Why The “Love Bombing” stage Is The Most Dangerous Phase of the Psychopathic Bond

     Are you ready to feel a little validation today?

This is a post for those of you “newbies” who are struggling with the why’s of what happened to the man you thought loved you. I hope this gives you understanding as well as peace in that while you will definitely have work to do on yourselves later, there was no way you could have avoided the predator at the time he targeted you.

Target: definition: Merriam Webster-

Definition of TARGET

: a small round shield
a : a mark to shoot at b : a target marked by shots fired at it c : something or someone fired at or marked for attack d : a goal to be achieved
a : an object of ridicule or criticism b : something or someone to be affected by an action or development
a : the metallic surface (as of platinum or tungsten) upon which the stream of electrons within an X-ray tube is focused and from which the X-rays are emitted b : a body, surface, or material bombarded with nuclear particles or electrons; especially :fluorescent material on which desired visual effects are produced in electronic devices (as in radar)I like number three best: An object of ridicule or criticism. someone or something to be affected by an action or development.

to be affected by an action. Love bombing, definition- Wikipedia:

Love bombing is the deliberate show of affection or friendship by an individual or a group of people toward another individual. Critics have asserted that this action may be motivated in part by the desire to recruit, convert or otherwise influence.

As of 2005, the phrase can be used in two slightly different ways.

  • Members of the Unification Church, and perhaps members of other groups, use or have used the phrase themselves to mean a genuine expression of friendship, fellowship, interest, or concern.
  • Critics of cults use the phrase with the implication that the “love” is feigned and the practice is manipulative. “Love bombing” is often cited by critics as one of the methods used by some cults and religions to recruit and retain members. Abusers in romantic relationshipsalso do this to victims in the early stages of a relationship, showering their partners with praise, gifts, and affection.Read the definitions carefully. You see, when we break down what target and love bombing mean, it takes the romanticism right out of what happened to you and puts it square into the eyes of reality doesn’t it? 

    For this is EXACTLY what happened to you. Love bombing is the most malicious and deceitful portion of the entire relationship. It is filled with charm, lies, mirroring, feigned affection and LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX. ALL of this is strategic, you’re targeted in this way to bring you into relationship with him/her and to do it quickly. This stage is EXTREMELY important for the psychopath because it determines to him how many boundaries you willingly allow him to violate and how good of a job he can do to get you deeply hooked into a relationship, so that when the abuse starts, you will stay. The better at love bombing the psychopath, narcissist is, the harder it will be for you to escape.

    Survivors hang on for dear life at this stage. They believe that everything they are feeling and thinking that the psychopath  is doing is REAL LOVE, when it is nothing but strategic manipulativeness, deception and filled with lies. The survivor believes his declarations of “soul mate” and often sex is used early and as a weapon to bond us more to him. He douses us with his pity plays about all of his ex’s as evil bitches, or crazy. He leaves out details on purpose of he many women he  has been with, often the reasons for having been kicked out of the last relationship.

    Many women and men have died hanging onto this fallacy. If you do some studying of how cults gain the trust and loyalty of their members, you will see that the machinations that the psychopath uses to lure you into the relationship are NO DIFFERENT. What is very frightening about this, is that cult members will hang on so tightly to the pseudo love the psychopath instilled in them at the beginning, they would DIE for the leader. There are too many examples in history to show us the power of love bombing. David Koresh is one example, as was Jim Jones. While looking at it on the outside, it’s hard to fathom, right?

    But why? This is exactly what we were doing in the relationship.  Fortunately, many of us will get out,  but there are so many more who will not, as they blindly and dependently hold onto the psychopath’s  initial presentation with love bombing and feigned devotion. There is more to it than all the illusion that comes with this. Many of us are vulnerable when the psychopath happens on the scene. Many of us come from abuse backgrounds and psychopaths know it. Even loneliness can make you a target, but generally speaking there is more going on within us, that makes it open season for the psychopath to infiltrate our lives.

    The better at love boming the psychopath is, the harder it will be to let go. The harder the victims will work to get back to “that place” again with him, never understanding that it never existed to begin with. They endure more and more abuse for a chance to relive those first few weeks, months or years in the relationship. He counts on it. Many psychopaths that do this, will lead you up to the moment in which you wish for a commitment, only to turn around and leave the relationship, cheat or play the push/pull game with you, BUT, just as many psychopaths are also wish to race you to the altar so that he can then get from you what he wants, money, sex, trophy wife. A piece of paper with a psychopath on the speedway of love is NOT looking for a “commitment”. For the disordered, this word has no meaning.

    When you are out of the relationship,  the love bombing the psychopath has done will be the greatest force with your cognitive dissonance, your obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Your thoughts will not go immediately to the bad, it will go to THAT stage in the beginning when he was so NICE and LOVING and GIVING to you…it will not take into account the abuse. It will feel very much like an uncontrollable, addictive pull. The addictive pull is related to the confusion regarding the love bombing he has done, and the abuse he committed afterward. Which one is the man you got into the relationship with? People fail to understand that the abuse didn’t begin with the first WTF moment or evil act. It started at the very beginning with manipulative deception.

    The love bombing/honeymoon stage sets up the dynamic for you to take the abuse when the mask slips. It’s purposeful application will create the cognitive dissonance during the abuse phases of the relationship. He will make good use of this during the relationship to draw you back in when you begin to figure him out.

