Lately, I’ve been struggling a lot with physical health issues. I have two autoimmune disorders that tend to wreak a lot of havoc with me, Lupus and Hashimoto’s Disease. Presently, my Hashimoto’s is in acute phase. This is an autoimmune disorder of the thyroid gland. I never know what’s going to set it off or when. The random nature of this illness is enough to get the triggers going for me, exacerbating my PTSD, as well as depression that I have with it.
And when you’re living in abject poverty, waiting for an answer on a social security claim to finish processing, it is nothing less than a living hell. Stress can often trigger my autoimmune. Well, not knowing if you’re going to be on the streets, month after month, is enough to make anyone lose their ability to think straight. But what I find so stressful about all of this, is not just my illness or my poverty, but what I have to do to survive it.
Enter political psychopathy. I’m very politically active. I spend time on political pages, educating others about psychopathy. If there is anything that creates more triggers for me, it’s this. Yet, like a rubber necker on the freeway, I find myself immersed, motivated to help people understand how their hate, fear, religious zealousness, empathy, poverty, money, anything and everything can and will be used by pathological politicians to exploit the masses, to divide, to triangulate. Triangulation is one of the psychopath’s favorite games/tactics. And in this country, it works.
Not too long ago, there was an article on one of my political pages about Mitch McConnell and his scapegoating of food stamp recipients. His ‘belief’ (exploitation of wealthy and white angst over the belief that the majority of their taxes go to those in poverty–they don’t), that food stamp recipients are ‘doing too good’, is a not only one of the biggest pathological lies told by those in power, but is also a projection. For it is these members of Congress that are doing ‘too good’ on tax payer dollars, and while many people don’t consider this to be a problem, most don’t recognize projection or exploitation either. it is this kind of exploitative scapegoating that allows power and money to co-exist in a way that American’s are so busy pointing fingers at one another, those in power continue to rip them off with wild abandon.
When I see these kinds of articles, I’m immediately outraged. It is a huge trigger for me because of my circumstances. When people begin to comment about these articles on the Facebook pages that highlight them, I feel even more angry. The ignorance, willful or not, stereotypes, false narratives, and outright mimicry of exploiters words, has me going from anger to depression. I feel hopeless. I feel hurt. I feel vulnerable and used. I feel sabotaged. But more so than anything else, I feel completely voiceless amid all the societal pathological noise. . .
Our government, politics, corporations, wall street and banks are full of these psychopaths. With the exception of very few, most of our elected officials are living high off the hog of tax payer money, while working for the powerful entities that they serve. None of them include most of us. Our system has been corrupt for so long, pathological behavior and tactics having become the ‘norm’ that American’s have ‘adjusted’ to it, making our society a profoundly sick one. It is not possible to be around psychopaths and not be affected by their disorder. It doesn’t matter if it’s a partner, a parent, a child or a politician, all will be affected.
Pathological means extremes. Hatred, by itself, is pathological. Psychopaths are all about extremes. It shows up in their behavior and tactics, and it is visited upon all of those closest to them, but it’s also visited upon an entire nation. Psychopaths are power addicts and unregulated capitalism = psychopathy. It attracts the disorder like moths to a flame. It’s the power that they crave, it’s the addiction to that power that is insatiable, therefore dangerous if you’re a target. What comes with this power when discussing government and politics is profit. Psychopaths love having dollar signs attached to their names. Because people in our society have been indoctrinated to believe that status = worth, it is easy to understand how psychopath’s exploit this in society, making people believe that they have so much power, always attached to a dollar amount, that we are helpless to do anything about changing what is really an imbalance of power, and what is in reality, with economic injustice/inequality from which all fiscal and social ills and unrest derive.
What helps them to get away with this, is what helps them get away with it in their personal relationships too. The psychopath exploits his victims. He strategically and methodically extrapolates their vulnerabilities for his own selfish purpose. Once he figures out what the victim’s vulnerabilities are, he goes in for the kill, aka love bombing (manipulation phase), he makes the victim believe that he is more than ‘just on her side’ but that the two of them together are ascended on high, reaching a point of soul mate or star status. Once the victim is convinced that the psychopath is the Knight in Shining Armor she’s been waiting for and she is secured within the relationship, the psychopath begins the deprivation and sabotage phase, where throughout the relationship, the psychopath, knowing the victim’s vulnerabilities well, will work to deprive her of the things that mean the most to her. From sex to birthday presents, the psychopath will never give her exactly what she wants. But whatever it is that he deprives her of, it is surely something extraordinarily meaningful and is directly tied to her vulnerabilities that he exploited in the beginning. This deprivation is extremely painful to the victim, who cannot understand what happened to her Knight in Shining Armor, who slowly appears to be her arch enemy. He deliberately sabotages her, creates reactions in her through deprivation that empowers the psychopath more. Her pain, her hurt, is his reward system. It’s during this time, after the honeymoon phase is over that the psychopath is capable of various forms of abuse, emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual. . .
