Mother’s day is a difficult one for many survivors of pathological parents. Even more so when the survivor is grieving the end of a pathological romantic relationship too.

I’ve been very ill and have not been up to writing, but I’ve had emails from survivors, as well as within my recovery group (Adult Children of Pathological Parents), who are really struggling with a variety of emotions about Mother’s Day. There is a lot of anguish, pain and yet for the adult child that has children of their own, it’s also bittersweet.

I’m going to attempt a post here later today. A gift to myself, as writing is a mode of catharsis for me, but before then at the very least, I wanted to wish my readers a “Happy Mother’s Day”. I realize that ‘Happy’ in front of Mother’s Day, almost seems ‘insulting’ given the pain and anguish that some of you are feeling. I understand this. But if you’re a Mom, there is still something left to celebrate. And that is YOU and your very survival.

Wherever you are in the process today, I wish you a small measure of peace, a greeting of love and care, and for you to know that you matter to me. And you matter to those that really love you.

Be nice to yourself today. You deserve it!

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Psychopaths As Power Addicts

When I peruse my political pages, I’ve noticed a growing awareness about psychopathy in positions of power such as in Congress now, as well as other positions of authority at the local, state and federal levels. People are getting better and better at using terms that apply to the disordered one: no conscience, no empathy, no compassion, no guilt, takes no responsibility for their actions that harm others, does not learn from past behavior.

Many people believe that those in power are simply ‘greedy’. This implies that the person who is ‘greedy’ could simply change were it not for a feverish addiction to money.

But it’s far, far worse and much more dangerous than this. It’s about POWER and psychopaths are insatiably addicted to it. Money is merely a symbol of the psychopath’s power, a utility to be used to manipulate and exploit, to ‘buy’ politician’s that are love bombed with money, gifts, political campaign donations and a piece of the ‘power pie’.

In our relationships, it’s exactly the same: the predatory behavior out of the psychopath, is to achieve power over the victim, and to maintain that ‘power over’ through initial exploitation and the manipulation phase (love bombing). This power is maintained through the mean/sweet cycles, creating an addiction in the victim. He uses deprivation as the relationship progresses, through overt and/or covert tactics, brainwashing, cognitive dissonance, pathological lies. The mask he wears for the victim, makes the victim believe that she ‘knows’ the psychopath, however he would never allow this in reality, for it would reveal his depravity and depth of evil, it would loosen the victim from his grip of power.

The psychopath’s lethality IS his addiction to power. When the victim dares to move from the place assigned by the  psychopath, the mask begins to slip. The more the victim realizes what the psychopath is doing, what he has done to the victim, with more awareness, the psychopath can become lethal in his rage over losing power over the victim. What the victim thought she/he knew about her/his psychopath, is a mask that reveals nothing of what the psychopath was in the beginning, but now is a raging, frightening, abusive stranger. For survivors who now understand his lethality and want out of the relationship, they must do so with very discreet precautions in place.

Sometimes survivors are so angry they find it difficult not to tell the psychopath their intentions of leaving, or of any legal recourse that the survivor may be considering. To do this is self sabotage, for the psychopath’s reaction to such disclosures would be perceived by the psychopath as a battle for power. Even when the psychopath no longer finds the survivor useful, he still sees himself as having power over his past victims. This is often why psychopaths will return for a curtain call, testing the survivor to see if his power is still in place over her/him. It’s often why they stalk. Each past victim is another power notch on his belt for which he never really lets go. Some survivors hear from the psychopath years later, as if nothing between them ever happened.

His power addiction is not only dangerous, but is played out in all that he/she does, whether in positions of authority in government, wall street or corporations, reflected in our deepening inequality and deprivation legislation, as well as deregulating wall street to gamble away American tax payer monies, but similarly in our personal relationships with them too. Through power addiction comes harm and an overwhelming sense of euphoria for psychopaths.

If survivors could just replace their perspectives of Mr. Wonderful, with reality and Mr. Lethally Power Addicted, it would be a hell of a lot easier to let go of the psychopath, seeing him as her/his true enemy, and not the fantasy filled rescuer.

Onward and Upwardmanipulation

**donations are gratefully accepted. Paypal email address is kelli.hernandez46@gmail.com**

If you’re just out of your relationship and feel you need support, please see site page (right above each post) where phone support is offered

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Words For Survivors (All Of Us) To Live By. . .

FeelingsI didn’t know how to enlarge, but I do hope it can be seen. Magnifying glasses for the blind should be utilized!

Thanks to Angel, for the pass.

**If you can consider a donation to the blog, my paypal email is kelli.hernandez46@gmail.com**

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When There Is Empathy Burn Out

One day this pain will make sense to you

Just in the few days that I started the group for adult children of psychopaths, it has been extraordinary and much more then I expected it to be. Each survivor that is there, with the exception of a few yet, are participating. Having a secret group, I think helps survivors to feel safe in sharing and everyone is in a different place of recovery. Admittedly, it helps me too, by reading their stories and sharing more of my own that I don’t share on the blog. I love this group of wonderful people, some who have been part of the blog for a long time. It’s so fun to see them in real time.

I have something to share, a place that I’ve struggled. And that struggle is with new survivors. My empathy went south on this group, as in empathy burn out. Of all the survivor groups I’ve dealt with, this group is by far the most desperate, needy and in excruciating pain. I know this because I was there too. I would have done anything to find someone who would simply listen to me.

There were other supporters that I’d met who also suffered from empathy burnout. I swore I would never run out of empathy for survivors just out of their relationships, but inevitably, I did too.

But I’d like to share the reasons why this happens, and for me, part of it is, in some ways, a trigger for me when a survivor is in the ruminating phase. Part of my anger is at the psychopath that caused the survivor the mess she/he is in. Ruminating is about the good times and almost always what he was in the beginning and if he’ll be the same way with new victim. Each survivor’s story is as similar as the last in this phase, so much so that it’s predictable. “But how, what, where, who, WHY did he do this to me?!” Simply explaining that the reason he did this is because he’s a psychopath and while it’s tragic and traumatic, you can’t change him at all, is never the right answer for a survivor in this phase. They are ruminating about what he was in the beginning, and how he’s doing all of this with her now. In reality, he’s lethal as hell and you’re lucky you got away from him. It’s a process, a long one to acceptance.

