“Why Did He Choose Her and not ME?”- The Psychopath’s Discard and the New Victim

     There is an extremely painful reality with most survivors of psychopathic or narcissistic abuse that seems to be a huge sticking point in early recovery:  The psychopath’s ability to move on as if she never existed and take up with someone new. This is universal. And because it is, it has been written about countless times by others, but in addressing a survivor’s angst about it, it is often met with, “Don’t focus on what he’s doing” or “It’s time to move on.” These pat answers do not validate a survivor’s ‘why’ questions, nor help to alleviate even a little bit of pain from relationship with an individual that represents what extremes really are when it comes to abuse.

Most of the blog posts, articles and books I’ve read about this in trying to find answers and solace for myself when I dealt with my ex psychopath luring and capturing his new victim awhile back (and all the victims in between), address the issue of the reality of his moving on so fast and why. The reasons for this are outlined with regards to his propensity for boredom, thrill seeking behavior and novelty, his tendency to idealize, while his targeting is very specific to what he wants out of the potential victim, be it money, sex, an image prop, or simply to exploit in an effort to achieve ‘power over’.

Outlining the characteristics of these men (and women too)  is helpful in understanding why he did this, yet it does little to ease a survivor’s pain. Many survivors seek validation about their judgment in having ended the relationship, whether or not they did the right thing, or if they were right about him.

If they were dumped, they want to know what they did that was so wrong that he could have left and taken up with someone else so fast, when chances are he was doing this before he left and just found a new victim that will give him what he wants. Remember, psychopaths needs and wants change all the time.

There is not a victim on the planet capable of fulfilling the psychopath’s insatiable needs and addiction to power and control. As fast as he appears to attach to the new victim, is as fast as he can detach from her, or anything else he wanted or needed at one time or another, from his previous victims.

What you, the survivor, really want to hear is that he’s an asshole and that the relationship he has now won’t work. You want to hear that you weren’t  ‘wrong’ about him and that’s he’s not changed in another relationship, although he will give every indication possible that this is what he’s done.

The articles and blogs I’ve read, encourage a survivor to hurriedly move on from obsessing about their pain and why he is now with someone else. My approach to that is a little different. It’s very difficult to move on from the relationship when you need understanding about the psychopath/narcissist and validation with that understanding. So I will attempt to piece meal this a little bit in hope that it helps you to understand that the chances of his relationship working out with the next victim are ZERO.

Now I’ll explain why.

Psychopaths have no empathy. Yes, I know, you wanted to believe he loved you. You wanted to believe what he said was true. You wanted to believe that no one on earth could possibly be so deceptive and such a lying piece of shit! I know! But guess what? He is. And he can lie, deceive and manipulate without blinking an eye. The psychopath can do this because they think, they do not feel.

It’s very disconcerting and frightening to watch a psychopath target another victim. I had opportunity to see this with my ex, when he was doing his online dating near the end of the relationship with me. The mask slipping, he did not hide his predatory behavior from me once I knew, but he didn’t know how closely I was observing, while suspecting and researching his potential disorder.

He assessed each target according to his needs. Women are often so upset when they see the new victim. The survivor obsesses on the new victim’s ‘appearance’ and who she is and his appearances and images of bliss from his social networks. In a culture that is somewhat narcissistic and superficial, image is everything, right?  Wrong. What images were projected when he was with you? Looking in back at the WHOLE of the relationship, was that image accurate? Or did it serve the psychopath’s exploitative and manipulative purposes at the time?

What astounded me in my observance of my ex’s predatory dating habits was that it didn’t really matter what the potential new victim looked like. The new target’s appearance was merely secondary to fulfilling his needs. He had moved through an earlier time in his life where he needed a woman as a beautiful, thin, wife and mother prop, such as the first and second wives were for him, and instead was moving closer to the ‘retirement’ phase of his life, requiring an entirely new set of ‘needs’ to be met by his potential targets. He was attempting to date lonely women with money. His bank account and the desire to live comfortably in retirement, needing someone to help pay off his massive debts from borrowed money and child support/half his 401k to his wife, said it was time for a change!

I noticed that the majority of the women  he was targeting, exploiting and manipulating, were vulnerable. All were successful in some way, but much older, overweight, divorced, single a long time, widowed. None were “attractive” in the sense of what he had chosen before. This, in his mind, would guarantee a new victim’s emotional dependence upon him because her very vulnerabilities were linked to her low self worth, her appearance, or her mounting loneliness, no matter how ‘successful’ she was monetarily. Many a survivor believes that her monetary success should somehow prevent such targeting from a predator. Some survivors believe that they were ‘happily single’ and ‘just a little lonely’ when the psychopath showed up. But these vulnerabilities are NOT superficial and grow over time to be enormously subconscious. A dull ‘ache’ in the psyche is bait for the psychopathic predator.

As my ex-psychopath sifted through potential victims, he studied each one intently, assessing her for her use value. He studied her vulnerabilities, the things she liked and disliked. He researched her on the internet through Google searches to find out more about her. He found out through facebook what she liked to eat, drink, and who her friends and family were.

It did not take him long to shift into low gear and strategize in luring two potential victims. One of them was an old high school friend that was now somewhat wealthy and owned her own business. She was the ultimate catch in his mind, but she was far too healthy and caught on to his games. She wouldn’t have anything to do with him. Six weeks prior to asking the current victim (now wife) to marry him, he made one last attempt to ‘date’ the target with the most financial value. She rejected him. So he went in for the kill with victim three. My ex never considered taking a breather to ‘work on himself’ between his divorce, his continued relationship with me and its ending, and his fast paced luring of victim three into marriage after eleven months of dating. But you see, this is what psychopaths do…

Healthy men and women do not want to get married at the speed of light! Psychopaths and Narcissists are consistent ‘boundary pushers’. The love bombing is the height of abuse in the relationship and requires an excessive amount of energy on the part of the psychopath to exploit and manipulate, to cultivate a victim’s future emotional dependence and addiction to him.

So think about this for a minute:  This is how your ex probably targeted you. It was once surprising to me, while hearing many survivor stories, how the survivor so easily forgets the love bombing, manipulation and exploitation of her and does not recognize this behavior with the new victim.

Part of this inability to recognize what I term as ‘new victim’ envy, is that the survivor, this time, is observing the psychopath’s love bombing and it harkens the survivor back to a time when he was so seemingly engaged and ‘into’ her, when the psychopath, in reality, never really was ‘into her’ in the truest and meaningful sense.

The psychopath would never have a victim if abuse were introduced from the beginning in a way that pushes the potential victim away, even though exploitation and manipulation IS abuse. The psychopath is investing all of his energies into the new victim, not only to get his needs met, and to win the victim’s addiction to him, but once the victim is dependent, the psychopath begins the cycle of deprivation all throughout the relationship to come. It is the survivor’s ultimate deprivation through the loss of the psychopath, the withdrawal of addiction to the psychopath, that the survivor is experiencing as she observes the psychopath with the new victim.

The new ‘relationship’ the survivor observes with the new victim appears to be vastly different, as if the psychopath has changed. In a way, this is true, as some things that occurred with the survivor will not be the same in the new ‘relationship’, because the new victim is a different person with different unhealthy boundaries and vulnerabilities.

The psychopath’s projected images of happiness that you see, or rather ‘their’ happiness, are just that! But in reality, the luring and honeymoon phase of the relationship are manifestations of the disordered one’s psychopathy and narcissism.

It’s critical to remember that psychopaths will ‘morph’ into and mirror their new victims. Her interests and passions in life will not be like yours, therefore it makes sense that he will appear to be ‘different” and in a way he is, because he is now pretending to be her perfect partner. What you are seeing, quite literally, is that he has become an extension of her. He is now a reflection of her interests and who she is because he cannot do this for himself. Psychopaths are chameleons, empty to the core. They are different personalities for each individual they come into contact with.

A personal example of this with my last psychopath and one of his targets (while being involved with and just before marrying the new victim), who liked eating at exotic restaurants, so he studied up on it a bit and was prepared to dine on exotic foods to which he would never eat again when she rejected him. His need to present a persona with her was over. Never once, in ten years, did I see this man eat kangaroo! My ex abandoned this spontaneous ‘obsession’ with the exotic likes of his potential target when he knew she was not taking the bait. He did, however utilized some tactics he used with her and applied it vigorously to the new victim. Much like a snake shedding its skin, the psychopath leaves most of his former, yet newly created persona behind, without ever looking back, if the new target is not interested.

My ex is also a worship leader in his new church, so image is very important to him, appearing to be a ‘good’ Christian man. His circles have dwindled a bit since the last church that he attended with his ex-wife, but nevertheless, he was calculating in that the new victim was clueless about his past behavior and was not from his immediate area. This made it easier for him to create a new persona and to distance from those in his community who knew of his deviant behavior and take up with those that support his charade. He was able to compartmentalize and isolate the new victim from those who knew of his past. But there are those around him, his children included, that know of his behavior and past, yet work with him to hide it under the guise of the ‘redeemed’. The psychopath counts on these supportive individuals to keep his facade and image going and the new victim blinded to his former life.

His targeting is really quite predictable as are the consequences. The reality is that a psychopath will never be short on victims. There are many, many vulnerable victims in the world, a lot of unhealthy people. If this doesn’t work out for my ex, he will simply move onto the next victim.

Now, what about the new victim that stays? Well, how long did you stay? Why did you stay? We can’t assume she is staying for the same reasons and it doesn’t mean that he’s not abusive anymore. It means that she’s willing to buy into all of his bullshit, while he pushes the boundaries very slowly in an effort to gain more control in her life under the guise of a protective and powerful love. Just like he did with you. 

It’s the depth of emotional dependence and of vulnerabilities that were exploited in the victim, that determines how long she stays, as well as the psychopaths ability to prolong the honeymoon period, further cultivating that dependency. Some victims are much more emotionally dependent than others. The very deeply imbedded vulnerabilities the victim has, without empathy, the psychopath reaches in and pulls out, even while she may believe she has none at all.

During luring, psychopaths easily assess the potential ‘longevity’ of their targets willingness to stay, based upon their histories and vulnerabilities, her belief systems and his ability to push her boundaries. The healthier she is, the least likely she will stay long and will catch on to the psychopaths oddities, behaviors, lies, intentions and deceptiveness, covered up right now in all that Mr. Wonderful.

A man of good character, someone of healthy mind, has no need to exploit and manipulate women. The men I have in my life now, who are friends of mine, find my ex-psychopath to be and what he did to me, unfathomable and repulsive to them.
Healthy minded men, will also recognize that they need to take time from a long marriage or relationship to grieve, with self reflection and time out for themselves to be alone for awhile. Regardless of what myths befall men in our society, there are men who do this. There are men who ask themselves, “What happened?” and “What changes do I need to make and what do I need to learn from this?” How do I know this? Because many of them are survivors too.

People who are healthy do not run from relationship to relationship, hiding from themselves, or chasing a utopia that does not exist, yet are fantasies that lie in what our culture and society defines as romantic and erotic love. The manifestation of true love and happiness. As most survivors learn to understand, once the relationship ends, is that this ‘fantasy’ is not remotely real.

