The Simple Blessing of Sleep After The Psychopath Is Gone

     I’m about ready to tun in for the night and wanted to just remind you of the simple things in life that we have forgotten while with the psychopath/narcissist.

How many of you were subjected to a ton of sex…against your will? Coerced or manipulated to do it so he’d shut the hell up already and let you SLEEP?

How many of you laid awake at night because you just finished a major argument with the psychopath/narcissist? And just as you’re about to fall asleep from exhaustion, he awakens you to fight some more? Do you ever wonder where these disordered get their energy?

Sex with psychopaths is overrated. As is sex in general. Sleep is largely underrated but completely essential when we are out of the relationship.

Some of us may not have slept for months of years regularly due to the stress of living day to day with him. I remember feeling constantly anxious, walking on eggshells, wondering what the next day of abuse would bring and what kind…

Just as your minds and hearts need to recover, so do your bodies. It is SO NICE to get into bed with my wiener dog (who incidentally takes up half the bed), and just cozy in and SLEEP. Deep REM sleep is restorative. Our bodies heal while we sleep.

With a psychopath, sleep is a novelty. His keeping us awake, creates the exhaustion he wants as well as low resistance to fighting him no mater what he wants.

Just one of the simple pleasures in life to enjoy. When you can’t sleep, try to remember how anxious, angry or sad you felt with this monster in  your bed. And how quiet and peaceful it is now that he is not. It’s the best time to clear your thoughts, meditate and do your breathing exercises.

Being single and alone in your bed at night, is better than a psychopath plotting his next ‘revenge” against you while lying in the same space with you.

Learn to feel the freedom of peace.

Sleep well!

Onward and upward.

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13 Responses to The Simple Blessing of Sleep After The Psychopath Is Gone

  1. lifebegins45 says:

    Though I didn’t live with my X, I did spend a lot of time at his house. Whether or not I slept at his house or my own, sleep was a commodity. When there, it was always restless sleep, usually after an exhausting battle or accusations, or whatever… I, too, wondered what was next. What ammo he would pull out against me, or just the uneasiness of the “ignore” game. Even when I was home, I knew he was stalking my home in the middle of the night. I layed awake many nights, being afraid to fall asleep. Now, I’m in my new home with a bed that is big enough for 2 to fit, but only enough room for 1. It’s wonderful falling into bed, onto my pillow and taking up the entire thing! So warm and cozy :D Sleep good!

  2. ann says:

    I always felt i had to be dressed in a sexy nightie, smelling good , and with sexy lingerie to match. He always “expected” it, and i was continually trying to gain his approval at the cost of ignoring my young daughter who had just gone through the trauma of watching my husband abandon us. Often i would see the hurt in her eyes when i chose him over her but felt helpless.
    Now we do stuff together and i love it when I can wear whatever i choose to sleep in at night and the growing sense of peace and contentment not having to cater to anyone. Never again will i allow someone to use me for sex or devalue me sexually.

  3. My mother likely has NPD and the one I call TheEx was definitely BPD, so my life has been ruled by psychopaths. Though my mother wasn’t sexually abusive, TheEx was, and regardless of the type of abuse, I rarely could sleep. Not surprisingly, I’ve had sleeping issues since puberty, I’ve developed tolerances to all the drugs out there that can help. Recently I got an iPhone and I’ve started using a sleep hypnosis app (I prefer one by Glenn Harrold, but there’s a good one by “Hypnotransformations” too that is free.) It’s the only thing that has ever worked so well for me and for so long. I just wanted to add that here in case anyone wants to give it a try :)

  4. EB says:

    At the moment, my workplace situation keeps me awake nearly every night. I think my particular problem is one extremely evil woman with whom I now have to work closely (again). Unfortunately, she is somewhat above me in hierarchy. For years I wondered why she kept sabotaging me, discouraging me and stealing my ideas (in such a way that nobody else noticed, of course). Btw, she is also the one who most actively supports the illegal/unethical project our bosses want us to do.

    I wondered: Why can’t we find some common ground? I am not selfish. Why doesn’t she see that I could actually HELP her succeed?

