someone and told him how much I hate Dr. Crazy. My friend said, “some people earn your hate.” Well said.

  19. But what's puzzling you is just the nature of my game says:

    I’ve been going through this nightmare for a very long time, since childhood onward. In my situation, they were close family members, who I trusted and loved deeply. When I realized the gravity of deception and how far this rabbit hole went, it left me psychologically paralyzed, my mind constantly in auto-loop, PTSD-type of trauma. I’ve lost everyone, and the worse thing about it is no one will tell me what was said behind my back b/c that would be a betrayal to the psychopaths, who they believe are the victims, who hide behind ceremonious good deeds. In short, those who are above question . All I get are the strange looks, whispers, laughter, more and more isolation.

    This slander-to-destroy process takes time to manifest in others and in the person who is their target(s). Yes, you will internalize their projections. You will question your own sanity. One of the survival tactics that I acquired, unconsciously of course, is an excellent memory. People call me Rainman b/c I could give Rainman-type recall. Some call it autobiographical memory. You will need a good memory to mentally survive b/c they will gaslight the hell out of you. All narcissists/psychopaths do this. Psychologically, emotionally, even spiritually abuse you and then deny, deny, deny. You will also never have a sincere conversation. They are only gathering information and more insight on how to better mirror, exploit, use, manipulate you.

    I had signs all along but kept giving them benefit of the doubt b/c they are so wicked and cruel, someone who doesn’t think like they do can’t possibly grasp the whole picture (that’s their advantage – no rules, no limitations). When there is a psychopath team at play – be it family members, friends, co-workers – they will validate each other when they go on a smear campaign, giving their lies more credibility i.e., “Yeah, we saw him/her do _________ (fill in the blank…..steal, cheat, etc…..usually what they themselves are doing at the time – the irony). When their mask starts slipping, that’s your cue to GET OUT – RUN, that’s your cue that your reputation is so far gone that they are not even hiding from you anymore. This is when gaslight abuse is in full effect and your very life could be in jeopardy, definitely your mental health is.

    The blogger is absolutely right. They are petrified of being exposed, especially from a legit source. That’s the reason for the slander, and it usually starts years in advance while you have no idea. I mean who really does that, right? That’s moral insanity. Because psychopaths/narcissists are deemed always in criminal light like Bundy and Arias, average people don’t think that the granny next store, or their highly regarded church leader, teacher, and the like are hidden monsters reaping absolute destruction in the lives of their targets.

    Finally, another bingo – you got yourself a psychopath on your hands – is that dupers delight smile – creepy yet gleeful. I’m sure you’ve all seen it. It is creepy as hell. I recently watched an online video by psychopath expert,Thomas Sheridan who perfectly demonstrated their smile. It was so dead on that I instinctively flinched away from my lap top. I tried to find the video to paste here, but could not find it. Below is a video he did on “them smirking eyes”. We’ve all seen that too.

    Thomas Sheridan on Them Smirking Eyes

    We’ve all had an education here that money can’t buy. We walked on roads few will ever traveled. We are forever changed because of it.

    • Excellent post and I appreciate your sharing your experience and thoughts which are dead on accurate about the disordered.

      Those of us who write about psychopaths are targets. Either from our ex predators or people who become aware of our work, we are targets.

      The gaslight before, during and after the smear campaign is one of incredible intensity that throws survivors into serious emotional trouble to say the least.

      Your post is very throught provoking. I use to be a huge fan of Thomas Sheridan…but then discovered that he is apparently a psychopath too.


  20. But what's puzzling you is just the nature of my game says:

    Dear ATL,

    Thanks for your reply. Yeah, after a while of research, I was getting that same kind of vibe from Sheridan. In fact, I listened to one of his online radio interviews, and one of the listeners had raised a great point that the perfect hiding place for a psychopath would be someone who is an expert on psychopathy like himself. He professed on the broadcast he wasn’t one though.

    i just found your blog tonight, and plan on reading it all the way through, including your readers’ insightful comments. I don’t know about you or the others who found their way here, but I am dealing with major trust issues and even paranoia. Can’t shake it no matter how hard I try. I am very cognizant that what I’m about to write will sound utterly crazy, but I swear there is some nugget of truth to it. I don’t want to get into particulars here for the sake of anonymity, but there were police reports and sound witnesses to some of these strange events in my life.

    There is a phenomenon called organized gang stalking. It’s basically when you piss off the wrong person (usually a psychopath/narcissist) and they go on a massive slander campaign, not just hitting your family and friends but it spreads out into your community,where you work and live. Soon, everyone is distancing themselves from you. You experience rude stares from the public, very rude behavior, being followed by strangers, break ins where they move things around but don’t take anything – gas lighting. In short, all the hallmarks of psychopathic abuse but it is by proxy. Again, gang stalking is psychopath abuse by proxy.

    There have been some credible news stories in some cases. A police officer in California went on the record in a news story that gang stalking is a growing problem. But i caution you, there is a lot of crazy talk like people blaming the government, that they hear voices from their tooth, people wearing tin foil hats from directed energy weapons. So there is a lot of info out there but there is a lot of disinformation too.

    These family psychopaths pushed so many of my psychological buttons that I would react to it on cue b/c at the time I wasn’t in on the game, or knew how it works. It’s kind of like when someone is pinching you on the sly, and pinching you, and when they pinch you hard the third time, you lose your shit on them and they are looking at you like “Who, me?”. That’s metaphorically what they did to me,So basically, i played right into their hands. The irony here is that my own life – if they stopped messing with it – was great – married to a wonderful husband for 15 years, amazing children, educated, own two homes, financially secure. They had to tare me down and this was their way. My life to them was an anomaly. They wanted me to be dependent on them, to be on strung out on drugs, to play the role they wrote for me, crazy. Their end goal was for me to have a nervous breakdown, to commit suicide. I never did have a nervous breakdown – no hospitalization, no medication. What I did and still do experience is deep psych trauma, so deep that i think it caused my DNA to change. i had 8 months where my throat closed on me. I took video of my arms, legs, having involuntary spasms. The stress they caused me came shy of destroying me. And the nightmares are horrible. Always losing my ability to speak. The nightmares had a prophecy-type feel to them. In fact, they helped me go no contact – going on two years.

    • Good for you!

      The paranoia can add to the paranoia though. I’m quite cautious about that. There are things going on in government and society that are so obviously narcissistic and psychopath so as not to be surprising and to often be met with apathy.

      I think any suggestions that I’m alone in my thinking or that it’s some paranoid delusion would be inaccurate. I don’t know if you read some of the political pages or blogs, but while I’m weary of them now, there are lots of voices out there chiming with the same thing. I”m actually surprised, on the pages and blogs how familiar people are becoming with the word psychopath and applying it appropriately. The advocating for the removal of rights of others, austerity measures, and millions suffering is hardly paranoia, ya know?

      I do understand what you mean about it though. I’m not real big into conspiracy theories and i won’t sit around talking about it all day either because it heightens paranoia, but I’ve learned to be cautious instead. I know i’m a target and I know why. But this isn’t unusual for anyone who supports and writes. Theyre are trolls all over the place online. Most are annoying, some can be persistent like roaches, and others can be downright dangerous.

      If I worried about it obsessively though I’d get nothing written. So I don’t.

      Congrats on your two years out! That’s awesome! I believe the changes in your bodily chemistry. I have experienced changes in mine as well and I also believe as you do that unrelenting abuse and stress, can do a number on the nerves. Literally. I do not disconnect body from mind as I believe that’s impossible, however in many ways it’s still done with a shake of the head out of me. I don’t get it.

      Coming from a pathological background doesn’t mean we come out unscathed by any means and you’re clear on that. Your awareness will take you a long way.

      feel free to ‘scrutinize’ my blog if you’d like. I say this lightheartedly because I do believe, that to some extent we are all checkin each other out as to whether or not we are ‘disordered’. I realize that the disorders are those of extremes and while I’ve certainly met some ‘extreme’ survivors in paranoia in reaction to their spaths, I do know that trust is earned and not given and I view it the same. I’m totally open to scrutiny as long as comments reflect respect for the blog and for those who post here. I would expect that for you and your presence here as well, that you are treated with respect with communication.

      Thanks again for your input. I enjoy listening to survivors describe their pathological backgrounds. They are not so much shocking now as they create a connection in feeling that I wasn’t the only one who lived it.

      Peace and feel free to read and peruse!

  21. But what's puzzling you is just the nature of my game says:

    You raise a good point about how we may, at one time or another, question if we too are cluster B disordered. There was a French movie I watched several years ago. I think it was called High Anxiety, but not sure. The narrative started off about a girl going home with a friend to visit her friend’s family in the French countryside. During the night, the maniac kills her friend’s family, and the viewer is rooting for both girls’ survival to only come to the horror that the friend/house guest was the actual maniac.She had a complete break from reality, and disassociated from the horror she caused this peaceful, loving family. I think one who comes to the knowledge that they are who they fear most – cluster B – must have some kind of disassociation revelation, maybe not so evil or dramatic as the girl in High Anxiety.