Healthy men do not degrade, humiliate, use, lie, rewrite history, omit parts of their histories with new partners, hide behind their mask of narcissistic religiosity and/or monetary success. They have remorse, they have guilt, they do not talk about their ex’s in degrading, humiliating ways. Not even in subtly. Healthy men do not need to control, rush the relationship, love bomb, suffocate, manipulate their children or other minion (supporters), to keep their secrets.

They do not need to mirror the likes and dislikes of their victims because they will have their own likes and dislikes that differ in degree from their partner. Healthy men will not triangulate others with the new victim, whether he uses the ex-wife, her children, his children or the family dog, Healthy men do not do this.

Healthy men are not habitually unfaithful and live double lives, but all psychopaths do. If a healthy man does ‘cheat’, they make amends immediately and work on themselves and their relationships to change it. A psychopath never will. A healthy man does not sabotage, create drama, have child like temper tantrums, rage out of control, laugh at your pain. They do not provoke arguments, do not twist words, do not blame shift or project blame onto you or others. They do not spend time talking about how awful so and so is and what was done to them. They do not purposely and sadistically provoke reactions out of you,  just to watch you writhe.

A healthy relationship does not cause confusion and chaos. It does not create cognitive dissonance, it does not repeat painful behaviors meant to harm.

Healthy minded men do not tell you that  you are their ‘soul mate’. They do not assume intimacy and love within the first few weeks or even several months. They do not move in with, or marry you within months in order to access your bank account to help pay off their debt. Have I listed enough?

The only thing that a psychopath or narcissist changes is his persona and his victims. Nothing more.

At the beginning of the relationship, during the honeymoon phase, the psychopath is very suffocating in his apparent ‘neediness’ of his target. He makes her to believe that he is protective and ‘jealous’ of anyone who dares to get near her. This appearance of ‘need’ and spending so much ‘smothering’ time with the new victim is about control. It is about power. This is a very critical piece that survivors need to remember when they think  he’s ‘happier’ with her. The only time a psychopath is ‘happy’ is when he’s got what he wants and only for awhile because eventually, without empathy or conscience, his boredom once again becomes an issue and it’s not long before he’s on the prowl, even while he is with the new victim.

I’ve yet to meet one survivor whose ex did not cheat, whether she knew about it during the relationship or after. Some psychopaths are cheating from the very beginning, setting up their triangulations before hooking the main target permanently, like my ex-psychopath was. This assures his ability to remain completely uncommitted in the marriage or in a co-habitation situation. Psychopaths also love triangulations and pitting women against one another, while they adore and worship him, is one of their favorite games.

Many a survivor has shared with me that while their ex’s are hooking up, or are hooked up with the new victim, that he attempts to ‘come back’ to her, or that he’s sleeping with someone else she knows and the new victim is not aware of this, yet the survivor sharing this oft repeated story, can’t understand why he seems so happy with ‘her’? Do you see the obvious contradiction in this? How ‘happy’ is he, when he’s trying to bait you, and/or sleeping with someone else? Flirting with someone else? Our deprivation, brainwashing and exploitation by the psychopath, makes the reasons he has ‘chosen her and not you’, look as ridiculous as it truly is.

The psychopath’s entire life is all about controlling and exploiting others. They are time freaks and they compartmentalize everything  and everyone in their lives. They usually have many cellphones with easily removable sim cards, as well as multiple email addresses, online dating sites under pseudonyms that they hide brilliantly from their main target. Do you really want to be her again?

The fantasy that the psychopath builds for the victim from the beginning is very powerful and involves her deepest vulnerabilities. If she is already at an emotional deficit and is vulnerable, the psychopath will have better success in keeping her in the relationship, no matter how abusive it will become. This is where it’s important to be mindful about your escape and how fortunate you are to have gotten out. The new victim will surely suffer an immeasurable amount of pain in the future. I have seen victims who have relinquished their power completely, unable to live without their psychopaths to the point of complete enmeshment and addiction that will be life long, no matter what the psychopath does to her. 

I know how painful it can be to see the psychopath and his new victim in ‘real time’ on his social network. Whether in images or in person, but we have to look past what we see as exclusive and bring into reality the whole picture. This picture includes what he did to you and every other victim in his life. Psychopaths have an insatiable addiction to power and the subsequent pain of the abuse they create and cause for others.

As survivors, we literally have to learn how not to want the psychopath anymore. Deprogramming and excising our addiction to him comes through no contact. When we see who he really is, the jealousy, anger and hurt about the new victim will ease over time. Who wants to marry, live with and/or date a psychopathic abuser? If you still want or love him, it’s because you are looking upon him with eyes of empathy. You’re projecting your feelings onto someone who is incapable of having them. It’s also a reflection of the wounds you must heal, a reflection of your low self worth, forfeited for his opinions of you. It’s a reflection of his power over you and the emotional dependence you have upon him.

Survivors begin to move forward when they understand and finally accept that their ex partner was disordered. It’s at this point that they are they able to switch gears and begin to look at their involvement in the relationship and what made them vulnerable to a psychopath or narcissist in the first place.

Changing your perspective hurts. You will have to take every positive thought about him and change it into one that is realistic. His ‘love’ for you was manipulation, the rest was deprivation and abuse. He lives to take you to the highest emotional mountaintop in the beginning and watch your reactions as he slowly or quickly pushes you off, watching as you fall, and ‘rejoicing’ in sadistic glee as you hit bottom.

Is this really the life you would want to continue? The life you just escaped and that the new victim now has to contend with?

As you cultivate your own independence and change the story of the relationship to an accurate one with regards to the psychopaths love bombing and subsequent abuses, it will help you to embrace yourself and your new life more, bringing relief to you and your new freedom. For you truly are free.

When you struggle with his ‘choice of her over you’, keep in mind your own beginning with him, what he did to you, what happened during the relationship, and that true and real change does not occur with a simple change of victims and persona, but through self reflection, therapy, and most of all time. NO ONE can ‘change’ someone else to ‘instant happiness’. Don’t allow the fantasy he fed you and that you briefly lived in his exploitation of you, to be the guiding principle in gauging his ‘change’ with her or his ‘new life’ with her. She will have her own lessons to learn,  just as you are learning them now.

I wish you peace.

*If the blog has been helpful, please consider a donation to my paypal address kelli.hernandez46@gmail.com*

**Note: Psychopath is my term of preference, however narcissist and sociopath are also interchangeable here. While I use ‘he’ in referencing the psychopath, this article also applies to men who have been the victims of psychopathic women.

 

 

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269 Responses to “Why Did He Choose Her and not ME?”- The Psychopath’s Discard and the New Victim

  1. Karen says:

    As a follow up to this, I have now become obsessed with stalking him and his wife on Facebook. I keep trying to find out things about them and spend so much time looking them up. This is bothering me so much. I know I need to put this energy into finding a healthy relationship with a man who is available. I am thinking about going no contact soon. I told him recently I didn’t feel comfortable doing this and he just said we’ll just text then. His texting was him constantly flirting with me until I gave in- again. I am really glad to have read this article and know there are other people out there going through the same thing.

    • Julie says:

      Oh how I understand you and feel your pain. Let me however prevent you from more pain.
      You see my story is similar. I met him at work. He was so good looking, said all the right things and made me feel desirable again. I had already been divorced and raising three kids alone. After 14 lonely years here he was feeding me with lots of attention I hadn’t had in a very long time. Sexually he made me feel like I was the best thing on earth. His obsessive calls and texts made me feel he needed and desired me. This was a Huge red flag though!!! A wedding ring. But of course he made her out to be this crazy, lazy, fat, bitch that controlled everything he did. He said the only reason he was there was because of his precious daughter. Well, I finally got what I thought I wanted. He lived with her a couple of weeks then me a couple of weeks and this went on for two years. He played us both and litterly dragged are emotions and self esteem through the mud. He played the many several suicide attempts and begging and stalking to the both of us making us think he needed us.
      To make matters worse I became pregnant with twins. The physical and emotional abuse really then took my life upside down. He choked me, hit me, shoved me down, forced sex constantly on me, tried to force me to mis carry, tried to force an abortion on me, through things at me, humiliated me at are job with other women he was sleeping with, called me whore, bitch, slut you name it, pulled chunks of my hair out, picked his nose and put his snot on me. I could go on and on. Well after a nervous and mental break down oh and severe depression I went into labor and had the babies and they survived. I struggled to get my life back but I had to return to work and there he was. He all of a sudden adored me again and wanted a family.
      After all that I wanted to desperately believe him. I made the worst mistake of my life and went back to him. My life really took a turn for the worst. Two more years of him continuing to cheat on me with his ex wife and strings of woman on line. His violence escalated and the verbal abuse hit a new high. He humiliated me at my job daily. He had many convinced I was crazy and he was this macho cool guy. He manipulated and threatened me in ways that I can not even discuss here. When I tried to leave him after the 100th time litterly he called the cops and told them I hit him and had me arrested. And later told me if I tried to leave again there would be hell to pay and he would do it again.
      Yes, I went back again. I became so sick. I wanted to die. I gained 80lbs, severe depression, anxiety, PTSD and the worst self worth imaginable. I even lost my job. He was finally forced to resign after I filed a complaint but it hurt me too cause no child support.
      I gave this bastard everything. My time, my heart, my love, I never cheated, I gave him my money, I forgave and forgave like he said if I was a real christian I had to forgive him. I believed all his lies. Kept going back hoping and praying this time he would love me and our twins. Every time he manipulated me into going back was just one more length of time for me to suffer and bang my head against the wall.
      What I am trying to say is the first time a person shows you who they are BELEIVE them!!! As Mayo Angelou once said. I wish I had known better. Each day is a struggle. I still don’t have a job. I suffer everyday still from all the abuse and my self esteem is still in the dumps. I do have my life and my beautiful twins. I thank God I got out and pray for all victims of psycho paths. May we all get out before they suck the life out of us. LITERLY!!

      • Julie,

        Thanks for sharing.

        The reasons survivors go back time and time and time again, I’m CONVINCED is that they do not believe with all of their hearts that this man is as evil, depraved and conscienceless as he REALLY IS. We often project our own empathy onto others…and I believe this is so subconscious that the assumptions made about someone as if they have the capability to understand us, keep us twisted up in trying to understand THEM…

        They are no joke. They are lethal and dangerous. Julie, I am glad you’re out and I’m GLAD you’re alive, because believe it or not, there are many women who do not and the biggest mistake they make, is that they do not genuinely ‘get’ that this person is LETHAL…and completely, TOTALLY depraved. They remember the beginning, when the beginning was a LIE. IT IS A LIE…thank you for sharing

      • Julie says:

        Thank you and GOD bless you and your blog.

    • Hi Karen,

      So you’re the OW…welcome to my blog. I was the OW too, so I can share a little bit, with you about this. I’d like to first go over this with you. Above you said, “I know I need to put this energy into finding a healthy relationship with a man who is available.” ~ My question to you would be WHY? What about putting energy into YOU. Learning to love yourself? I’ll explain according to what you’ve written here. By the way, I think you are VERY, VERY brave and courageous for sharing as the OW. This is a BIG trigger for a lot of survivors here who were married to unfaithful ‘spaths’. But I know, having played both parts, wife to a spath for 20 years and OW to another for 10, that neither side of the coin is a ‘winner’ when it comes to a psychopath, Karen. What does she have that you don’t? Well, a pathological, lying, sadistic, conscienceless, exploiter. Is that really something you want? Are you really SURE about that? You see, this is where even the best of us get caught up in pathological dynamics that are unhealthy at best, or at worst, ‘lining up’ with the psychopath, taking on his behaviors. I swear to GOD these individuals are ‘contagious’ in our relationships with them.