    If you are to learn about anything right now, in educating yourself about the psychopath/narcissist, educate yourself A LOT about this behavior. Write it all out in a journal, all the things he did in the beginning, ALL of it. Put it away. Wait awhile and review it. See if you see something differently as you educate yourself further. You may find that there were red flags glaring that you missed but that you surely will not miss next time. Particularly as you work on yourself and your vulnerabilities that made you prey to such a predator in the first place. You will probably see heavy moments of manipulations, even his deceit and lies as they didn’t add up in the long run.

    In writing out what are your particulars in how he love bombed you, honeymooned you, think about what it was you believed you were getting, what YOU THOUGHT it would take care of inside of you that might have been missing in you. What parts of your psychology did he exploit?

    Know that his targeting of you was not your fault and as deceptive and cunning and strategic as he was, you simply could not have known. It was before your AWARENESS.

    But now that you are out, you can begin to work on yourself, to remove obstacles in your life that will help you heal and never allow this into your life again. You are one of the lucky ones.

    You’re no longer living in an illusion.


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35 Responses to Why The “Love Bombing” stage Is The Most Dangerous Phase of the Psychopathic Bond

  1. Harper says:

    Good morning… Although your tremendously helpful post is directed to new survivors, I can read the words you have written hundreds of times and still, they are validating and helpful reminders. I hope that this is an appropriate thread to express something that I have just experienced.

    I want to share the following, not only to release, as I am experiencing vast trigger symptoms at this time, but mainly would like to help others, if I can, to try to avoid what has just happened to me. Yesterday, I had my first appointment with a therapist that works with trauma survivors. I was looking for someone that understands the depths of relationships with Cluster B’s as well as the possibility of doing EMDR, however the EMDR has not been as crucial in terms of chosing a therapist, as is the therapists knowledge, understanding and empathy regarding survival of slimage by P/S/N’s. Anyway, my first experience with the therapist I went to yesterday was “right” for me. She asked me if I could tell her what brought me to her and what I had experienced. I started at the beginning, sometimes mentioning details, veering off in a sideways direction, going backwards, then forwards again. She allowed me to express myself, just as I was…as “I am”. A couple of times she asked me very simple questions, for her own personal clarity about what I had been describing, which gave me a deep sense of her interest in what I had been explaining, as well as her potential for concern for me. Her disposition was very similar to my old therapist, Zach, who did not possess a whole lot of “trauma” experience, but was the most empathetic creature you could ever imagine, at a time in my recovery (from the very beginning through the first four months).

    All I was able to do for those first four months was cry…and purge…and cry and cry. I spent a lot of money, to go cry in therapist’s office. But he quickly became my rock. My friend. The person I could trust more than anyone. He made me feel safe, even when I wasn’t in his presence. What he was able to give to me was in fact a very large part of what I had needed at that time, in terms of therapy. I got to a place where I began to grow, and he would be moving on, to do a fellowship somewhere else. After Zach, I thought that I could manage the remainder of my recovery through reading and blogging, but I wound up having been slimed for a second time, and in turn, I knew that it was important that once and for all, I find a therapist that worked specifically with survivors of trauma, which has lead me to where I am today.

    Getting back to the therapist that I saw for the first time, yesterday…
    I felt that she treated me with much respect. She was kind, compassionate and allowed me to be right where I am, with what I had expressed, my thoughts, my perceptions, my emotions, or no emotion. She was non judgemental and did not make me feel as though I was being analyzed. She understood the depths of my perceptions and when I was reaching for words or a way to describe something, she gently “asked” me if it were this or that, and she was correct each time. In addition, she smiled and was relaxed, yet confident and emotionally intellegent. She has true depth. I felt a good connection. She just happens to do EMDR, and I am glad about that, however there is no rush.

    I had one other therapist who I had scheduled an appointment with. I went to the apointment, this morning. Both she, and therapist I saw yesterday are on a list that was provided to me, by Blue Cross. It has taken me several weeks to weed through them, talk on phone, get to a point where I thought any of them seemed ok enough, at least by phone, to try them out in person. Now I realize that I should have possibly dug deeper with questions that could lead me to find out their perceptions on how survivors become victimized by “masked” men/women. Ugh….I was analyzed and “told” why I “get involved with these sorts of relationships”, as if I knew what I was getting myself into. As if this man (P #1) who treated me like a queen, set up shop in a fake home (that had actually belonged to an aquaintance of his), with all the trimmings, photos of him tossing his daughter in the air, preparing gorgeous meals for us, taking me on lovely hikes, trips up the coast and professing his undying love for me, bla bla bla… and I should work with this therapist to figure out why I choose to get involved with this sort of person. Lolololol…Ugh.

    Well, my point is this. This theripist that I went to today set me back, at bit. I am sure just for today, but still…today is now a wash, due to unnecessary trigger by an unexperienced or unknowledgable therapist. Be dilligent! Investigate what they know about Cluster B personality disorders and those who have been victimized. What saves me today is the knowledge I have, and reading Dr. Bob Hare’s statements regarding the fact that he still, on occasion, will come accross P’s, inparticularly students of his, at the University where he is a Psych Professor, who are able to dupe him. Ugh, such destructive entities. Thank you! Love, H ~

    • (((((( Harper )))))) UGH! I’m sooooo sorry and even sorrier that I was unavailable to you earlier today when you texted. Forgive me!