    My good memory was formed for all intent and purpose to anchor myself in reality. i read through all the checklists, and some of the key characteristics – pathological lying, manipulative, sexy/charming, no emphathy etc. I do not have. Could I have chosen to forge that path in life? We all could have. Heck, they seem to get a pay off, at least here on earth. My faith in an all seeing, all knowing (even down to our very motives) God, who we will one day stand in front of and give an account of our time on earth. One of my favorite verses is the very last one in Ecclesiastes about (paraphrasing) everything hidden, be it for good or for evil, will be revealed before God or the assembly, can’t remember exactly but you get the point that I’m trying to make. I am a sinner, and need Jesus like the next person, be it an empath or psychopath..I am not better than they are and vice-versa. But the Bible cautions us about reprobates and the reprobate mind, which sounds familiar to narc/psychopath.. Having a conscience is part of the divine, we are made in His image after all. It is what makes us human just like flying makes a bird a bird. Remove the conscience and you’re on auto-pilot,’re not really there.

    I was far from God for 10 years, and had a head knowledge of Him, but my heart grew cold. It was during those years away that I acted utterly foolish and played right into the hands of my enemies. They had the goods on me, however they wanted to spin it. They had Got-ya moments stacked and loaded. Reading Proverbs, teaches us how to respond to people like psychopaths. Don’t engage at all, Flee evil. i’m doing that now, but I am hypervigilent nonetheless.

    OK, Now I feel bad for writing shit in previous comment. I never use profanity anymore, but that word in that moment sounded right.

    Thanks for your great insights into these disorder and their targets.

    Also, I’m new to the term troll. I have a general idea, Are they hackers or just spam?

    • Puzzling,

      Trolls-psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists or otherwise toxic individuals or groups who wish to upset the status quo of a page or blog with stalking, inflaming, emotional/verbal provocation, or otherwise out of proportion, inappropriate targeting that can include alot of accusations at the target that are unwarranted, disrespectful, etc. They are very obvious to me, some more insidious, but they never take long to reveal.

      Your posts are thought provoking and I enjoy them. I’ve heard of the movie but can say I have not seen it.

      I think it’s good to question whether or not we are Cluster B, but I think most of us who do and bother to research it while sweating out the possibilities are probably not cluster b. Cluster B’s don’t usually ask themselves if they’re Cluster B’s because they don’t see anything wrong with themselves.

      This is one thing my therapist becomes annoyed with me about. I’ve been in therapy now for two years in August. I have spent that entire time ‘pathologizing’ myself trying to convince HER that something is wrong with me. Cluster b. Am I a borderline then maybe, ya think if not one of the others? She rolls her eyes and says, “K, if you had a personality disorder, I DEFINITELY would have known it by now, trust me, they fill up a room! You have PTSD, but you are NOT Cluster B. But I still do it. I still pathologize. I began to realize that while I’m not Cluster B, I do have pathological outcomes in thinking as a result of living with psychopaths for a lifetime. It’s taken me two years to identify it. Black and white thinking is one of them. This has been the hardest for me to break. Most things are not black and white. So I have to work hard on assuming a grey area. That’s difficult when it comes to psychopaths. Their thinking IS black or white, night or day. The difference is that I’m aware of it. I think that’s what makes those of us who come from these homes different and hence, a potential understanding, maybe? about your paranoia. People who are acutely aware ask a lot of questions about themselves and their behavior throughout the healing process, trying to break patterns and such. A cluster B never will. If a Cluster B ends up in therapy, it’s court ordered or they’re trying to manipulate their victim in some way or perhaps to become even more skilled in manipulation. What better ‘win’ for a Cluster b than to throw off a therapist. I love my therapistss stories about Cluster B’s who come in for therapy. They are a riot. She is really, really good with her radar. She says they NEVER stay long. Maybe once, maybe twice, but that’s it. Nevertheless, the last story of the narcissist who came in had me in stitches.
      Anyway….talking about scripture and the bible bothers me. I’ve opened the bible only a couple of times since my relationship ended. It is very triggering for me when people throw out bible versus to support whatever point their are making in conversation. My ex use to do this and it was very very irritating to me because I knew why he was doing it. Having read the bible before my relationship began, a lot, I always had questions. And I would ask my Christian friends about it. My inquiries were never met with real conversation in which the question was explored but more a subtle message that asking isn’t polite and is not being faithful. It’s the word Of God and all of it was true. Well, I wasn’t buying that, because it was man who wrote it, therefore an interpretation. There are many many contradictions within its pages. It is a beautiful read and I like to term the use of text and verse as something meaningful and interpretated by the person reading it. Like a long love letter from God to the person reading. What I might interpret, someone else might not and I have a great deal of trouble with those who use it to advance their personal agendas and hate or trying to control others. I have had way too many Christian survivors struggle with the spiritual piece in leaving their psychopathic Christian spouses. So, I don’t throw it around here and I don’t like it when people throw it at me to promote an agenda, or to ‘insist’ that I pray a certain way or think a certain thought. Ya know? I respect others rights to read and interpret in a way that it’s personal and God is delivering a message to them personally and ‘speaking’ into their life. I don’t mind others sharing waht their experiences are with that, but when it comes to using it to promote hate, agendas and abuse, I draw the line.

      Sorry, rambling! LOL! ANyway, I understand clearly what the bible says about evil. Why on God’s green earth believers got the idea that all are good and redeemable I’ll never know, probably agenda promoting or abuse excusing, but it exists and I’ve lived with it long enough to know, that through experience, it’s better to consider good and evil while living in this world, rather than only good. Since my relationship ended, I don’t tolerate bullshit well. Especially when it comes to psychopaths. It would be completely irresponsible of me to say that evil has a redemptive quality or that God’s grace would be sufficient. Evil exists for many reasons, but I think in consideration of this, what it has done for me, is teach.

      Puzzling….just truly thought provoking. I really appreciate your posts.

      • Annette says:

        When I question my own sanity, I remind myself that PTSD is a normal psychological response to abnormal circumstances.

        I met my XP in Church where he hides behind a mask of Christianity, etc. It’s a long story and pretty typical. For me, studying God’s Word in the bible (I like your characterization of it as “a long love letter from God”) has helped me understand the XP in the context of that there really is evil, why it exists, how he thinks, what his motives are, and how it contrasts with God’s goodness and the good he wants for all of us. I put a lot of stock in the Bible’s description of what will happen to evil, it will be restrained, it won’t be around forever, God will administer true justice, etc. I have also found that doing what God says to do, like in Proverbs and elsewhere, gives me peace and a real power against the evil the XP and those like him want to inflict.

    • annettepk says:

      Re using the word “shit” and your remorse for it: I try to differentiate between right and wrong times to use strong language. Sometimes it is telling the truth to use strong words, and even obscene words to describe something that is truly obscene. Jesus used strong language and he rightly accused the Pharisees of the evil that they were doing.
      My ex Psychopath often accused me of being in the wrong for being too strong, crude, etc. when I was describing his evil BS. He was trying to blame me for noticing and calling him on what he was doing, like I was the one doing wrong to mention it.

  22. But what's puzzling you is just the nature of my game says:


    Thanks for your info on trolls, and great insight on questioning if we’re cluster b or just have residual effects of being raised in constant spatial disorientation a.k.a. in craziness.

    I apologize if my reference to Biblical verses offended you or anyone who comes here seeking answers, validation, or just a safe place to land. That wasn’t my intent, but could see how it might have looked that way. Reading the Bible and prayer has kept me from falling into that mental abyss, but taking walks in nature could be the solution for another and so on. I know what you mean though about human evil, and how a good God can allow it. Can no longer read or watch news stories (HLN is blocked from my TV) about children getting abused, hurt or killed. It seems like society is getting worse, maybe we’re becoming more indifferent to human suffering b/c we see it everywhere and there’s a hopelessness attached to it. Just started a book by C.S.Lewis called The Problem of Pain that addresses this same topic.

    Thanks again for letting our voices be heard. That’s half the healing right there. God bless you and others who are walking on this same road to awareness.

    • Puzzling,

      You did not offend me one bit. I appreciate that survivors do what they need to spiritually, to comfort themselves and/or to find peace.

      What I shared comes from a place of great pain spiritually, because of the last psychopaths wounding of me this way. It is my issue, so please don’t think it’s not okay to share what helps you. I pray too, a lot and I seek God for answers, but I know that I’m responsible for making the effort too because I’ve learned that while he is there for solace for me, He isn’t going to force me to do anything to heal myself and nor is he going to force a psychopath not to be evil or lacking in conscience. I have to do the work, as all survivors do, but if prayer and bible reading helps you than I completely support that.

      I believe you are right about society. There is a lot of narcissism, but equally as much apathy. I don’t think things will change until we are, collectively, angry enough at the despairing to change it. My friend Betty LaLuna, said something very profound not too terribly long ago that resonated great with the current state of society “America is trauma bonded”. In my opinion, no truer words have been spoken.

      I appreciate your comments and sharing.