Depending on how long this lasts is variable upon how long the victim will tolerate the abuse or how long before the psychopath discards her, at which time the smear campaign is in full swing. Everything about her, including her vulnerabilities, her deepest secrets shared with him, the most intimate parts of her psychology will be exploited to justify the psychopath’s devastation and harm, bringing the now survivor to her knees. Every bit of this relationship, from beginning to end is extreme.
This is how it is with psychopaths in power too. Pathological politicians exploit vulnerabilities in others, working to triangulate them so that the psychopath can justify a level of depravity that very few are privy too and this is seen with the outcome of economic injustice/inequality in this country. It matters not to the victims of this exploitation, because hate and pathological fear, religious zealousness, etc, bring forth powerful emotions that distract from the predatory exploiter and what he is really doing behind their backs. The flames of hatred, of fear, are fanned easily by politicians who, in reality do not care at all for the victims they exploit. They could care less about racism. They could care less about people in poverty. They could care less about the religious extremists and their cause, but it is interesting that these populations believe that they do. Such as it is with victims of psychopaths, for those who are full of hatred, rage and fear, are also vulnerable to those in power, and if and when they discover the level of betrayal that they’ve experienced, it will be similar to victims of psychopaths in personal relationships.
To shed some light on how this exploitation by psychopaths in power works: When Mitch McConnell said that he would make Obama a one term President, he was not looking at the color of his skin. McConnell, a predatory exploiter, was looking at prime opportunity to exploit racists in society to achieve a whole new level of power in accelerating an agenda that contained even more power, as well as more profit. ‘Follow the money’ rings so true in why government and politics, and powerful entities such as corporations, banks, wall street and assorted other wealthy individuals, will say or do anything to divide, triangulate, deprive, sabotage and scapegoat major groups in society that are already marginalized, while exploiting and appealing to pathological people in society to hate the marginalized even more. What has happened with all of this is an alarming rise in economic injustice/inequality, something that walks hand in hand with racial inequality, regressive social policy, fiscal deprivation and sabotage, while scapegoating the very victims who suffer on a daily basis because of it. Psychopaths in power have been able to enrich themselves, while we’ve looked the other way, distracted by hate and fear.
This wasn’t a spontaneous event. Both Republicans and Democrats have contributed to economic injustice/inequality over the last thirty years since ‘trickle down’ was initiated, followed by the welfare queen narrative to justify the depravity behind it. While I could go into greater detail in how pathological power and profit motive has evolved over the years, I suffer a great deal of cognitive dissonance in doing so, for the scapegoating of those in poverty, those of color, those of differing religions, those who are LGBT, those who are disabled, etc, serves a purpose for those who should be working for us, but who are more blatant and ruthless now more than ever, in their pathological desire to maintain and to get more power, more profit. Dare I say that the masks are beginning to fall off. . .
But this ‘feeling’ around me of intense hatred for various groups of people, has me feeling very much like it did when I was living in my pathological childhood home. I was the scapegoat of the family. My siblings were encouraged not to love me, but to sabotage and to abuse me. Both of my parents being pathological, I saw them as having tremendous power over me in a way that had me acutely aware of my powerlessness. Every day was a struggle for my very survival. I was denied medical care when it was more than needed. I was denied what might have been a normal sexuality had I not been exposed to pathological men who saw me as a sex object. To psychopaths, there is no discernment when it comes to sexual partners as they can be adults or they can be children. Keeping in mind that this is about power for them, I see how none of my sexual abusers cared whether it was my mother or me or someone else. We were interchangeable. I was denied hugs, kisses, nurture and love. My environment felt much like a battlefield I walked through every day, avoiding as much abuse as possible and most of the time, it wasn’t possible.