He was never that way in the beginning, as he was a predator. He was able to hook you through a vulnerability that you had, making you malleable bait for him. What he did was exploit you, manipulated you with the intent to harm. But no matter what I say, the ruminating begins again. This phase can last anywhere from six months to ‘forever’, as some survivors are never able to let go of their beginning with him. Its also during this period that they are the most likely to go back. Very few psychopaths don’t attempt a curtain call and very few survivors refuse it. They can’t because they don’t see his lethality, no matter how many times he has caused pain or even proved through other means that he is INDEED lethal. Until there is acceptance that the psychopath is not capable of empathy, and yet while the survivor continues to project empathy on to the psychopath, there can be no end to ruminating for the outcome in going back to him repeatedly, will be the same. The survivor who says she knows her psychopath is also incredibly hard to work with. There is no possible way to ‘know’ the psychopath. He was never there. Whatever habits and things he did in your years with him, are all out the window when the relationship is ending. The masks slips and his lethality becomes obvious. And even through all of this, survivors will stay. This is where I have to cut bait. There does come a time when you’ve done all you can do. The real victims are those who choose to remain so with a psychopath, even when they are aware of how lethal he is, including that he can take lives with him. Psychopaths that were never violent before can be at the end of a relationship, for it’s about POWER he is losing, not the survivor.

I’ve written articles about why the psychopath is with the new victim. What is frustrating when the relationship ends, is survivors extreme difficulty into going NC, COMPLETELY. This means off social media, email, phone, through family and friends who know the psychopath, etc. Unless hard core No Contact is implemented, healing cannot really happen. It keeps the hope alive in that maybe the survivor will hear he wants her back, is thinking of her and a variety of other ”messages’ she is open to receiving, only to see his ugly mug with the new victim all over social media. Ugh! See how messy this gets?

And I do understand why survivors just out of their relationships email me, even if they’ve read my blog, which is filled with what the psychopath does and who he is, as well as thousands of comments left on the blog, the survivor still writes. No matter what a survivor reads that is just out, there is just something about pouring your heart out, with every intimate detail to someone you don’t know who knows about psychopaths, five to six pages long without paragraph breaks. That actually takes guts, because you don’t know me. And doing so is always a risk. I take those emails to heart and they stay with me. I answer every one. Some aren’t happy with what I share, based in reality about the psychopath, something they are not ready to accept. I had to think back about what I expected when I wrote someone about my psychopath. I wanted to know how he could be fixed. I was truly hoping that a different answer to my situation was possible. I learned the hard way that it wasn’t.

I stayed with a few groups that ultimately turned out to be pathological. What helped me to understand this was one simple question that either got me booted, or had admins angry with me for daring to confront, when it wasn’t a confrontation but a simple question: “I’m tired of ruminating….it’s not helping me to feel better, do you have anything that would help me to move past this? I’m not seeing any other information here….” BOOT!

And that’s what prompted me to start my blog. I was also angry after two attempts at running my own Facebook page, twice, was filled with trolls. The blog was such a welcome relief and the troll population literally dropped to one or two on occasion.

I’m not a confrontational person. I don’t want to be angry and I also don’t care to get my PTSD panties in a bunch. I want to heal. And even though the last three years have been a real bitch and extremely stressful and despairing, I’m trying to get my mojo back.

So perhaps I’ve been a little harsh with survivors just out of their relationships. I’ve been thinking about starting another group for survivors of romantic relationships, as well as phone sessions. Maybe phone sessions might be better in working  with survivors regarding ruminating.

The last issue I have, is pathological survivors of psychopaths. Sandra Brown M.A. calls these gasoline to fire relationships. I have been sideswiped by more then one. Sometimes it’s easy to see as many are rage filled and abusive from the start, but others are more subtle and unload the mask if they don’t like what you’ve said about something. I don’t mean a simple, “I don’t agree”, but something much more violent in verbal response.

I’m working on getting past what has become repulsion in going there with ruminating. I do believe a lot of survivors have the sense to heal, to find the path forward and off the ruminating, but it does take time and effort.

I’ll have more of a decision regarding a group for survivor of pathological relationships soon. I’m open to phone sessions too and I have a page that discusses this in detail that you can find at the top of every post….

We shall see…

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Excuse Me, I’m a Survivor, NOT A “VICTIM”

It was an email from a ragingThe Ugliest thing I have ever seen is a human being without compassion survivor that prompted this post.

She said I was a ‘victim’ and that I wasn’t anything special (about my fight in trying to get social security) and that I needed to get off my ass and work, like she does.

Sometimes I ponder these emails and at other times I don’t.

In thinking about this a little more, calling someone a ‘victim’ is shaming, and meant to be. This woman came at me very angry,  but not so much about me, but her own life. And in this way, I feel for her. She’s in poverty too and when one lives in poverty, it makes you feel angry, despairing and helpless. It makes you want to lash out at others. This is not meant as an excuse for raging behaviors, but it’s understandable.

I’m a survivor, not a ‘victim’, however, I’m also a survivor victimized by a pathological system. A system that has created monumental amounts of austerity in the richest country on the planet. A system with puppets that mock those most vulnerable, that exploit them to win votes, maintain power, to create even more austerity through deprivation legislation. There is no one who knows this better than those of us who fall through their cracks. I’m so angry about this, I can’t express it to the extent that I feel it.

