Are you ready to feel a little validation today?
This is a post for those of you “newbies” who are struggling with the why’s of what happened to the man you thought loved you. I hope this gives you understanding as well as peace in that while you will definitely have work to do on yourselves later, there was no way you could have avoided the predator at the time he targeted you.
Target: definition: Merriam Webster-
Definition of TARGET
to be affected by an action. Love bombing, definition- Wikipedia:
Love bombing is the deliberate show of affection or friendship by an individual or a group of people toward another individual. Critics have asserted that this action may be motivated in part by the desire to recruit, convert or otherwise influence.
As of 2005, the phrase can be used in two slightly different ways.
- Members of the Unification Church, and perhaps members of other groups, use or have used the phrase themselves to mean a genuine expression of friendship, fellowship, interest, or concern.
- Critics of cults use the phrase with the implication that the “love” is feigned and the practice is manipulative. “Love bombing” is often cited by critics as one of the methods used by some cults and religions to recruit and retain members. Abusers in romantic relationshipsalso do this to victims in the early stages of a relationship, showering their partners with praise, gifts, and affection.Read the definitions carefully. You see, when we break down what target and love bombing mean, it takes the romanticism right out of what happened to you and puts it square into the eyes of reality doesn’t it?
For this is EXACTLY what happened to you. Love bombing is the most malicious and deceitful portion of the entire relationship. It is filled with charm, lies, mirroring, feigned affection and LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX. ALL of this is strategic, you’re targeted in this way to bring you into relationship with him/her and to do it quickly. This stage is EXTREMELY important for the psychopath because it determines to him how many boundaries you willingly allow him to violate and how good of a job he can do to get you deeply hooked into a relationship, so that when the abuse starts, you will stay. The better at love bombing the psychopath, narcissist is, the harder it will be for you to escape.
Survivors hang on for dear life at this stage. They believe that everything they are feeling and thinking that the psychopath is doing is REAL LOVE, when it is nothing but strategic manipulativeness, deception and filled with lies. The survivor believes his declarations of “soul mate” and often sex is used early and as a weapon to bond us more to him. He douses us with his pity plays about all of his ex’s as evil bitches, or crazy. He leaves out details on purpose of he many women he has been with, often the reasons for having been kicked out of the last relationship.
Many women and men have died hanging onto this fallacy. If you do some studying of how cults gain the trust and loyalty of their members, you will see that the machinations that the psychopath uses to lure you into the relationship are NO DIFFERENT. What is very frightening about this, is that cult members will hang on so tightly to the pseudo love the psychopath instilled in them at the beginning, they would DIE for the leader. There are too many examples in history to show us the power of love bombing. David Koresh is one example, as was Jim Jones. While looking at it on the outside, it’s hard to fathom, right?
But why? This is exactly what we were doing in the relationship. Fortunately, many of us will get out, but there are so many more who will not, as they blindly and dependently hold onto the psychopath’s initial presentation with love bombing and feigned devotion. There is more to it than all the illusion that comes with this. Many of us are vulnerable when the psychopath happens on the scene. Many of us come from abuse backgrounds and psychopaths know it. Even loneliness can make you a target, but generally speaking there is more going on within us, that makes it open season for the psychopath to infiltrate our lives.
The better at love boming the psychopath is, the harder it will be to let go. The harder the victims will work to get back to “that place” again with him, never understanding that it never existed to begin with. They endure more and more abuse for a chance to relive those first few weeks, months or years in the relationship. He counts on it. Many psychopaths that do this, will lead you up to the moment in which you wish for a commitment, only to turn around and leave the relationship, cheat or play the push/pull game with you, BUT, just as many psychopaths are also wish to race you to the altar so that he can then get from you what he wants, money, sex, trophy wife. A piece of paper with a psychopath on the speedway of love is NOT looking for a “commitment”. For the disordered, this word has no meaning.
When you are out of the relationship, the love bombing the psychopath has done will be the greatest force with your cognitive dissonance, your obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Your thoughts will not go immediately to the bad, it will go to THAT stage in the beginning when he was so NICE and LOVING and GIVING to you…it will not take into account the abuse. It will feel very much like an uncontrollable, addictive pull. The addictive pull is related to the confusion regarding the love bombing he has done, and the abuse he committed afterward. Which one is the man you got into the relationship with? People fail to understand that the abuse didn’t begin with the first WTF moment or evil act. It started at the very beginning with manipulative deception.
The love bombing/honeymoon stage sets up the dynamic for you to take the abuse when the mask slips. It’s purposeful application will create the cognitive dissonance during the abuse phases of the relationship. He will make good use of this during the relationship to draw you back in when you begin to figure him out.
If you are to learn about anything right now, in educating yourself about the psychopath/narcissist, educate yourself A LOT about this behavior. Write it all out in a journal, all the things he did in the beginning, ALL of it. Put it away. Wait awhile and review it. See if you see something differently as you educate yourself further. You may find that there were red flags glaring that you missed but that you surely will not miss next time. Particularly as you work on yourself and your vulnerabilities that made you prey to such a predator in the first place. You will probably see heavy moments of manipulations, even his deceit and lies as they didn’t add up in the long run.
In writing out what are your particulars in how he love bombed you, honeymooned you, think about what it was you believed you were getting, what YOU THOUGHT it would take care of inside of you that might have been missing in you. What parts of your psychology did he exploit?
Know that his targeting of you was not your fault and as deceptive and cunning and strategic as he was, you simply could not have known. It was before your AWARENESS.
But now that you are out, you can begin to work on yourself, to remove obstacles in your life that will help you heal and never allow this into your life again. You are one of the lucky ones.
You’re no longer living in an illusion.