“Why Did He Choose Her and not ME?”- The Psychopath’s Discard and the New Victim

     There is an extremely painful reality with most survivors of psychopathic or narcissistic abuse that seems to be a huge sticking point in early recovery:  The psychopath’s ability to move on as if she never existed and take up with someone new. This is universal. And because it is, it has been written about countless times by others, but in addressing a survivor’s angst about it, it is often met with, “Don’t focus on what he’s doing” or “It’s time to move on.” These pat answers do not validate a survivor’s ‘why’ questions, nor help to alleviate even a little bit of pain from relationship with an individual that represents what extremes really are when it comes to abuse.

Most of the blog posts, articles and books I’ve read about this in trying to find answers and solace for myself when I dealt with my ex psychopath luring and capturing his new victim awhile back (and all the victims in between), address the issue of the reality of his moving on so fast and why. The reasons for this are outlined with regards to his propensity for boredom, thrill seeking behavior and novelty, his tendency to idealize, while his targeting is very specific to what he wants out of the potential victim, be it money, sex, an image prop, or simply to exploit in an effort to achieve ‘power over’.

Outlining the characteristics of these men (and women too)  is helpful in understanding why he did this, yet it does little to ease a survivor’s pain. Many survivors seek validation about their judgment in having ended the relationship, whether or not they did the right thing, or if they were right about him.

If they were dumped, they want to know what they did that was so wrong that he could have left and taken up with someone else so fast, when chances are he was doing this before he left and just found a new victim that will give him what he wants. Remember, psychopaths needs and wants change all the time.

There is not a victim on the planet capable of fulfilling the psychopath’s insatiable needs and addiction to power and control. As fast as he appears to attach to the new victim, is as fast as he can detach from her, or anything else he wanted or needed at one time or another, from his previous victims.

What you, the survivor, really want to hear is that he’s an asshole and that the relationship he has now won’t work. You want to hear that you weren’t  ‘wrong’ about him and that’s he’s not changed in another relationship, although he will give every indication possible that this is what he’s done.

The articles and blogs I’ve read, encourage a survivor to hurriedly move on from obsessing about their pain and why he is now with someone else. My approach to that is a little different. It’s very difficult to move on from the relationship when you need understanding about the psychopath/narcissist and validation with that understanding. So I will attempt to piece meal this a little bit in hope that it helps you to understand that the chances of his relationship working out with the next victim are ZERO.

Now I’ll explain why.

Psychopaths have no empathy. Yes, I know, you wanted to believe he loved you. You wanted to believe what he said was true. You wanted to believe that no one on earth could possibly be so deceptive and such a lying piece of shit! I know! But guess what? He is. And he can lie, deceive and manipulate without blinking an eye. The psychopath can do this because they think, they do not feel.

It’s very disconcerting and frightening to watch a psychopath target another victim. I had opportunity to see this with my ex, when he was doing his online dating near the end of the relationship with me. The mask slipping, he did not hide his predatory behavior from me once I knew, but he didn’t know how closely I was observing, while suspecting and researching his potential disorder.

He assessed each target according to his needs. Women are often so upset when they see the new victim. The survivor obsesses on the new victim’s ‘appearance’ and who she is and his appearances and images of bliss from his social networks. In a culture that is somewhat narcissistic and superficial, image is everything, right?  Wrong. What images were projected when he was with you? Looking in back at the WHOLE of the relationship, was that image accurate? Or did it serve the psychopath’s exploitative and manipulative purposes at the time?

What astounded me in my observance of my ex’s predatory dating habits was that it didn’t really matter what the potential new victim looked like. The new target’s appearance was merely secondary to fulfilling his needs. He had moved through an earlier time in his life where he needed a woman as a beautiful, thin, wife and mother prop, such as the first and second wives were for him, and instead was moving closer to the ‘retirement’ phase of his life, requiring an entirely new set of ‘needs’ to be met by his potential targets. He was attempting to date lonely women with money. His bank account and the desire to live comfortably in retirement, needing someone to help pay off his massive debts from borrowed money and child support/half his 401k to his wife, said it was time for a change!

I noticed that the majority of the women  he was targeting, exploiting and manipulating, were vulnerable. All were successful in some way, but much older, overweight, divorced, single a long time, widowed. None were “attractive” in the sense of what he had chosen before. This, in his mind, would guarantee a new victim’s emotional dependence upon him because her very vulnerabilities were linked to her low self worth, her appearance, or her mounting loneliness, no matter how ‘successful’ she was monetarily. Many a survivor believes that her monetary success should somehow prevent such targeting from a predator. Some survivors believe that they were ‘happily single’ and ‘just a little lonely’ when the psychopath showed up. But these vulnerabilities are NOT superficial and grow over time to be enormously subconscious. A dull ‘ache’ in the psyche is bait for the psychopathic predator.

As my ex-psychopath sifted through potential victims, he studied each one intently, assessing her for her use value. He studied her vulnerabilities, the things she liked and disliked. He researched her on the internet through Google searches to find out more about her. He found out through facebook what she liked to eat, drink, and who her friends and family were.

It did not take him long to shift into low gear and strategize in luring two potential victims. One of them was an old high school friend that was now somewhat wealthy and owned her own business. She was the ultimate catch in his mind, but she was far too healthy and caught on to his games. She wouldn’t have anything to do with him. Six weeks prior to asking the current victim (now wife) to marry him, he made one last attempt to ‘date’ the target with the most financial value. She rejected him. So he went in for the kill with victim three. My ex never considered taking a breather to ‘work on himself’ between his divorce, his continued relationship with me and its ending, and his fast paced luring of victim three into marriage after eleven months of dating. But you see, this is what psychopaths do…

Healthy men and women do not want to get married at the speed of light! Psychopaths and Narcissists are consistent ‘boundary pushers’. The love bombing is the height of abuse in the relationship and requires an excessive amount of energy on the part of the psychopath to exploit and manipulate, to cultivate a victim’s future emotional dependence and addiction to him.

So think about this for a minute:  This is how your ex probably targeted you. It was once surprising to me, while hearing many survivor stories, how the survivor so easily forgets the love bombing, manipulation and exploitation of her and does not recognize this behavior with the new victim.

Part of this inability to recognize what I term as ‘new victim’ envy, is that the survivor, this time, is observing the psychopath’s love bombing and it harkens the survivor back to a time when he was so seemingly engaged and ‘into’ her, when the psychopath, in reality, never really was ‘into her’ in the truest and meaningful sense.

The psychopath would never have a victim if abuse were introduced from the beginning in a way that pushes the potential victim away, even though exploitation and manipulation IS abuse. The psychopath is investing all of his energies into the new victim, not only to get his needs met, and to win the victim’s addiction to him, but once the victim is dependent, the psychopath begins the cycle of deprivation all throughout the relationship to come. It is the survivor’s ultimate deprivation through the loss of the psychopath, the withdrawal of addiction to the psychopath, that the survivor is experiencing as she observes the psychopath with the new victim.

The new ‘relationship’ the survivor observes with the new victim appears to be vastly different, as if the psychopath has changed. In a way, this is true, as some things that occurred with the survivor will not be the same in the new ‘relationship’, because the new victim is a different person with different unhealthy boundaries and vulnerabilities.

The psychopath’s projected images of happiness that you see, or rather ‘their’ happiness, are just that! But in reality, the luring and honeymoon phase of the relationship are manifestations of the disordered one’s psychopathy and narcissism.

It’s critical to remember that psychopaths will ‘morph’ into and mirror their new victims. Her interests and passions in life will not be like yours, therefore it makes sense that he will appear to be ‘different” and in a way he is, because he is now pretending to be her perfect partner. What you are seeing, quite literally, is that he has become an extension of her. He is now a reflection of her interests and who she is because he cannot do this for himself. Psychopaths are chameleons, empty to the core. They are different personalities for each individual they come into contact with.

A personal example of this with my last psychopath and one of his targets (while being involved with and just before marrying the new victim), who liked eating at exotic restaurants, so he studied up on it a bit and was prepared to dine on exotic foods to which he would never eat again when she rejected him. His need to present a persona with her was over. Never once, in ten years, did I see this man eat kangaroo! My ex abandoned this spontaneous ‘obsession’ with the exotic likes of his potential target when he knew she was not taking the bait. He did, however utilized some tactics he used with her and applied it vigorously to the new victim. Much like a snake shedding its skin, the psychopath leaves most of his former, yet newly created persona behind, without ever looking back, if the new target is not interested.

My ex is also a worship leader in his new church, so image is very important to him, appearing to be a ‘good’ Christian man. His circles have dwindled a bit since the last church that he attended with his ex-wife, but nevertheless, he was calculating in that the new victim was clueless about his past behavior and was not from his immediate area. This made it easier for him to create a new persona and to distance from those in his community who knew of his deviant behavior and take up with those that support his charade. He was able to compartmentalize and isolate the new victim from those who knew of his past. But there are those around him, his children included, that know of his behavior and past, yet work with him to hide it under the guise of the ‘redeemed’. The psychopath counts on these supportive individuals to keep his facade and image going and the new victim blinded to his former life.

His targeting is really quite predictable as are the consequences. The reality is that a psychopath will never be short on victims. There are many, many vulnerable victims in the world, a lot of unhealthy people. If this doesn’t work out for my ex, he will simply move onto the next victim.

Now, what about the new victim that stays? Well, how long did you stay? Why did you stay? We can’t assume she is staying for the same reasons and it doesn’t mean that he’s not abusive anymore. It means that she’s willing to buy into all of his bullshit, while he pushes the boundaries very slowly in an effort to gain more control in her life under the guise of a protective and powerful love. Just like he did with you. 

It’s the depth of emotional dependence and of vulnerabilities that were exploited in the victim, that determines how long she stays, as well as the psychopaths ability to prolong the honeymoon period, further cultivating that dependency. Some victims are much more emotionally dependent than others. The very deeply imbedded vulnerabilities the victim has, without empathy, the psychopath reaches in and pulls out, even while she may believe she has none at all.

During luring, psychopaths easily assess the potential ‘longevity’ of their targets willingness to stay, based upon their histories and vulnerabilities, her belief systems and his ability to push her boundaries. The healthier she is, the least likely she will stay long and will catch on to the psychopaths oddities, behaviors, lies, intentions and deceptiveness, covered up right now in all that Mr. Wonderful.

A man of good character, someone of healthy mind, has no need to exploit and manipulate women. The men I have in my life now, who are friends of mine, find my ex-psychopath to be and what he did to me, unfathomable and repulsive to them.
Healthy minded men, will also recognize that they need to take time from a long marriage or relationship to grieve, with self reflection and time out for themselves to be alone for awhile. Regardless of what myths befall men in our society, there are men who do this. There are men who ask themselves, “What happened?” and “What changes do I need to make and what do I need to learn from this?” How do I know this? Because many of them are survivors too.

People who are healthy do not run from relationship to relationship, hiding from themselves, or chasing a utopia that does not exist, yet are fantasies that lie in what our culture and society defines as romantic and erotic love. The manifestation of true love and happiness. As most survivors learn to understand, once the relationship ends, is that this ‘fantasy’ is not remotely real.

Healthy men do not degrade, humiliate, use, lie, rewrite history, omit parts of their histories with new partners, hide behind their mask of narcissistic religiosity and/or monetary success. They have remorse, they have guilt, they do not talk about their ex’s in degrading, humiliating ways. Not even in subtly. Healthy men do not need to control, rush the relationship, love bomb, suffocate, manipulate their children or other minion (supporters), to keep their secrets.

They do not need to mirror the likes and dislikes of their victims because they will have their own likes and dislikes that differ in degree from their partner. Healthy men will not triangulate others with the new victim, whether he uses the ex-wife, her children, his children or the family dog, Healthy men do not do this.

Healthy men are not habitually unfaithful and live double lives, but all psychopaths do. If a healthy man does ‘cheat’, they make amends immediately and work on themselves and their relationships to change it. A psychopath never will. A healthy man does not sabotage, create drama, have child like temper tantrums, rage out of control, laugh at your pain. They do not provoke arguments, do not twist words, do not blame shift or project blame onto you or others. They do not spend time talking about how awful so and so is and what was done to them. They do not purposely and sadistically provoke reactions out of you,  just to watch you writhe.

A healthy relationship does not cause confusion and chaos. It does not create cognitive dissonance, it does not repeat painful behaviors meant to harm.

Healthy minded men do not tell you that  you are their ‘soul mate’. They do not assume intimacy and love within the first few weeks or even several months. They do not move in with, or marry you within months in order to access your bank account to help pay off their debt. Have I listed enough?

The only thing that a psychopath or narcissist changes is his persona and his victims. Nothing more.

At the beginning of the relationship, during the honeymoon phase, the psychopath is very suffocating in his apparent ‘neediness’ of his target. He makes her to believe that he is protective and ‘jealous’ of anyone who dares to get near her. This appearance of ‘need’ and spending so much ‘smothering’ time with the new victim is about control. It is about power. This is a very critical piece that survivors need to remember when they think  he’s ‘happier’ with her. The only time a psychopath is ‘happy’ is when he’s got what he wants and only for awhile because eventually, without empathy or conscience, his boredom once again becomes an issue and it’s not long before he’s on the prowl, even while he is with the new victim.

I’ve yet to meet one survivor whose ex did not cheat, whether she knew about it during the relationship or after. Some psychopaths are cheating from the very beginning, setting up their triangulations before hooking the main target permanently, like my ex-psychopath was. This assures his ability to remain completely uncommitted in the marriage or in a co-habitation situation. Psychopaths also love triangulations and pitting women against one another, while they adore and worship him, is one of their favorite games.

Many a survivor has shared with me that while their ex’s are hooking up, or are hooked up with the new victim, that he attempts to ‘come back’ to her, or that he’s sleeping with someone else she knows and the new victim is not aware of this, yet the survivor sharing this oft repeated story, can’t understand why he seems so happy with ‘her’? Do you see the obvious contradiction in this? How ‘happy’ is he, when he’s trying to bait you, and/or sleeping with someone else? Flirting with someone else? Our deprivation, brainwashing and exploitation by the psychopath, makes the reasons he has ‘chosen her and not you’, look as ridiculous as it truly is.

The psychopath’s entire life is all about controlling and exploiting others. They are time freaks and they compartmentalize everything  and everyone in their lives. They usually have many cellphones with easily removable sim cards, as well as multiple email addresses, online dating sites under pseudonyms that they hide brilliantly from their main target. Do you really want to be her again?

The fantasy that the psychopath builds for the victim from the beginning is very powerful and involves her deepest vulnerabilities. If she is already at an emotional deficit and is vulnerable, the psychopath will have better success in keeping her in the relationship, no matter how abusive it will become. This is where it’s important to be mindful about your escape and how fortunate you are to have gotten out. The new victim will surely suffer an immeasurable amount of pain in the future. I have seen victims who have relinquished their power completely, unable to live without their psychopaths to the point of complete enmeshment and addiction that will be life long, no matter what the psychopath does to her. 

I know how painful it can be to see the psychopath and his new victim in ‘real time’ on his social network. Whether in images or in person, but we have to look past what we see as exclusive and bring into reality the whole picture. This picture includes what he did to you and every other victim in his life. Psychopaths have an insatiable addiction to power and the subsequent pain of the abuse they create and cause for others.

As survivors, we literally have to learn how not to want the psychopath anymore. Deprogramming and excising our addiction to him comes through no contact. When we see who he really is, the jealousy, anger and hurt about the new victim will ease over time. Who wants to marry, live with and/or date a psychopathic abuser? If you still want or love him, it’s because you are looking upon him with eyes of empathy. You’re projecting your feelings onto someone who is incapable of having them. It’s also a reflection of the wounds you must heal, a reflection of your low self worth, forfeited for his opinions of you. It’s a reflection of his power over you and the emotional dependence you have upon him.

Survivors begin to move forward when they understand and finally accept that their ex partner was disordered. It’s at this point that they are they able to switch gears and begin to look at their involvement in the relationship and what made them vulnerable to a psychopath or narcissist in the first place.

Changing your perspective hurts. You will have to take every positive thought about him and change it into one that is realistic. His ‘love’ for you was manipulation, the rest was deprivation and abuse. He lives to take you to the highest emotional mountaintop in the beginning and watch your reactions as he slowly or quickly pushes you off, watching as you fall, and ‘rejoicing’ in sadistic glee as you hit bottom.

Is this really the life you would want to continue? The life you just escaped and that the new victim now has to contend with?

As you cultivate your own independence and change the story of the relationship to an accurate one with regards to the psychopaths love bombing and subsequent abuses, it will help you to embrace yourself and your new life more, bringing relief to you and your new freedom. For you truly are free.

When you struggle with his ‘choice of her over you’, keep in mind your own beginning with him, what he did to you, what happened during the relationship, and that true and real change does not occur with a simple change of victims and persona, but through self reflection, therapy, and most of all time. NO ONE can ‘change’ someone else to ‘instant happiness’. Don’t allow the fantasy he fed you and that you briefly lived in his exploitation of you, to be the guiding principle in gauging his ‘change’ with her or his ‘new life’ with her. She will have her own lessons to learn,  just as you are learning them now.

I wish you peace.

*If the blog has been helpful, please consider a donation to my paypal address kelli.hernandez46@gmail.com*

**Note: Psychopath is my term of preference, however narcissist and sociopath are also interchangeable here. While I use ‘he’ in referencing the psychopath, this article also applies to men who have been the victims of psychopathic women.

 

 

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299 Responses to “Why Did He Choose Her and not ME?”- The Psychopath’s Discard and the New Victim

  1. Karen says:

    As a follow up to this, I have now become obsessed with stalking him and his wife on Facebook. I keep trying to find out things about them and spend so much time looking them up. This is bothering me so much. I know I need to put this energy into finding a healthy relationship with a man who is available. I am thinking about going no contact soon. I told him recently I didn’t feel comfortable doing this and he just said we’ll just text then. His texting was him constantly flirting with me until I gave in- again. I am really glad to have read this article and know there are other people out there going through the same thing.