Much of the content regarding my case was overlooked, blatantly. My mental health issues, complete with years of documentation and an RFC filled out by my therapist (the lawyers thought it was excellent), was ignored and not even an honorable mention. My therapist had shared that this is happening to many of her clients, just in the last couple of years. It is not reflection of me, even though I internalize it, only to openly express and reject it, it is a reflection of pathology in the system. Psychopaths run our government and we have a society that is either keen to it, is easily exploited by it, or like me, is victimized by it. I won’t give up. I’ll keep going and it’s my anger that motivates me. It is the ultimate in invalidation, but I refuse to be invalidated. Does that sound like a ‘victim’ to you?

Aside from all of this, and the devastation that it’s wreaked upon my life, I’m now desperately seeking help to find employment that I can do from home. I love writing my blog, as I know psychopaths and the harm and damage they do, not just in a relationship but on a more universal scale, infesting government and society. I’m not a freelancer, but could write about this subject all day as it has so many variables, so many situations and there is so little information about the most lethal people on the planet. I also love working with survivors. But it doesn’t pay the bills.

Being in this place is very frustrating. It’s not a place I want to be in, nor a place that I asked to be in. All I know, is that I just need out of it, to have even a bit of stability.

I have so much more to write about, so much more to share that I hope others can learn from me. It’s very hard to be positive, to stay that way when financial stability is non-existent. I’m 51 years old now, little life skills, no job skills. An outcome of my abuse. This is something else I’d like to write more about too. I know I’m not alone. I know I have something to offer. Right now that some survivors walk away from this blog and feel that they have learned something that helps them understand their experiences and the psychopath better, is the blessing I receive for the hard work I’ve done here and continue to do with other survivors who feel they’ve just walked out of a war zone.

Psychopaths are very dangerous, very lethal and worse in a system of corruption that continues that does harm to millions in this country. Part of the problem that survivors have when they exit their relationships, is harkening back to a time in the beginning, that in reality, was the most dangerous part of the relationship, the very thing that prevents a realistic look at his/her lethality.

Where I believed myself to be free of psychopaths, I’ve discovered that this is far from so, but those in power are far more powerful than I, and a collective effort to remove them is what is necessary to stop the endless injustice of those most vulnerable in this country, a population where poverty covers half of the country and includes many groups targeted for deprivation and destruction..but most of all, removal of opportunity. It is damned hard to get a job these days, and I know ten times harder when you suffer from chronic physical and mental health issues. We want our lives to get better, we are NOT lazy or unmotivated. We do not expect handouts, but wish for opportunity and programs that will help them develop skills and find jobs. This is especially hard when you’re disabled, but do not have a ‘government stamp that legalizes you as disabled and therefore access to more program to help you go back to work then if you do not. Funding for mental health has been severely cut and subsequent destruction of many programs that once existed to help the disabled, are now gone in my state.

In order to get to the places I need to go, requires money to get there. I have nothing. Everything I saved, is gone. I’m blessed to be completely caught up with my bills, so I’m not facing homelessness, or shut off of my utilities. Now it’s just money I need for gas to get where I need to go. I have no idea yet what Voc Rehab will do to help me, but I do know that I’ll be making repeated trips in order to prepare for employment.  If you can spare a small donation that would be great in helping with this endeavor. My preference is to work from home, because this feels safe to me as my PTSD is quite severe. I don’t know if Voc Rehab will offer this to me as an option, but I can pray about it. Also, if you know of any legitimate work at home businesses, please let me know. I’m not a freelance writer, something that is much different then writing for the blog. If I were a mental health professional, I would consider phone sessions with survivors. I’ve been asked about phone sessions in the recent past. Now that I have a home phone, I’m considering this.

My donation link is on the blog, but to save time (survivors have a hard time finding this), my paypal email is kelli.hernandez46@gmail.com

ANY suggestions for legit work from home positions are greatly welcomed and appreciated. I need to work with my limitations. Some I can try to push, but others, especially with my chronic health conditions, I will not be able too. If you can help in any way in my endeavor to find employment or a small donation, please let me know.

Here’s to hope,  healing, peace and a more compassionate world, amidst a government and society full of the pathological.

Onward and Upward…

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Psychopaths In Power and in Relationships- Exploitation and the Smear Campaign

hatred and intolerance

I love this meme and am a hopeless ‘quotes’ addict. Anyway, I have my assortment of haters and because I’m sensitive and hurt easily, yet still keep up this desire to believe everyone has the best of intentions, I’ve learned through my work here, and through interacting on my political pages and blogs, that this isn’t always the case. Whether it’s a disordered survivor or a troll who pays a visit, with what I call ‘hit and run’ emails, or hate messages in my ‘other’ folder on Facebook, hate is alive and well. The truth is, you won’t be able to please everyone.

I visit other blogs and read them. Easily swayed by guilt and/or shame, most of them are altruistic in saying that they allow every single comment made to their blog to get through. I do not. When a survivor does not get through and the comment has been trashed, they write to me and accuse me of infringing upon their free speech rights. This is manipulation. I let them know that they exhibited their free speech right through their comment, that I read it, and therefore, I’m choosing not to allow that ‘free speech” on my blog where it has the high potential to harm others, or is a direct challenge to me in which they wish to triangulate.

I’m very mindful of my own triggers and I’m mindful of the population that visits my blog. I let them know that there isn’t a post-it note attached to the 1st Amendment that says free speech does not come with consequences and if it’s potentially hateful or engages in tactics that pathological would engage in, it’s not getting through.
Once I’ve made myself clear, they blow up my email, calling me names, threatening me, and continue to do so until they realize there will be no more engagement. Those emails alone are a reflection of the author and their reaction to my refusal to allow their comment is validation that my gut was correct. I feel a tremendous sense of responsibility for my blog and for those who take part here. There are a thousand more blogs that I’m sure would welcome free ‘hate’ speech.

This is a boundary for me. I’ve always struggled with boundaries, my own and that of others too. This is something I’ve worked hard on the last few months. I see the necessity of boundaries and sticking to them. If you come at me with hate, you’ll be shown the gate. I won’t put up with it. At the same time, I won’t put up with it out of myself either. It’s very interesting when you’re mindful enough to observe your own reactions to things and from where they come.