      • Annette says:

        My XP was constantly twisting scripture which he knew very well, to justify his evil. It was his ultimate attempt to trump the good God intends, to twist His words, and to turn me away from God, to separate me from a friend and supporter. Psychopaths do what they do to everyone, and God is no exception.

      • I think the greatest of all evil, even though psychopaths are just that through and through, is the exploitation of God as well as exploitation and spiritual abuse of survivors. The level of depravity in doing such a thing to someone, to try to separate them from God, is just indescribable to me, but something I had not heard before, in the way you’ve described it here. Their intent is to turn you away from God. That is exactly what my ex wanted to do to me too. thank you Annette. I learn and have epiphanies from survivors often and this one is important to me for clarification.

  23. AnotherVictim says:

    Reading this blog entry and all the comments gave me courage to share my story, that although it may be completely atypical for it happened in the cyberworld rather in the real world, still describes the behavior of these sick things called Sociopaths/Narcissists/Psychopaths. I will call him a Cyberpath, which is nothing but a Sociopath who has access to the internet. I firmly believe that the anonymity of the internet gives these monsters the perfect environment to play their sick games and schemes. I will try to make my story as short as possible so please bear with me. Back in December I joined a website. There I met the cause of all my problems who at the time cleverly disguised himself as a friend who according to his own words “cared deeply” for me and we were “the best of friends” I was initally and instantly attracted to this person because of the charm he put on in the beginning. Back then I was completely unaware of the term called Narcissistic/Sociopath Charm.

    This person was the soul of the party, constantly being the center of attention in the chat thread wether posting links related to the show or making comments about anything. He had to be in the spotlight at all times. One of the red flags I swept under the rug was the fact that whenever said person was not being the center of attention he would simply hijack the chat thread with his attention seeking tactics and if it wasn’t enough he would silently leave and not come back after an hour or two. Since the beginning this person tried to woo the Administrator of the forum(later I discovered this is Modus Operandi in every forum he partcipates and sadly it pays off becomes instantly he befriends the Administrators) and at the time I didn’t understand but now I do. Narcissists and Sociopaths love to get special status and feel like they are above others because in case something goes wrong they have protection. Because of his charm and charisma which is nothing but a mask, he has duped Administrators into believe he is their friend and confidante and they in return make him a Moderator. In the honeymoon stage he would bombard the Admins with attention, flattery, and every trick in the book. This person showed signs of entitlement such as wanting for the forum activities to cease for a day just because he wanted to play a videogame he bought.

    As if the world revolved around him and his needs were a priority to everyone else. Unfortunately for him his flattery and hipocrisy with the Admin didn’t work and because he couldn’t stand being in the back burner and the forum did not revolve around him he left but he made sure that he snatched another member of the forum who happened to be an Administrator at another forum. They never go down without screwing with one or two in the process and they are always after people who can increase their standing. With manipulations and lies he turned her against the Admin who hadn’t give in into his games and she left never to speak to him again. Later she made the Cyberpath/Narc a Moderator and to this day they are “close friends”

    But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. This person made me believe he was my friend and I completely trusted him only to be betrayed, manipulated with lies, being a victim of future faking, a victim of smear campaigns and ultimately being devalued, discarded and ignored. All of his covert manipulations and smear campaigns happened while he professed to be my friend and care deeply for me. His needs always came first. If he wanted something you HAD to give it or else he would get passive agressive and stonewall you with the famous silent treatment or he would withdraw whatever it is you wanted from him. But when you needed something and he wasn’t in the mood he would not do it and if you dared to even express your discomfort he would get upset. Such double standards with these people. If he wasn’t interested he wouldn’t do it no matter if it was something he had promised to do and showed interest before. Either you played by his rules or he would make sure to punish you with his covert hostilities.Whenever he did something that would upset me and I spoke about it he would get defensive, make outrageous lies and excuses and shift the blame so would end up apologizing for reacting to his shitty behavior.

    All of this while secretly damaging my reputation claming that I was being too hard on him, that I treated him like crap. They love to play the victim. His public persona was that of a good, caring guy while secretly through private messages he would be haughty, arrogant and condescending towards me when the devaluation process started. One of the things that striked me was the fact that he had almost no friends and he expressed he preferred online friends. I never understood how someone as good, charming and caring would be so friendless. Now I know why. As long as you can be of any use to him and he can benefit somehow, he will be your “friend” but once your purpose has ended you will become yesterday’s newspaper just like I am right now. Also his interest in sexual perversion and violence was something that later I discovered is a common theme for Sociopath/Narcs. People who have seen his picture say he looks too serious and someone went as far as to say that he looks like a serial killer. I know that not all disordered individuals fits that criteria but I wanted to share it for what it may be worth. He is prone to boredom and is constantly multitasking so his mind stays busy because boredom is something unbearable to him.

    He used to mimic me a lot. Mimic certain things like phrases, jokes, likes as if it were his idea. I wasn’t aware of the envy that Narcissists have towards people so I never undestoof why he always wanted to excel and be better than me and win at all costs because in his warped mind he had to win even when we weren’t in any type of competition. This person used to say he cared deeply for me and that we were the best of friends but one of the things he did was isolate me from friends we had in common by spreading lies about me and exclude me from his plans as part of passive agression towards me. One time we were talking about a show we both liked and I shared the links so he could watch it. Later I knew he created a forum about it and never invited me. This was very hurtful because I thought that the least he could do to pay it forward was to invite me because I gave him the links and not only because of that but because he knew I liked that show and we were friends. As part of the devaluation, he would not post or interact in another forum we both participated and he would wait for me to be gone to then appear and post. I waited for consistency before I asked what was wrong. Little did I know that after the love bombing of the honeymoon phase and that once he had control over me the devaluation began.

    I asked because I felt like he had changed so much.Of course he denied. When I asked why he was acting differently towards me he would say Ï’m not good at opening up like a book for everyone to read. I build walls that keep people away from my thoughts because I don’t want to be vulnerable, exposed and insecure”This coming frome someone who had bombarded my with affection and love months before!! Another time he said: “How many times should I say it? Everything is fine. You worry too much. You do that and gray hair is bound to come out” Instead of being straightforward and say that he no longer wished to have me in his inner circle or that he got bored of me he would deny it because these people do not value honesty and conflict solving. They thrive on the manipulation, games and lies and he made sure that I believed that everything was fine while he planned the final scene in his grand theatre of tragedy. I know that it is silly to fall for someone you met on the internet but he was so nice and charming that I developed feelings for him. This made me even more vulnerable to his games. He knew about my feelings and he went as far as to say that one day we would meet each other and we would be intimate. This is what people call Future Faking and is a tactic used by manipulators to get what they want in the moment when in fact they have no intentions to make those plans a reality. I was too naive at the moment and fell for this. He would describe how we would meet at the airport, how we would spend time together, etc.

    At one time, after the constant mixed signals and head games I gave up and simply went No Contact. Because I always had to “chase” him by initiating contact (something that Narcissists love because they desire to feel like they are a necessity) he finally gave in after ten days and hoovered me with a nice private message saying: “I’m so, so, so sorry for not PM’ing you at all during these so many days. I really am and now I feel like crying because I’m ashamed of myself. I’m sorry” I knew better than to fall for his pity play tactics. He receives notifications to everything that happens on the forum even to this day months after leaving because these people always stalk and keep tabs on their victims. Of course he knew I was posting the entire time so there was no way he could have forgotten about me. I just went with the flow and politely said that it was okay, that we were cool. He replied “I feel like such a shitty friend” He tried to use my empathy to condone his behavior so I could fall for another of his tricks. I didn’t. I said that all was fine.

    Of course he was on his best behavior, we were talking as if nothing bad had ever happened until I did something that upset him. I remembered when he would “forget” to reply my messages so I waited a few days before replying to his last message. When I replied I apologized trying to play him at his own manipulation games. It failed. You can never win with these people. After reading my apology he replied in a very cold fashion saying: “Hey X, I know you have a life outside the internet. I’m majorly nerfed in the forums and topics I’m in, also making some people sad or upset by it, I guess but meh that’s life when vacations are over” This was a slap on my face because he knew we had many plans and he had the nerve to say that. I interpreted it as if he meant: “I guess you’re upset or sad because I’m not posting at the forum you are but if that’s the case, deal with it” I wasn’t going to fall into his games and become defensive so I simply replied “Well, I don’t know who’s upset or sad by it. I’m not. Yes, I used to get upset in the beginning but I’m pretty much over it” This neutralized him and he couldn’t get a raise out of me.

    Days later he had to leave the forum for almost a month. Because he was upset and as part of his passive agressiveness he didn’t message me saying he would be gone. Days passed and even when he came back he didn’t pursue contact with me in spite of knowing how much I cared about him and how worried I would get. The only way I had of knowing he was gone was lurking at another forum he is with the girl he manipulated in the beginning of my story. That was the last straw for me so I went No Contact but this time I blocked him so he could not send me private messages. He didn’t care. Instead he had now full permission to start another smear campaign on how I had abandoned him and how bad I was. I fell into a depression because he started manipulating people from my inner circle and turning them against me. I was confused because even after his mask of sanity had come off I still missed the good times, the charming and caring person I met. Someone that sadly was a fabricated personality used to get what he wanted. I had a suicide attempt because of all the drama and tension he put me through and he knew about it but he never contacted me to say he was sorry, to even ask if I was okay.