      So he is texting flirtatous texts with you….and your jealous of what you believe she has? Oh you mean Prince Charming? Or a dangerous lethal psychopath who doesn’t mind hurting you OR her. And if she doesn’t know, don’t think that if she did, she would be okay with his behavior? Although while she’s not okay with the behavior, it will be YOU that is targeted. In other words, men who are faithful don’t cheat, emotionally or physically, not even on text. But he ‘can’t help it’ because he has a disorder that is dangerous and lethal….and this is just what he does. If it weren’t to you, it’d be someone else. I don’t know if you’ve read much of the blog, but to any disordered individual, women are merely objects. Pawns in his/her game. We are there to serve the psychopaths purposes, be it sex (they are extremely hypersexual), or as marital partners so they can disguise their double lives and MANY times, just for fun for the psychopath. He gets bored REALLY easily, so having many women all at once, is fun for him. When he get can them triangulated, hating each other, envious of each other, it’s even MORE fun for him. Psychopaths are mysogynists, Karen. They have a great disdain for all women because he views them as weak and when we’re fighting over him, we prove ourselves to be as catty and even more weak, as the psychopath believes we are.

      Now, sharing from the experience of being an OW. When you’re the OW of the spath, you are love bombed no less than the wife of a spath. You think you’ve just met the most amazing man. And what he’s really doing is blowing smoke up our asses. HE’s appealing to our EGO…and we feel ‘connected’, “bonded’, “soul mate’ to this person and he even tells us this, right? Then we go to bed with him rather early in the relationship because he insists upon this, because psychopaths are the ultimate boundary violators and if you have no personal boundaries of your own, you’re toast when it comes to a psychopath. I had zero boundaries, zero self esteem, zero self respect, zero self love. What self respecting healthy woman gets involved with a man when he’s MARRIED? Or when he has a ‘serious’ girlfriend? What self respecting woman goes to bed with the most lethal individual on the planet a week after meeting? The psychopath wants sex with you and FAST because he knows this is how empathic people BOND and there is no deeper bond then when we are sexually intimate. He needs this to happen so you won’t ask questions. The more ‘in love’ you think you are with this predator, the more hooked you become, the harder it is to get out. I use to wish the same thing, Karen…that my ex would leave his wife….well, turns out she divorced him and guess what? GAME.OVER…he wanted FRESH Prey that he could utilize to build back an image of loving husband, father, worship leader, blah blah blah…and of course, money. He did manage this, but a few months ago, I saw him with another woman….who was not his wife…who was out of the country at the time. It never ends, Karen. I don’t think she’s at all lucky, I feel very sorry for her because she will endure the SAME THING that the rest of his ‘women’ have. IT wasn’t until I was out of the relationshit that I discovered that I wasn’t the only OW either! Oh there are many, many more…..it is never what you think it is, because he is NOT what you have him built up in your mind to be. The depravity and deceit, exploitation runs DEEP with this guy, on a level that you can never imagine. The reality is that he’s exploiting you AND he’s exploiting her AND he’s exploiting other women too. I thank GOD I did not ‘get’ what I thought I would when the relationship ended. SO grateful for that. I dodged a MAJOR bullet, because when a psychopath is DONE with you the mask is off, Karen and it is VERY unpleasant indeed.

      Psychopaths have an uncanny ability to make us want them in a desperate sort of way. This happens because they DEPRIVE you…there is always DEPRIVATION in the relationship and in this case, he refuses to give you want you think you want, which is to marry YOU. They do this to keep you addicted…dependent on them. I wonder if this ‘deprivation’ piece was what threw the GF over the edge enough that it resulted in marriage, and even if she doesn’t know it, YET he is depriving her AGAIN…and you really don’t know in what ways that he is. He will never marry you. He will never be with you, Karen. You’re another one of his many OW’s and it’s why he targeted you again after you didn’t speak for a year. He could care less that you called the GF. He baited you and due to that deprivation, you took it. That’s part of what keeps OW’s going back. They want the full meal deal and they see what they wife is getting so they think that he’s giving her something he’s not to the OW. This addiction is so strong, that we forget about the ‘sistahood’. We don’t care that he’s married and we don’t care about her either. This is what I talk about when I discuss suspension of empathy. This is where the psychopath’s projections of lack of morality come in. We lose that too, because we’re so focused on the addiction (psychopath) and what he’s depriving us of what we think we could have with him (WE. CANT),that the spouse doesn’t even matter anymore. This is kind of the ‘sickness’ that we take on in the pathological dynamic in the relationship we do things we would normally NEVER do when we move away from the psychopath and the constant deprivation he creates. When the wife figures out that he’s been depriving her too, of a FULL commitment, the fireworks get rolling and the psychopath fans the flames of jealousy and hatred. And guess what? She’s involved in the pathological dynamic too, Karen. I’m sure his wife puts up with crap out of him that you don’t even know about. But the reality that he’s unfaithful to her, that he will always be unfaithful to her will be of no consequence when she finds out about you. He will demonize and smear you from here to next week. SHE will listen to his shit and demonize YOU too. He is more likely to dump you, then he is she, because for whatever reason, she serves a utility to him, whether it be image, money, whatever the reason, she gives him something that you don’t that is more important to him. The thing about that is that the OW tends to think that what he’s giving HER is LOVE, when that is NOT at all the case because they are INCAPABLE of this. Many psychopaths get married because they can live parasitically off a woman (even if he makes his OWN money), or he can use her as an image prop and build a reputation that would only happen in association with her. My ex psychopath targeted and married his wife to create an image of himself as faithful, loving Christian husband and father when he was NONE of that. He was rounding up OW’s from the beginning of his marriage, and when his wife divorced him, and he was just about to marry victim three, he was already SCOUTING OW’s SIX WEEKS before they got married!! And if it weren’t for one of his victims letting me know this, I wouldn’t have known at all. When he told her about his life he said his wife was abusive and didn’t even MENTION me. Because you know, a ten year AFFAIR that got you FIRED from your job, doesn’t look so good on your dating resume, does it? I feel SORRY for her, Karen. God KNOWS how many women he’s bedding now…it never gets better, ever.

      So now, back to you. What is appealing about a man who cheats? What is appealing about a man who is a psychopath? What is appealing about a marriage that he’s willing to cheat on WITH YOU?
      And I’d like to suggest asking yourself the following questions, Karen, for yourself. What are my personal boundaries? Do I have any? What are my personal values, morals? Do I have an abusive past that I might want to look into to see if it plays into my desire for a psychopath? Do I really feel good about being the other woman to another woman’s husband and does that align with my morals? Aren’t I worth MORE than this? Is my radar adequate/healthy enough to spot another psychopath? Or should i take some serious down time to look at me? Where is my addiction to this man? What do I really want that keeps me clinging to him? Is he the right person to provide this? What does a healthy relationship look like to me? Do I love myself? Why am I allowing a psychopath to abuse me? Hurt me? Does what he’s doing to me in the way of hurting me, feel familiar to me? If it does, how, why? Why do I think I need a man and a relationship to feel whole? What’s missing in my life that I need/want/ How do I feel? Lonely, bored, isolated, busy, depressed, anxious? Karen, you didn’t mention whether or not you have any children. IF not and you’re single looking for a relationship, I can personally tell you that these questions are very seriously good to ask yourself and to try to answer. If this psychopath’s wife has a child with him, this WILL NOT BE A HAPPY OCCASION. Just read the many comments on my blog from survivors who have children with evil and you’ll see that it is anything but fun. If you have the opportunity STILL to work on yourself first regarding the issues that allowed this man into your life, it will be a blessing to any future children that you do have. I’m the adult child survivor of a psychopath, a survivor of partners who were psychopaths, grandparents that were psychopaths and one of my son’s is a psychopath too. If she has a child with this man, heartache, pain, abuse and trauma to herself and her children is what she has to look forward too NOT prince Charming. Psychopaths are deadly lethal. Even if they’ve never been violent before, they CAN be when the mask is off. They are psychological terrorists and the harm visited upon their children, lives in ME. It lives in my children, it lives in my LINEAGE.

      I think that you’d want better for yourself. And better is definitely possible BEFORE you flirt with disaster. You have an opportunity that many of us never had or will never have again. I hope that you’ll give this some thought. Trust me when I say that you’re dodging a bullet too if you go NC and STOP long enough to be alone for awhile. Because when we’re allowing the most lethal and toxic individual in the universe into our lives, we have some issues we need to deal with….

      Peace to you, Karen…

      • Julie says:

        Beautifully said!!!

      • Darla says:

        OMG! TATL! We could be the exact same person. Unfortunately, I too have been a victim of several NPs in my life. I am finally getting help through therapy now. It has been a really lonely place to be involved with people with these disorders as it feels as if no one believes you or they have never experienced this so they think it’s not really possible that people like this truly exist in this world. They will certainly take everything you have if you let them, and if you don’t fight for your life. It does not make me feel better that someone else has experienced the horrors of having someone in your life of this level of evil. It is a validation though that someone out there understands what victims of these disorders have experienced and survived.

      • Darla,

        It’s the validation that helps start the process in understanding what you were dealing with, but only the beginning…the rest of recovery is about us…

        Darla, did you come from a pathological home? I’m curious because you mentioned several NPD’s…thanks for your comment!

  2. Karen says:

    For me, I was not a victim of abuse when I was younger. When I met my psychopath I had come out of a relationship six months prior and went through a lot of saddness and loss with the ending of that relationship. I thought I had found the perfect man for me when I met my psychopath. He was so sweet, sweeter than any man I had ever met. He knew all the right things to say, all the right things to do. I was smitten with him early on. In hindsight there were red flags, and I wish I had ended the relationship early on. The longer I stayed with him, the more attached to him I became. I think I was lonely, and wanted to be with someone so I put blinders on. I really thought that he was “the one” but I now realize that I was in love with the fantasy that I had created about him.

    • Karen,

      “I really thought that he was ‘the one’ but I now realize that I was in love with the fantasy that I had created about him.
      Bingo.

      Loneliness doesn’t seem like a gaping vulnerability, but it is. It runs deeper then I think we believe it does when we’re feeling, thinking and expressing it. There have been survivors who wanted the fantasy so bad, (me included) that they bought their own rings, their own wedding dresses, made all the wedding arrangements, while he was along for the ride. All he had to do was nod’ yea baby’ and give a lot of sex and she was convinced…

      Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we took that fantasy and created it around loving OURSELVES first? Chances are if we put as much energy into healing ourselves and our wounds, we’d not a. ‘need’ a man to ‘complete’ us and b. if we wanted a relationship we could take it or leave it, but if someone were to approach we’d be far more aware and our radars would not be quite so broken.

      ANother reason survivors get hooked more than once, is because they’ve not healed their wounds and two, ‘but this one was so much DIFFERENT than the last….he may have a different demeanor, but the exploitation, manipulation, lying and the little red flags that are there, say he’s exactly the same…I made that mistake with spath 3….