    • Julie says:

      Oh how I understand you and feel your pain. Let me however prevent you from more pain.
      You see my story is similar. I met him at work. He was so good looking, said all the right things and made me feel desirable again. I had already been divorced and raising three kids alone. After 14 lonely years here he was feeding me with lots of attention I hadn’t had in a very long time. Sexually he made me feel like I was the best thing on earth. His obsessive calls and texts made me feel he needed and desired me. This was a Huge red flag though!!! A wedding ring. But of course he made her out to be this crazy, lazy, fat, bitch that controlled everything he did. He said the only reason he was there was because of his precious daughter. Well, I finally got what I thought I wanted. He lived with her a couple of weeks then me a couple of weeks and this went on for two years. He played us both and litterly dragged are emotions and self esteem through the mud. He played the many several suicide attempts and begging and stalking to the both of us making us think he needed us.
      To make matters worse I became pregnant with twins. The physical and emotional abuse really then took my life upside down. He choked me, hit me, shoved me down, forced sex constantly on me, tried to force me to mis carry, tried to force an abortion on me, through things at me, humiliated me at are job with other women he was sleeping with, called me whore, bitch, slut you name it, pulled chunks of my hair out, picked his nose and put his snot on me. I could go on and on. Well after a nervous and mental break down oh and severe depression I went into labor and had the babies and they survived. I struggled to get my life back but I had to return to work and there he was. He all of a sudden adored me again and wanted a family.
      After all that I wanted to desperately believe him. I made the worst mistake of my life and went back to him. My life really took a turn for the worst. Two more years of him continuing to cheat on me with his ex wife and strings of woman on line. His violence escalated and the verbal abuse hit a new high. He humiliated me at my job daily. He had many convinced I was crazy and he was this macho cool guy. He manipulated and threatened me in ways that I can not even discuss here. When I tried to leave him after the 100th time litterly he called the cops and told them I hit him and had me arrested. And later told me if I tried to leave again there would be hell to pay and he would do it again.
      Yes, I went back again. I became so sick. I wanted to die. I gained 80lbs, severe depression, anxiety, PTSD and the worst self worth imaginable. I even lost my job. He was finally forced to resign after I filed a complaint but it hurt me too cause no child support.
      I gave this bastard everything. My time, my heart, my love, I never cheated, I gave him my money, I forgave and forgave like he said if I was a real christian I had to forgive him. I believed all his lies. Kept going back hoping and praying this time he would love me and our twins. Every time he manipulated me into going back was just one more length of time for me to suffer and bang my head against the wall.
      What I am trying to say is the first time a person shows you who they are BELEIVE them!!! As Mayo Angelou once said. I wish I had known better. Each day is a struggle. I still don’t have a job. I suffer everyday still from all the abuse and my self esteem is still in the dumps. I do have my life and my beautiful twins. I thank God I got out and pray for all victims of psycho paths. May we all get out before they suck the life out of us. LITERLY!!

      • Julie,

        Thanks for sharing.

        The reasons survivors go back time and time and time again, I’m CONVINCED is that they do not believe with all of their hearts that this man is as evil, depraved and conscienceless as he REALLY IS. We often project our own empathy onto others…and I believe this is so subconscious that the assumptions made about someone as if they have the capability to understand us, keep us twisted up in trying to understand THEM…

        They are no joke. They are lethal and dangerous. Julie, I am glad you’re out and I’m GLAD you’re alive, because believe it or not, there are many women who do not and the biggest mistake they make, is that they do not genuinely ‘get’ that this person is LETHAL…and completely, TOTALLY depraved. They remember the beginning, when the beginning was a LIE. IT IS A LIE…thank you for sharing

      • Julie says:

        Thank you and GOD bless you and your blog.

    • Hi Karen,

      So you’re the OW…welcome to my blog. I was the OW too, so I can share a little bit, with you about this. I’d like to first go over this with you. Above you said, “I know I need to put this energy into finding a healthy relationship with a man who is available.” ~ My question to you would be WHY? What about putting energy into YOU. Learning to love yourself? I’ll explain according to what you’ve written here. By the way, I think you are VERY, VERY brave and courageous for sharing as the OW. This is a BIG trigger for a lot of survivors here who were married to unfaithful ‘spaths’. But I know, having played both parts, wife to a spath for 20 years and OW to another for 10, that neither side of the coin is a ‘winner’ when it comes to a psychopath, Karen. What does she have that you don’t? Well, a pathological, lying, sadistic, conscienceless, exploiter. Is that really something you want? Are you really SURE about that? You see, this is where even the best of us get caught up in pathological dynamics that are unhealthy at best, or at worst, ‘lining up’ with the psychopath, taking on his behaviors. I swear to GOD these individuals are ‘contagious’ in our relationships with them.

      So he is texting flirtatous texts with you….and your jealous of what you believe she has? Oh you mean Prince Charming? Or a dangerous lethal psychopath who doesn’t mind hurting you OR her. And if she doesn’t know, don’t think that if she did, she would be okay with his behavior? Although while she’s not okay with the behavior, it will be YOU that is targeted. In other words, men who are faithful don’t cheat, emotionally or physically, not even on text. But he ‘can’t help it’ because he has a disorder that is dangerous and lethal….and this is just what he does. If it weren’t to you, it’d be someone else. I don’t know if you’ve read much of the blog, but to any disordered individual, women are merely objects. Pawns in his/her game. We are there to serve the psychopaths purposes, be it sex (they are extremely hypersexual), or as marital partners so they can disguise their double lives and MANY times, just for fun for the psychopath. He gets bored REALLY easily, so having many women all at once, is fun for him. When he get can them triangulated, hating each other, envious of each other, it’s even MORE fun for him. Psychopaths are mysogynists, Karen. They have a great disdain for all women because he views them as weak and when we’re fighting over him, we prove ourselves to be as catty and even more weak, as the psychopath believes we are.

      Now, sharing from the experience of being an OW. When you’re the OW of the spath, you are love bombed no less than the wife of a spath. You think you’ve just met the most amazing man. And what he’s really doing is blowing smoke up our asses. HE’s appealing to our EGO…and we feel ‘connected’, “bonded’, “soul mate’ to this person and he even tells us this, right? Then we go to bed with him rather early in the relationship because he insists upon this, because psychopaths are the ultimate boundary violators and if you have no personal boundaries of your own, you’re toast when it comes to a psychopath. I had zero boundaries, zero self esteem, zero self respect, zero self love. What self respecting healthy woman gets involved with a man when he’s MARRIED? Or when he has a ‘serious’ girlfriend? What self respecting woman goes to bed with the most lethal individual on the planet a week after meeting? The psychopath wants sex with you and FAST because he knows this is how empathic people BOND and there is no deeper bond then when we are sexually intimate. He needs this to happen so you won’t ask questions. The more ‘in love’ you think you are with this predator, the more hooked you become, the harder it is to get out. I use to wish the same thing, Karen…that my ex would leave his wife….well, turns out she divorced him and guess what? GAME.OVER…he wanted FRESH Prey that he could utilize to build back an image of loving husband, father, worship leader, blah blah blah…and of course, money. He did manage this, but a few months ago, I saw him with another woman….who was not his wife…who was out of the country at the time. It never ends, Karen. I don’t think she’s at all lucky, I feel very sorry for her because she will endure the SAME THING that the rest of his ‘women’ have. IT wasn’t until I was out of the relationshit that I discovered that I wasn’t the only OW either! Oh there are many, many more…..it is never what you think it is, because he is NOT what you have him built up in your mind to be. The depravity and deceit, exploitation runs DEEP with this guy, on a level that you can never imagine. The reality is that he’s exploiting you AND he’s exploiting her AND he’s exploiting other women too. I thank GOD I did not ‘get’ what I thought I would when the relationship ended. SO grateful for that. I dodged a MAJOR bullet, because when a psychopath is DONE with you the mask is off, Karen and it is VERY unpleasant indeed.

      Psychopaths have an uncanny ability to make us want them in a desperate sort of way. This happens because they DEPRIVE you…there is always DEPRIVATION in the relationship and in this case, he refuses to give you want you think you want, which is to marry YOU. They do this to keep you addicted…dependent on them. I wonder if this ‘deprivation’ piece was what threw the GF over the edge enough that it resulted in marriage, and even if she doesn’t know it, YET he is depriving her AGAIN…and you really don’t know in what ways that he is. He will never marry you. He will never be with you, Karen. You’re another one of his many OW’s and it’s why he targeted you again after you didn’t speak for a year. He could care less that you called the GF. He baited you and due to that deprivation, you took it. That’s part of what keeps OW’s going back. They want the full meal deal and they see what they wife is getting so they think that he’s giving her something he’s not to the OW. This addiction is so strong, that we forget about the ‘sistahood’. We don’t care that he’s married and we don’t care about her either. This is what I talk about when I discuss suspension of empathy. This is where the psychopath’s projections of lack of morality come in. We lose that too, because we’re so focused on the addiction (psychopath) and what he’s depriving us of what we think we could have with him (WE. CANT),that the spouse doesn’t even matter anymore. This is kind of the ‘sickness’ that we take on in the pathological dynamic in the relationship we do things we would normally NEVER do when we move away from the psychopath and the constant deprivation he creates. When the wife figures out that he’s been depriving her too, of a FULL commitment, the fireworks get rolling and the psychopath fans the flames of jealousy and hatred. And guess what? She’s involved in the pathological dynamic too, Karen. I’m sure his wife puts up with crap out of him that you don’t even know about. But the reality that he’s unfaithful to her, that he will always be unfaithful to her will be of no consequence when she finds out about you. He will demonize and smear you from here to next week. SHE will listen to his shit and demonize YOU too. He is more likely to dump you, then he is she, because for whatever reason, she serves a utility to him, whether it be image, money, whatever the reason, she gives him something that you don’t that is more important to him. The thing about that is that the OW tends to think that what he’s giving HER is LOVE, when that is NOT at all the case because they are INCAPABLE of this. Many psychopaths get married because they can live parasitically off a woman (even if he makes his OWN money), or he can use her as an image prop and build a reputation that would only happen in association with her. My ex psychopath targeted and married his wife to create an image of himself as faithful, loving Christian husband and father when he was NONE of that. He was rounding up OW’s from the beginning of his marriage, and when his wife divorced him, and he was just about to marry victim three, he was already SCOUTING OW’s SIX WEEKS before they got married!! And if it weren’t for one of his victims letting me know this, I wouldn’t have known at all. When he told her about his life he said his wife was abusive and didn’t even MENTION me. Because you know, a ten year AFFAIR that got you FIRED from your job, doesn’t look so good on your dating resume, does it? I feel SORRY for her, Karen. God KNOWS how many women he’s bedding now…it never gets better, ever.

      So now, back to you. What is appealing about a man who cheats? What is appealing about a man who is a psychopath? What is appealing about a marriage that he’s willing to cheat on WITH YOU?
      And I’d like to suggest asking yourself the following questions, Karen, for yourself. What are my personal boundaries? Do I have any? What are my personal values, morals? Do I have an abusive past that I might want to look into to see if it plays into my desire for a psychopath? Do I really feel good about being the other woman to another woman’s husband and does that align with my morals? Aren’t I worth MORE than this? Is my radar adequate/healthy enough to spot another psychopath? Or should i take some serious down time to look at me? Where is my addiction to this man? What do I really want that keeps me clinging to him? Is he the right person to provide this? What does a healthy relationship look like to me? Do I love myself? Why am I allowing a psychopath to abuse me? Hurt me? Does what he’s doing to me in the way of hurting me, feel familiar to me? If it does, how, why? Why do I think I need a man and a relationship to feel whole? What’s missing in my life that I need/want/ How do I feel? Lonely, bored, isolated, busy, depressed, anxious? Karen, you didn’t mention whether or not you have any children. IF not and you’re single looking for a relationship, I can personally tell you that these questions are very seriously good to ask yourself and to try to answer. If this psychopath’s wife has a child with him, this WILL NOT BE A HAPPY OCCASION. Just read the many comments on my blog from survivors who have children with evil and you’ll see that it is anything but fun. If you have the opportunity STILL to work on yourself first regarding the issues that allowed this man into your life, it will be a blessing to any future children that you do have. I’m the adult child survivor of a psychopath, a survivor of partners who were psychopaths, grandparents that were psychopaths and one of my son’s is a psychopath too. If she has a child with this man, heartache, pain, abuse and trauma to herself and her children is what she has to look forward too NOT prince Charming. Psychopaths are deadly lethal. Even if they’ve never been violent before, they CAN be when the mask is off. They are psychological terrorists and the harm visited upon their children, lives in ME. It lives in my children, it lives in my LINEAGE.

      I think that you’d want better for yourself. And better is definitely possible BEFORE you flirt with disaster. You have an opportunity that many of us never had or will never have again. I hope that you’ll give this some thought. Trust me when I say that you’re dodging a bullet too if you go NC and STOP long enough to be alone for awhile. Because when we’re allowing the most lethal and toxic individual in the universe into our lives, we have some issues we need to deal with….

      Peace to you, Karen…

      • Julie says:

        Beautifully said!!!

      • Darla says:

        OMG! TATL! We could be the exact same person. Unfortunately, I too have been a victim of several NPs in my life. I am finally getting help through therapy now. It has been a really lonely place to be involved with people with these disorders as it feels as if no one believes you or they have never experienced this so they think it’s not really possible that people like this truly exist in this world. They will certainly take everything you have if you let them, and if you don’t fight for your life. It does not make me feel better that someone else has experienced the horrors of having someone in your life of this level of evil. It is a validation though that someone out there understands what victims of these disorders have experienced and survived.

      • Darla,

        It’s the validation that helps start the process in understanding what you were dealing with, but only the beginning…the rest of recovery is about us…

        Darla, did you come from a pathological home? I’m curious because you mentioned several NPD’s…thanks for your comment!

  2. Karen says:

    For me, I was not a victim of abuse when I was younger. When I met my psychopath I had come out of a relationship six months prior and went through a lot of saddness and loss with the ending of that relationship. I thought I had found the perfect man for me when I met my psychopath. He was so sweet, sweeter than any man I had ever met. He knew all the right things to say, all the right things to do. I was smitten with him early on. In hindsight there were red flags, and I wish I had ended the relationship early on. The longer I stayed with him, the more attached to him I became. I think I was lonely, and wanted to be with someone so I put blinders on. I really thought that he was “the one” but I now realize that I was in love with the fantasy that I had created about him.

    • Karen,

      “I really thought that he was ‘the one’ but I now realize that I was in love with the fantasy that I had created about him.
      Bingo.

      Loneliness doesn’t seem like a gaping vulnerability, but it is. It runs deeper then I think we believe it does when we’re feeling, thinking and expressing it. There have been survivors who wanted the fantasy so bad, (me included) that they bought their own rings, their own wedding dresses, made all the wedding arrangements, while he was along for the ride. All he had to do was nod’ yea baby’ and give a lot of sex and she was convinced…

      Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we took that fantasy and created it around loving OURSELVES first? Chances are if we put as much energy into healing ourselves and our wounds, we’d not a. ‘need’ a man to ‘complete’ us and b. if we wanted a relationship we could take it or leave it, but if someone were to approach we’d be far more aware and our radars would not be quite so broken.

      ANother reason survivors get hooked more than once, is because they’ve not healed their wounds and two, ‘but this one was so much DIFFERENT than the last….he may have a different demeanor, but the exploitation, manipulation, lying and the little red flags that are there, say he’s exactly the same…I made that mistake with spath 3….

  3. Karen says:

    I am so glad I found this article and see that other people have gone through the same thing. Great article it has been very helpful to me…

  4. Sharon says:

    He recently dumped me. I was manipulated for a year, we worked together and he had delusions of grandeur and wanted to overthrow the m.d so he could take over. I didn’t know his plan. He asked he details about who was having meetings etc and I told him. He got fired and didn’t tell me why. He kept my money and claimed it was his to everyone. He made out I was crazy. He made me pay for hotel rooms etc and then kept me waiting on them for hours. He spoke to me with contempt. He ignored my messages asking “why”, he then started love bombing someone else whilst with me. He dumped me by saying that I had lied about something which I hadnt. This is just a summary. I’m feeling really anxious about it all.

  5. Urjita Nanda says:

    I’ve been through a similar life whilst at college… I’ve dealt and I’m still dealing with a extremely low esteemed mother who wanted me to be like her and just educated me on becoming a doormat as that ensures family bond remaining intact. She made me a low esteemed person as well and all the while I believed her education to be true. I got admitted to the best college in my country for post graduation and was more than elated as it was a result of my efforts. However I was low in my esteem and hence could not win in college general elections. I took failure to heart and was disappointing as people would ignore me. I became sadder and sadder and stayed in my shell. I later on got chance to appear on TV which again improved my reputation in college but only for a short while. I was extremely vulnerable and a perfect victim for a psychopath.

    Enter a guy who took advantage of it all- while he was engaged to some other female. He became a gray rock trying to ensure that i break up with him. Gave me endless nights of emotional pain, torture and tears. I tolerated it all the while only to stay away from my mother who has narcissistic tendencies as well. He finally broke off and married the other girl. However he carried the reputation of being a charmer in college so people befriended him but nobody considered him to a good, trustworthy person. Owing to the fact that I dated him, my entire college boycotted me and spoke terribly ill behind my back. I’d to take a year and half long psychiatric treatment to get over suicidal tendencies post breakup. Now I’ve graduated from my college and I still feel bad at times about the fact that nobody ever understood me or my plight. I’ve moved back with my mother who is as narcissist as before, and sometimes I miss the psychopath’s kind words of comfort. Most of the college people have removed me from being their facebook friend as well and nobody seems to care about me except 4-5 people. Any advice about dealing with this situation?? Should I really feel bad that I’ve no friends from college at all?