    He only said that it was killing him a bit knowing what happened but that was in a chat thread where everybody could see how nice and good he is yet he wouldn’t contact me to ask how I was doing. Then I knew that I never meant anything to this person and that not even dead he would reflect and finally realize how wrong he was and how poorly he treated me after I showed him nothing but compassion, care and love inspite of his lies, manipulations and games which I often overlooked for the sake of our “friendship” I realized this monster has no guilt, no shame and no conscience. While I was at the hospital he was on his merry way in the forums having a laugh, being the center of attention and joking about things as if I never mattered. And in fact I never did because had I matter he wouldn’t have acted the way he did because I didn’t deserve it. Now I am picking the broken pieces of myself and trying to move on. It’s hard to wake up and know that you have been so duped and so mistreated while living in a fantasy but I will rise above this. He still stalks me by visiting my profile and reading my Bio and any other info I may have in it and even copies some of my hobbies, likes and things I share. He does not contact me in any way, shape or form to apologize yet he stalks me and keeps tabs on me. Sick, sick people.

    Last thing I want to say is that even though this happened on the cyberworld the wounds and damage are the same, the behaviors and tactics of the Cyberpath/Narcissist are the same and his lack of friends and a past history of being changed of schools tells me that he has always behaved the same way in real life. The internet is just a fertile ground for his schemes and the perfect environment for him to wreak havoc, destroy lives and get away with murder behind a computer and a nickname. For those victims out there, there is hope and my heart goes out for you. Fortunately I didn’t live or saw this person face to face although the emotional damage was the same because I was seduced by his words and attention. Don’t be afraid to speak up and leave these sad excuses of human beings. Everything will be okay and you will get stronger after all is said and done. May God bless you all.

    • AnotherVictim,

      When I read your description of everything you went through at the hands of the N, I can’t help but wonder if it’s the same N I encountered? There’s just something about your description that fits my former best friend to a T! He lived in New York and he used to have a “best friend” that he still smear campaigns (should have been a red flag to me).Except I met this one in person and he’s still not done destroying my life.

      Hang in there! We can get past this.

  24. Annette says:

    Thank you for this essay. It gives me strength and clarity of thought in what I am dealing with at this time.

    • Annette,

      This is why I write.And if it brings you clarity,then it is doing what I hope it will, move others to clarity and healing.Thank you for sharing all you have here. Each survivor who does is showing a great deal of courage.

  25. Pingback: Best Reasons That Ex-Narc Is Gone | My Ex Narc

  26. Pingback: On smear campaigns from the abuser…and victims speaking out | Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

  27. Suzyoh says:

    This is what makes me so angry that I gave this man everything and I know he smears me to all his friends and family because he smears me to my face which is why it has taken everything in me ( its a daily struggle ) not to go to his affaired women’s church and out her has a minister and him as a monster. But the beauty in this relationship of his is that she is part of his real inner circle both religious and social (cause all he sees her for is money and prestige) and like a true narcissist he will start to show hs true colors which I’m sure he’s showing it already but he’s blaming the abusiveness on stress having to deal with the crazy soon to be ex wife. I will sit back because all that he’s done to me and others will be done to her and the close people in that circle will see the truth about him just as she will except she may become a real hostage to him afraid tat he will tell everyone see how she tbore up his marriage she was sleeping with him while married and was pressuring him to leave. All under the disguise f giving him spiritual gudance. Just wait it will turn so ugly on her I shiver as to how he is going o use the positions she hold as minister yeah she even has you tube videos preaching about women empowerment and the Queen in you and a principle to keep her in line. I told a few people in hs circle and left it at that he will do the rest because they are creature of habit. And I decided to really go no contact and hold it because I know he is using my angry responses to solidify there relationship and gain her trust…so the sooner I disappear and he doesn’t have me as an excuse…the sooner she can start receiving her big doses if narcissistic abuse….a nice big shit sandwich. 4 women from her sorority live on my street I told the older one since I know she know her father and mother who are well know ministers . I do realized We get so caught up in applying normal reactions ad behavior to dysfunctional people. She will find out he was married before and the first wife filed for an annullment after 3monts because he refused to consummate the marriage (try to use her for a green card), he was arrested for attempted robbery which got reduce to menacing, got arrested fir driving without a license, arrested for atteoted rape f his wife me but i dropped the charges, he does not have a masters degree, and so much more. Yup he will smear himself and it could not have been done if I had continued to hold on. Smear on.

  28. I was having a low moment last night when I stumbled into this blog. I really appreciate it. My NPD experience was with a friend that I considered my best friend. He tried to ruin my marriage eventhough he is gay. He is now on a massive smear campaign against me telling anybody and everybody who will listen that I am the crazy one and that I am obsessed with him. The people who are his minions would cross the street when they see me. Some who knew both of us through work (I used to work with him and I quit because of the crazy making) won’t even acknowledge me when I make the effort of saying hi. It hurts but I figured if these people would just take his word without knowing my side then I don’t need their acknowledgement or approval. They can think whatever they want of me because at the end of the day I have a wonderful husband, a good amount of life long friends who support me and stand by me and a good paying job. Their approval is not necessary for me to continue living my life the way I am meant to. I am done giving him any control of my life.

    • Annette says:

      This is a great blog. What you describe is a variation of the typical NPD/Psychopath experience. It’s good that he was not successful in destroying your marriage nor losing you your job. The smear campaign hurts, but it sounds like it could have been worse. You have solid relationships that the NPD can’t destroy. You might read up on the “Grey Rock” method of dealing with NPD/Psychopaths; to get him to lose interest in harming you. Take care.

      • Thank you for suggesting the Grey Rock method. I actually read it and looks like something I can do although I’m not sure if it is still going to work as I am already discarded. What I don’t get is that he made an effort to send me a 4 page email (I kid you not) about how I am so psychotically obsessed with him that he wishes I would see a professional to get help (hello projection). I think that what brought this on was that I refused to apologize for something he wants me to apologize for when I know I did nothing wrong.He moved to another town and I said if there is a good time to visit him and if he doesn’t want me to visit because he’s busy to let me know. He said I was being passive aggressive. What was being passive aggressive about that? So I refused to apologize because to me, it was a simply question to make sure I am not wasting time and money visiting him if he doesn’t want me there. The following morning I got that very long, vile email. I did not react to it. I did not post anything on Facebook. I did not respond to the email. I did not text. I did not call. A few days later he started posting about friendship and how temporary it was and about people who leave you. Still no response from me. Then the smear campaign started. He started telling people I was obsessed with him and he had to turn me down so that’s why I don’t talk to him anymore. He told my guy friends to stay away from me as I might get obsessed with them. Thank God my husband hated him from the beginning and warned me about him. I should have listened to him. I cringe to think if my husband liked him what he would have done to destroy my marriage. When we were still talking, he kept on urging me to divorce my husband planting ideas in my head about him cheating, not loving me, not respecting me. Today he is back in town for a visit and posting things on Facebook about having fun with his new friends. Maybe I’m reading into it but I have a feeling he made an effort to come back to town today because today marks the 2nd week of his discard and he wants to get a reaction from me on social media or text. I didn’t take the bait. In fact, I didn’t even post anything on Facebook today. I think the more I resist any reaction towards him, the more it infuriates him. I just have to stomach the smear campaign for now and know that in time it will pass. As long as the people who matter stand by me, I think eventually I will get through this.

      • Annie…

        All of what you’ve written is so predictable. I can’t quite describe what I was feeling as I read it, except that it read like a predictable and boring play. Even the words he said are gaslighting, manipulative ‘spath’ speak.

        One thing I would like to suggest…

        If it’s not necessary to have him on your social media, why do you keep him there?

        Part of no contact, is booting his butt of your friends list or anything having to do with them.

        This helps you in that you will not be plugged into the smear campaign on any level and he will know that you mean it. It’s done, over finished.

        Nothing says no contact like total disconnect! When we totally disconnect, it can take awhile, but since this guy was just a friend, thank GOD, not that it’s any less important, but since you have a lot of support around you too, I think cutting him off altogether would help you to put him in the past a lot quicker and it would be better for your mental health. That way you’re not looking to see if he’s trying to get you to react and you’ve not got all of that spin in your head when he says stuff.

        They really don’t give a crap. He’s doing all of this to get a rise out of you.