  3. Karen says:

    I am so glad I found this article and see that other people have gone through the same thing. Great article it has been very helpful to me…

  4. Sharon says:

    He recently dumped me. I was manipulated for a year, we worked together and he had delusions of grandeur and wanted to overthrow the m.d so he could take over. I didn’t know his plan. He asked he details about who was having meetings etc and I told him. He got fired and didn’t tell me why. He kept my money and claimed it was his to everyone. He made out I was crazy. He made me pay for hotel rooms etc and then kept me waiting on them for hours. He spoke to me with contempt. He ignored my messages asking “why”, he then started love bombing someone else whilst with me. He dumped me by saying that I had lied about something which I hadnt. This is just a summary. I’m feeling really anxious about it all.

  5. Urjita Nanda says:

    I’ve been through a similar life whilst at college… I’ve dealt and I’m still dealing with a extremely low esteemed mother who wanted me to be like her and just educated me on becoming a doormat as that ensures family bond remaining intact. She made me a low esteemed person as well and all the while I believed her education to be true. I got admitted to the best college in my country for post graduation and was more than elated as it was a result of my efforts. However I was low in my esteem and hence could not win in college general elections. I took failure to heart and was disappointing as people would ignore me. I became sadder and sadder and stayed in my shell. I later on got chance to appear on TV which again improved my reputation in college but only for a short while. I was extremely vulnerable and a perfect victim for a psychopath.

    Enter a guy who took advantage of it all- while he was engaged to some other female. He became a gray rock trying to ensure that i break up with him. Gave me endless nights of emotional pain, torture and tears. I tolerated it all the while only to stay away from my mother who has narcissistic tendencies as well. He finally broke off and married the other girl. However he carried the reputation of being a charmer in college so people befriended him but nobody considered him to a good, trustworthy person. Owing to the fact that I dated him, my entire college boycotted me and spoke terribly ill behind my back. I’d to take a year and half long psychiatric treatment to get over suicidal tendencies post breakup. Now I’ve graduated from my college and I still feel bad at times about the fact that nobody ever understood me or my plight. I’ve moved back with my mother who is as narcissist as before, and sometimes I miss the psychopath’s kind words of comfort. Most of the college people have removed me from being their facebook friend as well and nobody seems to care about me except 4-5 people. Any advice about dealing with this situation?? Should I really feel bad that I’ve no friends from college at all?

    PS-I’ve a good job and I’m happy with my professional life.

    • Urjita,

      I’m not sure that this is as much of a problem with you for them, but rather a progression of life. My daughter was friend with and graduated with several. Five years later, only a few remain, busy with their lives….
      And if you’ve got a good job and your happy in your professional life, maybe making new friends is a good thing to do. College has come and gone and I think it’s rare if we stayed friends with people that are with us on our travels in life, usually for a season.

      Living with your narcissistic mother does keep pathological dynamics going in your life, and that might have much to do with missing the psychopath. Those of us raised in pathological homes, tend to what is familiar to us…

      I think if you were to find a place of your own, in the near future, it would help alleviate the missing of the ex psychopath too….we’re trauma bonded to them, insane loyalties….it ‘feels’ like a true bond, but is not.

  6. megan pox says:

    This blog really helped me alot! I must say this is the best of all the articles i have read.
    Its an eye opener.. and reading this made me realize how disgusting my ex is.. I wish him well.. Because he is sick

  7. Piper says:

    Brene Brown, PhD Therapist/Author, Shame-Researcher, reminds us to not see “vulnerability” through the shame lens. Recognizing our vulnerabilities allows us to get creative and to change.
    There is no shame at all in wanting comfort from someone when we are, for instance, grieving the loss of beloved family members, or when we are lonely and hoping for real love. Even therapists who write the books about sociopaths get fooled by them and sucked in unawares because psychopaths are GOOD at pretending. I hope no one who reads these posts feels shamed because they were vulnerable or because they were fooled.

    One of the very best books I’ve read about the broad-range that is Narcissism, is Dr. Alexander Lowen’s “Narcissism–Denial of the True Self.” He had a very different slant on this Narcissistic Culture we live in. Because of reading his book, I now believe getting hooked by a narcissist may not always be because the victim had low self-worth or “should” have kept her vulnerability from allowing it. I believe now that many of us, from infancy to adulthood, are somewhat numb, and that if you’re somewhat numb, you just don’t tune into what your GUT INSTINCTS are trying to warn you about. Many of us, from the get-go, were SHAMED whenever we felt any normal negative feelings. The Narcissist, of course, has this problem and completely numbed out negative feelings (which give us conscience), as well as empathy and real joy. But the fact is, most of us have some degree of narcissism going on within ourselves, how could we not, given we are living in a culture in which narcissism and shame are epidemic? Even Dr. Lowen admits to having a degree of NPD. I believe we all do, that it has been pervasive since at least WWII, and that there are reasons our culture switched from Victorian to Narcissistic.

    The world has witnessed war and the horrors of war, big-time, since WWI. It has made whole generations NUMB OUT. To witness horror, brings up feelings of TERROR. It makes whole generations of people depressed. Whole generations NUMB out when that happens, and it has happened around the world, not just in the US. Look at what happened in Germany! Do you think ANY of us can view that without going numb?

    Consider that T.S. Eliot has been praised as the most important poet of the last century, and that in his last work, Four Quartets, he said: “Humankind cannot bear very much reality.” I believe that is true and NOTHING to be ashamed about. We all numb out, at least somewhat, and cannot view the horrors that we’ve all been subjected to for centuries.

    Dr. Alexander Lowen says our True Self is our bodies and the feelings that register in the body. The body is the ONLY part of us that is in Present Time.
    When we go into our head, trying hard to figure out why we did this, and why “he” did that, we aren’t in touch with our body or in touch with the feelings, other than anger and rage at being victimized. There are healthy ways to work with anger, guilt, hurt, etc., and it’s important to find the healthy ways to work with negative emotions. Therapists teach us how to stay with an emotion when it rises, and how to work with it till it dissipates again. Negative emotions rise, peak and fall. For instance, if you feel anger, find a tennis racket and beat a pillow till you are exhausted.

    But the most important emotion of all to embrace so you can heal, is GRIEF. Therapy calls grief “the healing feeling.” Alexander Lowen, PhD, MD, body-mind therapist, says the SOLUTION to narcissism, whether because we’ve been victimized (and most of us have, it’s epidemic), or to cure it in ourselves, is to allow yourself to feel the terror, or the deep loneliness, or the severe hurt and betrayal, and CRY. Not just hot tears of rage, but cry and cry and cry, sob and sob and sob FROM THE BELLY. Lowen says it is the CURE. And it can’t be cured in just one sob session.

    Just think how so many people have been taught that crying is a sign that we’re on a “pity pot.” So many people shut down and stay locked in swirling negative emotions because they can’t or won’t cry. So many “spiritual” people deny and think it’s wrong to feel “negative feelings.” We live in a grief-resistant, if not grief-retarded! culture. What we need is to sob over and over from our bellies — so we can all feel again and not be numbed out.

    I think it’s easy to fall prey to a Narcissist-sociopathy/psychopath — not because we have low self-esteem or low self-worth, but because we are numb and the red-flags that should warn us and should stir up our bellies and the instincts there, don’t — because so many of our bellies are NUMB.

    There is nothing shameful about being vulnerable. All of us are HUMAN, and humans need security because we can break easily. There is nothing wrong with allowing others to see our vulnerabilities. The issue is that we become addicted to someone who SEEMS to be offering some security because we are NUMB and can’t FEEL at the time how abusive it really is, and also fear being alone in such a messed-up world. I empathize with all of us in trying to find our ways, especially with such horrific woundings during this dark dark time of Narcissistic and Shame epidemics world-wide. I sob and sob from my belly now, and it is helping to heal my own wounds, as it clears my head and the tape-loops of PTSD that wouldn’t seem to go away.

    And after researching to help myself after a terrible wounding with a psychopath, I found the bigger picture: That we live in a Narcissistic Culture and it’s world-wide these days, and that Dr. Lowen says when that happens, we need to be very aware of government officials who are acting out of the sociopathic and psychopathic degrees of narcissism. I won’t go into the horrific politics of this here — but if interested, please read Lowen’s book. When I read his book, it helped take my awareness of Narcissism as a cultural disorder from focusing on a personal level, to seeing a much bigger picture, with empathy and compassion for all of us — and a desire to share this information because it has helped me recover. Seeing a bigger picture, while at the same time doing the very hard work that GRIEF demands — is working for me. Most of us want to avoid the kind of deep-belly sobbing that Lowen speaks to as the CURE. Once I gave myself to that part of the process, it was a lot easier to let the “head stuff” go. I believe Dr. Lowen because what he offered as “cure” is working for me.

    And Dr. Brene Brown’s works are the best for helping us love ourselves and have compassion for ourselves even in our vulnerabilities and our brokenness.
    We are human, we are vulnerable. We do not need to claim “We are powerful beyond measure,” or “I am fearless,” as many spiritual and motivational teachers suggest, those statements feed narcissism. We are fragile as humans living in an unsafe world, of COURSE we would hope for security, especially in times when we are more vulnerable than usual! No SHAME.
    We don’t have to act AS IF we “should” have been different. Please STAY HUMAN, and give yourself and everyone else permission to grieve deeply the LOSS OF HUMANITY in our narcissistic, shaming culture.

    • Piper says:

      PS: It’s so important to remember that the hurt we experience when so betrayed is really a LOSS OF LOVE. We loved sincerely. We went into the relationship with a narcissist with good intentions and a natural organic desire to share love and security. When someone else cannot love or empathize and wounds us, we experience a LOSS OF LOVE. It is the loss of love we need to grieve. The grieving process will see us experiencing hurt, anger, deep sadness, disappointment — there are many stages to the grieving process. We recover from Loss of Love by Grieving Deeply. (Not by trying to think it through over and over and over.) That’s why Therapy calls Grief, “the healing feeling.” From my own direct experience I can say, the pain and the rumination and the insomnia and swirling negative emotions, including hate and rage etc., go away when grief is embraced as the CURE.

      • Piper,

        I think, and speaking only for my own experience and some of other survivors who have done a bit of work, we BELIEVED we were loving someone….but in reality, a psychopath is not a reflection of self love or self esteem.

        I think that if there is a history of trauma, those of us affected who had these individuals as PARENTS, NEVER knew love, so when we walked into these relationships what was love to us, was abuse. We were ‘numbed out’ from it all. It was familiar to us.

        I wholly believe in embracing grief and I too agree that this is the key to recovery. ALL of it must be felt, moment by moment during the process which is a long one. I’m a HUGE believer in this and my blog reflects that too. Running from pain, can also get us into another relationship with a disordered one. This has happened to me and to other survivors too.

        I really, really appreciate your comments and for the most part, I agree with them. Thank you for sharing.

    • Piper,

      Just curious, was this the only post you’ve read on my blog? I agree with much of what you’re saying here and my blog reflects much of it in a variety of posts.

      I’m glad Dr. Lowen helped you, but I refrain from ‘idealizing’ one individual to have helped me in my search for self and in dealing with my traumas, although my therapist, I think, who is bested suited to me and my traumas, is right up there, but I’ve read many, MANY books on the disorders, as well as those by survivors.