Assumptions are another area of irritation, both for myself and out of others. I’ve given a lot of thought to this. Assumptions made, can arise from narratives and stereotypes that do not apply to everyone, such as with those in poverty in our country, or minorities or LGBT. On the political pages and blogs I visit, this is particularly troubling. I believe that psychopaths in power get away with what they do because they exploit through narratives and stereotypes of others, creating assumptions of whole groups, without a fact check, let alone a discussion with someone in a group being targeted.

Realizing this was probably some intellectual laziness on the part of those who assume or drink the vats of Kool-Aid of psychopathic exploitation, without questioning or researching exploitative remarks about others, I began to really THINK about how this applies to my life, about my own assumptions, from where they arise and at whom they’ve been directed and how to see myself so I can catch it when it happens, seeking solution, and not reacting. In so admitting to my ability to assume too quickly, it is also a challenge to discern what are assumptions made and which is factual in nature about that assumption. When it derives from hate, fear or emotional triggers, it’s fair to say that an assumption has little to no basis in fact. 

I learned I made an ass out of myself on several occasions when an emotional trigger led me to assume about what someone said or did (the first assumption is that they’re always pathological in some way), further leading me to judge, then accuse and demonize. I allowed the poisonous rigors of anguish to infect my entire being. Assumptions turn into judgments and judgments turn into accusation, without ever giving an person or a group of people a voice in correcting any of them. And that’s just my political pages where I’ve been quick to anger at injustice…

But this can happen in our personal lives too. Have you ever been pissed off at someone for something they said that may have not been directed at you, but because it’s an emotional trigger of some kind, an assumption is made about the person who said it, and all  of a sudden this person is a ‘spath’, a ‘narc’ or some other form of disorder? You’re then applying labels to them and it’s so built up in your head, that now you’re really angry and it’s time to tell this person off! This is what assumptions arising from emotional triggers can do and it can hurt people, making the person doing the assuming out to be a bit pathological themselves in behavior (even if they are not).

When assumption, turned to judgement, turned to accusation, turns to confrontation the person on the other end of this wonders whom you’re talking about or too and puts them immediately on the defensive, while feeling hurt and wondering where this is coming from, going through their minds..”OMG! What did I say or do here to make this person so angry?”
It is very difficult to be on the defensive end of an assumption resulting from a trigger and you realize that it’s already so built up in that person’s mind that even if you tried to ‘fix’ it, the person is likely to assume more, accuse more and then after boot you from their lives. This is stuff I won’t tolerate anymore. If you’re not willing to ask me questions FIRST, rather than assume, then there is no trust. It’s hard to repair a relationship when there is no trust.

So how many times, with my PTSD at play, have I alienated someone because what was really going on, was something inside of ME? Fear of being hurt, fear of being used, fear of another pathological in my life? In my effort to work with this knowledge, I realized that what many of us miss while believing exploitation of others, false narratives and stereotypes, are quite simply, QUESTIONS. If we ask questions, instead of falling for narratives, stereotypes through exploitation and lies, or allowing an emotional trigger to take over, there is hope for growth of a relationship, a community, a nation. . .

I’ve practiced asking questions and doing research if I feel an assumption coming on. I’ve been so surprised with the results. Sometimes I can’t find an emotional trigger. If it’s someone I know who set it off, I ask them questions to AVOID assumptions, judgement and accusation out of me about them. It’s astounding to me how fast an emotional trigger can have me angry and upset at someone. It fester inside me like an infection that immediately spreads. Emotional triggers, if left too long on broil in the mind, can have this person you’re upset with, so demonized, you’re almost ready to go no contact on them! Ugh!

I’ve had to dole out many apologies for doing this to others. I know that once that cat is out of the bag, it’s hard to trust me. I have to give careful thought about what the emotional trigger is, and then form it into a question, allowing my friends to give me answers. I’ve lost friends because of my assumptions, often reaching the point of NC and booting them from my life before they ever get a chance to respond, over something that was nothing more than a misunderstanding or a trigger to me.

But on a more universal level, this is dangerous and its ripping our country apart. Narratives and stereotypes provided liberally by Psychopaths in power, about vulnerable and voiceless people who cannot afford to buy a Representative to further their own dreams and wishes for opportunity, means that over half the country is assuming, judging and accusing these groups (poor, minorities, LGBT, etc) of doing things that, overall, many are not. Economic injustice is at the root of this evil.

I have many friends who are all an assortment of colors, sexual orientation, disabled, elderly or just friends my age who are middle to upper class who do not have the burdens of hatred visited upon them by society and are of the few who have empathy and compassion about people in my situation and with the seemingly immoral ways of our society in how people are treated. I love my friends dearly, some of whom seem more like family to me and through diversity, I’ve listened to each who are regularly subjected to governmental scapegoating and societal hatred.

All of this pain, despair, courage and just trying to survive, for most of them, along with what seems as though a deepening empathy deficit in society, derives from economic injustice. How did we go from progress, from politicians that carried just enough empathy, even while carrying enormous egos, to the purely conscienceless we now have in power? How did we go from a nation fighting for rights, such as with MLK during the 60’s, Malcolm X, JFK and RFK? So many others fighting on behalf of the people. And where are they now? All of them met the same fate. The message is very clear- if you fight for the people, your life is at risk. The rest of us in society who call out pathological behavior, such as when I call out a racist, I’m accused of being a race baiter. I find this somewhat amusing as of course, this is a projection. Those who want to fight on the side of justice, justice in ANY way, whether it’s legal justice, ECONOMIC justice, equal rights FOR ALL, are shut down, shot to death, demonized and scapegoats by friends and family. To imagine this, but only on a grander scale, it’s very much the same as the smear campaign waged upon survivors of the romantic relationship when it ends.