      ….so, you like the therapist that you had first, is that accurate? I’m so sorry about your second experience, the first therapist sounds like a gem! Are you going to return to therapist one? I ask more to get clarity here because I got a little lost with why it was you continued when you liked the first one so much.
      Diligence DOES pay off, Harper. Mine does know about the disorders and has worked with them. It is INVALUABLE knowledge to have, IN MY OPINION. Having said that, equally as wonderful is to stumble upon a therapist who has lots of compassion and empathy, but will also share their perspectives honestly with you. In other words, someone who doesn’t bullshit you. Even if they DON’T know much about the disorders, if anything at all, if they are willing to learn this is a HUGE plus. They can still be just as valuable. The first therapist I went to was good. I liked him, BUT we had a disagreement about the disorders and it clearly wasn’t going to work because he believed that some with ASPD could be “cured”. He was very compassionate and had great humor, a great listener, but we wound up spending sessions disagreeing more about the disorders then we did about the experience, lol! UGH! That sucked. But while I had great respect for him, he was moving on to his own private practice and subsequently, I would be moving onto therapist two who was like spending time with a new age guru without the candles, crystals and chants. I half expected her to offer massage/aroma therapy to go with the dimwitted intelligence this person had. It creeped me out.

      Harper…your judgment and discernment about others and what’s right for you, is amazing given that you were targeted by two P’s within an eighteen month time period. That’s a lot of trauma in a short period of time. I do think P2 was the worst, and we’ve discussed at length why. Your P2 was amazingly similar to my P2 with the stealth, strategic emotional and psychological abuse. They hid well. Emotional predators are the worst, Harper and I do believe they do the most damage. Because of this, I think a trauma therapist IS an excellent idea, and a good one that does EMDR isn’t going to use it with you right away because it takes time to get to know you and your trauma. Forgive me if I assume, but knowing you as I do, we seem to be of those who benefit by talk therapy best. This may be what works better for you than the EMDR. We are “processors”, and talking it through and PROCESSING it is where it’s at. Please try not to be too discouraged by what happened with therapist 2. Any therapist that suggests, implies or directly states that abuse is YOUR fault in any way should not be engaging with survivors AT ALL, let alone qualify themselves as therapists. I realize that’s a strong opinion, but therapists can also do extensive damage in re-victimizing. I keep in mind that psychology is perfect feeding ground for therapists who are pathological and there are a few. Anywhere that there is a victim, is a place for potential exploitation in a helping profession. Remember, my P2 is in a “helping” profession and hundreds of VULNERABLE clients are still exposed to him, not knowing a damned thing.

      Your sharing is helpful and I appreciate it very much, Harper. I hope you return to therapist 1. It sounds like that could be of enormous benefit to you!


  2. Harper says:

    Thank you so much! I’m going backwards, in addressing your reply, staements. Yes, I think you are right about some therapists being disordered because today, as I was leaving she said goodbye and smiled only with her mouth, not her eyes, which is a recorderd trait of female P’s. She said this: ” From what I am hearing, you seem to have had a lot of loss, yet I don’t see any emotion coming from you”. All of the reading that you have done is good, but what did you do with your last therapist?” We need to go back and find out why you are CHOSING to get into these types of relationships”. uMMM…can you say “DUPED”? My gosh. It was her approach. Her obvious lack of knowledge about predator’s M.O.’s, BS Lovebombing tactics, etc, etc. Plus, how does she know whether or not I have done therapy, prior to P slimage, which I had, off and on through my life for isolated stuff, bla bla bla. She never asked me that question, and seemed to have based her approach on an assumption that I had no knowledge of how I wound up shaped as I am. I normally am not so affected by this type of behavior, even if it involves another’s opinion of me, however, I am still in a bit of a vulnerable way, and cannot be accused of making inaccurate choices for myself, when my choices were based on the fraudulent persona of a Psychopath…My Lord! You know? Sheesh, I am telling you….

    My apologies for the lack of clarity. I was a bit of a mental mess when I had written, earlier. Yes, you are correct. I AM going to persue therapy with therapist #1, whom I saw, yesterday. I went to the appointment that I had scheduled today (with therapist #2), just to be sure about who may be the best match for me, however, #2 had not only turned out to be the less desired, she also did a bit of a number on my Psyche (just temporarily, of course, but still put me into a spin). Anyway, that’s that. All good now! Onward and Upward, and thank you for your most validating and healing words of wisdom, as always! Love, H~ X0

  3. wow….today I have been guided to pages such as this in my quest for healing and understanding. Trying to understand how a man can tell you he loves you one day and then the next be stone cold with you. Trying to understand how a man that I had thought was a spiritual teacher was no more than a serial cheater, liar and emotional abusive man. God has guided me and I am beginning to get the answers that are explaining why I still have pain and why I hurt. Thank you…..

  4. Gina says:

    I was love bombed in my previous relationship. I met this man online and he aggressively pursued me from day one. I had initially declined his advances (but foolish lushly listened to a girlfriend who said that I was overreacting. For four of the seven months that we were together, he treated me like gold. The last three months he began to show his true colors. I thought that there was something wrong with me and sought counseling. I soon learned what I was dealing with and emotionally drained, I eventually broke up with him. I look back and see red flags slapping me in the face. I now recognize the signs of this type of individual and listen to my gut instincts. Thank you very much for your blog.

  5. Pingback: Svengalis, Love Bombing, Hypnotism, and Narcissists | Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

  6. Pingback: Svengalis, Love Bombing, Hypnotism, and Narcissists | Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

  7. Judah says:

    I was love bombed and persued relentlessly. Ended up in an 8 month long relationship where I was given the silent treatment twice and discarded callously simply because I told him what to do (not to punch his room mate in the face) and it took me 10 days to even get that outta him. Meanwhile, my entire life was turned upside down as I was preparing to move to his home state. I also found out he was persuing other targets. It’s painful to know it was a game and all the promises he made were never going to come.