        Cut him off and he can’t anymore. Period. :)

      • Annette says:

        No contact is truly the best course.. It is very difficult, especially in the beginning, because everything he is trying to do is to hook you into the drama. He knows exactly what he is doing when he says and does things that push your buttons. You want him to see reason, but he won’t because he is choosing not to, mostly to irritate you. He doesn’t want the understanding, peace, harmony, that you want.
        No contact will give your mind rest from the drama he is manufacturing. You will get peace and clarity, and freedom from him, if you stick with it.
        You can free yourself from his antics by having no contact, not reading his FB stuff, not listening to what others say about him, deleting instead of reading his emails, and he doesn’t explicitly have to know you’re no contact. Consider not telling him you’re going no contact. Just do it. If you do have to respond to something use grey rock. You can share your thoughts here or with others, not him.
        For your own safety from possibly being harassed by him, since Psychopaths tend to project, consider that he may be obsessed with you. When you no longer give him the emotional content and reactions he wants, he will seek new victims.
        Take care.

      • Annie,

        I really think Annette has this covered pretty well. :)

      • Thanks ladies for the much needed input. I really appreciate it :) It did occur to me that maybe he was projecting by saying that I am obsessed with him when it was the other way around. However, I don’t want to go in that path of thinking because then I’m afraid it sounds narcissistic of me. I am definitely doing no contact now (including social media) just don’t know what to do with his stuff. I don’t want to hold on to it but I don’t want to contact him to get it either. Sigh.

        Again, thanks for the advice! I appreciate it :)

      • Annie,
        You could send a brief, business like email, telling him that he has a certain date to remove his stuff. If he does not remove it, you can then get rid of it or sell it.

        If he comes to get it, have your husband meet him to remove it.

        In the meantime ridding him off your social media presents a clear message. You know you’re not narcissistic, and it doesn’t matter what the asshat thinks. It’s your life. not his.

      • Oooh thank you! That’s a great idea! I will definitely do that and give him two weeks to get his stuff and then it’s going to trash. Thank you so much! I really appreciate it :)

      • You are most welcome!

  29. I think I did not unfriend him in Facebook (but I have him hidden from my newsfeed after the barrage of drama post about friendship) because I did not want him to know that I ever read the discard email he sent me and if I unfriend him that’s enough confirmation there. However, the current information that I am getting from Facebook are the post of his new supply (a friend, though not close) and he just put tons of comments on it. I didn’t hide this friend from my newsfeed so I got the notification today. I hid her now too. Unfortunately, we have several friends in common on social media and I can’t unfriend or block all of them because some of them are not really involved. What puzzles me is that he has some stuff in my storage that he left there and I would think he’d ask for it back since he’s in town. He has not contacted me to get them back yet and I refuse to even acknowledge his presence in town so I refuse to call or text him to get his shit. I have a feeling that he will try to contact me in October when all these new friends/supply of his leave town because their jobs are done and he’s left by himself. I think that’s why he’s keeping his things in my storage…an insurance for future contact. I wanted to just chuck it in the garbage but I feel that I will be creating more trouble for myself if I did that.

    Am I doing the right thing? Or should I just not care that he knew I read my email (even if it gives him a little supply to know that I react negatively) and just unfriend him?

    I’m so confused right now. I wish I never met this guy! :(

  30. AnnettePK says:

    It’s my understanding that if you unfriend someone on FB they don’t get any kind of notice that that’s been done. You won’t see any of his stuff, and he won’t see any of your posts, but no explicit reason is given.
    Even though it’s really really difficult at first, I think it would be best for you if you don’t care what he knows and what he doesn’t know about you reading his emails. I found that acting like I didn’t care, and gently guiding my mind not to care, resulted in me truly caring a whole lot less about the BS and the drama.
    Your intuition that he may try to contact you in October may be right. But try to focus on other areas of your life. Don’t give this guy more space in your mind than you have to. Try to fill up your thoughts with other things, other people, other interests, if you can.
    Psychopaths’ behavior is always puzzling to us, and they like that. He likes keeping you confused. No matter what we wish for, the only way out, the only way to peace, is to get away from them, to get them out of our minds. Notice how you’re not thinking of him nor treating him like you treat normal nice people. That’s what they want us to do, to focus on them and their purposeless existence.
    Sending a short business note asking him to move his stuff is the best solution, because it’s drama free, nothing to hook into. Whatever he does, you won’t have to contact him again, ie if he moves it, it’s gone, and if he doesn’t move it, you get rid of it and it’s gone.

    • Thank you for the advice. I have removed him from my Facebook newsfeed and I included his new supply (who I am also friends with) in the process. The sad thing is we have several friends in common so he might try to get to me by posting things on the walls of people I have not unfriended (yet). Sigh. I’ll just ignore him the way I am doing right now.

      I am done giving him anything, including any space in my thoughts. I am now living my life the way it was before his evil came into my life. I am sending him the email tonight giving him two weeks to get his stuff….then the landfill is where they will be.

      I really appreciate the advice. Thank you :)

      • Annie,

        Hang in there! Oftentimes we think they’ll be forever chasing us,but you’d be surprised by how bored they get really fast and are onto potential new targets, often many at a time.

        They like us to think we are their main focus, but in reality, they have many.

        take heart, don’t respond and keep healing!

      • Thank you! I really appreciate all the support. I’m ready to move on :)

      • AnnettePK says:

        Good for you, you can be proud of yourself for taking these steps. You may want to confirm this, but I think that if you block him (not just unfriend him) you won’t see his posts and he won’t see yours, but you’ll still be able to see everything else on your mutual friends’ walls, etc. If you block him, he won’t get any notification, he just won’t see your FB stuff anymore. If a blocked person searches for your FB page, the message just says unavailable or not found or something like that.

      • Thanks for the information. I will definitely do that! I really appreciate all the advice ladies. Hugs :)

      • If you block someone on fb neither one of you will be able to see your posts even on mutual friends pages—however pages that are group pages or community pages I believe are different.

    • I just received a Hoover text out of the blue. I think he found out he’s blocked from FB so now he’s trying to reach me by text. He says he’s praying for me and that best of luck. I just stared at my phone for like a good 2 minutes when I first read the text, then I laughed. So textbook! Needless to say, I ignored it :)

      • Annie,

        GOOD. FOR. YOU.

        That IS so ‘textbook’ and you’re just not fun anymore with your lack of response! lol!

        Congratulations, from now on, it only gets better and better!

        BTW, he might try this repeatedly. When we don’t respond, from their perspective the game is on.

        Their narcissism is such that he will ‘wait’ for you to respond because that’s what he expects you to do.

        When you don’t, they increase the texting and other tactics to get you to respond.

        Ignore, delete, ignore, delete….the strongest message you will ever convey to a pathological is “GAME OVER” :)

  31. Thank you for the encouragement. I told my close friends about the text and they all laughed with me. The common reaction was “what was that all about?” and I told them I have no clue but it’s obvious he’s trying to get me to respond…even if it was just to ask what the text was about. I have anticipated he will contact me at some point but I didn’t expect it to be sooner than October. His well must be running dry and he’s trying to see if he can squeeze more out of me. Sorry, this well is out of service :)
    Thanks again! It really helps to hear validation that I am doing the right thing!

    • Annie,

      You are. Your comment reminds me of a question Sandra Brown M.A. once told me to ask when the pathological starts acting out, as in your example and often times, it’s us or others who are observing who ask. The question is “WHO DOES THAT? ”

      Simple. The disordered do.

      • Thank you so much for the wonderful advice. I don’t know what to do at the moment. I thought I was doing all the right things by NC, blocking FB and just basically ignoring his existence. He celebrated his birthday two days ago and I did not greet him at all. A friend told me that she overheard him telling people that I am so obsessed with him I sent him chocolate covered almonds for his birthday. I was shocked! Really? Make up stuff? That is just beyond pathetic already. I don’t know what to do. Should I just ignore or actually confront him? I think he’s trying to get me to react and the more I ignore him the worse the smear campaign is getting.

        Ugh! why me?

      • Annie,

        Of course. He wants you to react and he wants you to focus on him.

        So you’re focusing on him and reacting.

        He’s a waste of time. It means nothing that he’s doing this other than that it gets him loads of attention and if people believe him then let them believe.

        You don’t need to respond to anything at all. Why would you? You’ve not done anything wrong. It will die down before too long, as people will get bored listening to the asshat drivel on about the whole thing.

        IN other words, this too shall pass. Pay it NO MIND, you have better things to do.