      I also agree about the prevalence of psychopathy (My term of preference), and that it’s very prevalent in society and in positions of government.

      “Numbed’ out is, in my opinion, going a bit too far, as it implies that awareness cannot change this. We have to become aware of the problem before we can change it and that won'[t happen in a ‘numbed out’ state, something that I DO think reflects much of society that is not aware of the disorders.

      I really appreciate your sharing here. Very thought provoking comment.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Wow. Your article totally nailed it. I’m four years free (though he reared his ugly head a few months ago) and I’ve never seen anyone so pathetic. To anyone entangled with someone like this– you really can’t explain to them what’s wrong…just love yourself enough to W-A-L-K and don’t look back. Don’t second guess yourself just GO.

  9. Ciara says:

    have just been “discarded” once again from a man I spent 3 1/2 years with. He repeatedly cheated on me with his ex and I know another woman. He recently text me saying thank you for loving him, that he did not use me or play with my heart but he is in love with me and his ex “when it came down to it…it was my LOVE and feelings for two women”. This statement alone hurt me to my core because it let me know that I was just a rebound for his ex. I truly believed in the illusion he placed in my head and heart. To the point that everyone in our direct circle (friends, church members) thought he loved me and was going to marry me. It hurts like HELL to be deceived, used and then thrown away like a piece of trash and it does play on one’s self esteem. I feel so stupid for allowing this man to get into my heart and thoughts as he did. It is so sad in this world that people just can’t be honest and love…..not lie and steal from one another…..and that is exactly what he did. He stole my Heart.

  10. Empath says:

    Thank you for this extremely helpful article! I want to donate to you as soon as I am able because you are gifted and brilliant bringing this to light. I struggle every day with thos happy “images” of him and his new wife. The explotation of a very young girl, it kills me inside cuz I am a Mother. He knows this will bother me for a long time, I know the truth and can see he is saying and doing the same game to her ,he did to me. He just switched a few things up. I just feel so damn bad for her. My daughter said don’t feel bad for her but she is the victim I cant help it,, it is sick. He is so sick and I wish the world knew who he was. I only know his dirty secrets. Everyone thinks he is great. It is not fair :(

    • Empath,

      Donations are always appreciated, but not necessary to received support from me. :)

      I bet you are not the only one privvy to his little dirty secrets, Empath. These individuals usually have many who are, but in differing roles they play for him. I don’t know how young this girl is, but they tend to go for younger women as they are more naive, but it’s also an incredible ego boost for the psychopath. Some of them are also pedophiles never discovered. The younger the victim is, the more telling. Just my opinion after dealing with a few sexual predators in my life.

      I think that’s the most frustrating thing for survivors, as well as the most painful, the smear campaign and others belief of his stories. They are endless, they are filled with lies and unfortunately, we live in a society that feeds off exploitation and lies. Who will believe anything the psychopaths says, no matter how contradictory, and no matter what these people once thought of you. Friendships and whole families are often lost due to the smear campaign.

      Recently, I have been able to finally touch on some of the trauma delivered me by my ex. All the things I told him, were calculated in his head as to use later. This is why the exploitation stage (love bombing) is so dangerous for the new victims. Often, it isn’t the psychopath doing all the talking, it is the victim, because the psychopath learns enough about his victims PRIOR to dating them, to understand their vulnerabilities and to establish a ‘soul mate’ connection early in the relationshit, which helps the victim engage in several bouts of verbal diarrhea. I think this is the hardest thing we have to deal with when the relationship ends, in that we were not observant and careful, therefore missed MANY red flags from the get go because love bombing is the VERY first sign you will have that you’re dealing with a disordered one…

      I pray you find Peace, Empath…:)

  11. Rookie says:

    hi,

    This is one of the best article i have read regarding this topic.I need some guidance and help regarding the same.
    I was married to a person 4 years back and he displayed very similar characterstics as you described. I was wooed into the relationship by him. There is one of his cousins whom he was really jealous of and whose proposal i rejected. Now i feel that was one of the major reasons he got married to me because he wanted to show him down. He was very attentive and used to show childlike dependency on me during 9 months of courtship. Sometimes I felt ” that something was wrong” as he suddenly used to withdraw or show very aggressive behaviour for which he used to profusely apologize the next day sending me 20-30 msgs and calls. He was very snobbish and big show off. Finally we got married and he started controlling my life in every way. He used to withdraw affection and attention and gave me silent treatment for weeks if something was done which he did not like. He kept on checking himself in mirror for hours and looked for appreciation. He used to emotionally manipulate me and was also physically abusive twice. Once he contact his ex girlfriend via FB telling her that how much he wished her well and basically wanted to be in contact again. Even though i was aware that he did a complete withdrawl without any closure from her as well. When i found about him contacting her i confronted him and he said that it was just out of whim he did and she did not mean anything to him etc etc. The whole life was about him and his wants. Between friends we were the ideal couple as he used to display that he is so madly in love with me and adores me but the moment we used to reach back home, it was a complete reversal of behaviour. After putting in all the efforts from my side finally i escaped the relationship with the timely help of my family but i still was wondering that was i the one who was wrong or was anything wrong with him? Am i the one with the problem? He got remarried recently after dating a girl for 1 year who he stated dating 1 months after our seperation. I wonder that will he keep his new wife happy? Was it really me who could not “understand him” as he states? Was i a failure? Will both of them lead a happy life while i carry on wounded and stuck?

    Please help and answer

    • Rookie,

      I apologize for being tardy in answering comments. If you’ve not found sufficient advice for your situation, I hope this comment helps.

      Survivors often ask these questions when the relationship ends. I seem to repeat myself a lot when offering support when a survivor is first out of her relationshit.
      First, psychopaths don’t change. Secondly, she’s in for what you were in for. The only difference between you and she, is personality, and whether or not she’s much more dependent. Perhaps she is willing to put up with more abuse then you were. That’s the thing with these relationships. Women (and men) automatically assume that the psychopath changes with someone else. This is FANTASY, FANTASY, FANTASY. It’s the SAME bullshit of goods that he tried to sell you in the beginning, but it worked,right? It got you into the relationship. These relationships last as long as A. the victim is willing to put up with the abuse, some will put up with it for a long time. If a survivor sees her ex married to the same woman after years, it’s not because ‘she’ is better than the survivor was, but merely that SHE has issues of her own that keep her in the cycle of abuse and dependence, that keep her addicted to him, and we never really know what the new victim’s issues are. B. the relationship ends, because the psychopath has decided his ‘needs’ have changed and another victim will give it to him. In my situation and with my observances of my ex on his dating sites and the women he pursued, were all lonely divorcees or widowed…WITH MONEY. It didn’t matter to him what she looked like, none of that mattered, what mattered is what he could GET from her. Highly in debt and paying child support and losing half his retirement to his ex, meant it was time to hook up with a woman willing to pay all of his bills and contribute to his debt removal. His victim is very, very vulnerable, has shame based issues, is overweight and very insecure about it. Don’t ask me how I know, but a recent run in with someone who did and shared this information (I didn’t ask, but I also didn’t tell her NOT to tell me), was just more validation in what I already KNEW…they need willing victims, who will remain in denial, who will put up with their abuse.

      Thank God you are no longer exposed to that. Believe it or not, Rookie, there are victims in the world who will overlook anything and everything to remain with a man. I’m glad you were cut loose, because in a very real sense, you were FREED from more devastation and trauma….

  12. Lou says:

    Amazing read! I am currently going through this and as I have kids to my ex have to hear all about his new lady! I have questioned myself for years about my instincts about who he is! But he does fit all the criteria! He plays games telling my daughter his girlfriends name and low and behold pics of them both looking so happy on social media, he’d actually taken her to the very same place he’d tsken ME when we first dated! It’s slmost like he wanted me to see this! He never introduced this women to our kids either and is now engaged, all this in a year of me ending it with him after 10 yrs of pure hell!
    I lay awake at night or dream of them together it’s total torture! Yet out of the blue I will receive a random text from him telling me he’s been to so and so today! Odd! This man enjoys bring immature!

    • No, he’s psychopathic!
      If I had a dime for every survivor who tells me that the ex is posting pics of his new love all over social media, I’d be out of poverty LOL!

      This is so very predictable. I don’t know what you’re thinking of them together, but what’s interesting to me about this is that survivors will think of him with the new victim but visualizing what it was like for the survivor and he at the BEGINNING….

      So try to work on thinking about every HELLISH situation he has put you in the last ten years, replace with HER in your shoes. Not so good, is it? :)

  13. swazisarah says:

    Best article on what a relationship with a narcissist is really like. I left mine last month after the physical abuse started and found out he was cheating. This weekend he is taking her to meet his entire family at a wedding that I was supposed to go to. It’s so easy to feel bad for myself but the reality is a healthy adult wouldn’t move at warp speed. Thanks for the reminder and also driving home the point that it’s ok to take time to process the trauma we have been through.

  14. swazisarah says:

    Best article on what a relationship with a narcissist is really like. I left mine last month after the physical abuse started and found out he was cheating. This weekend he is taking her to meet his entire family at a wedding that I was supposed to go to. It’s so easy to feel bad for myself but the reality is a healthy adult wouldn’t move at warp speed. Thanks for the reminder and also driving home the point that it’s ok to take time to process the trauma we have been through.

  15. DeAna says:

    14 years..13 married and 5 kids between us…lived it every day and still can’t wrap my head around it. He walked out on us 2 months ago. Is holding me financially hostage trying to get me to agree to terms of a divorce that do nothing but benefit him. Not happening! His new supply is younger and so needy I almost feel sorry for her, almost. He moved us in a new house told all his friends what a great life he had and then bam 6 weeks after our 13th wedding anniversary left a note on my pillow telling me he wanted out. Then told me I should have been thankful for the letter because he doesn’t write them. WTF! I gave him everything, and I mean everything. I’m now the abuser and only after the money. I’ve been lied to, cheated on repeatedly, manipulated, used and abused emotionally. I’ve made excuses for him, covered up his mistakes, and lied to myself and everyone else about how great he was. I was so foolish to believe he would ever do the right thing or take responsibility for anything he did. I raised our kids, took care of every detail of our married life so he could run his business and not have something else to worry about. Wow, reading this was helpful. I’ve been struggling with trying to understand any of this. We still have two under 14 at home and I have to deal with him because of them. I wish there was a no contact possibility. Watching him come to pick them up in his new clothes and jewelry and acting like I never happened is like a knife to the gut. I stopped reaching out to him Christmas when I was told I gave up too easy and that he’s moved on and is confident in his decision to leave. My hair has fallen out, I’ve lost 42 pounds and my health was an issue but getting it to good now. I doubt myself and decisions every day, I’m on anti depressants and still back and forth to the doctor every month for more lab work. He’s the victim. Ha!!!