    I became so furious one night I called him out publicly and listed out everything he did to me. I know he was seething over that. Why do I still have the feeling he’ll be back even though I told him not to? Is it just me?

    • Judah,

      Thank you for sharing your story, an all too familiar one, unfortunately…

      I can’t assume why you have that feeling, Judah, even though it’s a familiar one too. I can share with you from personal experience and what that feeling meant for me though: I wanted him to try to come back. I wanted his validation. They manage to exploit us to the point of emotional dependence, it’s why survivors have such a hard time letting go. It’s very confusing to know who they are, want to let go, but this immense ‘pull’ to them…that’s the dependence piece, that’s the addiction to them.

      So, when survivors share something like what you’ve shared, inevitably, we get to the bottom line in that the survivor wishes secretly that he will keep trying. Most psychopaths will stalk. Some will for years, but that’s rare. Most of them stalk for several weeks or months out of the relationship. It’s different if you’re an ex and have children with him. At that point, it’s about more torture. He has a ‘reason’ in his mind to continue to cause pain and wreak havoc. Divorce and separation and custody issues are the psychopaths favorite kind of drama.

      So if you don’t share children, which it sounds like you don’t, were about to move in with him, but he didn’t follow through, you found out about his endless cheating (they ALL do this, all of them do), then what really happened is that you dodged a MAJOR bullet. MAJOR.

      I understand that it doesn’t feel that way at first, but later on while reflecting and your further out from it, you’ll see just how truly fortunate you are that you ‘caught’ him in his behaviors.

      He might well try to come back. But it’s always good with a disordered one to understand WHY they are. They bait you, they manipulate, and just as with everything else, it’s just to see if he can gain power over you, if he can still reel you in. You are one of his targets and you are definitely not alone, Judah.

      Psychopaths know when you are addicted to them. So when he attempts to come back, it’s a ‘test’ to see just how addicted you really are. When he decides that you’re still addicted, he leaves again.

      They love playing this game with their victims.

      Hang in there, Judah. it does get better, that I can promise you! *hugs*

      • Judah says:

        Omg, thank you for your insight. You don’t know how much it means to me. I have no one to talk to about this. To have found this site and your knowledge is a relief. It’s made me emotional lol.

        You’re right, I do wish he’d try for that validation and my own addiction to him, on the other hand I hope he doesn’t so I can be free. I have never been so low in my life ad when he discarded me and I hate him for that. I’m ashamed I was suckered. Early on I knew, while being love bombed, that it was over the top, but figured he was trying to impress me. I also knew when the 2nd round of ST was coming. I could see it and feel it 2 weeks before, but he always assured me everything was fine. He told me several times I was paranoid, stressed out and my favorite: “just because you feel something’s wrong doesn’t mean it is”. Then wham! Silence. I also knew he was he was involved with others before I had any shred of evidence.

        I feel so stupid.

        Thank you again :) *hugs*

      • Judah,

        It’s common for us to feel shame and even guilt for slappin down our ‘spidey senses’ when what we are feeling is actually our warning systems going off.

        Just like animals in the wild can sense when a predator is nearby, so can humans with human predators. When you look upon it from that perspective it can sometimes be very helpful.

        Very few survivors are what I would perceive to be stupid. Those perceived that way turned out to be pathological. Pathological people can appear to have a reasonable amount of intelligence, but have the emotional capacity of a 12 year old. That’s what psychopaths and narcissists are: “fossilized’ at an early age. They never grow up.

        Truthfully, it’s our egos that are wounded too. Hence the shame of it all. Partly why we are more inclined to blame the abuser, rather than do a self check and analysis as to why we allowed a predator into our lives. It’s humiliating to our egos to admit we got totally duped.

        I hope you can find peace in all of this, Judah, in that his predatory NATURE is not your fault. They do this to everyone in their lives. Just like a snake cannot change its nature to bite, neither can a psychopath change his nature to harm.

        So your job is not just to understand that he was a predator and educate yourself about the disorders, but more so what vulnerabilities did you have that he was allowed into your life? Loneliness? Loss? Boredom? Do you have any past trauma? Abandonment, guilt or shame issues?

        Only you can say, but it really is worthwhile to investigate.

        Bless your heart. I’m really glad you found us, but I’m so sorry for the reasons why.


  8. Judah says:

    Thank you for the advice. You’re absolutely right. I do need to sort myself. Truth be told, I don’t know where to begin. Oddly enough, I spent a lot of time with his mom. She let on to me he treats her the same way. This was before it started with me.

    He treated me like a queen. Never even raised his voice to me or showed anger, but looking back he didn’t have to. Many red flags were there. The only friends I ever met were his room mates. He wouldn’t introduce me to others.

    We ran into one at a store and the friend was asking about me, “is this (my name) the girl you obsessed over in Afghanistan? (He was there 5 months). He was clearly annoyed and was forced to do a formal intro.

    Made tons of plans to get married, get a place, start a business, etc. All down the tubes. The first time he gave me the ST was after I miscarried. I was heartbroken and he said he was too. I guess that was a lie as well. He apologized 2 weeks later and I took him back. He said he didn’t know why he did it. I was love bombed again until this last time and I began connecting the dots.

    My ego is hurt. I’m a professional woman. I know my vulnerabilities that set me up, but I prided myself on being rational and careful. Yet, here I am…

    Sorry to unload a bit. I’m kind of in this alone. Just glad to have found somewhere for answers and guidance.