    PS-I’ve a good job and I’m happy with my professional life.

    • Urjita,

      I’m not sure that this is as much of a problem with you for them, but rather a progression of life. My daughter was friend with and graduated with several. Five years later, only a few remain, busy with their lives….
      And if you’ve got a good job and your happy in your professional life, maybe making new friends is a good thing to do. College has come and gone and I think it’s rare if we stayed friends with people that are with us on our travels in life, usually for a season.

      Living with your narcissistic mother does keep pathological dynamics going in your life, and that might have much to do with missing the psychopath. Those of us raised in pathological homes, tend to what is familiar to us…

      I think if you were to find a place of your own, in the near future, it would help alleviate the missing of the ex psychopath too….we’re trauma bonded to them, insane loyalties….it ‘feels’ like a true bond, but is not.

  6. megan pox says:

    This blog really helped me alot! I must say this is the best of all the articles i have read.
    Its an eye opener.. and reading this made me realize how disgusting my ex is.. I wish him well.. Because he is sick

  7. Piper says:

    Brene Brown, PhD Therapist/Author, Shame-Researcher, reminds us to not see “vulnerability” through the shame lens. Recognizing our vulnerabilities allows us to get creative and to change.
    There is no shame at all in wanting comfort from someone when we are, for instance, grieving the loss of beloved family members, or when we are lonely and hoping for real love. Even therapists who write the books about sociopaths get fooled by them and sucked in unawares because psychopaths are GOOD at pretending. I hope no one who reads these posts feels shamed because they were vulnerable or because they were fooled.

    One of the very best books I’ve read about the broad-range that is Narcissism, is Dr. Alexander Lowen’s “Narcissism–Denial of the True Self.” He had a very different slant on this Narcissistic Culture we live in. Because of reading his book, I now believe getting hooked by a narcissist may not always be because the victim had low self-worth or “should” have kept her vulnerability from allowing it. I believe now that many of us, from infancy to adulthood, are somewhat numb, and that if you’re somewhat numb, you just don’t tune into what your GUT INSTINCTS are trying to warn you about. Many of us, from the get-go, were SHAMED whenever we felt any normal negative feelings. The Narcissist, of course, has this problem and completely numbed out negative feelings (which give us conscience), as well as empathy and real joy. But the fact is, most of us have some degree of narcissism going on within ourselves, how could we not, given we are living in a culture in which narcissism and shame are epidemic? Even Dr. Lowen admits to having a degree of NPD. I believe we all do, that it has been pervasive since at least WWII, and that there are reasons our culture switched from Victorian to Narcissistic.

    The world has witnessed war and the horrors of war, big-time, since WWI. It has made whole generations NUMB OUT. To witness horror, brings up feelings of TERROR. It makes whole generations of people depressed. Whole generations NUMB out when that happens, and it has happened around the world, not just in the US. Look at what happened in Germany! Do you think ANY of us can view that without going numb?

    Consider that T.S. Eliot has been praised as the most important poet of the last century, and that in his last work, Four Quartets, he said: “Humankind cannot bear very much reality.” I believe that is true and NOTHING to be ashamed about. We all numb out, at least somewhat, and cannot view the horrors that we’ve all been subjected to for centuries.

    Dr. Alexander Lowen says our True Self is our bodies and the feelings that register in the body. The body is the ONLY part of us that is in Present Time.
    When we go into our head, trying hard to figure out why we did this, and why “he” did that, we aren’t in touch with our body or in touch with the feelings, other than anger and rage at being victimized. There are healthy ways to work with anger, guilt, hurt, etc., and it’s important to find the healthy ways to work with negative emotions. Therapists teach us how to stay with an emotion when it rises, and how to work with it till it dissipates again. Negative emotions rise, peak and fall. For instance, if you feel anger, find a tennis racket and beat a pillow till you are exhausted.

    But the most important emotion of all to embrace so you can heal, is GRIEF. Therapy calls grief “the healing feeling.” Alexander Lowen, PhD, MD, body-mind therapist, says the SOLUTION to narcissism, whether because we’ve been victimized (and most of us have, it’s epidemic), or to cure it in ourselves, is to allow yourself to feel the terror, or the deep loneliness, or the severe hurt and betrayal, and CRY. Not just hot tears of rage, but cry and cry and cry, sob and sob and sob FROM THE BELLY. Lowen says it is the CURE. And it can’t be cured in just one sob session.

    Just think how so many people have been taught that crying is a sign that we’re on a “pity pot.” So many people shut down and stay locked in swirling negative emotions because they can’t or won’t cry. So many “spiritual” people deny and think it’s wrong to feel “negative feelings.” We live in a grief-resistant, if not grief-retarded! culture. What we need is to sob over and over from our bellies — so we can all feel again and not be numbed out.

    I think it’s easy to fall prey to a Narcissist-sociopathy/psychopath — not because we have low self-esteem or low self-worth, but because we are numb and the red-flags that should warn us and should stir up our bellies and the instincts there, don’t — because so many of our bellies are NUMB.

    There is nothing shameful about being vulnerable. All of us are HUMAN, and humans need security because we can break easily. There is nothing wrong with allowing others to see our vulnerabilities. The issue is that we become addicted to someone who SEEMS to be offering some security because we are NUMB and can’t FEEL at the time how abusive it really is, and also fear being alone in such a messed-up world. I empathize with all of us in trying to find our ways, especially with such horrific woundings during this dark dark time of Narcissistic and Shame epidemics world-wide. I sob and sob from my belly now, and it is helping to heal my own wounds, as it clears my head and the tape-loops of PTSD that wouldn’t seem to go away.

    And after researching to help myself after a terrible wounding with a psychopath, I found the bigger picture: That we live in a Narcissistic Culture and it’s world-wide these days, and that Dr. Lowen says when that happens, we need to be very aware of government officials who are acting out of the sociopathic and psychopathic degrees of narcissism. I won’t go into the horrific politics of this here — but if interested, please read Lowen’s book. When I read his book, it helped take my awareness of Narcissism as a cultural disorder from focusing on a personal level, to seeing a much bigger picture, with empathy and compassion for all of us — and a desire to share this information because it has helped me recover. Seeing a bigger picture, while at the same time doing the very hard work that GRIEF demands — is working for me. Most of us want to avoid the kind of deep-belly sobbing that Lowen speaks to as the CURE. Once I gave myself to that part of the process, it was a lot easier to let the “head stuff” go. I believe Dr. Lowen because what he offered as “cure” is working for me.

    And Dr. Brene Brown’s works are the best for helping us love ourselves and have compassion for ourselves even in our vulnerabilities and our brokenness.
    We are human, we are vulnerable. We do not need to claim “We are powerful beyond measure,” or “I am fearless,” as many spiritual and motivational teachers suggest, those statements feed narcissism. We are fragile as humans living in an unsafe world, of COURSE we would hope for security, especially in times when we are more vulnerable than usual! No SHAME.
    We don’t have to act AS IF we “should” have been different. Please STAY HUMAN, and give yourself and everyone else permission to grieve deeply the LOSS OF HUMANITY in our narcissistic, shaming culture.

    • Piper says:

      PS: It’s so important to remember that the hurt we experience when so betrayed is really a LOSS OF LOVE. We loved sincerely. We went into the relationship with a narcissist with good intentions and a natural organic desire to share love and security. When someone else cannot love or empathize and wounds us, we experience a LOSS OF LOVE. It is the loss of love we need to grieve. The grieving process will see us experiencing hurt, anger, deep sadness, disappointment — there are many stages to the grieving process. We recover from Loss of Love by Grieving Deeply. (Not by trying to think it through over and over and over.) That’s why Therapy calls Grief, “the healing feeling.” From my own direct experience I can say, the pain and the rumination and the insomnia and swirling negative emotions, including hate and rage etc., go away when grief is embraced as the CURE.

      • Piper,

        I think, and speaking only for my own experience and some of other survivors who have done a bit of work, we BELIEVED we were loving someone….but in reality, a psychopath is not a reflection of self love or self esteem.

        I think that if there is a history of trauma, those of us affected who had these individuals as PARENTS, NEVER knew love, so when we walked into these relationships what was love to us, was abuse. We were ‘numbed out’ from it all. It was familiar to us.

        I wholly believe in embracing grief and I too agree that this is the key to recovery. ALL of it must be felt, moment by moment during the process which is a long one. I’m a HUGE believer in this and my blog reflects that too. Running from pain, can also get us into another relationship with a disordered one. This has happened to me and to other survivors too.

        I really, really appreciate your comments and for the most part, I agree with them. Thank you for sharing.

    • Piper,

      Just curious, was this the only post you’ve read on my blog? I agree with much of what you’re saying here and my blog reflects much of it in a variety of posts.

      I’m glad Dr. Lowen helped you, but I refrain from ‘idealizing’ one individual to have helped me in my search for self and in dealing with my traumas, although my therapist, I think, who is bested suited to me and my traumas, is right up there, but I’ve read many, MANY books on the disorders, as well as those by survivors.

      I also agree about the prevalence of psychopathy (My term of preference), and that it’s very prevalent in society and in positions of government.

      “Numbed’ out is, in my opinion, going a bit too far, as it implies that awareness cannot change this. We have to become aware of the problem before we can change it and that won'[t happen in a ‘numbed out’ state, something that I DO think reflects much of society that is not aware of the disorders.

      I really appreciate your sharing here. Very thought provoking comment.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Wow. Your article totally nailed it. I’m four years free (though he reared his ugly head a few months ago) and I’ve never seen anyone so pathetic. To anyone entangled with someone like this– you really can’t explain to them what’s wrong…just love yourself enough to W-A-L-K and don’t look back. Don’t second guess yourself just GO.

  9. Ciara says:

    have just been “discarded” once again from a man I spent 3 1/2 years with. He repeatedly cheated on me with his ex and I know another woman. He recently text me saying thank you for loving him, that he did not use me or play with my heart but he is in love with me and his ex “when it came down to it…it was my LOVE and feelings for two women”. This statement alone hurt me to my core because it let me know that I was just a rebound for his ex. I truly believed in the illusion he placed in my head and heart. To the point that everyone in our direct circle (friends, church members) thought he loved me and was going to marry me. It hurts like HELL to be deceived, used and then thrown away like a piece of trash and it does play on one’s self esteem. I feel so stupid for allowing this man to get into my heart and thoughts as he did. It is so sad in this world that people just can’t be honest and love…..not lie and steal from one another…..and that is exactly what he did. He stole my Heart.

  10. Empath says:

    Thank you for this extremely helpful article! I want to donate to you as soon as I am able because you are gifted and brilliant bringing this to light. I struggle every day with thos happy “images” of him and his new wife. The explotation of a very young girl, it kills me inside cuz I am a Mother. He knows this will bother me for a long time, I know the truth and can see he is saying and doing the same game to her ,he did to me. He just switched a few things up. I just feel so damn bad for her. My daughter said don’t feel bad for her but she is the victim I cant help it,, it is sick. He is so sick and I wish the world knew who he was. I only know his dirty secrets. Everyone thinks he is great. It is not fair :(

    • Empath,

      Donations are always appreciated, but not necessary to received support from me. :)

      I bet you are not the only one privvy to his little dirty secrets, Empath. These individuals usually have many who are, but in differing roles they play for him. I don’t know how young this girl is, but they tend to go for younger women as they are more naive, but it’s also an incredible ego boost for the psychopath. Some of them are also pedophiles never discovered. The younger the victim is, the more telling. Just my opinion after dealing with a few sexual predators in my life.

      I think that’s the most frustrating thing for survivors, as well as the most painful, the smear campaign and others belief of his stories. They are endless, they are filled with lies and unfortunately, we live in a society that feeds off exploitation and lies. Who will believe anything the psychopaths says, no matter how contradictory, and no matter what these people once thought of you. Friendships and whole families are often lost due to the smear campaign.

      Recently, I have been able to finally touch on some of the trauma delivered me by my ex. All the things I told him, were calculated in his head as to use later. This is why the exploitation stage (love bombing) is so dangerous for the new victims. Often, it isn’t the psychopath doing all the talking, it is the victim, because the psychopath learns enough about his victims PRIOR to dating them, to understand their vulnerabilities and to establish a ‘soul mate’ connection early in the relationshit, which helps the victim engage in several bouts of verbal diarrhea. I think this is the hardest thing we have to deal with when the relationship ends, in that we were not observant and careful, therefore missed MANY red flags from the get go because love bombing is the VERY first sign you will have that you’re dealing with a disordered one…

      I pray you find Peace, Empath…:)

  11. Rookie says:

    hi,

    This is one of the best article i have read regarding this topic.I need some guidance and help regarding the same.
    I was married to a person 4 years back and he displayed very similar characterstics as you described. I was wooed into the relationship by him. There is one of his cousins whom he was really jealous of and whose proposal i rejected. Now i feel that was one of the major reasons he got married to me because he wanted to show him down. He was very attentive and used to show childlike dependency on me during 9 months of courtship. Sometimes I felt ” that something was wrong” as he suddenly used to withdraw or show very aggressive behaviour for which he used to profusely apologize the next day sending me 20-30 msgs and calls. He was very snobbish and big show off. Finally we got married and he started controlling my life in every way. He used to withdraw affection and attention and gave me silent treatment for weeks if something was done which he did not like. He kept on checking himself in mirror for hours and looked for appreciation. He used to emotionally manipulate me and was also physically abusive twice. Once he contact his ex girlfriend via FB telling her that how much he wished her well and basically wanted to be in contact again. Even though i was aware that he did a complete withdrawl without any closure from her as well. When i found about him contacting her i confronted him and he said that it was just out of whim he did and she did not mean anything to him etc etc. The whole life was about him and his wants. Between friends we were the ideal couple as he used to display that he is so madly in love with me and adores me but the moment we used to reach back home, it was a complete reversal of behaviour. After putting in all the efforts from my side finally i escaped the relationship with the timely help of my family but i still was wondering that was i the one who was wrong or was anything wrong with him? Am i the one with the problem? He got remarried recently after dating a girl for 1 year who he stated dating 1 months after our seperation. I wonder that will he keep his new wife happy? Was it really me who could not “understand him” as he states? Was i a failure? Will both of them lead a happy life while i carry on wounded and stuck?

    Please help and answer

    • Rookie,

      I apologize for being tardy in answering comments. If you’ve not found sufficient advice for your situation, I hope this comment helps.

      Survivors often ask these questions when the relationship ends. I seem to repeat myself a lot when offering support when a survivor is first out of her relationshit.
      First, psychopaths don’t change. Secondly, she’s in for what you were in for. The only difference between you and she, is personality, and whether or not she’s much more dependent. Perhaps she is willing to put up with more abuse then you were. That’s the thing with these relationships. Women (and men) automatically assume that the psychopath changes with someone else. This is FANTASY, FANTASY, FANTASY. It’s the SAME bullshit of goods that he tried to sell you in the beginning, but it worked,right? It got you into the relationship. These relationships last as long as A. the victim is willing to put up with the abuse, some will put up with it for a long time. If a survivor sees her ex married to the same woman after years, it’s not because ‘she’ is better than the survivor was, but merely that SHE has issues of her own that keep her in the cycle of abuse and dependence, that keep her addicted to him, and we never really know what the new victim’s issues are. B. the relationship ends, because the psychopath has decided his ‘needs’ have changed and another victim will give it to him. In my situation and with my observances of my ex on his dating sites and the women he pursued, were all lonely divorcees or widowed…WITH MONEY. It didn’t matter to him what she looked like, none of that mattered, what mattered is what he could GET from her. Highly in debt and paying child support and losing half his retirement to his ex, meant it was time to hook up with a woman willing to pay all of his bills and contribute to his debt removal. His victim is very, very vulnerable, has shame based issues, is overweight and very insecure about it. Don’t ask me how I know, but a recent run in with someone who did and shared this information (I didn’t ask, but I also didn’t tell her NOT to tell me), was just more validation in what I already KNEW…they need willing victims, who will remain in denial, who will put up with their abuse.

      Thank God you are no longer exposed to that. Believe it or not, Rookie, there are victims in the world who will overlook anything and everything to remain with a man. I’m glad you were cut loose, because in a very real sense, you were FREED from more devastation and trauma….

  12. Lou says:

    Amazing read! I am currently going through this and as I have kids to my ex have to hear all about his new lady! I have questioned myself for years about my instincts about who he is! But he does fit all the criteria! He plays games telling my daughter his girlfriends name and low and behold pics of them both looking so happy on social media, he’d actually taken her to the very same place he’d tsken ME when we first dated! It’s slmost like he wanted me to see this! He never introduced this women to our kids either and is now engaged, all this in a year of me ending it with him after 10 yrs of pure hell!
    I lay awake at night or dream of them together it’s total torture! Yet out of the blue I will receive a random text from him telling me he’s been to so and so today! Odd! This man enjoys bring immature!

    • No, he’s psychopathic!
      If I had a dime for every survivor who tells me that the ex is posting pics of his new love all over social media, I’d be out of poverty LOL!

      This is so very predictable. I don’t know what you’re thinking of them together, but what’s interesting to me about this is that survivors will think of him with the new victim but visualizing what it was like for the survivor and he at the BEGINNING….

      So try to work on thinking about every HELLISH situation he has put you in the last ten years, replace with HER in your shoes. Not so good, is it? :)

  13. swazisarah says:

    Best article on what a relationship with a narcissist is really like. I left mine last month after the physical abuse started and found out he was cheating. This weekend he is taking her to meet his entire family at a wedding that I was supposed to go to. It’s so easy to feel bad for myself but the reality is a healthy adult wouldn’t move at warp speed. Thanks for the reminder and also driving home the point that it’s ok to take time to process the trauma we have been through.