  16. Robyn says:

    God, the things these people do and get away with is so frustrating. And yet, after 4 years off and on with mine, (and him recently ensuring that I know he is apparently doing great with his new job, (7 years unemployed and 4 of those with me), and new girlfriend who is a Psychiatrist no less!! Here I am again today, willing myself to get something done but still sitting here on my computer reading about the crap that people like my ex do to lots of other gentle, loving women.
    Grrrrrrr

    • Robyn, LOL…grrrrr is right, but it will pass….it’s our brains trying to wrap around the unthinkable…when in reality all we can really do is just learn to accept that individuals like this exist (in droves unfortunately), and work on ourselves in the process…wishing you peace…

  17. I got out of a relationship with a Narc on Christmas eve. Throughout our relationship, I knew he was abusing me emotionally and mentally and even though we were only together 4 months, about 1.5 months into the relationship I had screenshots saved of things like “calling someone crazy is abusive” or “telling someone their too sensitive is abusive” and in my research from those early months the word “narcissist” came up a few times, but I kept dismissing it. UNTIL we broke up. Then I started reading about dating a narcissist and he fits almost EVERY category.

    From the beginning there was a TON of what I now know is “love-bombing.” I was a woman who did not have any boundaries, and as you mentioned, you’re toast to a narc. ON the first date, he pressured me into being intimate and even though I said no a few times and said we shouldn’t, I let it happen anyways. From there, about 2 weeks later, he told me he was in love with me… then 3 days after that slept with another woman. She told me 2 days after it happened, and I ended things with him… but then he came back begging for forgiveness, telling me how much he loved me (it had been less than a month since we MET!) and literally crying and balling his eyes out in front of me. Eventually I took him back with conditions. But when my hurt from him cheating on me and the jealousy would get too much for him, he would turn around and blame ME for what happened! He would always take things I told him and throw them in my face. He once said that it was my fault that the guys I dated treated me like shit. Of course, there were always apologies and crying and tears later on, and he would always ask “Do you love me?” and I would say yes, and he would say then I had to forgive him, or else that isn’t love, and if I didn’t love him we couldn’t be together.

    By 3 months, I had given up so much for this jerk. I had stopped talking to certain people. He was telling me what I was allowed to wear, and what I was allowed to post on social media. If I posted something he didn’t like, he would threaten me and say “delete that or we’re OVER.” He constantly made jabs about my past, then called me too sensitive when I couldn’t take a joke. He hated the fact that I was good friends with my daughter’s father. He brought up things I would tell him in confidence and use them against me, so eventually I stopped confiding in him. He told me I had to be a stay at home Mom (I’m in law school) and that I wasn’t christian enough for him. And when we’d fight he’d call me a bitch and tell me how unreasonable I was being when I would demand empathy. He told me that him criticizing me was just “him expressing his opinion” and he would be damned if he would be in a relationship where he couldn’t express his opinion.

    But from early on he love bombed me and told me everything I wanted to hear – that he loved my daughter and that he wanted to marry me. He told me he didn’t believe in soul mates before me and that he never wanted to live without me. I realize now that healthy people don’t do that and I was also being unhealthy because I thought that the jealousy and the control and the falling in love so quickly just meant that he loved me so much and that I was the one.

    Well, I lied to him and once he found that out around Thanksgiving it was all downhill from there. He constantly reminded me that what I did (lying) was messed up and that I was basically unforgivable. I would point out all the ways he manipulated me and he would either invalidate them by taking back his responsibility in the situation, or he would flat out say that it didn’t happen. He constantly held it against me, and used it to push me away. Typical narc fashion, he could do no wrong, but as soon as I wronged him, it was over. The disvalue phase had already been going on for 3 months, and now that was time for the discard phase. After that, he began going hot and cold until Christmas eve. So in a months time (between thanksgiving and Christmas eve) he told me I could move in to his house with him, and then took it back…. TWICE. He looked at engagement rings and said he was planning to propose, then took that back. He told me my daughter & I could come to meet his family in Seattle, then the week before Xmas, he canceled that too. I was so confused on how he could do one thing, and then turn around and do another. Well, after logging into his social media accounts, I realized he had been talking to and flirting with another girl… get this… FROM CHURCH!!! What a great christian man he espoused to be. The whole week before Christmas I barely heard from him and apparently he had been going to a bunch of “church events” which I suddenly wasn’t invited to… suspicious looking back. She was either there, or it was a date. During his road trip he barely spoke to me and spent all his time talking to her. Finally, on Xmas eve morning, he added her on instagram and then deleted ALL our recent (post-thanksgiving) pictures… which tells me he probably told the new girl that we had been broken up for a few weeks. I called him on this and he admitted to flirting with her (which later during a fight he took back, and then told me i was badgering him into admitting it… such bullshit).

    Well we break up and he spends the next week he is in seattle subsequently telling me he misses me and loves me and that he’s over me. He drives back on New Years Eve and you know who his date is? New girl. Apparently ever since then they’ve been inseparable. He started posting pics of her on instagram LITERALLY 13 days POST-BREAKUP. And she changed her relationship status on Facebook LITERALLY 15 days POST BREAKUP. Who gets into a new relationship 15 days after a breakup with a woman who you 1. said you were going to propose to, so much so that you looked at rings, and 2. told her daughter to call you “daddy-Brett” (I swear to God!) and 3. Showed her daughter a picture of the “sparkly ring” and 4. asked her daughter if she wants a brother or a sister? Like… how can someone move on that fast? Now he’s changed all his profile pics to pics of him and her and it’s been literally less than a month since I last slept with him. it’s insanity.

    Your blog has been a huge help knowing that I’m SO better off without this piece of crap. He is unhealthy, abusive, and it’s sad to see him love-bombing someone else into the same game. She is SUPER CHRISTIAN (which he always claimed to be as well), and now he is posting christian quotes and stuff online (which he NEVER DID before) and I have a feeling she may be “the one” for him, since his fights with me were always about the fact i “didn’t see life through a christian lens.” I know for myself that a healthy man would not move on that fast. I mean, he didn’t move on that fast post-breakup, he really moved on that fast PRE-BREAKUP. So he cheated on me, made sure he had another supply coming in, and then dropped me like I was NOTHING.

    • I’m so sorry for your experience, but as I read this, I thought to myself “She’s going to be OKAY”. You really are. You have a good grasp of who this man is and that he’s not going to change. They like their woman very submissive, naive and vulnerable. The one that ‘wins’ with this guy, Is really in for a lot of PAIN. Christian women are particularly vulnerable to psychopaths and as well, psychopaths use Christianity to lure more victims. It may be that this new victim is submissive enough to buy into all of his bullshit not question his behavior believe all that he says. The stuff he puts online is a CROCK. He hasn’t changed at all, with the exception of a new mask he’s wearing for someone else, according to HER needs, etc.

      HOw can he move on so fast? The same way he moved IN so fast with you. People are just utilities to them. Sex means nothing except as a means to an end. That’s all. A total utility.

      I’m so glad you escaped this man and were aware enough that something was very wrong. THe only thing I could suggest that you ask yourself is what made you vulnerable to letting him into your life. Loneliness, single for a long time, bored and needing the company? I mean so many vulnerabilities they play on. Once you answer that question, you’ll be much better at spotting them before they invade. Love bombing is the manipulation phase of the relationship, when in reality it’s exploitation that bears the mark of a psychopath. Manipulation has a kind of unintentional sort of meaning to it, while exploitation removes all doubt. It’s interesting how these relationships suddenly change the meaning of words, making them so much more profound…

      Wishing you tons of peace and lots of good luck in law school!

    • chaitov says:

      It is so sad they are all the same! I can relate to this last poster. My ex psycho picked out an engagement ring with my daughter whom he helped raise,to turn around and abandon us both to take up with an 18 year old and married her 13 days post or pre breakup. I was still wearing tgus ring when I saw all their pics on Facebook. It gutted me. But, this is what psychpaths do. It really is the worst when our poor innocent children are involved. Hell he married a child and I can’t even warn her of the monster she married. Its so sickening!

    • chaitov says:

      It is so sad they are all the same! I can relate to this last poster. My ex psycho picked out an engagement ring with my daughter whom he helped raise,to turn around and abandon us both to take up with an 18 year old and married her 13 days post or pre breakup. I was still wearing this ring when I saw all their pics on Facebook. It gutted me. But, this is what psychpaths do. It really is the worst when our poor innocent children are involved. Hell he married a child and I can’t even warn her of the monster she married. Its so sickening!

  18. Kremy says:

    I read the whole thing and I thought: ,,Jesus,that was my relationship!” I’d like to share my story,because I think there are some of you who are in my shoes right now…

    So I met him online on a website,where I was looking for sex.(huge red flag,they are literally hunting women online!) I didn’t want to have a relationship,I just wanted fun after years of single life after my last bf. We met,it was great,but it wasn’t love at first sight,I would have never text him again,but hey,he texted me. He said it was wonderful with me and he just wants to meet me again and he can’t wait.
    I said no for 2 months. But he was charming and intelligent and really good looking,so I eventually said yes. And it has begun. Our first dates were wonderful,we talked for hours,laughed,texted all day,I loved it. And I fell in love in 2 weeks. Deeply in love. He asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship exclusively with him. Everything went really fast and I knew it. That was our first argument,he said: ,,Why are you so cold,I love you,please don’t be so distant!” I said sorry. And I believed him and gave him everything.
    After 2 months of dating we visited my parents in another country. I introduced him, he slept in the bedroom in our old house,I told him stories I never told anybody. I trusted him with everything. It was great with him,he helped me with a lot of things, he seemed like a gentleman,etc.
    I see the signs I didn’t see back then: he was always late, but had no remorse because of it. He never said sorry for anything or if he did, it was false and I knew after a while, how does it seem, if he lies. He hated his job, he thought everybody is an idiot except for him. He had problems with money, he spent too much, but didn’t pay taxes and he said it is not his fault…

    After 6 months I’ve had a hunch, that he is cheating, so I started to look for things. Well I found him on 2 websites. He lied. And he said: ,,Well what are you doing on these sites,maybe you are the one who is cheating,blabla.” Then I found messages on his phone to another woman. He lied again and he threw me out in the middle of the night,because he said he can’t trust me anymore and he won’t leave me alone in his apartment. I cried and begged him to let me in. I was feeling guilty for nothing.
    That was the time where things went from wrong to horrible. I was depressed and I wanted to get out but I couldn’t. Once I found underwear from another women in his laundry. He shouted at me. Why am I searching through his stuff, am I crazy, they are just from his ex, what is MY problem?!
    I felt crazy,yes. I broke up with him.
    The next day he wrote me a love letter and he almost cried. Of course I believed him, but this crazy shit went on and on.
    The last time I saw him I found a razor and tampons in his bathroom and they weren’t mine. I asked him about it. He threw them away and started to lie. I sat there crying my eyes out and he did nothing. He looked at me with big eyes and lied. And we had sex. How crazy is that??? He could always manipulate me with sex,it was one of his best weapons.
    After that he went to take a shower (just like that..) and I opened his drawers. There was a photo of him and a woman and a postcard from September. (from the week where he supposed to work in another city. Well he didn’t) And other things they weren’t mine.
    My whole world was crashing down. He came out of the bathroom and guess what. He shouted at me,closed the drawer and threw me out again. At 9AM he said he loves me and plans his future with me,at 9.30AM he was furious, threw me out and never spoke to me again. Does a normal person do something like this? NO.