  32. Blue Eyes says:

    Hi, I’m new here. I have been a victim of a sociopath, she was a former roommate of mine and tried to destroy my life. She preyed upon me as I was in a vulnerable state, I had an ad on Craiglist looking for a roommate as I had just come out of a ten year relationship and needed to find a place to live. I have a Son with my former partner who is soon to be 5 years old.
    Because I was a stay at home Mother for all of my Son’s life I had no income. My ex had an upper hand and forced me out because he was paying rent. He took my Son to his parents who lived far away until I left my residence. Yeah..pretty shitty of him. It was an ultimatum.
    I was distraught and felt like I had no choice. So after placing this ad with a picture and a story of my situation I had many replies. Some replies were pretty messed up, I was regretting putting my picture up. Some guys were saying if I lived with them I would have to perform sexual favors. Disgusting.
    I finally got a response from a female who was interested in meeting me. Since I had no money she paid for the taxi with her boyfriends credit card for me to come to her place. She seemed so nice! She offered me a furnished room after she talked me into paying more than I could afford, said she would help with documents needed to collect welfare as well. She seemed so helpful and kind and seemed like she wanted to help me in my horrible situation.
    She seemed generous, she gave me jewelry, a handbag, clothes, took me out for food, drinks and offered advice for taking my ex to court for custody of my Son. She claimed she was a paralegal at one point and had some experience in Law.
    I thought I had come across an angel, I couldn’t believe a stranger could be so kind! It seemed too good to be true.
    In a nutshell, she became controlling of me and I felt like her personal slave. I learned she had a Percocet addiction and was a big drinker. She told me not to wear make up, she said to use her hair brush and threw mine over the balcony, she said to use her face cream and shampoo because it was better..she said everything of hers was better.
    She tried controlling who I talked to, she wanted to know who would text me, what they said, what I said etc.
    She had a small circle of friends but it seemed like they all had something she wanted. Like for instance one of them drove her everywhere because she felt that taking public transit was beneath her. She would pay him in Percocets and cash and beer for transportation/gas. This guy also would make drug runs for her, she is a huge pot head.
    Another “friend” has a vaporizer. She would insist he come over and bring the vaporizer so she could smoke her pot. Another “friend” seemed quite normal, however she told me a personal story regarding this “friend” that was cruel. I liked this “friend” of hers best, we got along really well.
    I had met a guy and we got along really well. As he wasn’t apart of her social circle, she didn’t want me being with him. One time she answered my phone and told him to leave me alone and not to call me. I was too far to intercept my phone. Couldn’t believe she did this. (This sociopath is 44 by the way)
    My friend and I made a connection and he ended up staying over one night. My roommate flipped out. She had never said anything about me not being able to have over night guests.
    My roommate said no over night guests but I could have him over for a movie or dinner if I wanted.
    I felt like I was 16 again living with my Mom.
    One night I had my friend over for a movie when my roommate wasn’t there. We were both disliking her more and more so we tried to avoid her.
    This is when all hell broke loose. She ended up kicking me out with no notice, threaten to change the locks,and she shoved all my belongings into clear plastic bags.
    Things get much worse. She calls CAS (childrens aid society) and tells them I’m doing cocaine and I’m an unfit mother. She calls OW (welfare) and says I’m no longer living there because the police had to remove me. In a text she says “no address, no cheque”
    I had to leave my cat behind because I couldn’t take him where I was going to stay. She had told the police (That I called to help keep the peace) that it was fine if my cat and belongings stayed there for a couple of weeks.
    Nope..she called the OSPCA that I had abandoned my cat with no food and water.
    She found out my ex’s phone number and has smeared my name. She has been manipulating him to make sure I don’t see my Son because I’m an unfit Mother.
    She found out where I lived after she kicked me out, she found out who I was living with as well.
    She has continually harassed me and threatened to help my ex in court. She has called me so many names, tells me to leave my Son alone, tells me I need mental help, tells me I’m a sick lady…etc.
    I am taking this sociopath to court. I have evidence of her continual harassment. I am hoping to EXPOSE her to the judge and anyone else involved.
    I have done ALOT of research on sociopaths and I’m 100% sure I lived with one. She has no conscience, she is aggressive, lacks guilt and remorse for her actions, has told lies to try to harm me (pathological liar) and continues to play this sick game. She is a huge hypocrite. She told me on April 27 that “any further contact between her and I will be an act of acrimonious behavior and not in good faith”. She has texted me 23 more times after that!!! I have had to involve the police 3 times now because of her.
    I will not be silent, and I will heal from this.

    • Blue,


      CRAZY story!!! Now this is different than the sociopathic partner situation and I’m so glad you shared it!

      I’m sorry you’ve been put through all of this, but you sound very strong and determined, as well as SMART for having researched like you have.

      I only have one suggestion for you Blue: If she is this evil, remember that we think we can ‘beat’ them and some of us do get some ‘justice’ in a court situation, but sociopaths BECAUSE they have no conscience can be extremely underhanded. They can do things behind your back without you ever knowing about it, manipulating other people against you.

      I think your desire to ‘out’ her is very common, but don’t be surprised if she does something that makes you appear foolish. These people will stop at NOTHING to smear you, going behind your back, hiring attorney’s that are just as shark like as they are.

      Also, most of the judicial system would NOT look favorably to you diagnosing her in court like that. It’s a huge risk to take.

      I’m not suggesting that you don’t do what you feel is right, just don’t expect other people to believe it, especially the judicial system. A judge would look at your ‘outing’ her as revenge and as vindictive, which would not be what you would want to have happen.

      Just sticking with proof that you have, documentation of any kind (are you aware that you can print out text messages? I learned that one from my ex douchie), FACTS only, without ‘diagnosing’ is going to help you more than anything.

      I wish you the best of luck with this and I understand your outrage at what she’s done to you. She almost sounds incredibly borderline though with all the reaction…..

  33. Blue Eyes says:

    Thanks for your response.
    In my statement for court I have not said ANYTHING about her being a sociopath. I have included all the details of her behavior and personality however as well as providing proof she does lie. I am hoping they will figure it out. You’re right, I don’t want to look vindictive, all I want is for her to leave me and people I know ALONE.

    The crappy thing is I cannot print out my texts from my phone. I had to call head office mobile provider and get them to send me an email (which I printed out) regarding the fact that it is indeed impossible to do so with my particular handset. I talked to technical support too. I was desperate trying to find a way to make this happen.

    I did a couple of risky things. I had seen her in a bar awhile back after all this happened and as I passed by her table I made an under the breath comment saying “sociopath”.

    This pissed her off so much that she had changed the story to me calling her names and harassing her at the bar. She screamed “SLUT!” as she left the bar, she loved calling me slut, wasn’t the first time.

    I also informed a few of her friends (also my friends) she was a sociopath. I felt that if I didn’t warn them and if anything happened to them I would feel horrible for not doing anything.

    This back fired and pissed her off even more as her “friends” had told her. Was a risk worth taking for me. I don’t want ANYONE ELSE going through what I went through.

    If she tries to use this in court against me so be it. I did not harass them, I simply was trying to warn them. I am not guilty of trying to be malicious.

  34. Darla says:

    Thank you.

  35. I totally agree. Any normal and healthy person will not react to the smear campaign but will walk away gracefully. I’m going through the pain of a smear campaign now and I refused to react as I know that’s what he is waiting for. I just continue with my life in dignity and integrity. A person with dignity and integrity will never ever hold a smear campaign. These people are simply immature and want to make themselves seem better by putting others down. Think of it this way. A person who smears another party and in our cases, a man who smears a woman, how much dignity and integrity does this man has? I would say absolutely ZERO.

  36. Nancy says:

    This article has given me hope, i am more hurt by his attempts to cast me as crazy, stalking and a liar than his betrayal with 2 other women the entire time we were together. I closed my facebook page as he was using our friends to stalk where i went and post lies about me. I felt i would remove all contact. I blocked his calls and texts, his friends who were making hang up calls. I hate to see our world not hold those who are evil accountable, the plea, he will be angry and upset. I do believe that for now walking away head held high, i also believe that my story should be told when the “dust settles” this man is 61 years old and is able to contine because no one will stand up to him. My word, honor and selfrespect are my greatest worth, it is not something i will allow him to take from me

    • Nancy,

      Wow. It never ends. They get worse the older they get, and have the ability to hide better, at least the successful ones. It’s interesting to read comments like yours and think about how empty and soulless to walk/run through life doing nothing but duping people. I’m so glad I know what it is to have empathy.

      Lots and LOTS of past victims are telling their stories. The more the merrier! It reaches more people. When you’re stronger that is definitely something positive to consider. I think the way you’ve handled it, with a lot of GRACE is really what shows the kind of person you are. The disordered need to smear the previous victim, while they ‘remake’ themselves for the next victim. They often compartmentalize that last one from the new one. It can be years before the new victim figures out for herself what she’s dealing with, but the point being YOU no longer have too. You did the right thing walking away, Nancy. Bless your heart and I know how hard it is to do!!! Take care of your beautiful self.

  37. This is my 3rd time around. Twice with the same person. It is the fist time I have experienced this smear campaign. It is in full force & I am flabbergasted!

  38. This is my third time around. Second with the same person. I have never experienced the smear campaign before. I am flabbergasted!

  39. H.G. Beverly says:

    Reblogged this on H.G. Beverly and commented:
    Alienation is part of a smear campaign my ex has stuck to consistently for almost a decade now. This is a great depiction of the process—accurate in my experience. Worth reading.