  14. swazisarah says:

    Best article on what a relationship with a narcissist is really like. I left mine last month after the physical abuse started and found out he was cheating. This weekend he is taking her to meet his entire family at a wedding that I was supposed to go to. It’s so easy to feel bad for myself but the reality is a healthy adult wouldn’t move at warp speed. Thanks for the reminder and also driving home the point that it’s ok to take time to process the trauma we have been through.

  15. DeAna says:

    14 years..13 married and 5 kids between us…lived it every day and still can’t wrap my head around it. He walked out on us 2 months ago. Is holding me financially hostage trying to get me to agree to terms of a divorce that do nothing but benefit him. Not happening! His new supply is younger and so needy I almost feel sorry for her, almost. He moved us in a new house told all his friends what a great life he had and then bam 6 weeks after our 13th wedding anniversary left a note on my pillow telling me he wanted out. Then told me I should have been thankful for the letter because he doesn’t write them. WTF! I gave him everything, and I mean everything. I’m now the abuser and only after the money. I’ve been lied to, cheated on repeatedly, manipulated, used and abused emotionally. I’ve made excuses for him, covered up his mistakes, and lied to myself and everyone else about how great he was. I was so foolish to believe he would ever do the right thing or take responsibility for anything he did. I raised our kids, took care of every detail of our married life so he could run his business and not have something else to worry about. Wow, reading this was helpful. I’ve been struggling with trying to understand any of this. We still have two under 14 at home and I have to deal with him because of them. I wish there was a no contact possibility. Watching him come to pick them up in his new clothes and jewelry and acting like I never happened is like a knife to the gut. I stopped reaching out to him Christmas when I was told I gave up too easy and that he’s moved on and is confident in his decision to leave. My hair has fallen out, I’ve lost 42 pounds and my health was an issue but getting it to good now. I doubt myself and decisions every day, I’m on anti depressants and still back and forth to the doctor every month for more lab work. He’s the victim. Ha!!!

    • An says:

      The same here. Allthough I have 3 kids and we weren’t married. I am the bad guy who doesn’t let him see the kids. The truth is he was neglecting them when they were there, but he tells everybody he can’t see them, allthough he had full custody. I recognize the doubting myself and feeling depressive. He lies about everything so easily. He can’t pay for the kids because he has no money or says he doesn’t see the kids so he doesn’t have to pay. He goes on holidays with the new girls and they are so very happy…. Then he denies that also when I ask him for money. They hurt you so deep down and pretend like nothing happened and it is all about their needs. They are the victim. And everybody around them believes that. That is the most sick part. Everybody knew he was hitting me and his friends just took his side.

  16. Robyn says:

    God, the things these people do and get away with is so frustrating. And yet, after 4 years off and on with mine, (and him recently ensuring that I know he is apparently doing great with his new job, (7 years unemployed and 4 of those with me), and new girlfriend who is a Psychiatrist no less!! Here I am again today, willing myself to get something done but still sitting here on my computer reading about the crap that people like my ex do to lots of other gentle, loving women.
    Grrrrrrr

    • Robyn, LOL…grrrrr is right, but it will pass….it’s our brains trying to wrap around the unthinkable…when in reality all we can really do is just learn to accept that individuals like this exist (in droves unfortunately), and work on ourselves in the process…wishing you peace…

  17. I got out of a relationship with a Narc on Christmas eve. Throughout our relationship, I knew he was abusing me emotionally and mentally and even though we were only together 4 months, about 1.5 months into the relationship I had screenshots saved of things like “calling someone crazy is abusive” or “telling someone their too sensitive is abusive” and in my research from those early months the word “narcissist” came up a few times, but I kept dismissing it. UNTIL we broke up. Then I started reading about dating a narcissist and he fits almost EVERY category.

    From the beginning there was a TON of what I now know is “love-bombing.” I was a woman who did not have any boundaries, and as you mentioned, you’re toast to a narc. ON the first date, he pressured me into being intimate and even though I said no a few times and said we shouldn’t, I let it happen anyways. From there, about 2 weeks later, he told me he was in love with me… then 3 days after that slept with another woman. She told me 2 days after it happened, and I ended things with him… but then he came back begging for forgiveness, telling me how much he loved me (it had been less than a month since we MET!) and literally crying and balling his eyes out in front of me. Eventually I took him back with conditions. But when my hurt from him cheating on me and the jealousy would get too much for him, he would turn around and blame ME for what happened! He would always take things I told him and throw them in my face. He once said that it was my fault that the guys I dated treated me like shit. Of course, there were always apologies and crying and tears later on, and he would always ask “Do you love me?” and I would say yes, and he would say then I had to forgive him, or else that isn’t love, and if I didn’t love him we couldn’t be together.

    By 3 months, I had given up so much for this jerk. I had stopped talking to certain people. He was telling me what I was allowed to wear, and what I was allowed to post on social media. If I posted something he didn’t like, he would threaten me and say “delete that or we’re OVER.” He constantly made jabs about my past, then called me too sensitive when I couldn’t take a joke. He hated the fact that I was good friends with my daughter’s father. He brought up things I would tell him in confidence and use them against me, so eventually I stopped confiding in him. He told me I had to be a stay at home Mom (I’m in law school) and that I wasn’t christian enough for him. And when we’d fight he’d call me a bitch and tell me how unreasonable I was being when I would demand empathy. He told me that him criticizing me was just “him expressing his opinion” and he would be damned if he would be in a relationship where he couldn’t express his opinion.

    But from early on he love bombed me and told me everything I wanted to hear – that he loved my daughter and that he wanted to marry me. He told me he didn’t believe in soul mates before me and that he never wanted to live without me. I realize now that healthy people don’t do that and I was also being unhealthy because I thought that the jealousy and the control and the falling in love so quickly just meant that he loved me so much and that I was the one.

    Well, I lied to him and once he found that out around Thanksgiving it was all downhill from there. He constantly reminded me that what I did (lying) was messed up and that I was basically unforgivable. I would point out all the ways he manipulated me and he would either invalidate them by taking back his responsibility in the situation, or he would flat out say that it didn’t happen. He constantly held it against me, and used it to push me away. Typical narc fashion, he could do no wrong, but as soon as I wronged him, it was over. The disvalue phase had already been going on for 3 months, and now that was time for the discard phase. After that, he began going hot and cold until Christmas eve. So in a months time (between thanksgiving and Christmas eve) he told me I could move in to his house with him, and then took it back…. TWICE. He looked at engagement rings and said he was planning to propose, then took that back. He told me my daughter & I could come to meet his family in Seattle, then the week before Xmas, he canceled that too. I was so confused on how he could do one thing, and then turn around and do another. Well, after logging into his social media accounts, I realized he had been talking to and flirting with another girl… get this… FROM CHURCH!!! What a great christian man he espoused to be. The whole week before Christmas I barely heard from him and apparently he had been going to a bunch of “church events” which I suddenly wasn’t invited to… suspicious looking back. She was either there, or it was a date. During his road trip he barely spoke to me and spent all his time talking to her. Finally, on Xmas eve morning, he added her on instagram and then deleted ALL our recent (post-thanksgiving) pictures… which tells me he probably told the new girl that we had been broken up for a few weeks. I called him on this and he admitted to flirting with her (which later during a fight he took back, and then told me i was badgering him into admitting it… such bullshit).

    Well we break up and he spends the next week he is in seattle subsequently telling me he misses me and loves me and that he’s over me. He drives back on New Years Eve and you know who his date is? New girl. Apparently ever since then they’ve been inseparable. He started posting pics of her on instagram LITERALLY 13 days POST-BREAKUP. And she changed her relationship status on Facebook LITERALLY 15 days POST BREAKUP. Who gets into a new relationship 15 days after a breakup with a woman who you 1. said you were going to propose to, so much so that you looked at rings, and 2. told her daughter to call you “daddy-Brett” (I swear to God!) and 3. Showed her daughter a picture of the “sparkly ring” and 4. asked her daughter if she wants a brother or a sister? Like… how can someone move on that fast? Now he’s changed all his profile pics to pics of him and her and it’s been literally less than a month since I last slept with him. it’s insanity.

    Your blog has been a huge help knowing that I’m SO better off without this piece of crap. He is unhealthy, abusive, and it’s sad to see him love-bombing someone else into the same game. She is SUPER CHRISTIAN (which he always claimed to be as well), and now he is posting christian quotes and stuff online (which he NEVER DID before) and I have a feeling she may be “the one” for him, since his fights with me were always about the fact i “didn’t see life through a christian lens.” I know for myself that a healthy man would not move on that fast. I mean, he didn’t move on that fast post-breakup, he really moved on that fast PRE-BREAKUP. So he cheated on me, made sure he had another supply coming in, and then dropped me like I was NOTHING.

    • I’m so sorry for your experience, but as I read this, I thought to myself “She’s going to be OKAY”. You really are. You have a good grasp of who this man is and that he’s not going to change. They like their woman very submissive, naive and vulnerable. The one that ‘wins’ with this guy, Is really in for a lot of PAIN. Christian women are particularly vulnerable to psychopaths and as well, psychopaths use Christianity to lure more victims. It may be that this new victim is submissive enough to buy into all of his bullshit not question his behavior believe all that he says. The stuff he puts online is a CROCK. He hasn’t changed at all, with the exception of a new mask he’s wearing for someone else, according to HER needs, etc.

      HOw can he move on so fast? The same way he moved IN so fast with you. People are just utilities to them. Sex means nothing except as a means to an end. That’s all. A total utility.

      I’m so glad you escaped this man and were aware enough that something was very wrong. THe only thing I could suggest that you ask yourself is what made you vulnerable to letting him into your life. Loneliness, single for a long time, bored and needing the company? I mean so many vulnerabilities they play on. Once you answer that question, you’ll be much better at spotting them before they invade. Love bombing is the manipulation phase of the relationship, when in reality it’s exploitation that bears the mark of a psychopath. Manipulation has a kind of unintentional sort of meaning to it, while exploitation removes all doubt. It’s interesting how these relationships suddenly change the meaning of words, making them so much more profound…

      Wishing you tons of peace and lots of good luck in law school!

    • chaitov says:

      It is so sad they are all the same! I can relate to this last poster. My ex psycho picked out an engagement ring with my daughter whom he helped raise,to turn around and abandon us both to take up with an 18 year old and married her 13 days post or pre breakup. I was still wearing tgus ring when I saw all their pics on Facebook. It gutted me. But, this is what psychpaths do. It really is the worst when our poor innocent children are involved. Hell he married a child and I can’t even warn her of the monster she married. Its so sickening!

    • chaitov says:

      It is so sad they are all the same! I can relate to this last poster. My ex psycho picked out an engagement ring with my daughter whom he helped raise,to turn around and abandon us both to take up with an 18 year old and married her 13 days post or pre breakup. I was still wearing this ring when I saw all their pics on Facebook. It gutted me. But, this is what psychpaths do. It really is the worst when our poor innocent children are involved. Hell he married a child and I can’t even warn her of the monster she married. Its so sickening!

  18. Kremy says:

    I read the whole thing and I thought: ,,Jesus,that was my relationship!” I’d like to share my story,because I think there are some of you who are in my shoes right now…

    So I met him online on a website,where I was looking for sex.(huge red flag,they are literally hunting women online!) I didn’t want to have a relationship,I just wanted fun after years of single life after my last bf. We met,it was great,but it wasn’t love at first sight,I would have never text him again,but hey,he texted me. He said it was wonderful with me and he just wants to meet me again and he can’t wait.
    I said no for 2 months. But he was charming and intelligent and really good looking,so I eventually said yes. And it has begun. Our first dates were wonderful,we talked for hours,laughed,texted all day,I loved it. And I fell in love in 2 weeks. Deeply in love. He asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship exclusively with him. Everything went really fast and I knew it. That was our first argument,he said: ,,Why are you so cold,I love you,please don’t be so distant!” I said sorry. And I believed him and gave him everything.
    After 2 months of dating we visited my parents in another country. I introduced him, he slept in the bedroom in our old house,I told him stories I never told anybody. I trusted him with everything. It was great with him,he helped me with a lot of things, he seemed like a gentleman,etc.
    I see the signs I didn’t see back then: he was always late, but had no remorse because of it. He never said sorry for anything or if he did, it was false and I knew after a while, how does it seem, if he lies. He hated his job, he thought everybody is an idiot except for him. He had problems with money, he spent too much, but didn’t pay taxes and he said it is not his fault…

    After 6 months I’ve had a hunch, that he is cheating, so I started to look for things. Well I found him on 2 websites. He lied. And he said: ,,Well what are you doing on these sites,maybe you are the one who is cheating,blabla.” Then I found messages on his phone to another woman. He lied again and he threw me out in the middle of the night,because he said he can’t trust me anymore and he won’t leave me alone in his apartment. I cried and begged him to let me in. I was feeling guilty for nothing.
    That was the time where things went from wrong to horrible. I was depressed and I wanted to get out but I couldn’t. Once I found underwear from another women in his laundry. He shouted at me. Why am I searching through his stuff, am I crazy, they are just from his ex, what is MY problem?!
    I felt crazy,yes. I broke up with him.
    The next day he wrote me a love letter and he almost cried. Of course I believed him, but this crazy shit went on and on.
    The last time I saw him I found a razor and tampons in his bathroom and they weren’t mine. I asked him about it. He threw them away and started to lie. I sat there crying my eyes out and he did nothing. He looked at me with big eyes and lied. And we had sex. How crazy is that??? He could always manipulate me with sex,it was one of his best weapons.
    After that he went to take a shower (just like that..) and I opened his drawers. There was a photo of him and a woman and a postcard from September. (from the week where he supposed to work in another city. Well he didn’t) And other things they weren’t mine.
    My whole world was crashing down. He came out of the bathroom and guess what. He shouted at me,closed the drawer and threw me out again. At 9AM he said he loves me and plans his future with me,at 9.30AM he was furious, threw me out and never spoke to me again. Does a normal person do something like this? NO.

    But this time I didn’t go back. I cried all way back home. I wrote him an email after a week to say goodbye,tell him he was hurting me and fuck him and that was all.
    I was at home for 2 weeks,because I couldn’t work. I couldn’t eat. I was laying in bed and just cried. I felt like dying. I was drinking and vomiting all day long. I won’t lie,it was hell,but it was my hell and i had to do it on my own.
    It’s been 5 weeks and I’m going to therapy next week to understand the situation, getting my anger treated right and getting help to move on. And I have to take an STD test,because I don’t know,with how many woman he slept with. It’s terrible, that I’m the one getting through this, but it has to be done and I’ll be stronger than ever.

    And about the no contact thing. Yes,it is the only solution. I never texted him since then and I never will. Of course I want to,but how would it help me?? If you want to contact a psychopath, play the scenario first in your head. Think about the situations where he manipulated you and humiliated you. I want answers too, but I have to deal with it, that I’ll never get them, because he only lies.
    I have bad days when I miss him. I think about the beautiful days we spent together. I cherish them after all, because I was truly happy on those days. Then I think about the things he has done to me and I know,that I have to let go and let the memories be memories.
    We were together a year. I can’t imagine spending long years with a psychopath. I don’t want that life,that pain,that suffering. A relationship never should make you feel depressed or crazy. And love is never forced and manipulated. Move on, get help, get over it and find a person, who is the right choice. Maybe the sex will be never that mindblowing and you won’t get an engagement ring in a year,but it’ll be worth it, trust me. I hope I’ll get there one day.