    • “I”m a professional woman.I know my vulnerabilities that set me up, but I prided myself on being rational and careful”.

      And that’s exactly what he exploited in you, Judah. They stroke your ego. That’s how they get their foot in the door. A psychopath would never have a victim if his behaviors were abusive.

      With as fast as he zeroed in and swept you off your feet, did you consider this to be rational and careful? I’m positive he said and did all the right things to exploit this belief in you so that he appeared as ‘safe’ and ‘trustworthy’.

      But it wasn’t your only vulnerabilities. Brilliant women get ‘spathed’ all the time.

      You see, whatever pride you have, whatever you think of yourself, those things are very superficial. Anyone can work as a ‘professional’ anyone can think they’re being ‘rational and careful’…but a psychopath sees that for what it is. Superificial, because in reality vulnerabilites go WAAAAY deeper than that. The psychopath reaches into your SOUL and turns on the sucking machine…

      Ask yourself what your deepest vulnerabilities were.When you find the answers, the reasons he was after you,will make a lot more sense.

      Sometimes women pride themselves on being professionals, ie: I would never attracted an asshole because of how successful, educated and bright I am. But that’s a mistake,because again all those things are superficial reflections, TINY pieces of you. But the psychopath DOES get those things because he/she IS superficial.

      It’s not about being stupid or smart, honey. Many women who were stay at home mom’s, married, widowed, single Mom’s, professional or not, got duped. You could have a genius IQ and he still would have got you.

      SOME psychopaths like the challenge of women who give the impression that they’re strong in the ways you’ve described. It’s much more fun and challenging to screw up a successful woman’s life and destroy her. I’ve seen that all too many times too

      Give it some thought. I’m here if you need.:)

  9. Judah says:

    I know you’re right. I will give it thought. Thank you, truly…

  10. Judah says:

    I sent an email :)

  11. Judah says:

    No problem at all. Thanks :)

  12. nora says:

    I have been in a relationship with who I believe is a sociopath for almost two years now. In the beginning he did love bomb and this is what reeled me in. I moved in with him quickly having already had a two year old from a previous relationship(who he pretended to have loved as well) before I knew it I began to see something was a bit off. I got pregnant by him within a couple months. During the pregnancy we fought a lot I caught him texting other females as well as my own sister which was always apologized for and blamed on being drunk or on drugs. I would leave him he would go beg me crying to take him back. To try to move on with the story I did leave him 2 weeks after our son together was born.because he was physically violent and he was arrested. I moved an hour away with family who I thought would be supportive but we’re not. Slowly he began to work his way back in. His mother who I also feel is a psychopath began to want to see the baby and wanting to know where I was living. I being under stress and unable to think clearly would allow her to see the baby and let him see the baby as well. After awhile me and the father begin communicating he of said he would change he was sorry abd wanted us to be a family etc. I would take him back then realize he began doing the same things he said he wouldn’t do. This was all while I was still living with family an hour away. Eventually when I started to not want to let them see the baby him and his mother began to get back at me. They ended up managing to convince my family I was getting support from that I was a bad mother and they eventually kicked me out leaving me homeless. I got tired if living house to house and I know this is stupid but a couple months ago I got back with the psychopath and now live with him. I am happy me and the kids have a home but I’m not happy with him. I can’t say I’m in love with him due to the fact I’m only with him because me and the kids needed some stability. I did want to do the right thing and make it work for our son but I know that is impossible to do now.the good thing is he allows my mother to stay with me because he works nights.. but the truth is I do feel trapped. I don’t want to live like this no more. A couple weeks ago he started accusing me of cheating with guys in the apartment complex which is not true. He is always accusing me of something or complaining about something I’m not doing right. I honestly believe he is the one cheating with a female in the apartment complex and I’m starting to see that everything he accuses me of he is actually doing.. the other day while the kids were gone I thought we were gonna have a couple drinks and watch movies as we do on his days off. Thinking this was gonna be a drama free night out becomes the exact opposite. He begins accusing me of cheating again demanding to see my phone out of no where (the day before he promised to quit accusing me of cheating) me being drained from fighting all week proceed to leave the room and he basically used physical force to hold me down. I hit and scream to get away he of course being stronger manages to hold me down then when I begin to scream he puts his hands over my face. I manage to get to the kids room where I try to sleep. He takes my phone away knowing I can call the police. Even though I wanna run out the door I don’t cuz he is always ahead of me no matter what. The next day he gives me back my phone and I call my mom crying she knows my situation but being old and poor she really can’t do nothing but give me advice and help with the kids. He takes off all the while calling me and apologizing saying he won’t do it again. I have bruises on my arms and lip from the fight. But here I am still with him. What does he do? He says he is sorry and won’t do it again everything I’ve heard since the beggining.. I told him he needs to get help and I demanded he made an appointment to a mental facuilty near by. I called for him and they set up a day a month from now. After doing research I come to realize as I mentioned that he has a the characteristics of a sociopath. This being said he can’t be cured and even so I honestly no longer want to be in this relationship. How do I deal with him for the time being? How can I get someone like him to leave me alone. I almost wish he moved I to a new target just so he would let me go. When I see him in his rage I realize that’s the real him. He tells me a hundred times a day he loves me yet till this day has displayed any genuine act of love. I question what he is capable of and the truth is possibly murder… I feel very foolish for taking him back. I know my story probably doesn’t make any sense but I am hoping someone can help me figure out the steps I need to take in order to deal with someone like him. I am almost embarrassed to call the cops since I took him back the last time he got physically violent with me. He threatens to call cps on me if I leave him. He also had threatened to flatten my tires and break my Windows in my car if I ever call the cops. I have so much anger towards him for everything. Especially now that I know nothing he says is true. Like him being faith full I know deep down inside he isn’t even though he makes it look like he just goes to work and comes home and I’m the bad one. Plz give me some info on how to get out and stay out.