  40. set free says:

    Please add my voice to the many who thank you for this article. Your story so closely mirrors my own experience, it was as if I was reading about myself. This post helped me get through an all-out, multi-year campaign, one that began as you describe before I was even aware of it. For anyone enduring this, your words are lifesaving: “People will think what they wish to think, but what will be very important to you is to hold on to what you know is the truth, about yourself and about him…If people believe the predator’s narrative of you, you are better off without them. Healthy people will look with suspicion upon the predator’s stories of pity…” Not reacting to the provocation is the path to healing and empowerment. One thing I could add, notice the self-interested motivation of the predator’s allies and so-called friends who join in the campaign. This is when the malignant nature and desperation of some individuals around you is revealed. It is ironic certainly, and disturbing and sad to witness their desperation and utter delusion, and inability to recognize their own baseness in the midst of accusing you of the same. This is also a time when you will know what real gratitude is for those who have the intelligence and decency to not join in the game. Whether there are many or few, remember the decent people around you and still in this world, and whatever your spiritual inclination, send good energy to them, gratitude, or prayers. Believe that the balance has not yet tipped, even through the times you may fear it has. The way we think is really the first and most important power we have. Your blog is important to those of us who have endured this, or still do, and provides a unique support, that of fellow survivors.

    • set free,

      I want to tell you how moved I feel by your sentiments. I’ve experienced doubt lately, in my ability to write and to reach out. I’m very grateful to you for taking the time to share this. It’s one of the most beautiful comments I’ve read on this blog. I wish you peace and much love on your journey. . .

  41. set free says:

    And thank you, again, Kelli. Keep writing and push past the doubts knowing that there are people, now and in the future, who will be aided by the recognition of our common experiences. This is important work for you and your readers. As time passes and you move further away from this experience there will be new paths for you to pursue in your writing, informed by this experience for sure, but different. Keep these writings out there, and much peace, love, and gratitude to you. I will keep reading!

  42. Pingback: The Smear Campaign | H.G. Beverly, Author

  43. Kim says:

    Hello, I came across this page by accident but now I’m hooked. The feelings I get from reading your stories are similar to watching horror movies, I feel so sad for you peoples, I don’t know any psyco/narcs (thank God) but just want to let you know I’m grateful for this info. I will keep my eyes wiiiiiiiiide open for these types.

    • Kim says:

      If it matters to anyone, the bible pretty much describes these people as anti-christs, they are spiritual Edomites. We are in the last days and they will only increase in numbers. You know what bothers me more than evil people? Witnesses who allow it to happen in the first place. Cowards who follow their lead or don’t stand up to them. The Narc/sociopath can’t help but be evil, but “good” people have at least the ability to speak up. They have no excuse, and their God given conscience, the one they choose to ignore while witnessing bullying evil behaviour will be the first to condemn them sooner or later

      • Kim,

        There are multiple ways to approach your comment. I don’t attach biblical meaning to psychopaths or narcissists, other than that there has always been evil in the world, even at the time of Jesus. While I’m spiritual, I do not provide a foundation for a particular ideology or religious dogma here although I respect your views. :)

        “Witnesses who allow it to happen in the first place. Cowards who follow their lead or don’t stand up to them. The narc/sociopath can’t help but be evil, but ‘good’ people have the ability to at least speak up. They have no excuse and their God given conscience, the one they choose to ignore while witnessing bullying evil behavior will be the first to condemn them sooner or later.”.

        Depends and it isn’t that simple. Most people, through environmental ‘education’ learn that all people are good. A concept widely accepted in Sunday schools everywhere but merely a set up, because the concept of evil is taught in a way as punishment for the wrongdoer, rather than educational tools to avoid it utilizing human intellect and discernment.
        I almost didn’t approve your comment because it was dangerously close to blaming the victim. Given your comment prior to this, and the proclamation that you personally have not had experience with the psychopath, it would be difficult to put yourself into the shoes of another who has been exploited and abused by one. Many survivors also have long abuse histories and therefore are perfect targets for a psychopath. Because psychopaths lack empathy and conscience, they can lie with ease. In fact, you’ve probably met one and didn’t notice it because it isn’t possible to do so within the first twenty minutes. It is a pattern of behavior established over time. The psychopath/narcissist has been practicing his/her entire life. His/her lack of empathy makes their manipulation and lies, smooth as silk for those unknowing. And that’s within the sphere of a personal/romantic relationship. Many OTHER elements play into the psychopath’s ability to manipulate. They are soul ‘divers’. They study, assess and then strategize as to how to win their victims over. They stalk via social networks when plotting how to get to their targets. They do this so they can give the target the feeling of being ‘known’ to the psychopath. I’ve actually watched this done with my last ex on dating sites. It is truly frightening. They are also chameleons. They can drop one persona for another instantly and keep the facade going for months or years without the victim recognizing the psychopath until the mask slips. Some psychopaths are better at it than others.

        Insofar as a societal exploitation, an example, in my view, would be those ‘successful’ psychopaths in power. CEO’s, government representatives, the bully boss at work. They do not maim or murder the body, but they exhaust the soul. They exploit hatred, bigotry and religious zealousness in others who are already pathological set to accept such exploitation. This is also a pattern of behavior in society in which the ‘politician’ (for example) talks the smooth talk, pathologically lies with ease and for the most vulnerable, are easily believed, subsequently, the exploited are extremely loyal to the psychopath in power, believing the lies, and throwing their support behind him one hundred percent thinking that the psychopath represents their principles, ie: again, bigotry, hatred, religious zealousness. All of these behaviors in the exploited are pathological. Some of them are generational. It is nigh impossible to change pathological behavior, unless conscience is merely asleep.

        To say ‘they have no excuse’ implies that one easily recognizes the psychopath and if one does not, they must be a ‘weenie’ (coward).

        This is so far from the truth, Kim. We have a very large demographic in society of narcissistic individuals who believe that all answers are so very simple, when they truly are not. Each individual’s journey is a unique one, and none of us are immune to the psychopath and his targeting. The best we can do is to face and deal with past wounds that make us vulnerable, or something as simple as filling up a lonely place in one’s life, another mode of entry for a psychopath. Just as two examples but there are hundreds more. Each of us carries vulnerabilities. We learn to have boundaries and utilize them the best we can. Each encounter with a psychopath, teaches us more about ourselves and where we need to change ourselves. Change is not easy and in fact, an extremely difficult undertaking that many will never do.

        The survivors here are courageous and strong. If you are alive after having lived through a relationship with a psychopath or have been a target in an equally damaging way, you are truly blessed.

      • annettepk says:

        What an interesting discussion! I have found extremely helpful descriptions of psychopaths and their effect on their victims and on the world’s society, and an understanding of the injustice of it all, in the Bible. The Bible says this is Satan’s world, and one day it (Satan has no gender), will be bound, resulting in the world being a good place as God intended. It’s a positive and hopeful scenario, whatever one’s specific beliefs are.

        I perceived that the P I was involved with made choices whether to harm others or not, and how to think. I perceive he had some physical propensities to psychopathy (linked traits like very very very low blood pressure, no sense of smell, ambidexterity), but my observation is that it’s a choice and he knew what he was doing. He just chose to like harming others. In the same way, some folks have a weakness for alcohol, but it’s still a choice to become an alcoholic. It’s just easier for some than others.

        The Bible also speaks of a “seared conscience” which is the condition where a person makes evil choices and thus develops his character and conscience to facilitate making more harmful choices. Similarly, ‘practicing’ doing good develops a sensitive conscience and good character.

      • annettepk says:

        If people are powerless over their own choices of good and evil, it implies a randomness that renders morality, ethics, and personal responsibility void. This is opposite of true biblical doctrine. It’s the same view as predestination, which isn’t biblical. It’s a distortion of some misunderstood passages in the bible, and it’s a very depressing and hopeless paradigm that reality doesn’t really bear out.

      • Annette!

        Have you posted here before? Your ID looks so familiar!

        As I shared, I don’t bind to religious dogma. If I adhered to scripture in the literal sense, it would be highly contradictory. It still is so, even when put into metaphorical terms. Jesus spoke often in parables. For his time, he was a socialist radical. Part of why He was put to death. The environment in which he lived, I often align to the environment in which we live now. I take into consideration a few facts when discussing scripture (just for the sake of others who visit here and understand my perspective on this, because religion and dogma can be very divisive and this is NOT where I want this blog to go), 1. The time it was written. The culture and religious dogma that existed at the time of Jesus. I keep in mind he was also JEWISH, but a progressive radical. 2. Those who wrote the bible were mere mortal men. With failing and sins of their own. 3. The bible has been translated hundreds of times into multiple languages, with many additions, BY MEN (biblical scholars) who also had their own interpretation, no matter how much ‘study’ was put into deciphering its wording. Those who are labeling themselves Christians these days, ACT in pathological ways that are an affront to all of Jesus teachings. It is utilized as an exploitative tool of some very vulnerable masses that adhere to the literal form of scripture as an excuse to justify and/or otherwise demonize others who are not conformists to their beliefs. Many Christians are running from the faith because of it and I’ve mentored many, many survivors who have experienced extreme forms of spiritual abuse, and this is NOT limited to ‘cults’ (although evangelism appears as such to me), by Pastors, elders, fellow parishioners, etc. What is sad is that the faithful are often the most vulnerable and hang onto their faith inside of a box that a psychopath can easily pick up on and walk away with. Those who have suffered spiritual abuse, often learn to think outside of a very twisted, very small box, where religious zealousness is used to hurt, harm, and to control. This is especially true in Christian marriages with psychopaths and narcissists. Our spiritual selves, our souls are just as deeply personal and intimate as our sexuality and the psychopath/narcissist uses both LIBERALLY with scripture to exploit shame and guilt in his/her victims. This works like a charm. The survivors who are caught in relationships with the disordered and are religious, often have the most difficult time escaping the marriage/relationship due to the depth of the exploitation and manipulation used to provoke guilt. If the psychopath/narcissist is a Pastor or other authority in the church, the victim is trapped further due to the manipulation that the psychopath/narcissist uses to share about how ‘troubled’ his/her spouse appears to be. The flock, absolutely naive and given to the ‘all are good’ mentality, wind up supporting the psychopath. His mask is easily upheld by others in these situations.