  19. Cindy says:

    I first want to say Thank you as reading this article and the stories every day has helped me go NC for 5 weeks so far. Yay!!! I also want to let all these women know that no matter what these narcs say I think I knew from the beginning that my narcs exes were not bad people. That it was his opinion. He called his ex wife a $&@: bag a d said she ruined his credit, . Katie Holmes seems like a lovely, Christian woman. I think most women in their hearts and heads know that when a man tells us his ex was crazy or boring or ruined his credit or just wanted him for sex our sane minds begin to question them. I want to share my story as it has a positive ending and might be helpful.
    My marriage was in a bad place when I changed jobs. I was hoping to make things better by working closer to home. My husband had told me he didn’t love me anymore so we were like roommates. I met the Narc at new job. He was younger but divorced with children so I thought more mature. We connected right away because we both had children and found we had a lot in common. The love bombing ensued and I was hooked. We had a few amazing dates. Still nice memories but that’s really it. He promised we’d care for our kids together, we’d cook for eachother each night, run baths for eachother etc. we talked about the house we dreamed of. He was so easy to talk to and he listened…something my husband and I no longer did. I moved out with my children and got an apartment. We started mediation and filed for separation. Then I went out with a friend one night to tell her about him and how excited I was and it started. Text after text. He said he was at the restaurant we were at and he didn’t see me. I asked if he was there he should have said hi as I would have loved that. He accused me of lying and cheating. After that there was the pushing and pulling. Every day that was great was followed by accusations of me lying, cheating, not loving him enough and not getting separated fast enough. I took 3 days off from work to complete the separation by a deadline he gave me – June. I left in March. I was so upset. Here I was, a Christian girl who thought I just screwed up with my first spouse and I was about to get it right and something had gone so wrong. My husband had put the house up for sale so the mediation agreement had to be rewritten. I didn’t meet the deadline. That night I was texted with messages calling me every name in the book. The C word, the P word etc. it was my fault we were over. I cried all night but I knew I shouldn’t stay with someone who swore at me. I was prepared to break it off but then my Mom called. She told me I was a hussy and I was disgracing myself and my children. I was now that 12 year old little girl again who felt like nothing. I took him back knowing that I was a bad child and therefore I must have treated him badly too. See how that works? I grew up with Christian guilt. I was bad unless I made others happy. The next day he told me sorry and that he was in tears. We were off again and on again. He needed breaks then he loved me. I was beautiful, kind, sweet. I apologized. I was awful. He told me I treated him like a side toy. I was faithful to him. 100%. I was a virgin until I got married. I was not a cheater. The mask continued to come off he told me he could get anyone and I was lucky to have him. I met his children and they were so sweet. I told him how much it meant. When I asked him to meet mine he said I didn’t discipline them well enough. He had other women on FB he told me he would screw if I didn’t It hurt. My daughter was 3 and I felt so guilty about raising them without a man in their lives. I believed I was a bad mother. he told me my ex didnt want my sh&@ either. We broke up again and I bought a house. He was going to help me move and paint but we all know how that went. I did it myself. I was starting to find my strength again and he got hurt. I felt bad and took him back. Then A woman at work showed me that he texted her to ask her if she was single a few days after i was with him. i asked him why and again the rage. It was my fault. $&@”ing women are all the same and we can’t keep our mouths shut. I apologized again. A few days later that woman was hospitalized with a nervous breakdown and had to quit. He told me again he was sorry. He said he was broken and pushed people away. He had no friends. He wanted to accept my love but he couldnt. It broke ny heart. Then he told me to copy him in an email telling my ex-husband i would never see him again. That would prove to the narc that i loved him. I did it but – it wasnt enough. I never loved him enough. But I did. The best I could. We went out a few more times and he asked if he could live with me. I said no. Said i loved him so much but i felt like i treated him so badly. We went out once more and had a nice time but I knew something was up. He told me while we were in bed he was working on getting a girl at work who blew him off. A month later they were living together and she posted on Facebook they had been together while we were still. That same week a girl at work took me out to tell me he was cheating with her the entire time we were together. Broken, afraid, alone…I turned back to him. Began fulfilling all his sick desires over the phone just to hear him say something positive again. He did here and there. Maybe when she and he fought but he never left her. He’d send me pics of himself with little on except a necklace I’m sure she gave him. There he was in her home sending me pics of him doing things that I knew weren’t right and I was ok with it. I was sick. I knew it but I was working ft, raising children, too busy for therapy. Then a social worker friend told me he was borderline. I began reading and everything said to be nice to them, tell them positive things. So I did. It equaled me giving more sexually. I made time for therapy and was told he is a narcissist. I didn’t want to believe it. Then I started reading. Everything I could. He was textbook. I still couldn’t stop. I prayed and read. I went back to church. I connected with my husband again. I apologized and told him everything. He forgave me. He apologized as well. We agreed to go back to church and to work on, if nothing else, friendship. A few days later, I ran into the ex with her.. Me with my beautiful girls. He asked me to never speak to him again that night. Told me he didn’t care who I was with. I had one lapse as did he but it has been some time. I feel like God was there that day. Had that not happened I’d still be hooked. My advice is read this every day. Love the people in your life who love and care for you. Focus on them and yourself. Pray. And go NC. Your life is better than theirs. It is. You raise children, you work, you are beautiful, you have morals and integrity, you are not a cheater or a slut. You just loved the wrong person. Someone who knew from the beginning that although they wanted to in a sick way – they NEVER deserved you

    • Kremy says:

      At first I have to say that I’m not religious,I don’t believe in God. BUT I totally understand what you are saying. I’ve had the feeling that life itself gave me a couple of situations,where I realized that this is really wrong and I have to get out.
      And yes, we are better!! We are capable of love, shame, regret, we don’t change our emotions like the weather change itself. We have respect for others. And we are not pathological liars.

      And I have to use a quote: ,, We accept the love we think we deserve,” That’s why they are hunting for women with problems and with low self-esteem,they can manipulate us.
      But I can promise you, that if you are strong and get help, you’ll get through this.
      For me it’s been 7 weeks and I’m not saying, that I’m fine, I have bad days and no self-esteem, but I know,that I am better. I feel myself prettier again and people smile at me on the street or compliment me. And they did it before, but I never saw it, because all I saw was him. All that mattered was his opinion. My colleague told me yesterday that he likes me since I work there (5 months..) and I didn’t notice until last week.
      And it never has to be this way. A relationship should never ever drag you down. It shouldn’t be totally crazy. Tell yourself that if you wanna contact him.

      • Cindy says:

        Thank you so much!! 7 weeks – Congratulations. I have those too. Those weak moments. I tell myself that’s what makes me human. I remember terrible things he said or have to see the girl he cheated on me with at work and my self esteem drops a bit. They are fleeting now though where they use to last days sometimes. I had my first dream the other night that he wasnt. Every day gets better. I hope for you as well!

  20. Gail says:

    Thanks so much for this article and all the stories from survivors. I really can relate, as I’m still living with a psychopath and have been for almost 20yrs. I left my husband of 22 yrs for him unfortunately and lost everything. I feel so ashamed and can’t believe what I did to my poor husband and 2 children. When I realised that he was not normal and tried to tell my family…they weren’t interested or just didn’t believe me. My kids and my ex have emigrated and I’m stuck with this man with no family for support. I am 61 now and can’t find a job and am completly dependent on him and live a lonely miserable life, as he is never home. He lives his own life and I’m just his maid and convenience. I’m so desperate! I want to leave, but have nowhere to go.
    Lots of luck to the lucky survivors that managed to escape.
    Gail

  21. Jacqueline says:

    So here’s my ‘venting’ story – it’s a bit long, but very entertaining and worth reading.

    I was in an ‘amazing’ relationship with a sociopath – just ended about 2 weeks ago after a ‘beautiful’ 5 months. My story is a bit different, but nonetheless, I found out he was a sociopath when he got caught red-handed by his ‘ex’ GF who actually wasn’t his ‘ex’ (‘crazy ex’ I might add – seems like they all say that about their ‘exes’). This guy was good – REALLY, REALLY good. A master manipulator. He had played this game before with several women. Lured me in with expensive gifts, flowers, dinners, he even took me on a beautiful, MAGICAL once-in-a-lifetime weekend getaway topped off with an all-out shopping spree! He spent so much money on me. I would mention something that I wanted very nonchalantly – the next day he would buy it and bring it to my house as a surprise. He was always fixing and ‘helping’ with things I needed. He must have spent thousands of dollars on me – literally.

    He made me beautiful meals as well. He impressed me with his cooking skills. We were ALWAYS together – if two days went by without us seeing each other it just didn’t feel right. (I still don’t understand how he was able to pull off the double life) He even introduced me to his 2 girls and his family, and he my kids as well. He met my friends and I met some of his. We were ALWAYS playing cards and games, watching movies, working out together (training for upcoming marathons), seeing shows, going to nice dinners and having nothing but fun. We even rang in the new year together at a fancy party and shared a loving kiss at midnight.
    He lured me in with his good looks, sense of style, quick wit and intelligence. When we were out and about, people would literally come up to us to tell us what a beautiful couple we were. They even offered to take pictures of us when they saw us trying to take ‘selfies’. Love was in the air and everyone could see it – it was as if we were floating around in this beautiful ‘love bubble’ and everyone around us could feel it. It was truly a beautiful feeling and beautiful time. I would tell him that he was my ‘precious gift’ from the universe. It was truly a fairly tale.

    We talked about everything under the sun. We had developed quite a strong friendship during our relationship (Or so I thought). I had NEVER had a relationship like this before before – no one had ever treated me like this – like a queen. All this after he ASSURED me he was done with his ‘crazy ex’ – who was the woman he was seeing ‘before’ me. (I say ‘before’ sarcastically because later come to find out he was cheating on me the entire time with her). His story was that she supposedly wasn’t ‘over’ him and even threatened to kill herself after she got pregnant and had an abortion because at the time they were ‘broken up’. He said she would call him from time to time because she just couldn’t take the pain. He said she just couldn’t get over him & she was becoming a pest. I didn’t really like how that sounded – sounded like a soap opera to me & I didn’t want to be involved in any part of that, nevertheless, I trusted him and figured he was so into me – and that she was just a ‘crazy ex-GF’ just like he said. I brushed it off because, as I said, he treated me like a QUEEN. I had NO reason to believe he was lying based on his actions. He was NEVER late for anything, never stood me up. He just did everything PERFECTLY right! He made me believe that she was the crazy one, (common tactic of sociopaths and narcissists) while in reality, he was the one who was crazy!

    Not one day would go by without him texting me and emailing me telling me how much he’s missing me and can’t wait to see me again and how I’m so wonderful and he’s so lucky to have me and how he’s looking forward to our future together. He showered me with love and affection. I used to call him ‘The BBE’ – which stood for “the best boyfriend ever”. He would even send me these ‘relationship exercises’ via email – trying to make me think he was serious about our relationship. I constantly told him how sweet & thoughtful he was & how lucky I was to have him – he would say “No, I’m the lucky one my dear. I never would have thought in a million years that I would be given such a beautiful woman to love.”

    He was always making these fabulous plans for us – we had our entire year planned out. We even had a ‘bucket list’ and a travel fund. He kept putting $$ into the travel fund, so I really, really thought he was serious about us and our future. He would even drive 1/2 during lunch time to meet me for my lunch break (did this several times). I gave him my complete trust and heart and soul. He never, ever treated me badly or abusive. (I didn’t get far enough in the relationship to see his bad side). He was nothing but nice to me and treated me like a queen. He had me on the highest pedastol known to man. I was literally in heaven. I genuinely thought he was ABSOLUTELY CRAZY about me! I thought – wow, this is REAL love, beautiful love, between two grown adults. This is how it’s supposed to be! I’m FINALLY experiencing it! I thought WOW – this is the real deal! Although I had no intentions of getting married (I’m divorced), I did see potential in a long-term relationship and he would always say jokingly “you’re stuck with me”.

    I am a strong, confident, intelligent, very attractive woman – so I was never ‘needy’ and I always showed him my confidence and intelligence. He told me I was “too beautiful” or “Too sexy” on a daily basis – literally. And since I know I’m attractive – I totally bought into this and this boosted my ego! I would catch him staring at me in awe and he always said ‘You’re so beautiful’. (BEWARE OF THIS ADORATION/STARING TACTIC!)
    When we were ‘making love’ he would stop in between the strokes to hold my face in the most loving, caring manner, look DEEP into my eyes (BEWARE OF THIS!) and tell me he loved me – over and over again. I actually thought I was ‘making love’ for the first time in my life and bonding with someone on a whole different level. I was on Cloud 9.

    Fast forward to 2 weeks ago – We’re at his apartment watching a movie after playing an entertaining game of Pictionary with his daughter. His home phone rings – he bolts up to pick it up and goes into his bedroom (didn’t close the door). What I heard was a lot of one word answers on his part and I knew something was not right – I got ‘that feeling’ in the pit of my stomach that something was going on. I did notice that he was speaking to the person over the phone in a very discounting and demeaning manner. He finally came back out to the couch to continue the movie. I asked if everything is OK – he just brushed it off and said he’d deal with it tomorrow. I asked who was on the phone and just said ‘just garbage – nevermind. It’s not important. I’ll deal with that tomorrow’. I still felt something was about to go down.

    Five minutes later – the ‘garbage/crazy ex’ POUNDED on the door. He jumped up and went out to her in the hallway outside. That’s when my heart fell in the pit of my stomach. My heart was beating so rapidly I thought I was going to faint. I knew that everything – our beautiful love story – the love story that I thought I was in with a ‘normal’ person, was instantly about to be over. I heard her screaming and yelling at him, hitting him, slapping him, all the while he was just very stoic and demeaning, quiet, etc. She kept saying why didn’t I come out to meet her – why was he hiding me? Mind you, she was hysterical at this point, so I was scared. I wanted to go out and see what was going on, but in the state she was in I really thought she might attack me, so I decided to stay in and look through the peephole and listen to the craziness. In her madness, she proceeded to call him out – “Does she know that you’ve been f*cking both of us at the same time? Does she know we just f*cked this past Thursday? Does she know about all the texts and emails you’ve been sending me? You took us to all the same places!” His response was “Yeah, she knows know. So the damage is done. Are you happy now? You just f*cked everything up for me. Can you just leave now?” She proceeded: “You’re a liar & a cheater. You are disgusting. You will never love anyone but yourself. You will never be happy. You will be miserable for the rest of your life. You are not a man – you are a child! You are a piece of sh*t. I hope you’re happy with her.” She finally left after about 15 minutes of craziness.
    Weird thing is – he proceeded to go right back to the couch to finish watching the movie as if nothing happened! I grabbed his arm and led him to the bedroom while we talked. He admitted SOME of the story – but his version is very different from the ‘crazy ex’s’ who I was able to contact the next day.
    He said they’d been friends for a long time before they become lovers (confirmed and true). He said she just could not get over him and kept coming over so he could console her – and that’s when ‘one thing led to another’ and they would just end up f*cking. This happened several times during the time we were together. He said he felt guilty every time and told her they needed to stop doing this. (I didn’t believe that for a minute).

    Next day I was able to find her email address and I sent her a long email explaining my side. She told me they were friends for about 10 years and then they became lovers about a year ago. They had a big fight and had ‘broken up’ but quickly reconciled about five months prior. Comparing notes, when they ‘broke up’ was when he met me and started a ‘relationship’ with me. When I met him, he did mention that he had recently broken up with someone because it just didn’t work out. “How long ago?” I asked. “About a month ago”. BIG. RED. FLAG! I remember him telling me “Hey, when it’s over, it’s over.” I thought that was weird but kept going forward & thought nothing of it. I also knew he had been divorced TWICE (thought nothing of it) – but later I found out that he got married to his second wife MONTHS after getting divorced from the first one. I found that odd as well – but he was so wonderful, of course I just thought, well I’m sure that’s happened to other people before.

    He was seeing & sleeping with us the entire time – even taking her to family functions while I was sitting at home like a fool not suspecting ANYTHING! We found out that sometimes he would even see us both in the SAME DAY! One right after the other! She told me he told her loved her on a daily basis and how beautiful she was and how no one could compare to her. They talked/texted & emailed every day. (VERY, VERY different picture from the one he had painted of her being the ‘crazy ex’) At one point she had seen a picture that I posted on FB on New Year’s Day ‘My first meal of the new year’ which was a homemade waffle breakfast he made me at his place. Because I’m a very private person, I never mentioned his name or posted any pictures of us together. She saw the picture and recognized the plates, the table, and the place mats. She brought it to his attention and he said that he had been seeing me but that he was going to stop seeing me because he was not happy! Lies, lies and more lies.
    All he did was lie during our entire relationship. Now that I realize he’s a sociopath, I know he never really loved me either – he was just mirroring my feelings and actions. He has no feelings. He is a sick, twisted man.

    Going back to that dreaded night two weeks ago when everything came crashing down – I was very calm as we talked. It was over. He got caught. I told him how my heart is crushed and how could he do this to me. All he could say was he was sorry – that’s about it. He just kept looking on the ground and didn’t show much remorse. As I asked him how he was able to do this to me, he said “I’m not like most people. I’m able to compartmentalize my life into different parts”. I was like HUH? To me, that sounded crazy – and later found out yes it is, because he’s CRAZY! As I grabbed my bag to leave, he just had this stupid, childish look on his face like a little boy who got caught with his hand in the candy jar. I left, devastated, humiliated, embarrassed, hurt, very confused, etc.

    Every day that goes by is easier – I did some extensive research on situations like this (don’t we all) with sociopaths and triangulation techniques. I came across this site and wanted to share my experience, hoping it will help others. It was beautiful while it lasted – but it’s still hard to have to admit to myself that it was all just a beautiful fantasy I was having with myself. I do believe there were moments where he might have actually felt what his warped version of ‘love’ is, but he had no idea what it was or what to do with it because his feelings are not like ‘normal’ people’s feelings. I mean, I thought I actually felt his feelings – looking back, those were my feelings that he was just mirroring back to me. Sad.

    The lesson I learned from this is in the future, I will not trust anyone too quickly. Adoration and ‘love bombing’ are pure tactics to make them addicted to you. Whenever someone says they have a ‘crazy ex’ – that’s a HUGE RED FLAG! I will trust my gut instinct. I vow to never be sucked into a fantasy relationship with a sociopath again!

    She told me that she was ‘done’ with him. This was not the first time he had cheated on her. She said he had caused her extreme misery, pain and suffering and she was not going to allow him to play with her emotions any longer. I hope this is true – however, I have a strong feeling they have reconciled and are back together right now, and I actually feel bad for her.

    Although he got caught and everything was instantly over, he discarded me like ‘garbage’. Once he got caught, he acted like he didn’t know me – like those five months meant nothing (because to him, they didn’t). Didn’t try calling, texting, emailing, apologizing, etc. That was all done …. on to his next ‘victim’. After about a week, he reached out to me via email professing his love for me – said he let his stupid mistakes get in the way of the beautiful love story we had. I don’t believe one word of it. I have not responded and never will. I never want to see him or speak to him again after the extreme hurt and pain he put me through then discarded me like I don’t exist. I’m grateful that it was only 5 months of my life and not longer.

    This experience has affected me for the rest of my life. I know eventually I will get over it. With each day it gets better. I now know the signs to look out for in the future.

    • Jacqueline,

      Like WOW! Your comment is a perfect description of how the psychopath targets his victims. I’m very grateful that you shared your story. I’m sorry for the outcome you experienced with this man, but from what I’m reading here, your willingness to see everything as it was, including the behavior out of the ex, with the courage to communicate with her to get the truth and to understand the ‘crazy’ you saw (her REACTIONS are VERY common out of victims,as the psychopath intentionally creates those reactions via HIS behavior and lies) and your willingness NOT to allow him to further BS you. You are indeed very fortunate to have been with him such a short time and had the strength to free yourself from his web.