Survivors are sideswiped by the smear campaign as it vortexes family, friends, coworkers alike. Survivors cannot understand why those that seemed so supportive of them while with the psychopath during the relationship and those they felt bonded too, are now hateful, abusive and hurtful to them. This is precisely how it feels when psychopaths in power wage smear campaigns upon the most vulnerable and when those most vulnerable, feel its effects in a society that hates them because the psychopath exploited them to do so.

The psychopath who wages war against his earlier victim, exploits those closest to her, tells all kinds of lies, takes every intimate detail about her and shares it with everyone they know and all of this information is twisted and distorted into a narrative about her that is as far from reality as the psychopath is. It is the same for those of us in society who are vulnerable when the psychopath in power is at work on the smear campaign against us and its believed, because no one bothers to check the ‘accuracy’ of these smears. And no one bothers to check with the survivor either, or to question whether what the psychopath is saying is true. We don’t question the psychopath. Not those in positions of power and not those in personal relationships, nor do we question the victims and try to get their perspective. We assume that what the psychopath says is TRUE.

The fallout from the smear campaign is devastating. While the psychopath exploits and scapegoats the survivor, he has enlisted a band of cronies and supporters who will stand against her in court, tell everyone she is crazy and incompetent (and her reactions can make her look as if she is), that she is incapable of parenting, use the children as weapons against her, etc and if he gets the legal system involved, it is just that a ‘legal system’, not a justice system. Justice, while it sometimes happens, in recent years, it seems more tilted in favor of the pathological.

Our relationship with psychopaths in power, is similar to the romantic relationship. The same tactics are utilized over an entire nation, that are used in the romantic relationship. Anything and everything will be used to exploit others fear and hatred, ignorance and intolerance, to keep the uninformed away from any measure of truth that means corruption, fraud, lies, depravity, injustice upon those in society. by powerful psychopaths. is overlooked. Ignorance is not necessarily limited to only those whose intellect is ASSUMED as suspect and below average because a person lives in poverty, but to a special kind of intellect where the powerful are emotionally impoverished, without emotional intelligence = without empathy. But for many, it is ASSUMED that those in positions of power have such capabilities, yet their actions, intent, exploitation of fear and hatred, manipulation of their base, show us that what we have done, is handed the keys of government over to very sick and disordered people with the emotional capacity of a 12-year-old. There are those in poverty, who have this level of emotional intelligence, hence providing them with the ability to see what those in power are doing to them. This is why the GOP worked so hard to suppress the minority and poor vote. They know that most will NOT vote against themselves, are aware of the level of evil these people possess and want them out of power. Psychopaths fear those who have insight as to their behavior, and this is why the smear campaign happens even before their personal relationships are over. They do not want the victim to be the first one out of the gate in telling others what the psychopath is and what the psychopath has done. It is this way with psychopaths in power too. The smear campaign against those most vulnerable is waged when the psychopath is in preparation for more deprivation legislation. He uses his supporters to demonize a vulnerable group, hence justifying harm, damage and further trauma to the vulnerable group so demonized.

I have seen many who have a high degree of intelligence, who are very naïve about the hardships of others, who fight with the exploitation of psychopaths in power in that it is NOT the fault of those in poverty for our current crisis, but indeed it is psychopaths in power who CREATED this hardship in the first place.

Although we DO have a level of responsibility in all of this. Just as it is in relationship with a psychopath, we STAY until we become AWARE of what the psychopath is really doing, who the psychopath really is. When the mask slips and awareness moves in, pushing the victim to survivor, responsibility is now to be taken by the survivor to remove themselves from the abuse. This is the same as it is with psychopaths in power. Just as it is in the relationship, so it is in our relationship with our Government, we have normalized abuse. We have spoken with our ignorance and with our votes that we are allowing deprivation legislation to pass without so much as a fuss, we are allowing black youth to be murdered on our streets by white racist cops. We are allowing the punishment of an ever-increasing homeless population, by shoving them into forested areas, into old construction sites. We are cheering the end of some social programs that feed our citizens because psychopaths LIE. All a psychopath in power need do, is to tell the middle and upper class that 47% of the country are lazy moochers, sucking off the teet of government and that we are creating dependence. There is not a greater farce then this. The smear campaign is on and half the country believes it. Does it make it easier to understand how your ex psychopath gets away with his tactics, lies and exploitation throughout the smear campaign?

This injustice has been created over years. Those in poverty, a state of being that does not discriminate, has risen, while social programs have experienced draconian cuts, mental health has been cut, Pell grants have been cut, education is unaffordable for college students, who are now thinking twice about going to college and walking into a field already saturated by previous graduates, forcing them to look for work at minimum wage jobs, the highest sector of job growth now. Then there are those who are still feeling the pain of loss, for many of them the American dream ceased to exist in 2008. Why are the psychopathic bankers who caused so many to lose all they had worked so damned hard for, not sitting in prison, but instead are still on Wall Street, gambling off all that ‘savings’ from draconian cuts to social programs and those who worked their butts off and lost it all?

With every single psychopathic tactic waged upon a receptive, but intellectually lazy population who refuses to engage in simple questioning of Psychopaths in power and their intent to turn what was once a democracy into a fascist state, exploitation and pathological lies are not only received, but wholeheartedly embraced as truth.

A few days ago, another exploitative tactic was visited upon the middle and upper classes that demonized and scapegoats another vulnerable group in society: the disabled.

Senator Rand Paul, contender for the Presidential nomination in 2016, spoke at a New Hampshire Legislative Leaders Breakfast, the following was a perfect example of exploitation:

“You know, the thing is is that with all of these programs, there’s always somebody who’s deserving and everybody in this room knows somebody who is gaming the system. What I tell people is, “If you look like me and you hop out of your truck, you shouldn’t be getting a disability check.” You know, over half the people on disability are either anxious or their back hurts. Join the club! [Laughter] Who doesn’t get up a little anxious for work every day and their back hurts?! Everybody over 40 has a back pain.”

This is compassionate conservatism at its best and Rand has all the bona fides he needs to run for president. Cue up the “47% of Americans are freeloaders who don’t pay taxes” speech and he’s good to go.~ Daily Kos writer.