        Ironically, due to my own abuser being a licensed Pastor and worship leader (still is, with a new church and victim), my once dearly held ideas of faith are gone. They are much, much different now. In questioning my faith, my God, scripture, studying, reading history, seeing what christians are doing to others in society who do not conform, and most especially with the contradictions in scripture, I know that GOD is far bigger an entity and far more vast, comparatively to a multi faceted diamond, all of the facets which are unseen. What we know and what we don’t, fail in comparison to what God is and shoving Him and the literal ideas of scripture into a do and don’t conformity, ruins the true beauty of what God really is. I do not know all the answers and I cannot claim too. Many Christians who ‘claim’ to know, are questionable to me in a degree of narcissism. I respect and acknowledge the bible as a beautiful book of history, with the most meaningful of stories arising from the teachings of Jesus. The first and most important commandments to love God with all your heart, soul and mind, and to love your neighbor as you would love yourself, encompasses a simple rationale for all of us to live by, however when dealing with the aftermath of a psychopath, it is clear that the same rules do not apply.

        Yes, psychopaths AND narcissists know exactly what they are doing. Their lack of empathy and conscience makes it simple for them to strategize in harming their victims. The reward centers of their brains light up when exposed to the reactions of their victims. We have not only the reactions of victims who have been personally wounded, we have the reactions of a society who has been treated with less than love, by psychopaths in power, who liberally exploit the literal terms of scripture, lie with ease as to how it pertains to the constitution, as well as twisting history (rewriting history- a huge psychopathic trait), in order to USE, ABUSE AND EXPLOIT those in society who bear pathological traits themselves, one of them BEING religious zealousness and literal interpretation. None of these psychopaths CARE ONE IOTA about the faithful, but instead use them to achieve their evil and twisted goals in destroying America and Americans with it.

        With my experiences with psychopaths, I’ve learned that morality is more then just keeping it in one’s pants, or the perceived abomination of homosexuality. It is about treating others, no matter what they believe or whom they are, with kindness and respect. I know Muslims, I know Jewish folks, I know atheists, Buddhists, Catholics, and many recovering evangelicals. Jesus loved all those who sinned and instructed us to take care of those who were least. If you notice, when psychopaths exploit this ‘good in all’ theory, they tend to stick to the literal interpretations of the OLD testament, rather than the NEW. This also is used to back up their efforts to rile the evangelical base, creating more divisiveness. One of the biggest and most fun games for a psychopath or narcissist, is triangulation. Triangulate the ‘faithful’ with twisting scripture, the constitution, and the word ‘patriot’ to support bigotry, hatred and scapegoating of those who are viewed as ‘unworthy’. Jesus did none of this. Ever.

        But because the majority who are pathological (extremist) in literal interpretations, combined with bigotry and the ideals aligned to be ‘submissiveness’ (particularly and ironically about women), amongst many other things, the psychopaths and narcissists who hold any authority in society manage to hold onto their positions, even to the detriment of those that believe the psychopath embraces the beliefs that they do, when the psychopath does not.

        While we react to abuse in our personal relationships, in society, those of us who are awake and see psychopaths/narcissists on a universal level, also see reaction through divisiveness and pathological behavior. As a society, I’ve never seen so much narcissism, nor cruelty manifest as abuse normalized. We have a country of trauma bonded victims who have not yet awakened to the very individuals who are feeding everyday off the polls of popularity, or the legislation ( or lack thereof) that continue to advocate for harm onto the most vulnerable people, including the faithful extreme.

        Normal people do not advocate for harm onto others. Christian or not. Until we get psychopaths out of our lives and out of power, the temptation for them to continue to their addiction to power and control over, as well as the gleeful destruction of others, will never abate.

        One must be able to see outside of literal terms in order to understand the spiritual war that is waged in the spiritual world. It is very real.

      • annettepk says:

        I’m not sure I’m replying in the right place in this thread…but, here goes.
        You have a good memory; yes, I was active in the discussions here some months ago when I was going through a time of processing, change, and coming to terms with my experience. It was and is so enriching and helpful to have the interaction with you and others here. The work you do here has helped me so very much, and I am sure many others too.
        Your thoughts and philosophies seem to me like a summary of the essence of the sermon on the mount – it’s the spirit of the law that counts, it’s the intentions that count, being good to and serving others, (including oneself!).
        My ex psychopath was a preacher, too, like yours. The P’s love to hijack anything that appears good and disguise themselves with it, the better to exploit people with. I fell for my ex P because I naively did not expect someone evil to be involved serving in a church and approved of by many people (who really didn’t know him well, I later found out.) I knew nothing about Psychopaths. I overlooked the parable of the Tares, that tells us there are people with evil intent in church who look and act on the surface just like those who are there for good intent.
        Religion and spirituality are rich subjects to discuss and think about, though it’s probably a bit off topic.
        Thank you for this blog, it has helped my recovery path so much.

      • I KNEW I REMEMBERED YOU FOR A REASON!!! Good to see you again, Annette and so happy you’ve joined the conversation. We may not agree on some issues, but the basic morality is the same, which is much deeper than labels or judgment, but more in how we care for other people.

        Bless your heart!

      • annettepk says:

        And you and yours!

  44. annettepk says:

    I would not and did not understand the reality of a psychopath. Before I encountered my ex P, I would not have believed that anyone could truly be that evil and deliberately harmful. Like many people, I believed that everyone is really intrinsically ‘good’ and if they are doing rotten things, well, it’s because of some external influence like a bad childhood, and no one really means to. If I hadn’t had my own experience with a P, I would have gone to my grave believing that, and believing that victims are somehow responsible for their predicament. My experience led me to better understand many things in the biblical description of reality that I didn’t ‘get’ before.

    • When pathological Christians throw out literal interpretations, I like to share this letter posted years ago to Dr. Laura Schlessinger. One of my son’s is gay, and I prefer to avoid argument and send this instead. It’s amusing, but I do believe drives the point home with regards to putting too much emphasis in literalism, rather than the metaphorical within scripture. :)

      Letter to Dr. Laura highlights fallacy in a particular anti-homosexual argument. (Thanks to Snopes for the copy)


      Example: [Collected on the Internet, 2000]

      Dear Dr. Laura,

      Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

      I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

      a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

      b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

      c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

      d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

      e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

      f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

      g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

      h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

      i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

      j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

      I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

      Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

      Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

      • annettepk says:

        I’ve seen that list of points a couple of times over the years. I have an answer/explanation that makes sense to me for each point, that I would share upon request. For those who look to the bible for guidance, some Old Testament concepts were fulfilled by Christ’s sacrifice, and the practices changed by biblical instruction. For those who believe that homosexuality is not an option as a personal choice, guidance comes from the proscriptions against it that are repeated in the New Testament.
        Whether one believes that homosexuality or abortion, etc. is wrong or not; biblical instruction does not justify persecuting others under any circumstances. In my view, true Christianity is generally not practiced, and much of organized religion is hypocritical and based on fallacies. Religion has provided justification for all kinds of harm and persecution of others, which is about as unbiblical as one can get.
        I keep the Sabbath, according to the New Covenant.
        I am not condemning or criticizing your beliefs, nor do I lose respect for you if we don’t share every value. It’s interesting and enlightening to share ideas, and I find that dealing with psychopathy drives most of us to a quest for spirituality.

  45. Caty says:

    Thank you, I needed to read this article today, as the smear campaign started yesterday with messages to my colleagues. So furious that he has involved my work in this. I have been feeling so tense and anxious since, but I am not reacting to him. Fortunately, unbenown to him, the colleague he has involved knows all about it, and is forwarding me any messages he sends. The one that was sent back to him, I drafted. At least my colleague knows my character well enough to know that nothing he says about me should be believed and is helping to shield me from the abuse. But all the same, it is taking all my strength to take the graceful and dignified path. When this has settled, I will tell my whole story, and I have filled a few key close friends and family members in on everything to protect myself for the time being. I am hoping this is the end of it. We’ll see I guess. At least he is showing his true colours so thoroughly that I would never be tempted to have anything to do with him ever again. My experience too, is short compared to how some others have suffered, and simpler, given no children or substantial property or financial dependence involved. My heart goes out and sends strength to all those in that position and sends whatever strength I have extra. Just remember, the truth is the truth is the truth no matter what manipulations and deceits someone weak tries to peddle.

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