      I hope more survivors will read your comment and find their own inspiration to see the truth, trust themselves and remove the psychopath from their lives. What you experienced with love bombing and his over attentiveness and flattery, is what victims tend to get stuck on because the ‘high’ from the initial love bombing is incredibly strong. Healthy men do not do what this man did to you. You did a beautiful job in describing not only the holes in his story, but also in recognizing how his behavior was merely a reflection in mirroring YOUR fantasy. This tends to keep victims plugged in, not realizing that the psychopath doesn’t have to do a whole lot of work when the victim is filling in the gaps of the fantasy he initiates. Very thought provoking post and thank you again for sharing your story.

    • vicky says:

      I am sooo amazed at your story..although ive read so many other storeis tours is EXACTLY like mine.even the durance of the relationship..i reached out to her but she never replied…she just left him but he went crawling back to her and they are back together and he doesnt even have the decency to hide his lies from me!!! Yesterday he posted a pic of them havinbg a refreshing trip to London…my story is this:

      I broke up with him (the beginning of December)..luckily i only stayed in that relationship for four months! He first approached me saying that he is about to break up with his girlfriend (out of 11 years ) and asked me to go out with him but although i was really attracted to him at first place (amazingly handsome, 34 years old, lawyer etc.) i said no because i didnt want to get into trouble..he was insisting on me trying to persuade me to go out but i was still rock and told him that i dont want to get to know him while he stiill hasnt figured out whether he wants this girlfrind in his life… so later he approached me and told me that they broke up so we went out on a date (even though i knew that he was probably liying about the break up thing) ..so we started dating but i told him that because i didnt trust him , our relationship would only move to the “physical level” only until she moves out of the house..but until then we could date and get to know each other..From our first date he would speak to me like no other guy has ever spoken to me! He was so amazed of how beautiful i am as he claimed) and that by the first time he saw me he felt something different..he even told me that he was in love with me and he was picturing us having children..we were going out only for 10 days and he met my sister and brother in law but it didnt go well..he wasnt very friendly ( i was shocked actually cause until then i was sure that he would be with them just like he was with me..but it was the first sign of his aggressive behavior..my brother in law told me that he was lying to me, that he had another relationship and that he was furious because he couldnt get to sleep with me..so he had taken ti personally, like a challenge..on the other hand, he hated my sister and brother in law..he told me that he was a jerk and in a kind way he told me that my sister had a shit heart..and all this mostly because we are religious and he is an atheist and he claimed that they didnt want him because of that..he even cried in front of m,e telling me all these beautiful words like: “i cant believe that the girl of my dreams will reject me cause i am an atheist..i am dreaming of us in our bed with our kid sunday morning and you are telling me that you will have to go to church and miss all these beautiful moments?”)…so by that night i was upset with my family that they were so close minded and because of them i would lose the perfect guy that came to my life..so i stopped taking their advice about my relationship..actually, i stopped telling them anything about it..and of course, with his behavior he made it clear to me that he wouldnt like to see them again..the days were passing, and one day he asked me to go for the weekend at his cottage and i denied it! We had a big fight there but i told him that i wouldnt move from what i had first said..so he got so upset and told me that he would need to go alone to his cottage for that weekend so that he would think whether he wanted to jump straight into a relationship again (after 11 years of not being single) …that weekend we talked more than 12 hours on the phone!! It felt like it was teenage romance..but when he came back, while he was kissing me and loving me he told me..well my ex called me and asked me to give her another chance!! (Now, i think i know why he said this..i now dont believe he ever broke up with her or even intented to…and because he wanted to get physical with me but i had set these boundaries, by saying this to me he thought that i would react like any other woman that in order not to lose him, i would do ANYTHING to keep him..and this was sex!) But i reacted the opposite way! i laid back and had a fight..went that night home and was ready to tell him next day that i would break up with him, i would give him1 month in order to decide what he wants..but he first called me at midnight and came by my house to tell me that he chose to follow his heart and that today he told her that they couldnt have another chance cause he is in love with another woman..i was sooo happy!!! i was feeling the luckiest girl on earth!!! i couldnt believe that he chose me instead of her! He was so in love..he even started making plans for vacations..where should we go this summer?etc..everything was great BUT i still told him that i needed her first to move out of the house..and he told me that this time that he was clearer to her about their breakup she would find quickly a house to move out..Two days later we were at that cafeteria, being in love, kissing, telling me that i deserved Him, i deserved his love, that i was such a special person..and then SHE came!! She stood above us, shacking her head..she told me : i wish that someone will do the same thing you do to me..and then she told him: Is that the way you throw 11 years of our relationship to the garbage? Why do you fool her???..and she left..he was shocked!! He asked me to leave the cafeteria and that we would talk on the phone the same night..but he only contacted me 2 days later cause he said he needed time on his own cause he was so shocked..he had never seen his ex acting that crazy..of course these two days i was in pain, i was wondering what was he doing..i knew that something was wrong there..but i was in love and i wanted eveyrthing he had said to me to be real!! He was a jackpot!! anyways, i believed him cause i thought she only came because he had told her about my existance the previous night and she wanted to see that other woman..when i asked him why did she say:why do you fool her?? he told me she said it cause she wanted to ruin what we had..our love!..he also told me that she asked him three favors..one of them was that i wouldnt go into his house until she had fully gone!!. (which promise he did break cause i went to his house a week b4 our final breakup).so i was feeling sorry and i said..ok..i can understand..so we keep dating without the physical until she finally moves out…few days later though, his sister gave birth..so he took me to the hospital and i met his sister, his mother, his brother in law and other family..his mother was so kind..she told me that she knew that her son would make the right decision..so, i believed that he was actually telling me the truth and so accepted his offer to go to his cottage!!!..we were so in love! Everything was perfect! we would spend hours and hours together, everyday on the phone!!..few weeks later though he told me something unexpected..that his ex (until this time she was satying at friends houses) would come and stay 2-3 times a week at his house!!!..and guess what! I had to take it all in, cause he was sincere..so he wasnt lying!! I knew that this was not normal, but i kept telling myself that time will show..he cant keep lying forever.. until that morning that he got frustrated with me cause he came to my shop and instead of saying Hi to him from the time he entered i kept talking to my client and after i finished with the client i went to kiss and hug him..Οh! he also got upset cause i first gave an ashtray to my client and then to him!! He left the shop really furious! He made me feel like a whore! That it was my fault..(it was saturday morning)..he wasnt answering to my phone calls or txts..sunday came and i was started thinking about his reaction that it was illogical!..and said to myself, that if he is disapeared for the whole sunday and contacts me again on Monday for that stupid reason..he would propably need and excuse so that he would be away from me the whole weekend..i texted him again, never got an answer until i decided to go by his house..i texted him that i was going to his house so that we solve the problem..and suddenly he answered me back..he told me not to go and that he wouldnt open the door and i told him..why??Is she there? And he said yes! (but remember??he had told me that she was going..i hadnt caught him lying to me!)..and i told him that it would b a great opportunity for her to tell me that all of what he was telling was real!..he said..r u crazy? She hates you! she thinks u r responsible 4 our break up..she will kill you..anyways…we talked, we had a huge fight..i was asking him to delete her from facebook so that he proves me he is saying the truth (my account was deactivated all this time) and he kept telling me..i maybe not be in love with here but i have already broken her heart for leaving her..is that so important for you to make her feel even worse??..i was swearing at him, he was swearing at me and i decided to facebook this woman and tell her everything..with details so that he wouldnt be able to lie to her again about me and make everything ok again..so i told her details like ex. where were you last wednesday? Cause u werent at your house..i was with him having sex..and if you dont believe me the house is like that, with these furniture etc..I didnt tell him i did that and meanwhile he convinced me again that he was real, and that the person i fell in love for was real and not fake!! and that in a month he would prove to all that he is not lying!!…i decided not to tell him anything about what i had done so that i would make sure what was goiing on..and the time came a few days later that she read the message..he called me and started swearing at me..you whore, you piss of shit, you have a shit soul you broke that womans heart!!! etc..it kept going..he kept calling me calling me names, making me feel the worst person on earth for breaking her heart, that i dont deserve his love and he was so wrong about me!! He was threating me..he came 3-4 times by my shop to call me names and threaten me..the last day i saw him, he first called me to tell me that we was telling me lies all this time and that he would never love me..he could never love me! He only loved her and compared to her i am nothing!..half an hour later he came by the shop to tell me that he was telling me the truth all this time, that he HAD broken up with her and that she would move out a few days later but I screwed everything up!!..I told him to leave!!!!and that if he ever thratens me again i had a friend in the police who knows his name, address etc.so he left..and an hour later he came back..for the first time he was sobber..he told me that he didnt mean what he was saying cause he was angry and thats why,..and come on..admit it! It was wrong what you did..and he had the nerve to ask him to make him a cup of tea to talk..i was so shocked at that time by this confusing behavior..i asked him to leave and never come back…after the breakup 3 days b4 chirstams he texted me “by accident”..i got a text that was supposed to go to his friend..i knew that he was a coward and he did on purpose but i didnt break my non-contact!!.. (a month later) i decided to activate my fb account again so that i can see what would he do..and handt deleted me all this time that i was deactivated but once i activated it , in two hours, he had deleted me! But he still had her as a friend..so i blocked him!..my parents told me that he knew that this would upset me and he did it on purpose so that he would break my non-contact way!!..3 days ago i texted him and told him: i was right for everything! and he texted back: excuse me? who is this??..i told him:you know!!…and he didnt answer me back…at that time i decided to unblock him so that i can see how much he searches for me and thinks about me..and yes! He was..he blocked me back!! He noticed that i unblocked him?? How???..so i texted him again telling him that he is funny and worths nothing..and he kept texting back that he doesnt know who this is..he didnt call me (cause it was sunday night and was propably with her),,but Monday morning(next day) he called me from his office ..i didnt answer..he called me again..i didnt answer..i knew that he knew it was me! and i knew that he was calling to pretend to see who was it and to start conversation with me..but i wanted to avoid having a conversation with him..so he texted me back swearing to that “unknown” person who had texted him and asking who this is and that i should answer the phone..so i texted him back saying:oh im sorry..it must have been wrong number..im so sorry (if he wants to play games, i can play games also!!)…and he answered back..tell me who are you so that i can help you..and i said it was a mistake..these texts were going to a mean person with no values at all! I am sure that you are a kind person though! I dont need you help sir, my problem is solved!..and he finally said :i know that its you!! ansrwe the phone to talk..you know that you are sick and you need help??? but i bever answered it!!
      Next day he emailed me telling me that he did the mistake to serach on my profile from a friends account and he saw all these articles i posted about narcisist & sociopaths and at first he thought to let me believe that he is the bad guy and i am the good girl he did wrong BUT he told me..dont forget! I am the one who had a great relationship with a great woman for 11 years(!!) and you are the one complaining that men want you only for sex..do you wonder why?? Maybe because you dont worth anything more? You dont need to look on the internet to understand my character..let me tell you who i am..i want trustworthy people, with a good character and good value and not shit people with no ethics!! you could never be my girl (you dont deserve it) not even to come and clean my house you dont deserve!and..come on!! Do you think you are a “trophy” ???Give us a break!!!
      2 weeks later i couldnt stand the silence so i called him..i asked him to meet with me and he agreed! We went out for a coffee and it was the first time i saw him and we talked like civilized people after the chaos of the break up..he told me “Vicky, if you hadnt sent that message to her we would now still be together (me and him)…With what you did i saw a person full of rage and hate and jealousy for the people around him..why didnt you just simply send her a message telling her that you and i are in a relationship?> Why did you have to go through all these details that broke her heart?”.and i explained to him that the reason for the details in my message was because i wanted to destroy HIM..that i thought that if she has seen us with he own eyes in that cdafeteria and still was with you, what a great loiar you are..so i had to give her evidence so that you couldnt cover up or explain to her so that you would keep lying”..anyway..he told me that he is single and he enjoys it now! He didnt seem to want to get back with me and was somethingi told him..i said to him” if you were truly in love with me as you say you would do what i do (because i was and still are in love with you)..the in love people tend to excuse their love for their mistakes..how can you say to me that you were so madly in love with me and convict me with no hesitation for what i did..werent you at all responsible for my behavior?”..anyway..he asked me to go by his house so that i see with my own eyes that she is not there anymore so we arranged to go next morning (sunday)..but later that saturday night he called me and asked me to go by his house..so i want after midnight..i was feeling happy cause i thoughjt that this was showing that he wanted to spend some romantic time with me and maybe he would give us another chance..BUT unfortunately my mum heard me leaving and atsrted calling me on my mobile cause she understood thatg i was going to him and she was really upset that this was a mistake..so by the time a arrived to his house he offered me a cup of tea but i was so nervous with my mother ringing me cosistently so i asked him if i could leave and come back in half an hour..he didnt want that..he told me..just tell her that you will be back after you finish but i told him that i had to leave..so he said taht i should go and that we didnt have to say more things anways and he just tol me to his bedroom opened the wardrobe and showed me that she has gone..he also told me..are u feeling better??? Do you see that i wasnt lying to you??? I am ton a Narcissist ok?? I hope you feel better…
      Of course, THAT didnt make me feel better..i felt sad about myself, i missed him terribly…until i found out from this womans brother that she left hiom after she found out about the cheating, she moved out of their house but now he is going to her house and try to make up with her..they are meeting and he tells her that he loves her and that he will wait her forever!!!!..MY HEART BROKE!!!
      I called him next day!! In the beggining i didnt tell him what i had found out..i just wanted to check out what his reaction would be towards me if i asked him to be back with..so i told him that i miss him and that we should give it aonther try..but he said “No vicky..i dont think we can fix this thing again..and at the bottom line i dont like the fact that the first thing you wanted to do was take revenge!!”..after a while i changed my voice and told him everything..and i told him that if he put off the phone that i would send that woman ALL of the evidence i have of my relationship with him..he said that i am crazy and that these things i found out were not true but i told him to shut up and fuck off…i talked to him for an hour, yelling, swearing, crying and at the end i told him to never ever think of talking to me again..and that was the last time i ever spoke to him ..
      Of course now he is with her…he even took her for a trip to London last month (the woman he had broken up with)!!!
      I am jealous of you because this girlfriend spoke to you but minbe never answered me..al i know is that she was lookinf on me on linked eben 3 months after all these (cause i had deleted my fb account)..i wish she would have talked to me about what was she experiencingwith him all these years…but on the other hand i know that it would cause me more hurt..i told her the lies he told me about her, she didnt help though at all..

      p.s he had told me that the woman he was before with this 11 ytear girlfriend hge was in relationship with her for 3 years just because he was helping him with good notes for the university, that he was constantly cheating on her and he had 3 relationshis at the same time but it was veri tiring for him, he got fed up, he was young…and that with this 11 year gorl has been faithfull and never cheated on her…that even if he wanted to do the same stuff because of hgis age he could get easily tired…and i believed him!!!

      p.s .the sex was awful!!!!!! Our first time he couldnt have an erection (while when we were kissing on our dates i could see he had)…al of the time he could have some erection and then while we were doing it he would lose it again… (when he came to my house that night at midnight to announce me he chose me at the end he said” i cant wait for time to have you on top of me…can you imagine the chance for us to have been in all this trouble and at the end the sex will me awfull???and we will say..bye!! talk to you next day.. and we will just disapear?and the he said..well..even if the sex will be awful the first time even the second..maybe the tenth time..what on earth…after that it will be fixed!!!….
      our first time he told me..im sorry its just i am used to be with the same woman for 11 years and im not used to see another woman naked…
      the last time we had sex he said: baby..i am not that bad at sex usually..
      and consider that i have fallen in love with a guy just because our sex and have been with a guy that was awful and i disapeared!! i cant stand awful sex and my friend thinks he manipulated me even in that so that i dont disapear at least until he had enough of me…and in reality i felt really awkward when everything he said was validated and i didnt say a word or disapeared because that would make him feel bad…

  22. Matrix Chick says:

    Hands down the most thorough article out there. I’m just writing on here to say for some weird reason I always attract socios & psychos but have never fallen for them & their mind games. The facade they put on that they are the “catch” of the year seems so shallow to me from the get go. I’m grateful to the universe I dodged all the bullets “matrix style”. I also wanna suggest the brilliant book, Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker [spell check please on the last name :D I’m lousy with names].

    To all the survivors & victims out there, you have my respect & love & thank you for sharing your stories. Silence to me really doesn’t help anyone, so thank you for using your voice. You just helped me sharpen my “matrix skills” more & I’m grateful.

    • Cindy says:

      I wish I could warn everyone. I have 2 daughters. They are young now but I hope they never go through it. It was the most demeaning, demoralizing, degrading experience of my life. He has 2 daughters. the decent men I know would save for a home for them. He told me he was saving for college gor them. I guess i will believe it when I see it. In the interim they are in out of the women’s homes he is “dating.”. Red flags: not buying a home or renting a place for his girls to live in, telling me he could get anyone he wanted but he wanted me on a second date, telling me he wouldn’t hit me because I’m too sweet, telling me his ex ruined his credit and cheated on him, threatening that if I didn’t do this or that he’d “f—” someone else. You win when you take back your life. When you can say “I was treated this way because he is a narcissist and I won’t allow it ever again”. They choose me, you, because you had something special he wanted to take to fill his void. That something special was there before you met him and most likely still is. Dont give them the power to take your gifts. The support from people on these websites is so incredibly valuable. I struggle because I like to make people happy and I couldn’t with him. Some days that failure hurts but I had to realize I can’t give up who I am to do that.