This was displayed by various blogs, news articles and pages on Facebook. I can’t imagine how Fraud Zoo (Fox News) played this one up, and while I’ve taken a peek for about ten minutes at Fox, each time I’ve felt, well, dirty and that I’ve taken a trip to the Twilight Zone.

It wasn’t the myriad of exploitative remarks made about the disabled this past week (by various others in power on the right too), that deeply troubled me, what was disheartening was the comment section where the articles about Senator Rand’s exploitative comments was discussed. A perfect example of what happens when we do not ask questions, but assume these exploitative remarks to be true. A quick Google search and it isn’t difficult to see that this is a monumental lie. PTSD is an extreme of anxiety disorder. Those of us who live with this nightmare everyday, would not describe ourselves as a ‘little anxious’. “But he’s a DOCTOR, he would KNOW what anxiety is!” He’s an ophthalmologist, an EYE doctor, not someone who is qualified to speak to either anxiety as he is NOT a psychiatrist or therapist, but also neurosurgeon he is NOT.

I’ve said in the past that if I had a dime for every person responding to these exploitative statements as truth, following it up with their own narrative, assumption and judgment of an entire group as “Yeah, I know someone who is doing that…he lives down the street from me and I see him mowing his yard once a week…”- Wow. Profound. So because he’s mowing his yard once a week, means he isn’t disabled? Not only was this an attack upon the disabled, but further an attack on invisible illness. Rand Paul, as well as other psychopaths in power know this and play on it when making these statements. They also know that many people in society haven’t a clue about invisible illness, mental illness, or the process endured to get and to keep your social security. All of this, again goes directly to economic injustice, with evil intent, which is to decimate altogether or privatize social security so that Wall Street, banks and corporations get more of a cut to gamble with.

I compare this nonsense to a psychopath’s smear campaign. Many survivors wonder why so many believe his contrived stories about her/him. It’s very much like the social reactions to exploitation out of those in power. Power is really what it’s all about. Power to a psychopath is completely intoxicating. The more power a psychopath has, the more damage he can do, the more intoxicated he becomes, the more depraved he is, the more damage he can do to the victim, abuse by proxy. Sit and think about how MILLIONS of others are feeling while enduring many smear campaigns waged upon them by psychopaths in power and the MILLIONS in society that BELIEVE them. This has led to psychopaths in power implementing one economic injustice after another, and mostly in secret, with the permission of half the country who believes those lies, never thinking that the psychopath is really not on their side, but has plans to destroy them too. It’s largely, the middle class who is being exploited into believe the poor are to blame.

This is where powerlessness comes in for those who are victimized by it. This kind of power is extremely dangerous in the wrong hands and affects the lives of millions of people who did not ask for it and who did not vote for it. Psychopathic power addiction, along with exploitation of middle and upper class, in turn scapegoating and demonizing subgroups in society that ALL fall under the arm of economic injustice, empowers Psychopaths in power to continue to create austerity measures that are doing massive harm to all of us.

People that support psychopaths  by believing their exploitation through false narratives and stereotypes without asking questions as to whether this statistically bears out as truth or worse, assuming that these narratives and stereotypes are accurate descriptions of those who bear the burden of disability or poverty, do nothing more than empower the Psychopath and justify his wrongdoing.

Poverty now encompasses many groups in society and leads to hopelessness, despair, dependence, desperate measures to survive, anger, rage, frustration, familial abuse, murder, suicide. Poverty is traumatic, and where there was not mental health issues before, there surely is now. Where mental health was already present, it is highly exacerbated by poverty.

We live in very dangerous times, with the most dangerous Congress we have ever had, with more psychopaths then we have ever had. Just as they are no longer as difficult to see in my personal life, they are not in Government either. So far, the middle class has been spared the kind of deprivation legislation that those of us in poverty, have not escaped. This too, will come to an end. Assumptions are not only likely to get us a few boots from others friends lists on Facebook, but I do believe that ASSumption is an excellent descriptive label for those who engage in it because for every assumption made, there is a special piece of karma implemented upon those who make assumption a habit, who believe the lies and exploitation of the psychopath. Have you ever heard the cliché, “When you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME?” We have a lot of asses in our country. I know. I’ve been one of them too.

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When Psychopaths Rule The Masses

Today, I was denied social security. My mental health conditions, completely overlooked.

I’m far more than just devastated and terrified, in a hyper vigilant state. It’s hard not to feel that I’ve endured so many years of pain and so many psychopaths have walked away unscathed. I’m convinced they are dominant in our system, that austerity is the goal. There are many who hate me, simply because I’m poor, because I’m disabled.

We don’t matter. Judge’s have been encouraged to deny. It’s rumored that they receive kick backs if they do and it’s hard not to believe it when you see their approval rates dwindling to nothing. . .

I’ve often wondered how many in this nation are like me. Are facing such devastation without anything to fall back on. A judge’s decision can destroy a life. I’m trying so hard, so hard now, not to internalize his decision as invalidation. Mental health in this country is grossly underfunded and we wonder why there is so much mental illness with ensuing despair. We are demonized by a population that has been exploited to see us as welfare Queens and Kings,  as lazy, as unmotivated.  I’m deeply despairing.

Is it karma? What did I do wrong in my life that I continue to feel punished for the sins of my parents? My choices as a result? Choices made without awareness to the truth. Is wanting, in fact desiring peace and stability, something that is no longer attainable? Living in poverty is traumatic, as is also the challenges of doing so with mental illness, with physical limitations. While I won’t and really don’t want to go into great detail, I’m now facing a surgery that will take weeks to heal from, but one that can no longer be put off, as well as another illness that is no longer controlled.