This ‘feeling’ of so much societal hatred and intense rage, has me feeling sad for so many people I care about, and those that I’ve met online who have messaged me and shared that they believe they were involved with a psychopath and that they see the lines I’ve drawn to political pathology with the exploitation of hate and fear and what is going on in society. What our politicians and our government are doing to us, tearing apart the very fabric of democracy, of a collective respect for human beings, who are objects to be utilized or are already discarded and ready for the trash heap, is outrageous to me. And just like it was at home, I feel completely powerless to do anything about it.
When I see comments about those in poverty by ‘poor haters’, when articles like the one about Mitch McConnell and food stamp recipients I feel as scapegoated and victimized as I did at home. I also feel as shamed. When I left my last psychopath, I was in a world of grief, but I knew that nothing else but therapy could help me fix what was wrong. I knew that things inside of me were messed up. I couldn’t run to another relationship again. It would just be more of the same, so when I ran away from him, looking for a therapist, I was really running to myself, even though I had no idea what that looked like at the time. When I settled into therapy, I really believed there was a chance I would leave psychopaths and psychopathy behind me. I believed, really believed, that I would have some control in my own life and that all the abuse, the shame, the guilt, would eventually leave me, shedding light on a new person, evolving slowly with therapy and keeping my feet firmly planted in reality and with the willingness to purge all of the darkness I carried for so many years. . .never in my life, did I see that what was to come, would be the most difficult challenge in my life. The years of exposure to extremes, with pathological people and pathological environments, gave way to illness, to the realization that I walked around for years undiagnosed with severe PTSD and depression.
My new life would begin with adjusting to limitations, to new realities that did not involve reaching goals and dreams that I aspired too and worked so hard for. To admit that I suffered from physical illness was something I could not avoid, but to admit that my mental health issues plagued my life in such a way that I would never be able to realize my dreams, but in fact, limited me instead, had me outraged. I was willing to work through my past, connect as many dots as I could, look squarely at myself and my own inner darkness and believing I would move on from this. But what I didn’t count on, was that all the years exposed to pathology, brought unforeseeable physical and emotional damage. Nevertheless, I took on those challenges. Doing that meant I had to adjust to a life that I was not prepared to live. I fought my illnesses, doubted for a long time that they were even real. I fought my PTSD and my Depression, I didn’t want them to hold me down from my goals and dreams, but with each battle I waged in denial against it, brought more illness, more triggers, more fear. I felt it so dreadfully unfair to have damage, when I should have a new life, free from the grip of psychopaths and my pathological environments.
Over time, my therapist taught me how to learn to accept and embrace my damage. To view it as battle scars, and that I was still alive to talk about it. I was still here in that I could help others who were hurting too. I worked hard to try to separate my damage from a life filled with psychopaths. But it was when I realized I could not work, that things began to get worse for me. The shame I was carrying merely shifted to a life of abject poverty and a hyper sensitivity to society’s pathological perspective of people like me. A level of anger at politician’s who scapegoated people in poverty, so that they could enrich and empower themselves instead. It hit me very hard when I began to see that I had not escaped psychopaths. They were still in my life, but in a different way. All the dynamics are present, but the players and circumstances are different.
What exploiters say of those in poverty is not true. “Poverty is not a character flaw, it’s a lack of money” (Barbara Eirenreich). So many people I know live in poverty or are hovering above the line, surviving check to check. The pain they suffer, the missing out of milestones in their children’s lives because they’re working two or three jobs, or working a minimum wage job for an abusive corporation, because there is little else. Or stuck in a job where wages are stagnant, yet they cannot afford to get another job, the fear of losing a job that they have now, is intense, given the current economy. College is unaffordable for my own children, let alone other families I know. And this is just a short list. . . I’ve done much research on what government has done in depriving and sabotaging people in this country over the years. Most people don’t know that draconian cuts have been made to most social programs. An $80 billion dollar cut to SNAP. $93 million cut to WIC (Women, Infants and Children-food program), millions but from Pell Grants for low income students. Some middle class pension cuts. BAD trade deals that have taken jobs overseas, with another upcoming, the TPP, that’s worse than NAFTA. With welfare reform, implemented by Bill Clinton during his Presidency, there are restrictions now on how long one can be in the program. In our state a healthy woman is required to return to work six weeks after her child is born. There are strict requirements that are in place and many do not qualify for welfare. There are less on welfare than there are on the food stamp program. There have been housing cuts, making it more difficult to help an increasing homeless population. In my county alone, there are over 4,000 homeless. Many of these people have children who are bused to schools in our area from designated areas for pick up for the homeless children. I see more and more people on the streets, holding up signs. Some of them have been well dressed in suits and dresses, asking for jobs. I have more than once, stopped and talked with the homeless. I wanted to get to know them more and what their lives were like. I deeply care for those who are impoverished, for those who have been harmed by pathological rhetoric meant to shame and hurt people in our population who need our help the very most.