  23. Vytjie says:

    Tx to all…simply reading everything I can lay my hands on…xx

  24. Kally says:

    I’m a survivor of a psychopathic relationship and I’m currently living in a shelter for abused women in Boulder Colorado after my psycho left me on New Year’s Eve for an escort named Shannon and he still lives with her today. He sends me pictures of him fucking her all the time and what he doesn’t get is that I could care less.

    My blog is a tumblr.com
    Search Sociometh

    Hoping it will be a best seller. It’s. Asked on my abuse story. Check it out!

  25. Jessica says:

    What if the new victim is very similar to you? You mention that their interests and passions will be different- however his new victim has the same interests as me- I’ve even had to work with her recently as she decided to pursue my same line of work.

    • Jessica,

      Their passions and interests will be different because none of us is the SAME. Each of us has unique qualities and this includes apart from the psychopath’s last and current target. You sound as if you have some knowledge of the new target, but how well do you know her? She has qualities about her personality that are not the same as yours. Psychopaths look for vulnerabilities in all of us, so having similar interests and passions isn’t necessarily what draws the psychopath, it’s the targets vulnerabilities that do. Similar passions and interests don’t add up to similar personalities.

  26. Mary says:

    this is so awesome and true. Made me wake up and realize what I was truly dealing with. His new supply is the opposite of what he said he was attracted to. She is very fat, and also has a good job. She appears to be a nice person. I’m sure he has weaseled into her self esteem like a parasite. It’s her turn for the awakening and I hope she survives.

  27. Mary says:

    i love this article!! Its one of the best one’s i’ve ever read…
    Well this is soo me, i was with my S-path ex boyfriend for 7yrs, and those 7yrs were hell to me! I wish i would’ve met him… We have2 boys together.
    Right from the start he cheated on me, beaten on me, abused me verbally and emotionally, tells me im fucken fat, ugly, unattractive ect…he cheated on me with sooo many different women, even with some of my “friends” he uses drugs and alcohol. I got an STD by him when i was prego with my 2nd child.. He’s been in and out of jail and deported to mexico.. I’ve always tried to leave him and i did but rigjt away he knew exactly how to get me back..it was like a cycle happening again and again.. When i’ll break up with him, he’ll call me 1,000xs and always had my family memebers talk to me about him..I’ve always went back to him thinking that this time he’ll change for me and his children, but he’ll just get worst!! Recently on july 2014 he was so coked out and drunk that he started to choke me and beat in me that night.. The fight was soo bad that a knife was involved, i broke it off with him that night & from there dis no contact!! The next day he’ll come for the kids and kiss ass and promised me that he’ll change for our family, i didnt go back with him!! Less than a month i find out that he is living with his new supply 1hr away from here. And still begged me to go back with him, and denying that he’s not with this girl. And he doesnt love her. He just got with her to try ro forget about me and he cant be by himself!! Well on Nov 2014 he got arrested and charge with drug felonies, he went to jail for 4 months, & throughr Those 4 months he sent me letters from jail kissing ass to me that be misses me and when he gets out,hes gonna look for him family( All while writing letters to the other girl too) like really?!
    Well in March 2015 he got out, and told me he wanted me back( the same old BS) he’s nor with this girl, he doesnt lover her, blah blah
    Well that same night i checked out his FB and the other girls too… She had pics of them all lovey-dovey… ( this is not the 1st time i been through this with him) Soo i felt confused to what he was telling me that he didnt love her and seeing the opposite on social networks! I felt like i missed him & love him.. Now all of a sudden i care if he’s happy with her? Is he goin to cheat on her? Is he goin to change his ways for her? Are they happy? What if she makes him change? They only have 8 months together, but out of those 8 months he was in jail for 4, so in reality they have less than 4 months together..i feel so stupid thinkin thag he’s all happy with her and im just here stuck thinkin about him!! Do you think he’ll change for this other chick.. Rigjt now he has 5 yrs of probation and i feel like with him on probation he’ll change he’s ways and be normal… Im just thinkin that why ddnt i make him change? What if he becomes that man that i tried soo hard for when i was with him..I need advice plz😓

    • Jennifer says:

      Mary, Please find a local domestic violence recovery and empowerment group. It will help you detox from your emotional addiction to this man. Get the help now so you do not get back into the cycle. The help is free. Please go get the help. If you cannot find one easily call 1−800−799−7233 (1 800 799-safe) if you life in the US. Ask them to help you locate a domestic violence support group and free counseling. If you get help now then you will likely not feel addicted to him when and you won’t be as likely to go back to him, or find someone like him. He won’t change. Do you want to risk your life in the hopes that he changes? Do you want kids to grow up around a violent drunk jailbird? Go get help, you are worth it. Being alone and at peace is more fun than being addicted to a sick man. They will teach you how to break the cycle so you can detox.

      • Mary says:

        Thank you for the reply. Yes i need help someone to talk too. But i can’t afford couseling/therapy. When im okay and trying to heal i find him in the streets/public places. He looks okay as if nothing ever happened. Trys to convience me that he’s not with this girl and he moved back to the city where i live and he has left her. But he wasnt kissing ass. In reality i want to hug,kiss and tell him how much i freaken miss him, but when i see him in public i try to act tough and heartless in front of him. I cant let him know that deep inside it still freaken hurts, even though its been 1 whole year that we seperated. He shows off to me that he bought 4 modern 2016 cars and he has a bunch of money & that im missing out of his success..i have to have lil communication with him bc we have 2 kids together. I saw him yesterday and he looked okay,he was flirting with me, and he tried to hug me. Deep inside of me i have lil hope that he’s changed and some how became better man. Im killing myself over him but i have to be strong bc i know he’s NO good for me. Help im only 22 yrs old, and i feel like im 40 yrs old bc all the BS he made me go through.i need help plz. I often dream about him and im battleing that thought in my mind that maybe if i go back to him it’ll different. BUT deep inside i know it’s not. Im having a really hard time thinking about his new girl. She’s getting all of his money and the good things. I sometimes had. He told me that he’s not cheating on her!!! I love him sooooooooo freaken much & its killing me so much inside to know that he really did move on from me only after 1 month that i dump him!!! He is soo mulipulative in mind games.. He cheated on my sooo many times and his excuse was bc i didnt give that the attention that he wanted (bc i had my kids,work,school) he had hit me numerous times and uses drugs, has felonies and deportations. I did everything for this fucker!! And he cheated in me with HIS family members and other girls.. I freaken hate him sooo much.. Im sorry i just need to get this off my chest!!!! I hate that i still love him. Now he probably put his “new victim” against me. I havent met her, nor knoe nothing about her!! I havent seen her. He’s been living with her for 1 yr and has took my kids to where they live without me actually knowing where he lives!! He lies in court! He has NEVER worked in his life & he slangs for money!!! And now says that he’s left that “fast money life” and actually works!!! Bullshit!! My problem is him and the nee girl.. Do you guys think he’ll cheat on her???? He told me at one point that even though he remarried and if i get a bf if we can still have sex while being with other ppl.. I told him hell no.. But now he doesnt kiss ass to me like he used to, he doesnt pass through my house all fast in his year cars, he doesnt look for me, nor my kids, he cant call me bc he doesnt have my # & i dont have no facebook/instagram bc i just want to go m.i.a from him and his family.. But i actually think he’s happy with her bc he doesnt begg me no more. I know i should be happy that he left me alone but in reality it hurts that he’s not looking for me. Bc back them he’ll do it right away after we broke up. I guess im not a “good supply” for him nomore. He left me without money,with education bc i thought i was going out with professors/my student friends and he was soo jealous that i dropped out of college.. If i didnt have my family right now helping me out i would of turn crazy!! They are helping me soo much with my children and keeping me away from him. My whole family broke contact from him!! It just hurts that he moved on from me like that after everything i did for him.( he went to jail & i had to get money for his atterney,money for bookings inside jail, money so he can call me to my phone) & when he got deported i followed him all the way to his home country for 4 months living over there with his family!!! I followed him everywhere he went like a lil puppy and with my 2 kids barely born!!!! And i had to go back and forth from mexico to the U.S every 2 weeks!! I did supported him in eveything! He was like a godess to me!! Everything he asked i did and even put in more effort for him. But it was NEVER good enough!! He cheated on my with my bestfriends and gave me an STD when i was pregnant! I dont talk to him bc he doesnt have my # nor social media. But sometimes i see in when i go out to places and he trys to talk to me about the court of my children then continues with if i have a boyfriend, and that he’s not with nobody.. I dont know i need help i feel like im going crazy!!!!! I always think about that “what if’s” ex: what if he’s really changed for this new girl?? What if he did start working?? What if he doesnt treat her fucked up like he did to me?? What if she’s better than me?? I looked soooo old when i was with him!!! I gain alot of wieght and looked double of my real age!! Now that i seperated from him i started to workout and lost 30 lbs. and looked okay, but my self-esteem is soo low. I dont feel like anybody will want to be with me. Like he has told me “who will want me with 2 kids?” Fat and ugly. He was a bunch of tattoos of my children and of my name.. He covered up some of them with my name. So i guess he really moved on from me to the new girl. Im just soo heartbroken that after all he told me when we were together wasnt true!!!! And im jealous of the new girl. I seen a photo of her once and she doesnt look “all that” she looks like me!!! And he’s spending his money on her while im struggling for our children((she has her nails done,hair done,gold on her,new iphone,new bunch of shoes,clothes,his cars, going out to places with him,eating in restuants,having money,getting spoiled by him and his “love” she’s just having the time of her life)) i dont even know her and i already dislike her!!!He owes me child support money. And i know he talks smack about me over there with her!! And i know she doesnt like me either. He wants me and her to get into arguments bc of him. I know thats what he wants. I jst jealous bc everything is going good for him( with money, slanging illegal stuff, and his “happy love”) while im over here stuck trying soo hard not wanting to be with him!! He knows me and he knows what to say to me. He knows what i want to hear.. Do you guys think he’ll cheat on her?? Will he mistreat her?? Do you guys think he’s change??? He looks different more calm,relaxed, and not violent.. Do you guys think he actually loves her?? Do you guys think he’s happy bc he has everything good?? Im always trying to get vaildation. Im literally crying while typing this!! Bc i cant hold it in no more!!!!!! Im a freaken dump-ass for not letting him go way in the beggining!! All the red-flags were infront of my face and he even told them to me & i still stayed!!! The red-flags were there since the first 2 weeks when we started dating!!!!! He was living with his then girfriend and he told me that he was living with her but he didnt love her no more! And i still fucken stayed!!!!! I always wanted him to be responsible with his children and with me! He never was. Everything was a game for him!! The law,the system,his friends,illegal activities, and his family/love was all a game!! And i still stayed!!!!! Until he almost killed me last year. And i left him in july ,by august he was already living with the other girl. And i know she’s soooo sprung with him right now and soo “in love” with him bc i was like that. It took me 7 1/2 years to finally have the balls to actually leave him. But know im doubting myself!! I dont know what i want! I want a real life, a nice home,a loving man that actually loves me and wont cheat on me with every woman that he finds. And respects me and my children!! I need to get out his web!! I dont want to get back wih him but deep inside i still have a lil spark telling me that maybe he can change!! Bc he lost me and his kids last year and maybe with the lost of me and the kids he acts differnet. Maybe he now knows what he had with me, that lost maybe woke him up?? Please help me!!!!!!

      • (((Mary)))…I’ll be addressing some of the issues in your comments with several upcoming posts. I’ve not written in a long time, but now that I’m working with survivors privately again, I have a lot of issues to address that I’ve not before and some are repetitive in nature. I’m so sorry for your pain….thank you for sharing your story. You’re not alone, as you can see….Blessings…

  28. eve says:

    Wow I never thought I was with a psycopath and how much I was used. Thank you

  29. Gail says:

    My ex husband of 36 years rewrote history…turned my adult sons against me..attempted to bully me out of my house with his paramour…cash in his retirement …buy a new vehicle ($60,000) dollar sports car during the divirce…stalked me at work with his paramour in thier Veriizon trucks…changed the locks on all our homes interior doors to prevent me from taking my belongings…made up factious bills to sue me during the divorce…lied …lied and lied..,cut my clothing…through garbage in my garage stall…fed my dog toxic things that made it have seizures…cooked hot peppers everyday…broke the hot water pipes so I would move out of the home and surrender it to him and his paramour! Took 2 years to divorce and it was not equitable..lawyers allowed him to continue to abuse me!!!! I was a good mother and wife I did not deserve this!!! They are your worst nightmare..run from them as fast as you can!!!!

  30. Y says:

    Finally I found your blog to heal. I just got out of the relationship with my ex Narc. Since then I have searched lots of articles to figure out why he left me and found a new girl so quickly. And finally I noticed he has NPD. I found that lots of women have had the same story as me. I’m not only one and their advice here totally helps me a lot. Thanks God.

    However, I’m still struggle with the feelings for him. Yesterday I had really positive thinking to move on, but today I’m obsessed with missing him. Everyday my feelings are insecure like this.

    My problem is that I still pity him a lot. At the beginning we started the relationship, he told me that he had OCD. I said to him that it wasn’t his fault and I wanted to help him and make him comfortable, get over his OCD together. I tried to work hard for him and tried not to put too much pressure on him. We had a great time together for a while but all of a sudden, the situation turned like a hell. He met a girl who just came here to study English for two or three months, even we were still dating. One day I noticed that and we had a big argument. First of all he told me that just let him have her until she was back to her country. I denied that. Then he said that he liked her. At the same time he told me that I’m very important to him. If I let him have her for a while, he would back to me after she was back to her country. It is insane, right? How he knows her well for a few months??? Especially she doesn’t speak English well, how he could say that??? I’m not a native English speaker as well, but at least I graduated from a college here and have been here for a long time. I met her twice… I told her that It’s her choice to be with him but be careful with him. She went back to her country but she was supposed to come back here for him. I haven’t contacted her since I met her before. I don’t know why, but some reasons she didn’t come back. Then he texted me that it was all my fault and I ruined his life. I couldn’t believe what he said! He yelled at me and blamed me. He was doubting me that I contacted her again. He said why he kept texting me was because he had OCD. And he told me that I used his OCD and manipulated him. I DIDN’T. Every time I tried to make it clear to him, then it brought big fighting and getting worse and worse.

    One day he told me that “I’m sorry. I was very mean to you. It wasn’t me. It was OCD. ” and he started to explain how his OCD annoyed him. I felt sorry to him and I was crying. But next day he blamed me again and kept saying I ruin his life. I pity him a lot because he suffers from OCD. I know it is not because of OCD. I shouldn’t feel pity him. How can I forget him? I still need some advice….

    Thank you.

  31. Ginia says:

    I came across this article when I was researching “Does our society make abuse look okay?” I read this whole thing and I started to cry, because it sounds just like my ex.
    I am only 18 and I have been through this. I was with him for 8 and a half long months, I did everything I could for him and he hit me, put me down, and treated me like crap. I let him, I think that’s the worst of it. He said he would change and he never did. I tried leaving and he tried to kill himself, so I got the police involved and he ended up in a mental hospital for a week. During that week, he called me everyday and we talked. He seemed like he had changed, he seemed different. So I took him back out. Two weeks after that, he started his old ways and I finally left for good this time.
    Less then 2 hours after we broke up, he had a new girlfriend. They both bully me constantly and I have even gotten the police involved… But I never understood how he could try to kill himself over me but yet, have a new girlfriend so quickly. I see pictures of him and his new girlfriend and they look happy, but so did him and I when we would post photos. A picture can hide a million lies.. Also, the things he is doing with her is stuff that I never liked and stuff that he told me when we were dating that he hated, but yet he is doing it with her? This article really opened my eyes and explained perfectly why he choose her and I thank the Lord that he did.. This article explains it all so clearly and I feel relieved that I am not the only person who has gone through this.
    I shared this article with my mum who also just got out of an abusive relationship also and she really agreed with everything you said.
    Thank you so much for writing this, it opened my eyes and made me feel at peace.

    • Ginia,

      I’m so happy to hear this for you! You’re so young and knowing this at an early age, can most certainly help you filter out good men in the future. But staying focused on what YOU want for right now and what YOU plan to do with your future is most important. Utilize this situation to do more work on yourself. You’re at such a great age to do it too and make it stick!

      As to your question: The reason he is doing with her what he did not with you, is because psychopaths are chameleons. They acclimate to their environments rapidly and well. The new victim is a totally new person, with different interests, so he will put on the perfect mask for her, just as he did for you, but the behavior will repeat itself. Psychopaths don’t change, Ginia. Only their victims do.

      Best wishes.

  32. Contessa says:

    I cannot tell you enough how much this article has helped me heal from my divorce from a narc. I literally refer back to it every so often to remind myself that he will never change. My narc dumped me while pregnant and immediately took up with another woman before the ink on our divorce papers dried. It was truly the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in life. I thank God I figured out he is a narc and started researching like crazy to make sense of the abuse I endured. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for all your wonderful insights. I agree that too many sites advise you to just get over it and move on. That’s hard to do when you’ve been violated so fully. Thank you for reminding me that he’s not off living the dream with his new fiancée. She’s in for the same nightmare I and many others have endured. Thank you so much!

    • Contessa,

      I cannot disagree with anything here that you’ve shared, except that I’m sorry you’ve had to endure such a thing. After I learned what psychopathy was and got the full gist of it, I can honestly say that I feel sorry for any victim that happens to cross his path or he theirs. But many lessons are learned after one of these relationships, aren’t they? Even though they are the most traumatic and toxic on the planet!

      Best wishes and peace to you and yours!

  33. J says:

    Thank you for writing this exceptional article. It’s so heartfelt and insightful. Even though I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone, it’s been helpful to know someone else has been through this type of emotional hell and survived, and is kind enough to help others going through the same ordeal.
    Best wishes and blessings to you.