Terror and fear, the hallmarks of those who live as I do. The free fall that says you are completely alone in the world. The battle in trying to accept limitations when you’re being told you don’t have them. Cognitive dissonance, mind fuckery. This is my reality now. I do not wish to be a burden to my children or anyone else. But psychopaths from my past who escaped accountability, and with more now in power than ever, where I once believed that I could overcome it, I didn’t see that psychopaths still surround me and still have the power to wound me, only this level of power is not something I can control. And they have half the nation convinced that I deserve what I get….nothing. No peace, no hope.

Today, once again, I found myself ‘explaining’ to a friend why I can’t do a certain, simple job that she had suggested. It wasn’t said in a way that was meant to hurt, yet still that same SHAME came to me. It’s so easy to shame people like me. We don’t have the ability to argue or fight back. It’s devastating when what you see in your mind, is freedom to be independent, to rest, to think, to invest in self-care and to continue to reach out to others whose pain is felt. That is all gone. All gone now. . .

I know there are people who say that people like me are perpetual ‘victims’. Of course, it doesn’t matter that all the effort you’re making is to better your life just a little bit. Just enough so that you can rest, so that you can clear your mind of endless clutter as the process for disability is humiliating.

My life was destroyed today. That’s where I’m at right now. Trying to process such a devastating outcome and not think into tomorrow….because that brings only more terror to me.

I’m truly alone in the world now. Truly alone. But in that ‘alone-ness’, in terror and fear, I embrace my truth and will be true to myself. I’ll never allow anyone to shame me for having mental illness and physical issues not caused by me. I know my truth. I embrace my truth, even though others do not, or hate me for what they do not understand and do not know.  It is the only thing keeping me alive right now.

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How Do I Embrace My PTSD?

I’ve found it very difficult lately to come to my blog and write. This happens when I’m experiencing crisis that is very intense and has me sensitive to triggers or where crisis is all-consuming and therefore my chronic illnesses tend to exacerbate, requiring much more self-care.

I discovered something important about myself last week that I think was a big step in my recovery, even though it did not feel this way at the moment the crisis was occurring.

I think it’s possible that those who come from pathological homes might understand this with a little more depth than those who met their pathologicals later in life, and have a supportive family dynamic. As I’ve outlined before in many other articles written about pathological parents, it’s very, very difficult, if not at times impossible, to ‘explain’ what it is to not only have lived in such an environment as a child, but the consequences that are life long.

Yes, I did say life long. Not for all of us but for many of us.

If you’ve read my blog for a while then you know that I’ve endured the living hell that it is, in waiting for Social Security. I’ve had my hearing now and am just prayerfully waiting for the decision, which has not been made yet. I was wrong in that the hearing is probably the hardest part, it’s the WAIT afterward.

At any rate, it’s been three weeks and life goes on and bills still arrive on time. Having been in this place for three years now, my foster parents are no longer able to help me. My son finally landed employment but it will be several checks before we are anything that could be called ‘caught up’ on the past due bills that we’ve had. This included our electric bill which is now over $500.00. The electric company here where I live, know my situation and have been extremely kind to me in providing as many extensions as possible until some kind of help arrived. The drawback now is that my son’s job arrived a little too late and so the electric company cannot take less now, then $500.00 + that is due.

I called what we here call ‘energy assistance’ a federally funded program that helps low-income people pay their electric bill. The demand is extremely high and becomes worse every year with reduction in funding. It is first come, first serve. You must call and get on their automated phone call list. If you get a call back, it’s like GOLD, as it’s the ONLY chance you get at speaking with a live person. If you miss it, it could be several days or weeks before you hear from them again.

So this last week, I was facing shut off. I had a five-day shut off notice, but had several messages into the program phone line prior to this notice, praying they would get to me before shut off occurred. As the shut off day arrived, and I had not received a call from the agency, I began to panic. I was already in hyper vigilant mode, the alarm systems all on red alert. For me, this feeling is nearly unbearable to deal with and I was working hard to manage it until the inevitable had arrived. I kept calling my utility company, trying to find out exactly WHEN this would occur. I was told by a rep that they didn’t know, but that I was definitely scheduled for shut off. At the same time, I was calling in to the energy assistance crisis line, leaving message after message, telling them that PGE intended to shut me off that day and to please call me as soon as possible. Back and forth it went like this all day Wednesday. Nearing 5  p.m. and a basket case, I called PGE and asked when will this happen? “Not today, they are done with shut off’s for the day, but definitely tomorrow.”

I was relieved believing that this was giving me more time for the agency to call and hopefully to ward off a disconnect. The very next morning, at 7:30 am, a call was placed to my cell phone. I continued to check periodically and nothing. At 7:45 a.m. I checked again and there was a notification for my voice mail. “Oh NOOOOOOO”. . .my ringer was OFF. Of all the times for this to happen, why now? I was so anguished and frustrated by this. How could I not have checked this?? How stupid can I be? I never turn the ringer off on my cell. I may choose not to answer, but I do not turn the ringer off on my cell. Ever.

Then I remembered that my granddaughter was over the night before, playing with my phone and I’d forgotten to check to make sure she didn’t turn the ringer off, as she likes to push the buttons and pocket call people. She’s no longer allowed to play with the phone.

I was beyond frustrated waiting, but my PTSD, at this point, was off the charts. The next day arrived and I prepared myself once again for a PGE worker to show up at my door. By three in the afternoon, even after calling back the energy assistance call back line, still nothing…and they were closed on Fridays. Sometimes they will answer right away once you are completely shut off and at that point I was begging for someone to come and turn it off. Again I was met with, “I’m sorry I can’t tell you but it won’t be today…..”

I lost it. Completely lost it. The entire two days I was such a hot mess, I could not eat, when I did could not keep it down, nor could I sleep. I felt terrorized, it felt almost intentional by these two entities, as if I was being jacked around. I had internalized what was happening. Deprivation all over again, feeling exhausted and defeated and having absolutely no control over the outcome. An emotional trigger, much harder to define. This has been the most difficult and extremely stressful part of the last three years: No control, no stability, no rest. I have aged. The other day looking into the mirror, seeing what I thought looked like nearly skeletal remains, I’d become so thin from so much stress, so worn. I noticed more than one distinct streak of gray hair flowing from the crown of my head to the end of my now very long hair. I am tired of the fight. And it shows.