    • Nora,

      In your situation, the only advice I could possibly give you at this point is this: GET. OUT.

      Telling someone like this they’re a sociopath or insisting they change or get help, is very dangerous. If he believes his mask is off, there is no reason NOT To hurt you further. Your children are in danger as well and it’s become obvious to you that this situation is extremely traumatic for them too.

      Nora, there are many survivors who have taken their children, left and never returned. There are domestic violence shelters all across the US. I do not know where you are, or if you’re in the states or not, but locate one. Even if you must show up at their door, GO.

      I do not mean for this to sound harsh, Nora, but I’ll be straight up with you: You are responsible for your children. No matter what is going on with him, or what you’re feeling right now, the children are exposed not only to a dangerous sociopath but a very, very traumatic situation. There really isn’t ‘time’ to feel embarrassed. Not when it comes to them. They are the first priority and it’s your job to make sure they are SAFE and it’s clear that this man is anything but.

      My advice to you is very simple here and take it from someone who was married to a violent psychopath: Get out as soon as you possibly can. I know survivors who have taken themselves and their children with just the clothes on their backs to get to safety. A domestic violence shelter will help you do that. Telling him he’s a sociopath or insisting he gets help or trying to make yourself believe anything other than exactly what he is and what you’re seeing is very dangerous. Psychopaths do not react well to being ‘outed’.

      Right now, think of the children. Once you remove THEM and yourself, you’ll be able to get the space to think clearly. My suggestion to you would be to say absolutely nothing to him, do your best to put your anger and other emotions on hold regarding him and what he’s doing. DO NOT tell him he’s a sociopath anymore or anything remotely related. Choose a day, SOON, while he’s at work, to get a few things and get yourself AND YOUR CHILDREN, to safety. Staying is playing with fire, Nora. I made the mistake of telling my ex violent husband that I was leaving. BIG mistake. In retrospect for safety reasons, I would have said nothing, found a safe place to be immediately and removed myself and my children. In hindsight (which is always 20/20 right?) I think I told him what I was doing to manipulate him to do what I wanted, which was to change and he was incapable of it. Very dangerous on my part when it was way way past the moment of opportunity to bail.

      When survivors want out, Nora, they find a way. Think about how you’re going to find yours if you’re serious about getting out. Peace….

  13. Judah says:

    *Deep breath* so after 2 months of being ignored, my ex started keeping tabs on me. I Ignored it. Then he texts me and gushed out in several subsequent texts that he was out of the army and his life was so much better now. He basically blamed his bad behavior toward me on extreme pressure and stress and apologized.

    I was shocked at the immediate spiral I went into emotionally and mentally.

    He didn’t really respond to my texts, it was all about him and how happy he is now and it all came rapid fire. He even threw in that he knows a few people that have used the silent treatment (ie. His mother, sister and father) and they’re not bad. Even called himself a coward and how it was foreign to him abd didn’t know where it came from. Then he went silent again.

    A few days later I text him and asked, “why didn’t you tell me how bad things were?”

    I was surprised he even responded, “where is this coming from?” Which struct me as irritation. I said I was just curious. He said, “it was hard for me to talk about anything at that point”.

    I’m more confused than anything. What was the point of all of it? I’m back to being angry. I responded that I was blocking him on my phone and he never replied.

    Sorry to have made this so long, but I’m not sure what he’s trying to accomplish. It was so random…

    • Judah,

      that is SO TYPICAL SPATH behavior!! Right down to what he said, I sweat to God they all read the SAME manual.
      What that was, honey, was BAIT. He baited you, simply to see if you would respond. The enjoy this game in particular, waiting to see if you respond and are ‘thinking’ about them. IGNORING them increases their ‘baiting’ for awhile, but where survivors get thrown off is in believing that this ‘means’ something….that their ex might want them back, might want to rekindle an old flame, may want to ask forgiveness and come running back….NOPE. It’s just bait….

      Sometimes, if they’re in between victims, they’ll do more, entice you back to the relationship, to turn around and dump you again when another victim becomes a viable target.

      I know it’s very difficult to understand. It takes awhile of being away from them to learn how to TRY to ‘think’ like they do. Thank God that’s not really possible, but everything they say and do is a game. They have a great time causing pain. It’s about power.

      I suggest to survivors just out and ‘hoping he/she’ will call or come over or want to come back, to work really hard on seeing their ex’s as a predator. When the phone rings, switch the focus from, “OMG, HE/SHE wants me!” to “OMG! This is BAIT and if I answer that phone, he/she will think he’s’ won/has control over me again and WILL hurt me”

      It does happen Judah. It just takes time. It also takes a lot of courage, to the paradigm shift that is needed in understanding that A. this person is a predator, and B. this is an ADDICTION.

      The further out you are from the relationship, the more you will see.

      I know it’s discouraging and frustrating when they pull this crap, but just for future reference, remember what happens when you answer. that phone call, that email, that text…he is doing it to hurt you. To find out if he still has control, has POWER in your life. You are now among the many emotional carcasses he has left behind.