    But this time I didn’t go back. I cried all way back home. I wrote him an email after a week to say goodbye,tell him he was hurting me and fuck him and that was all.
    I was at home for 2 weeks,because I couldn’t work. I couldn’t eat. I was laying in bed and just cried. I felt like dying. I was drinking and vomiting all day long. I won’t lie,it was hell,but it was my hell and i had to do it on my own.
    It’s been 5 weeks and I’m going to therapy next week to understand the situation, getting my anger treated right and getting help to move on. And I have to take an STD test,because I don’t know,with how many woman he slept with. It’s terrible, that I’m the one getting through this, but it has to be done and I’ll be stronger than ever.

    And about the no contact thing. Yes,it is the only solution. I never texted him since then and I never will. Of course I want to,but how would it help me?? If you want to contact a psychopath, play the scenario first in your head. Think about the situations where he manipulated you and humiliated you. I want answers too, but I have to deal with it, that I’ll never get them, because he only lies.
    I have bad days when I miss him. I think about the beautiful days we spent together. I cherish them after all, because I was truly happy on those days. Then I think about the things he has done to me and I know,that I have to let go and let the memories be memories.
    We were together a year. I can’t imagine spending long years with a psychopath. I don’t want that life,that pain,that suffering. A relationship never should make you feel depressed or crazy. And love is never forced and manipulated. Move on, get help, get over it and find a person, who is the right choice. Maybe the sex will be never that mindblowing and you won’t get an engagement ring in a year,but it’ll be worth it, trust me. I hope I’ll get there one day.

  19. Cindy says:

    I first want to say Thank you as reading this article and the stories every day has helped me go NC for 5 weeks so far. Yay!!! I also want to let all these women know that no matter what these narcs say I think I knew from the beginning that my narcs exes were not bad people. That it was his opinion. He called his ex wife a $&@: bag a d said she ruined his credit, . Katie Holmes seems like a lovely, Christian woman. I think most women in their hearts and heads know that when a man tells us his ex was crazy or boring or ruined his credit or just wanted him for sex our sane minds begin to question them. I want to share my story as it has a positive ending and might be helpful.
    My marriage was in a bad place when I changed jobs. I was hoping to make things better by working closer to home. My husband had told me he didn’t love me anymore so we were like roommates. I met the Narc at new job. He was younger but divorced with children so I thought more mature. We connected right away because we both had children and found we had a lot in common. The love bombing ensued and I was hooked. We had a few amazing dates. Still nice memories but that’s really it. He promised we’d care for our kids together, we’d cook for eachother each night, run baths for eachother etc. we talked about the house we dreamed of. He was so easy to talk to and he listened…something my husband and I no longer did. I moved out with my children and got an apartment. We started mediation and filed for separation. Then I went out with a friend one night to tell her about him and how excited I was and it started. Text after text. He said he was at the restaurant we were at and he didn’t see me. I asked if he was there he should have said hi as I would have loved that. He accused me of lying and cheating. After that there was the pushing and pulling. Every day that was great was followed by accusations of me lying, cheating, not loving him enough and not getting separated fast enough. I took 3 days off from work to complete the separation by a deadline he gave me – June. I left in March. I was so upset. Here I was, a Christian girl who thought I just screwed up with my first spouse and I was about to get it right and something had gone so wrong. My husband had put the house up for sale so the mediation agreement had to be rewritten. I didn’t meet the deadline. That night I was texted with messages calling me every name in the book. The C word, the P word etc. it was my fault we were over. I cried all night but I knew I shouldn’t stay with someone who swore at me. I was prepared to break it off but then my Mom called. She told me I was a hussy and I was disgracing myself and my children. I was now that 12 year old little girl again who felt like nothing. I took him back knowing that I was a bad child and therefore I must have treated him badly too. See how that works? I grew up with Christian guilt. I was bad unless I made others happy. The next day he told me sorry and that he was in tears. We were off again and on again. He needed breaks then he loved me. I was beautiful, kind, sweet. I apologized. I was awful. He told me I treated him like a side toy. I was faithful to him. 100%. I was a virgin until I got married. I was not a cheater. The mask continued to come off he told me he could get anyone and I was lucky to have him. I met his children and they were so sweet. I told him how much it meant. When I asked him to meet mine he said I didn’t discipline them well enough. He had other women on FB he told me he would screw if I didn’t It hurt. My daughter was 3 and I felt so guilty about raising them without a man in their lives. I believed I was a bad mother. he told me my ex didnt want my sh&@ either. We broke up again and I bought a house. He was going to help me move and paint but we all know how that went. I did it myself. I was starting to find my strength again and he got hurt. I felt bad and took him back. Then A woman at work showed me that he texted her to ask her if she was single a few days after i was with him. i asked him why and again the rage. It was my fault. $&@”ing women are all the same and we can’t keep our mouths shut. I apologized again. A few days later that woman was hospitalized with a nervous breakdown and had to quit. He told me again he was sorry. He said he was broken and pushed people away. He had no friends. He wanted to accept my love but he couldnt. It broke ny heart. Then he told me to copy him in an email telling my ex-husband i would never see him again. That would prove to the narc that i loved him. I did it but – it wasnt enough. I never loved him enough. But I did. The best I could. We went out a few more times and he asked if he could live with me. I said no. Said i loved him so much but i felt like i treated him so badly. We went out once more and had a nice time but I knew something was up. He told me while we were in bed he was working on getting a girl at work who blew him off. A month later they were living together and she posted on Facebook they had been together while we were still. That same week a girl at work took me out to tell me he was cheating with her the entire time we were together. Broken, afraid, alone…I turned back to him. Began fulfilling all his sick desires over the phone just to hear him say something positive again. He did here and there. Maybe when she and he fought but he never left her. He’d send me pics of himself with little on except a necklace I’m sure she gave him. There he was in her home sending me pics of him doing things that I knew weren’t right and I was ok with it. I was sick. I knew it but I was working ft, raising children, too busy for therapy. Then a social worker friend told me he was borderline. I began reading and everything said to be nice to them, tell them positive things. So I did. It equaled me giving more sexually. I made time for therapy and was told he is a narcissist. I didn’t want to believe it. Then I started reading. Everything I could. He was textbook. I still couldn’t stop. I prayed and read. I went back to church. I connected with my husband again. I apologized and told him everything. He forgave me. He apologized as well. We agreed to go back to church and to work on, if nothing else, friendship. A few days later, I ran into the ex with her.. Me with my beautiful girls. He asked me to never speak to him again that night. Told me he didn’t care who I was with. I had one lapse as did he but it has been some time. I feel like God was there that day. Had that not happened I’d still be hooked. My advice is read this every day. Love the people in your life who love and care for you. Focus on them and yourself. Pray. And go NC. Your life is better than theirs. It is. You raise children, you work, you are beautiful, you have morals and integrity, you are not a cheater or a slut. You just loved the wrong person. Someone who knew from the beginning that although they wanted to in a sick way – they NEVER deserved you

    • Kremy says:

      At first I have to say that I’m not religious,I don’t believe in God. BUT I totally understand what you are saying. I’ve had the feeling that life itself gave me a couple of situations,where I realized that this is really wrong and I have to get out.
      And yes, we are better!! We are capable of love, shame, regret, we don’t change our emotions like the weather change itself. We have respect for others. And we are not pathological liars.

      And I have to use a quote: ,, We accept the love we think we deserve,” That’s why they are hunting for women with problems and with low self-esteem,they can manipulate us.
      But I can promise you, that if you are strong and get help, you’ll get through this.
      For me it’s been 7 weeks and I’m not saying, that I’m fine, I have bad days and no self-esteem, but I know,that I am better. I feel myself prettier again and people smile at me on the street or compliment me. And they did it before, but I never saw it, because all I saw was him. All that mattered was his opinion. My colleague told me yesterday that he likes me since I work there (5 months..) and I didn’t notice until last week.
      And it never has to be this way. A relationship should never ever drag you down. It shouldn’t be totally crazy. Tell yourself that if you wanna contact him.

      • Cindy says:

        Thank you so much!! 7 weeks – Congratulations. I have those too. Those weak moments. I tell myself that’s what makes me human. I remember terrible things he said or have to see the girl he cheated on me with at work and my self esteem drops a bit. They are fleeting now though where they use to last days sometimes. I had my first dream the other night that he wasnt. Every day gets better. I hope for you as well!

  20. Gail says:

    Thanks so much for this article and all the stories from survivors. I really can relate, as I’m still living with a psychopath and have been for almost 20yrs. I left my husband of 22 yrs for him unfortunately and lost everything. I feel so ashamed and can’t believe what I did to my poor husband and 2 children. When I realised that he was not normal and tried to tell my family…they weren’t interested or just didn’t believe me. My kids and my ex have emigrated and I’m stuck with this man with no family for support. I am 61 now and can’t find a job and am completly dependent on him and live a lonely miserable life, as he is never home. He lives his own life and I’m just his maid and convenience. I’m so desperate! I want to leave, but have nowhere to go.
    Lots of luck to the lucky survivors that managed to escape.
    Gail

  21. Jacqueline says:

    So here’s my ‘venting’ story – it’s a bit long, but very entertaining and worth reading.

    I was in an ‘amazing’ relationship with a sociopath – just ended about 2 weeks ago after a ‘beautiful’ 5 months. My story is a bit different, but nonetheless, I found out he was a sociopath when he got caught red-handed by his ‘ex’ GF who actually wasn’t his ‘ex’ (‘crazy ex’ I might add – seems like they all say that about their ‘exes’). This guy was good – REALLY, REALLY good. A master manipulator. He had played this game before with several women. Lured me in with expensive gifts, flowers, dinners, he even took me on a beautiful, MAGICAL once-in-a-lifetime weekend getaway topped off with an all-out shopping spree! He spent so much money on me. I would mention something that I wanted very nonchalantly – the next day he would buy it and bring it to my house as a surprise. He was always fixing and ‘helping’ with things I needed. He must have spent thousands of dollars on me – literally.

    He made me beautiful meals as well. He impressed me with his cooking skills. We were ALWAYS together – if two days went by without us seeing each other it just didn’t feel right. (I still don’t understand how he was able to pull off the double life) He even introduced me to his 2 girls and his family, and he my kids as well. He met my friends and I met some of his. We were ALWAYS playing cards and games, watching movies, working out together (training for upcoming marathons), seeing shows, going to nice dinners and having nothing but fun. We even rang in the new year together at a fancy party and shared a loving kiss at midnight.
    He lured me in with his good looks, sense of style, quick wit and intelligence. When we were out and about, people would literally come up to us to tell us what a beautiful couple we were. They even offered to take pictures of us when they saw us trying to take ‘selfies’. Love was in the air and everyone could see it – it was as if we were floating around in this beautiful ‘love bubble’ and everyone around us could feel it. It was truly a beautiful feeling and beautiful time. I would tell him that he was my ‘precious gift’ from the universe. It was truly a fairly tale.

    We talked about everything under the sun. We had developed quite a strong friendship during our relationship (Or so I thought). I had NEVER had a relationship like this before before – no one had ever treated me like this – like a queen. All this after he ASSURED me he was done with his ‘crazy ex’ – who was the woman he was seeing ‘before’ me. (I say ‘before’ sarcastically because later come to find out he was cheating on me the entire time with her). His story was that she supposedly wasn’t ‘over’ him and even threatened to kill herself after she got pregnant and had an abortion because at the time they were ‘broken up’. He said she would call him from time to time because she just couldn’t take the pain. He said she just couldn’t get over him & she was becoming a pest. I didn’t really like how that sounded – sounded like a soap opera to me & I didn’t want to be involved in any part of that, nevertheless, I trusted him and figured he was so into me – and that she was just a ‘crazy ex-GF’ just like he said. I brushed it off because, as I said, he treated me like a QUEEN. I had NO reason to believe he was lying based on his actions. He was NEVER late for anything, never stood me up. He just did everything PERFECTLY right! He made me believe that she was the crazy one, (common tactic of sociopaths and narcissists) while in reality, he was the one who was crazy!