The second day, was much like the last, but off and on in fetal position on the floor, once again, lamenting at God…at my pathological parents, and at myself, sobbing and sobbing. I hate this about myself and I hate my PTSD. I hate feeling so terrorized. It often makes me feel very weak. Very unstable. Suicide has crossed my mind at least a dozen times over the last year, my children and grandchildren sparing me in that they didn’t need one more trauma out of me to deal with. I love them enough to try to learn to love me, but there are times that I see the burden I’ve become and I have grown so very weary of it.

I had never thought to do something like this in the past, but I felt I had nothing left to lose. I avoid telling anyone about my PTSD and feel incredibly vulnerable when I do. I was so angry at this feeling of being jacked, while this utility company knows that energy assistance is not available on Fridays. It was now Thursday evening. So at 5:30 p.m., I called them, sobbing. I told the rep who answered, that while I knew there was nothing that could be done, I wanted to file a verbal complaint. I told the rep that I have PTSD. I explained how the situation was affecting me. I actually told him that I felt that I had lived the earlier two days, terrorized at this impending disconnect and that I was not able to emotionally deal with it, per my limitations, a mental health disorder. PTSD.

The Rep was speechless for a minute or two then said, “Hold on, okay? I’ll be right back, just stay there and don’t hang up, ok?” A blubbering ‘ok’ was about all I could get out. When he came back, he said that his Supervisor had put an emergency hold on the disconnect and that they were going to give me one more month extension so that I had time for energy assistance to reach me, as they understood energy assistance is overwhelmed with those in need this year so the wait can be long and that funding had been cut again this year. . .

Although I was tremendously grateful and continued to thank the Rep, I had no idea what else to say. Relief did not come immediately, for all the red alert systems were still stuck at the ‘on’ position. But yet I learned. My reactions are such that I cannot avoid sharing the truth about my past, my PTSD and how it affects me and my life.

I need to find a way to make friends with PTSD. I need to find a way to embrace it in a way that means I can learn to accept its severity for me and unpredictability in my life. I began to think about the things I avoid intentionally that I believe keep me and others safe. By that I mean that sometimes during a trigger,  I can blurt out things that are abusive and I can hurt someone’s feelings. When triggers happen to me, I describe them as a gun shot going off right next to my head. I truly cannot control it and it has, more than once, hurt other people.

I’ve also discovered other things in my life that create triggers. I realized that my need for predictability and control in my life is because I’ve never had it before. Living with pathological parents, partners and friends, means that while the behaviors are predictable, the ‘when’ never is. I learned to expect disappointment, never to count on any expectations, which led to my inability to dream, to hope. I never developed a sense of faith in a real and true God, because of my pathological upbringing and the hellfire and brimstone teaching, at the time, of the Catholic Church in which I attended, both at church and at school, where I was mercilessly bullied throughout grade school. My wounds were open to everyone and like predatory animals that can smell dinner miles away, so could any bullies in my life. Like it was with my pathological parents, I was not allowed to fight back and I didn’t. I gave my heart and trust to the wrong people my entire life, yet loved each one of them deeply, only to realize this was not a healthy love, but a traumatic bonding with each. I learned to love and trust people who could not or would not love me, and yet found me just ‘useful’ enough for sexual gratification or verbal/physical abuse.

PTSD, Society and poverty is the subject of my next post. I’m as active politically as I can be, someone who wishes to understand what is going on in government, in society, to know why our systems are so dysfunctional and pathological, leading to deprivation and poverty. My political activism has contributed to turning things around for me, and not in the way one might think. I’m sharing this ahead of time, so that you know my thoughts on this subject may be triggering to some, but that I feel my message must change in a way that fits me and may be helpful to others in a personal way too.

Wishing you all peace, happiness, abundant love and blessing for the New Year. Thank you for all your contributions to this blog that have helped me and so many others. But for those who post here with pathological parents, I am most grateful for you. Until I created this blog, rarely was it that I found a support page, group or forum that discusses the consequences and problems associated with having the disordered as parents. There is a kinship I feel with all of you with these parents because it is a situation that NO ONE can understand unless one has lived it. I hope we can work to help one another in our healing process this year, in shared stories, outcomes, struggles and ways to help one another find healing.

Onward and Upward.

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Why Sociopaths Are So Addictive-Love Fraud Article

I’ve written about the lethality of the psychopath here, in terms of the addictive bond that forms with the psychopath during the relationship.
While I don’t visit Love Fraud often anymore, I still opt in to receive the sites articles in my email. I opened this one this morning and decided to post here for those of you who are just out of your relationship and are wondering what just happened to you.

Love Fraud is a site owned by Donna Andersen, a victim of a sociopath herself. The site is wonderful in that there are hundreds of articles to read that give varying opinions on the sociopath and his/her behaviors. I highly recommend visiting the site for reading.

It’s my believe that the addictive component to the relationship is the most dangerous. It forfeits the ability to see the psychopath’s lethality in the relationship. The addictive component is not limited to the exploitation/manipulation phase in the beginning, but we become addicted to the negative aspects of cycling in the relationship–the abuse.

I’ve been working on a post about the psychopath’s lethality but it’s slow going. I hope to have it completed soon.

Onward and upward


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An Open Love Letter to Your Inner Child

Today is my 51st birthday. This is my gift to myself today.

There’s a lot of pain and processing going on in my life right now, so I’ve not been able to write much.

The following link from Rebelle Society was posted to my timeline by a writer friend of mine, who understands what I’m going through. While the article is beautifully written and appropriate for any survivor of childhood abuse, as an adult child of a psychopathic parent, I found it to be most bittersweet and felt compelled to share it here.

I’ve been working on and off on my next post regarding the lethality of the psychopath. I hope to get it done as soon as I’m able, but in the meantime, I hope this post finds you in a place of peace.


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