  34. BLT123 says:

    This article was very helpful to me. There are many similarities to my situation. When I started dating my narcissist, it was good for the first month. By “good” I mean he paid attention to me. I was not so sure about him and saw many red flags. My low-self esteem and childhood issues with sibling abuse were the reason I stayed (I know this now). He never held doors for me, always walked in front of me and never beside me, insulted my line of work, talked badly about others including his ex-girlfriends, etc. He would always brag about making a 6 figure salary, making more money, his car, fighting with people at work to get what he wanted, etc. He was calling me everyday, we saw each other almost everyday. We had sex right away and that quickly became the focal point of our relationship. I thought it meant he loved me and was truly into me. After a month, he said that he needed time to deal with some personal issues he was having. His father was an alcoholic and his mother rejected him. He was abused as a child. He said he needed therapy but would still like to see me as he enjoyed my company and thought we had great chemistry and that maybe we could pick up where we left off once he felt better. I was totally ok with that.

    We kept having sex (poor judgement on my part), because I thought that would keep him with me. I wanted him to know that I was waiting for him. Slowly our interactions became solely about sex. He would come over for an hour, have sex and leave, saying he was too busy with work to give me any more time than that. I kept thinking that if I stayed, that he would get better and we would be together. I lived for each time I would see him, even though I knew it felt so wrong. Eventually I broke it off with him. We still were in contact though. He didn’t seem to care that I broke it off. After a while he noticed I was having fun doing other things without him and he came back, saying that he missed me and he felt better about his issues. We started dating again. There was always still something missing, though. He was not emotionally connected or available. He never let me meet his friends or family. He didn’t take me to dinner or out on any dates. It was almost like he didn’t want to be seen with me in public. It will still mostly about sex. I was addicted to him. Eventually he slowly started to become distant again after a few months, which is when I became suspicious. One day he was sleeping at my place and I looked at his text messages and found out he was dating someone else as well, and he had met her about 6 months prior…. just 2 months after WE had started dating again. I kicked him out of my place and told him it’s over for good and I never wanted to speak to him again. He kept asking if we could still at least speak and keep in contact.

    I found her on social media and let her know that he had been sleeping with both of us for the entire time they had been together. It was not a nasty message, just an FYI this has been happening, and I am done with him sort of message. She saw the message and got mad at him briefly but she never responded to me. At first I told him that I was done, and he really didn’t care. That really hurt me, so I went into “please don’t leave me” mode and asked him if we could work it out. He said no. The worst thing is that I can still see her social media page and she posted a picture of a stuffed animal he gave to her to make her feel better. It hurts because I feel like he chose her over me. He had never given me a stuffed animal or ANYTHING. I always gave him christmas/birthday gifts and he never reciprocated. I am still obsessing over him and it is getting to the point where I feel crazy for missing and wanting someone who was so mean to me. They are together now and I am so upset about it. They seem to have everything in common. Is he still a narcissist even though he so easily let me go twice? He didn’t exhibit behaviors of chasing me down once it was over, it was just so easy for him to move on. Like I meant nothing to him. He never really let us progress into a full relationship, but now he is in one with this new girl. Why her and not me? Do you think she is just his next victim? How can they possibly live happily ever after when he has cheated on her for most of their relationship?? Do you think they have a chance?

    • BLT,

      Early on, it’s about him, not about you. Later in recovery, it does become about you…

      Having said that, your questions are relatively simple to answer, the issue here is not the simplicity of the answer, but your willingness to accept it.

      Psychopaths deprive intentionally, deliberately. This is what sets the ‘addiction’ to the psychopath into motion, aside from the initial love bombing, a red flag all by itself. At first, through exploitation (deliberately honing in your vulnerabilities), they study up on you, like a predator with prey, which is exactly what we all are to psychopaths. Then the love bombing phase begins. This is heavy manipulation, and later when we’re honest with ourselves, what the psychopath is appealing too in a sense, is our own narcissism. He makes us feel as wonderful as he believes himself to be. Once the psychopath thinks he has you in his grasp (Power-they are all power addicts), then the deprivation begins. Sometimes it is aggressive, denying you what you had in the love bombing stage, sex, affection, trips together, dinners out, whatever he did to lure you in. When you’re comfortable in the relationship, this is the sign he waits for to back off. In doing this, it IS Intentional. It is done to make you dependent on him. If you have low self esteem issues or abuse issues rooted in familiarity and trauma bonds, this will be relatively easy for the psychopath to do. Deprivation has us questioning ourselves, ‘why didn’t he kiss me, touch me, have sex with me, take me with him on his business trip?” Things like that. We begin to blame ourselves and think it’s something we have or have not done to create the deprivation that is occurring, and so we spend the rest of the relationship trying to get back what once was, but never really was, because the psychopath is a liar, incapable of empathy or conscience. He is an act. Once deprivation re: the mean sweet cycles start, the victim is trapped until she/he realizes what is going on. This could take a week or twenty-thirty years or a lifetime. The longer she/he is in the relationship, the harder it will be to get out of it. Psychopaths generate a lot of drama and distraction, just enough to keep the victim from thinking about herself and her life. The drama they create,can be as addictive as the relationship itself. It’s been my experience that the psychopath dumps his victims long before they are ready to let him go. Survivors do not realize, as they are in so much pain, how lucky they are in that he did dump, dodging a much worse bullet.
      The new victim: Survivors also tend to see their psychopaths through the lens of empathy and project this onto him and his new relationship. Coupled with this is a reflection of the survivors low sense of self worth. If you could try to accept that this man is completely incapable of ‘love’, incapable of connection that is remotely related to effectively and lovingly communicate. They are amazingly shallow, yet well practiced via observance of others their entire lives on what ‘love’ might look like, but woefully unable to implement it. This is what survivors struggle the most with, hands down. Aside from familiarity if a survivor has an abuse history, the reality that there are people on this earth who are incapable of empathy, of guilt, remorse or regret, is a very difficult pill to swallow. From what you’ve described, you were one of the ‘go betweens’ between victims. I refer to them as ‘tweeners’ (I was one too), and every psychopath has one and most likely more, until he secures another victim that will most assuredly do his bidding. Psychopaths do not care for those who ‘might’ have an inkling as to who he/she really is. There is no such thing as happily ever after. This is FANTASY, another big problem for survivors in dealing with psychopaths. In the beginning the psychopath creates FANTASY (this is not a big surprise, as they are very good ACTORS), during love bombing and this has survivors ‘swept off their feet’. Your question is familiar to me, BLT, and not one I’ve not either asked myself in the past with my ex psychopaths, but many times hear from victims/survivors too…”how can they possibly live happily ever after when he has cheated on her for most of their relationship?” VERY good question. When you ask this question, do you answer it within the scope of reality and his inabilities?
      To counter this question with reality, knowing he is a psychopath, the question really becomes, “Why would I WANT a psychopath????” “How or what is creating the ILLUSION for me that he’d be ‘happier’ with anyone, since he’s so mindlessly unhealthy that he cheats without remorse???” “Why in the world am I concerned about whether or not they can be happy, whether or not he’s happier when he gleefully and again, without remorse, slept with both of us simultaneously?”
      He’ll do the same to her, as was done for you. Psychopaths are NOT, repeat, NOT capable of monogamy. Ever. I’ve yet to meet one survivor who swore to me that her psychopath had been faithful and did not eventually learn that he was anything BUT. They have the amazing ability to live double lives. This man could take a trip to the grocery store and stop and visit his ‘other victim’, while the main victim sits at home and is oblivious to all of it. True story, it was my story and it’s been many others too. Do they have a chance??? Perhaps. But it really does depend on the victim as to how long she stays and once she becomes aware of red banners in the wind around her, how long she can DENY what is real and so wrong about him. At the same time, alleviating her own fear, whether it’s of being alone (a BIG problem), or the fantasy (what is it, where does it come from for her), or the familiarity to prior abuse (this can feel very ‘comfortable’ to survivors, as if she ‘knows’ him in some special way that no one else can–this derives from past abuse). If she is disordered herself, they could be together for a long time, but it will undoubtedly fan the flames of dysfunction, making it a match made in hell. Is this what you want for yourself?
      BLK, I don’t mean for this to sound hurtful, so please take this in the way that I mean to share it: Care and concern! Healthy minded people do not advocate for the deprivation, sabotage, abuse and blame that psychopaths do. Healthy minded men and women,find no need to engage in such behaviors. In fact, to a healthy mind, these behaviors are repulsive. Despite the many hundreds of survivors I’ve had the privilege of providing guidance too, there were a few that were of healthy mind and got out of their romantic relationships within days or weeks of seeing the psychopaths behavior. I’ve noticed that survivors with abuse backgrounds, are the hardest hit by the psychopath and their vulnerabilities as obvious to these predators as meat set in front of a lion. The familiarity in ‘closeness’ that these survivors feel and that the psychopath labels as ‘soul mate’ status, IS the familiarity to the original abuse/trauma. Like a warm, comfie goose down on a winter’s night, the ABUSER from the past IS the psychopath in the present. We think of abuse as insidious, as repulsive and disgusting, but when the psychopath is singing that FAMILIAR song, instead of seeing it as a red flag, it is eerily comforting. It is remarkable how some survivor’s most recent (and hopefully last) psychopath is eerily similar to his/her original abuser, right down to job similarities, and words said that are word for word, out of the mouths of the parent. VERY odd how this happens, but I know it to be true. We are trying to fix something that was never dealt with and these extremely toxic relationships are all about this.

      Anyway, I got off topic a bit. BLT, just as he could not with you, he will not with her either. When you see them on social media (a NO NO), this provides an image of love, care and Woot! Woot!between them. I wish you could see how utterly impossible this really is. It looks different to you, that he’s in love and has changed (this is very predictable too as survivors believe this ‘change’ is really happening, but it’s part of the fantasy), when in REALITY, the only thing he has changed, is perhaps his looks, his ‘personality’, to accommodate HERS. The only thing that a psychopath changes, are his/her VICTIMS. She is a different person, so he has to change it up a bit so he appears to be everything she is or everything she wants to be. Psychopaths take on a lot of the victims ‘traits’ in personality so as to exploit better. With every victim, she/he has something that the psychopath wants. Whether it’s money, sex, a babysitter for his children, an image prop as a wife/mother, whatever it is he wants, he is determined to get it no matter who gets hurt.

      Keeping in mind that psychopaths are NEVER faithful, you can be assured that while he might be on ‘hiatus’ right now, he’s not going to stay there. Psychopaths bore easily and are major risk takers. This is FUN for them, a game they play. Psychopaths are power addicts. I love you from a psychopath means “I have power over you”. This is why the psychopath can make repeated curtain calls once the relationship is over (in my work with survivors, she wonders if he’ll ever return or try to contact her, often this is said to me as if it isn’t what she wants, but it IS what she wants, as if he is going to come begging back to redeem himself with her or that it’s proof of his inability to forget her, when it isn’t. IT’s power over). There are survivors who are definitively over the psychopath and yet he stalks her relentlessly. Many men and women grieve the psychopath in the relationship as his abuse is not only integral to his disorder, but is something that, with every single hurt, begins to create, for some survivors, the beginning of the ‘end’).

      I hope this helps to answer some of your questions, BLT. If you have more, feel free to ask anytime.

  35. Becky says:

    Hello,

    I had an experience with a narcissist the end of 2012. I was only involved for about 6 months but it was life changing, I found out that he was cheating on me with a number of women including his ex girlfriend. At the time I communicated with her what he was doing but she stayed with him. I saw recently (on Facebook) that he is now engaged to that girlfriend and do wonder if he is a changed man despite knowing he was unfaithful to her also (he was identified by friend of mine on ‘tinder’ a year or so ago).

    It’s been awhile and although I don’t want him back, I struggle with the fact he seemingly ‘got away with everything’. It still bothers me and I’m annoyed at myself that it does…is this normal?

    Thank you.

    • Hi Becky!

      Thanks for your comment. As for ‘normal’ I’m not a big fan of that word. Is it common? yes.

      First, to address your comment about his apparent ‘change’. This is I find a fascinating thought process, even though I’ve experienced this too, in the past with both my ex’s. In retrospect, it’s silly to think that a psychopath/narcissist can change. I take into consideration my own efforts at recovery and change. I’m five years into recovery and feel I’ve barely hit the tip of the iceberg with my semi truckload of issues. IF a psychopath were to change, I can’t imagine the mammoth effort that would be and for how long, especially when your disorder is ‘rewarding’. What they are good at, is deprivation while in the relationship. This deprivation is a tactic used to keep power over the victim. The psychopath/narcissist intentionally does not give you what you want as the relationship progresses. Is it not a wonder that a survivor feels that the psychopath’s next victim will somehow be rewarded with someone she never had, or had only ONCE (during love bombing)? A reality check is very important here. The only ‘change’ the psychopath makes, is the mask he wears to present to the new victim (because she is a totally different person), giving him a new look, attitude or ‘personality’ that feels as if he’s ‘changed’ to the previous victim and the BIGGEST change is…..the victims. He changes victims as fast as we change underwear.

      Unfortunately, Becky, he did get away with it. I thought about this for a long, long time and the sorrow and pain in knowing that not only had I participated in my own ‘duping’, but that he was able to do so for so long and felt nothing about it. The truth is that they don’t suffer consequences to what they do. They do not have the capacity to do so. The most painful part of recovery is based in a very uncomfortable reality and that is acceptance. Acceptance that he has a disorder that you can’t cure or change, that HE won’t change. Acceptance that these people do not feel ‘badly’ for what they’ve done (no remorse or guilt), but merely it was just one more victim in his entourage of victims, that was duped. When survivors are able to accept that it happened, that there are people on this earth without empathy, who do not display nor feel any guilt or remorse for the pain they cause, that they actually enjoy this, and most importantly, with acceptance of the reality that the psychopath is who he IS, without the expectation of any closure or any apologies from him, is the only way to heal. It’s a tremendously difficult and life altering experience, but one that can be positive if we work on ourselves.

      There is nothing ‘normal’ about a pathological relationship, nor how we think about it when we are initially out of the relationship. It’s one of the most toxic relationships on the planet. In accepting this, I realized that I had a lot of work to do on myself, because what sense does it make that I would WANT a PSYCHOPATH In my life, nor why would I want to CARE what he thinks, or what he is or isn’t doing?

      There is one thing you can be certain of: he hasn’t changed one bit. He will do the same to her, to the rest of his victims that he’s done to you. He enjoys it and so now that you’re safely out of the relationship, you can learn to accept what happened, work on yourself and your own life and find out why a psychopath was a viable relationship choice, before awareness. What were your vulnerabilities that he honed in on in the beginning? What can you change within yourself so that another psychopath will never infiltrate your heart, mind or soul again? Those questions are far more important than giving any thought to an individual who enjoys harming others, while you have the ability to love….

  36. Ariana says:

    I know I’m late but this helped clear my mind of my abusive ex fiance of 4 years who turned abusive after the 2nd year. I seriously feel bad for his new fiance and their infant son because my ex fiance was molested andwas forced to do some things i always wondered if that’s why he became abusive.things he wasn’t the same person over time it started out slowly I should have seen the red flags, it was put Downs then name calling then verbal then it became emotional. He had to have control, I would cry and he would call me pathetic. I got physically abused/attacked by a mutual friend and he didnt do anything just stood there and he would let me use his cell phone to call the police so I had to run to a store and use there phone. When we got back to his apartment he wouldn’t let me use his phone so I could go home, I wanted to do was go home. I really should have seen red flags when he would always say “I could hurt you right now” “I could break your arm like this if I wanted to” little things like that. Then things just kept getting worse he purposely would fuck with my head then he got jealous and possessive he snapped and put his hands around my throat and began to strangle me, I didn’t know what to do so I just let him and cried. He then stopped and put a knife to his throat and and broke down crying, told me I should find someone better. But of course I stayed and things got better but then worse again then out of no where he calls me and we fight and broke up but not really then not even a week later he’s fucking his bestfriends girlfriend his roommate they move away together and she gets pregnant not even 2 months later. Then while she was pregnant he would hit me up out of random at times and try to play his sick games and mind fuck me into making think I miss him and how he would say he misses me so I finally put my foot down and told him I don’t want to be friends anymore and for us to just be strangers again. I always wondered forever why just why, and now this article just literally answered all my question and all his behavior. Now I have a child by someone else and there starting to show the same behavior and I’m definitely not going through that shit ever again so I called things off and left with my daughter and honestly other was best decision of my life. I have honestly never been happier and I’m finally my self again, I lost my self and found my self again. Thank you for this on point article now I can move forward with my life

    • Arianna,

      That’s great. I’m really glad to hear you bailed on the second before it drained you completely as well as for the sake of your child. Being alone is very scary, but there is no better way to get to know yourself, through and through and learn to love yourself so much that being alone is far better than being in a toxic, hellish relationship. I wish you the best.

  37. Becky says:

    Thank you…your words have been greatly comforting as well as illuminating..

    X

  38. Laura says:

    Thank you for this post. Nine months I finally left him.I moved across the ocean to by physically unable to get back with him like I always did 8 times in fact. I planned my escape for a year and a half prior to this in secret (i think that was why I succeeded in this). Still after being here he would bombard me with love. I tried to cut things off but I couldn’t. The pain when I was doing it was unbearable. He’d say what I needed to hear to continue what he now called a long distance relationship. I finally have the guts to finish it but I have panic attacks, I cry uncontrollably. I feel he has so much power over me that my mind is acting like I’m about to commit a suicide when actually is just getting rid of a person from my life. Recently I thought… about the new person, because I knew the new relationship would be plastered all over facebook a week after I tell him we’re over… which is in two weeks. and guess what I had a panic attack again. But this article helped. It reminded me why I left in the first place. and why I still talk him and why I need to stop. Thank you.

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