    Not one day would go by without him texting me and emailing me telling me how much he’s missing me and can’t wait to see me again and how I’m so wonderful and he’s so lucky to have me and how he’s looking forward to our future together. He showered me with love and affection. I used to call him ‘The BBE’ – which stood for “the best boyfriend ever”. He would even send me these ‘relationship exercises’ via email – trying to make me think he was serious about our relationship. I constantly told him how sweet & thoughtful he was & how lucky I was to have him – he would say “No, I’m the lucky one my dear. I never would have thought in a million years that I would be given such a beautiful woman to love.”

    He was always making these fabulous plans for us – we had our entire year planned out. We even had a ‘bucket list’ and a travel fund. He kept putting $$ into the travel fund, so I really, really thought he was serious about us and our future. He would even drive 1/2 during lunch time to meet me for my lunch break (did this several times). I gave him my complete trust and heart and soul. He never, ever treated me badly or abusive. (I didn’t get far enough in the relationship to see his bad side). He was nothing but nice to me and treated me like a queen. He had me on the highest pedastol known to man. I was literally in heaven. I genuinely thought he was ABSOLUTELY CRAZY about me! I thought – wow, this is REAL love, beautiful love, between two grown adults. This is how it’s supposed to be! I’m FINALLY experiencing it! I thought WOW – this is the real deal! Although I had no intentions of getting married (I’m divorced), I did see potential in a long-term relationship and he would always say jokingly “you’re stuck with me”.

    I am a strong, confident, intelligent, very attractive woman – so I was never ‘needy’ and I always showed him my confidence and intelligence. He told me I was “too beautiful” or “Too sexy” on a daily basis – literally. And since I know I’m attractive – I totally bought into this and this boosted my ego! I would catch him staring at me in awe and he always said ‘You’re so beautiful’. (BEWARE OF THIS ADORATION/STARING TACTIC!)
    When we were ‘making love’ he would stop in between the strokes to hold my face in the most loving, caring manner, look DEEP into my eyes (BEWARE OF THIS!) and tell me he loved me – over and over again. I actually thought I was ‘making love’ for the first time in my life and bonding with someone on a whole different level. I was on Cloud 9.

    Fast forward to 2 weeks ago – We’re at his apartment watching a movie after playing an entertaining game of Pictionary with his daughter. His home phone rings – he bolts up to pick it up and goes into his bedroom (didn’t close the door). What I heard was a lot of one word answers on his part and I knew something was not right – I got ‘that feeling’ in the pit of my stomach that something was going on. I did notice that he was speaking to the person over the phone in a very discounting and demeaning manner. He finally came back out to the couch to continue the movie. I asked if everything is OK – he just brushed it off and said he’d deal with it tomorrow. I asked who was on the phone and just said ‘just garbage – nevermind. It’s not important. I’ll deal with that tomorrow’. I still felt something was about to go down.

    Five minutes later – the ‘garbage/crazy ex’ POUNDED on the door. He jumped up and went out to her in the hallway outside. That’s when my heart fell in the pit of my stomach. My heart was beating so rapidly I thought I was going to faint. I knew that everything – our beautiful love story – the love story that I thought I was in with a ‘normal’ person, was instantly about to be over. I heard her screaming and yelling at him, hitting him, slapping him, all the while he was just very stoic and demeaning, quiet, etc. She kept saying why didn’t I come out to meet her – why was he hiding me? Mind you, she was hysterical at this point, so I was scared. I wanted to go out and see what was going on, but in the state she was in I really thought she might attack me, so I decided to stay in and look through the peephole and listen to the craziness. In her madness, she proceeded to call him out – “Does she know that you’ve been f*cking both of us at the same time? Does she know we just f*cked this past Thursday? Does she know about all the texts and emails you’ve been sending me? You took us to all the same places!” His response was “Yeah, she knows know. So the damage is done. Are you happy now? You just f*cked everything up for me. Can you just leave now?” She proceeded: “You’re a liar & a cheater. You are disgusting. You will never love anyone but yourself. You will never be happy. You will be miserable for the rest of your life. You are not a man – you are a child! You are a piece of sh*t. I hope you’re happy with her.” She finally left after about 15 minutes of craziness.
    Weird thing is – he proceeded to go right back to the couch to finish watching the movie as if nothing happened! I grabbed his arm and led him to the bedroom while we talked. He admitted SOME of the story – but his version is very different from the ‘crazy ex’s’ who I was able to contact the next day.
    He said they’d been friends for a long time before they become lovers (confirmed and true). He said she just could not get over him and kept coming over so he could console her – and that’s when ‘one thing led to another’ and they would just end up f*cking. This happened several times during the time we were together. He said he felt guilty every time and told her they needed to stop doing this. (I didn’t believe that for a minute).

    Next day I was able to find her email address and I sent her a long email explaining my side. She told me they were friends for about 10 years and then they became lovers about a year ago. They had a big fight and had ‘broken up’ but quickly reconciled about five months prior. Comparing notes, when they ‘broke up’ was when he met me and started a ‘relationship’ with me. When I met him, he did mention that he had recently broken up with someone because it just didn’t work out. “How long ago?” I asked. “About a month ago”. BIG. RED. FLAG! I remember him telling me “Hey, when it’s over, it’s over.” I thought that was weird but kept going forward & thought nothing of it. I also knew he had been divorced TWICE (thought nothing of it) – but later I found out that he got married to his second wife MONTHS after getting divorced from the first one. I found that odd as well – but he was so wonderful, of course I just thought, well I’m sure that’s happened to other people before.

    He was seeing & sleeping with us the entire time – even taking her to family functions while I was sitting at home like a fool not suspecting ANYTHING! We found out that sometimes he would even see us both in the SAME DAY! One right after the other! She told me he told her loved her on a daily basis and how beautiful she was and how no one could compare to her. They talked/texted & emailed every day. (VERY, VERY different picture from the one he had painted of her being the ‘crazy ex’) At one point she had seen a picture that I posted on FB on New Year’s Day ‘My first meal of the new year’ which was a homemade waffle breakfast he made me at his place. Because I’m a very private person, I never mentioned his name or posted any pictures of us together. She saw the picture and recognized the plates, the table, and the place mats. She brought it to his attention and he said that he had been seeing me but that he was going to stop seeing me because he was not happy! Lies, lies and more lies.
    All he did was lie during our entire relationship. Now that I realize he’s a sociopath, I know he never really loved me either – he was just mirroring my feelings and actions. He has no feelings. He is a sick, twisted man.

    Going back to that dreaded night two weeks ago when everything came crashing down – I was very calm as we talked. It was over. He got caught. I told him how my heart is crushed and how could he do this to me. All he could say was he was sorry – that’s about it. He just kept looking on the ground and didn’t show much remorse. As I asked him how he was able to do this to me, he said “I’m not like most people. I’m able to compartmentalize my life into different parts”. I was like HUH? To me, that sounded crazy – and later found out yes it is, because he’s CRAZY! As I grabbed my bag to leave, he just had this stupid, childish look on his face like a little boy who got caught with his hand in the candy jar. I left, devastated, humiliated, embarrassed, hurt, very confused, etc.

    Every day that goes by is easier – I did some extensive research on situations like this (don’t we all) with sociopaths and triangulation techniques. I came across this site and wanted to share my experience, hoping it will help others. It was beautiful while it lasted – but it’s still hard to have to admit to myself that it was all just a beautiful fantasy I was having with myself. I do believe there were moments where he might have actually felt what his warped version of ‘love’ is, but he had no idea what it was or what to do with it because his feelings are not like ‘normal’ people’s feelings. I mean, I thought I actually felt his feelings – looking back, those were my feelings that he was just mirroring back to me. Sad.

    The lesson I learned from this is in the future, I will not trust anyone too quickly. Adoration and ‘love bombing’ are pure tactics to make them addicted to you. Whenever someone says they have a ‘crazy ex’ – that’s a HUGE RED FLAG! I will trust my gut instinct. I vow to never be sucked into a fantasy relationship with a sociopath again!

    She told me that she was ‘done’ with him. This was not the first time he had cheated on her. She said he had caused her extreme misery, pain and suffering and she was not going to allow him to play with her emotions any longer. I hope this is true – however, I have a strong feeling they have reconciled and are back together right now, and I actually feel bad for her.

    Although he got caught and everything was instantly over, he discarded me like ‘garbage’. Once he got caught, he acted like he didn’t know me – like those five months meant nothing (because to him, they didn’t). Didn’t try calling, texting, emailing, apologizing, etc. That was all done …. on to his next ‘victim’. After about a week, he reached out to me via email professing his love for me – said he let his stupid mistakes get in the way of the beautiful love story we had. I don’t believe one word of it. I have not responded and never will. I never want to see him or speak to him again after the extreme hurt and pain he put me through then discarded me like I don’t exist. I’m grateful that it was only 5 months of my life and not longer.

    This experience has affected me for the rest of my life. I know eventually I will get over it. With each day it gets better. I now know the signs to look out for in the future.

    • Jacqueline,

      Like WOW! Your comment is a perfect description of how the psychopath targets his victims. I’m very grateful that you shared your story. I’m sorry for the outcome you experienced with this man, but from what I’m reading here, your willingness to see everything as it was, including the behavior out of the ex, with the courage to communicate with her to get the truth and to understand the ‘crazy’ you saw (her REACTIONS are VERY common out of victims,as the psychopath intentionally creates those reactions via HIS behavior and lies) and your willingness NOT to allow him to further BS you. You are indeed very fortunate to have been with him such a short time and had the strength to free yourself from his web.

      I hope more survivors will read your comment and find their own inspiration to see the truth, trust themselves and remove the psychopath from their lives. What you experienced with love bombing and his over attentiveness and flattery, is what victims tend to get stuck on because the ‘high’ from the initial love bombing is incredibly strong. Healthy men do not do what this man did to you. You did a beautiful job in describing not only the holes in his story, but also in recognizing how his behavior was merely a reflection in mirroring YOUR fantasy. This tends to keep victims plugged in, not realizing that the psychopath doesn’t have to do a whole lot of work when the victim is filling in the gaps of the fantasy he initiates. Very thought provoking post and thank you again for sharing your story.

  22. Matrix Chick says:

    Hands down the most thorough article out there. I’m just writing on here to say for some weird reason I always attract socios & psychos but have never fallen for them & their mind games. The facade they put on that they are the “catch” of the year seems so shallow to me from the get go. I’m grateful to the universe I dodged all the bullets “matrix style”. I also wanna suggest the brilliant book, Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker [spell check please on the last name :D I’m lousy with names].

    To all the survivors & victims out there, you have my respect & love & thank you for sharing your stories. Silence to me really doesn’t help anyone, so thank you for using your voice. You just helped me sharpen my “matrix skills” more & I’m grateful.

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