      JUst say NO…hang in there…

      • Judah says:

        Thank you for the clarity of this mess. I get it now. I was surprised knowing he was checking up on me for about 2 weeks then suddenly appears like a genie. Still, I know he’ll be back again. Thanks for the advice. I will do that. It’s so hard cause I am addicted, but it has to be done. I know that without a doubt now. I went into instant spiral and it’s as if all the work I had done on myself without him, has come undone. Now I’m back in the withdrawal stage. What a mess…

      • Judah,

        It’s okay. We’ve all BEEN there….you’re doing well in seeing it as an addiction and something that must be done for your well being. As you get further out and away, this will become VERY clear to you…be kind, gentle and compassionate with yourself now…

  14. indipixi says:

    I’m not sure, but I think I’ve just been love bombed.

    Im 5 weeks deep into a relationship. Met him on the internet, I wasn’t actually interested in him romantically but wanted to know more about his job so I agreed to meet him for coffee. When we met in person he spent the whole time staring at me attentively and making affirming positive statements. In person he was very personable and handsome and even though I was dating someone else we had an instant rapport. Within 2 hours of meeting me he had set me up to meet a business mentor and I was surprised and flattered by his networking and the offer he was making me.
    We met again the next day for dinner impromptu which he paid for and again 2 days later he ended up at my mothers home dazzling everyone with his charm and coffee and chocolates. I was so drawn in by his constant attention and he kissed me goodbye on the mouth and stared in my eyes like we were some kind of lost souls. he text bombed me all these amazing words and told me where he lived and how I was always welcome in his home and how he would wait for me if I wasn’t sure. I was so compelled by him I drove the 50 minutes to his house where I was greeted by candlelit stairs and he undressed me and made love to me. Bear in mind… its been 4 days.
    the rest of the month went by like a dream, a knight in shining armour every ready to regale me with how he wanted me to be his person, and was I real and he couldn’t beleive he had me etc etc etc. taking me for dinners, lunches, buying me presents.
    then the stories about the exes. all of them crazy. incl the mother of his child.a lot of detail about being subject to crazy female behaviors, I didn’t even see this potential red flag. Sometimes he couldn’t remember details (precise age of stepdaughter he raised for 4 years), the first week in we had a ‘scare’ in which he alleged (no actual proof this ever happened) that a woman he had a one night stand with had showed up claiming she was pregnant. How he was so sorry this happened (even though I didn’t even know him at the time) and how he just wanted to talk to me and called me his BFF (after a week). Then she wasn’t pregnant and was making it up (5 negative tests). what? If Im to be cynical this was to set me to see if I would leave him, and test my loyalty.
    He came with me to meet my best friend in another town, let me care for his child, loaned me his car, met my children, did all these family oriented things together.
    Sexually things were going off like rockets but very quickly he became fascinated with the idea of me being with a woman in a threesome, got us a hotel room and then dropped into the conversation that he had been naughty and asked a woman he knew if she would join us. I told him I was very uncomfortable with this but aquiesced. But by the next day with no explanation it was all off, he wouldn’t explain why, and distracted me with talk about taking me for dinner and marriage and babies. I introduced him to my extended family the next day which was a big deal for me, and we spent the rest of the long weekend at his home by the beach with my teen sons and had a wonderful time.
    But on the morning we were due to leave his demeanor changed by the time we packed the car, he was noticeably cooler. it has been 4 weeks at this point. He dropped my sons and I home but wouldn’t call in (had a flight to catch but not for an hour and a half and Im 13 minutes from the airport). I can’t say why but he was different. when I pulled a sad face he was leaving he sharply said ‘Im only going to work!’ it seemed out of character.
    within 24 hours his entire patter had changed. no texts, sounding strained, and where he was previously open to all contact suddenly didn’t want me driving to his house at night, even though I’d been doing it previous. Said he was too tired to catch up and I felt he was being avoidant. I had a freak out (previously abused by Narc. step parent and BPD ex BF) and cried in front of him and his avoidance got worse and worse and worse over the coming days. He wouldn’t see me in the weekend, avoided questions about seeing him and his son for lunch, huge delays between text responses where before he was text bombing me all the time.
    Yesterday morning I was extremely hypervigillant and after texting good morning? he replied with a long rant about how I was being OTT and needy and he wanted someone who was making space for quality in their life and I was pushing him away and hurting him with these highs and lows. I was absolutely confused by what he was saying and assumed the grovel position and asked him if he was breaking up with me. he wouldn’t answer his phone when I rang and when I asked if he was speak to me he said he needed a few days to think about it (silent treatment). I told him I loved him and that I would wait. its been nearly 48 hours.
    I got into a conversation with someone tonight and went OMG did I just get love bombed? he transitioned from doting to distant incredibly quickly and his rationale for why (that I wasn’t the same person he’d met and I was a needy person -even though I told him I was having a hard bout of PMS)made absolutely no sense. My family are perplexed, I am perplexed and Im starting to think Im dealing with a lying disordered person. Am I overreacting? or is there the hallmarks of something here?

    • mal says:

      Indipixi, this is textbook. Everything you’ve said is classic P behaviour. Get out, now. Anyone who builds you up quickly like this only to drop you with no explanation is doing it to hurt you, and to get off on the idea that he was powerful enough to do this to you without you seeing it coming.