    Well, it is because her goal is DESTRUCTION. Unlike I, she doesn’t want us BOTH to succeed. She wants me to FAIL no matter what, even if that means she has to fail as well. Her brain isn’t wired like mine. It’s still so incredibly hard to wrap my head around this. I can’t believe people are like that, even if I grew up with a psychopathic mother who was the same!

    I think I’m currently deep in the process of grieving, going back and forth between denial, anger, bargaining and depression.

    Unfortunately, my job has been the center of my life for so many years. I thought I had no identity outside my job, and no value. Of course, this is not true, but I’m only starting to realize this now. My toxic parents’ obsession with status and academic achievements has certainly contributed to this. It is as if they were still controlling me, 5 years into NC.

    And now I might have to give up this job. Unfortunately, I have a 6 months notice period until the end of the quarter (and by experience I can say that they DO enforce it), which means by the end of March I’d have to decide whether I want out by the end of September or not! Plus, quitting without having lined up a new job is highly unusual in my country.

    I’m currently sending out resumes left and right, but I’m unsure about my chances of success. I think I have to act AS IF I was determined to give notice by the end of March no matter what. I keep going into denial, but whenever I emerge from it, I feel horrible.

    • EB

      I feel so bad for you about your work situation. I know that as awareness happens, you can begin to see this disorder in others, but its frequent in the work place too. I have a friend who will drop a job at the drop of a hat if there is a psychopath or narcissist as their employer. Sometimes there are many depending upon the job. For my friend, it’s not worth the hair pulling stress she has endured.

      I think it’s a hard decision to make, especially if you rely upon the money to live and most do. I think looking for another job is wise, as well as saving up and maybe living off of what you’ve saved to save your sanity!

      Whatever choice you make, I support your decision. I know you’re weighing all your options carefully, but I don’t admire what you have to put up with.

      I hope a job opens up for you soon!

  5. Abbri says:

    Everything you wrote struck such a chord! He’d wake me up in the middle of the night for sex all the time, even if we’d just had hours of it earlier. Even when I had to get up early for work (not that he cared about that of course). He could thrive on a few hours of sleep a night if he needed to. I lost two jobs during my time with the psychopath because I missed so much work due to exhaustion (I’ve never been one to be able to soldier through the day on 2 hours of sleep, even in my 20s).

    If I said no? He would launch into a verbally abusive tirade that would last way longer than the sex would have, so I mainly just gave in (and I had to act “enthusiastically” as well, because if I just lay there–which is what I’d rather do at 3:00 AM–he’d add to his extensive verbal abuse repertoire that I was “an old dried up hag who sucked in bed” or something like that. I’m 9 years older than him and he loooooved to play that card every chance he got. (Just writing this makes me cringe with shame that I allowed myself to be treated like that.) But sometimes, just on principle, I would say no, even though I knew what I’d be in store for.

    One thing that I HATED is that he didn’t care if his or my kids heard us having sex (I was constantly trying to get him to be quiet), so I spent a lot of time upset and embarrassed due to that as well.

    I don’t like sleeping alone, but every time I start to feel sorry for myself for being alone I remind myself of what it was like living with and sleeping (or not!) with him. Then I’m able to realize how fortunate I am.

  6. GayeLynn says:

    Strangely enough, I never said no because I never wanted to say no.
    We’d actually ask each other if tonight’s the night to just go to sleep or have sex first as there were VERY few nights we DIDN’T “make love.”
    (I’d SAY “fool around” but he didn’t like that saying.)
    I also wonder if MAYbe 50 and 51 years old were my sexual years(?) and I just gave them to a TROLL. :(
    I guess that’s where I DID find UN~conditional love (NOT) but THOUGHT it was, that is, before I read this and other articles on how it’s ALL ABOUT THEM.
    I guess I was also “happy” to have FINALLY found the best sex ever in my life.

    Soooo…that being said, I can’t seem to grasp that it was all about him and his control and had nothing to do with me and my needs.
    I was in a 25 year relationship/marriage prior and never had sex as good as the 2 years I was with HIM.
    Even though I keep reading over and over how it wasn’t about ME at all…I guess the problem I have in believing that was he was VERY patient, VERY giving, VERY good.