None of these people in poverty are lazy, unmotivated or living high on the hog. I see many of them once a week when picking up our own food box. The lines are growing, but what I noticed about all of these people, as we stand in line and wait, we all share a common problem. We are white, black, mexican, and asian. We are Christian, Jewish, or Muslim. We are LGBT. We are adults and children and young people. And we are all living in poverty, but we all have empathy. People in poverty are some of the nicest people you’d ever like to meet. Of course there are those who aren’t so nice, but my experience is that there are more who are nice, than who are not. I see the pain on their faces as they talk about their situations. I see the anguish and the fear. And I know that they see mine. Many of us are disabled. What is uncanny is that while waiting in line, I’ve met several people who are politically involved. I’ve long since suspected that the poor know who their oppressors are, hence the constant efforts to suppress their votes. It’s not the middle class that’s being suppressed, is it? I like them even more when I discover they are voting for Bernie Sanders. A man with empathy, who is targeted by those in power as some sort of socialist, freak of nature. It’s sad to me that it feels our society has lost so much of its empathy. Or maybe it’s just pathological people tend to screech the loudest.
There is nothing at all about living in poverty that makes anyone happy. I can only speak for me and what it’s doing to me personally, with what I see as psychopaths in power, depriving me of a life of peace, of recovery. A period of time to get well. More and more social security cases are being denied, when people like me, need it the very most. The outrage in what has been done to me, regarding my case and the denials I have received, and the pathological tactics in content, is something I wish I could discuss. But because my case is ongoing, I can’t. Without financial security and good health, there isn’t much of a foundation for recovery at all. The unbelievable stress is taking a toll on my health and my mental health. It is very much like dealing with psychopaths on a daily basis, for I know they hold power over my life and there is great frustration for me, in wanting desperately to sleep at night. To have the room to rest, to recover. But most of all, to be independent. I have to rely upon the good graces of friends and occasional donations here and loans from my foster family to survive. I’ve sold just about everything that meant anything in my home. And my car right now, is on the chopping block next. I feel a constant burden of shame, because I feel such a burden to others….
Which brings me here. To my blog. I’ve avoided writing how I’ve been feeling about political psychopathy and what it’s doing to me and others in society. It’s very painful to me, when I so desperately want to let go of it.
Not too long ago, a friend of mine suggested that I set up a fee for guidance and support. I know that many survivors have done this and for those who are successful, it can potentially bring them a lot of money. I tried it for about two months. It didn’t bring much in the way of income. It was sporadic and my email from survivors noticeably slipped. I began to wonder how many were reading, needing help, but couldn’t afford it. This bothered me a great deal. How can I complain about poverty, when I know there are survivors out there who need help, some form of guidance, but can’t afford me, let alone a therapist. And I’m not a therapist! I felt I was being contradictory. I know it’s all about perspective, but I couldn’t change mine on this one. If it were me, I’d hope that someone might hear me without having to pay a ‘fee for services’. Please understand that I’m not saying this isn’t okay for others, but for me, it’s not right now. One has to believe that what they’re offering is worth something. I do believe I have something to offer, but not enough that it warranted a fee. I’m extremely sensitive to survivors who might be struggling in their lives. I want to be there for them, even if they can’t afford it, so I’ve set myself back to free status. If a survivor wishes to make a donation that is entirely up to them, and it would be appreciated, but choice is important, poverty at an all time high. No one should be denied because they cannot pay.
So if you’re struggling right now, please feel free to write to me. My email address is on the right side of the blog. But please DO remember to provide paragraph breaks. My eyesight it terrible and it’s hard to read emails without them.
This post is a ‘free write’. I’d forgotten the reasons I started this blog in the first place, which was for catharsis. I would free write a lot. Just rambling and this post is no less tonight. It just feels good to get it out. Thanks for reading..
Onward and Upward.