      Can you see how he’s already got you in state where you’re questioning your own judgment – even though you’re clearly a very intelligent and perceptive woman? The “grovel position”, as you put it, is exactly what this sick game is all about. You absolutely are dealing with a lying disordered person. It sounds like you’re not yet too far in, so leaving might not be as hard as it is for some people. The fact that the P has progressed this far so quickly (pretending to arrange a threesome within a couple of weeks of dating? without even asking you first?) makes me worry a little bit that this is one of the less camoflaged and more dangerous ones…

  15. rinku says:

    Red flags were there all along, even in the first meet….my mind read it as confusion, something amiss, but his “good” behaviour overshadowed my thoughts because primarily l like to trust, believe in love and in general goodness of people.
    I remember myself struggling for four years how could i set it straight like before, but the realization that every step i make to retrieve it leads to further abuse, i backed off. However i dont have the strength myself and constantly seek validation from people who remind me hes not worth it, spirituality helps me distance my emotions and give meaning to all abuse that is happening to me. Else i was stuck with i didnt deserve this all over again. Only psychological understanding failed to make sense of it all.
    I still struggle with my child who didnt deserve this….and the fact that i have spent better part of my life cleaning narc shit …..whereas i could have been so much more successful, happy and explored my self more. They are such complete waste that whoever remains in their company will decay.
    Coming to love bombarding…..sex played a crucial role in my relationship. I now see and understand why he needed to keep scores on how fast and often he could make me orgasm. How conviniently he broke my career boundaries where id never let anyone decide how i should proceed from a young age ….eleven…..i knew exactly what i wanted to become.
    When i reinstated these boundaries, his mask fell off. Ive known myself as a pretty strong headed decisive person, he went after just that…..almost succeeded in breaking me. I am a loving and caring person and am proud of my parenting skills and my child…..he attacked that first.
    I blamed myself for letting him interfere in my relations with my child….wondered how i let him break boundaries while i whined….i knew he was in the wrong, but gave excuses for his behaviour…..while my 6 year old saw through his fascade and stood her ground all by herself, at times terribly hurt and confused why i was allowing him to do this to us both. She started no contact at age 12 and gave me support that she was willing to face any consequences but will not break this…..im so glad she did this ….now i can see him in clear light for who he is

  16. Angel says:

    Very validating & fascinating. Thank you.

  17. Cecilia A Sparks says:

    I was one of those “love bombed” and “victim bombed” persons who was quickly set up to be bilked of my parents and my finances. The wife, before I came along, went through everything you described above. She saw the mask drop as her life became a living hell. She died in January of this year after another bout with cancer, no doubt exacerbated by the road of debt and bankruptcy he led her down. I, on the other hand, did not see the mask drop, as I hadn’t given him a “no” he didn’t have an alternative to. I left my home and stayed at my parents’ house as soon as I told him I couldn’t commit to him because he was living way beyond his means. Since I did not stay around to see his subsequent reactions to my most precious “no,” I still wasn’t aware I was dealing with a covert narcissist/psychopath until a year and a half later in court, when I sued him to try to get some of the loans back. I don’t know why I ever thought placing your hands on the Bible and swearing to tell the truth was going to be important to a man who revealed himself at the moment of testifying to be a pathological liar. I am now 144 days still waiting for a judge’s decision in a court case manipulated by a man with no conscience, who concocted a story that used business precedent to say I masterminded a plot to pour money into his failing business to keep it afloat so I could purchase his home–attached to his business by a business loan–in a foreclosure. It’s ludicrous to think such, but who knows what a judge believes, when the victim is disarmed, upset, and cut off in rebuttal, the evidence left sitting on the table and not seen by the judge, who incidentally listened to everything the perp had to say, but very little of what I had to say. His lawyer purposely set up the case so I couldn’t expose him.

    • Cecilia,

      Thank you for sharing. Ah yes, the psychopaths helping other psychopaths. So heartwarming. I’m being sarcastic here.

      It was Sandra Brown M.A. who said that the legal system is tilted in favor of the psychopath. I do believe this is absolutely true. I’m not surprised that lawyers are drawn to this occupation as there seems to be a high population of psychopaths in this field. Not all are psychopaths, but more then I’ve seen in other professions. For the ‘successful’ psychopath, a highly narcissistic psychopath, would do well in a profession like this, where there are many vulnerable victims, not only to exploit, but also to create.

      Thanks for sharing your story. I hope that the case comes out in your favor and would love to hear how it turns out for you if you are comfortable sharing.

      Best wishes, Cecilia.

  18. Patricia Coleman says:

    Oh, so true. It all moved so fast at the start, endless texts, emails, calls, non-stop communication, declarations of love, gifts, trips, largesse. He said he had been married, but omitted to tell me it was twice until after we had sex. Of course, both his wives were crazy. The first was physically abusuve; the second, emotionally abusive. He also omitted to tell he had been bankrupt twice – and went into bankruptcy for a third time while we were together. Meanwhile he wanted me to guarantee a mortgage for him. I refused. Phew! He caught be totally vulnerable at the start. He knew that. And pursued me relentlessly. Now 8 years later he turns around and says since I won’t marry him he is off to find himself a wife. Fair enough. His parting words: See, I didn’t die like everyone else you have loved …. but best pretend I’m dead anyway. When I brought up the previous bankruptcies which I had looked up, he went into a screaming meltdown. Blamed me for snooping. Yelled, cried like a child throwing a tantrum, then suddenly stopped, dusted himself down and took the fog for a walk. I feel totally duped and yes, addicted to the calls (at least 4-5/day), and daily contact. He would say I would have no one to tell my troubles to if we split. He also used to say he would kill me if I left him. Turns out he left me. Did I dodge a bullet?

    • INDEED you did and hopefully for good, even though I know its very painful, Patricia. I appreciate your taking the time to comment and share. I’m SO glad he left YOU as with threats like that, a distraction may well have saved your life. I know it did mine.

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