    The ONE problem I DID have though was, he lasted VERY long and at times, I felt I wasn’t enough for him because of that.
    I had asked if it hurt not being able to “get there” but he said it didn’t.
    At times I thought he WOULD get hurt “getting there” though as I would NOT give up until I gave him as much pleasure as he gave me.

    Ooooooooo…..that was NOT something I have EVER typed but am SO curious about…..
    Do they ALL last for at the very LEAST?~an HOUR?~and never let you ON to the fact that it was about THEM and not YOU??
    I, for one, found that NOT to be the case at ALL….SET ME STRAIGHT HERE!

    • Abbri says:


      I agree, it was the best sex for me too (and I was married twice before and was 46 when I first met the psychoshit). I didn’t say no much during the first 3 years or so (and we usually had sex at least 2 times a day, more on weekends!), but the abuse, cheating and lying started affecting me so much that I was often disgusted by him as well (but only sometimes, mostly I still craved him).

      Someone on one of the psychopath/sociopath blogs said that the reason so many of them are good “lovers” (sex addicts really) is that they started young (mine was 14), did it OFTEN with MANY different people. Mine cheated on me with at least 10 women that I know of (ewww), and I’m sure there were many more I never found out about. His stamina was incredible!

      So they have LOTS of practice and that’s why sex with them is so fantastic!!

    • Abbri says:

      And to answer your question, mine could go an hour but could also do a quickie and everything in between so no, he wasn’t like that. But often, not 10 minutes after we were done and I was almost asleep (or getting ready for work if it was the morning), he would HAVE to do it again. And if said no he would of course get nasty.

      He also masturbated a lot, so I guess he really IS a sex addict.

      • Abbri and Gaye Lynn,

        Your perspectives as to he was the best sex are interesting. Sooooo many women say this about their ex’s. Sex is used as a weapon of power and control. It’s used to exhaust you to gain more power over you,, to bond you to him. Meanwhile, he’s having sex with a lot of women, whether he’s married or not. Even the “best sex” is not all about you, it’s about HIM. He wants to be seen as a ‘good lover’ or ‘the best sex’, so women apply this label to him and it’s often the most difficult thing she has to get past in the aftermath. It IS NOT the best sex, with the exception of the acrobatics and “kinkiness” of it and here’s why 1. It’s power and control and 2. he’s been with so many women he subjects his victims to many STD’s. The psychopath/narcissist wants you to BELIEVE sex=love, so women over value sex as much as the psychopath does but for different reasons. I know many women in which sex with the psychopath stopped being “great” when she has to do battle in court for their children or she winds up with an STD.

        He also knows it’s the sex that can lure her back into the relationship. Women need to STOP over valuing sex and valuing themselves enough to not drop their knickers for a guy whose ‘good in bed” because for a psychopath, it’s his way to control, for you it’s about trying to get love the only way you can from this man. And all the acrobatics in the world is not going to make a psychopath love you. It’s just another way for him to feed.

  7. Kay says:

    Wow. This is so true. At the beginning of the relationship I would be up at all hours and I was able to still get up on time and go to work, live my life etc. I am not sure if it was the excitement acting as caffeine but had so much energy. Then, toward the end of the relationship I started to become so exhausted. I would sleep for 15 to 20 hours on the weekends when I finally went no contact. He was never ready for sex until 11pm-1am and I had to get up early but we had to have sex or it meant that I was not trying hard enough for our relationship to work or I was too prude and he would leave me because he needed someone to have the exact same needs as him. I remember I would wake up after being in a dead sleep and he would be awake next to me on his computer or phone and I would ask what he was doing and he would say things like, “my ex-girlfriend HATES you!” or “someone I used to date is sniffing around and looking at your facebook profile and pintrest account” and I would ask, “why are you on the phone/online with these people in the first place?” He had drilled it in me that they were terrible, horrible people so it didn’t make sense that he was even talking to them. He would say, “It must have been something I dreamed.” All I could think was, ” you look at electronics in your sleep!?!?!?” One time I caught him pinching me so that I would wake up and catch him on the phone. I think he was trying to make me jealous.

    I digress, it is still mind boggling how he messed with my head and the fact that I was vibrant, happy and energetic at the beginning and now, a year after, I am still having energy issues.

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